So I am recently married (less than 1 year), and I spend 1 night a week playing table top games with friends—I stay out sometimes as late as say midnight on a late bout of it.
I am a grad student and my wife works(I provide income based off military benefits from the GI bill). My schedule is much more lax than hers. She says I need to come home earlier EVERY time I try to have a guys not out playing games—not chasing women and drinking—playing games. I only do it once a week.
She believes that our house is prone to getting broken into—I live in one of the least crime ridden university towns in Alabama—Auburn. She says that one time she heard someone trying to open the door (her car in the drive way) while she was on the couch. Our rental home is old and is 50 feet from road—she also sometimes has night terrors and has slept walked. I honestly don’t know if I believe her. I was at this guy’s night when this happened. And I Rushed from speeding home( concealed pistol in hand) ready to help—calming her on the phone all the while telling her to get a pistol and barricade the bedroom door. Get home—nothing.
Every night I try to do this she will ask me to come home early—I say “ill try” most of the time but don’t do it. Should asking me to sacrifice one night of harmless fun a week wrong of her? I feel one night a week of being out (with my limited responsibility) isn’t a big deal. Is the women I married just crazy? Or am I being an asshole?
How do you know her fears aren't legitimate? If you're this dismissive of her fears, then you're not exactly the only victim in this scenario
>>16554653
OP here. This is one of the safest areas ever. This happened weeks ago about the "door knob turning". She sees things in her sleep. If I wake her from naps she will be so out of it. She says she sees things that aren't real in her waking moments right after sleep. She normally naps on the couch. This event happened when she was on the couch. I believed her at the time. So I sped home ready to blast people. But there was no car out. No weirdos out. Just nothing.
>>16554648
How about instead of leaving her behind, tell her to go out with her friends? Or maybe even go hang out with yours? Then she could be at ease about you "chasing women" if that's even an issue. Also, maybe look into some security precautions? Just to give her peace of mind.
>>16554648
No one's really an asshole in this situation (however you seem to be completely misunderstanding why she doesn't want you to stay out late by saying it's not like you're drinking or chasing women, it's not that man and whatever the activity is doesn't change the problem in her mind) perhaps organize so she's with someone on that day? Family friends etc.
>>16554667
So she probably has something at a clinical level. What I said still stands - you're dismissing something that's real TO HER, and that's not what a good husband should do. You should support her, and maybe get her help. If that happens, then maybe she'd feel safer being at home alone, and she'd be okay with you going out.
>>16554667
My best friend was engaged to a girl who would do this. I used to be mil, and I remember when I was in town visiting on pre-deployment leave.we'd all be hanging out in a group. And one night he got a text and said "oh shit dude I have to go. Amy needs me home right now". Ended up Amy was just feeling lonely, and wanted to cuddle with him. That happened 3 seperate nights while I was home on leave. It really pissed me off because we didn't all get to hang out as a group often, and for the 15 days I was home she couldn't respect the fact that he wanted to hang with friends.
I'm not saying your wife is doing that, but it just sounds similar.
>>16554673
So the problem is she doesn't really have friends. We are young professionals living in a college town. Her friends all left. She has coworkers. But she doesn't like hanging out with them hardly. She has had maybe two nights that were girls nights out--in 5 months. And she hates table top gaming. She wouldn't want to watch.
>>16554707
I think you should definitely look into some home security then, just to help her a bit. If you're not going to look into that, then maybe a psychiatrist is necessary? Her seeing things reminds me of my paranoia.
When I'm alone, without my boyfriend, I start seeing things. It does sound childish at first but it's something I have yet to conquer. She feels safe around you, that's something to feel thankful about at least.
>>16554722
Well we aren't super well off. I had to take student loans out for us to just survive.
>>16554741
Maybe talk to her about seeking psychiatric help, then?
>>16554762
Again, we don't have a lot of money--she can't even take off because we got married this year and all her time off is gone (Wedding, honeymoon). I am certainly willing to go into debt if need be to see that she sees someone--I have suggested it because she has issues with anxiety too. She said she didn't want to. Sometimes she says she will--but it would have to be next calendar year at the earliest.
If I was married I would do everything with my wife. I don't need "guy friends" im not a child
>>16554816
Well I like things my wife doesn't. Why would I stop non-destructive things that I enjoy--hobbies I have had for years? Are you not your own person?
>>16554816
Whoa. Just because you hang out with your friends doesn't make you a child, especially if they were there before her.
Well maybe the whole issue is shes jealous you spent time with them. I understand its one night a week only but are you spending time with her doing things together the other days? Maybe thats all that it is. Regarding her fears talk to her about it offering professional help if she needs it.
>>16554825
Because now your "hobbies" leave her alone, defenseless at home in a crime-ridden area, where she actually experienced an attempted break-in.
Is playing table top games at night more important than your wife's life? Why can't you play games during the day?
>>16554816
>not a child
>depending on your partner for all your company
top kek
>>16554838
It isn't a high crime area. It is pleasantville USA--mostly white. There wasn't a break in--she "thought" she saw the door knob turn. We live in an old ass house with all kinds of crazy sounds.
>Why can't you play games during the day?
Schedule conflicts with the other guys. Or does a 10 o'clock curfew sound about right for an adult?
>>16554851
She seems very sure it was a break in.
Why do you not believe your own wife when she says she was being house-robbed?
