It bugs you now - it's going to bug you for ever.

Lies always stick in the craw and liers stick to their form if they don't suffer huge consequences.

Move on - tell her you can't be with a girl who lies and she will improve if she can, but not with you. She will beg and cry but that just means she wants to get away with lies in the future. Not good.

>>16474801
ok im open to all replies but since then she shows me literally everything. her snapchat recents, her texts, her twitter messages. And its not voluntarily, its random when im feeling paranoid and ask her. She also had said she wants to spend the rest of her life making it up to me and comforting me. A factor to keep in mind is how early on in our relationship the lie was

>>16474805
I feel for you - you think you can solve this and you can, you can have a nice life with a slight undercurrent of paranoia that poisons your whole relationship. You have it now - don't you?

Leaving her and starting again will teach you both what you need to be comfortably at ease in a relationship. What you have now is not that! It may be acceptable, but it's not that.

Feel free to go on with this relationship but IMHO you will hurt her, and be hurt.

Good luck anon

>>16474813
fuck my life, theres definitely a part of me that wants to end things and just casually hook up with more girls but shes my first love and its hard to imagine finding a girl i can be as goofy with. It's just the inside jokes and nicknames we have, its really corny lol, but seems irreplaceable.

>>16474805
The initial story makes me wonder how old you two are. These incidents sound very reckless.
It is always hard to give adv on relationship things because it is so hard to know an individual that good to predict anything but seems to me like you have trust issues in your relationship. Are you having trouble trusting her because of one lie, or continuous behavior? Are you having trouble with trust in other relationships?
It could be she is embarrassed for having sex with this guy, after all she was intoxicated out of her mind and maybe would have not agreed if the setting had been different? People lie about themselves when they have hard time accepting themselves as they are. People give reasons to their actions to make it easier to accept what they have done. But people are multidimensional. One mistake doesn't make her a bed jumping slut.
Could it be that this guy has interest in your gf, and your girl wants to be just friends but can't say so / is leading him on / is interested in him too? They have a long history of friendship, maybe your gf is thinking about social circles..
I applaud her for considering your feelings and being more open about her conversations in different platforms. It must make you feel better while tripping in paranoia. Keep in mind though, she is doing this willingly to help you, but it might also turn against you two, if there is no real reason for you not to trust her.
In relationships you just have to take the leap of faith and trust your partner. In my opinion, even if you feel you shouldn't. Your feeling might be wrong, based on your fear. If you get hurt in the process so be it. With experience you grow.

>>16474840
im 20 and shes 21. And she has completely cut this dude out of her life so im confused as to what kind of relationship they had to begin with. I also have a lot of insecurity issues and jealousy. Recently i found out im the 10th person shes slept with, and although shes my 9th i still get sick thinking about it because shes from a very small town and i immediately come to the conclusion that a bunch of dudes in the town fucked her and have conversed about it because im fucking insane and paranoid. Im also thinking about how cold and how big of a douche bag ive been to women before so the thought of them being like that is maddening.

>>16474757
It happened before you were going out.

You don't have a leg to stand on.

Women rarely come to you naive, innocent, and thinking of your cock as some kind of mysterious, orgasm-granting thing she can't get enough of. They have lives long before ever meeting you.

As I re-read your first -

Why would she say "just us" to a guy who she claims to have raped her. Does she have it in mind to have a cup of tea at the local tea house?

The reason why you can't shake it is because she is still obscuring the facts of the situation. and although your mind is clouded by the soft fluffy relationship stuff - your gut tells you she is a liar and keeps kicking you in the butt!!

This is why the sour will not go away - because her story is still laced with half truths and lies - and your gut knows it.

>>16474861

god damn this sucks. Was it maybe because they didnt wanna make things awkward within their friend group? (gf, her brother, roomate, gf's female friend)
She didnt claim he raped her she just said she didn't remember it. Idk man this really really sucks because shes so nurturing and loving now...

