Have any of you tried doing stand up comedy? Why/why not? What was your experience?
>>70460862
I tried once, but everyone just laughed at me
I'm not smart enough to make my Assburgers sound funny
>>70460946
Try again
I'm autistic
I wouldn't know what to talk about or what to write
Otherwise I'd do it, I wouldn't be political or talk about celebs, something like Ferguson's monologues with the level of comfyness of Dylan Moran
>>70461228
Wouldn't autism make you better at comedy?
>>70461065
So I just flew in, boy are my arms tired!
>>70461262
Make an effort and don't be sarcastic. You're selling yourself short.
>>70460862
Nah, I just settle for being witty on here. Some people just settle for any old (you)'s but I go for the keks.
>>70461320
Have a (You), my man.
This is one of my bits. It usually goes over well with my friends when I get the timing right, but I've never tried it on stage.
I live next to this psychic shop on the corner and the lady who runs it is really nice. The shop has this really elaborate wood carving on the front and a large plain yellow wall on the side facing my street.
One day I walked by on my way to the store and on my way back not 15 minutes later there was graffiti all over the big yellow wall, but there was already a couple of guys out there painting over it. I had to wonder... you think she saw it coming?
I imagine her sitting there just flipping over tarot cards when all of a sudden she says, "Oh shit!.... I gotta go to Home Depot."
>>70461501
>>70461501
Not too bad, maybe edit out some of the extraneous stuff but otherwise solid.
I've posted this in a similar thread a couple days ago and got some alright feedback.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ZbMfGd7QbT
No singles policy
I've never gone on stage though this was just me fucking around.
>>70461636
>>70461501
Terrible
>>70461501
That's a lot of boring set-up for an old hackneyed joke.
>>70461228
I'm not autistic, but i over analysis everything.
I can quite easily make people laugh by talking through my over analysis ins of something but it's really all in the delivery and analogies. Think over analysis like George costanza.
If your autistic youl have no trouble with the material, it's just learning how to deliver it.
>>70460862
I've done a dozen or so sets on open mic nights at my local comedy club. A lot of the time, it's just shitty amateurs like myself waiting for someone to end on a lot of laughs and rushing in to beat the others so we can coast.
I've never performed cold and am not secure enough in my material to want to try.
>>70462158
It's just about knowing your audience. Like this:
I almost got married to a chick with a kid... She said the kid was mine but as a black man, I think I made the right choice.
Here's one of my bits. I performed it in my hometown.
"Alright, here's a joke that you guy won't understand but here goes. Panda no suki na tabemono wa nan desu ka? pan duh! Now the thing about the bit I just did is for one, it wouldn't fly if there was actually someone who knew Japanese in the audience, and if they were I highly doubt they would actually beJapanese but rather someone who could go on about their 'Sailor Moon' fanfiction for an ungodly amount of time. Another thing is, when doing research, for jokes in other languages remember to search 'jokes in Japanese' rather than 'Japanese jokes' because, well you know, the Internet's a racist cesspool."
>>70462264
Is panda your favourite food? Am i missing something?
>>70462264
This isn't funny on any level, no ironically, not straight, it's not funny
>>70462346
What is a panda's favorite food? Pan, duh! (Pan is bread in Japanese)
>>70462449
What do you find funny?
>>70461501
Just don't.
>>70462449
This. That isn't a joke because like it said in the joke, no one understands japanese.
Here's one of my bits
"So I’m in a long distance relationship and I know what everybody says they always fail and I get where everybody's coming from but the way I was thinking at the time is she’s my soul mate, So a week I started to understand the problems with these types of relationships the main one being I can’t punch her in the face over Skype."
I get around 80% laughter on this one.
>>70460862
No because I'm not a pathetic, little, insecure beta faggot.
>>70462550
I laffed.
I end with the line "This experience has been a lot like that movie "Speed". Except there's no bus, we're not going over 55 mph. Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hooper, and Sandra Bullock aren't here. There's no pop quiz. When it comes down to it, we just got a bomb. Thank you!"
I've thought about doing stand up on early turn of the century stuff
like runescape, coke music, harry potter while it was good and other shit
>>70462720
That sounds unfunny as fuck pal
>>70461636
Not bad
>>70462761
you'd probably be surprised, I've had some lulzy experiences.
not going to discuss any of them or any of my possible bits because their birthdays would get snatched around here but suit yourself
>>70462720
Share some material here senpai, i'm curious about your Runescape jokes
>what do you call a woman with a mind of her own?
>fiction
What's the deal with cell phones? Everybody's always using their phones and going on facebook and tinder lol.
>>70462837
>i'm curious about your Runescape jokes
Things only a virgin would say.
