Collaborating Fucking Sucks edition
What are you working on? Anything interesting?
I have to do this neo-noir parody script with some friends of mine for a class. Unfortunately they don't seem to have ever watched a neo-noir. Ever. It's exhausting trying to let them know how I want it to look.
I'll fix it in the directing, I guess.
>>67295044
bump
>>67295044
rebump
ITT: Post the worst script you've ever written.
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B6uwaxNQt5HReUZObGxJUTltTEU
Since this thread isn't kicking off like I'd hoped, I'll leave with some advice I heard.
Don't ask how to make your dialogue better. If you want to make your dialogue good, make your characters good. Map out every detail of their life, from birth to where they are in that moment. At that point, the dialogue will start to fall into place.
>>67296502
If you cut out 80% of the V.O. directed toward the viewer, this would be salvageable.
>>67297713
Yeah? I wrote that years ago, and I've heard mixed reviews ranging from "You have the basics in place, but your execution's sloppy" to "i dunno man there is literally nothing redeemable about this".
I wrote a short film that I hopefully plan on shooting two weekends from now, maybe three, depending on when I can get the equipment rentals.
If anyone can give it a look, I'd really appreciate it!
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BwnLo4eiFUKDdnMyMXd5UG43TGs
I'm also doing a partial edit of the feature length I'm working on. I know I should finish it first, but the first few pages were really bothering me, format wise.
>>67296502
Goddamn, I still have one of my old ones, I think. I'll see if I can fish it out of the recess of old storage.
>>67297548
I find that character bios and histories are really helpful in constructing who they are, and then, what they would say in a given situation.
I think premium Celtx has a character sheet feature, but anyone can just find character bio questions online.
>>67295044
In that case you just have to marathon some movies, or do it alone. If someone parodies something he doesnt know, its going to be some scary movie tier shit.
>>67297779
I don't most people. The people who told you it was irredeemable probably didn't want to keep reading past the first couple of pages because you have so many 4th wall-breaking voice over dialogue. It is a huge turnoff, at least for me.
It's just that in some places it feels very heavily clichéd (like Tommy chuckling when he's about to shoot Carter, a guy he's never met before) even though the story seems like it's not supposed to be taken too seriously (cause I'm seeing some lighthearted comedy mixed in too).
>>67298088
Yeah. I think we just have to make it a first draft so once we get this done I'm getting us all together so they can see exactly what kind of shit I want.
Q: it's moving pictures and you're supposed to show rather than tell, but some of the best stuff has chunks of dialogue with the scenes
what are the rules, how do you implement it and get away with it?
Thanks
>>67298134
Yeah. To be honest that was my attempt at writing something a lot bigger than I could actually do at the time, plus there was the issue of me having to get it done in 3 days (they all bailed, I ended up doing something completely unrelated with a few friends of mine that are actually reliable.
>>67298270
From what I understand it's best to keep your scene description short. Only use words you think are absolutely necessary.
>>67298270
Would the scene still be great if the dialogue was muted? Can you explain why?
My story is niggers
>>67298423
Max Landis? Is that you?
>>67298359
>>67298419
well I think to scenes from movies like the coen bros as in a serious man and other movies like Michael Clayton where they have beautiful long doses of dialogue but make it work seamlessly.
so technically it's more tell than show but they get away with it?
I'm working on a movie about institutionalized racism and I'm afraid that Zootopia has the same story. Guess I'll find out tomorrow.
Disney already did one of my ideas better than I ever can with Wreck-It Ralph. Not that my idea used video games, the stories are just extremely similar.
>>67298503
Sounds more like examples for subtle acting and good written dialogues than sdt
>>67298660
I suppose, idk how to do it yet.
Any tips or advice to help me with this?
>>67297941
I remember this, I thought it was pretty good for being banged out in 2 hours while high.
Y'know what they say, Write Drunk, Edit Sober.
>>67297941
The script seems well structured and easily self-produced. I think it has a nice pace for a short, and you get Chris' character across well. The line where he's telling his fears to Alex "It's not class, it's after class," "I don't have a purpose." seems really on the nose though. I would rework this, or specifically take out the "purpose" part if you really still want to be so explicit about Chris' fears to the audience.
Plot-wise, it's a little weird how both Chris and Victoria were visibly drunk, and yet Chris doesn't remember a single thing from the time he leaves the bar, yet Victoria remembers every little detail about their conversation afterwards. If she was that sober (or at least aware) and he was blackout drunk when he was telling her he'd hang and keep going out with her, I don't know if she'd be smiling and hopeful of a real relationship happening afterward, unless her character is supposed to be really naive or just innocent like that.
im making a 90 minute B move about retarded zombies. I need funding.
