Why does being nice result in people taking advantage of it and abusing you? Why do they always treat you like a platform to use and shit on in order to get away from their own problems, but not give two fucks about you, and leaving and screwing you over thinking it won't bother you or you won't care? Or that being nice somehow means you won't say "no" to them even when absolutely needed? Or that your patience is supposed to be limitless?
It seems that the second you show kindness, you're instantly treated as a doormat. So many years, so many people, I've had people do this to me day in and day out. Thinking I'm okay with it because "oh but you're just so nice, Anon. That's why I need you to do these things for me. :)" It makes me see why a lot of people act like assholes.
I'm nice and I've never had this problem.
>>16598558
You're probably not as nice a person as you think, then.
>>16598553
>>16598558
Protip: I promise you're not actually nice people, but only think you are. Everybody does.
>>16598553
>It seems that the second you show kindness, you're instantly treated as a doormat
Not at aII. Friends have aIways been there pretty much on an equaI IeveI, maybe even given more. lt's aII about surrounding yourseIf with good peopIe. lf they were good peopIe then it wouIdn't happen.
You have to ALLOW yourself to be treated like a doormat. If you just always say yes you aren't being nice, you're being a doormat and can't complain if people use you like one. If you're being treated like a doormat and you don't like you have to learn to say NO to things and actually have a backbone.
I've been called the nicest person many people have ever met and nobody would mistake me for a doormat. I'm kind, I'll help you out, listen to you, etc. But if it's too much of an inconvenience for me or will make me unhappy I have no problem saying no.
>>16598565
Nah, you are probably being easy to take advantage of. You can still be nice and not a doormat. It's really important to surround yourself with good people like >>16598585 said.
>>16598594
>If you're being treated like a doormat and you don't like you have to learn to say NO to things and actually have a backbone.
which actually isn't being kind, but rather looking for an excuse to be a dick.
>But if it's too much of an inconvenience for me or will make me unhappy I have no problem saying no.
then you're probably not a very nice person.
i dont get why men have such weird standards when it comes to kindness. but then contradict it whenever they feel the need to 'stand up' for themselves. that's just an excuse to be a dick when want to be a dick.
>>16598600
>Nah, you are probably being easy to take advantage of.
Which is what being nice to people usually result in.
>You can still be nice and not a doormat.
Then you're not a nice person if you have to fight back and call others out for treating you like a doormat.
>>16598607
You have a warped idea of being nice where you think it doesn't include being nice to yourself. Being nice does not equal saying yes all the time. This is simply false.
If someone asked me to cover their shift for them and I didn't have any plans, I'd say "Sure, no big deal." If I already had plans I'm not going to cancel them just to do this new thing. Would you really do that? And consider saying "no" to that request being a dick?
>>16598618
Bruh if you just came here to argue and accuse people of not being as nice as you, you aren't going to get anywhere. /adv/ isn't for ranting or venting.
My advice is to stop being whatever you consider "nice".
>>16598622
>You have a warped idea of being nice where you think it doesn't include being nice to yourself. Being nice does not equal saying yes all the time. This is simply false.
it does mean sacrificing your self-worth for the sake of others. being nice does mean having to you aside in order to help them. if you take that away, you're just making excuses. and it does mean having to say yes when you probably don't want to, but the other needs it.
>If someone asked me to cover their shift for them and I didn't have any plans, I'd say "Sure, no big deal." If I already had plans I'm not going to cancel them just to do this new thing.
then you're a selfish person who only pretends to be nice when it suits them.
>Would you really do that? And consider saying "no" to that request being a dick?
if they needed you, then saying no is a dick move you're hopelessly trying to justify.
>>16598618
lt seems you're mad other peopIe have friends who are nice, and aren't defensive jerks. You're making no sense and saying it needs to be one way or another without being both a good person AND having good friends.
You've obviousIy chose to hang with the wrong peopIe are are mad some of us have good circIes or peopIe. You're shitty outIook has nothing to do with us.
