Got dumped more than two years ago by a girl who was my best friend and (briefly) lover. She had told me it was ok that I was shy and she wanted me to be able to trust her with anything, and yet it was exactly this sort of shyness that meant she never saw me as boyfriend material and broke it off as soon as she met someone who was. She wanted to stay friends but things had clearly changed between us and we barely spoke anymore, so I cut contact completely. I was pretty devastated, and if I didn't have trust issues before then I definitely had them after (and continue to have them now).
The advice I normally get is to go out and get another girl and forget about her, but every time I've tried this, it hasn't worked. 95% of girls seem boring and ordinary (i.e. social-media obsessed, no genuine hobbies), so it's very rare that I even have a crush in the first place. Even if I do meet a girl I like, I don't know how to make something happen with them. I have to completely fake a confident and positive personality, which ruins any chance of a genuine connection forming. If I try to 'just be myself', I realise I'm scared of a relationship. I'm scared that I'll fall for the first girl I sleep with and end up getting used and hurt again. The stakes are so high, that I now need my next relationship to be perfect. I need to meet a girl who will take her time with me even though she has no reason to, who will love me for who I am, and who will make me want to trust again.
I know that's weak, unlikely, and completely passes responsibility, but it's the only way that I think I'll be able to find a happy relationship, and finally move on from my ex. What should I do?
>>16438438
There are numerous conditions that affect how long it will take you to move on. Your experience, personality, and the circumstances of the relationship and break up are big factors. Having your heart broken is one of the most painful things you can go through and some studies suggest that the physiological effects of heart break rival that of heroine withdrawal.
People say "just move on and find another girl" but this is honestly the worst and most thoughtless advice you can give someone in this position. That's like telling someone who lost their mother to cancer to just move on and find another mom. You're in no shape to jump right into another relationship. What you need to do, more than ever, is learn to love yourself. Truly appreciate the person you are and learn to be happy with yourself. You shouldn't rely on others to bring happiness. Obviously, you can have friends and enjoy spending time with them, but you shouldn't depend on other people to make you happy. That's a sure way to end up miserable.
I recently went through a break up myself. We were together for two years and she was the first person I really loved and cared about. When it ended, I was crushed because it felt like my life had come to an end and I would never feel joy again.
Shortly after, I ended up making some great friends after not really having any for a few years. I spent pretty much every weekend out of town doing something different and experiencing new things. I went to my first concert a few weeks ago with some buddies and had a great time. I was learning how to live again without my ex, and that's crucial for anyone who goes through a break up. It will feel like you can never be happy again but that's just nonsense.
I'm not quite ready to date again but I have been hooking up with girls occasionally. It's just casual sex, something I never thought I'd ever do, but I want to start enjoying life again and it does wonders for the ego.
>>16438438
>>16438508
I'm not saying go out and try to pick up chicks, obviously, but if the opportunity presents itself, I say run with it. Just be safe. You probably won't find a girlfriend anytime soon but positive attention from women is always good. Ironically, I didn't start hooking up with girls until I stopped trying so hard. People can see your desperation and it will turn them away from you. Just last night I went to a bar downtown without a single expectation and literally had a chick sit next to me whom I ended up taking home.
I don't know. I'm going through some changes and I'm starting to learn to just look at things from a different perspective. My dad told me I should be enjoying my youth and stop taking things so seriously.
Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say, OP, is that you will be okay. I can't tell you when for sure, but I promise you someday this will all be behind you. You'll look back and wonder why you ever felt so bad.
I hope somewhere in my rambling I said something that helped.
Good luck and stay strong, brother.
You'll never find that shit, if you're looking.
The best relationships I've had are after I've accepted that it's gonna be a while before I get someone, and I focus on hobbies and work. Then, BAM. They show up.
That's my opinion, and it's worked for me. But saying you need the next one to be perfect? That shit ain't gonna happen. You're setting yourself up for failure from the get- go. Also, don't value yourself by whether or not you have someone. That's weak sauce
>>16438539
I agree with your ideas. OP enjoy your single life, learn to be comfortable with yourself, because you are the only person who will always root for yourself.
Don't go looking for anyone else, don't waste all of your time chasing women. Become comfortable with yourself, make new friends, discover new hobbies, and enjoy your own company.
Train you mind to divert attention to other things when you think about her. Then it'll naturally change your mind after a while. I'm kinda in the same place as you. I dont really find any girls at my uni interesting. I've made the decision to just stop chasing girls and better myself. I don't want to date another shallow, basic bitch just because I want companionship.
You'll be fine. I'm rooting for you anon.
The way to get over someone is to revisit every aspect of your life and find the pleasure in those things without your ex's involvement. The enduring pain of loss comes from the context of your life being the most memorable experiences you have in it. If those memories all involve your ex, the entire context of your life is your ex. Losing her means losing the basis for your life. Making new memories creates a new independent context.
