Is it possible to win back someone who dumped you? I was with this boy for 2 years (we're both in our early twenties), but the last year we were having a lot of trouble. We moved in together too fast. I wasn't in a good place with school and other stress factors and we kept facing the same problems over and over. I couldn't make the changes he wanted at the time, but I know I am capable of being a better person. He tells me it doesn't matter and that even though he still cares about me he doesn't want to date me and he will never want me again. Please, is it possible to show him over time that I can be what he wants? Is it worth trying? I'm devastated over losing him. I'm having panic attacks, I can't sleep or eat, I spend most of my time feeling numb. He was my first relationship and my first lover so I know that's why it's so hard, but I loved him so deeply and I can't bear this. He says it's not my fault and even if I had changed myself he still wasn't looking for a long term commitment and he shouldn't have dragged things out so long but I just can't let him go. We talked a little after the breakup but now I've backed off and I don't plan on approaching him for some time though we agreed to still be friends. Even though I know I have to accept his wishes and his feelings I can't help hoping I can make him fall in love with me again. I want to better myself for me but I want to be what he wants so he'll take me back. He told me not to change myself for him, that it doesn't work that way, but I am desperate and lonely and sad. Everyone says to focus on hobbies and exercise and school, to just make myself happy and in time it will get better, but I can't even fathom that right now.
>>16505399
The first girl I ever fell in love with (twas one sided) told me that "we don't chose who we fall in love with." And that really stuck with me.
Either he loves you or he doesn't.
I think you should just give it some time, don't talk to him nearly at all. If you do, be brief. You could try to make some of the changes that he wanted, as long as you want to make those changes. Show him, indirectly, that you've changed and maybe he'll say something and start caring again (which he might still care, just hiding it.)
>>16505399
>He tells me it doesn't matter and that even though he still cares about me he doesn't want to date me and he will never want me again
Seems pretty cut and dry to me. The bottom line is you're "desperate and lonely and sad" and no self respecting dude wants to be with some pathetic sad sack.
You're a pushover. He will never respect you because he honestly views you as kind of a sad puppy. No one wants to fuck a sad puppy.
You definitely didn't come here for constructive advice. We're going to tell you its hopeless and you're gonna respond with a million reasons why its not and why things could still work out so whatever.
The situation is what it is and after you've made a fool of yourself trying to win the affections of someone that doesn't want you maybe you'll develop some respect for yourself and move on or maybe you'll just keep doing what you're doing and end up being that sad middle aged lady we all see in the Walmart with a bunch of kids and a husband she'll never leave who wears sweatpants and yells at her all the time for forgetting to buy his Bud Light or some shit.
Be pathetic or take control of your life. Those are your two options. Make a choice.
>>16505463
>"we don't chose who we fall in love with."
False.
It's true that we don't choose who we're attracted to subconsciously, but we do tell ourselves stuff to fall in love with someone.
Example of your thoughts when you're falling in love with someone:
"Wow, she's so cute... and she likes videogames.. so smart, funny.. God, I wanna marry her"
We tend to idealize the other person, telling ourselves nice things about them.
>>16505499
I'm not that anon, but I 100% disagree with that completely.
Sounds like you need a hard cock, OP, in the 303 area?
>>16505399
OP you are my ex. And I am that guy. It's the worst feeling and scenario ever. This is literally the same boat I am in. I still love her and care about her but can't be with her after all we've been through. I can't help but I can try to answer any questions you have. Pretend I'm your ex
>>16505595
Do you honestly think people can't change? He says after how long we were together he recognized patterns and things he disliked, such as how I would handle certain situations or how I would react to stresses and things. He says we can't start over because he already knows so much about me when I feel there's a lot I can learn to adjust (for the good of both of us) and there's so much about each other we never discovered. And I made changes. I used to cut him off frequently when we were having conversations, and it took time but I adjusted that and became more aware. I know I am capable of reworking the way I handle situations but through a lot of our relationship I was unaware that those things were affecting him. I don't mean to make excuses but I just know I can be different. When you decide not to break up, is it just a passing anger or feeling? Do you think he'll hold on to that for the rest of his life, that unwillingness to try to fix things? I know it culminated over the past year. It wasn't a spur of the moment decision but if the person you fell out of love with became someone more attractive and successful could you entertain the idea of giving them another chance?
>>16505463
I know I can not force things, but I hope that if I work on myself he'll notice my personal growth and reconsider things. I know I have to accept that he might not even though it's difficult. Thank you.
>>16505614
*when you decide not to be with someone and break up
>>16505399
>Is it possible to win back someone who dumped you?
Short answer: No. Life is not a rom-com.
Long answer: It is true that people change their minds and patch things up from time to time. But this is unspeakably rare, and generally involves couples who had good reasons to split up, but split up for bad reasons instead. It is usually extremely fucked up, and you do not want to go there.
Don't change for another person. Change for yourself. If another person wants you to change, and you look at what they want and decide that it's a good idea, that's one thing, but even then, make it YOUR goal, not something you're doing because they told you to.
>>16505399
>I'm devastated over losing him. I'm having panic attacks, I can't sleep or eat, I spend most of my time feeling numb.
Don't enter a relationship because you need it to be healthy, be in a relationship because you want to. You sound insane right now. I wouldn't take you back if I were him.
>>16505668
That's normal break up stuff, especially considering he was the first relationship and it was 2 years together. I don't think that's insane but obviously they need time to get over the worst of it before they can do anything.
>>16505671
>That's normal break up stuff
According to who? Panic attacks and self starving??? That's not fucking normal dude. I think you might come here too often. SHE needs time, not "they" because it sounds like the boy is already over it.
