what's the most Larry David-esque situation that ever happened to you ?
>go to bar
>ask for a drink
>argue with the bartender for 10 minutes whether water is a drink or not
>sad trumpet starts playing
some black guys were following me at the mall, harassing me and telling me i was dressed like an old man (i dress somewhat similar to larry david, v neck with suit jacket and jeans with white sneakers, functional and decent looking clothes).
they actually grabbed my arm firmly and made me stop walking so they could take a photo.
looking back i probably should have called the cops and had them arrested for assault.
>>71303116
> looking back i probably should have pulled out my .44 magnum and blown their heads clean off.
>>71302380
Pretty much anytime I go outside.
>Attend artist alley at ComicCon for the first time
>A shitton of problems beforehand
>No pass for my friend, co-creator and writer
>Literally no information
>We e-mail Gary (our contact) a shitton of mails
>Noanswers.jpg
Fucking Gary
>Call the HQ several times
>Always the same answer
>Gary is not here at the moment, he will call you back
>Not happening
Fucking Gary
>Finally get short mail from Gary, saying everything is okay, we can get everything when we check in
>First day on the ComicCon
>My friends name is not on the list
>We don't have a table
>No problem sir, Gary will be here in a minute
>My friend and I are riffing on Motherfucking Gary
>Probably a Dudebro
>Popped-up collars
>Iced hair
>The hate was real
>Hear that Gary is coming through the door
>It's a dwarf in a wheelchair with brittlebone disease
Not me but when I was a baby I got a fever or stn and they took me to the doctor, my mom was all worried and shit and I guess my dad was really tired and like "He's gonna be fine, he's not like a midget or anything."
Camera pan two seats over to a very angry looking midget.
>>71303116
>>71303288
From Larry David to Falling Down in .44 seconds
>>71303527
>Camera pan two seats over
what
how is that possible IRL
>>71302380
>see someone I barely know through a few friends passing by in the street
>Give the nod of recognition as we pass
>didn't see the need nor have the time for a stop and chat
>find out later from the same mutual friends that the faggot took it as a sign of disrespect
What the fuck is actually wrong with people and their delicate sensibilities? This isn't even an isolated incident for me. Even normies are touchy autists these days mang
>at a bar with friends in a writing group of mine
>discussing favorite comedy movies
>someone mentions Blazing Saddles
>I quote the scene where the old woman says "Up yours nigger" and then later gives him a pie and says "Sorry about the up yours nigger"
>everyone is quiet and staring at me as I have said "nigger" twice in public
>"What? I didn't write it, Richard Pryor did"
>silence
>topic awkwardly changes
>>71303526
My sides
>>71303824
not that im against you in that situation but how did that scene even comes up
seems hard to naturally bring it up in conversation
>Having drinks with friends.
>Everyone's telling edgy 'dead baby jokes' abd getting on my nerves.
>Decide to destroy everyone with the edgiest joke I know.
>'What's balck and eats pussy? Cervical Cancer.'
>One of the girls lets out a little whimper of shock.
>Her mom was a cervical cancer survivor.
>>71303526
kek
>>71303873
I would say 'up yours nigger' is a valid form of an answer in that case. I would've probably done the same thing in Anons place
>>71303824
of all the scenes you choose that one, good going you stupid bald fuck!
>>71303824
I get that the whole point of that movie is picking apart race relations and whatnot, but that still seems like bad form.
>>71302380
this indian lady came up to my house to sell us avon makeup magazines
i thought she was shilling her religion and avon was some hindu god because she had a dot on her head and she had a very thick indian accent
i told her my family was irish catholic and we werent interested in switching sides so i closed the door on her
>>71303799
I don't do stop-and-chats
>>71304090
That's fantastic. Keep being yourself.
>>71303526
pretttty pretttyyy good
>>71304192
kek
>>71303526
sides are in orbit
>>71302380
That same situation where Larry calls that effeminate guy a cunt when they're playing poker, change cunt to faggot and everything else pretty much went the same
>>71304204
Stop and chats are the worst.
Every time I've been trapped in one my mind wanders to this;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXj0nC1iRag
>cold day, go to cafe to warm up
>menu is on the counter, server asks what I'd like
>order without looking up
>say "Niggedly today, isn't it?"
>look up
>he's black
>>71304192
>told her my family was irish catholic and we werent interested in switching sides
kek, this is my response now, next time someone tries to soliciate me
>>71304671
who dat grill on the right of larry?
>>71304807
That's Adam Sandler
>>71304671
I had this kind of situation with a guy from highschool
i complimented his shoes and asked him what brand they were and he said he didn't know
how do you not even know the brand of your shoe, you never stopped to look at it, not even once
that and it killed the conversation
>>71304743
why would you ever say that in public to a stranger?
>>71304192
made me laugh a lot
>>71304895
>>>
> Anonymous 06/27/16(Mon)11:20:26 No.71304895▶
>>>71304743
>why would you ever say that in public to a stranger?
I thought I was a genius of the English language at the time and said stupid shit like that constantly.
in highschool senior year i finally got a girlfriend
i was in economics class and texting the whole time and the teacher called me out on it, she was this milf with big tits
"tom what are you doing are you texting"
"nope"
it was obvious but i just denied it to the end and brought great shame on the whole class
>>71304933
Sup Cliff Clavin.
>>71304807
Kate Mckinnon is on Larry's left.
>>71304852
This guy's right.
