My local ciname has installed a no falcon policy. How do I sneak my falcon in?
Good. It's about time cinemas stood up to these pricks.
>trying to enjoy flick at local cinema bathhouse
>pay 64.95 for ticket that includes singles tax, fees, and tip (great deal)
>some asshole decides to bring his falcon
>movie starts
>stand to give pledge of allegiance
>falcon screeching while flying around theater
>forget where i am in pledge
>cinema usher notices
>calls for head cinema chaplain
>ohfuckimtoast.png
>pledge ends
>designated shooter stands to alert audience
>duck and crawl under seats as people are picked off one by one
>escape with only one bullet wound (got off easy)
never again.
>>63482663
>>63483697
>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself
>>63482663
ROTFL
>>63483810
are you asking for directions like the retard you are? It's that way: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>
go
>be american in europe
>decide go so see a movie
>unpack my kestral in order to bypass the no-singles policy
>go to the local kinöhauß to catch the latest arthouse flicque (this is what they call 'em in europe)
>''one for Hans's Miserable Life please!''
>prepare myself for the no-singles examination but in europe they apparently don't have one
>find my assigned seat
>before I sit down, I inform everyone in a loud voice that I am from america and am autistic, and that the menstral is a long story
>I hand the woman behind me a drawing of sonichu I made, in order to show them that I am not a threat
>the woman contemptuously blows cigarette smoke in my face
>everybody snickers
>man next to me smiles, he is wearing nothing but a pair of white longjohns
>film starts
>5 mins into the movie, an usher comes in and informs everyone that it's time for ''Le parte de le fuck''
>everyone takes out their government handed bottles of lube, including the children (for the age of consent in europe is 4 years old)
>they all start having sex
>man next to me stands up and I can see that his buttocks are exposed
>he squirts lube on my kestral and starts molesting it
>i try to escape but a group of jihadists storm in and start shooting
>as I run in the opposite direction I catch a glimpse of my menstral being slowly inserted into an old woman's filthy anus
>I manage to escape, but only barely
I will never again curse american cinemas.
>>63482663
2015. Doesn't have a falcon bag. Come on anon, at least make an effort.
>>63482663
Cinemas are doing this now?
I went just last week with my osprey and was even complimented on it while watching the film, I hope I won't have to smuggle it in.
tastes like otter
>>63482663
Fuck off, last night I tried to take my girlfriend to my local cinema when some fat aspie forgot his falconry glove and got blood everywhere.
>>63482663
The same way people get assault rifles in I guess
anyone else like the falcon and the snowman?
>he doesn't have a cinema falcon
>tfw your falcon keks you
>>63482663
Falcons are among the only merciful raptors on the planet.
Almost every other raptor simply uses their talons to capture their prey, and then they start plucking it, or ripping off the fur, before they start ripping into and eating chunks of flesh from the still living prey. Even if the prey squirms and shrieks in pain, the raptor doesn't care, but simply uses their talons to keep the prey from escaping while they continue to eat it alive.
Falcons, on the other hand, almost always end the life of their prey before they start eating it, and they have evolved a special notch in their beaks just for this purpose. Once they have secured the prey, they administer a killing bite, using the notch on their beaks, to the neck of their prey, which severs the spine and ensure a rapid death.
Why the fuck would you want to bring a falcon to the cinema?
>>63484490
>tfw when I have a cinema snake instead and it constricts around your belly so you can't finish your popcorn.
>some guy's falcon steals your snacks
>can't even complain because he's friends with the falconry comissioner
I really don't know what to do in this situation, anybody experience something similiar?
>>63484532
cool m7+1
>in line
>inspector says that my falcon must take a shower before entering
>go to the showers
>falcon is a grower so he's ashamed of showing his flaccid penis in public
>>63484534
To get around the No Singles Policy.
>>63484571
I've poisoned a box of side snacks before but that is an extreme solution I would not recommend. I was banned from that theater and my falcon was revoked. Now I'm stuck in a non-falcon theater.
>tfw falcon's penis inspection day
>tfw falcon is female
>tfw acussed of zoophilia and falcon gets confiscated
Have you guys ever made out with your falcon during a movie? I only have a few times when I'm seeing a romantic film, everybody else in the theatre is being close and I start to sweat and feel left out so I have French kissed my falcon on a couple of occasions just so I don't don't get noticed by the NSP guards.
