>>16491812
>I'm not really into monogomany and am totally down with her fucking other guys as long as it doesn't inconvenience me.
>I ask them both to stop because it's getting weird for me.
You wanted an open relationship, she wanted that one special person. She was using the other guy to feel good about herself because you couldn't give her what she wanted. Just because it was getting "weird" for you doesn't mean you get to tell her who she can and cannot sleep with. You're not compatible in that way.

Months go by, I get un-depressed, I fuck some other girls. Life is alright. Ex contacts me. Says she broke up with faggot, I was right about the whole monogamy thing, wants to try and make amends. I think "why not? no commitment, nothing to lose" for the past few weeks we've been having a great time. No sex yet because we're slowly but surely working through bitterness and anger, but we're definitely doing well.

Then I find out that even though she did in fact break up with faggot (verified by friends), they still hang out all the time and are intimate. I tell her to break it off with him completely, she says "I can't make a promise that I'm not sure I'll keep".

My choice now is this.

If I had known having an issue with faggot dude would end things so amazingly, I would have just gotten over it and we probably would have had a dozen threesomes by now and everything would have been grand. I could just take that opportunity now (sans threesomes fuck that guy), and try not to care.

But on the other hand, I would be letting her back into my life with absolutely zero concessions made. What does that say about my self respect?

>>16491844
See above post, and also, the dude in question was her (at the time) best friend's ex boyfriend, and my close friend. While we didn't have any rules in our unspoken open relationship, I didn't sleep with any of her friends and this with the first guy (of maybe 5) that I had a problem with, and it was because I hung out with the dude all the damn time. It wasn't for no reason at all.

Bonus Drama: Her best friend (and our roommate) cheated on faggot dude with our other roommate, why exgf hooked up with one time and I didn't make a big deal out of.

>>16491866
>>16491866
Extra detail: Ex is moving to CA in a month, I'm moving to CA in 6 months, faggot will never move to CA.

I could just wait until we're both in CA and he's out of the picture entirely, but I'm fucking horny and I'm not particularly good with women even though I've had a couple this semester.

>>16491866

If you want an open relationship with her, just get the fuck over it. You're not fucking him so it's not your business.

>What does that say about my self respect?
That you're being really silly because this shouldn't have been an issue in the first place?

>>16491870
>See above post, and also, the dude in question was her (at the time) best friend's ex boyfriend, and my close friend.
They could be related to you for all I care. It doesn't matter.

>we didn't have any rules in our unspoken open relationship
Exactly, which is why this isn't your business and you're getting butthurt over something YOU should have talked about when you were initially together.

>I didn't sleep with any of her friends and this with the first guy (of maybe 5) that I had a problem with, and it was because I hung out with the dude all the damn time.
Again, you didn't talk this out with her. Open relationships don't work without proper communication, and you're going about this the wrong way, which is why your life is filled with so much petty drama. You carry it with you.

>It wasn't for no reason at all.
Yes, it was. You were catching the feels for her and it was making you upset. You cannot make people off-limits unless you communicate.

>Bonus Drama: Her best friend (and our roommate) cheated on faggot dude with our other roommate, why exgf hooked up with one time and I didn't make a big deal out of.
This means absolutely nothing to anyone. How is this relevant?

>>16491866
Wow what a fucked up story this all was. You broke this chick. And lived with 6 people, how does that even work? There must have been constant drama. And she's so fucked up mentally that she contacted you again, wow, really fucked.

>>16491879
>Extra detail: Ex is moving to CA in a month, I'm moving to CA in 6 months, faggot will never move to CA.
How can you be so sure that he'll never move in with her, or a friend over there that you may not know about, or that she won't move back to CT?

>I could just wait until we're both in CA and he's out of the picture entirely
It sounds like they have an emotional connection, which is why she can't make promises to you. He'll never be out of the picture entirely unless she puts forth the effort in cutting him off.

>>16491899
Yeah, I honestly feel sorry for her. People like OP don't realize when they're at fault.

>>16491899
Duplex with 4 bedrooms per side. Yeah I know.

>>16491895
We weren't officially anything. If we had sat down and decided we were in an open relationship we would have come up with some rules to make it work. I tried to make 'no friends a rule' and forgave them both, three times, then I was just done with it.

At the very end I told her we were going to be exclusive or I was going to move out. She agreed, we became exclusive, she cheated on me. The problem is that she lied about pretty much everything for months. I never lied about anything, including my intentions.

>>16491904
She never lived in CT. He's a big faggot from Jersey who hates the west coast and (her words not mine) "could never live that far from his mother". As far as the emotional connection, I don't know. He's really nice I guess, but afaict his only intrinsic value is that he's got me beat physically in every way.

>>16491906
>People like OP don't realize when they're at fault.
Fuck off, I gave them both tons of slack, more than any of you would.

The first time I had an issue I asked her "Hey can you stop this? It's making me feel weird in our friend group." and she said "I don't want to but okay I will." The next day I said to him at a party "I'm not mad, but I'm not cool with you sleeping with Girl, will you stop?" he said "Yeah man, I understand."

He picked her up from the party she was at and took her back to his place that night, not two hours after telling me that. Repeat two more times about the say way.

>>16491915
>I tried to make 'no friends a rule'
You can't make rules AFTER things start to bother you, especially if you weren't official. Why is this so hard for you to understand? No one is going to take you seriously in that situation, so I can see why she didn't.

