What now /adv/?
I took /b/'s advice and just separated from my long time girlfriend (10+ years) because we grew apart (she put on a lot of weight, became a tumblerina, etc.). She's the only girlfriend I've ever had, and I honestly have no idea how to recover and meet someone new.
I'm white/male 30 years old, have a full time career (law enforcement), live in the SoCal area, rent a house (with roommate), own my car, workout.
I don't have a social circle outside of work and all those people are married anyway so they don't really do the party thing. I'm not from SoCal so I don't have any longtime friends or anything out here, the only person I knew was my girlfriend and all of our mutual friends were really more her friends. I'm not anti-social, I've just never really needed more than her and work to be happy (I mostly play vidya outside of work, take care of the house or workout.)
I'm trying to move forward with my life and maybe meet somebody new, but I don't use Facebook, which apparently means I can't make a Tinder account or anything and I'm not sure how sketchy those apps are anyway. It just seems like none of my regular activities involved me meeting people in a setting that would be appropriate to cultivate a relationship.
So basically how can I go about meeting someone new?
Have you tried meetup?
It works for people in areas without as much to do like mine when you want to meet new people.
Also less sketchy and time-wastey than stuff like tinder.
>>16875977
hi OP, fellow socal anon here as well. have you considered just playing it single? you just got out of your first and only relationship that lasted an entire 1/3 of your life. maybe you should see what your life is like when you aren't building it around a woman?
especially in los angeles being single has a LOT of benefits. there is so much to do in life and explore on your own that you dont really NEED someone with you 24/7
chill. take a year off. maybe two. just focus on things that are enjoyable that dont involve arguing with a woman. if you meet nice women in the process thats great. but focus on you for a bit.
>>16875987
by meet up i think he means meetup.com which i also recommend just for more fun things to do. theres a wide amount of interests you can meet people and just chill and enjoy. great way to make casual friends, sometimes they develop bigger bonds.
>>16875987
No I haven't taken a look at that one, do it require a social media account (or cost money) or anything to make? I'm not really interested in paying to meet people... but I will definitely check it out. I know that there is a lot to do in SoCal, I just cant think of anywhere that I appropriate as a place to meet a girl (outside of just going to bars every weekend).
>>16875993
Yea, I'm taking one year of being 'single' before I try to jump into another relationship. However, I sort of get this creeping feeling that if I don't make efforts to start my life (getting married/having kids) its going to pass me by and I'll be 40 before I know it (that's how my 20's felt anyway).
So I guess in this year I'm just looking to start doing activities that enable me to meet people I would be interested in dating. Right now my interests are primarily homebody stuff that really limits my ability to meet others. Also, its hard to strike up a conversation with someone at the gym or while hiking without looking like a creeper.
>focus on things that are enjoyable that dont involve arguing with a woman.
That's been the best part about this separation. Daily arguments were killing me (sometimes multiple daily arguments that lasted several hours). I feel refreshed already and I feel like my home is once again a place I can go to recover, not get additional stress.
>>16876012
No it doesn't actually (stupid how surprising that is now). Meetup.com is it's own entity and has been pretty good to me. I've never had a bad experience on it. Iv'e used it for beer-tasting, running, and political stuff in the past.
Now that I've moved I want to get back into it but pickings are slim here. Lots of married women meetups which I am the exact opposite of.
>I took /b/'s advice
There is no hope for you
>>16876012
getting married and having kids isnt worth it if its being done for the sake of being done. this isn't the 1930s anon.
when you go out looking for someone to fill a specific need, you stop looking when someone fills just enough of it, instead of waiting around for someone actually worth starting that life with.
I get that the imaginary scenario of coming home and seeing a pretty woman cooking a meal, and then talking to your kids at the dinner table feels awesome, but in reality, its just normal life and you dont feel much at all when you get home.
learn from every single parents mistakes anon. doing the 'american family' thing just because it seems like a good idea, is a bad idea. focus on actually getting fulfillment in life, and whatever else happens along the way will continue to be fulfilling.
you already had this sort of bad toxic relationship with the girl you stood by for ten years. dont jump into that. its okay to just live life.
all that being said
>right now my interests are primarily homebody stuff that really limits my ability to meet others
poppycock. bullshit. hogwash. no matter how introverted you consider your activity there is a way to enjoy it with others, and if you live in los angeles there is literally no excuse.
meetup.com
is the most powerful tool for someone like you. whether you like video games, wood working, painting your house, gardening, or even just reading a book there ARE INTEREST GROUPS that meet up to, at the very least, talk about those interests over some drinks. list your interest here in the threads and i guarantee you i can find interest groups in socal. i managed to find a guy in israel guy a meet up of over 60 geeks in mother fucking israel mate.
here in la there are several meet up groups that get together every few months to discuss fucking buffy. trust me whatever your interest, theres a group.