>>63484669
How do you handle the dance intermissions? Surely the ushers would notice you didn't actually bring a partner aside from your falcon
>>63483985
pretty good
>>63484750
My CF (cinema falcon) is surprisingly feminine looking after I've given her the once over with my mom's makeup bag. There is no change of anyone thinking she is anything other than a perfectly normal human female.
>tfw you realize that when you take your mandatory cinema shower everyone will see the falcon you stashed under your clothes
>>63485008
shower at home
How do you guys pass the polygraph test?
>>63482663
tell them you have PTSD and it's a companion pet and according to the ADA they have to let you in with him.
I feel weird seeing shit when Octavius isn't there with me.
>>63485068
>mandatory
you could show up with a perfect record of health (i bring mine anyway just in case) and will still have to shower.
>>63485008
Cinema shower intermissions are the worst.
>go to take shower
>try to do it as fast as possible
>get to the showers before anyone else, undress as fast as I can and start washing
>suddenly a bunch of women come in
>I accidentally went into the female shower room
>they all laugh at my tiny penis and grotesque body
>I slip several times as I am running away crying
I haven't gone to the cinema in over 6 months now
>>63483697
>>63483861
>>63483985
I love this meme
Does anyone have a spare falcon I can borrow? I can only afford a parrot. It stays in my wife and her bull's room, so I have to hear it moan "Oh, Tyrone" throughout the fílṁ.
>>63483697
>escape with only one bullet wound (got off easy)
This fucking pleb got hit hahaha
>>63482663
>bring my Falcon Montalban to see Goosebumps
>a group of 20 or so boys around age 10 are there
>they all brought budgies
>all holding up one finger horizontally so their budgies can see
>remove Montalban's falconry hood
>he lets out a cry and snatches up the whole row of budgies in one fell swoop
>drops a pile of 20 dead budgies into the aisle and flies back to my glove
>kids start crying
>cinema ninja crawls over and tells all the kids to leave
pretty good flick
Any good films you can recommend to my wife's son?
>>63485336
Star Wars VII
>>63485243
I find a kestral to be a good compromise.
If you're really short of money and are tired of your parrot, get a dog. Really, they are amazing to take to the cinema, you can get past the no-singles policy really easily, especially if you pretend to be blind.
>vacation in canada
>fucking cinema beavers divert a stream and start building a dam it's impossible to focus on the damn movie
>>63484532
Probably so the prey doesn't run, not really mercy as we know it
>>63485336
He black ain't he ?
>>63483810
this is /b/ tier not reddit
>>63485577
I prefer to call him devoid of privilege
>>63485682
how do you know what reddit is like?
i dont understand this cinema falcon meme, how would you even take a shower if you have your falcon with you?
>>63485883
you put the falcon in the falcon bag.
don't tell me you didn't get the falcon bag.
>>63485816
there is some funny shit occasionally
Like the time tim heidecker was lambasting people on the "tim and eric" subreddit under a pseudonym
>>63485329
Damn, that Cinema Ninja is hot.
>>63483985
>man next to me smiles, he is wearing nothing but a pair of white longjohns
I found this very funny for some reason
>>63486104
The only time I've been to reddit was to check that as I love Tim and not only was it an absolute shithole, that wasn't Tim at all.
>>63486129
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAJySOso584
waifu
>>63485916
some idiot got them banned from the showers because he used them to smuggle soap instead of buying it from the shower cart
>>63486156
i remember it being established that it was.
it wasnt?