>At the very end I told her we were going to be exclusive or I was going to move out. She agreed, we became exclusive, she cheated on me.
At that point, your relationship was already broken and she had a stronger connection with the other guy (even though she had one with you). Ultimatums don't work long-term.

>>16491921
>Fuck off, I gave them both tons of slack, more than any of you would.
Giving them slack doesn't matter, because this shouldn't have been an issue to begin with. YOU wanted to the open relationship and YOU failed to communicate until it was already too late.

This is why open relationships really only ever work for those 40+.

>>16491927
I admit I fucked up a few times. I shouldn't have cared that she was sleeping with Faggot. I shouldn't have been fucking random other girl while things were tense. Those were both important fuckups on my part, but I feel like I paid for those mistakes long before she stopped lying to me.

So you're saying I should get over all of the lying and sneaking around because it stemmed from a poor decision I made? Do others agree with this?

>>16491938
>So you're saying I should get over all of the lying and sneaking around because it stemmed from a poor decision I made?
Only if you want to try an official open relationship, but I would recommend against it. She seems like too broken of a person to make this work.

>>16491948
>>16491948
I'm certainly open to the idea (pun intended), but the thought of allowing her to have an intimate relationship with the catalyst that destroyed our relationship sparks the craziness in my head that I recognize is there.

Also, I'm really stuck on the whole, she lied maliciously thing and is unwilling to compromise on anything going forward. My mistakes pale in comparison to hers imo, and if this is going to work I feel like I need some type of concession from her to prove I'm not wasting my time.

Is this logical or is this said craziness?

>She seems like too broken of a person to make this work.
That very well may be true but she was my dream girl for years, so I'm willing to take some risk, my only hangup is the above.

>>16491972
>Also, I'm really stuck on the whole, she lied maliciously thing and is unwilling to compromise on anything going forward. My mistakes pale in comparison to hers imo, and if this is going to work I feel like I need some type of concession from her to prove I'm not wasting my time.
I don't really think you'll be able to trust her after everything, and in the back of your mind, you'll always wonder if she's still talking to aforementioned guy. Even if she says she'll stop talking to/sleeping with him, you have no way of knowing if she actually will. And given her past, she doesn't exactly have a good record with cheating. Would emotional intimacy bother you?

>>16491983
>Would emotional intimacy bother you?
Probably, but only to the point that it interferes with our relationship. My idea of the perfect relationship is your typical ltr bf/gf, but with the ability to act on impulse and try and sleep with my coworkers and shit. I would never be okay with her taking someone else to dinner with her parents or going on a vacation together, shit like that.

To reiterate though, you wouldn't have a problem with your best friend sleeping with your close mutual friend who is also the ex of another close mutual friend?

I have no problem with most of what you're saying, OP. I've been in a relatable situation with my ex, minus the part about her sleeping with friends of mine. Our only agreement is that we don't tell waych other whether we sleep with other people, unless asked. After I started fucking her again 7 weeks ago, I asked because of condoms y/n, and she told me she is fucking someone in a different city, but there's a 85% chance she hasn't been with him since we started hopping up, and I'm almost certain she hasn't fucked anyone else in my city. I've fucked one other girl since, but she doesn't know. Friends are off limits, but not because we've discussed it, but we're both smart enough to see how that would fuck up things majorly.

It makes it easier when we don't know, and especially, as you say;
>as it doesn't inconvenience me

I tried the same thing last year (we also officiallt broke up 2,5years ago,) and I couldn't deal after a while, because she was fucking someone from her work, and saw him way more than me. I'm not fine with being a second choice, especially since she still tells me she loves me. (On top of inconvenience, her family hates me, so we've been holding things a secret, since a majority of her friends are close to her sisters as well.)

You may have fucked up, but it's clear this girl got affections towards you. Your choice is more multifaceted. You don't need her to ble doing anything for you to be ok with faggot. You have the ability to let go of the fact that she might be intimate with him again. It got nothing to do with you, so just travel back in time in your mind and rearrange the rules. It's ok for her to sleep with friends, but pretend she's not, and you don't have to ask her about it anymore. In fact, he isn't your friend anymore, so just forget about him, dude.
Instead just focus on being the greatest guy in her life. That in and of itself decreases the chances of her continuing with him.
Either that, or wait until CA. Give yourself time.

>>16492008
>Probably, but only to the point that it interferes with our relationship. My idea of the perfect relationship is your typical ltr bf/gf, but with the ability to act on impulse and try and sleep with my coworkers and shit. I would never be okay with her taking someone else to dinner with her parents or going on a vacation together, shit like that.
That's the big problem with open relationships though. When you sleep with someone, you pair-bond with them. For some people, they catch feelings more easily than others based on the chemical make-up of their brains. This is likely something you're going to have to deal with in the future if you stay with this person. She may never see that guy again, but there will likely be someone else. It doesn't sound like she's meant to have an open relationship.

>To reiterate though, you wouldn't have a problem with your best friend sleeping with your close mutual friend who is also the ex of another close mutual friend?
1). It's not my business. 2) I keep quality people around me. 3) It's really, really not my business.

I can honestly say I've never had to deal with anything even remotely close to your situation because I know how to spot red flags and when to stay out of shit.

>>16492029
>>16492042
Alright, thanks. I'm definitely looking at this situation in a new light.