>>16505679
Have you ever been in a longterm relationship that went sour? Shit hits you hard the first few days after. Also fuck off with your "they" thing grammar whore, I meant singular "they" as in OP.
>>16505690
>Have you ever been in a longterm relationship that went sour? Shit hits you hard the first few days after. Also fuck off with your "they" thing grammar whore, I meant singular "they" as in OP.
So I was right, you DO come here too often.
As the guy in your situation with a girl who won't get it, please stop. You'll only get angry at the guy when you realize you're offering yourself entirely and he doesn't want it and honestly he didn't ask you to offer so much of yourself. So please stop, before you waste even more time which will make you even more angry. Just fuck off.
>>16505399
I had this problem with my ex-gf from a year ago. I just messaged her on facebook saying "FUCK YOU" when I was angry and we actually talked about what happened and I feel resolved.
I guess I realized that I actually was angry about everything. Are you angry OP?
>>16505708
>>16505700
I don't think I'm angry. I don't feel angry, just saddened. Disappointed maybe because it felt like he gave up early on and just let things continue. I attempted to fix things from time to time until I gave up too. Maybe I am a little angry if I think about it, because relationships shouldn't be one sided and I shouldn't have to feel like I'm the one who needs to make all the changes by myself. I don't know.
>>16505717
The guy with the crazy ex (like you) here. I said you will be angry, very fucking angry. Yes it is one sided but it's you who made it that way. He wants it to be no sided, he doesn't want your side at all, he's not interested in you, he even FUCKING TOLD YOU THAT. So why are you still offering? Do you realize how fucking pissed you'll be when you realize you're the fool in all of this? Be fucking sure you'll take it out on him, you already are! He didn't ask for this! Go fuck yourself.
>>16505720
Who hurt you so badly man? I'm sorry your ex had a hard time getting over you.
>>16505727
I just feel sorry for the guy, bro. I know OP will do what mine did which is claim the guy was abusive. She's already starting it
>why do I have to be the one to change that means you're abusing me you made me feel inadequate
No, no he didn't. He told you he doesn't want that, for you to change, he told you to fuck off. You're the one sticking around.
>>16505717
Yeah, shit sucks. You'll eventually understand that you can't always control your emotions about the past. At least not for awhile. Just try to make it through today. To quote Mad Men (I was just watching it)
"Life goes on, but they never tell you that's not a good thing."
>>16505733
You're insinuating things and assuming stuff I haven't said. He was never abusive to me and I am not completely unstable because I am sad and want another chance to be with someone who made me happy. I know I will have to accept it in time if there's no hope of getting back with him but I can't help wanting to believe there's something I might be able to do. You seem more irrational than I am.
>>16505739
Well, I am angry...
>>16505742
Why are you angry?
>>16505746
I don't want to tell you.
>>16505739
OP, just move on. The guy obviously doesn't want you. There's nothing to do here, so stop being overly dramatic and get over it.
>>16505614
What does successful entail?
I think it's commendable that you're working towards a better you. I don't think it's pathetic you're not doing it solely for yourself.
Everyone needs a reason to strive. For some, it's solely within and different for others. Don't look at it as a all or nothing however because even if getting back doesn't work for you, still you will have your success of improvement.
Maybe none of these others commenting have felt the dedication of love and what it can do.
>>16505752
It's an anonymous internet forum. Here I'll tell you part of why my last relationship makes me angry. It's embarassing to me.
She was my Little Girl and I was the Daddy Dom. I'm pissed though because I was so caught up in being the man that I didn't realize I wanted to be the Little Girl. If I told her that, maybe we could have had tea parties and shit. We did weirder shit. I'll never have a chance like that again, do you understand me? FUCK.
>>16505769
I can tell you're the little girl because you just put your fucking problems on me when I didn't ask you too. Dick.
>>16505771
I thought opening up to other people made it easier for them to open up. Now you made me feel stupid.
>>16505773
Don't feel stupid. [spoiler] I'll have a tea party with you. [/spoiler]
>>16505778
Thanks, but I want you to talk about your problems.
>>16505773
You're not wrong but it's that way because you make those people feel obligated towards you. You're manipulating, not being friendly. You're being a nice dick. A dick who uses positive emotions to get people to do what you want. Just like OP, except OP has the extra benefits of being batshit crazy.
Hello it's me again. I'm here to tell you it's possible to get someone back. If you change, it no matter what your motivations are. All change you ultimately do for yourself, so him being your motivator is sound. The thing you're forgetting is that there are toget things you should be considering changing up, besides the things that weren't working in your relationship. You shouldn't want the old relationship back, because thay relationship broke. You should want a new relationship. Set higher standardspråket for yourself. You're obviouslu lacking on the communication department, so set a goal for yourself to become better at communicating. Not only what you want and mean and feel, but who you are, your values, goals and achievements. In order to get someobe back, you shouldn't start with asking a favour. You should provide value and raise their interest. No promises of change, but the results and outcomes as part of your new self. You were together for 2 years, so you prolly know him quite well. See if his favourite band is playing near you anytime soon. Hit him up with a "hey, I hope you're great! I saw that band is playing at place soon, and remembered how you were into them. Thought you'd like to know." and not expect an answer. You're not doing it in hopes that he will want to go with you. You're doing it to show that you're don't need anything from him (you're not asking him anything, just providing valuable information,) and that you're a decent person. As a result he'll be thinking a tiny bit better of you. Maybe he'll reach out because of this. Because the last thing that happened wasn't some excuse for him to tell you to stop wasting his time. If he does reach out, you'll just have to provide more of the same. Come across as someone that provides value. Seem exciting. Don't mention the two of you in any other context than what good times are ahead. Don't look back.