You need to fix yourseIf badIy.
>>16598627
>/adv/ isn't for ranting or venting.
Yes it is. /adv/ has always been a place to vent and get stuff out. Part of giving advice is letting people do that, even if means not offering any solutions when they're not looking for any. Unless you think it's pointless to even express your frustrating without looking for a fix, then you suffer from the same sense of male entitlement, than men must act and control in order to make something of themselves and the world around, to grant that right.
>>16598647
Nope
Rule 3
>BAWWWing and venting is discouraged.
>>16598637
>lt seems you're mad other peopIe have friends who are nice
then that's clearly a privilege you have he doesn't.
>You've obviousIy chose to hang with the wrong peopIe are are mad some of us have good circIes or peopIe.
now you're just descending into victim blaming logic.
>You're shitty outIook has nothing to do with us.
neither he nor anyone else here made that distinction.
>You need to fix yourseIf badIy.
and that's a bigoted and prejudiced statement.
>>16598652
Then that rule is wrong and needs to be changed.
>>16598647
>Yes it is.
No it isn't. /adv/ is short for /adv/ice, not
>bitching because you suck at Iife
>>16598635
Enjoy being a doormat then. If you aren't doing what makes you happy it's your own fault. I'll enjoy being happy, having friends that treat me as an equal, and being seen as "nice" by everyone. See ya later.
Troll
Please don't feed it anymore guys
>>16598658
No, you are wrong and you need to be changed. Don't Iike how it is here? Then Ieave because it isn't changing. You'II accept that.
>>16598553
It takes time, perseverance, and absolute consistency to build the kind of reputation that shields you from this sort of thing. It does come eventually, and once it does, you are all but invincible, but the process of acquiring it it involves getting burned again and again first.
>>16598661
>If you aren't doing what makes you happy
Which can be selfish.
>I'll enjoy being happy
At the cost of others.
>having friends that treat me as an equal, and being seen as "nice" by everyone
They're probably dicks too with a skewd sense of kindness. Everybody hooks up with those who share the same beliefs, even if those beliefs are wrong and damaging to others. You get religious fanatics bombing others for the same thing because they think what they're doing is right, and go to each other to confirm that.
>>16598607
how the fuck is not doing everything people want you to do and not obliging to every single one of their whims even related to being a dick you fucking retard
you're an insecure faggot craving for attention because you know nobody will like you since you don't have any other interesting qualities other than offering your services to people. you can't play the guitar, you can't sing, you can't cook beautiful tasty meals, you can't talk to people, so you feel like giving people everything they want is the way you have to get them to like you. because you know nobody would look at you twice otherwise. get an interesting hobby, try to socialize more, research on how to be a more confident person and grow a backbone ffs.
>>16598637
>You need to fix yourseIf badIy.
>>16598667
>you need to be changed
This is often the most common, and least productive, advice I see on this board. No one should have to change or 'fix' themselves for any reason. They should go with what is acceptable for who they are, not adhere to how you want people to see or act, nor adjust themselves to YOUR standards -- just theres. The idea that one must change themselves to an extent is flat-out prejudice, and is only par with discriminating against others based on race or sex.
>>16598673
>how the fuck is not doing everything people want you to do and not obliging to every single one of their whims even related to being a dick you fucking retard
because you're just using that as an excuse to be a dick to not only at least someone, but at least under some kind of condition which justifies it.
>>16598673
>>16598661
>>16598622
>>16598594
>claims to be nice
>gets defensive and starts insulting others
Okay, now you're worse than OP in this case. And a gigantic hypocrite.
>>16598694
oh god. yeah, cry me a river, you little crybaby. we all have problems you know, doesn't mean you have to be a little crybaby about them, you little crybaby. kill yourself if you're that miserable because this planet was clearly not made for the likes of you.
you little crybaby.
