so i'm dating a guy who i think i really love, but my friends and family seem really concerned for me. mostly because he's actually quite poor at his age (28). i've been the one who has been visiting his town from mine over the past months we've been together.
my mom flat out refuses to meet him because of this. she thinks i'm being desperate and that he's not respecting me. i know that if he could, he would be very generous with me, but his current financial situation simply doesn't allow it. in my eyes, i just simply took what would normally be the "man's role" and i'm ok with it. meanwhile, the guy i'm dating would support me emotionally and spoils me with attention and affection and pretty much took on the "woman's role."
i don't think i'm unattractive; normally, i don't have trouble finding or dating the men i want. but to be quite honest, most of the guys i've dated in the past were commitment-phobics or childish/immature or just completely neglectful.
with the guy i'm dating now, i feel there's a real emotional connection and he really makes me happy.
so why does this make me the crazy/desperate one and make him the manipulative and selfish one? do they have a point i'm not seeing?
>>16515712
the reason your family/friends dont like him is becase: he's broke. how fine will you be in supporting him while he is trying to find work or if he finds work at all? if you answer no, it wouldnt be unreasonable.
>>16515712
It's called gender roles, they are quite difficult to break out of.
If you love this guy, and you're certain he's not taking advantage of you, stay with him.
>>16515784
Pretty much this. Also, assuming you're American, many people in this country are just fucking weird about poverty -- they refuse to believe people can become poor through no real fault of their own, and assume the worst of people who are down on their luck.
Here's an important question, though, is he actively taking steps to change his situation?
>>16515712
Does he ask you for money?
>he's not respecting me
What do his personal choices have to do with respect toward you? It's your decision whether you want to see him. You're fully aware of his circumstances.
There is a point about consideration for the future but it's not the one your mom is giving. She's an idiot. Please don't turn into her, because that sort of self-centered bullshit of hers will drive away every man in your life. I'm surprised someone even pumped half of your genome into her to begin with.
The intelligent discussion to have here is the difference between what you want/need now and what you want/need in the future. Those sets of wants and needs are invariably different. The more you invest your time and dedication to this relationship, the more that your partner has to address both of those sets. It may be concerning that his situation now won't change in the future, such that he might not be able to provide for your wants and needs then. That's for you to decide. But ultimately the question is one of your choice, not his "respect."
Perhaps the problem is not with his poverty, but maybe what they suspect he does that you don't? Have they seen him? Does he look unscrupulous?
>>16515712
>OP posts thread
>abandons it immediately
Fuck you, your family should criticize you. You're shit at committing to anything.
>>16515875
kek
>>16515774
>>16515784
>>16515789
>>16515805
>>16515823
he is working already as a bar backer, but he has to pay off his bills and debt; not to mention health-related bills. that's where most of his money is going. the rest, he is saving up to go back to college and hopefully find a better paying job.
i'm 100% certain he's not taking advantage of me; he's always been incredibly considerate, and he's never asked for money. it's just the cost of travelling to meet him that's costing me. and i know he's not spending on himself very much at all; he wears these clothes he had a decade ago, some which have holes or tears in them.
i know that for now, i'm ok with it. for most things i "need", i can usually handle myself... unless we're talking about gifts and dinners; i really don't care for how those are managed, we can have a date at mcdonalds for all i care. he already knows he needs to step up his financial situation and is working towards that.
>>16515851
none of my friends or family have met him in person. my friends know of how he looks like, but they haven't complained about his appearance. my mom haven't even seen a photo of him yet.
>>16515875
it just takes me a while to respond, i'm sorry
>>16515897
He sounds like a guy with a mature personality that is poor at the moment. You say he's even working towards putting himself in a better situation. If your family is against him because "but he's so poor" then fuck them. I really have to question their moral views when they even refuse to meet him because of his economical situation.
I assume that your mom looks down on him because of a perceived inability to 'provide'. Most people get into long term relationships with the intent of eventually getting married and having children, and it's difficult to work during the middle/latter months of pregnancy and immediately after the baby is born.. especially if your job is physical and/or requires a lot of standing. If you stopped working because of pregnancy-related difficulties at work, could you and your bf survive?
I'm sorta going through this right now, I make a lot more than my fiancee does and so I have to keep working at my job, which involves a lot of manual labor. It's difficult, and I wish I could just be home relaxing the pain in my hips/back away, but it's just something I have to deal with since we need my job for as long as possible before the baby comes.
Look, your mom just doesn't want you to have a difficult life. My mom had the same misgivings about my fiancee, but he makes me happy and eventually she got over it and loves him like a son now that she actually got to know him after wanting nothing to do with him for 5+ years. You've only been with your boyfriend for months, you need to give your mom some time to get over her misgivings.
>>16515920
>>16515952
i get that. but considering it's been like 6 months, i don't see how marriage is going to happen any time soon. and i know i'm going to get shit for this, but i actually don't want children until there is financial stability. i grew up poor in my youth, and i know how difficult and miserable it was. i'd never wish that on my own child. i know "things can just happen" but i'd sooner abort than let out a child no one was prepared for.
He's not marriage material. What if you get pregnant? What happens if You get sick? Do either of you have health insurance, or at least rich parents? If you or your kid is sick or hungry I think your opinion of him will change. And what are his friends like? Are they sketchy? Or employed and nice people? Those love chemicals won't last. You need an equal to marry, not a dependent to carry through life.
>>16515977
>i don't see how marriage is going to happen any time soon.
I get that, but your mom is thinking about it anyway. You just have to ignore her for now until she gets over it. Once she sees he's not going away she'll come around.
>>16515952
Sorry, but Your mom is acting nicer to your bf because he's giving her a grandchild, not because she has come to like and respect him. .
>>16515997
This is correct.
Wait until she becomes a grandmazilla and starts trying to take over parenting because you two are "doing it wrong."
>>16515997
Thanks, expert on my life.
>>16515952
>>16515977
>>16515979
>having kids
lmfao
>>16515979
well i don't think he'll "pop the question" until he knows we're good financially... i'm not really expecting marriage either. and as for kids, i've already said that i'd abort rather than raise a child i'm not ready for.
his family (well, his brother and his brother's wife) and friends are very nice people by the way.
>>16515986
thanks, i suppose so. i guess i'll wait and see if her attitude adjusts...
Well, if you love him stay with him, if you can try and help him get a better job and if possible an education of some kind. Now I can see both sides to your family judging him but if you love him who gives a shit. But as a man he should at least try to provide even if you are more successful than he is. Because if he's fine leeching off of you he is taking advantage, but the way you describe him he's not so he should be on board with the idea of finding a career or education