>>70462886
Ebin, simply ebin
>>70462264
KILL YOUR SELF
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1XRpfxwI5o8
Best comedy routine :^)
>>70462720
>At high school talent show
>Only there because my niece is doing a shitty dance to "Hotline Bling"
>Opening act is "The early 2000s comedy styling of ANON!"
>Kid gets up
>He's wearing a "Nickelback" shirt
>He starts his bit
>"Hey folks! Anyone remember the Gameboy SP? That shit's old."
>He addresses his shirt.
>"Oh don't worry folks. It's supposed to be ironic!"
>Continues for 15 fucking minutes
>Jokes include:
>"Runescape? More like RUINscape! Amiright? Cause it RUINED MY LIFE!"
>"Coke music? The only people into that were probably high on a different kinda coke? Knowwhatimean?"
>"I used to like Harry Potter. When it was good. Dude, Daniel Radcliffe is OLD!"
>Late thirties moms laugh hysterically throughout while recording on their new ipads
>Dads snicker and talk about how they feel old.
>Anons video uploaded to youtube instantly
>500,000 hits in a matter of hours
>Go home that night
>Finally pull the trigger
>>70463005
link it now
>>70463004
Wow, you're a modern day Amy Schumer. I mean that in the worst possible way because this was quite shit,
I considerd it but then i realized I wasnt funny :(
Here's my favorite joke to tell. It's an old one, but still fresh enough to get laughs.
These two kids are at school, making out under the bleachers. The girl pulls away for a second, catching her breath and smiles at the guy saying "I think I just swallowed your gum." The guy smiles back down at her and says "I wasn't chewing gum, I just cleared my throat."
>>70463222
Painfully unfunny
>>70463172
LMFAO
>>70463222
I don't get it
>>70463302
The girl swallowed the guy's loogie.
>>70463348
Kys
>>70463360
Okay. Pucker up, baby.
>>70463348
Ohhh I see, it could probably work as a regular joke, idk about stand up.
>>70462789
Thanks pal
>>70463391
You could do meta stand-up and explain the joke in a really unfunny way, so it becomes funny in an ironic way?
>>70463433
I feel like Norm McDonald could do this, but it'll be lost on most normies.
I've tried only once but I continue to write short one line jokes. OP's pic is one of my inspirations, along with Steven Wright. The one time I tried to do it, it was alright. Very small venue. I actually didn't bomb as hard as the host and there were some painfully awkward moments when I guy was making very innocent black jokes but was overheard by a pack of black guys outside. They all started in aggressively until the host had to lock the door.
Here's one of my jokes:
I don't believe there's such a thing as kamikaze pilots. That's just Asians driving in the sky.
1 more: I would read Pride and Prejudice but it's not as good as something I could write and it's written by a woman.
I did standup once. I had three joke topics.
One was about the delivery driver at this pizza place that I ordered from just about every week and how I never knew his name, but we had a weird friendship where he waived the cost of food sometimes until the next time I ordered because he knew I would and was even concerned from my health because I was eating out too much.
One was about my mom who was completely overbearing and Filipino, and every phone call was an attempt to prove to me that she was by screaming in Tagalog before I even said hello. Or something. I don't really remember.
One was about me masturbating and something dealing with having to close multiple tabs and stop downloads after getting 30 seconds into the first video.
Then I closed with a longer joke that combined all three with a story about a time I was masturbating, my mom called, and then pizza guy came. I forgot the punchline because I was really drunk and ended up just stopping after talking about me opening the door and my pants falling down with my dick hanging out and me yelling at my mom to tell the girl whose birthday it was, she had a big banner and half the room seemed to be her party, how sorry I was that this was happening.
I honestly can't remember the reception I got because I was fucking wasted. I drank way too much while waiting for my turn.
>>70463459
That pride and prejudice one is great.
>>70461501
don't quit your day job
>>70463459
Kek, second did make me laugh. Can't imagine normies liking it though
>>70463459
Those two are the best ITT.
>>70463172
Lmao
>>70463633
>>70463533
>>70463480
Thank you, guys. Here's a few more for you.
I wanna see a sports team named The Monks. If they win a lot hopefully an announcer will say, "The monks are on fire this season."
If I met myself from the future, it would suck cause I'd have to do it all over again.
I got better at sex after I started applying myself.
I read all my books in between the lines. It takes me only a few minutes to finish each one.
I write a lot of lame jokes but I try to make them actually have a punchline. The biggest problem and the reason I have so much respect for one-liner comedians, is that it's really hard to have everything you say be funny and fill out an actual set. I did 7 minutes and I'm pretty proud that I didn't use all my material. Since then, I've thrown out some stuff and I'm still working on an "act" but find myself going through and throwing out more than I'm writing. Anyways, thanks for the encouragement!
>>70463633
You realize that 4chan brand humor is not that fucking hard right?
