10 months ago I went to a doctor after having a serious mental breakdown. Within a month I lost my car because I'm a broke grad student who could no longer pretend to afford it, got into a serious traffic accident, was disowned by my family for being a "career student", and raped by an ex-boyfriend.
I tried to go back to school the next semester. My doctors said it was just depression and anxiety and gave me Zoloft and and like 10 Xanax per month. I became completely unable to leave my apartment, being terrified of the outside world.
My Dr switched my medication to Lexapro and I felt even worse. I ended up in the hospital several times after serious suicide attempts and dropped out of grad school.
I've now been diagnosed with PTSD and BPD, which I am genetically predisposed to. Now I take Wellbutrin and Ativan and saw an EMDR therapist for almost 2 months. I still want to kill myself everyday.
I'm afraid there is no way the University will take me back because I'm a mental retard. I just sent what I think might have been a really fucked up email to the head of the dept about how I don't deserve any more consideration from the Uni but I would like to come back when I am more normal.
Is there any way I can ever go back to my post-grad program, or will they probably just go tell me to stuff it? I'll kill myself if I can't go back because it's the only thing I've ever really cared about.
My SO is out of town for once because his mother is in the hospital, so now would be the best chance I'll ever get to kill myself without anyone interfering.
I actually wonder what it is like to not want to be dead ever second of every day.
Does anyone actually, truly enjoy being alive? I cannot find a single second of solace in life anymore. I just want to not exist.
Help?
>>16683550
That is some hardcore shit.
Have a bump on me.
Also SSRI are dangerous. Try something like meditation and Cognitive behavioral therapy.
Find one you can connect to you.
>>16683617
I don't know either man. I don't get the point of all this. Gotta work hard in school so I can do what? Work hard at a job down the road. So much work and all for what?
I was kind of in your position 3 year ago.
I tried my hardest not to lose control. I started sports, it helped me a lot through the suffering of life and I got my shit together.
I recommend starting to take a walk everyday and eventually take a jog 3-4 times a week. If you become kind of ok with your fitness. join a club you would enjoy. I started athletics and love it to this day.
Best of luck for you
>>16683550
>Terrified of the outside world
>Mix of anti depressants
>Dropped out of school
>Lost car
>Diagnosed mental disorders
>Significant other
Fuck this world
i work in an ER and people like you OP are goddamn nightmares, get your shit together and stop making life suck for everyone else too
>>16683870
Maybe you should rethink your career choices if you hate people with medical issues?
>>16683848
I can't really leave my apartment to do much of that.
>>16683550
Stop doing pills
Start liking yourself and harden the fuck up
>>16684828
What do you mean stop doing pills? Stop taking medication? The only time I don't feel completely fucked up is when I take the situational anti anxiety meds. I don't like anything about myself and I never have all my life.
Does anyone have any advice beyond just "stop having a medical problem", which I certainly would if that were possible?
Why do people only say this about mental health issues even though there are physical chemical differences in my brain chemistry that can be quantified to illustrate that it's a real thing? I don't think I've ever heard someone say a person with a brain tumor should get over it.
sorry, just a question kinda related to the topic...
why do american psychotherapists only subscribe medications instead of talking to their patients? to me this just seems like putting a ton of garbage under your carpet.
>>16685013
There are psychiatrists and psychologists. A psychiatrist prescribes medicine and only does that. That doctor then usually tells the psychologist/therapist about what's wrong and what you're taking and then you talk about your mental state and problems with the psychologist.
>>16683822
Bump this, there's something I never liked about western psychiatry methods. Things like synthetic medication that aren't being treated as last resorts. I'm not saying go trip on dmt in the indigenous jungles, but there really is a whole different world of healing that's being forgotten.
>>16683822
I did EMDR therapy, which similar to CBT, in addition to being given medication.
>>16685059
I think because even depression is a chemical imbalance issue and drugs help correct that. In my case, PTSD causes major chemical changes in your brain, and bi-polar disorder even more so.
I mean, maybe look up an account of what it's like to be bi-polar and not on a mood stabilizer. People go out and kill their dogs for no reason and have active hallucinations.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Do you have anyone in your life that is supportive right now?
