I'm in my first pretty serious relationship, we've been together for a little over 8 months and it's the first time I feel a very deep connection with a partner.
Everything is mostly great except lately (the past month I'd say), we've been having some issues with sexual intimacy and I'm not really sure what to do about it.
Every night, almost mechanically, S.O. wants sex during the last 30 min of being awake, it's like clockwork and only happens then, and it makes me feel very undesirable, as if I have no impact on it happening at all.
Before, there was a lot more sexual tension during the day, and I don't feel like it's diminished from my side at all, but now S.O. will be too into something (they're very passionate/focused on one thing at a time), whereas before the slightest provocation would lead to more.
And in the rare cases when we're flirty, it won't end up escallating beyond that and I have no idea why, because it used to every single time.
I know sometimes there's a period in relationships of infatuation that happens for a while and it tapers off, I expected that to happen, but just not in a way that makes me feel so much like a push-button-receive-sex machine at the times S.O. feels like it.
I've tried to talk it through but nothing has actually changed.
I'm also not very forward in expressing my needs - very shy about it really - and that's why initially I relied on S.O. to always take things a step further when we fooled around or flirted, which makes it even harder for me to know how to approach this issue.
They know that's how I am too, and there's never been a problem before now.
I can tell S.O. isn't losing interest in the relationship, and I don't feel like there's any less physical affection either aside from the sexual aspect.
Am I thinking about it too much? Am I wrong for feeling how I do when it happens? What am I supposed to do to fix this, because it feels really awful.
Is this something every relationship goes through?
stop saying S.O stupid faggot
what gender are you and what gender are they
>inb4 "Genderliquidsquirrelkin"
I'm a woman, he's a man.
>>16890709
You honestly couldn't figure this out? The entire OP post screams woman getting fucked but wants 10 hours of wooing prior.
>>16890715
Why would she go through so much trouble trying to hide the gender of her and her bf though? So annoying to read.
>>16890729
Because women think they get wrongfully judged when they reveal their genders when actually they get rightfully judged for being retarded and we always know anyway.
You and your ladybits can fuck off.
But in all seriousness, the first question to be asked is always relevant, "how are are you guys?"
What sort of "passions"?
You never quite know what could be effecting him, stress, exhaustion, maybe he feels something is up and can't quite communicatewith you.
You say that being shy has somewhat stunted your ability to relay your needs to him. Fucking talk to him. Just because you share a deep connection with a person, it doesn't mean the partner become a fucking psychic.
Do you guys go out? Do you guys sometimes just sit and watch a movie at home in pj's and shit?
Like I said above, I understand you are shy, but a relationship is a two person thing. Even we, the men, like to be driven around sometimes. You have to work past being shy and suggest things, plan things. We like feeling wanted as well.
It sounds like you are detaching yourself from the relationship, trying to find a reason to bail because you may be fearing something.
Buck the fuck up, and help other.
Not sure if relevant, but I was the man in a relationship very similar to this. I did everything, i initiated most too the things. Trust me it gets exhausting and wearing.
You tread a fine line between happiness and resentment.
Take the wheel and drive somewhere nice, or just get out of car and end it.
>>16890689
You need to speak to him openly about this. And explore sexual ideas with him so you can do things to move away from this habitual sex.
Replace sex with sensual massages. Have a bath together in each others arms. Whisper a fantasy in his ear and tell him you'll make it come true if you both let the tension build up for a few days. Whoever breaks the deal gets a spanking.. etc etc etc
You dumb bitch instead of him trying to fuck you every night how about you suck his dick during the day.
What's there to talk about.?
> oh my bf is watching tv
Grab his dick
> it's hard
Get on your knees and lick his cock.
> tease him and mount his dick
Talk dirty
Shit lady it's not that hard.
If he's doing shit let him but try to fuck him don't make him ask you to fuck when you want to fuck that's dumb.
So you rarely/never initiate things, and you're saying it's YOU who feels undesirable?
You simply need better communication. If your relationship is a healthy one, there is nothing to worry about in openly and honestly talking to your S.O. about it.
>>16890729
Forgive the annoyance please, this is 4chan after all and I didn't want to come to /adv/ and be told tits or gtfo over a ligitimate woe. I'll refrain from now on.
>>16890738
>What sort of "passions"?
His pass-times, mostly on days off, things like gaming.
I don't think I'm needy (but maybe I am more than I thought) and I'm content to share his enthusiasm too, sometimes we play together depending on what it is, and I don't want to interrupt what he's into per-se but I mostly view it as a sign that things have changed a bit. I understand he's an individual just as much as I am, I don't want him to change what he enjoys doing for a moment.
It's just when we're both in the mood or frisky but then it doesn't escallate that I'm concerned with. Except every night, always always.
We're pretty healthy emotionally as a couple I think, we do communicate and we've talked about this multiple times, he doesn't like that I feel sex is becoming so.. sterile, and I don't like that I have emotional hangups about it, because it's affecting us negatively.
He is under a bit of stress, work related, and I thought about that too.
>Do you guys go out? Do you guys sometimes just sit and watch a movie at home in pj's and shit?
Both, often enough that it feels nice.