>>71304852
>yfw Sadaam Antler is Adam Sandler backwards
Was at a concert with my stepsister. Her grandma was in the hospital. Her phone died and I was the one who got the bad news she died.Waited until after the concert to tell her the bad news.Everyone asks what took us so long to get home. I become the bad guy. I am confused on what is so horrible about not going home immediately. Like why not go through the whole concert and enjoy yourself? She's not going to be any less dead in an hour
>>71305108
I have the same mindset Anon. Sadly people don't often recognize that kind of thinking
>>71304338
>>71304919
>>71304783
thank you i have another one
i was 18 and i stopped by teavana and it all smelled really nice so i decided to get some dank tea, some cinnamon and ginseng combo anyway the clerk asked me how much and i said "about a pound i guess" and then she asked if i wanted a carrier thing and i said yes and she rings it up to $80 fucking dollars and my face went completely white
i didn't have the nerve to tell her to stop so i just fucking blew eighty bucks on fucking tea
>>71302544
Water is clearly a drink you sad cunt.
>be 16 just got drivers license
>let my friend drive my car for 10 mins
>he runs over some fucking machine in his garage and halfway tears the bumper off
>no visible damage. we are able to reattach it
>two weeks later, driving my mom to grocery store
>accidentally graze over one of those concrete parking blocks and unhinge my bumper again
>mom: ANON WTF
>wait no mom my friend is actually the one who tore it off
>ANON I TOLD YOU NOT TO LET ANYONE ELSE DRIVE THIS CAR
>had to take money out of my college fund to repair it
>sad trumpets
>In line at concession stand at movie theater
>It's finally my turn to order
>Cashier looks at the guy behind me and asks him "What would you like, sir."
>"Excuse me, but I'm next in line."
>Worker still looking at the guy behind me. >And, what can I get you sir?
>Start to get pissed.
>"Yo! I'm next and I'll take a medium coke!"
>Worker gets my coke and starts to ring me up.
>He looks up and I realize he has a lazy eye and was looking at me the whole time.
>Realize my mistake. And start bursting out laughing.
>I'm laughing more at myself, but the guy knows exactly what happened and I can tell he's stewing in rage.
>Pay and grab my coke. Can't stop laughing at myself, but I'm laughing in the poor guy's face.
>Walk away with a huge grin on my face past an entire line of people who all think I'm laughing at this minimum wage worker's disability
>girlfriend's brother is graduating from college
>invited to the ceremony, have a baseball game planned that day with a few friends
>tell her I'm not going to the graduation, it says it takes four hours and its not like he'll even know I'm there, there are like six thousand people in the stands
>she gets mad and tells me to do whatever I want
>go to the baseball game
>meet up with her family for a graduation dinner
>walk in, greeted with complete silence
>mom says "oh, so you'll show up for a free dinner but not to see __________ graduate?"
>try to make a joke that falls completely flat
>awkwardly pick at my food for an hour, girlfriend won't let me leave
>try to justify my position, she shuts me down completely and tells me she's not talking to me for a few days
>go home and jerk off
That last part is my twist on a Larry David situation
I'm from Germany, so there aren't a lot of black people around. Grew up in a white-ish community with some occasional muslims. Very sheltered and was a huge nerd for the most of my childhood. Never done drugs, etc. Went on 4Chan early on, read often that black people 'smell funny'. Moved with my parents to a bigger city. Took the train more often as a result. Saw some black people in the train then. They do smell funny though.
Fast forward a few years. Living on my own, studying. Hanging around friends that do drugs. Offer me weed.
...
Oh my god, it smells like black people.
>>71305510
I have a lazy eye. Shit sucks
this thread is pretty pretty pretty pretty good
thanks for the laughs anons
>go to store for beer
>cashier recognizes me and strikes up a conversation
>suddenly Mexican guy behind me says something in Spanish
>look back and nod
>cashier says he's asking where I got my boots from
>spend like two minutes wondering where I bought them from
>end up telling him a whole fucking city is where I got them from
>grab my shit and leave because I realize I'm holding up the line and being awkward
>a minute after leaving I remember what store it was
>rush back in, see Mexican paying for his shit
>blurt out a little too loudly "FOOTLOCKER! It-it was Footlocker, can you tell him it was Footlocker?" to the cashier
>everyone behind him is smirking at me because I look and sound like a spergburger, Mexican nods appreciatively
>go home and get drunk alone
>>71305338
holy shit lmao
>>71304090
kek i heard the curb your enthusiasm theme when i read this
I wonder if Larry David is browsing right now and writing down this stuff for future episodes.
>freshman year of high school
>make friends with a hulking football player senior
>go to biology
>senior walks by classroom and sees me
>proceeds to walk into class to do a fistbump with me
>teacher sees him
>GET OUT NOW
>he continues with the fistbump and jets
>everyone in class is staring at me
>ANON YOU DO NOT ENCOURAGE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASSROOM
>"I didn't"
>get detention
>>71305911
I wouldn't mind desu senpai.
On vaycay at the coast in WA. Took around 100-150mg thc edibles by noon. We need cigs, beer, gas and papers and have never been in this area.
We park at the gas station to get gas, wave at the cashier inside, drive off.
Forgot we needed cigers. The significant other goes in for some Camels. He comes back saying he had the wierdest moment talking to the cashier.
"How's it going man?..." Cashier says nothing. "You have any grinders?" "Uhhh... Sure." "How much is the G-Pen?" The cashier asks why. He just buys cigs in an awkward transaction and gets to the car. It was so awkward he forgot papers, beer.