>>16685044
ok ok
i dont really know much about your disorders and issues, but i know how tough a depression can be
trying to let things go and meditating helped for me.
i mean, yeah, im not sure if you will take this as a solid advice, but at least try it.
facing your problems is really difficult and i see you did that fine, so next steps will be way more easier for you. try making small steps, widening your comfort zone by doing some things.
and above all, loving and accepting yourself the way you are. there is no need for this >I don't like anything about myself and I never have all my life
yeah, its easy for me to tell you, but this attitude is killing your progress.
i hope things work out for you.
>>16685074
> think because even depression is a chemical imbalance issue and drugs help correct that.
you see, drugs are like something to help you solve the problem, like holding on to something if you are recovering from spine injury.
they should never be a complete solution, unless you are really fucked up, but you arent, you are not schizophrenic.
these things need practice, just like everything in life. your story is kinda a though one, but use it as your advantage, not as your weakness. you can go out as a tougher person from this.
heck, my grandparents survived fuckin nazis and captivity and all that shit, and they had normal lives after it.
>>16685101
My husband, but I feel like I'm a burden on him.
>>16685102
Thanks, but I just don't really understand self esteem. In all the therapy I've been to they usually ask you to list things you like about yourself and I've never been able to think of anything.
All I really want to do is just finish my phd and do my research anyway. You don't need self esteem to do that really.
>>16685121
Almost all people with bi-polar disorder are not able to live normal lives without mood stabilizers though.
There are things you can do that can help. The suggestions I'm about to make are nothing new, I think on some level you already realize what you can do.. but I understand that the fog of depression makes it harder to do these things.
Exercise has been proven to help with depression. As the other anon said, daily walks/jogging are a good start. It'll get you exercising, but also out of the house, which is good for the soul. Furthermore, if you're truly shut in you may not be getting enough sunlight, which can contribute to your depression.
If your sleep pattern is irregular, try to get it so that you're waking up and going to bed at the same time. This will help you sleep more restfully as well as help regulate your mood. You should also assess your diet.
Meditation is another big one, though you may not notice the results for a few months. The bottom line is, exercise and meditation come up so much because they really work. It's just that sticking with these can be difficult.
Good luck anon. Ignore the unempathetic fucks such as >>16684828 and >>16683870.
>>16685132
>All I really want to do is just finish my phd and do my research anyway. You don't need self esteem to do that really.
actually you kinda do
you wont be able to do anything with your knowledge if you dont know how to interact with people.
>>16685137
i honestly think this is what the drugs industry is wanting us to believe.
>>16685160
I think you would have a different perspective if you had experienced bipolar depression and mania. Mania causes actual hallucinations when not medicated.
>>16685152
I used to do meditation and I do exercise in my own house. I can try doing more and meditating again, but I don't have a lot of hope.
>>16685153
I can interact okay online, just not in person.
>>16685192
>I can interact okay online, just not in person.
i was referring to that
i would honestly advise you to work on this
or at least try it
>>16685207
How do you work on it beyond going to therapy to desensitize my fear of other people and taking medication to reduce general anxiety? This is where I don't see the connection.
>>16685237
trying to actually talk to them
bit by bit
your husband can help you, he seems like he cares about you. if you care about him you should do it for him.
>>16685270
generally, overcoming fear is usually done by facing it
yes, it will be fuckin terrifying but there is no other way
i mean, what could happen? in the worst case scenario you will get anxiety attacks. i guess that wont be the first, nor the last time it happens.
>>16683550
>I'll kill myself if I can't go back because it's the only thing I've ever really cared about
are there any people in your life you care about? like your husband?
>My SO is out of town for once because his mother is in the hospital, so now would be the best chance I'll ever get to kill myself without anyone interfering.
how much shit will he have on his plate if you do it now... think about him.
>>16685279
Last time I tried to talk to my advisor I literally pissed my pants in fear. So, pretty bad.
>>16685283
I'm a burden on everyone anyway.
>>16685341
>I'm a burden on everyone anyway.
you are not
i mean, you are if you dont want to help yourself, but if you do want to help yourself and change then you are not a burden.
>Last time I tried to talk to my advisor I literally pissed my pants in fear. So, pretty bad.
thats fucked up. but you know what? thats fuckin awesome! why? because you stuck with it and tried to talk.
cry, piss your pants, shit your pants, vomit. if it takes 3000 times to soil yourself, then still do it. 3001st time will be better.
just a question, how did you meet your husband? how are you not afraid of him?