>What's the difference between a nigger and a Muslim woman? One is actually good a rapping.
>What do you get when you cross a nigger, an asian, and a man with erectile dysfunction? A gook spook who just can't juke
>I licked a kike once. Tasted sour. Guess he was an acidic Jew.
>To a nigger, every day is bike to work day. They steal one in the morning so they can get to the welfare office before it closes
>A lesbian publishes a novel on feminism. Her publisher (a man) calls her up and says "You finally convinced me". "About what?" she said. "Women". "How?" she responds. "Well you've proven female rights because you actually showed me that they can put a damn thing on paper! Novel's garbage by the way."
Thought of those on the fly
>>70463956
Those are shit compared to >>70463928's, sorry.
>>70462550
6/10
>>70462449
This, it's completely lacking in anything approaching even the hint of chuckle generation. It's just flat rambling nonsense, but it doesn't even have that "lol so random" appeal. Nor is it even "so dumb it's funny". If you were doing this as an audition or something in front of me i would still be sitting there, maybe tilting my head forward slightly with eyebrows raised in that wordless signal for "ok, we're waiting, are you going to start the jokes now?"
>>70464207
Love to toot your own horn, don't you.
>>70463005
My cringe gland just secreted a fatal amount of toxin to put me out of my misery from having to imagine someone bombing that bad.
>>70464375
Nah, man. This is the guy who made the two threads and someone replying to him is different.
>>70464492
What firefox version are you using
>>70464492
Whooaa, we're firefox theme brehs, breh
>>70464527
44.0.2 and I'm using the FT DeepDark addon which always updates with the version.
>>70464603
Good taste, bro.
>>70461501
There is a lot of setup for a bad puncher.
You need something better for all of that.
Something "edgier" by comedy crowd standards, too, like "I just hope they aren't black again." something that'll get a few "oohhoho" mixed with that one guy who laughs at everything who's always at most open nighters getting wasted.
Just a thought...
>>70464635
Holy shit, I'm on FF 40 because FTDeepDark doesn't allow me to update without incompatibility.
What am I doing wrong?
>>70464744
I'd say that if you update and then search for the addon, even if it doesn't let you when it's updating, it'll be available for whatever version you're updating to. I actually just updated mine to 46.0.1 because of this thread and FT DeepDark still works with it.
>>70464806
I'm saving all my tabs this very moment, last time it updated automatically it immediately disabled it.
>>70464635
I'll check that out, thanks
>tfw botnetium
How many zebras did it take to install a lightbulb?
12 as matter of factly.
1 zebra to stand on top of another zebra. 3 zebras to buy the lightbulb. And 6 zebras to combine into a giant zebra transformer that is big enough to put in the lightbulb.
I came up with a whole bit about how I wish I could still use the word faggot, and how someone could be gay without being a faggot and be a faggot without being gay.
I later realized King Cuck Louis CK already did a variation on that bit once and now I can never do it. And that's the main reason why I can't do standup, because I feel like there's so much material out there that's already been covered, and literally anyone could accuse you of joke theft even if you just happened to come up with a similar joke.
>>70465051
What odd add-on is this, might I add?
l>>70465078
>I came up with a whole bit about how I wish I could still use the word faggot, and how someone could be gay without being a faggot and be a faggot without being gay.
South Park already did this in that episode with the bikers.
>>70465149
4ChanX with my own css
>>70465207
Nice.
I don't mean to pry but since you are /g/ what add-ons are using that aren't developer tools?
Who here likes red apples?
From start to finish, 3 million girls took a dump in between the duration of me eating and finishing a red apple. A good 30,000 of those girls taking a dump probably had an apple before hand.
The chances are, at least 10,000 of those 30,000 girls probably had a green apple. I would also predict that at least 15,000 of these women taking dump from eating apples, they probably swallowed some seeds.
And that is why I don't have a girlfriend
I
>>70465278
>*muffled cough from back of room*
>>70463004
>it's a women makes jokes about genitals episode
couldn't bring myself to listen past 9 seconds.
i used to be the funny guy in primary/secondary/first year of sixth form but then the depression happened and now i'm practically friendless drinking my days away shitposting on /tv/.
i've honestly thought about writing some stand up but years of docile living has wasted my brains capacity to think. i've become numb and dumb and all i can find the willpower to talk about is film.
>>70461262
>>70460946
Gold Standard right here.
>>70465267
>I don't mean to pry but since you are /g/ what add-ons are using that aren't developer tools?
I only have that bookmarked for /sqt/ generals, my other addons are normie tier
>LastPass
>uBlock
>Tampermonkey
>Nimbus Screenshot
>SmoothScroll
>New Tab Video
Who here likes cheese pizza?