I don't realize our needs until we are back at camp.
Add another 30 min in driving high af.
On our other two trips I made direct eye contact from outside the store.
I walk to the corner of the building and the cashier is smoking a cig, and asks, with paranoia "back again?"
"Yeah, forgot something." I said smiling. The cashier looked freaked out. I have no idea why.
I get the Red stripe. So high I can't immediately remember how to use a credit card. Cashier points to reader. "Thanks, man." Then I say my general "thanks, have a great night" shit. Dude looks confused.
Get to the car, set down the beer, drive to camp.
Nothing to smoke more weed with.
Get back in car, drive to the station.
I get out, walk immediately to counter. I look all around the dude. "You got any papers back there man?"
He looks around, side to side, "Uh, yeah.............."
"Well, where are they?"
He points to his left, I can't see any displays.
"Could I get one please?" C'mon man, you know what I want, dammit.
"Um... Which kind?"
"The orange ones"
He looks around. "Um?"
"One and a quater." I obviously can't see the damn display. I don't want to go to the side of the counter to look in fear of freaking this guy out more.
He finally hands me Zig Zags.
I can't remember how the reader works.
>>71304807
Kate McKinnon.
Lesbian on snl. One if not the funniest on snl right now.
>>71303799
Giving a nod is considered to be generally the lowest form of acknowledgement. A simple "hi" or "hey" would've been much better. Even the wave of a hand.
>>71306140
>One if not the funniest on snl right now.
That's like being the most edible piece of feces in a litter box.
>>71306140
>One if not the funniest on snl right now.
Kate is fucking awful.
>>71303824
I didn't know Pryor wrote in that film.
>complain to gf for months that the condoms I use are too snug/make me "lose it"
>we research condoms and find one that has more girth
>at Target in condoms aisle with her
>See the exact condoms we need
>3 condoms for $10???? I exclaim to her
>We talk for a minute in the aisle, dont remember about what
>half black guy walks in aisle awkwardly, probably overheard our whole convo
>takes the exact pack of condoms that I needed
>Gf says we'll come back to get them
>trumpets
In an alternate scenario I was thinking about asking the guy how effective those condoms were. Ehhhhh so those condoms good huh? Not too tight around? Nobody likes suffocation on there.
Also
>gf breaks up with me before we can even try the condoms.
>trumpets
>>71306230
>tripfags in charge of not being retarded
>>71303116
>i dress somewhat similar to larry david, v neck with suit jacket and jeans with white sneakers, functional and decent looking clothes).
HAHAHAHAHAHA
>>71306329
>being offended you're autistic
Okay, whatever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGnUGFwraL0
>>71303116
>>71306359
Reminds me of this
Its too cringey for me to even type it up.
>>71306244
>le epic eating shit analogy
you are not clever and you need to go back
>>71303116
>v necks
Don't do that
Larry has quite a few nice fits on the show, the trousers + classic sneakers combo is p effay but v necks are fucking trash
>>71306687
I found an ugly grey baseball hat that just says florida on it
it feels like such a larry hat. I want to wear it and mope around.
Three short ones
>be in a country where people thank bus drivers when they get off
>get the bus every day for uni
>one of these times I mix up my words and say 'GOODBYE' obnoxiously loudly as I leave the bus
>hold up the people behind me for five seconds as I realise what I've done and then leave with a huge grin on my face from how much of an idiot I am
>hanging around in secondary school on the first day of terminal exams
>everyone's going around chatting to others, reassuring each other
>one black guy in my year comes up to say hi
>think it'd be a good idea to reply with '`sup my nigga'
>instead just blurt out 'nigger', straight to his face with o hint of shame
>suppressed the rest and can't remember what happened after
>joking around in a group which includes people I don't really now
>one girl says something that strikes me as really strange
>tell her 'cool it with the daddy issues' as jokingly as possible
>everyone turns to me with hateful stares
>get told quietly later that her dad died recently
>>71305510
kek
>Realize my mistake. And start bursting out laughing
Whenever I'm on public transport my mind wanders and starts imagining all of the ways I could inadvertently embarrass myself in front of strangers, and I get this wide smile probably unnerving everyone nearby
>>71302380
>at the cinema
>the movie ends
>I turn to a friend and say that movie was boring - interstellar
>the guy behind us got mad and said to his friends he is waiting outside
>in high school
>question on the paper asked that an Islamic head scale is called
>I accidently wrote headjob instead of hejab
>try and use my skills to scribble it out and correct it
Next day
>teacher: alright, who wrote headjob?
>slouch in my chair
>go to drive through
>pull up to window
>black guy hands me my food
>"Hey man, that car is clean!"
>"Actually I haven't washed it in almost a month."
>guy is holding back a smile for a coulle seconds
>"I mean it's cool."
>"O-oh."
>drive off more aware of my whiteness
>sick
>eat 3 packets of ramen noodles after not eating for 2 days
>immediately have to shit
>taking shit
>shit feels stringy like noodles are coming out of my ass
>think of noodles pouring out of asshole covered in shit and clinging to my hole
>have to throw up
>puke inbetween dick and shitter
>dick covered in puke
>Jew Music
I've been in a lot of situations that are misunderstandings, but most of the time they just end with hurt feelings instead of that pleasant theme music.