>>16474855
Maybe she cut her out when she found out how he is a person? From how you told how it went down between them two, I wouldn't want to keep in touch with someone I've known almost all my life and still goes ahead and has sex with me in that state EVEN if he was wasted too.
It could also be, that you mean a lot more to her than this friend she cut ties with. If she values your relationship and the guy was a threat.
I don't want to defend her in any way, these are just possible scenarios.
Are you worried about how other people perceive you, her, or you as a couple?
You might be thinking too much.
You might be having anxiety over things you can't affect.
You seem to be smitten with your gf despite these issues! To me it's a manifestation of love when you feel angry because of these thoughts you have about her previous sex partners bad mouthing her. But lets be clear: these are just thoughts in your mind.
You shouldn't really care what other people do, think or talk.

I lied to my boyfriend about my vacations, about some of my days and ommited things i did.
I went alone to a place where in fact i "ran into" some friends.
I went home after going the cafe with him, but actually had coffee with a music school friend who was in a bad part of his life.
I went to the movies once with a university friend and didnt told him, just said i left school late.

And with all sincerity i hate doing it, i dont want to do it. I feel guilty, sad, and stresses me for a long time. But i justify myself. I hanvent done nothing wrong whilst lying. But if even someone liking a picture on facebook leaves him cold and passive agressive, paranoid, how can i have friends or make friends?
I wasnt very sociable but i had friends, used to hang out with them ocasionaly and had fun, if i liked someone new i could talk about it, be hyped and invite and be asked to go somewhere or have that someone to meet my friends.
Now i dont have time, i cant have time alone almost, i have to keep constantly reassuring him its good. I came to the point i didnt see anyone but him outside classes for months and months. I cant bring the people i wish were my friends because i already lied about the times i hung out with them. I cant bring them because my bf would not like them, and would be very unsympathetic. Even mentioning bringing someone would destroy weeks of medium mood. I have wronged, i am very unhappy, he doesnt forgive, never forgets, doesnt give me space or time. Im drowning

>>16474840
>In relationships you just have to take the leap of faith and trust your partner. In my opinion, even if you feel you shouldn't.
Enjoy getting keked.

>>16474855
9/10 partners at your age is quite a lot, to be honest.
It also sounds like she is using the alcohol/medication as an excuse. However, you shouldn't drink while on Xanax in the first play and she should know that. Benzodiazepines don't go well with alcohol. There is a risk of enhancing unwanted or dangerous side effects of both. There is a reason people overdose on this combination.
I really do see some red flags in what you posted. Just think about it.

>>16474859
>It happened before you were going out.
And that makes it magically not matter at all how?
Also the lie was after they started going out.

>>16474861
>Why would she say "just us" to a guy who she claims to have raped her.
Maybe "raped" by the messed up definition of some US laws. But who even says she feels raped at all?

>>16474865
>Idk man this really really sucks because shes so nurturing and loving now...
Because she wants to keep you and fears loosing you. If the fear stops, she will most likely go back to the way she was before. I doubt this will last and you shouldn't count on it either.
The other posters were right with saying this will keep on poisoning your relationship though. You might get over this, but I doubt you ever will completely, the chances aren't good.

>>16474855
I've had paranoia before. It was set off by past experiences and my own insecurities. It made me very jealous, paranoid and insecure. Still sometimes, I have trouble separating reality from my fantasy but it has gotten way better.

> Try accepting your thoughts as thoughts, not reality, and your feelings as reactions to your thoughts.
> Don't try to block your thoughts, let them come and pass.
> Talk to someone about it, someone you trust, someone who knows you well.

Don't fall to despair. You are most likely not crazy, but just have enormous feelings and emotional reactions you have trouble dealing with.

The only good thing is her cutting contact with him. That's a big step and I wouldn't have thought she'd do that judging by that other stuff you wrote.
She is obviously trying to set things right.

>>16474875
And that has to do with this question how?

>>16474881

she lost her virginity at 15, thats like 1-3 a year. Is that really a lot?