>at cinéma watching the dark knight rises
>dance intermission comes on
>try to sneak into the theatre showers before they notice you didn't bring a gf (no couples policy in effect)
>want a delicious crab leg to munch on while the normies dance during the middle of the film
>crab leg vendor is only selling stargazy tonight
>One night at theatre
>watching the Dark Knight rises
>Have to pee really badly
>Still 3 hours until Dance intermittence
>Don't want to miss a scene
>Drop my watch on the ground
>lay down on the floor and act like I'm reaching under the seat
>As I'm down there, I pull out my dick and begin to piss on the floor
>Smirking at my own ingenuity
>Suddenly a blood hurdling scream is heard
>Women next to me looks horrified and stands up to run
>She slips on my piss puddle falls down face first into some kids hot nachos
>Kid screams as her face is being scalded, im still mid piss
>security runs in and see the whole scene
>About to get arrested when suddenly a man with green hair begins shooting the actors on the screen
>Everybody panics and I get away Scott free
gb2/reddit
>go to the cinema
>realize I forgot my sack of roaches mixed with rats and pidgeons
>go to local cinema
>specifically go to a matinee to avoid penis inspection, no-singles, falcons, all that bullshit
>it's pretty nice, almost nobody is there
>squat rack is actually free for once
>load up 135 to warm up (recovering from injury, haven't gone heavy in awhile)
>immediately, some teenage DYEL comes up and asks how many sets I have left
>tell him that I'm warming up and I'll do 3 after that
>asks if he can work in
>tell him it'll be a pain to re-rack everything between sets, so no
>he leaves
>as I'm about to start he comes back with the fucking projectionist
>says they won't start the film until I let him work in since it's their policy
>now I'm the bad guy
>tell him fine, he can work in
>he just stands there and smiles
>ask if he's gonna squat or what
>he pulls out a gun and shoots me, turns out he was the shooter the whole time
>don't even get a refund on my ticket
>go to cinema
>sitting there watching a flick with my falcon
>she starts crying because it's ''that'' time of the year
>cinema ninja shows up
>have to flee cinema because he is writhing on me
it turned out later he wasn't even a legitimate cinema ninja, he was just some guy in a gimp suit who hated falcons.
What kind of body armor is recommended for wearing to the cinema? Do some places offer a rental service?
Bunch of plebs.owls are the cinema's raptor of choice for the patrician.
Their nocturnal nature is much more adapted to the theatre darkness.
I have personally trained my great horned owls to hunt for snack during the movie.he is so silent that most of the time the victim didn't even realize what happened.
Bald eagle are also a valid choice for theatre falconry, they are very efficient at bringing crab legs
>the past two weeks have been rough, haven't been able to sleep and been drinking too much
>sit in a local pub drinking a couple of beers
>open /tv/ on phone, open this thread
>laugh out loud like this is the funniest thing ever, other customers look like me and shake their heads
goddamn it i really have to get a grip
>tfw the shooting starts before the credits
Had to download a shitty rip to see the ending.
>go to my local kino
>turns out they introduced a new terror policy
>instead of your devoted designated theater shooter they now hire low cost muslim suicide bombers
>place is a mess after each bombing
fuck this i'm voting trump
>>63483697
>Your cinema's designated shooter uses hallow points
I mean, he's a bad shot so you're fine if you sit in the back, but still, it's incredibly rude. Does anyone else have this issue?
>>63487562
My cinema's designated theater shooter shot my falcon out of the air. I tried filing a complaint against him but my testimony was deemed unreliable since I failed my last 2 penis inspections.
>>63487289
Full plate armor, go for extra thick so you can be safe. Also install some kind of peebootle system inside it, its comfy as fuck
>go to cinema to watch cute animal movie
>turn on my David Attenborough hologram to explain stuff
>fuck boy next to me complains it's too loud
>tell him to fuck off and throw a penny in his general direction
>usher blasts in on his cinema scooter
>usher grabs me then rides to the outside while dragging me from behind
>banned for life
>>63487621
>Not paying the extra 10$ for falcon armor
>>63487621
Shit, that's rough. They banned those inspections when my county converted over to Sharia law. It's okay, it's also way easier to get around the no singles policy when every girl needs a man to accompany them but there's 5 intermissions during every movie for prayer now.
>Decide to go see the Memento remake
>Ticket ripper says something but when I look back at him his mouth is gone
>Go to Snak Ckiosk to buy some kernels and sugar water for $24.99
>Find viewing room 105 on the basement floor, which was odd because 1xx rooms were usually ground level
>Take seat all the way in back, notice it's empty except for the cinema wizard seated in his balcony
>Torches and braziers go out, hear projector being cranked and the movie starts
>So engrossed in the movie I forget to take a sip of my drink until halfway through the movie
>Realize they put in baking soda by mistake instead of sugar
>Stand up to go get a refill
>Cinema wizard starts squealing like a stuck pig, the stars and crescents on his pointy hat lighting up red.
>security rushes into the room with riot shields and flails
>They break my legs and detain me for the night in a pitch black maintenance closet
>Complain to manager that rats kept nibbling on my exposed tibia
>Don't even get a refund
>>63487753
>not reaching into his ammo pouch and swapping his bullets with confetti
post yfw the loaner theatre falcons got out of their cages and into the air ducts
how do you meme masters write this shit?