When you start to rail on "95% of girls," however, a big issue comes into play. You're blaming other people for your own problem. Your life lacks so much substance that 95% of the time you fail to relate to other people. It sounds like your ex was not only the context for your life but also the provider of its substance. Now that she's gone you are a small and limited man. You have no life to revisit, no context to reconstruct. You are an ant. Without the ambition to grow on your own, your bitterness will get you nowhere. You see it yourself:
>I know that's weak, unlikely, and completely passes responsibility
>>16438526
>>16438539
>>16438590
Thanks for your advice, genuinely helpful. I guess I'm just in the waiting stage right now and, although it's tough and lonely at times, the best way of preparing for the future is enjoying the things that don't require a relationship but also being open to relationships where they might develop.
>>16438613
I appreciate the advice, although there was one thing I disagreed with. Are you saying that I should find 100% of girls compatible? By saying that I'm not interested in 95% of girls I'm just acknowledging that I've got pretty specific standards and many girls just aren't suitable for me (and vice versa, I'm sure). I only mentioned it because I think it's much rarer for me to meet a girl I could potentially connect with then it is for most guys, so I can't just go out to clubs/bars and expect to meet girls I'd enjoy a relationship with.
>>16438438
I've been stuck for 3 years now. Still trying to get over her. Our town is very small so I see her weekly. We don't speak and are no longer friends. But I'm still in love with her.
Just like you, I had to put a mask on and the whole relationship I could not be myself. I tried beeing someone who I thought she wanted me to be.
Some say that, that was an mistake on my behalf. But I truely believe that girls don't want the typical nice guy as a boyfriend.
I have not been dating since, and I'm a mental wreck ever since.
I don't know what girls want, how to hook up with them and I think I will never be able to trust one ever again. I'm hurt, filled with hate and pain. Seeking for love has gotten me no where.
Love truely hurts.
>>16438681
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but just to clarify - in this particular relationship I did try to be myself. I shared with her my lack of confidence, my other insecurities, and thought she could be my support from which to work on those things. Then she dumped me precisely because of those things, leaving me pretty bitter and cynical about everything. I've sort of got the impression now that I could make a girl fall in love with me pretty easily, so long as I pretend to be everything I'm not. If I'm open about who I am from the start, it will be much more difficult to find a proper relationship.
>If I'm open about who I am from the start, it will be much more difficult to find a proper relationship.
>>16438688
That's basicky what I'm doing these days. Maybe your right, girls don't like that shit.
Tell me more about the guy you pretend to be. I might learn a life lesson from you.
>>16438717
I don't know if you'd learn much from me to be honest, every time I get into that situation I just become disillusioned and stop trying. You'd be better off going to somewhere like TheRedPill and picking up the generic advice there.
>>16439248
Nah homie, I'm more a blue pill kinda guy. Please feel free to enlighten me with your expiriances. I'm a complete fuck up when it comes to girls.
>>16439533
Well since getting dumped, my experiences have been very limited. I slept with a girl last summer, but apart from that I've been spending most of my time deliberately avoiding the sorts of situations where I might meet girls.
So I'm probably just as much of a fuck up as you when it comes to girls, but if you really want tips I suppose I could share what has occasionally worked for me. Lots of people really like my sense of humour, which is very dry and dark since I (unbeknownst to everyone) got depressed, so I try to play to that where possible. I have a personality where I pretend like I care about nothing and maybe even act like I'm above the sorts of things everyone else cares about. Some girls like that because it can make me seem mysterious, but I've got to be careful with it because I can come across as arrogant and difficult to connect with. Finally I'm lucky enough to be tall, and I also go to the gym regularly and take care to be as fashionable as I can afford to be.
I should re-iterate that I'm shit with girls though. Since making the sorts of self-improvements I talked about in the last paragraph I get more female attention then I used to, but I'm too fucked up by that past experience to know what to do with it yet, so I'm still very shy and deliberately turn away the attention I do get.
>>16439862
You and me have lots in commen. If you are truely like the way you described yourself than we are very very much alike. I'm amazed by it.
Yes they used to call me agurant lots of time and I used to think like you about not caring and shit and I also have a dark sence of humor. Girls love misterious guys and that has worked lots of time in my favour.
But my depression and a series of dating the wrong gorls over and over again has broken me down. I feel like a hurt dog. I take real good care of myself and I still get the attention of girls, but it don't goed any further. It's like they can sence tgat I'm hurt inside.
Man, I'm realy suffering here. Last time I had sex was a couple months ago.
>>16438438
>>16438508
>>16438526
>>16438539
>>16438590
>>16438613
>>16438665
>>16438681
>>16438688
>>16438717
>>16439248
>>16439533
>>16439862
>>16439930
This is exactly why I don't want to fall in love.