>be in high school
>break and i am with my freinds, my crush and her best freind
>everybody tells edgy jokes
>i decide to tell some edgy holocaust and jew jokes
>everybody laughs except my crush anf her freind
>turns out my crush is jewish
>>71302380
>be me
>drive a miata
>friend asks why I drive such a tiny car (I'm 6'1")
>tell her it's "reverse compensation"
>"ah...aha."
>conversation ends
>be trans
>be in the military
>>71309160
that's actually funny
Reminder that Larry David's wife divorced him and took $400 million, citing Curb as evidence as to how difficult it was to live with him, justifying a 50/50 split in assets.
She's also an environmentalist that flys her private jet with a leather interior from NYC to LA every other week.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laurie_David
>>71309160
kek
>>71304671
just be like
>ahahah "insertnamehere" didn't see ya for long
>how are you doing ?
>ahah great i'm fine
>sorry i have to go ,see ya later man
see not fucking hard
>used to work in an autobody shop in a small texas town during college
>really big A&M town
>some black family pulls up with a few issues with their car
>small repairs, nothing major
>making small talk with them while checking out the damage
>the father has a UT shirt on
>I'm wearing an A&M shirt
>decide to make a joke to break the ice
>look at his shirt and say "we don't serve your kind around here"
>boss had to explain to him that I'm autistic and I was talking about his shirt and not his race
>>71304743
*Niggardly* means stingy you dumb shit
>>71309406
Still completely unnecessary.
>>71303526
That wasn't Gary bro that was just the Gary they send out when they've fucked up.
>>71309519
yup but at least that not uncomfortable
i just ignore them anyways most of the time
>>71309475
11/10
>>71309475
hahah you dumbshit
I am in fact an incest surviver and was touched by my uncle (uniorinically).
SNL hasnt been funny in 35 years sorry if I triggered you.
>>71309475
nice
>always do fucking edgy jokes with groups of friends
>go to a party at said friends but i don't know most people
>really fucking hungry
>last slice of pizza
>scream to my buddy "hey nigger don't jew all the pizza"
>he smile at me awkwardly
>eat pizza and go home
>Me and my friend who sits in front of me in class decide to cheat on a quiz by writing the answers on our desk
> I remember to erase it but my friend doesn't
> hear someone got caught cheating by writing stuff on the desk
>not sure if i erased it i ask my where the cheater sat
>Describes where i sit
> Go to the teacher to apologize and confess to cheating and get ahead of this
>He has no idea what im talking about
> pla it off as a joke and walk away
>whew that was close
>>71306008
>driving while high
larry david wouldn't be that stupid
>>71310544
There is no difference. It's pretty much the same driving while high on weed or coke.
>in car with friend and his mum
>radio station she is listening to has dedicated an entire show (4 hours) of calls from the public because some B list singer has been diagnosed with cancer
>blurt out in passing "what a stupid idea for a show"
>friends mum asks me why, obviously super irritated that i said it
>i say that's a stupid idea for a show because it implies that her cancer diagnosis is more important than anyone elses and is insulting to people who have to suffer without recognition
>she says that it's a nice thing to do
>i retort by saying that if you are so vain that you need the will of the people who essentially pay your wage to also want you alive to continue paying your wage, you're an asshole
>she scoffs and doesn't say another word
>tells my parents i called a cancer victim an asshole
I often pull people up on trivial nonsense that people tend not to question.
>In supermarket buying vodka
>"Ok sir, I'll need to see some ID"
>Search for a while
>I don't have it
>"Come on now I'm 25. We both know I'm over eighteen. Just give me the vodka and I'll be out of here"
>"I can't sell it you without ID"
>Disgruntled, I search some more and find it
>"Alright, I'll need to see his too"
>Indicates my brother
>"Why's that?"
>"You're clearly with him."
>"He's nothing to do with me. It's my vodka, and I'm going to drink it on my own"
>"You came in together, so I need to see his ID as well"
>I look around and point to some random woman
>"She's also not going to be drinking any. Why don't you ID her? I might know her. Better be sure."
>A queue behind me is growing. People are getting annoyed
>She has another look at my ID
>"This is expired, sir"
>"So what? Are you worried that after it expired I regressed in age?"
>She gives me a withering look
>Brother looks increasingly uncomfortable
>"...What? I'm not being unreasonable. She's the one being unreasonable"
>I am escorted out
>Jaunty Yiddish tune plays
>>71310742
> So what? Are you worried that after it expired I regressed in age?
Best fucking part.
>>71310742
>"So what? Are you worried that after it expired I regressed in age?"
that is some vintage larry right there
>>71304090
Cervical cancer SURVIVOR, what's the big deal?
>>71305510
>laughing at myself to someone with a disabilities face
fucking autist, how'd you even get past the no singles policy
>>71302380
One time when I was a teenager I was waiting in line in a McDonald's, (notice I said "in line" and not waiting "on line" like that faggot Larry,) and I reached into my pocket to take out my money. A minutes later the man behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said "I think you dropped something there." I looked down and saw my weed pipe lying on the floor of the McDonalds.
>*DOOOO DOO DOO DO DO DO DOOOOO*
I quickly picked it up and put it in my pocket and said thanks to the man and he just smiled and said no problem.
>start new advising job at college
>2 older ladies from 2 offices down introduce themselves to me
>can't remember their names whenever they say hi in the halls
>send series of emails to coworkers trying to figure out their names
>accidentally cc'd one of them
>she just comes into my office and says I could've just asked
>at a party with friends
>we all really hate my friend's ex (who isnt there), she's super annoying, mean, and just a terrible person
>friend starts talking about how awful sex was
>gets a little darker, says she used to cry during sex a lot
>eventually tells us she was raped repeatedly when she was younger
>me: "she deserved it."