>>63487913
>just recalling memories
>>63485744
>>63487890
>when the cinema guards compliment your kevlar vest and ballistic shield
yeeeeeah motherfuckers, no more pleb-grade rental shield for me!
>>63485283
You must have a shit designated cinema shooter
>>63487827
>going to Canadian theaters
>>63484532
Probably an adaptation to a particular prey they either currently hunt or hunted in the past.
I highly doubt it's an evolved form of empathy toward prey.
>>63482663
>you will never own a falcon bomber
Why live desu?
>>63486467
>rats and pigeons
You ruined the snack you fucktard
>local theater has a NSP
>get there late so all the Ticket Girls are taken
>the only guy milling about is wearing all black and carrying a duffel bag that is obviously full of guns or explosives
Anyone else hate this?
>>63488191
>anyone else hate the designated theatre shooter
That's like saying you hate crab legs
>in line for concessions
>designated cinema shooter is behind me, tries to start some small talk
>afraid to say something wrong because he'll target me for sure then
Is it rude to tip him in this situation?
>>63488323
it doesn't guarantee your safety, but it could help. better safe than sorry.
>>63488112
You mean sympathy.
>>63488323
the guide someone posted a while back says always tip at least 15% to DTSes if you meet him before a show, 10% to TTs, 20% to TGs (don't be a cheapass), and let the concession servant have a bit of whatever you're eating
>>63488400
>TTs
>TGs
What? Sorry new to kinogoing here
>>63488497
Ticket Takers and Ticket Girls (some people say TG for Ticket Guards? which is stupid, but what can you do senpai)
my theater is one of those gimmicky ones with a trapezist usher so there are no falcons allowed, you can take your capuchin monkey tho, as long as you buy the theaters on the theater petshop, you cant take your own inside.
Anyone have experience with using hawks instead of falcons?
I thought they might be a little better since they are smaller and less aggressive.
>finally get a gf to bring to the kinema
>falcon loses the will to live and dies weeks later
I'm sorry bro.
>>63488806
kestrels before cute girls, anon
>>63488732
I tried a hawk and it got attacked, killed, and eaten by other patrons' falcons partway through the crab feast during the pre-screening showers
>>63488732
>Using hawks instead of falcons
What is this 2005? With an increase in most cinema's size over the years a bigger raptor was clearly an up and coming necessity
I'm sure you can just trade in your hawk for a falcon, just talk to the designated shooter, he'll know where to direct you
>>63482663
>go to my local arthouse cinema
>Nowadays I have to tip my shower attendant generously so I can get a fresh bar of soap, not some used up one that's been up hundreds of assholes.
>drum up small talk with people sitting next to me to fool the NSP drones.
>Designated shooter jumps the gun, starting his rampage way too far before the 3/4 mark.
>Doesn't even try to fire off a single shot at me, I don't even have to use a dead body for cover to make it out unscathed.
>Complain to the manager about my subpar theater shooting.
>Apparently if you don't buy a deluxe theater ticket ($108 +tax and tip) you have to bring a gun and shoot yourself during the film.
Disappointing AFTBQHWY, is anyone else having trouble with designated shooter unions in their theaters? Apparently they're bringing in muslims now who'll do it for way less.
I'm considering getting a bat. Do you recommend this or is it just a fad?
Would a low-end fruit bat be too large for a beginner?
>>63488924
I forgot to say - one good thing that came out of it was that after they ate my hawk, the other patrons' falcons were penalized 75 points each for not finishing their crab legs. I won the shower derby by a lot.
>>63488924
This, >>63488957, goes for you too, should've done your research before you wasted your money
>>63486184
>>63486156
>>63486104
>>63488989
Just apply for the designated shooter spot yourself. If you have a spotless cinema record (no failed inspections, never raised suspicions among tower guards and sniffing dogs etc.) chances are they will consider you for the job.
That's assuming your cinema license is at least 5 years old and valid but that should go without saying.
>>63482663
Just start a shooting as a diversion. Alternatively, hide it in your Starbucks cup.
>>63487404
No you don't anon, just laugh it out. I've been there before.godspeed anon <3
The worst part is the pre-movie penis inspection. The ticket master lifts up your penis and smells it. I hope mine doesn't stink this time.
>>63489031
Bats are sneaky fuckers. They can hide anyway and play dead so you don't notice them.
>>63482663
in all seriousness where did the falcon and crab-legs meme come from
>go to watch harry potter
>theater filled with owls
>>63489274
Have any of your local kinos switched over to a panel of judges for the penis inspections?