>>16685360
It was before I had the mental breakdown. I have always been nervous but I didn't had agoraphobia and PTSD and I hadn't been diagnosed with BPD back then.
Before all this happened I was a really successful PhD student with a bunch of pubs and conference papers.
He had to quit his job to take care of me. If I wasn't around he would be a lot better off and could focus on his mom.
>>16685374
if you werent around now he would die inside
things will be harder for him
love is in the giving. and the best thing you can give him is to fight.
>>16685013
>>16685121
>>16684828
> HURR DURR Psych Meds are for the weak!
> HURR DURR Get off dah pillz! Work past em!
As always, a reminder to people on /adv/ that your brain does not = your perfect immutable soul.
Your brain - and as a result, basically everything that makes you, 'you' - is nothing more than a ridiculously complex and kinda shittily programmed chemical computer.
Just like a real computer, it breaks down. Except instead of going buggy or accidentally deleting your Twilight slashfic from your hard drive, it's versions of bugs are massive sweeping changes to your personality or accidentally deleting your will to live.
Sometimes people have psychological breakdowns for genuinely terrible crap that happens in their lives. Sometimes people wake up drowning in a pit of suicidal despair despite comfortable lives because their brain decided arbitrarily that it wanted to bluescreen today.
Pills proscribed by doctors are usually simple attempts to try and nudge the brain back into the patterns that resemble normal thought. Because mother nature regrettable did not provide anyone with a reinstall disk and this is the best we can do.
If you advise someone to just quit their pills, or talk down on them for taking them, you are what is known as 'a fucking retard'.
>>16683822
>SSRI are dangerous
not OP, but someone please elaborate
I'll teel you what I kept telling myself to keep me from attempting suicide in my darkest hours.
I can only die once. There's no reincarnation or afterlife and once I do it it's over forever. It's ilogical to kill myself because even though my life is a piece of garbage, when I die it'll all be completely meaningless to me. If the end is the same no matter what, and I can only do it once, I might as well wait.
This thought kept me alive for years.
I'm not saying your life'll get better. Things probably won't happen the way you want to, but time runs slowly. Accepting a hellish life gets easier after a couple years (or maybe something good happens to you, I don't know). It doesn't matter anyways.
>>16683857
>>16685001
> muh brane kemistry
>>16685487
>>16685501
Isn't this an advice board?
>>16685501
I have to wonder how in 2016 there are people who still think the human body, including the brain, which is what dictates basically everything about human functioning, is not a bunch of chemical processes that can get thrown out of wack for any number of reasons.
>>16685515
>Chemicals
>Ignores large electrical functions of the brain
Stay small kid
>>16685458
And in the meantime, a lifetime of suffering! Perfectly logical.
>>16685523
Both are important to human functioning, and? I was responding to someone who implied there is no such thing as bran chemistry. BPD is all about dopamine (chemical) produced by the brain being made in excess or in shortage.
>>16685424
im not saying someone should get off meds completely, but they should use them as a help while they need it.
you arent supposed to take them your whole life
and reprogramming you computer is what you should do
>If you advise someone to just quit their pills, or talk down on them for taking them, you are what is known as 'a fucking retard'.
then almost all doctors outside usa are retards
>>16685424
>Sometimes people have psychological breakdowns for genuinely terrible crap that happens in their lives. Sometimes people wake up drowning in a pit of suicidal despair despite comfortable lives because their brain decided arbitrarily that it wanted to bluescreen today.
this happens to me too, but i havent taken meds because of it
this happens to a lot of people around the world too, and they find ways
>>16685515
I do believe that, but chemical imbalances aren't the cause of even the majority of mental disorders. CBT and other therapies help tons of people but don't change brain chemistry (at least not in a manner different from normal learning) at all. What I meant by my post was that human cognition is far more complex than the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain.
>>16685540
It won't make the slightest difference when you're dead, one way or another. And there is no suffering if you get used to a life of suffering
>>16685545
Sincerely, most people with BPD have to take lithium or another mood stabilizer their entire lives. I feel like you're confusing more complex, pervasive psychological disorders like BDP, PTSD, schizophrenia, etc with something like seasonal affective disorder.
My uncle, my mother, my grandfather and my great grandfather all had BPD and all have had to be medicated all their lives to function.
