open with this scene?
This is terrible writing, it's not colloquial at all. And stop ending sentences like this... it's fucking awful...
It's really, really bad, OP.
>>67342360
yah thought so. back to work.
I think the book 'save the cat' makes writing worse. avoid.
Never write anything ever again. Never form sentences again. Stop breathing my air. Buy a gun and fucking kill yourself.
>>67342543
I think you might just be retarded. The 3rd and 4th lines especially are like autistic-five-year-old tier.
>>67343571
>>67342793
>>67342360
This guy has made 10 threads before. He's mentally challenged. He has only admitted to having autism, but he most likely has something more severe.
>>67343571
yup.
>>67343612
autism is severe.
>>67343612
Oh. The pencils thing should have been an indicator. Actually, in re-reading it with that context in mind the whole piece becomes a lot more telling. He should show this to his psychiatrist to be unpacked.
Ah the entertainment business, so full of charm and glamour.
No offense OP, but this seems weird to open or start a movie with.The pacing seems too fucking rushed.
>>67344764
yah i'm getting rid of this scene altogether. it was an idea from 4chan.
>>67342146
You post this a lot, which shows you've got passion, which is pretty cool.
You need to stop describing things that aren't directly seen or heard.
>TOM ULBRICHT is the warden at a maximum security prison in West Texas. He is responsible for some of the most dangerous felons in the country. He is not a hardened or apathetic man.
How old is he? Even if you say something like TOM ULBRICHT (40s) it's important to have something.
The description is literally not visual at all. Is he tall or short? Fat or thin? Stuff like that, y'know?
It should be something more along the lines of
>TOM ULBRICHT (40s) is the warden of the prison, he is roughly average height and a bit pudgy. The stress of his job hasn't hardened his face.
The details are almost definitely different on some levels, but the concept is the same.
Notice how I didn't specify anything about the prison beyond calling it 'the prison', this is because you open with the slugline, then the description of the space, and then the descriptions of characters in the space.
>INT. TOM'S OFFICE - DAY
>The warden's office of the maximum security prison in West Texas is drab, with just a desk and a couple of chairs, it isn't as intimidating as you'd expect.
Then you follow that with the description of Tom and then the first action description. You can sort of work it all together somewhat but it's important that you have a description of the location and a description of the character right out of the gate.
Your dialogue definitely needs some work, and I'd recommend using a '-' instead of '...' in instances where the one character cuts off the other, you also need to specify that Richard is off-screen like
>RICHARD (O.S.)
Unless you're cutting back and forth or using a split-screen thing, but it needs to be specified.
The easier a script is to read, the higher chance someone's gonna greenlight it, or if you're doing it independent-style, the easier it'll be to shoot.
>>67344943
That was cool, thx. So you seem like you've done this before? Screenwriting?
>>67342146
My main issue is that the dialog seems rushed, and that it doesn't feel natural in the sense that it's the cliche of wanting a library in a prison so inmates can educate themselves. I can work past that though, if you are going this route I suggest building up to it more maybe show him starting his day make it feel more fluid instead of just plunging me head first. The viewer isn't retarded they can grasp the fundamentals of a character quickly without needing an instant explanation.
>>67345005
Yeah, I got some experience in it. I'm by no means an expert or anything, but I've got it down pretty solid in terms of formatting and what people like to see when they get a script.
There are so many scripts out there and so much money that goes even into relatively low-budget productions that people look for the slightest discrepancies and will discard scripts on small formatting things, missing information that should be present, or information that is there that shouldn't be. If you're hired to write a script you have a bit more leeway, but even then you gotta really stick to the guidelines as much as possible. If you're producing and directing it, you can do whatever, but even then the standard format is actually really helpful in that a page is roughly a minute, so you have an estimate on how long it should take to film, and it highlights all of the essential information so when you're going through and listing what you need you know how many actors you need, roughly how old they should look, what locations you need, and a bunch of other stuff.
>>67345213
cool
