Is it a bad thing if I behave a certain way and do certain things because I want to look cool to other people?
Here's the thing.. I don't have any friends and I don't talk to anyone most of the time anyway, so I was thinking, isn't it just a total waste of time to try to look cool... when no one even notices me, cares about me, or remembers me as someone more than a random passerby? What is the point?
I imagine in my mind acting a certain way and other people thinking "wow, that guy is a badass", but this is just a daydream, it's unlikely to happen in the real world. And even if it did, what the fuck does it matter to me? Sure, it'd be satisfying for my ego if someone said I was cool, but that's a pretty short-lived moment of gratification that isn't worth the effort and worry I put into establishing some kind of image for myself.
Anyway, the point is, should I stop caring about what others think of me? I'm leaning towards stopping to care, but I'm scared. I feel like creating this image for myself gives me some kind of identity, defines me as a person, and without it I would be a nobody.
A lot of the things I do every day - my habits, hobbies, way of speaking, etc - are defined by this artificial image I'm creating for myself. If I were to stop caring about maintaining this identity, would I not lose my sense of purpose in life? It's scary because of this; it almost feels like identity suicide - and I'm not sure if I'll become a better person if I commit it. In the case that I do, would I still even be "me"? Would I still like and respect myself? Would I look back and think the current me was just a stupid phase?
I don't know. What do you guys think? Should I stop trying to create an image that seems cool to others, and if I should, how do I go about becoming a better person for my own sake instead?
I think eventually you tend to stop caring about what other people think.
The only thing I can offer you is an anecdote. About a year ago over the course of a month I stopped giving a shit. Pretty sure it was the last stages of brain development or something as I had turned 25.
There's a very fine line between being yourself and acting for the sake of others.Everyone's the main character in their own story, so it's up to you to decide what kind of a life is really worth living, and what kind of purpose you're looking for be it a combination of goals you seek to achieve or such.
I used to be do this too, act for the sake of others. It takes less than a couple seconds for someone to form a impression of you and then forget it right after. Random strangers don't actually care about your every action as much as you think they do, they all have their own shit to deal with.
It seems like you've realized that you don't want to live up to the very image you built.If you want a more genuine life, experiment and find hobbies, go out and actually do something you might enjoy. Friends will come along the way if you put yourself out there (and not completely sperg out) Do yourself a favor, be yourself.
>>17315318
Well, that's nice to hear. I hope I'll grow out of it eventually.
>>17315339
It's hard to decide what kind of life I want, honestly.. I'm torn. You are right when you say it's a fine line, I'm not sure if I try to act the way I do for me or for the sake of others. I think it's like this.. I myself like the image I've built, but the REASON I created it in the first place is because of insecurities and wanting to seem cool to other people.
However I might be wrong.. It's possible I'm judging whether I like this image or not through the lens of others, in which case it might not be what my true self would really want to be.
I guess I should just try out different activities and hobbies more, as part of the reason I don't is definitely due to thinking they are not "compatible" with my image. If I allow myself to enjoy something new, something that I thought wasn't "for me", is that being yourself? What if I end up liking something that I think is stupid/bad/lame/whatever? I don't really get it, is being yourself always accepting your innate likes and desires, or is it fine to try to change them if you logically think one of those likes is bad, as long as you do it only for yourself and not for others?
Thanks for the advice anon.
Whatever you do, do not be a people pleaser.
>>17314884
We see our personalities through reflections and judgements, seeing yourself more heavily in others isn't anything that's bad. It's human to care, otherwise you would just wear the same clothes for as long as possible.
But you do exist beyond my words being read in your mind. You exist on your own and to only attribute your continued existence to yourself and every decision you've made and will continue to make until the day you shall cease to live. And you would ultimately find that the people around you change, and if those things define yourself, you will find that you will always be the same and unable to mold yourself towards goals you might ultimately have further down the road.
>>17315543
>Whatever you do, do not be a people pleaser.
Not op, but I can't help but bend over backwards for others.
>can you do this for me anon?
>of course
>can we switch workdays anon?
>of course
>etc
I'm unable to say no.
>>17315574
Why don't you just say no?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AVic3RYcZkc
>>17315583
I can't handle other people being unhappy with me.
>>17315590
Maybe they can't handle you.
People will respect you if you take a stand for yourself.
You're not better than anyone but no one is better than you.
>>17315593
thanks but that didn't help
>>17315599
Nigger I just told you what to do.
>>17315574
>can you do me a favor? can you switch workdays?
>"No, I have something lined up. Sorry."
Done.
>>17315600
I already know I have to put my foot down sometimes, but knowing what I have to do and actually being able to do it are two different things.