>everyone looks at me in horror, female friend gasps and covers her mouth
>mfw
>>71311559
That's not really a Larry David scene, just an asshole scene.
Pretty fucked up, bro.
>She deserved it
Perfect
>in high school, spend most afternoons smoking weed with friends
>generally anxious by nature, weed makes it a little worse
>sudden strong urge to piss, afraid I might piss my pants, basically couch locked
>stumble into bathroom, end up trickling a tiny stream
>go to flush, toilet clogs, overflows
>panic, sneak out the front door and dip
It was weird trying to explain why I disappeared a few days later, everything was cool we just ordered pizzas and chilled. Since then his dad would always joke about me clogging the toilet
>>71304743
>Niggedly today
What in the fuck oh my kek.
>checking out at register
>cashier asks about my tshirt with a guitar on it
>asks if i own any guitars
>lie and say yes to seem cool
>he asks what kind
>panic sets in, i blurt out "stratosphere"
>"...a what?"
>"uh.. a stratosphere..."
>"a what?"
>"a stratosphere"
>he awkwardly bags the rest of my shit in silence.
>>71305108
You sound like you have autism
But I think you did the right thing.
T. Also autism
>>71312027
>i blurt out "stratosphere"
bruhhh
I hate being caught in stupid ass white lies, let's just keep small talk to small talk I'm not trying to have a human connection with my cashier fuuuck
>>71303116
Why do you make shit up, though?
>>71302380
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_1FbjuJp4E
literally happened to me at a whole foods
>be at work
>lot of black people work with me
>3 of us take a break
>the 2 of them are comparing their skin tones
>girl says no I think im like a chocolate black and you are more of a coffee black
>guy disagrees on the analogy but agrees he's slightly darker
>im just standing there
>they both look up at me and stare at me saying nothing
>"im white"
>they laugh
>the guy later makes fun of me for being white
>so i mention im from detroit
>I lived in the rich white part for 6 months
>guy legitimately thinks im from 8 mile
>he and i plan on hanging out over the weekend going to the bar
>he didn't tell me that he decided to earn some money and go up from Florida to Detroit and expected me to be his guide
>he forced me on a road trip saying it was rude to not help him out
>he took me on a drug run across the country
>come back the next day
>WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN ANON!
>girlfriend goes suzy on me
>explain what happened
>WHY DID YOU OFFER TO SHOW HIM DETROIT
>i didn't
>CLEARLY HE THOUGHT YOU OFFERED SINCE HE FUCKING DID THAT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
>thought I became a drug trafficker and left a month
>>71310201
I have friends like you.
It's just awkward desu
>>71312576
>left a month later
FTFM
>plan trip with girlfriend
>want to go on trip to the carribean
>feel woozy one morning
>she says she doesn't want me to go on a trip if I'm sick
>tell her I'm not sick
>she trusts me for now
>at petco
>walk in and see cart with no one near it, completely empty
>take it
>lady comes up and says how rude it is to take someone's thing
>say it was empty
>she gets pissed and says it was hers technically even thought there were no items in it
>get my goldfish food, lady gives me the stinkeye the whole time
>she reports me to the manager and manager tells me to give the cart back when I'm at the register
>what the fuck
>tell her i don't need it anymore so I don't care
>manager tells me to calm down
>not even yelling
>get kicked out of petco and told not to come back
>run out of goldfish food and try feeding him other kinds of food while i look up other pet stores
>goldfish dies from choking on a chunk of lettuce
>flush fish down the toilet
>goldfish is fat so it clogs toilet
>toilet water and dead goldfish guts start overflowing out of toilet
>desperately try to clean up
>girlfriend comes home and sees what appears to be me on my knees cleaning up puke off the floor
>she says she's not going with me if I'm sick
>go to carribean by myself
>we break up later because i killed her goldfish
>mfw
>freshman year of highschool
>late April, nice outside
>smoke weed with my friends outside before school
>after we're done I remember I have theater first period
>school under renovation so they have these long trailers in the parking lot with a few classrooms inside
>theater class is in one
>get to class
>We're doing skits today
>Feelinghighman.jpeg
>Get randomly paired with someone for something simple
>walk over to a chair in front of everyone
>ramble about what it's like to not see your father that much
>Applauded
>teacher uses me as an example
>talks about how it what I did perfectly fit the 'theme' she gave me and this girl
>be a young toddler walking through the park with parents
>baby bird falls out of its nest
>thought it was a bug or something, I guess. I have no memory of this
>jump up and stomp it into the sidewalk
>family of Asian tourists are absolutely horrified
>>71304859
Reminds me of this David Cross joke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlwEuTDtEmA
>>71304671
>Just stop and chats
I want every conversation I have ever been involved with in my life to be over within a minutes time.
>>71303116
>v-necks
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-WESihjOvY
>>71304671
>>71306248
>sophomore in high school
>in the lunch room before school starts
>kid comes and sits at the table
>had MRI scans
>says he was diagnosed with MS
>he explains how the disease works
>I say "So it'll just eat away at your nervous tissue until you die? That sucks."
>table is silent
>people still brought it up even after I graduated
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPrd8FoClAA
>>71312796
This one's a perfect example because the whole awkward situation turns out to be a leadup into following up on an awkward situation from earlier. I could practically hear the tuba at the end of your post.