>A short-bus full of tards crash into a lake.
>The parents have mixed reactions to losing potato kids.
>Grieving mom begs town wizard (comic store owner) to raise her dead child back.
>he casts a spell turning the dead kids into zombies
>they try to go home to eat parents, who are forced to rekill their retard zombie kids.
>milf heroine vs. boss wizard
>wizard zombie/second form
>retard zombie kid saves milf/kills wizard
>before beng crushed by bulldozer (sad climax)
>I want all the zombie to be rubber/silicone cast puppets - no cgi.
>all of the cast has mullets
Working title: Special Deaducation
>>67298816
I once did something about Tom and Jerry and other old cartoons. Not joking here. They can be brilliant with their show/dont tell related techniques
>>67299379
Not even sure if you are serious or not. But I would absolutely watch this.
>all of the cast has mullets
kek
>>67299379
I'd watch the shit out of that, especially if you paid Black Dynamite-tier attention to detail on recreating that kind of movie.
>>67299379
I love campy shit like this. The mullet idea could work if the setting is like a small town in the West or something.
To be honest though, you will probably not get outside funding for this strictly due to the kids needing to act retarded. This definitely seems like a self-producing only scenario.
>>67298988
Right yeah, thanks again for giving it a read!
>>67299108
The complaining about school part does look really on the nose, now that I look at it again. It wasn't my intention to focus too much on class as a problem, but I think with a subtler approach, I can better integrate that concept in the script.
Also, I think it'd be smart to better convey in the screenplay that Chris got really shitfaced, compared to Victoria's buzz at best. Ties in nicely with the idea that Alex would want him to quit drinking if Chris has a history going overboard with alcohol.
Plus, I do like the idea that maybe Victoria is doubting Chris' intentions, which would make more sense why she would hit him up later that day.
>>67299108
Also, thanks for reading it and giving your input! I really appreciate it!
>>67299379
the gore props will be the core focus of the film and it's expense.
also the giant cabage patch wheelchair kid puppet we need in both before and after forms of zombification will be costly
>mfw accepted to UCLA's MFA program
>>67300576
>MFA
kudos though, what will it do for you?
aren't MFA's simply glorified pieces of paper where people are telling you how to write and you're paying them for it? or is the fact it's UCLA mean something?
fuck these threads
>>67300576
congratulations :-)
i hope things go very well for you
>>67300576
cngrats
>>67299379
nice
>>67300654
>aren't MFA's simply glorified pieces of paper
Pretty much.
>or is the fact it's UCLA mean something?
This. One of the top screenwriting programs in the world. It's not a golden ticket by any means, but it's definitely an advantage to get your foot in the door.
>>67300788
well congratualations! Actually, it's nice to see someone succeed. I'm curious as to how you're writing is, clearly good enough to get in. Good luck and don't forget us when you're up there!
Early morning writing bump
>>67300736
>>67300763
>>67300866
Thanks! Still kinda freaked out about it. I don't have a short to post, but here's the first ten of the feature I submitted when i applied.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8rLQhlWaQkjTl92b3pGWXFZZ28/view?usp=sharing
I'm here, the guy with the autistic hardon for film noir from last night if anybody remembers. Will bump in a few with some idea pitches (not noir related though I just want to be recognized without a trip cuz I'm a snowflake)
>>67300576
I know someone in the MFA program in my school.
She's one of the worst writers I've ever seen. When she told me she was in the MFA program (after I'd read her work, assuming she was a director trying to write or something), it took every iota of strength not to laugh.
>>67301496
That was pretty good, I've always enjoyed office comedy. Unfortunately at the moment I'm sorta swimming in the milky glow of sleep deprivation/having just listened to a musical all the way through, so I kinda got lost on the plot.
It's good shit though man, and I wish you the best.
>>67301761
Yeah, I remember you.
In a small western city, a petty thief finds himself in over his head with a local gang. There's a week long marathon of old Western TV shows (Gunsmoke, The Rifleman, etc.) on the local station that pop up from time to time. The thief does his best to fix his situation and repay his debt but eventually is forced to go on the run.
At this point, the film jumps back to the 1880s. A cowboy whose father has just died loses the treasured family rifle in a rigged poker game and wages a one man war against a corrupt town and a horde of outlaws to get it back. In the process, he is mortally wounded and goes out into the desert to die.
