Am I overreacting?
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I'll greentext the situation
>September, me and bf going to my hometown to catch up with my family
>meet my friend from highschool times, bf and her get along very well
>October, she comes to our city for concert and stays at our place for night (me and bf live together)
>we show her around the city, bf and her talk a lot, I feel a bit left behind
>we find out we are planning to go to the same place for New Year, bf who wasn't very fond of the idea now is excited
>fast forward to now. they text a lot, write long elaborates via FB
>ask bf what they are talking about, he replies with short topic-around answers
>ask her what they are talking about, she says it's nothing intimate like she already knew I'm jealous
>can't hold my curiousness and jealousy, spot a moment when he leaves his FB open, read what they are talking about
>he suggested they write "letters", very intimate talks about philosophy, literature, music, feelings, he compliments her all the time
>tell bf I asked her what they are talking about, he goes crazy and why the hell I check his messages
>tell him I didn't and I'm not an idiot and all I know is from her cause she's my friend
Some facts: she is living 200km from us, has a bf and they get along well too. Me and her didn't have a good contact for couple of past years because we moved to different cities.
I feel miserable for controlling him but at the same time... I could have these interesting talks with him as well, we used to talk a lot but when they met we stopped. In fact I wanted to share letters like this with him much sooner than they met, but he never wanted to.
I wish we didn't go there for the New Year because I know he's going to spend all the time with her and I'm gonna just drink myself unconscious so that I don't have to watch them falling in love. Too bad accommodation is already paid.
It's not I'm afraid to lose him, just why he doesn't pay this much attention to me, why he doesn't want to have this deep connection with me?
>>16517018
Flirt with her boyfriend and see how he reacts, if he go all crazy and jealous it's because he has some guilt, it's a red flag about what he is doing with your friend.
>>16517041
I already know he feels guilty about talking with her - he wouldn't be that secret with them and so crazy about his privacy. You have a point anyway, I guess if he flirts with her on the New Year party I'm gonna have good time with all boys except him.
>>16517041
Whoa man if he reacts its becuz thats normal not guilt. Theres some better way. Two wrong dont make a right u kno
>>16517018
I don't think you're overreacting, if it was me, I would have probably driven myself insane.
1. friends don't do that to friends (even if they haven't talked in a while)
2. boyfriends shouldn't be that secretive when they're talking to someone they met through YOU
I honestly just wish they were cheating, then it'd be easier to leave this scenario. Anything you do now will make your friend and your boyfriend suggest you are psycho jealous. It's sad that she knew you felt hurt, and she continues to do so. I don't think I've ever been that close to a friend's boyfriend. You just don't... doesn't matter how much you have in common, that's someone else's significant other:/
Also, did you not have this connection at least in the beginning of your relationship? If he is attracted to her, it's probably just infatuation. She probably has a bunch of shit your boyfriend doesn't like and hasn't seen from her yet. Y'know, like talking intimately with her friend's boyfriends behind their backs.
>>16517062
Also, I suggest kinda disappearing and having your own good time on New Years. There are two possible outcomes to this though: Either, he spends the whole night with your friend and completely forgets about you, or he actually worries about you and tries to find you.
His reaction should determine the outcome of your relationship.
>>16517062
Actually I don't think she meant me wrong at any time. It was all his initiative with the letters thing and it's him who compliments her (her type of beauty, her taste in literature and music etc.). She found out just today that it hurts me.
His point is that he has the right to talk with anyone about anything and it's none of my business. I kind of agree, but it still hurts.
We had this kind of connection but it got lost among many unimportant quarrels and daily boredom. I think he fell in love with some imagination of me and it happens with my friend now too.
Thanks for the advice, your input is very helpful to me.
>>16517048
Cheater detected
OP again
He left the house now, I don't know where he went, he doesn't have anything scheduled for today. Is it a good idea to ask his good friend if he stopped by his place? I can't calm myself down, haven't eaten anything today, it's not worth the stress I'm going through but I can't explain it to my brain.
>>16517320
A real advice, straight talk with him or break up, get paranoid isn't worth, believe me, it will consume you, day after day.
>>16517337
The thing is, I'm usually the one to reconcile. I feel like if I go tell him now "sorry, I overreacted, don't be mad" it's like I lost the battle again and put effort while he doesn't have to put any. I don't want to break up either. I'm not sure what to say to him so that it doesn't look like I'm sorry when obviously I didn't do anything wrong (apart from browsing his messages, but I won't be apologizing for that for sure).
>>16517377
Don't play games girl, spit your mind to him, communication is the key (cliche, i know).
>>16517392
So far it turns out he despises and scorns my mind for the sake of the other girl's mind. But well, I'll give it another try.
>>16517420
>lacking this much self awareness
Oh lord.
>>16517420
so he doesn't deserve you, i already told you, your options are very clear.
I was in a similar situation as you, but my bf actually acted on his feelings. Let him know your concerns. Move away for awhile, maybe he will realise whats at stake. You can't be living in paranoia about what hes saying to the girl, or what they might do if they are alone. Move, do ur own thing, and please don't jump into anything that you might regret like sleeping with someone else just to 'show him'
>>16517425
Congratulations on your discovery kind anon.
>>16517436
Thanks. There's not much possibility of moving out if I don't want to break up. Definitely won't be cheating on him, there's never a reason enough for cheating.
in short: your BF is feeling better and getting along better with you friend than you.
And you drive him away even more with beeing suspicious, jealous and going through his stuff?
He isnt even sexting with her, not even cheating as far as we know as of now.
Now compare what you are doing with what a strong woman would do in that case. If you were strong you would tell him to leave you, if he likes her more, because its no problem for you to replace him. You would make it unmistakingly clear, that you are not his substitute GF until your friend is single again.
generalising men like selfsecure women, and you are not acting like one in this situation, so if you were together with me, I would be more inclined to stay in the relationship because of the way you are handling this.
>>16517587
meant to write less inclined to stay in the relationship in the last line