>>17315607
If they want to use you as a doormat for covering their shifts or whatever, unless they do you a favor in return, this is not your problem. It is theirs.
>>17315574
Self fulfilling prophesy. It's difficult for you, so you tell yourself you can't. Which makes you believe it, but that's bullshit. You know how if someone tells you something every day, even if it's bullshit, you start to believe it? It works the other way, better even, if you start off telling yourself what you CAN do. Sounds stupid, but look in the mirror every day, and tell yourself you can stand up for yourself, you are strong, etc, etc, it works.
>>17315552
Interesting, haven't thought of it from that perspective. That does make sense, I was probably thinking in black-and-white terms again - I suppose it's fine to care what others think about you to an extent, as long as your whole life isn't governed by them.
>And you would ultimately find that the people around you change, and if those things define yourself, you will find that you will always be the same and unable to mold yourself towards goals you might ultimately have further down the road.
Not sure what you mean by this, isn't that a contradiction? If I care what people think, and people change, so why would I stay the same? Or do you mean that I won't be able to achieve my goals if I constantly keep changing who I want to be based on what people think?
In that case, I don't really think it's a problem for me as I don't constantly change who I want to be based on what others think. I already have a set image in mind that I want to maintain based on me imagining what I would consider cool if I were to meet a person with these values... or something. It's kind of hard to explain, but basically I put myself in the shoes of another person and imagine what they would think of myself from their perspective.
In short, I'm insecure and I want to be thought of as an interesting person by others. For this purpose I try to create a certain image of myself. However, I create this image based on what I would think a cool person would act like, not what society or someone else would consider cool (though there's probably a lot of overlap). Is this still "being yourself"?
Even if the above is fine, it's still hard to not be influenced heavily by others for me, I also do the same as >>17315574 sometimes. It's hard for me to say no because I feel like I'm being mean to others. I usually awkwardly decline and then feel guilty about it for days.
Bump before going to sleep
>>17314884
The thing is you can only be cool if you don't care too much about what other people think about you.
If you are always on edge and self-conscious about everything you do, then other people will notice, either actively or subconsciously.
And nervous people like that are always kind of tiring to be around. So if you want people to like you then that is exactly the wrong line of action.
You should read some literature about stoicism. Besides other things, you need to be aware of the fact that is pointless to worry about other people's perception of you. You only have power over your own actions and thoughts and not over how other people perceive you.
>>17316218
Isn't that a catch-22, then? If I want to appear cool to people, I'll be self-conscious about it and thus, won't appear cool. If I don't care about what others think, I'll seem cool, but it will have been pointless because I don't care in the first place.
Can you suggest any books on stoicism?
>>17317256
Yeah, part of being cool is not caring about being cool. It's kind of a self defeating concept. When you get there, then you don't care about it anymore.
But there comes a great sensation of tranquility with it, both in social situations and other parts of life. That should be your goal rather than achieving the status of being considered cool by other people.
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius is probably the classic literature about stoicism. But the ideas are rather simple and seemingly obvious once you hear them, you could probably watch people explain them on youtube and get the basic tenants already, the literature will just help you apply them. Most social anxieties and insecurities stem from people trying very hard to change things that they have no actual influence over.
>>17317339
To add to this:
The past is over. You cannot change the past and being insecure about your past actions accomplishes nothing. You are at your current state in life and nothing you could do can change the past.
You should concentrate all of your resources on doing things better in the now and the future. The only purpose of painful memories should be helping you to do things better the next time, don't waste any negative emotions on it.
You only have power over your own actions and all of your feelings come from within you. If someone doesn't like you, think if you can do anything about it. If you can't right now then don't waste negative emotions on it, it is beyond your power and you have done everything you could. It is pointless to feel bad about it.
When you are in a bad situation, think about what you can actually do to change it. If you can't change it right now, then don't waste negative emotions on it. If you are late to a meeting, be aware that you can do nothing to be not late. There is no point in having negative emotions about it.
And lastly get straight about your priorities. Your most important priority should be getting food, heat and shelter. Everything beyond that is just a bonus and you shouldn't get crazy over it. If you lose a job, that's not the end of the world. You are not your job and you are not your achievements and you are not the things you own. All of these things are bonuses.
>>17317339
Huh.. I guess that's true, I'm an anxious wreck, so it would be nice to have some tranquility, especially in social situations.
Thanks for the recommendation. I'll check out some YouTube videos on stoicism too, I guess.
>>17317398
Yep, this is basically how I try to think already. My default mode is still to dwell on the past and other things I have no control over though, and I have to consciously force myself to think about what I CAN do instead, every time.