>It sounds like you are detaching yourself from the relationship
Absolutely not, we're very honest with each other and I know he'd never cheat on me, and I never would on him. I don't feel like he's hiding anything from me.
>I was the man in a relationship very similar to this. I did everything, i initiated most too the things. Trust me it gets exhausting and wearing.
I'll try and keep this in mind, it's hard to understand from his perspective sometimes.
>>16890747
>>16890760
I know it's completely unfair, yes, but I also try and give him opportunities, that's kind of how I am. A tease I guess? Except I like when it's taken further, which is WHY I tease. Like, teasing him into doing it. But that's also why I feel less desirable, because when I try it doesn't end up as anything more lately.
I guess I'll try and be more bold and direct though, and take more initiative, and consider he might need a break from leading.
Thank you for earnest replies, /adv/.
>>16890793
Suck his dick you dumb suck his dick.
>>16890770
>it's hard to understand from his perspective sometimes.
Of course it is. He's whole other person. With wants, desires and shit. That's why communication is important. You have no idea how many problems on this board could be solved if both parties communicated when the seas get rough.
Sympathy is easy, empathy is not.
Do you have hobbies? Passions of your own?
Also it sounds like this relationship would be amazing, with just a little work.
There are so many different reasons why this could be happening. It could be either, or both parties.
What defines you in this relationship?
Just tossing a dart onto the board, but perhaps you feel like sex is becoming too big a role in your part of being a member of this relationship?
The lack could be intimacy, not in the purely physical mind you.
Talk to him, suggest that maybe you two just cuddle, or talk to each other. Remove sex from love. Sure it's important to bang but maybe you need a break from it. Remind yourself why you enjoy it, what your needs and wants are. Then convey the fuck out of them to him, through words or actions.
Make sure this relationship is what you want, and what will make you happy. Make damn sure, if you want someone, with some work you'll find your answer.
"The grass" like the "Ides" are things to be beware of. You newer quite know what patch is greener. Most of the time you're on the green patch to begin with, and end up munching on crabgrass.
Wish you best anon.
>>16890793
Also, don't stop at a tease.
Go for it.
Show him you want him as much as he wants you.
>try and be more bold and direct though, and take more initiative, and consider he might need a break from leading
That's sexy as fuck when it happens.
It's the same reason most men love blowjobs, it's all the release with little effort. Sometimes we want to be lazy, and be handed a ticket to Cooterville, no questions asked.
Who knows, you may find out something about yourself on the ride.
>>16890834
>>16890823
>Do you have hobbies? Passions of your own?
I do, yeah, I don't think either of us view sex as something to fill a void or boredom, it's always been a mixture of desire and emotional intimacy.
>What defines you in this relationship?
That's a good question, I've never really tried to put it into words. It's something good though, I feel like we're polar opposites but in the best ways, he encourages me to break out of my shells and reassures me about self doubts (I have a bit of emotional baggage, but who doesn't), he's outgoing and charismatic and always speaks his mind no matter how blunt, and to him I'm like his warmth and security, he says he's never felt so comfortable and trusting around someone, and I can tell he really means it when he says he needs my perspective on because it's so drastically different from everything he's known. And we always have worked through rough seas together, I feel I can confide anything in him and it's mutual. I am his partner and we're on the same team 100%.
I feel intimate emotionally but it's hard to feel intimate physically, if that makes sense, due to the routine of it all that we seem to have fallen into. It's just very unsexy, like there's no real feeling behind it. Mechanical and precise.
But I think you're all right, I think I need to be more expressive to him, and maybe talk to him about avoiding the nightly 'prescription' in favor of something else for a little while to try and nip the anxiety I've been starting to feel about this in the bud.
As for the remarks about fellatio, I get off through other's enjoyment too. That wouldn't be something new to our relationship. I do like being encouraged into it though and maybe he's tired of having to do that.. I think it's less about the specific acts and more about other stuff.
Gonna stop replying and let the thread die now but thank you and other anons. It was very helpful.
>>16890709
Hahaha preach it bro
>>16890757
Solution found
>>16890689
>I'm also not very forward in expressing my needs - very shy about it really - and that's why initially I relied on S.O. to always take things a step further when we fooled around or flirted, which makes it even harder for me to know how to approach this issue.
>They know that's how I am too, and there's never been a problem before now.
Just like many others here have pointed out you need to be more assertive. We men can start to feel undesired as well if we are constantly the only ones making the initiative in the relationship. There's no set rule in relationship that man should always the one taking the step further and initiate things so just take things to your own hands every now and then.
Maybe start by showing some actual signs of affection towards him by randomly initiating a hug or kissing him and telling him how much you love him, maybe even hold his hand and staing close when walking with him. Make the kiss a really passionate one and throw him on to the bed or whatever and get on top of him and start undressing him and eventually mounting him, doing oral or whatever. This will make him feel very desired and likely encourage him to be more forward as well. Sure there's always small chance that he might actually say no to sex, but even you probably have times when you're just too busy, tired or having a period and just don't feel like having sex. In these times it's important to communicate and maybe even suggest and plan out intimate date when you'll have some passionate quality time together the next time.
Hugs, kisses and other forms of showing affection are actually very important to keep in the relationship, they bring you two closer and produce the love hormone called oxytocin which will help your love live going strong.
