I have a bit of an issue I could use your help with, /adv/.
My girlfriend of five years and my best friend of 1.5 years absolutely don't get along, and it's a little bit my fault.
When I started hanging out with him, I introduced my girlfriend with the expectation that everything would be cool.
After the fact, she told me she thought he was rude, that he had insulted her, and that he was pretty much trying to get in my pants.
I made the completely stupid mistake of telling him this, and this confused him because he had no idea what she was talking about, had presumed that he had made a good impression, and had received a good impression from her.
Now every time they're together, both of them are on edge because they're both suspicious about each other, which causes them to act unnaturally, which the other picks up on and interprets as hostility.
This has been going on for about a year now, and I'm getting pretty fucking tired of all the passive-aggressive shit I'm getting from both of them.
If I just hadn't told my friend anything, he would have been friendly towards her, she wouldn't have picked up on anything, and things would have gone smoothly. But I did, and now I've got to sort out this mess.
Any ideas?
Worth noting that when they first met, I didn't pick up on any rudeness or insults from him.
He acted and talked the way he usually does. Granted, he's a very unusual person, but if there's any malicious behaviour it's going unnoticed by me and everybody else around me.
>>16629133
If your best male friend isn't doing anything wrong, and you're not doing anything wrong, I think it's your girlfriend's fault. I think she lied about any malicious behavior (in the beginning) just to rustle your panties. Perhaps you're just blind to it because you love her
>>16629165
Why do you jump to the conclusion that she's deliberately lying?
Simple misunderstanding is a possibility, unintentional insults on his behalf are a possibility, completely negligence on my behalf to notice malicious behaviour is a possibility.
Even if you excuse both myself and my friend as a causal factor, that doesn't automatically mean she lied.
>>16629122
I don't understand your problem OP. You have a gf for 5 years you did not support and believe so you asked the guy you do believe, your friend. Your gf knows she is number two on your list. I'm not suggesting you cannot have friends but am telling you your partner is your partner and if you cannot support them or believe they are unreasonable then get out of the relationship. You are still trying to force your gf to like this guy. She didn't at the beginning and she sure as hell doesn't now.
>>16629193
I didn't believe her because I was there.
If she experiences something, and I experience the exact opposite thing, she isn't correct by default and I am under no obligation to act accordingly - that's not how a healthy relationship works.
My partner is my partner, but your idea of how our relationship works is based on pure speculation.
We are very close close, but we permit distance. We do what we can together, while acknowledging that sometimes there'll be something that the other either can't or won't participate in - and that's fine with both of us. Neither of us want to be in a relationship where our partner is our world, because that sounds like a terrible relationship to the both of us.
Even if this never gets resolved, we're still going to be fine. I'll still love her, and she'll still love me.
The reason I posted is because the source of this is that mutual uneasiness which was pretty much my own fault.
Can anybody offer any tips to resolve that which don't involve blatant deception?
I can't wait for the day they hate fuck each other.
I am assuming your friend is a fag? If so, then she could be picking up on something weird from him. Girls just know this shit. Trust her instincts or break up with her.
>1.5 years
>5 years
Weigh it up dipshit.
>>16629232
Got a good kek out of this.
>>16629235
Right.. or I could try to diplomatically resolve the situation first? Rather than resorting to cutting ties with my best friend?
I'm not ungrateful, but the first five lines was specifically for context. As I've mentioned, this isn't relationship-breaking (friendship OR partnership) stuff; it's simply unpleasant and I'd like to resolve it.
He would like to get along with her, and she would like to get along with him - the problem is that mutual suspicion which, I can't see a way around without just sitting them both down and telling them what's up.
Which would reveal to my girlfriend that I told my friend she didn't like him, and would be uncomfortable for her.
>>16629232
I think it happened a year ago ;) thats why they are so uncomfortable around each other
>>16629242
Buy 2 tickets for a movie, get them to go together.
Tell them to spend a day shopping and getting lunch. Let them be alone so they can bond I guess. That is the only thing I can think of.
>>16629242
Since he is a fag, he is a threat to her. Just like if he was a female.
Does she have any best guy friends?
>>16629249
I don't think letting them loose alone would end well, but you did just give me the idea to find an activity I KNOW they'll both love and invite them both to that.
Whatever we're doing should put the both of them at ease, which might break down a couple of those barriers.
