Pt 1 of 2
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
Difficult situation I find myself in...and I feel like I have nobody to talk to, namely because of how controversial the subject matter is. I'll try not to make this tl; greentext for ease:
>be 27 yo female
a little backstory...
>shit tier men in my life for the most part
>>alcoholic dad and all that
>>>thankfully gone around age 3, due to adultery
>>stepfather inc ~age 4
>>>he sexually abused me from the get-go, until I was 12
>>>he cheated on my mother with some other woman, so she kicked him out
>>a few more boyfriends come and go until I graduate, all their own unique bag of shit
>>even the dad of my first niece (more like a daughter to me though) molested her
>>>I caught him and from that point on, he never saw her again
My mother pounded the following into my head:
>all men are pigs
>men are never satisfied with one woman
>if your man /looks/ at another woman, it means he is dissatisfied with you and is looking elsewhere
(I'm currently trying to rewire my brain.)
I have an idea of what 'normal' is, but I often question the validity of my opinion on such.
So why am I here? Well, after going through years of therapy (namely for being sexually abused)--including CBT, mindfulness meditation, group & individual--I realized there was still more I needed to explore, mentally. In the first couple of years dating my current partner, we had a number of difficult conversations and arguments...awkward sexual moments...whathaveyou...
after a number of painfully detailed, hour/day-long conversations, we got to a point where I opened up about a certain fantasy
>I told him I like the idea of being with an older man
>>I like being called 'kid' by said older man
>>he would have me whatever way he wanted, but would be gentle, etc.
Sometime after this, my partner (er, fiance) asked if this was because of my abusive past. Of course I didn't know, but I wouldn't be surprised. At one point during sex, he asked if I ever enjoyed it as a kid. That was a difficult moment...that particular sex ended there, but it did open up doors for both of us...as we somehow got to talking about age difference/him fucking younger gals (at some point we were looking at loli together and trying to find young models that look like they're fit for a hebophile). He would talk about what he would do to someone so young, how he would barely fit, etc...and I could offer my own insight about what she might be thinking, given my experience as a girl. It was like exposure therapy.
There were many-o-argument around there, but the contrast was a deep connection (which a lot of people would view as prettydamnfucked...I'm sure).
We don't talk about that much at all anymore, because of my incapacity to maintain consistency when it comes to my reaction to the matter, but I do think about it. I know he still looks at loli quite a bit...and because of this, most times he touches me I think he's thinking of a young gal. I do small things to help him with this perceived fantasy (such as shave, or avoid moaning like a woman...I'm even trying to lose enough weight to pass for younger). I love and hate it, as I feel this has turned into a kink,,,but it hurts.
Anyone dealt with anything like this before? ....fuck.
I feel trapped. I feel like the older I get, the worse I'll feel about all of this...I'm fucking lost. I feel like running, honestly...but he's the best man I've ever known.
I don't know what to do, because I've been told by most everyone that such fantasies are wrong (almost to the point of being illegal), but
>>16638633
(I guess there is a Pt 3)
...but...at what point does it become 'wrong' ?
When it's acted-upon, no?
...or can simply normalizing such thoughts (through exposure) fall into the 'wrong' category?
.....maybe this is a question for /sci/...
>>16638630
All I can say is that you are a degenerate destroyed beyond repair and he is a pedo degenerate. I guess you two will make a happy marriage.
>>16638655
I expected little else from you, 4chan, but I did have a sliver of hope.
rip
>>16638661
Hope for what? Getting coddled and hugged and told it's alright? I understand kinks and fetishes, hovewer anything that has to do with children/young teens is to me the most disgusting, degenerate shit. You are obviously done if years of therapy didn't help you. Maybe you lost your morality because of being abused, but at that point there is not much to do now.
As for your partner, he is obviously pedo and he stays with you most likely because of your past and bent psyche. And you happily indulge his pedofilic fantasies...
The way I see it, it's just gross and grotesque. I feel for your possible future children, I really do.
>>16638630
Hi Anon. It's hard for people to be kind on this website. Their own lives are full of pain as well.
I'm glad that you've been making progress and pursuing therapy and improvement in your lifestyle. I'm confident that if you continue you will keep getting stronger and stronger.
The current situation that you're describing sounds very worrisome to me. It is probable that your significant other has some stuff that needs to be worked on as well. Unfortunately it would seem that you are locked together in a situation where you poke at each other's dark and destructive aspects. This is probably not good news for your progress.
As for advice, I would recommend that you first find a good and trustworthy advocate and therapist if you do not have one already. You should then be forthcoming about the situation with them. This can be difficult. Ideally they should be very experienced working with victims of sexual abuse. These people aren't always available depending on where you live.
I know it's hard to think this because of things that have happened to you in the past, but there are many, many decent people out there. Good people even. He's the best you've been with so far, but he doesn't have to be the best you'll ever be with.
Of course, it is always your choice what happens here. You are always deciding. But you don't have to decide alone.
Personally I think you should try to leave this situation. He seems to be using you to gratify some of his own primordial needs, which is not good for you as a person due to your own trauma.
Anyway, good luck.
>>16638757
I see what you're saying, I think.
As I said, when this first became 'a thing' I was rather into the idea. However, it seems as though the 'exposure therapy' bit has run its course, and now I'm submitting to what I had thought was just a part of reality. Now, I feel like I'm objectifying myself for the sake of my partner's pleasure.
I have read around online about pedophilia...ever since 'coming out' about my abuse as a child, I have been curious as to why anyone would be into such a thing. I have even wondered if this is just another form of sexuality, which is an idea that has been represented by certain, online groups. Thought is not action, and I therefore don't feel right judging someone for /thoughts/ they might have.
The experiment with my partner helped shed light on possibilities, however, I have yet to be completely 'okay' with his interest in young gals. Even though I do think about it and go out of my way to help him, I feel extra shitty about it--especially post-orgasm.
I wish this had never been a thing. I wish I knew what a 'normal' partnership was...I wish I had the fucking guts to say "Fuck everyone, what happens behind closed doors, stays behind closed doors."
I wish I had all the answers.
>>16638724
Hope that someone could look at the problem at hand and provide advice. That someone reading this would see that THOUGHTS are being talked about, not actions.
Morality cripples thought?
>>16638909
Nobody has all the answers, but you can find YOUR answers with time. If it's something that makes you feel bad about yourself, then I hope you have the strength to make the decisions so that you don't have to feel that way anymore. Alone or with help or both.
>>16638916
It's natural to look outwards for answers, but in the end what you will get are the echoes of other subjects. You are the subject who lives your life, and you must find what your answer is. There may be no final one. The art of positioning your desire, however, is a lifelong practice.