Everytime I eat cheese pizza I think of all the kids that fell on there knees in that time it takes me to finish up a slice for some odd reason.
I mean u really want me to care bout ur fucking splooger well mate not just like that I mean come on ur not exactly THE MATRIX™ what d u want me 2 doo? I mean ye good day good day innit. What about me? No sir please don't leave it's getting better I swear please sir I HAVE FREE DRINKS WHO WANTS A FREE DRINK? Raise ur hands if u want one
ok
1, 2, 3... ok the drink plan lists me, dr pavel, my men and only 10 OF YOU
getting u some drinks brb
drink this then *pees on stage*
sorry can u look away i can't do it if ur looking cheers
>>70465387
good standup 8/10 would laugh at this
So today I saw a really funny thread on /tv/, it had a picture of CIA (that is aiden gillan to those normie out in the audience lmao) and the poster (he's not got a name on this particular board I visited, let's call him anon) well anyway, the poster put 'BANE?' on his post, and it's funny because he says it in the movie but really peculiar like. And then other 'anons' started saying other lines from the movie and posting pictures of Bane (Tom Hardy, again normies...heheh) and stuff like that. It went on for ages and I couldn't stop laughing.
Anyway, what I have for you today is a video from my samsung 5 mobile phone (fuck apple too be quite honest family) to show you, which is the opening scene of TDKR. i hope you find it as ironically humorous as me.
>>70465394
10/10
>>70463433
we've already got stewart lee for that
>>70465387
Haha classic
>>70463928
>that monks one
Didnt see it coming
>>70462264
I liked it because it triggered two weaboos and an autist.
>>70462550
Are you kidding me!? I hope you're not a fucking white male; I mean is the current year!
I'm not very good with girls, so I made myself approach some randomly on the sidewalk the other day. The first girl I approached was kind of heavy set. I ran up behind her and said I'd love to take her up. I noticed that she experienced three emotions in rapid succession: One, alarm that I might be mugging her. Two, relief that I was, in fact, not robbing her. And three, confusion that I wasn't a black guy. She said no.
The second girl I approached, I did much more gently. I took my time catching up to her to ease myself into conversation. Unfortunately, after four blocks she walked into frozen yogurt place and I doubt I could come up with a plausible explanation for why I was in one of those places alone.
The last girl I approached I did much more quickly. I saw her passing by the bench I was sitting on, she was like a 6/10, and I pretended to be on a jog and catch up to her. She seemed really cool and interested in the same stuff I like, but her mom came to get her before she could give me her phone number.
>>70461501
I genuinely laughed at how bad this was. Brilliant, anon. Give me some more.
I do stand up. Here are some of my bits.
I watched Pacific Rim the other day, the entire movie was set in Japan! It should've been called Specific Rim because it specifically takes place in Japan!
Big laugh. Cut to commercial.
Neighbor is leaving town and she asked me while she was gone for 3 weeks if I could water her tomatoes and I said bitch you want me to send your mail out to!?!
Harrison Ford, he drives a Chevy, and Chevy Chase drives a Ford!
Yep.
Friend is a standup comic and he said I've got the voice for stagework or radio. Went to one of his smaller gigs on the other side of town and he told the owner of the club I was going on before him.
Ended up stealing most of the material from my favorite comedians, but I didn't get paid and credited them. Still have to pay penance for how badly I probably butchered it.
It was a little two hundred seater ish club, and still gave me a rush. I get why they do it.
I have a chronic anxiety of public speaking, I'd spill my spaghetti so hard they'd have to get an EMT to drag me off stage
I once stole a farmers tractors during one night with a few of my mates. We were running through the fields, off our faces and it was just sitting there. The keys were in it and we noticed a house in the distance. I got on and started driving anyway, in my drunken haze, not giving a shit about ruining this mans crops, but I was brought right back to reality when my friends began screaming, telling me to get off the tractor. I got off and noticed the owner of the tractor was just having a quick snooze and I'd ran over him and eventually found out I paralysed him for life.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0UI8AuP0XGa
living alone
>>70466132
could be better worded, anon...but i could see this working in some way.
>>70466045
what jokes?
Me and a friend took a load of magic mushrooms once, he started to freak out.
I had a life changing experience where I felt a universal acceptance with the world around me and all living things.
My friend stood on top of his fridge waving a blanket.
>>70466230
>standing on top of a fridge
i'd just be thinking about how high your ceilings are
>>70461636
All that for a fucking bane post...
Loved it.
Best advice I can give anyone thinking about doing standup is to always be carrying a notebook or record shit on your phone. Having a abundance of material to work on and hone is key. If your dedicated enough you will probably end up with enough material to make a decent set after a year or two.
Then its all about working enough courage to present that material on stage. As long as you have a core set to fall back on, improvisation becomes easy as you always have something to count on if the improv is failing.
