I've got a girlfriend for four years. At first I really fell for her because she was perfect wife material, but over the years she changed. Our relationship is still very good, she's extremely loving and caring, but it's more like being very close friends and not gf/bf.
She became much more emotionally unstable, more clingy, sweeps a lot of things under the rug, and complains a lot. She also became very passive and lazy in bed, she expects me to do everything but then complains if I don't want to have nearly as much sex as berfore. I'm just not attracted to her as I used to, but I don't want to tell her this, because I know it would crush her.
She has gone through a depressive term for almost two years. At first she tried therapy and drugs, but she just doesn't want to do them anymore. She is completely absorbed in her depressive little world and has really nothing in her life than me. I really don't want to break up with her because I feel sorry for her and want to help, but I feel like I have exhausted my options and her behavior makes it very hard for me to keep the relationship together. If I try to talk about this with her, she tries to change things, but it's very forced, and it makes me feel awful seeing her like this. Should I end it or try to keeping to make it work?
>>17294994
Hey anon, i struggle with almost the same situation.
I am 3 years in and married to her, she also changed and took the attitude you described.
I tried to talk to her about it and always try to figure out something but i run against a concrete wall. My arguments get opposed with emotional tantrums.
My wife is really frustrated all the time, at the most delusional things, she doesn't take drugs but spends her whole freetime on her phone these days.
First of all, feeling sorry is not a reason to stay with her, in my case i love her still.
Mine tries to make changes too, but she doesn't try very hard at all, and she acts like every single thing that she does different changes everything and then flings back to her frustrated self letting her mood out on me.
Sorry i could not provide you with any help, i just feel the same way.
Whilst you can still see yourselves getting through it dont give up prematurely as you may regret it, having said that eventually you may get to the point where nothing but the shock of a break up can bring the both of you back to normality and that general feeling of happiness/content returns your day to day life. Its hard to see the future but you need to bear in mind that a huge amount of people get stuck in a situation like your gf and find that although it seems cruel at the time in 10 years she will see it as a life changing moment for the better and you yourself will realise how unhappy you are.
Trust me you may think you are okay but being in a situation where you feel forced to have sex with someone you dont want to due to contempt will be seriously affecting your mood and wellbeing
>>17295051
My problem is that she really isn't taking her frustration out on me. She's really loving and caring. It's just that her life is empty, she got extremely clingy, passive, and wants literally everything from me. She wants to live in a perfect fantasy world to escape her depression, at least that's what it seems to me.
>>17294994
As a depressed guy, I would suggest you to leave her. Depressed people generally have much deeper issues than those you can "talk over" with her. While you certainly can stay and be supportive to her - that is in fact all you can do. You cannot magically make a depressed person undepressed, and pushing it further just makes them feel guilty for being depressed, which in turn makes me even more depressed.
So there are two choices you can make to get a good outcome:
1) leave her completely
2) stay with her and be completely supportive, regardless of any other parameters - be there for her no matter what she does.
It's up to you to estimate is your girlfriend worth of the second option. If she is, she will be very grateful for your support when she eventually get better.
You have to leave her, you enable her depression by being with her. If you still love her, watch her closely and make sure she doesn't harm herself or anything etc... But let her mostly tackle it alone.
>>17295082
>you enable her depression by being with her
He doesn't 'enable' anything, imo, she's not a drug addict, she is mentally ill person. She will be depressed regardless of if he's with her or not. His support may or may not help her get over her issues.
That being said, losing people because of depression can be a motivation for some, it might make them realize that things are falling apart and that they HAVE to do something - but it might make situation even worse for others. For me, losing people I really loved because I was depressed made me more careful with talking about it, I learned to hide it much better, but I still feel as bad as before, if not even worse.
>>17295073
If she doesn't want help, then I agree with this anon.
I was depressed when I met my current gf. I fell completely head over heels for her, and within a year my depression was starting to get in the road (at this point I was unaware I was depressed.)
Once I found out I was determined to get better. So meds and therapy for the better part of a year worked wonders and I am still with her, and we are approaching our 9 year anniversary.
If she is not willing to get better for herself or for you, then you have some problems.
>>17294994
>I'm just not attracted to her as I used to, but I don't want to tell her this, because I know it would crush her.
Its still the truth though. What do you stand to gain if she finds out later rather than now that that has been the case ?
>If I try to talk about this with her, she tries to change things, but it's very forced, and it makes me feel awful seeing her like this.
Confront her. She is purposely trying to not talk to you about it. Make it clear that you love her and want to keep this going, but that you struggle with exactly this.
In a relationship conversation is the most important factor of success - if you cant talk about something, something is already going horrbily wrong. Sweeping this under the rug will only prolong this unhealthy behaviour.
Talk to her.
go now.
she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her or she will go get help. SSRI's and speech therapy help. but only if you let them,. if you fight it becuase you actually like being "dark, edgy and a victime", then you will stop the treatment over and over again and sabotage it. she does exactly that. she likes to wallow in her "pain". you don't need that. maybe if you go it will wake her up and showe her that it IS a problem after all.
>>17295186
>>17295164
>>17295179
The thing is, when I talk to her, she tries to fake being better, but it's obvious she's not, and she's content with the situation. She just does it to please me. I don't know. I don't want to leave her, but the relationship like this feels empty, and I don't want to marry a girl who can't satisfy me in any basic way
>>17294994
The decision you need to make is are you going to marry this girl or not. 4 years is plenty of time to know. If she is wife material and you make a commitment you stick with the partnership through thick and thin absent her abusing you, you abusing her or cheating. If you don't want to put a ring on her finger then work on your exit strategy and get out the sooner the better.
What you fail to consider is you are not the same guy you were 4 years ago and she knows that too.
>>17295527
I wanted to marry her, but I don't know now. I don't want to marry her like this.
I may be not the same, but I don't feel too different.
>>17295534
Try pulling her out of her routine. Force her into social situations. Ignore her complaints and feelings. Sometimes you just need a push.