>>16875977
The gym is usually a good bet.
Where are you down here? The 24 hour fitness in the Sherman Oaks galleria usually has all kinds of interesting people who frequent the place.
>>16876019
Also board game stuff. There seem to be a lot of those in cities.
I know how you feel though. It's hard to get out and do things when your only idea is to hit up the bar after work.
>>16876012
also
>i dont wnat to look like a creeper
who cares what you look like? approaching a stranger is like going to get a shot. you know its coming, you know its going to suck, but you do it anyways. you get a little anxious. there is a split second of pain. then its over. and ten minutes later no one cares. and a day later no one remembers.
talking to women at the gym and on a hike is not hard at all. and its not even as creepy as you make it out to be. assuming you are at least mildly attractive. and if not people are going to call you creepy reg ardless of whether or not you strike up conversation so you might as well go for broke.
>>16876024
>board gaming in socal
where my lords of waterdeep at?
>>16876019
I'm checking it out now.
>>16876020
I know right? But in all honesty I was just looking for a sounding board to confirm my feelings. I knew it was the right choice before ever asking.
>>16876021
Your tough-love advice hits hard anon. I know that its an antiquated way of thinking but I can't help feeling envious when I see my peers with their happy families. I have always loved the idea of having kids and living that traditional life.... but I can how that could turn into a nightmare with the wrong person. I guess I've just become a little cynical since I feel like now I've wasted the past ten years of my life... that there won't EVER be a perfect person for me and that I should just settle for "good enough" and wait for the inevitable breakdown of the relationship that will occur over the next few decades.
I will give the meetup thing a shot, it can't hurt for me to get out more.
>>16876022
San Diego County.
>>16876024
Yea... being with someone for so long you sort of forget what it's like to be alone. It sucks. Even when I go out for a drink with my work buddies they all just want to get drunk and then go home - not really meet people :p
>>16876048
>tough love anon
sometimes tough love is all the love we need.
>i cant help feeling envious when i see my peers with their happy families
one thing you gotta keep in mind is what they let you see. its like the anons who come here and say 'WHY IS EVERYONE BUT ME IN A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP!?' they're not. they are full of drama. full of fear. full of worry. full of bills that need to be paid, and things they are holding each other back from doing. their kids are constantly yelling, nagging, screaming, demanding, breaking rules, disappointing, and scaring their parents. you just see them when they are on their best behavior cuz you are there.
dont get me wrong, family can be great. kids can be awesome. i love seeing my nephews and nieces whenever i can. but i also see all the horrible suffering that goes into raising them. for the most part kids are something you will look back at fondly. not something you will enjoy relaxed at the time.
>wasted the past ten years of my life
thats where you're most wrong of all OP. you werent sitting around on your thumbs. you were growing and developing, and for some time even loving her. i dont know how long you lvoed her, or how long you enjoyed her. for all i know it was only one year and the other 9 were suffering.
regardless take the time you were suffering and use that to GROW AND LEARN. even if it was only one month of suffering it should tell you that you SHOULDNT be racing into the arms of another woman just to have a family, cuz it will lead to the same suffering, but with crying babies on top of that. think about what would have happened if tumblrina gf got pregnant. think about it.
you spent ten years growing and learning and loving in very different ways. you didnt waste. you lived. the only way to truly waste time is to do nothing at all.
>>16876060
i for one spent the last two years filming and editing a 5 episode mini series that i independently produced. and then three months ago, all the footage was destroyed. 5 months of filming and a year and a half of painstakingly cutting out each frame and shot and greenscreening and filtering and effecting every little moment.
all vanished. but it wasnt a waste. for each mistake i made, i learned how to fix it. for each moment i edited, i grew a little in skill and as a person.
so now, two years after i announced it, im starting entirely over and doing the exact same project over again, just a little better. but it wasnt a waste of two years. it was just life. as was your experience.