OP here

What rly fucked me up was the fact i had to hang around this guy for a night. There's so many good aspects to the relationship, i get sick thinking about it going away. I also get sick thinking about how she would feel and how lonely she'd be, she hardly has friends. Im convinced she wants to marry me

>>16474881
>>16474840 here. I don't see romantic relationships as a game where you win or lose. I am enjoying my experiences very much, even if keked.

>>16474895
GET OVER IT.
IT DIDN'T HAPPEN TO YOU.

>>16474901

what do u even mean? I know they were both intoxicated but there had to have been a level of mutuality. What DID happen to me was the lies, the fact i was in the presence of the douche bag for a day and even shook his hand, which all would have been avoided had i known the truth

>>16474891
It's enough to see she either doesn't have very long relationships or does one night stands or has casual sex with guys she didn't know for too long.
If her relationships are short, there is always a reason for it.
In either of those cases she is not wife material.
Sure, if you just want a short relationship or some sex, she is perfectly fine, but anything more? I wouldn't take my chances.

>>16474898
Didn't say anything about this being a game or that you could lose that game.
Trust has to be earned though and can easily be destroyed. Trusting someone with good reason not to is plain stupid.
Would you conduct business in the same way? Why not? All you can lose there is money, while so much more can happen to you in a relationship.
You can enjoy this as much as you want, in the end you are the one getting screwed.
You also said
>If you get hurt in the process so be it.
Sure, you can't do much about it once it happened, but you don't have to willingly and knowingly jump into it either, which is pretty much the result of your "trust your partner unconditionally" thing.
Hey, if it works for you, that's totally fine, but I don't think that's good advice to give to anyone ever.

>>16474901
Fuck off. Just because it didn't happen to him means he is not allowed to have any reaction to it whatsoever? He is fully entitled to his own opinion and feelings on the matter.

>>16474895
It's nice that you think about her there, but you also have to think about yourself. Never forget that, it's important.
It's not all about her, it's also about you being happy and how you feel about the relationship.
If you feel that relationship turned sour already (sounds to me like it), do you really want to turn it into a sour marriage?
I am not saying you should break up with her, I am saying you should think about everything, including yourself and weigh it. If you want to continue this, go ahead. But read what everyone in here has said (maybe a second time when the thread is done)

>>16474921
cont.
and give it some thought.
Sure, if you come to the conclusion you have to end this, it will hurt and it's not a situation anyone wants to be in. But you shouldn't continue a relationship you are unhappy in just for her sake. This would make things even worse. You'd ultimately blame her for your unhappiness, although you'd be the one most at fault. I pretty much guarantee you that.

>>16474913

Tell me about the lies?

Have you told about your 9 sex experiences in detail to her?

I don't understand if you are unhappy because of the fact that they had sex, or because you had to meet this guy and would not have had you known about their sexual experience together?

If you want a virgin you are still young to find a "pure" girl with no past relationships.

>>16474928

Im uncomfortable with girls who hang out with friends they slept with to begin with, but mostly because she lied and i hung around him

Im so conflicted everyone. Because if i dump her i feel like i will never again find a girl who puts up with my paranoia and jealousy the way she does

>>16474945
Pro tip: That's how everyone has felt ending a relationship like that, ever. Especially if they are still young.
She is not any more of a special little snowflake than anyone else on this planet. Harsh, but true.

>>16474921
>>16474898 again. In length I said
> In relationships you just have to take the leap of faith and trust your partner. In my opinion, even if you feel you shouldn't. Your feeling might be wrong, based on your fear. If you get hurt in the process so be it. With experience you grow.
You forgot that growing part but are partly right with earning trust. Still, I don't see a good enough reason not to trust her just yet.
Running a business means taking risks and relationships in generals are risky. You are suggesting running before getting hurt.
All relationships should first start with a healthy amount of trust. Holding your partner accountable for past mistakes and silly doings (these are young adolescence, he has behaved badly in the past also) claiming they need to earn your trust from the get-go is just unfair and immature.
He says he realizes he is paranoid. What I said about "feeling that you shouldn't" addresses that. Try not to feed that with your silly ass advice of doubting her because that is what you are implying.
In no way do I see it as "getting screwed" if I trust someone and it turns out to have been a bad decision. I only see it as a bad decision with undesired outcomes. And move on.