>>16629231
You are trying to force your gf to have the same experience and like the same people as you do yet you lie and tell us you believe you both can be and like different things. You are trying to force your gf to like your friend and you and your friend are playing the injured party here. Admit it, your friend means more to you than your partner and why you felt compelled to tell him your gf doesn't have the same feeling.
>>16629252
Actually it is the only way. Whenever you are in the middle, they are both still suspicious. They need to be together, alone. They need to bond.
It sounds like you are actually enjoying this cat fight for you....
>>16629253
Kind of this. Why are you more loyal to your friend than your girlfriend?
Why did you betray her and tell him but not tell her?
Weird OP. Sort your priorities.
>>16629251
But she doesn't dislike my other five or so homosexual friends? She didn't feel threatened or get upset when a guy asked me out yesterday, or the several other occasions that I've been asked out or hit on by men.
As for guy best friends, she used to hang out with a couple of guys every now and then at uni, but they graduated.
>>16629242
>Which would reveal to my girlfriend that I told my friend she didn't like him
so your gf would find out you are not trustworthy in the relationship and you are trying to hide that. boy is she gonna be pissed and tell you what if you violated my trust I would never tell you anything again.
>>16629263
Doesn't this give you even reason to trust her? This particular faggot is giving her certain vibes. She feels threatened by HIM.
If that was my girlfriend, I would trust her instinct since she is cool with the rest of my homobros but not him in particular.
>>16629253
>you lie and tell us you believe you both can be and like different things
That's not a lie, that's how quite a lot of relationships work.
We had that conversation for at least the fifth time not even a few days ago, after one of her friends broke up with her boyfriend for being too clingy.
I'm not forcing anything. Once again, if they're just incompatible that's fine - they don't HAVE to like each other. The problem is that this situation isn't caused by them clashing in any way, it's caused by apprehension borne of a misunderstanding.
She's told me that she would really like to be closer to him, and he feels the same way but that's not going to happen while they're both uneasy around each other.
My friend doesn't mean more to me than my partner. I was compelled to tell him because he's a very rational person and I assumed, wrongly, that he would take it in stride and try to consider if he had said anything wrong, or make an extra effort.
>>16629268
Would you care to stop calling my best friend a faggot?
Advice seems incredibly insincere when it's accompanied with insults, so why would I listen to you?
Other than that, you've asked a valid question. I sat down with her and chatted about it and the only things she could put it down to was his tone of voice and how he referred to me.
That's one other problem I only briefly touched on - I mentioned that he's "very unusual", but that's not doing it justice. He really does not act like most other people do. I suspect he might have very low-level aspergers or autism. He told me that as a child a psychiatrist once told his mother that he had something, but that they weren't sure what.
Everything she told me that she didn't like was stuff like that; he acts the same way to other people he's known much longer. He even acts the same way with his own mother.
Why are you all automatically assuming that she's 100% correct in her assessment of him? Is it because she's a girl or something?
>>16629285
>Why are you all automatically assuming that she's 100% correct in her assessment of him?
because you have told us here she is 100% wrong in her assessment of him
>>16629274
He is gay, we are far from rational lol
Also to address this pre-emptively, because it's inevitable at this point:
The reason I'm jumping to the defence of my friend is because you're all making unreasonable assumptions, and being downright dickheads while referring to him.
In your assessments, my girlfriend is a poor neglected creature that I'm refusing to listen to, and there's no possibility that her intuition is incorrect, because she's my girlfriend/a girl.
Meanwhile, only one person has actually given me advice about what I actually asked for advice about.
Do you see why I'm not finding the advice to cut off my 'faggot' friend particularly helpful?
>>16629289
>Worth noting that when they first met, I didn't pick up on any rudeness or insults from him.
>I didn't believe her because I was there.
>If she experiences something, and I experience the exact opposite thing, she isn't correct by default...
I said no such thing, I said that my experience was to the contrary. One is absolutism, the other is doubt.
If you can't understand why those are not the same thing, I'm sorry to say that I don't really want to listen to any advice you have to give.
>>16629255
It's really not a cat-fight to be honest, it's more of a mutual discomfort that they both comment on afterwards. The worst thing is that if not for this, they would likely have quite a bit to talk about.
Thanks for the advice though, I may not send them both out on a trip somewhere because it's not something that either of them would expect, or really know how to manage, but I'll try and get them in a position where they're together for a little while.
I might also chat with her a bit more and see if I can pin down exactly what she's uncomfortable about, whether her concerns are legitimate, and what we can do about them.