>>70466268
Not a fridge freezer
When most people decide to pick a role model, they'll typically pick Ghandi, Martin Luther King, or heck even Hitler in some circles.
My role model is someone no one ever would even consider to pick. But he falls into the same paradigm as a good human being you would want to model yourself after.
He's credited with being one of the most hardworking people in his industry.
He has a huge passion in what he does.
He's the kind of guy that lives to work, never caring about the money that it's involved in anything he does.
He's the kind of guy that would take a job for a snickers bar and give back half a pack of skittles and tell his employer to keep the change.
His name is Eric Roberts.
>>70466428
>*clinking beer bottles in the background*
>>70462571
boy you sure write like one.
>>70462550
Chuckleworthy. Not gold, but chuckleworthy. If you have a good delivery, it could be a very solid joke though, I feel.
>>70461689
will n0lans ever stop being deadweight?
>>70462550
Not bad, not special, but not bad.
>>70460946
>>70460946
Only good one ITT
>>70466198
I tried to pull the Steven Wright awkwardness while delivering some of his, Hedberg, and Emo Philips jokes. For the most part it didn't go well because I delivered it like a third world gyno poking at an aboriginal's cunt with a stick.
Still had fun, and the booze buzz helped.
>>70466182
Here's another one
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0aW6GUBeial
Black lives matter
Hey y'all
Hella mighty big crowd there is.
Damn, I never imagined how sexy you all are.
Hot damn, this is one sexy crowd.
Wew lad, it's getting hot in here or what
Damn this crowd is too sexy
My palms are so sweaty that if I decided to jerk off right now, I already am lubricated
And plus I don't even need porn, the first two rows are enough for me to wack off too.
I'm just kidding, I'm more interested in the 3rd row.
Wew lad, it's like a sauna in here.
Woohoo, my nips are harder and longer then my cock
Oh lawd, I think i came in my pants already
It doesn't take much physical contact for me to get off
I can literally cum a mountain river of nutmeg just by making eye contact with someone
Now anyways, I'm gonna go walk off the stage right now to change my pants.
I got too much cummies in my undies
Thank you all, have a wonderful time
Im gonna be sitting at the bar later contemplating my suicide so if any of you all want to stop by and stop me, then will be the time.
>>70466910
damn this is one sexy post
>>70460946
first post best post
>>70461636
Whats the diffference between rape and murder? Most of the girls i've dated haven't let me act out my murder fantasy.
Women always talk about jobs they have.....that aren't really jobs at all. I think its because they get away with it too easily.....a woman on instagram calls herself an amateur model and nobody bats an eye.....but a man calls himself an amateur gynecologist and suddenly theres a federal investigation.
It seems like womens careers tend to follow some patterns. Like for example, if describe your job as a "full time mommy", that means that you're unemployed.
I wouldn't be doing standup if I won the lottery. I'd take that money and spend it all on some truly needy causes. Like my booze and cocaine fund.
>>70461636
This is legit pretty good apart from the Bane joke
>>70467240
I agree, I've got a better ending to this bit now. After saying that women are whores I say that I got caught jacking off watching Pitch Perfect.
Then I go on a tangent about public masturbators and the 16 year olds that have to clean it up afterwards.
>>70466825
>>70466182
Here are my other bits
>>70462264
This is absolute shit. The worst.
>>70461636
Very Regis Philbin like delivery. Now that I can complain, because it was FUNNY.
>>70461636
just autistic enough to be kind of charming m8
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0WzIcbiiBzB
I've been doing stand up for just over a year.
I've done near 10 or 15 shows at local bars.
I've only ever bombed twice.
I'm personally inspired by Andy Kaufman and Kyle Mooney.
Hate me.
>>70467890
tell us a joke then funnyman
I think being a comedian would be fucking great but unfortunately im not funny or charasmatic
>>70467191
Is that last line lifted from a Stanhope bit?
DOLLA DOLLA BILLS Y'ALL
>>70460862
i got to open up for hannibal buress when he came to my town.
I guarantee you the CEO of subway is a man. You know how I know that? Their sandwiches are only eleven inches but they advertise as a footlong.
>>70468030
>unironically naming your child Hannibal
here is a bit
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1yvgQW4KsGw
im not a native speaker so keep that in mind
so lindsey lohan's in the news again, huh?
>>70468274
Found this guy's portrait.
>>70468111
Good name if tbaphwymf
>>70466182
Decent mang
i always mix up Stephen King and Stephen Hawkings... the other's a retard and the other's a astronomaut?
>>70468111
>hannibal
>one of the greatest generals in history, his conquests and travels literally shaped history
>centuries later cucks make tv shows with his name
>"lol hannibal is for fukkbois xdddd"
Kys
Is it true that all comedians are depressed/drug addicts?