>>16598553
You have to be pretty selective with your kindness. Some people will take to it genuinely and might appreciate you enough to return the favour or hold you high esteem, while others will just abuse the privilege and take as much as they can from you thinking it's a free-for-all. Kind of like giving out money to the homeless, some will be touched and thankful, while others will be beggars who'll constantly pester you for a little more. Not everyone deserves to be treated nicely. You have to be a religious prophet willing to put up with an endless supply of abuse and mistreatment in order to pull that off.
>>16598558
You're probably white and male then. Being a woman and nice to men somehow comes off as flirty and interested, and that you want to sleep with them. We all know what happens next once you reject said guy's advances.
>>16598558
I was nice to people, yet many hatefull racist against me because I didn't look white enough
But they love the other guy that was nice because he looked White enough
>>16598553
OP I understand how you feel. People that are white have a very subtle unnecessary hate towards me because I'm mixed.
Now you must learn OP how to tell somebody when they are disrespectful to you "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE"to their faces
People misinterpret kindness as weakness you may need to simply tell somebody to fuck off
Simple as that
> "the secret is acting confident trains your mind to be confident"
>>16598553
Your mistake was expecting something in return for being nice to them. You be nice and do good without expecting anything back, and you won't be disappointed. Assume you get no return for your acts, and you'll never give more than you can afford.
Don't be a pushover. Say no. Be nice if someone genuinely needs your help or if you feel like being nice, but not just because someone asks you for something.
>>16598600
came here to say basically this and expand on it. if you think nice = doing what everybody else wants you to do all the time, then that definition is the root of your problem. don't define it that way. nice = doing what you can for people when you can, within reason. it is good to do things for others, and I personally believe putting yourself out for the benefit of another person in need can be very character building. but you also have both the right and the responsibility to put on your own oxygen mask first, as they say.
learn how to say no graciously. you want to be able to do the "non-nice" thing - turning someone down - in a polite and sympathetic way by saying "I would love to/I wish I could but I can't, I'm sorry" and maybe giving a very brief reason why. if they're reasonable people, they'll respect your boundary, accept that you would've said yes if you could've, and your impression of being a nice person is preserved. if they're a jerk and they get huffy about being turned down, then that is their problem and it does not reflect on you in any way.
as for where the boundary should be, that's something you have to learn for yourself by trial and error. I would personally start by increasing your "no, sorry, I can't do that" output by at least 25% and see if that gives you enough breathing room that you can stop feeling put upon and resentful toward people in general. basically if you are resenting an obligation, it's one that you probably should say no to in the future if you can. and there's nothing wrong with saying "I'll get back to you" if you're not sure how you feel about it. this will all get easier with practice.
Being nice is perfectly fine. What isnt fine, is lacking a spine. I've gone out of the way for my friends all the time, but I've also known when to say no be it because it's unrealistic, or I think it's unethical.
You need to learn to say no, and judging by your responses in this thread I doubt that'll happen any time soon.
>>16599013
This. Assuming everyone is wrong but you is not going to get you anywhere and if you don't start thinking about what it is that you are doing wrong you're going to continue to be in the same situations.
It's up to you to change things.
"No good deed goes left unpunished" Is there any truth in this saying?
There's a difference between being a nice person and being a doormat. Seriously, you're allowed to have boundaries.
>>16598730
they cry in their room, get a mental disorder, and blame themselves for being so undesirable to you forever and ever?
>>16598904
I think you just have a persecution complex
Read No More Mr Nice Guy by Rob Glover.
What counts as being nice? I help people when they ask and don't seek anything in return. Some people are unnecessarily grateful, others treat it with indifference as they should. Instead there are also people that either treat you like a punching bag or rake liberties when it suits them. When you say no it's these people who treat you like you're in the wrong.
It really should be quite simple, ask for help and you'll get it as long as it's in the realm of reasonable requests and not some ridiculous request you would never want asked of yourself. When said help has been delivered and my use is done, simply treat me with indifference as you would a stranger on the street.
>>16600204
Sometimes.