>>71312576
Kek I can see this as an episode
>be white guy
>walking around town, want to get a haircut (have straight-ish hair, kinda wavy)
>see a hair place built into bottom of apartment building
>walk in
>staff and customers all black men, everyone seems to know each other, some people just hanging out and clearly not there for haircuts
>people give me side glances
>want to leave but already sat down, figure it'll look like I'm not comfortable with black people if I leave because I've already sat there for 10 minutes without being greeted
>finally someone says 'aight, come over here and sit down - what you want'
>'oh you know, shorter'
>'you want a fade?'
>don't know wtf is a fade but agree anyway after it becomes clear there are no scissors in this hair cutting establishment, only trimmers
>the 6'2 jacked black barber takes forty five minutes and seems visibly perplexed - he takes a bathroom break after 30 before resuming
>I sit in silence most of the time
>look almost bald and kinda like eminem
>he trims my beard around lips so they look more full, wonder if this is reason for full lips stereotype
>he finishes up
>t-thanks
>tip 30% because he took so long and had so much trouble with my hair
>never go back
This thread is golden, guys, keep them coming it'll be a hit on /r/4chan.
>>71302380
off the top of my head
>doing group work for some dumb assignment in college
>one bitch isnt doing her work, like at all
>she calls me and gives me the whole ":oh im so busy, Ill get my share done but I just have so much to do" bullshit
>tell her fine but please hurry
>hang up and start telling my roomate about her, what a useless sack of shit she is
>"is she hot at least"
>laugh and say fuck no
>look down at my phone and see its still on
>she doesnt ever talk to me again
>dont give a shit
>summer job when I was 16, worked at an ice cream place
>nothing but soccer moms and bratty kids being obnoxious and treating us like garbage all day
>one women comes in, she has to wait in line and is shaking her head the whole time, arms crossed
>get more angry each time I see it, by the time its her turn im putting on the most BS Cheshire cat smile and cocky fake customer service attittude
>ask her if I can get anything else, she says no and walks away
>keeps shaking her head as she walks, realize she has some kind of condition that makes her shake her head like that
>a few years later, I have a new job at a nursing home
>im basically just a short order cook, but the CNA's tell me and the other guys to fluff pillows, take dirty laundry, give out pills and basically do their jobs
>complain to my friend about how theyre all useless med school drop outs and professional ass wipers
>"yeah...you know my mom is a CNA right?"
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ag1o3koTLWM
>>71317872
I think you're just an asshole. Not funny at all.
t. LD
>coming out from a supermarket with a friend
>see some douche looking guy parking his El Camino on a handicap spot
>his window is open
>start ranting to my friend about people who misuse handicap spots
>the guy clearly hears it
>he opens the door
>gets his wheelchair out
>he has both of his legs amputated
>>71317872
fuck you jerk off
>>71316319
Lolllll
Talking with work colleague at dinner. Subject comes up over hot chicks at work. He brings up some girl that he says is super hot.
I disagree and say she has a lazy eye and looks all over the place. Say whenever I see her I laugh internally. He says he never noticed.
Next day work colleague introduces his wife to me.
She has a really bad lazy eye.
>>71311183
Haha that happened to me once but with a syringe
>>71313847
fucking brutal, young anon
>>71311267
do you fugg her?
>>71306293
He was supposed to be Bart but the studio said no due to his drug problem
>ITT: Pure fucking autism
>>71305673
lol
>>71318598
>>71318732
Larry David is an asshole, that's the joke
Have you guys seen his fucking show
>>71304090
What's wrong with that? That means she had the good cervical cancer
>>71308934
I'm not sure if you fully grasp the idea
When I get stuck in traffic I blast the Seinfeld theme
>>71309234
>citing Curb as evidence as to how difficult it was to live with him
In general that's tragic, but this detail is hilarious
>>71320308
its actually not the joke. the jokes are either him pointing out other peoples unreasonableness or people overreacting due to absurd circumstances. youre just an unfunny prick
>>71309234
really, they used the show as evidence that larry was difficult to live with? Literally everything cheryl did was irrational and selfish and she always took that shit out on larry. i always thought larry was exaggerating by making cheryl such a fucking cunt on the show but apparently it was true and shes so fucking self absorbed she doesnt have the self awareness to realize it
>>71304933
the word is niggardly and you didnt even use it correctly you stupid shit
>>71302380
>working at Blockbuster while in high school
>walking around the store on a busy Friday night asking people if they needed help finding anything
>walk up to a feminine looking man
>"Can I help you find anything, sir?"
>get a closer look at the person
>it's a butch looking dyke
>"I'm not a sir!"
>Don't even remember what I said back to her, think I just walked away
>>71321642
Had the word shitlord been invented at the time?
>>71318642
just watched the episode with the stuttering guy with the handicapped sticker
>Driving late at night with brother
>Tell him to pull over on the street cause I have to pee
>About to pee on the grass next to this car, can't see if anyone is inside cause it's too dark
>Suddenly hear "wassup man"
>Stand there confused, look at my brother who is a few feet away, look back at the car and just say "uhhhhhh" then pull my pants up and walk back to the car which is parked right behind them
>Can hear them laugh at me as I walk away
>Had to wait till I get home to pee
>work as a projectionnist
>when all the movies are playing, have some extra time to chill/talk with managers, watch t.v., play vidya in my projection booth
>one day talk with one of the managers whos a cool dude and good friends with me.