But even then, I still can't forget some awkward moment that happened weeks ago and keep remembering about it, even I know it's pointless and the person involved probably doesn't even remember about it anymore. I still have that tight feeling in my chest even if I try to not think about it.
Does this eventually go away if you keep "overriding" your thoughts every time? Can you "rewire" your brain so that the default response is to focus on things you can influence, rather than ones you can't control? Or is this something you have to fight every time?
>>17317587
OP, do you really want to be jaded?
When I was 10, I was attacked by a group of 8 or so adults, 50 feet away from my school. I got suspended for a week. The police didn't do anything because they had submitted a report against me.
For a long time, I let myself believe that happened because I was a bad person, but somewhere and somehow I deserved it.
I no longer blame myself for what happened, but when I think of it, it still makes me burn with anger, and that was over 10 years ago.
All of the emotions you've ever felt make up a part of who you are today, do you really want to stop feeling those things? Do you really want to stop being you? There are some feelings you might never shake. There are some feelings you will learn to smile through.
And sometimes to get the best perspective, you must for a little while, stop being you. It took that for me to look back and see that there was nothing I could've done to deserve what I got. Sometimes you have to look at it through someone else's eyes to understand, that was just a cute quirk. That was just a silly mistake. That was just a hiccup.
The people that are really 'cool', the ones that don't care what happens anymore, are that way because they've seen it before. It's not being cool. It's being experienced. Sometimes, you don't want those experiences.
>>17317622
I don't know.. I don't want to stop feeling all emotions or anything, but I'd definitely rather not feel some. I don't want to dwell about how I could have made that one conversation I had two years ago less awkward if I said something other than I did.
>All of the emotions you've ever felt make up a part of who you are today
Yes, but does that mean I should just submit to my emotions and let them control me? I don't think that's a good thing to do. Shouldn't I try to consciously choose which things I like about myself and which I don't, and try to better myself by fixing the things I don't like?
I never meant that I wanted to completely get rid of all emotions and just be a robot, sorry if it sounded like I did. I'm still a really emotional person, I just don't want my life to totally be dominated by whatever evolutionary-benefitting emotion I'm feeling.
>And sometimes to get the best perspective, you must for a little while, stop being you
This does make sense, I guess. Hard to see who you are from your own perspective. But I'm pretty scared of changing who I am for some reason. I guess it's like that with everything for me, I'm afraid of change and like to stay in the comfort zone. No wonder I'm so inexperienced.
Maybe some of those experiences weren't pleasant, but if someone grows as a person from them, I think they'd be grateful they went through those things. I am, however, an extremely inexperienced and weak person, and I feel insecure about that.
B-Bump
>>17317698
I wrote my last reply to you here >>17317622 but it got quite late and I needed some sleep.
> but I'd definitely rather not feel some
Why? Those emotions are the ones that give you the bravery to change. If you never felt a little embarrassed or ashamed, would you ever grow?
>Yes, but does that mean I should just submit to my emotions and let them control me?
Yeah, you should. You'll feel them until you don't need to anymore. Just work through them step by step. Talk to the people you love, laugh about that silly thing you did a few years ago, say sorry, do whatever you have to just to get through that. You'll find those events no longer have control over you.
>I just don't want my life to totally be dominated by whatever evolutionary-benefitting emotion I'm feeling.
This statement makes me grit my teeth a little, who said emotions need to make you more valuable? Emotions are value."It's not valuable for me to be a little embarrassed!", but it is, it's so valuable, it makes you human. It's those experiences you can bond with other people about.
>I am, however, an extremely inexperienced and weak person, and I feel insecure about that.
Aren't we all? Just when we think we're on the precipice of our apex, we are daunted by the sky above us and note the ground isn't as high as it could be. We are all by virtue inexperienced.
OP, you have been so overexposed by the success driven minds of the modern day that you're forgetting to just be you. Fuck what value things have, just enjoy being yourself. Enjoy the quirky person you were that goofed however long ago. Enjoy waking up in your bed. You don't always have to be happy about it, but enjoy it by not wishing it away.
>>17317622
>>17317698
>stoicism means you become a robot
There is no way to stop feeling emotional about your past actions and experiences. You can't become a robot even if you try.
The difference is that you don't dwell on those negative emotions. You look at the past rationally to learn from it instead of trapping yourself in endless loops of self-pity, hatred or shame.
If someone tells you that you should let hatred consume you, then he is giving you bad advice.
You become a danger to yourself and your surroundings. Your mind should have control over your body. Don't become a slave to your emotions.
You decide how much power you give to those negative memories.
That doesn't mean you should suppress bad memories, but you should see them as what they are. You can't change them so don't work yourself up over them. You only have so much power to change things, changing the past is outside of your power.
Spend your power on things that you can actually change.
