>be american
>waiting in line for vat of melted butter at the cinema
>the guard in the watchtower shines his spotlight on you
>get shot
>the loaner falcons don't listen to your whistling
Do they even train the loaner falcons anymore nowadays?
>Be French
>Waiting for my favorite song
>Eagles of Death Metal rock!! hon hon!!
>Oh look some nice immigrants enjoying the show.
>Oh firewor- - -
>be american
>going through penis inspection at the cinema
>loaner falcon starts biting my dick
>>63138232
>hon hon
Every time I think I want to be in a relationship with Eva Green I remember this and it kills it
lmao oh god I love these meme theater threads
pls keep the greentexts comin!
>take a bite off my my pocket stick of butter
>wash it down with liquefied bacon
>get shot
>clap
>be american
>walk outside, ready to enjoy a brand new, beautiful day in the land of the free and the home of the brave
>all of a sudden a terrorist starts speaking 3rd worlder at me
>whip out my gun at shoot him in the face
>hop on my eagle and fly away, feeling proud that i can do my part to keep my country safe from islam
>>63138020
>Be Vietnamese
>Waiting for movie to start
>Watch the first trailer
>"It Ain't Me" starts playing
>want to see a movie at the cinema
>movie insurance only covers movies at theaters
JUST
>>63138020
>be (insert western country)
>waiting in line for (butter bacon bits, Islamic prayer mat, black bull)
>(police, shooter, Imam, interracial breeding ground enforcer) spots you
>be swedish
>waiting in line for vat of melted meatballs at the cinema
>the IS guard in the watchtower shines the bright light of Allah on my face
>someone taps my shoulder
>its my wifes boyfriend Jamal
>he bends me over and ravages my ass
>my wifes biyfriends mother arrives with my sons mother and her wife
>they start urinating on me
>in comes my mothers husband and my daughters five black boyfriends
>they start throwing memes at me
>start spinning around 500 miles per hour
>burrow into the center of the earth
>burn to death
>cinema showers run out of hot water
>Go to Theatre downtown
>Brought my falconette (Lisa) to get past the no singles policy (We're common law married)
>They let me in no problems
>No Theater operator is Muslim and has banned popcorn because it's not halal
>I ask for some sort of replacement snack
>He pulls a huge, 20 pound bag of imported, uncooked rice onto the counter
>He fills my cup with dry grains of rice and tells me it's just a s good
>Okay fine, I take it but I ask for some Live Mice to feed Lisa, my wife
>Mice are halal too (what the fuck?)
>Ask for another replacement
>He gives me some live Death's-head Hawkmoths, "the jew of the animal world" (???)
>Take Lisa and out snacks to the shower room
>Men's showers are broken so I have to use the birdbath with Lisa
>It's dirty, stagnant, and filled with litter
>Finally get to out seats after our gross bath
>Jem and the Holograms, things seem good so far
>Liza DOES NOT like the moths, I try to calm her down but she starts screeching and circling, looking for prey (luckily it was only us in the theater)
>I try eating the rice grains, it's fucking hard
>halfway through the flick I get the "grumpy dumpies"
>Run to the bathroom and shoot buckshot out my ass because of the undigested rice
>I pass out from rectal bleeding in the stall
>Lisa found me 4 hours later
>Get fined for the mess: $5,000 plus 75% tip
Question: Do theaters that cater to falcons allow falcons to bring their own theater humans along?
>go to film blockade with friend
>designated snack hoarder
>shuffle through the dmz checkpoints trying not to sweat and remain calm
>theater upgraded to snack sniffing dogs
>mfw
>>63138938
Only if the humans skin is smeared with poop and naked
>>63138938
Check with the theater ahead of time to see if they have a NSP (No Simians Policy)
>>63138453
>this goitered usher comes and tries to take my order while I'm sitting down
>he keeps bumping against the pickle and chutney trolleys
>order extra crab legs, don't expect him to remember I said no butter
>he falls in the chocolate fountain trying to get out
>go to cinema
>decide to bring my crab instead of falcon to bypass NSP since crabbro hasn't been out in a while
>buy ticket, go to concessions conveyer belt
>looking at options, crabbro sees options for delicious crab leg bucket
>he starts pincing my tested less and scrwe ching
"Sir you'll have to remove your crab from the theater"
>sigh, go all the way back home to get falcon
>get crab legs
>barely make it into the movie before androids are released
>androids search the crowds for firearms
>one man gets angry and begins firing
>falconbro and I duck behind my ballistic shield
>androids finally subdue the assailant
>falcons are happy, start shitting on the screen
>one falcon shits into the servos of 5he android that confiscated the gun
>android malfunctions, begins firing on the crowd
>still safe behind my ballistic shield
>theatre penis inspected arrives to investigate
>android complies for inspection
>does not pass as it posseses no penis
>android is removed from the theater
It's good to be American sometimes
>>63138883
Lel
>go to local cinema
>wait in line
>armored personnel point laser at me
>apparently selected for a mandatory piss test
>escorted to bathrooms and have to piss in a cup
>wait for a few minutes till the cinema doctor arrives
>give him my cup
>he takes a sip and smacks his lips for a few seconds
>says to me with heavy persian accent "you OK"
>don't have my tip card so write him a check for a 2790% tip
movie was ok. at least they had soap in the showers.