When my uncle Warren went off of lithium he killed his dog and almost himself by burning down his house. It's not just like "I feel really sad, maybe I should get a more positive outlook on life". I wish it was that easy.
>>16685570
well ok, then take meds
but dont close yourself completely and pity yourself every day.
it seems to me like OP is not really willing to change anything and is blaming everything on the circumstances.
>>16685570
Bpd is no joke and no fun. Having someone with bpd in your life is like a rollercoaster thar does not stop, but three? Damn. I'm sorry man.
>>16685556
>>16685547
One of my undergrad degrees was in psychology so maybe I expect people have a more general familiarity with different disorders than is reasonable.
I do not have depression. I was at one point diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder probably 10 years ago. I didn't take any medication for it. I went to CBT and I learned to manage it.
I had lot of very horrible things happen to me last year within the span of a month and it caused me to develop PTSD. PTSD is not something you can only get from being in a warzone. Kids can get it from being bullied and part of what happened to me during that month included bullying from another PhD student, as well as a major traffic accident, major loss of property, loss of all familiar social support, and being raped by an ex who I thought I could trust as a friend.
PTSD causes biochemical changes in the brain and body. It basically rewires the way parts of your brain work. I won't go into detail, but you can actually see pictures of how the neuroendocrinology in people with PTSD is different from normal people. I went to EMDR therapy for this, which is a desentization therapy similar to CBT, but because of the chemical reprocessing, I was also put on benzos to help.
As a result of all the things that happened to me, I was also diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Several people in my family have it, giving me a genetic predisposition without the environmental factors that set it off. BPD also changes your brain chemistry. It is the 6th leading cause of disability in the world because it is so difficult to manage shifts in mood states, One month I wouldn't sleep for more than 2 hours a night, write a hundred pages that made no sense,and hallucinate. The next month I couldn't get out of bed.
Depression and anxiety I think can often be treated fairly easily with CBT and other methods that don't require medication, but I don't have depression or anxiety.
>>16685587
Again, how am I supposed to change my life beyond going to therapy and taking medication, which is what Im doing?
I'm not in school and that makes me want to kill myself because it's the only thing I have ever wanted to do or enjoyed and I'm afraid that, because of things like people not understanding psych disorders, that they're never going to let me back in or being understanding of what's wrong with me.
I would have sincerely rather been crippled in the car accident because a physical disability would be questioned like a non-visible mental one is.
>>16685632
so what do you expect to do then? just be a burden and complain about it the rest of your life?
>I'm not in school and that makes me want to kill myself because it's the only thing I have ever wanted to do or enjoyed and I'm afraid that
>i need XY thing so i wont kill myself
and this is exactly what you should focus on. not doing the phd, but obsessively finding false solutions to escape into. you should do the phd if you want to, and thats great, but what then? what are you without that phd? what are you when masks fall down? will you be able to teach?
you remind me of my ex gf who only had school in life. nothing ever made her happy, not even the education, but she still pursued it and it was like a drug (still is).
10 years later and she is doing her phd, but is still that immature little girl who is not capable of any reasonable human contact and seeks for external sources for happiness but never finds them, just eases the pain with her phd.
so when you finish your phd, then what? will you again be depressed for not going to school? will you make your own living?
have you thought beyond your obsessive desire for education?
what im trying to say is that you are finding false solutions for deeper problems.
you cant just be in school your whole life. you must do something. or die i guess...
>Again, how am I supposed to change my life beyond going to therapy and taking medication
i answered that here >>16685360
>cry, piss your pants, shit your pants, vomit. if it takes 3000 times to soil yourself, then still do it. 3001st time will be better.
TLDR: you can do your phd, but what will you do when you cant do any more education?
>>16685680
I already teach online classes. Teaching isn't a problem for me really, particularly online, probably because of the power differential. I know my material very well and I still give presentations all over the country at weeaboo conventions on my research area since that doesn't seem to bother me either. I just was bullied pretty heavily in my program and now I'm terrified to talk to those people. Also, I'm always afraid of my professors because I don't want to let them down and I feel like I always do.
As long as I can mostly teach online classes, all I really want to do is my research anyway, most of which I also conduct online. All I need is an internet connection and SPSS to run my stats and I'm fine. I just want to do my research anyway. I can manage teaching but all I need to do my research are those two things.