Whats the best way you've seen someone deal with a heckler
>>70460946
hyperkek fpbp
>>70468434
Roasting them, one good punchline and the audience flocks to the comedians side
>>70463459
>Pride
Good work Anon
>>70468434
I saw Bill Burr live and he roasted this one heckler by saying she didn't pay for shit and that she leeched off of her husband.
I did my first standup bit at a comedy club in town a couple weekends ago and it was terrifying. I was really nervous and i think everyone could tell but i got a few laughs so it wasn't a complete disaster. If any anons are thinking about it I recommend doing it because once you've done it then there's nothing really to be scared of anymore. I know what it's like now so I can start tailoring the jokes and delivery better. Practice is the only way to improve.
Me again, same bad mic, different character.
This is part of a set called "Criminally Insincere"
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0mR7bsFm5sK
No - even though I've thought about it. I live in the middle of nowhere where we don't have comedy clubs. I would probably go full Mitch and fuck about for an hour and make people mildly chuckle or I'd accidentally say something too offensive that wasn't sugar coated with enough funny and someone would ruin my life.
>>70469018
You can do it mate. I believe in you.
>>70468434
Just about any time Jimmy Carr deals with one.
>>70468875
That really is a woeful mic
>>70469472
These were the jokes. It's fucking god-awful bad.
"So, I'm sparingly called a comedian by my friends.. mainly because I live with my mother. She says I pontificate over trivial things.. but all I hear is her telling me the Pope hates board games...
Speaking of living with your parents.. how's that last joke?...
I caught a flight of fancy.. the carrier was British Airways and John Cleese was murdering a parrot in the cockpit. (true story)
Great room, a lot of comedians say that when they've only got a good room though. A great room is one that is a category on Family Feud.. People you're still not lying to."
>>70461501
White people aren't funny.
The ceiling for punchline comedy is really low. "Jokes" can only be so strong compared to a good observational set. For anyone doing observational comedy, try to compress it as much as you can but at the same time hit one subject from as many angles as you can joke about it. Don't just point something out and move on. The more you build on it with more and more observations the funnier it gets.
Pretty soon (if not already), stand-up comedy will just be people reciting memes.
>>70470069
Over my dead body.
>>70470357
>So I'm on-line at the deli and this guy cuts in front of me. Just cuts in front of me - FFFFFFUUUUUUU! He says "Deal with it" and puts on shades. I'm like "Watch out, we got a badass over here!"
>So I'm going down on my girl and she says "Oh, it feels so good". So I said "For you?"
>Who else /doesn't understand men/ here? Like, just give me daddy's cummies already!
>What's the deal with maggoty bread? Do they bake the bread with the maggots in it? Does that not kill the maggots? Do they not understand that we're starving? That we don't want maggoty bread? We want meat, damnit, but we'll settle for their legs - they don't need those.
>Eyy, esé, you got a gf? No? Eyy, me neither holmes! You know that feel, man? That feel when no gf, esé!
>>70470650
What's the deal with sand? I don't get it - why do we like it so much? It's coarse, it's rough, it's irritating, and it gets everywhere. Who are these people who like sand? And why do they put it on every beach? Every beach the world over, covered in sand!
>>70461636
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s0ZbMfGd7QbT
materials good but please don't deliver it like that. sounds like a bad drama class monologue
I did an open mic night once and just shoved a vibrator up my asshole until I ejaculated. Got a few laughs.
>>70470810
Good cuz you're getting none here
So at my local dispensary they started guilt tripping stoned people into adopting animals that they would otherwise discourse euthanize.
What kind of dumbass would get tricked into something like that?
Well apparently I'm just that kind of dumb ass, now I have a one eyed cat named Meowlie and he shits on my pillow on a daily basis while maintaining full eye contact.
>>70465387
If you're gonna create you need to have real observations from real life. But be a bystander the rest of your life if that's what you want.
>>70470069
>So anyone else notice that they keep putting niggers in movies? Niggers are so stupid! They always say WE WUZ KANGZ!! Stupid niggers.
You guys are the unfunnied bunch I've never seen
>>70460862
I tried before.
I got two spots on an open mic night.
The first one went badly because I turned up drunk the second was a complete disaster because a large group of my friends came along to support me and I completely choked in front of them.
Despite that I got offered a payed gig about a month later, it was last minute so I assume it was to cover for someone who was out sick, I didn't go because my confidence had been ruined, I'd love to try once again, just to say I did it right but I don't think I have the ability
>>70471215
What do we when we fall down anon?
>>70465744
only thing in the thread so far to make me exhale sharply, well done anon
>>70471432
We cry and tell the teacher so we can get a good boy sticker.