>Talking shit like we usually do and I eventually say "awwww your mom" One of the other projectionnist had been saying this for months and it kinda caught on with some of the staff.
>manager tells me that if I ever say that again, he was going to punch my face.
>Think nothing of it and carry conversation.
>next day, me and manager are alone, again talking about random shit, just outside of my projection booth.
>conversation leads me to say "awww your mom again to him"
>Looks me dead in the eye and says, "remember when I said i was going to punch you if you say that again anon?"
> jokingly say, "what is she dead or something"
> "yes she is"
> Nervously laugh. Take a sip of my slush i was holding in my hands, back away one feet, open the projection door booth behind me and leave.
EVERYBODY KNEW EXCEPT ME. NO ONE FUCKING TOLD ME
>friend and I are at the gas station
>he goes inside to pay while I'm standing outside his truck by the pump
>The pump across from us has a lime green, lowered El Camino at it
>I spend apparently a few too many seconds looking at it, the owner gets pissed off and asks what my problem is, and if I want to fight him
>Just as he is about to leave the lot, he roles down the window and says he'll remember my truck
>In a rushed, flustered, and completely innefective effort I try to explain how it's my friend's truck and to not seek it out in the future
>My friend comes outside just in time to see all this commotion going on, me spaghetti'ing at my hardest
I didn't even know what to tell him regarding how it started, I really did just look in the dude's general direction for a few seconds. Also I was a sophomore in HS, and was by no means intimidating in stature.
>>71321974
2006, so no.
>>71309519
The necessary component is recognizing each others' existence.
>>71302380
>Waiting behind two cars at gas station
>Both people finish pumping gas at same time
>Closer car pulls away first
>Decide to wait a few seconds for the second guy so I can pull all the way up.
>Minute later nothing, guy is still just sitting in his car
>Fuck this, pull up to the first pump
>Guy in front of me finally leaves just as I get out of my car
>Fat white guy in huge truck pulls up along side of me
>Yells at me calling me an asshole for not pulling up to the first pump
>All I can mutter is "but I tried" as he speeds away
How was Larry on SNL a while back anyway? Worth looking up and having a watch?
>highschool
>I wasn't a total robot and had some friends but barely talked to any girl
>one day in english class one of the more popular and pretty girls comes up to me and says "anon I had a dream about you!"
>I was so off balance that the only thing I could think to say in response was "was it a nightmare?"
>>71324576
it's great until the first musical performance
dont bother with the rest
My whole life is a Larry David situation.
>>71304945
lol
>Been having heart palpitations
>Have appointment to get a sonogram or some shit of my heart
>Long process of an older asian man running a probe over my naked upper body.
>The room has an office desk up front and a screening room is separated by a privacy curtain.
>The asian doctor says he's all done and leaves me behind to redress.
>I had some questions so I throw my shirt on and move the curtain and see him at the desk facing away from me.
>I start to ask him a question.
>He turns around
>It's a different asian doctor with the same hairstyle and clothing
>"I'm not your doctor"
>I can clearly see he assumes that I think he is because of his asian visage
>"I uh, sorry"
>Leave and never even got to ask my question
As soon as he did the slow 180 on his desk chair I heard the theme song.
>>71307540
>instead just blurt out 'nigger', straight to his face
lol holy shit
>on a plane
>dec 23 or some shit
>the flight attendants can't get the overhead to shut
>it's clearly busted
>people getting angry
>audibly yelling at the attendant
>he gets super flustered, probably feels like shit
>I feel bad for the guy
>tell bitchy 50-something across from me to stop complaining, we'll get there before the 25th
>she prattles off about not being able to see her grandchild who was just born on Christmas
>I'm sure this infant will definitely care
>my dad is a deployed military member
>say he's in the desert while she complains about a baby
>getting heated, people go slient to listen to us
>she pulls out a gov't employee card, claims she's served, like that magically means not seeing my dad is going to no longer matter
>I know those cards, she's just a contractor, she wasn't military
>bitch claimed to be have been active duty, lying through her teeth
>people on plane actually literally cheer for her, for "sticking it to me"
>tell her she's being ridiculous and put headphones in
>comparment guy finishes his job
>people sarcastically clap
>hating everyone but attendant
>plane lands
>getting off
>honest accident, step on bitchlady's ugly shoes getting off of plane
>visibly scrape the skin a bit
>cannot help but laugh as it happens
>"s-s, hahaha, sorry!"
>we stand next to each other at baggage claim for the next 30 mins while my family asks why I'm being so quiet
>wave goodbye to her
>shoots us all a dirty looK
>explain it all later
The end
I once closed an elevator door on a group of old ladies at an assisted living community.
i was with my grandma and we were only going down a half a floor (down a flight of stairs) and i didn't want to have her stand too long there (they were moving slow as fuck) and also . they told me to hold the door and i just ignored them
when we got out i heard them bewildered, talking about how rude i was. they were obviously upset.
i speedwalked past my grandma and family out the door and stood in the parking lot while my mom brought the van back
>>71325687
*and also i didn't want the elevator to be too crowded
>17, in my "hitler jokes" phase
>friend introduces me to her friend
>we start talking about stuff we like
>start to tell her that i like hitler jokes
>instead blurt out that i love hitler
>she's jewish
>>71325942
Who cares? I hate when people get offended over stuff that happened before they even existed and that they weren't affected by
>take a girl out on my first date ever a few days after graduating high school (typical aspie loser)
>driving out to the restaurant
>"so what made you want to take me out, anon?"
