Star Wars the Kike Awakens review (and SPOILERS)
So, I just watched this piece of shit and I thought I'd review it while it's still fresh in my mind. Keep in mind I'm not a huge fan of Star Wars (I watched both trilogies and I liked them well enough but I'm not a nerd about it) and I expected this movie to be pretty mediocre because of all the feminism and multiculturalism shoved down your throath. But still watchable. I didn't go into the theater expecting anything wonderful. Just an ok movie.
Boy, was I wrong.
PRO:>The action scenes were finally made cool. Now when a laser hits someone, they don't just fall like the director just signed them to pretend they were hit. They get blasted 10 feet away with a gaping, fuming hole in their chest. Good.
>The dindu main character is a traitor and a thief (steals Luke's lightsaber). Just like Lando was a traitor and a hustler. Also, he's pretty much the only black character in the universe. Again. Star Wars confirmed unconsciously racist.
>I snuck candies and drinks into the theater.
(cont.)
>>63851478
CONS:>The gurrlpower main character, which is the stereotype of the 15 year old white girl boring and annoying.
>The dindu main character, which had no reason to exist.
>The race-mixing implied romance, which was not only boring, devoid of any reason d'étre and predictable, but inconciliable with my national socialists beliefs. Heil.
>The old characters that are there only to make the nerds orgasm all over the seats.
>The 50 "cool" winks at the nerds, referencing the old trilogy. Every fucking scene had something taken from the old movies. The writers don't seem to realize that the more you do something, the less effect it has.
>The Millennium Falcon just sitting in the sand where the most important droid of the galaxy just happened to fall. By pure chance.
>Han and Chewbie find the Millennium Falcon immediately after the main characters steal it. Not before, even though it was stolen months ago.
>Fucking Leia being a useless piece of shit as usual, but now old and ugly too.
>The main villain is so weak they basically had to make him a Darth Vader Jr AND Han's son at the same time, otherwise it couldn't stand on his own. And it still doesn't stand on his own. Zero personality, no interesting philosophy or outlook on life, zero power too.
>Also, Han and Leia are both white people with brown hair, but their son is a kebab with olive skin and black hair. Just why?
>The gurrrlpower is totally untrained but getting her hands BY PURE CHANCE on Luke's lightsaber (abandoned in the basement of a fucking bar for some reason) was enough for her to defeat the villain, which is a whiny cunt but still a trained sith.
>So: the fucking villain is not only just an edgy kid in a rebellious phase, but gets even defeated by a nobody.
>C3Pfag and the other trash can do a deus ex machina and complete the map needed to find Luke at the last moment. Not before.
>The plot is identical to the old trilogy. Down to the destruction of the Death Star 2.0.
(cont.)
>>63851534
And, finally:>The worst thing, by far, is that this fucking movie managed to not only be horrible, trite, boring and politically charged, but to RETROACTIVELY RUIN EPISODE VI.
At the end of Return of the Jedi, we see that the Empire gets destroyed and assume that Luke will create a new Jedi Order to mantain peace and fix the damage done by the Emperor.
Lol no.
Now we find out that the Empire never actually died. It's not that pockets of imperials survived, which would be realistic and ok, but the whole fucking organization seems to have gotten even stronger! They manage to build another Death Star 10 times bigger and powerful enough to destroy a whole solar system with one hit. They storm planets with spaceships and armies. The Emperor's death, the climax of the old trilogy, was made completely irrelevant.
And Leia and the others are still "the Resistance".
Jesus fucking Christ this piece of shit was horrible give me back my money.
GRADE: -3/10.
Congratulations, J. J. Kike, you managed to go into the negative digits.
>>63851534
You mean irreconcilable.
no one cares what an autist living in there mums basement thinks.
>>63851615
Probably. Not native speaker.
>>63851643
>hurr durr he doesn't like a shit movie he autist basement lol
Fucking 13 year olds I swear...
>>63851478
So, your review confirms my experience, it was nothing but a glib facsimile.
If Star Wars was all I had access to as a child in terms of sci-fi I probably would become one of those crazy fanboys, but thankfully I had access to anime from very early on in my youth years that my mental balance is very stable.
Seriously, if you have watched Akira, you'd realize just how sophisticated anime is and it blows away anything Star Wars would have to offer.
A lot of people mention Ghost In The Shell, which has just enough of sexuality in the mix to draw in the western audience I suppose but I must say that Ghost In The Shell is not even in my top 10 anime, not even close, that's just how deep the world of anime is.
Some anime is so disturbingly mature like Fractale that I wish it would challenge the system and submit it as a Drama category in the Oscars just to bitchslap the snotty Academy.
It's not just the level of maturity and sophistication anime has, it's also quite original, entertaining, and visually fantastic. I would regard anime as the highest form of cinema art-form.