>>16474937

Maybe she lied because she knew you would get the crazy paranoid if she was honest?

>>16474945
>Because if i dump her i feel like i will never again find a girl who puts up with my paranoia and jealousy the way she does

because fuck self-improvement and trying to overcome your paranoid and jealous tendencies, right

>>16474975
I don't think the growing part is important to my argument, that's why I left it out. Even if I grow from it as a person, I do not happily rush to get hurt.
I am also not suggesting running, I am suggesting proceeding with good caution. I simply said you shouldn't trust unconditionally, no matter if it's in a relationship or in business.
All relationships should start with the amount of trust earned beforehand and I agree that this amount needs to be healthy. And everyone is accountable for past mistakes, after all they made them. There is no set amount of time after which a person mysteriously stops being responsible for their mistakes or bad decisions. Those might have consequences and everyone has to live with them. I do have the right to decide whether or not that's a deal breaker for me and there is nothing immature or unfair about not giving everyone I meet some sort of advance on trust they are yet to earn. Why would I? And how is that unfair? After all I treat everyone the same in that regard.
I am not just implying doubting her, I am openly saying you should doubt her to some extent. She lied knowingly and willingly about having had sex with her friend. That's good reason to doubt her honesty. It is obviously undermining the trust he has in her and if he does have paranoia, she should have known this would just make it way worse as soon as it comes to light.
>I only see it as a bad decision with undesired outcomes.
Aka you got screwed.

>>16474998
And the lie was pretty much bound to make it worse when it came to light. It was definitely not a smart decision, although I can see how she might have thought telling the truth would be a problem.
The question this leads to is what else she would or already did lie about because of the same reason. Is that a relationship you'd want to be in?

>>16475014

y r u so bitter? Im having issues here i dont need the sarcasm. Im more than happy to grow up, its still a quality i admire the fuck out of. i think any dude could appreciate it

>>16475017

yeah that kinda worries me, but since then i asked she be painfully honest with everything. I mean she did tell me i was her tenth, and i kno girls lie but i dont see why 10 would be her lying-number. Idk fuck

>>16474875
>But if even someone liking a picture on facebook leaves him cold and passive agressive, paranoid, how can i have friends or make friends?
The answer to an unhappy relationship is to break up. The answer isn't to lie and then rationalize it because your partner is shitty.

>>16475035
There is weird reasons for things at times.
If she is lying about her number (I am not suggesting she is and don't believe she is), this might simply be what she still sees as acceptable for her age, what she hears from her friends, or whatever other reason one might come up with.
I do doubt she lied about that though. It just doesn't sound like it or seem very likely.

As I said, this is really a decision you have to make on your own. People here told you there are good reasons to break up, but you also have good reasons to stay with her.
She did cut contact to a friend of so many years for you after all. So that sounds like she wants to set things right and cares about what you feel like about this. She does want to make you comfortable again and does her best to earn your trust back by showing you everything.
My biggest concern would be her mixing Xanax with alcohol, not that lie about having sex she doesn't remember with a friend she cut contact with.
I'd strongly suggest talking about this with her. I know she is already doing her best, but I'd be open with her, telling her it simply takes a bit to get over the lie (not even the sex), but make sure you point out to her that you see her effort of winning back your trust and making it up to you, that you don't expect her to do even more as she is already doing everything she can and that you really appreciate her cutting contact with that friend of hers, because you know that wasn't an easy thing to do and it shows how much she values your relationship and thought about your feelings first.
All in all she does sound like a pretty good person, if you don't have a problem with those red flags I am seeing.
However, if you should ever find out she did not actually cut contact with that friend, but only made it seem like it to put your mind at ease, I'd end the relationship right away and never look back.

>>16475084
This.