Back in the present, the thief makes a last ditch effort to save himself but is rejected by his sometimes girlfriend and set up for an ambush. He barely makes it out alive, steals a car, and drives into the desert. The gang catches up with him and the ensuing chase causes a crash in which all parties are injured. The wounded thief runs into the desert with the mobsters in pursuit on foot and deliriously falls into a hollow part of the ground. In the hole he awakens in, he finds the cowboy's skeleton and the rifle. The gangsters arrive and surround the hole. The thief takes his only chance at survival and stands, cocks the rifle and pulls the trigger. It crumbles into dust and the gangsters shoot him to death in the cowboy's unmarked grave.
>>67302261
Well, that's good! You have a treatment.
Now, start fleshing out your characters and put your fingers to the keys.
>>67302209
Thanks, man. It's not my best work, but it's a story that ultimately ends up pretty out there, so I figured they'd at least remember me when after finished it. I guess it worked.
>>67302294
Nigga I know how it's done, I just wanted to get some thoughts on the rough plot outline and stuff.
>>67302364
Oh ok
Well it's a pretty good outline, man, I feel like you could do some interesting parallels in there between the two stories.
>>67302457
Thanks. Sorry if I seemed like a dick, I just just kidding.
I think right now the main things I want to show with the parallel stories are the classic idea of masculinity not actually being too much of a real thing, you know? Like the cowboy reclaims his father's rifle, a phallic symbol, in order to restore family pride but the modern thief, who watches old westerns and wants to be like these heroes, completely fails in all aspects and that kinda thing.
>>67301496
Nice dude. Are you planning on actually making this? With some sprucing up it could be really pretty great I think
>>67302261
It's interesting, but you need a larger tie between the two stories than the thief ending up in the cowboy's grave. Otherwise your entire story hinges on a pretty massive coincidence. The thief could have prior knowledge of the cowboy, maybe he's a descendant and is looking for a fortune the cowboy supposedly hid somewhere? Just something to unify the stories more.
>>67302658
Thanks, man. I might look into doing something with it down the road, but I have some other screenplays I'd rather do first if I had the opportunity. It's also in desperate need of rewrites, so it's a bit early to judge.
>>67302743
Well I was thinking of maybe having the local TV Western marathon something to do with like a Wild West Festival celebrating the only local western legend, which would be this cowboy. So we see someone attempting to emulate mythical heroics set against the backdrop of these legendary events and larger than life characters, then we actually see how the events truly happened (which will be amoral and pretty nasty, as opposed to brave) and then back in the modern world the consequences of admiring and emulating something that does not really exist catch up with our hero
>>67302199
You remember any standout lines or directions that we might like? What was it all about?
>>67302901
Every other word was capitalized, typos out the wazoo, characters who talked like robots, etc. Pretty sure I still have the script on here. It's about paint contaminating people or something.
(wryly)
Bump.
Copying and pasting from the other thread:
I got my one-page feedback from the Screencraft competition today.
Highlights:
>The script opens with a very promising opening sequence.
>The concept is very intriguing and engaging. The world that is created is interesting and has been explored in movies before. So the promise of the concept is there to be sure.
>Your big text conjures brilliant visuals
Lowlights:
>However, things slow down quite a bit from a character and story perspective. The character falls in love rather quickly. While the dialogue and winks in regards to the history is obviously well-researched with some fun perspective, there's no conflict here. Everything is too easy, and there are missed opportunities.
>Whatever the conflict and stakes could be, they need to be there. As is, the character just floats through the story, which ends up being more about the love story and less about your concept. And even the love story angle is showcased with little to no energy and conflict. They're falling in love right away from the get go.
Mixed comments:
>In short, everything just seems so routine. The excellent concept keeps things afloat now and then, but the lack of any conflict or stakes makes an otherwise strong concept delivered in a weak fashion.
>The script just needs more conflict and stakes to accommodate such an excellent premise. It needs more character arc and conflict.
>Overall an excellent concept, but needs much, much more conflict stakes and story.
Honestly I kinda feel a bit jipped having paid an extra $80 for a page of feedback and it's just the same keywords thrown at me over and over in new sentences. It is helpful, though, and it makes me feel good about my presentation and ideas - I just need to work on my development, apparently. Anyone else do Screencraft or know if they're any good? Are there any competitions people can recommend?
Also, as always, happy to help or play around with any scripts anyone has.
>>67305930
The big two competitions, as I'm sure you know, are the Nicholl Fellowships and Austin Film Festival. No personal experience with Screencraft, sorry.
From your feedback, it sounds like your protagonist isn't struggling enough. And that's no fun. Make them suffer! Make us want to see him/her succeed!