>>70471432
Lay there and wait for the sweet sound of silence as death encroaches
>not using my JFK died from stress bit
have a fun time at the open mics you hacks
>>70461501
You tried buddy.
>>70461501
try coming up with something original
So this kid is walking along, with a rope in his hand. He's dragging, on the rope, a frog. The frog is squished, but he's carrying it along.
So he comes to this brothel and he says to the owner dude, I want a whore right now, with an std. The guy doesn't know what to say, but he can't get rid of him. He thinks, if this kid is so determined I'll just let him at it, he's payin anyway.
So when the kid gets back the owner just has to know what his deal was. So he asks the kid.
Kid says: "Well, i've got this babysitter at home, and she always fucks me. So she'll get that std. Then she fucks my dad and he gets the std, and he fucks my mom and she gets the std, and she fucks my neighbour and he gets the std. And I still had to get back at him for squishing my frog."
What if the Japanese were more technologically advanced than us in ww2? Instead of wanting to bomb us, they just wanted us to buy their shit and started dropping walk men and color tv care packages.
>>70472509
frenchphobic asshole
>>70460946
>>70463005
things that never happened: the post
>>70461636
pretty funny, but you really get away with a lot because of your accent
>>70463222
consider suicide
Geralt
My girlfriend and I were getting lunch, trying to decide where to eat. I suggested BJ's and she said, "Ugh! No!" I asked her what was wrong with BJ's and she said, "I used to work with this girl, her name was BJ and she was so annoying."
I said, "I know exactly what you mean. When I saw in high school there was this guy, he picked on me every day. Beat me up on the bus, told everyone I was gay. And his last name was Olivegarden.
>>70463004
>http://vocaroo.com/i/s1XRpfxwI5o8
kys
>>70460946
truly, fpbp
>>70473084
boo
>>70463004
I feel bad for laughing
>search google for new comedy standup to warch
>TOP TEN COMEDY STAND UPS YOU CAN'T MISS
>half the recommended are women
Fueling hell i get women are funny and hilarious but the thing is out of the top 100 rich comedians only 2 females
So tv what do you recommend?
I've watch every bill, cuck Louie,Patrice and Carlin
>>70473084
Man get the fuck out of here.
>>70473440
Norm
r8 my usual intro
so these women eh? more like womeme
I know this is surprising but my mother is actually a woman so you know shut up if you think I don't know what I'm talking about
>>70473440
Stewart Lee
Man i hope most of the people in this thread are being ironic. If not, then 97% of you are absolute hack-tier.
>>70473525
> womeme
Too niche pal
>>70473499
Only likes the dude on podcasts, his show and Conan
The randy bit is one of my favorite bit of all time
>>70473585
Give us some constructive criticism then bucko
>>70473084
This is like some shit they would use in a tv show to indicate that a comedian was really shit.
Here's one off a list I wrote down if I ever decide to do an open mic.
I'm happily married. My wife's great, she doesn't complain, she's down to cuddle every night. We never really fight, and some nights we go at it so hard I wake up with sores. She doesn't have a job, but I like taking care of her. We have kind of an open relationship, too. It was weird at first! I was kinda upset by how little resistance she would give when my friends would try to lay her... excuse me, lay in her. My wife is my bed, and her name's Karen.
>>70474052
Dreadful
>>70474052
I hope you didnt seriously think this was good
>>70474052
And here's another I'm okay with sharing.
So I'm a lesbian, but I've tried with dudes. A lot of guys can be awesome to hang out with, but when it comes to the sex, I genuinely feel confused. Like imagine we're in a bedroom and you pull your gonzo-nose out, what do you want me to do with that? You want me to hold it? Your body's got a pretty good grip on it, champ, I don't think it's going anywhere.
>>70474256
Please point to the punchline for me.
I think one of the things I'm most afraid of on stage is farting. because I'm actually tempted to put the microphone on my ass. Pretty much the worst way to bomb really.
>>70474406
What are you on about i would burst into tears if anyone did that. Farts are hilarious.
I came up with a joke.
They say if you don't get sleep for 72 hours you're legally insane they also say if you don't get sleep for 120 hours you're legally very very tired
What do ya think?
Also
My grandma is gettin pretty old she's 95 and her memory is gettin bad. She forgets to take the trash out or get the mail in. She forgets to die.
I haven't really fleshed that one out properly but you get the idea
>>70474800
My grandmothers Alzheimers is so bad I'm pretty sure she's forgotten how to die, she's a hundred and fifteen and refers to me as that little Jew boy. She keeps asking me if I want to bake cookies and always insists I clean the oven by hand.
how bout a bit about addiction
you know you're really addicted to something when you can't think of a scenario that you haven't done
obviously the scenarios are gonna be worse for drugs and that shit but you get the point
like if you cant stop eating you've probably gone sleep eating enough times that you left a donut in the toilet or if you've injected enough heroin you've probably sucked an aids dick
>>70463464
this is all really good stuff. if you put in the 1000hrs you could be pro.