Mine has three judges, a chief judge, and a score tabulator for the pre-screening penis inspection, one judge for the dance intermission check-up, and a full 11 judge panel for the post-screening inspection.
>>63485070
>>63485070
tack in the shoe. learned that one from Ocean's Eleven
>>63485070
I hold my breath for 3 minutes before hand so my heart starts beating rapidly and they can't differentiate when I'm lying or not.
>>63489088
I would, but I feel like there's a lot of discrimination in the designated shooter hiring process, and I think the ACLU has done a poor job of putting a spotlight on it.
I have never met a non-white designated shooter. It's like they don't know the current year or something.
>>63489325
Its always some jackasses trying to be clever
>Harry Potter
Owls
>Pirates of Caribbean
Parrots and a few sparrows
>Lotr/hobbit
Eagles
>Every fucking vampire movie ever
Bats
>>63490201
>that one faggot who would bring his pet monkey to planet of the apes.
>>63482663
>MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmerica
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bhITpTtG888
>>63490201
>Every fucking vampire movie ever and batman
Fixd
My rewatch experience of TDKR was completly ruined by all the bats flying arround screaming , I couldn't even hear CIA's iconic lines
>>63486104
>Like the time tim heidecker was lambasting people on the "tim and eric" subreddit under a pseudonym
POST THE LINK MOTHER FUCKER.p-pretty please.
>In the theater showers with my falcon
>naked concession stand girl comes in
>forgot I was in unisex showers
>she says it's surprise penis inspection
>just got circumcised, will have to pay fine
>just kidding, she says, I Just thought you had a cool falcon
>falcon starts barfing up popcorn
>at the cinema
>its time for the mid movie dance recital
>been dreading this all day because I didn't practice at all
>after the croise devant we were supposed to entrechat quatre towards corner 3
>I went corner 2 instead
>afterwards the cutest girl in the room told me I have no ballon
>the Chad she was with performs a grand jeté and drags her away to fuck her
>everyone saw
>they two little kids behind me threw pieces of their beef wellington at the back of my head for the rest of the movie
>was too beta to tell them to stop
just fucking kill me
>>63490261
>thinking that lady liberty has sent one of her beautiful children to bless this gathering
>hopes dashed when we forget to open the windows
>mfw the Eagles Curse descends on all attendants
>>63490836
Does your kino only do a recital?
Mine does a full-blown competition, with divisions and a full judging panel.
>>63484374
top meme
>>63485336
Network is really good, if he's old enough for minor political content and some sex scenes.
>>63485070
I don't shit for three days beforehand and make sure I'm turtleheading before I take the test. The combination of constant sphincter clenching and the nauseating stench make it easy to pass.
>>63485164
At least your cinema doesn't do mandated penis inspection intermission.
>>63493132
I'm pretty sure all cinemas do that, m8
>Mfw I see my falcon meme being posted
>DUDE FALCOLNS LMAO
looks like winter break is right on schedule
>>63482663
Peregrines are truly the best falcon.
A couple are hanging out in my backyard.
>>63493321
What fucking school did you go to that started winter break this early?
>>63493428
One week to go for me.
>>63483697
needs more clapping, pledge was nice touch, 5/10 meme tbqh fann
I just know my falcon will start clapping once he sees the millenium falcon and also after the movie next thursday
so damn embarrassing
>go to the movie theater
>buy ticket at box office
>go inside
>buy a large popcorn and soda
>they have Coca-Cola Freestyle
>get mix between Vanilla and Orange Coke
>put tons of butter on popcorn and a little bit of salt
>give ticket to ticket-taker
>he rips it and gives me back the smaller tag
>"third on your right"
>go down hallway to third venue on my right
>find a good seat near the back and middle
>get comfy
>trailers start
>after 2 trailers, the movie starts
>half and hour in some asshole comes in and decides to gun the theater down
>I'm injured but he leaves before he can finish me off
>recover in the hospital for 3 weeks
>my bill comes out
>$942.53 plus tax
>I didn't even like the movie
Thanks Obama.
>>63494170
>942.53 for three weeks in a hospital
You're about 2 orders of magnitude out buddy
>go to cinema
>brought homemade falcon food
>confiscated during mandatory pat down and penis inspection
>have to dish out another $15 for falcon food plus tip
>falcon refuses to eat it
>have to give it crabs legs because that's all I had
>not allowed to take post-movie shower because I don't have that many crumbs on me
Could be worse, last time our shooter's weapon jammed.