>>16554779
Psychologist here OP
If she doesn't want to go see a therapist, then there's no point in wasting the money; making someone seek treatment rarely works. It sounds as if she is experiencing relatively common anxiety that shouldn't require treatment anyway. Hallucinations upon waking, sleep walking, nightmares/night terrors are typical symptoms. My advice would be not to enable the behavior to continue, because giving in to her need to be around you is likely what's led you two to this situation in the first place. If she needs you around that much for comfort, you will only strengthen that dependency by giving in. The more it happens the more prevalent it will become. Having one night a week to hang with your friends is a perfectly reasonable thing to expect, so you should be able to have that night and she should be comfortable with it. This is simply a situation where you have to put your foot down (not be mean). Dependency can be harmful to a relationship, because it shows a lack of faith somewhere: the self, the other, the relationship, etc. She needs to learn to become confident in the relationship and the most effective means of doing so is by exposure to something that would facilitate that (her having to cope with you being absent for a very brief period). She will have to find some way of being comfortable in that time frame: hanging with her friends, developing a new hobby, etc but that is her responsibility to figure out, not yours. I hope I explained that at least decently, it's late and I need to hit the sack soon lol
>>16554873
Yeah I try to do that--I have been getting really heated at her because this has been going on for months. Literally every time I try to have guys night--she ruins it with bitching of me being out too late-- or "oh god I feel so bad" or "you said you would try to come home early." I tend to then give in--and then be (what I think is reasonably) upset.
I raise my voice or tell it to her straight and she just gets all "why are you yelling at me?" me not yelling am just like "You can't let me have one day to myself?"
>>16554869
There wasn't a break in. She says she saw the door knob turn. This woman has literally walked to another apartment and tried to go inside their door at midnight while sleep walking. She has also vivid images of "spiders" that aren't real. She will act completely normal but erratic when coming out of sleep (or in the middle of it).
This is an amazingly safe area (one reason we are staying here). She has also been worried about "a truck that has driven around the block three times" She didn't even see the truck but was worried about it. It is a main road way. Vehicles go by.The close proximity to a well traveled road also means that people are less likely to go rob it.
>>16554878
If you can find ways not to set up for a confrontation, it's a lot less likely to happen. Dont tell her you'll try to come back early, because that will likely be interpreted as saying "I will be back early". Instead tell her you'll be back when you're done with your friends, and you can't say when that will be. Saying things like "why can't you let me have a day to myself?" is only going to add wood to the fire because then it becomes you accusing her. Instead, do what you can to reason. Use the word "why?". It's tough to get the hang of at first, but once you figure out how to respond to her in this way, she'll be forced to examine her own thoughts instead of blaming yours. If you ask someone why they said or did something, it makes them explain it to themselves. If you tell someone not to do something, they'll just resist to justify themselves. Just never let things get heated over something so trivial, save it for the things that matter. Stop the conversation if it gets too tense. Fact is, this is a situation that shouldn't be given too much attention, and the more she or you give it, the more problematic it'll seem. If she wants to get upset, then that's her prerogative, but you don't have to. No one should be made to feel wrong simply for seeing their friends. Do your buddies have gfs/wives/sisters they could introduce her to? It really sounds like she needs more people to be around socially
OP, I think you deserve one night a week to have fun. You aren't asking to much at all, and if this is happening early on in the relationship, it will only progressively get worse. If something extreme happens like (someone breaking in), of course rush home. But, you are entitled to have some " guy time " and live a little. One NIGHT a week isn't going to kill her. She must understand, you are two people in a relationship and you must respect each other, not control.
>>16554910
Friends are all single (one will have a gf every so often but most are hopeless on the gf sector).
I will try asking her "Why" but I imagine she will say "I am afraid to sleep here by myself."
I get even more upset when she knew I did this kind of thing before we married. She even played for a little (but secretly hated it). its like She got the ring on her finger then decided that I shouldn't be playing table top games late into the night.
She also accuses me of not doing enough to support us. She works full time 7:30 to 4:30 Monday through Friday--and brings in money about as much as me through my GI bill. I know she doesn't have nearly as much free time as I do--but sometimes I feel like she is trying to ruin it for me because she has no free time of her own (and what little she has she doesn't do anything really with).
What if she has a phobia of being in a house alone? Like she's always worried that someone will rob and kill her? She could have genuine mental issues and all you care about is
> me me me me me
> muh table top games
> muh free time
> I do what I wanna do
> meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
>>16554927
>she has no free time of her own (and what little she has she doesn't do anything really with).
Fix this. Not really for the sake of your nights out, but for her as a person. When she has free time, encourage her to do somethign she likes, develop her hobbies. If that's jogging, fine, if that's gardening, also fine, if she wants to learn poledancing, this is the perfect solution. Find out what she'd like to do, but cant find the time or energy or money, and dedicate that free time of hers to it.
>>16554648
>>16554873
A friend from my weekly dnd group got married a couple years ago and has the same issue, and at least from the outside the less often he would drop out to go home early the less calls he would get about hearing a spooky noise or something. Not a psychologist, armchair or otherwise, but it seems like him not leaving/skipping leads to less calls to leave/skip.
>>16554934
>not reading the thread
>not reading about me asking her to seek help.
>not reading about me willing to go into debt to get her help.
GTFO. This thread is to see if a "weekly night of individual enjoyment" is normal and healthy in a married relationship.
>>16554951
Her hobby is reading and sometimes working out. But nothing ever with people. I have to twist her arm it seems to get her to do things with "her friends" or coworkers. When she does it she is happy. But my god she mostly naps on the couch and reads when she has free time. She says we can't make friends here--but she doesn't try. I try to get her to go to swing dancing lessons on Friday night with me--to meet people. (yes they are mostly young--but who cares?).
Is playing at your house not an option?where do you go playing and why there?
>>16554838
Why does she even need him around to be protected? Get her a gun, take to the range and train her. Problem solved, antone tries to break in while youre not there gets drilled. She has her security, you still get to chill with your boys.
