"Let's face it..."
>audience has been struggling to contain their giggling
"...theres just ONE PROBLEM with all of this!"
"Because THIS is the way they behave!"
>Footage plays of a politician absentmindedly picking up an empty water glass at a congressional hearing, and attempting to drink from it
>Audience cackles with laughter
"Seriously!"
>flails hands in front of his face
"It's like he hasn't achieved 'object permanence' yet!"
>The laughter turns into a deafening roar
"You would think!"
>struggles to shout over the top of the laughter
"YOU WOULD THiNK, IN 2015..."
"I MEAN"
"THIS BEHAVIOR WOULD BE UP THERE..."
"WITH THINGS WE DO NOT LIKE, SUCH AS"
>shrugs animatedly, with shit eating grin
"I don't Know!"
"A CAT PISSING ON THE CARPET!"
>photo of a cat superimposed to the left of the screen
>points towards area of superimposed image, raising his voice to an excited scream
"NO KITTY! BAD KITTY! YOU DO NOT PISS ON THE CARPET!!"
>audience has fallen from their seats, screaming with delight
>several members of the audience are now throwing up
"i think! You know WHAT?"
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN"
>he rises from his seat
"THE NEW MASCOT"
>streamers and balloons fall from the ceiling
"FOR CAPITOL HILL"
>an actor in a large cat suit comes out holding a giant glass of water
>several members of the audience's heads explode
>John Oliver collects his emmy, and hauls a bulging sack of money over his shoulders
>his legs detach at the waist, streams of jet fire exhaust from his lower torso as he shoots upwards through the ceiling
>lives forever on the moon, screaming at the top of his lungs.
>>63649926
>screaming laughter
DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD SING A SONG ABOUT IT?
>every member of the audience has tears and snot running down their face
YOU KNOW WHAT?
>several asthmatic audience members have collapsed into the aisles
I THINK WE SHOULD!
>a chorus line of muppets appear beside him
>balloons and confetti falls from the ceiling
>the resonant frequency from the sound causes everyone within a three hundred mile radius to have a simultaneous brain aneurysm
>>63649926
>>63650224
This is surprisingly accurate
Shoo shoo slimey limey
This is some quality 2015posting famm.
3 more weeks and we will never have to deal with this guy ever again senpai :)
>be me
>finally get tickets to John Oliver's show
>arrive and get comfortably strapped into my eChair Nutrient Harness
>a HBO employee attaches the chemical tubes into my veins, and syncs helmet to my cerebral cortex
>John Oliver comes out on stage
>feel sweet insulin feeding into my blood stream
>he smiles a hideous British smile, and I feel calm
>he begins chattering
>my Harness delivers the appropriate mixture of endorphins and seratonins
>the bib catches my drool as I observe this delightful display of color, sound and movement
>i'm laughing giddily
>his sudden serious tone catches me by surprise, and I'm barely able to discern the words "desperate farmers"
>feel terror wash over me, as the helmet stimulates the fear centres of my brain
>fortunately, the chair quickly returns my brain activity to normal
>more chemicals, the euphoria is kicking in
>more laughter
>there's music now
>something is falling on my face
>it's streamers and confetti
>my eyes roll back into my head
>pants are soaked in my own piss
>the studio lights finally go dark, and the sound dies
>I am completely exhausted from this emotional rollercoaster
>HBO employees wheel us out
>down into the basement, where we are seperated from our valuables, our heads shaved
>one by one they tip us out of our eChairs into a giant incinerator in the floor
>i feel at one with the world as I meet my fiery demise, all i can see are those teeth
>>63649926
>>63650224
>>63650931
>>63649926
>RIP my sides
way too accurate.. i didn't realise i hate jon oliver until this moment
ITS A̲L̲M̲O̲S̲T̲ 2016
COME ON
>>63650901
wait.. fill me in, is his show getting cancelled or something?
>>63650901
for real?
>>63651543
>Dec 31 2015, 11:59PM
>John Oliver chambers the round and stares down the barrel, his usual toothy grin replaced by a blank mask of despair
>"They had their chance. I told them over and over. Why didn't they listen? I mean, come on!" he asks the gun.
>The clock strikes midnight
>John squints through his glasses and over his nose at the crowd cheering below
>No -- he can't look. He knows what's coming
>He curls into a ball and plugs his ears, but it's not enough
>An eerie silence sweeps through the crowd, as the Four Klansman appear on the horizon
>The leader removes his hood with a flourish, revealing society's worst fear:
>a straight, white, cis, able-bodied, neurotypical male --
>Ben "The Walking Holocaust" Garrison
>Amid the growing murmurs of the crowd, Zyklon Ben takes a deep breath, cups his hands around his mouth, and bellows a single word:
>"NIGGERS"
>The slur hangs in the air, ringing in the ears of the shocked masses
>A lone female voice cries out: "Hey! You can't say that sort of thing! Don't you know it's 2015?"
>A smirk creeps across Ben's face. "Not anymore," he intones
>"Not anymore," whispers John Oliver, as he places the barrel in his mouth
>>63649926
>>63650224
>>63650931
>>63652483
this desssu sennnpai
>>63650931
>>63653004
its not conservatives, its the alt-right
>>63649926
Is John Oliver living Çïñêmå?
>>63650931
>>63649926
>>63650224
>>63653004
Terrible b8, m8
who did Britain have to take in a trade for this guy?
I haven't seen Carrot Top around recently which is nice.
>>63656439
I wanna know who Australia traded Rolf Harris for.
>No backsies
>>63649926
You forgot the classic anti-Semite Mel Gibson joke. Zing!
>>63656605
>traded Rolf Harris
>look up this guys wiki
>hey he wrote "tie me kangaroo down, sport", how cute
>In 2014, at the age of 84, he was jailed on twelve counts of indecent assault that took place between 1968 and 1986, on four female victims then aged between eight and nineteen.
Probably a 'pies fan
>>63656818
we're not conservatives famm, there's nothing pro-white left to conserve.
>>63651543
No. 3 more weeks and the current year changes.
>>63649926
>deafening laughter dominates the audio
YOU SEE
>fucking pipe down everyone, i can't even hear his shitty jokes
THANKS GIVING
>eh?
Is like a visit from ya mums Aunt JUDY!
>what does that even mean
Ya THINK she'd realise
You don't even LIKE star wars!
>oh
i don't WANT the star wars legos!!
NO aunt judy. NO!
>why is he screaming
>leans forward and stretches his hands out along the desk towards the camera
LET'S FACE IT!
>sharp, poorly conceived change of topic
>where is this going
IF A MAN LIKE THIS
>funny photo of george w bush eating corn on the cob
CAN BE the PRESIDENT!!
>throws his cue cards up in the air
YOU WOULD THINK
>pulls pistol out of desk drawer
IN 2015!!
>begins firing indiscriminately into the crowd
>wins ten emmys