>>63494222
Fuck, $95,000 for 3 weeks in hospital? Do Americans REALLY do this?!
>>63494298
I'm a yuro living in the states. Got elbowed in the jaw playing basketball, went to the doctor a week later because it was still swollen. He prescribed me ibufuckingprofen. Took less than 15 minutes. I was billed 430 dollars. Not even kidding. Thankfully I have health insurance so I paid nothing (other than the health insurance itself which was pretty expensive).
>>63494379
That's fucking bullshit. Time to movie to Viking- I mean Mudslime Land.
>>63485070
what do you think the falcon is for?
>>63494429
More Mudslimes but free healthcare and education. Or less mudslimes but you get shafted by "healthcare" and university fees. I don't know which place is better
>>63486181
>paying for soap
>not being a cinema shower premium gold member
The $69.99 per month + tip subscription is totally worth it.
>>63494379
He probably charged so much because you left a shitty tip last time tbqhwy familia.
Maybe you'll be more conscientious in the future.
>go to movie in america
>as credits roll all the falcons start flapping
really amerilards? I thought that was just a meme.
>>63482663
That's odd, my theater still hasn't enforced the no albatross policy. Maybe I'm just lucky I live in a small town where having my trusty albatross perched on my shoulder isn't frowned upon when I enjoy cinéma.
>>63494379
>he didn't tip the doctor
hope you like getting shot by the designated hospital shooter next time you visit
>My wife needs her "Alone time" I dunno why the fuck she calls it that since whenever I leave three or four cars pull into my driveway blasting rap but anyway
>Decide to treat myself and take her son with me to see a flick at the local kino
>It's falcon night so me and her son stand out like sore thumbs
>Despite some cruel ribbing and a 60% mandatory tip increase we manage to get in
>Penis inspection goes well and I get my first C+ (That's 60% for you euros)
>We find our seats and the movie starts
>The flick has no real interesting juxtapositioning or deep metaphysical analysis of the human condition but my wifes son seems to be enjoying himself
>The other patrons falcons take most of my crap legs before I even get a bite
>The cinema shooter jumps the gun and arrives well before the shower intermission
>He slips in a clump of falcon shit by the door and lands on his back
>Everyone in the Kino is trying to hold back their laughter
>The shooter runs out crying
>I feel bad so I follow him out into the parking lot to give him a consolation tip
>He thanks me and kisses me passionately on the mouth
>The semi it gave me counted as a micro aggression to the judges and I got a D- on my post dance intermission penis inspection
How the fuck am I going to live this down? My wifes son is definitely going to tell her about this
>cute girl I used to know suddenly chats me up, asks if I want to see a movie
>finally I won't be stuck in the singles section
>we get there, I buy tickets
>just before we get to the pre-movie showers
>turns out she's the surprise penis inspector
>of course it was a setup
>she finds the sour cream I tried to sneak in in my foreskin
>says she'll let me off the hook for $500
>fuck it decide to watch the movie anyway
>some rom-com bullshit
>guy sitting behind me jerking off
>nuts all over my crab legs
>my falcon instinctively attacks
>he pulls out his gun
>he's an undercover theater shooter
>falcon takes a hit, still fucking attacking
>try to make a break for it, get shot in the leg
>falcon is relentless, rips the fucker's eyes out
>trip over a live octopus, black out
>wake up in the hospital
>insurance won't cover this
>theater shooter is suing
>penis inspector asking for more hush money
oh boy, how do I get out of this one?
>>63494805
You send your falcon back to finish the job, dumbass. Falcons kill theater shooters and penis inspectors every day, it won't point back to you so long as you've trained your falcon in the arts of misdirection and ruse. I'm assuming you have, though, nobody dumb enough not to would have even made it out of that theater alive.
>>63494519
definitely worth the investment
>have to dance with the usher during the dance intermission because they noticed I came alone
There is nothing more embarrassing
>>63495813
I hope you tipped xir very well, at least.
>>63495678
This
>>63482663
>Ending a sentence in a preposition.