But hey, me preaching about anime won't do you any good, you gotta go out and see it for yourself just how much you are missing.
The recent one I would recommend to check out is Sword Art Online which is light and easy to get into anime for the first time yet appreciate it as much, but if you want the heavy stuff right off the line check out Guilty Crown in which the plot is so complex and twisted that you'll need extra oxygen pumped into your brain in order to comprehend everything, and if you want amazing visuals and a gripping drama that also has awesome mecha battles Aldnoah.Zero is the shit.
Seriously, if you know anime like I do, Star Wars looks like it's something for little kids.
>>63851478
spics calling others kikes, ayy lmao
>>63851720
This pasta is already stale.
>>63851572
It's true... all of it. 10/10 post and great analysis.
Just saw this. Great review op.
I give the movie 0/10. Just got out of the theater.
>>63851792
Also:>they desperately tried to make this movie "epic" by killing off Han Solo. And yet, not even this, not even the surprise murder of one of the most beloved characters in movie history, managed to elicit genuine emotions. It's just... fuck, I saw that coming a mile away and this movie was shit for the last 2 hours, I really don't care about this old fuck getting killed. It's not moving. It's suck a blatant attempt at being moving that it ends up being irritating.
Fuck J. J. Abrams.
>>63852004
Like were we really supposed to believe Han would just change Ren's mind in five seconds? Either way it was set up to be stupid.
>>63852240
They were really desperate to make this movie a ebin one. They crashed and burned horribly. It was cringeworthy to watch. Not a single spectator gave a fuck during the scene, despite being mostly nerds (they clapped when the STAR WARS title appeared on screen).
I'm confident to say that pretty much nobody liked it.
why was Luke's lightsaber blue when it should have been green?
Why was chewies bow firing red bolts instead of green?
Why was finn able to go toe to toe with a sith? Same with Rey? [/spolier]
>>63852462
The answer to all those is: BECAUSE IT'S A SHITTY MOVIE BY SHITTY WRITERS AND A SHITTY DIRECTOR.
>>63851478
>>63851534
>>63851572
Perhaps you should kill yourself, my man.
>>63852625
Perhaps you should use that mouth to swallow my cum, kike.
It was a shitty, blatant Episode IV remake.
It was really obvious too.
>>63851478
>>63851534
>>63851572
WALL OF TEXT
A
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F
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How's it feel knowing your time consuming rant didn't get read, faggot? Go cry to your mom, bitch nigga.
>>63853416
Oh wow a nigger who failed 3rd grade five times didn't read my post. I guess my life is over.
Eat shit, dindu.
>>63852462Luke's first lightsaber (originally Anakin's and the one in this movie) is blue. After he loses it he builds his own green one.
Chewie's bow originally fires red lasers. Movie canon > everything else canon
Kylo is no Sith. He's in training and had been injured after Chewie shot a hole through his ribs. Stormtroopers receive combat training. Rey grew up having to defend herself and had a strong affinity for the force (being able to tap into it unknowingly a la Anakin pod racing).
>>63853685
Kylo should still have been several times stronger than Rey.
Also, she manages to resist his Force-interrogation way before Kylo gets injured and learns how to use the Force in like 2 minutes without anyone teaching her.
She's a ridiculous Mary Sue put there to make feminists happy.
Also, with this kind of setting, aren't the next 2 movies going to progress in the same exact way as the original trilogy?
>2nd movie: Rey gets trained by Luke to defeat Kylo and Emperor n. 2. figths Kylo but loses.
>3rd movie: Rey gets so powerful she defeats the new Emperor and saves the galaxy.
I can't see any other development, given this kind of start.
>>63853685
Kylo's no Sith but he managed to build up a new Empire with a new Death Star 10x more powerful than the other ones.
>>63853912
>new Death Star
I just imagine that meeting.
>So hey, we need a new cool super threat to the entire galaxy. How about this time..
>SUPER DEATH STAR.
>W-what? But that would be so childish and ridic...
>SUPER. DEATH STAR.
>...
>And we're gonna call it Starkiller. The nerds are gonna love it.
>>63851478
>>63851534
>>63851572
Could you just stop using /pol/ memes? This would read much better without the volatile, impotent racism. You're right on almost everything else but it just sounds ridiculous.
>>63854192
No. You start using them. We're at war.
>>63854192
Wait, so this movie didn't make you finally realize that /pol/ was, in fact, right all along?
>>63851478
This movie isn't politically charged, your interpretation of it is. Grow the fuck up and stop using an edgy, antisocial worldview as a crutch for your insecurities.
>>63854964
>i don't see obvious political agenda thrown in my face, so i'll just pretend to be more mature
Jesus Christ, you're stupid. And ignorant. And oblivious.