>>70475169
What?
>>70475107
R8 my opening.
>All right you guys, let's start.
So little head up: this is going to be an incredibly mysogynistic set.
BUT if you dont post my jokes on instagram we'll probably be fine
>>70460946
WOOOOWWWWWW
>>70476353
https://youtu.be/rXmt6IOjhGI?t=10
>>70476353
You should say your sets going to be misogynistic and racist because your a straight white male
>>70476353
Ehhh it seems like you're insecure from the get go, probably best to integrate into the set itself instead of making the audience have power over you from the beginning.
>>70477833
The set is not actually mysogynistic.
That's just the first joke
Everytime I see a broken bottle on the ground I imagine someone walking along and shouting to them self 'there should be a garbage can RIGHT HERE'
I'm a big fan air conditioning
Bath water can be ocean water, just transfer it in a bucket.
When I walk on the freeway I gain telekinetic powers. I can make cars honk and swerve.
>>70460862
I know I will suck at it.
When no one is around humming bird's become singing bird
The antisocial architect: "I have trouble building and maintaining relationships"
Cats have tails. But cats don't have cars so they should humble the fuck up
There are two types of squirrels: flying squirrels and ones that don't live up to their potential
The problem with trying to become a comic is somehow you just magically lose your credibility. I blame these assholes who preface obviously fictional situations with the phrase "this really happened" or something, like that somehow makes your car's engine block getting hit by a meteor fifteen minutes before work more plausible. "This really happened!" No it didn't fuck you man just tell the joke. My friends don't even believe what I say anymore, I'll tell a story about some mildly strange guy who came in to my shop earlier that day and they'll tell me that the bit could use some work. When I called animal control about a rabid dog on my block they laughed and hung up.
I used spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.
>>70478430
I got into a fight with a nudist. Only reason I lost is because that nigga caught me offguard. Didn't expect him to use a clothesline.
>too scared shit less to do comedy
>friend in LA doing stand up and is bad. Most of his set ends up as DUDE PUSSY AND COCK LMAO because he can't think of anything to say. And not even pens jokes just literally 'and then I jizz ed in her cunt hahhaha'
>afraid if I do standup I'll do the same, or do the other thing I tend to do which is spew out schizo-tier wordsalad that is just whatthefuckareyoudoingnigger-esc
>>70473084
I unironically enjoy this
>>70460862
I have, it went well, going to do it again. I did better than probably 2/3 of the other people there on my second try.
>>70462195
What does it mean to perform cold? Sober?
I once drove 2 hours away from where i live to do an open mic. I had a bit in mind. When it came to it, i chickened out like a piece of shit. I stayed in a motel and watched cable tv with a/c.
Ps i had a friend so im not completely lame. (keyword; completely)
What advice would you give to first timers hitting that open mic?
>>70462542
lol
>>70466182
Bretty gud
>>70476353
It's hard to rate it on just those two line without knowing how the rest (or some of the rest) of your set is.
If it is going to be exactly what you said it would be, we're already expecting it. So in a sense, it's a pretty dull opening. Maybe say it ISN'T going to be misogynistic because your moms gay
But hey. I just like to watch. Im not a comedian.
Good for you for trying, homie
>>70474800
not bad. keep going
>>70474406
If you fart just start crying with your hands over your face.
>>70474052
Your wife doesn't work but you have an open relationship?
Where do you come from? Are there more like you, please?
>>70462228
why is that funny?
>hurr black people are bad fathers
just repeating stereotypes isnt funny, you have to do something comedic with the stereotype
>>70478868
That is the only one of his sets I can find online.
>>70474800
"forgets to die" doesn't work. No one associates memory and dying culturally or scientifically.
>>70461636
the cock stuff reminded me of norm
>>70462907
>rejected seinfeld material
I'm pretty sure you can say "what's the deal with..."
>>70464444
Guess you don't need those quads anymore then?
>>70463459
The second one takes too long to get for such an unfunny joke, it's not like the joke has the form that calls back to the book, it's just referencing the title. A good example would be if you made a joke about James Joyce while also emulating his style for a comedic effect
>>70465616
except when he does it it never becomes funny
>>70467787
no need to shout
turned it off
>>70462907
We got the next Seinfeld everyone
>>70468109
>problem is, he likes them a foot high.
>>70469470
>mum joke
>dad joke
>cock sucking joke
he's good at heckles, but he's not the best
>>70468678
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGPC63DDHRM
bill burr rules
To the people that can't get out of bed in the morning: just recall that memory you tried hard to repress for the last five years.
