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As a child, I had problems with compulsive behavior. I used to check certain things repeatedly and randomly shake my head, among other things. I had problems going to school, because I was afraid of the other kids. My grades were great, but I never had any friends. In sixth grade a guy from my class put a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. I didn‘t go to school for half a year and my mom got me into therapy. At age 15 I tried to kill myself and subsequently spent two years in a mental ward. They told me I had autism shortly after. I barely finished school and now I‘m 20 years old, without any direction or purpose.

I‘ve felt this way for a long time and I don‘t know what to do anymore. I try to eat healthy, work out, try new things, but nothing helps. I‘m under constant distress. I blame myself for my lack of progress.

I have no idea what I‘m trying to achieve with this post, but I guess I just need someone to talk to. I try to do something and the second it challenges me in some way, I give up. All the advice I get boils down to thinking more positively, but I can‘t. I can‘t just change the way I think. My head feels like a convoluted mess and I don‘t know how to deal with it. I spend most of my day in bed because sleep is the only thing that makes it bearable. I wish I knew what caused all this, but I don‘t. I know I need help, but I can‘t even get out of bed and make an appointment.

I kinda wish I was back in the hospital. They told me what to do and I had people to talk to. I don‘t mean to come across as whiny, but this is just the way things are for me.

Thanks for your time, /adv/.