>>63138423
>hon hon
Elaborate.
> go to the local cinema
> ask for lard on my popcorn
> they only have butter
>>63139222
>>63139220
It's how french people laugh
>>63139199
I raffed
>>63139222
> go to local cinema
> ask for butter on ym popcorn
> the only have butter flavored canola oil
>walk into theater with a papier-mâché dummy of a friend I used to have
>surprisingly, manage to pass level one security
>level two security is a bit more scrutinous, but they let me pass anyway
>walk up to the smallest concessions kiosk
>spaghetti salesman says all they have left is macaroni, popcorn, and pretzel bites
>I order the pretzel bites, and the cashier mentions that my "friend is looking a little pale
>Out of panic, I punch him in the face, setting off the concessions kiosk alarm
>I quickly grab my pretzel bites and duck into the theater, trying to snag a seat in the middle of the aisle (also known as the "Chads/Stacys" aisle)
>Creed starts, and it's fairly enjoyable
>around the middle of the movie the lights come back on, and they pause the movie
>falcons in the shooter's aisle start going nuts
>"Uh, Ladies and gentlemen, we've been advised that there's a guest with a papier mache dummy somewhere within your ranks, please detain him using the cuffs provided under your seat if you find him. Thank you."
>everyone in the Chad/Stacy aisle is pulling their cuffs out, I'm slowly tearing a hole in my dummy to retrieve my gun
>guy next to me remarks "Boy, I sure hope they catch that papier-mâché toting freak soon. Those things are so fucking real it's scary."
>I panic again, punching my hole in the dummy and pulling out my glock
>it becomes an all-out showdown, Chads and Stacys getting blown out left and right by the shooter's aisles
>I kill a shooter for his much nicer AK-47, and blast my way out towards the exit.
Ah well. How was Creed, anyway?
>be english
>go to cinema
>getting spotted dick at the snack counter
>random penis inspection
>failed/ uncut
>bow to the east or get stoned by mob
>missed movie
>cinema chairs have restraints that don't unlock until the movie finishes, or unless you manage to catch the cinema guard's attention as he walks through the aisle so he can unlock it
>piss my pants because i'm stuck in the middle of the row and too scared to speak up
>hear girls behind me gagging and whispering
>stuck as i feel my urine soaking into my paints and my chairly slowly through the rest of the movie
These threads are the only good thing on /tv/ these days
>>63139199
>not 'thats a 10'
>be sperglord
>no friends
>no gf
>dont go to cinema
>go to cinema
>about to have pre-screening shower
>guard asks me to step outside
>my condor has been arrested for video piracy
>be German
>want to see the new forklift documentary Gabelstapler 4 in cinema
>get stopped by jew police because my Volkswagen emits too much gas
>have to walk 6 million steps in shame, apologising for WWII
>brings me closer to the cinema, at least
>can only enter if I pray to Angela Merkel and the Qur'an
>get my crab legs with Bretzeln and a barrel of Sauerkraut
>theater is packed with refugees in sleeping bags
>want to be friendly as greet them saying "Grüß Gott!"
>they complain at the designated cinema construction site because I hurt their feelings
>two guys who wanted to work while watching the movie come over and beat me up
>make me sign a contract that I give my house to refugees
>even eat my Sauerkraut
>I leave ashamed, apologising for what I did on my way out
>watch Gabelstapler 3 at home instead
Great movie, honestly. Especially the part where he has to work extra hours.
>get to the theater in time for the joust
>Knights charge down the aisle and collide with a terrific impact as lowly garbed usher serfs chivvy the moviegoers to their seats and pass out bits of roasted rabbit
>falcon sees the animal crest on one knight and takes flight, only to be struck by a sliver of wood from a broken lance and killed instantly
>wood slivers fall in my buttered crab legs
saw Inside Out, it was good but I didn't think much of the initial premise to begin with
>>63139199
>mfw the designated shooter of today was the cinema doctor
funny how he saved the people he shot at after he was done
>Go to theatre in America
>Pass penis inspection
>New policy - we have to pass a math exam while taking using the in-theatre showers
>fail
>>63138655
We've got one who can see here
>>63139693
Finally blacks get a taste of discrimination too
God i'm so glad i saved the last three threads with the extremely surreal lovecraftian scenarios in them
>>63139689
>designated shooter
>ask for centaur meat
>they only have human and horse meat salami
Why even live?
>want to see new Avengers movie
>bring cat to cinema to get around NSP
>tickets for two, $300 + tip
>make it through security x-ray without trouble
>cat does not like the showers, almost claws my face open
>eventually manage to finish showering
>move on to penis inspection
>turns out the cat clawed at my dick too
>fail penis inspection
>thrown out of theater
>get cat declawed