>Take pre-movie shower
>One of my buddies came with me to get past the singles policy
>Had to pay for his ticket
>He says he wants to go to the theater to reserve two seats
>See no problem, but carrying two buckets of crab legs and hot budder dipping sauce is pretty tricky
>Get turned around but eventually find the right theater
>Compatriot calls me over
>Walk up the sand dunes to our seats
>Walk over to him
>The fucking seat he reserved for me is behind one of the stupid fucking marble statues
>Try to get him to switch seats with me since I paid for his ticket
>He refuses
>mfw the designated shooter begins the shooting while the trailers are playing
>mfw he doesn't shoot near the marble statues because he's afraid of damaging company property
>mfw I switch seats with my buddy's corpse
>mfw Obenhauser was Blofeld
6.5/10 might do again
>>63494805
Why didn't your falcon eat the octopus? And since when are octos allowed in cinemas?
>>63496159
>in a preposition
>get tired of always having crab
>sneak fried chicken into theater
>get accused of eating fried Falcon
>try to explain the size is wrong of it to be Falcon
>still get kicked out
>did not even get to see the first shooting
I should of just stuck with the classic movie snack of crab..
>>63494379
I passed out at work once because i was sick and shouldnt have came in but all the ladies at my work call an ambulance anyway. The paramedics did the same fucking tests three fucking times and it showed nothing. But they freaked out at me and told me I had to go when i said i wasnt getting in the ambulance and was just sick. One paramedic was extra cunty and was like "hurr you could die" so I was forced to go to the hospital and surprise surprise i was perfectly fine after they did the same fucking 2 more times and was in and out of the hospital in 20 minutes. I got a bill a week or so for about $1,200. I was so fucking furious. Im actually considering being a liberal pussy because this is so fucking ridiculous.
>>63496395
>Watching a movie in Aus
>Half the film is supposed to be censored
>Projectionist doesn't know how to skip the censored parts
>Usher makes us go onto the highway nearby and pick up rubbish while those parts are on
>Can't come back in until I find 20 pieces of rubbish
>Can only find 13
>everyone else is back in to watch the film
>Finally get piece 20
>As I come up to the usher people start walking out again
>He tells me I'll need another 20 pieces
Fuck at least in America despite the shower intermissions and penis inspections you actually get to watch the fucking film (provided the designated shooter doesn't jump the gun).
>>63496912
This is actually a reason I support universal healthcare, obnoxious shit like this can and does happen pretty frequently. The healthcare industry is fucked.
This entire thread feels like a reference to something I've never seen. That or just a joke thatmuch like a falconhas flown over my head.
>>63497672
The falcons don't fly overhead in the theatres you moron. They have to travel through the gulleys between the seats, so they can knock and spill any cups that aren't cinema regulation.
>>63494379
>euros are so fragile they go to the doctor when they get bumped in the head
>they have to be prescribed aspirin
all the best drugs are on the street in burgerland
anybody else bringing any protection to that new star wars movie everyone is talking about?
jesus christ this board turned to garbage. literally reddit 2.0
>>63498909
Quality post
>>63498998
fuck off
>>63483810
>>63486363
>>63489086
>>63498909
It is as these enlightened gentlemen have said, all of you have been rused OP is a samefagging piece of shit who had those greentexts ready and whose sole purpose is to garner upvotes at the shithole known r/4chan.
Over the past weeks there have been several of these threads indicating an infiltration or invasion by said cancerous board.
>>63499595
*site.Ibetalloffaggotspostthereanway
>>63499595
>I don't like something so it's from reddit
>>63498683
I'm sneaking a .32 in famalam, like the Boy Scouts say always be prepared
>>63497438
Ugh don't get me started on Aussie projectionists
>Go to British cinema
>preliminary tea party is all good, no hitches
>get in the carrige to be taken to the viewing parlor(I booked a box for my swan and I)
>waiting ages for the movie to start
>Turns out the telecom communication from Big Ben had been severed so the bongs signalling the film's start wouldn't be transmitted, we would have to listen for the bongs by ear
>Hear clock chimes, can't be big Ben, the sound is too close
>its a clockwork jihad bomb
Fuck cinemas
>>63482663
Under your foreskin obviously. You're, you're not circumcised are you anon?
>>63483861
I'm in public and can't fucking contain myself. This is hands down the best meme /tv/ has ever invented.
>go to French cinema
>compulsory smoking policy
>have to sing the national anthem because of the Paris attacks
>it's a WWII story about the resistance but all the actors are naked
>cant see the film behind my tears because of the smoke
>slowly dying of asphyxiation, thinking of my glorious bald eagle that had to be killed because of the no american symbol policy
>>63484534
Bringing an eagle would just be silly.