>"well, I didn't want to go through high school without going on a date, so I settled for you"
>she quiets up
>dinner is quiet
>when I drop her off she stays quiet
>don't even know what happened until a friend called me and asked me what the fuck
To this day I still have NO idea why I said that.
>be working nights in a warehouse
>see one of my black employees dicking around
>its dark, cant see well
>shout from far away "Hey Terrance, we have work to do!"
>"Terrance?!"
>shit, its Destinee, all I could see was dreadlocks and red shirt
>"oh sorry, thought you were terrance"
>"Do all black people look the same to you?!"
>"No, its just dark and I couldnt see you very well"
>"Oh, when its dark you cant see black people, I get it" in bitchy tone
>"well obviously its harder to see you guys in the dark"
>"EXCUSE ME?!?!?"
>>71322638
you should have gotten closer and punk'ed him out.
>>71326161
I think you were in the right. Related
>hold door open for black co-worker X
>call him by black co-worker Y's name
>honest mistake, they don't look anything alike
>fuckfuckfuck
>he just stares at me, veers off and goes down the side hall, was never going through the door to begin with
>later on, see X in breakroom
>"uh, hey sorry about earlier"
>he has no idea what I'm talking about
>explain the whole thing
>he's still lost as fuck
>get off free, but eavesdropping co-workers just shoot me dirty looks
>>71324830
>"was it a nightmare?"
lol damn son thats good
>>71302544
>trumpet
>Be on plane from NY to Cali
>Aisle seat, guy in middle needs to pee like every hour, happens like 4 times before I get fed up
>When he goes up for round 5, I move to his seat, don't give a fuck about window guy looking at me
>Human River returns, and asks why I'm in his seat
>Explain that he was disturbing me, so it'd be easier for me to sit in the middle so he can get up and go as he pleases.
>He gets a stewardess, says I took his seat
>Stewardess makes me switch back, says I can't just switch seats
One Week Later
>In airport, see the leaky faucet of a human with his daughter (she's probably around 20)
>We're at the same gate
>He leaves for the bathroom twice, while waiting to board for about an hour
>First person to sit in my aisle, assigned middle seat.
>See Mr. Peebody and Daughter walk up towards my aisle, disappointment comes across his face- they have the two seats to either side of me
>Father asks me to move so they can sit together
>Refuse with shit eating grin on my face, say its against the rules to switch seats
>Daughter says its okay, but she wants to sit in aisle seat because she gets claustrophobic
>Makes dad sit in window seat
>Hoist by my own petard, I had to get out of my seat 7 times that flight thanks to the The Wiz
Now I never by plane tickets that aren't next to a window.
>>71325588
nice
>Walking with a buddy of mine on the street of our city
>See an acquaintance that I am not too fond of
>He says "Anon, whats happening I haven't seen you in forever, how are you?"
>I say "Oh hey guy, good seeing you"
>I continue to walk with my buddy and totally disregard him
Stop and chats are absolutely ridiculous, If I don't know you well don't presume to just come up to me while I'm with a friend and assume im going to chat you up.
someone screencap this shit
>>71305038
>9th grade class, just before Take Your Kid to Work Day
>Chatting with an Indian girl in my class who I recently met
>Joke to her "so does your dad work like, as a taxi driver, or at a convenience store?" naming stereotypical brown people jobs
>"Yes, a convenience store."
>Awkwardly panic-shift from joking tone to pretending to be interested in her dad's life
>be like 10
>playing around with daughter of one of my parents friends similar age
>find gumball machine
>she is sitting on a couch with her legs open and im in front of her on the floor
>we break open the gumball machine and balls go everywhere but mostly between her legs
>i start grabbing and digging for them under her little cunt
>i just want gumballs
>keep digging
>this goes on till i realize wtf i was doing
>i look up and her face looks like pic related
>she gets up and runs to the other room
>mom grabs me up minutes later saying we need to go
>never see parents friend or her daughter ever again
over 20 years later this still keeps me up at night
>>71309234
>"Yes, I take a private plane on holiday a couple of times a year, and I feel horribly guilty about it. I probably shouldn't do it. But the truth is, I'm not perfect. This is not about perfection. I don't expect anybody else to be perfect either. That's what hurts the environmental movement – holding people to a standard they cannot meet. That just pushes people away."
Man, flying in a plane with other people (first class of course) is just so difficult, what a courageous woman this must be
>>71326973
That's fucking great
>>71305038
I lost my shit at this
>>71327659
>Still keeps me up
Why cause you jerk off?
>>71326152
dumb fuck
>>71327955
sick!
>dinner party at my friends house
>they have this shitty threeold kid running around
>he kicks people because his parents laughs to it
>a couple of glasses later, it's toilettime
>walk in, see some pee on the floor
>no big deal, the kid probably did it and ain't cleaning it up
>when done, friends wife see me open the door
>at dinner, another guy talks about cleaning the toilet - "why can't ppl clean up after themselves?"
>friends wife looks at me
Later, outside, drinking beer alone with the boys
>my friend jokes about peeing, tells a fake story about how he caught me peeing outside the seat in school...
>he finishes the story with "things haven't changed"
>I tell him his shitty kid did it
>he says "ye, I remember you blamed also me for the accident back in school. Ya never learn right"
>everyone laughs
>>71305673
i see you're keeping up the german tradition of not being funny