>that there wont ever be a perfect person for me
truth is, there probably isnt. theres a 'perfect for you' for now, and maybe a while beyond now. but no one truly loves passionately and deeply into their sixties. at some point the person you are fucking becomes like a sister, or a relative. someone you are stuck with in your life cuz they just happen to be there. passion fades. its no secret. it doesnt mean you wont enjoy the relationship, but by sixty you still have quite ab it of life left ahead of you (presumably 20 years... 2/3rds of what you arleady lived) and you an your partner wont even resemble the people you were when you met.
you might wanna leave. you might stay simply because you have nowhere else to go. it can go a million ways.
but you dont need a perfect person. something isn't beautiful because it lasts.
enjoy whoever is in your life while they are in your life. think of your parents. they certainly wont be your parents forever. you had to grow up and leave the nest at some point. that didnt invalidate them. friends who grow apart arent suddenly meaningless.
relationships of the romantic kind are no different in that respect. you will love truly and deeply while you can. and it doesnt need to last forever to be real, or good, or true.
>>16876030
I've tried going to places like "Game Empire" and "At Ease Games Gaming & Tournament Center" ... but neither felt very welcoming.
>>16876060
>>16876071
Damn anon, what are you like, a self-help writer or something? I really appreciate your words and I see the merit of them. I suppose I did spend these years with her learning what I want out of life, learning about myself, and becoming the person I am today. I don't regret the years I spent with her, I just regret that it feels like I'm starting back over from square one and I fear that the next relationship may have just as many pitfalls or unexpected complications to overcome.
I know from my previous relationship that there will never be a perfect person; that relationships are (often) about compromise and sacrifice. I suppose I just hope that I am able to find someone that fits me.
Also, I'm really sorry to hear about your film - even if you have been able to find the silver lining.
Well, I have to head to bed, I have work in a few hours. I really appreciate the advice and help everyone has given me in this thread and I've made my meetup account. Now I'm going to try and go out there and meet some people. Thanks everybody.
>>16876108
no place will ever be welcoming. if middle school cant be welcoming, nowhere else will be either. its like saying a bar isnt welcoming. its not supposed to be. people are there for their own reasons. it doesnt mean you cant convince them to take an interest with you. its just hard. and a little harder the older you get. but you're a pretty cool sounding stable person. despite your wants and desires and feelings you arent whiny in the least (which is a big plus these days imo). keep putting yourself out there and you'll get some action. my friend group is made up almost entirely of people around 30 who play board games. with the exception of me (at age 23).
>damn anon, what are you like, a self-help writer or something?
kind of. I manage a business for a psychic, and his practice is centered entirely around self help, and I've helped him make a book on it since I've been here. hes extremely wise, and I'm very existential, so combined i like to think I'm able to give some good advice.
>i just feel like im starting back over from square one and i fear the next relationship may have just as many pitfalls or unexpected complications to overcome
this in particular might not ring true with you. it does with me because i grew up military but starting over isn't necessarilly 'starting over'. its leveling up. its getting closer to the actual end of the game. I went to five highschools and while each time was kind of like i was 'starting over' i had clearly grown and matured a lot since my last school, and could start at the new one with all that information and growth, but without any of the baggage. thats what relationships generally are. you are stable enough that you can make a relationship last. 10 years on one relationship (let alone a first one) is an amazing feat regardless of the quality of ther relationship, and i have no doubt that you're only getting stronger from here.
>>16876108
it will have just as many pitfalls or unexpected complications to overcome, but the key word is that you will overcome them. whether that means fixing things and working it out, or realizing you need to move on to the next big adventure.
and if you really can't see it as 'leveling up' and only as 'starting over', try to think back to how your relationship with tumblrina was in the beginning. when it comes to romance and passion, the beginning is almost always the best. its what hooks you on a person. you get to experience that greatness again with someone new. it might even feel better after so long without it.
>someone that fits me
going to try and keep this one short, but if ur ever feeling the time to read a little and get inspired, there is a childrens story called 'the missing piece'. i read it when i was really young and it kinda stuck at me for a very long time.
good night anon. good luck. maybe ill see you at a board game meet up and you wont even know it.
