>go up to the cashier at theater
>ask for the freshest onion sack
>"sold out" yet again
>mfw my cinema NEVER has enough in stock
>go to concession stand at theater
>ask for largest bucket of crab legs they offer
>"sorry, this is a halal vegan theater"
>have to settle for bundle of raw kale
>my falcon won't even eat it
>go to concession stand as soon as I get into the cinema
>forced to buy two buckets of popcorn because no-singles policy applies to snacks here too
>forgot to hit the cinema showers first
>have to shower while trying to avoid getting the popcorn wet
>one of the buckets gets completely soaked
>manage to save the other bucket
>usher shows me to my seat
>give the usher the mandatory 18% gratuity and he leaves
>reach in for big handful of popcorn
>find a bunch of pubic hairs that aren't mine
>usher returns to ask me why I put my pubes in the popcorn
>try to explain
>get escorted to penis inspection area
>get shot
>dance intermission starts
>tell the usher I'm the designated shooter
>he leaves me alone so I can "concentrate on my target"
>don't have to dance
I know it's a dirty trick but it works every time.
>>63017089
>aiming with left eye
>shoulder rifle in the right
>>63017320
>he's not an Ultimate Usher Punch Card Club Member
>Enter the theater a few minutes before my friends
>Mistaken for a Single
>Forced to watch from inside a glass bulletproof box because I'm a safety hazard
>want to see the new James Bond
>the theatre requires me to write them a 60 word essay on the motivations of Bond to buy a ticket
>due next week
>haven't even started
Someone fucking kill me.
>walk into theatre
>be american
>get shot
>>63017757
You have to be pretty dumb to walk into a cinéma without your full-body protection gear. They even let you rent it if you didn't bring some from home.
>>63017757
>not wearing your lvIIIa armor to the theater
>>63017352
flawless
/r/4chan does it again!
>want to see latest Teenage Vampire Detectives movie in theaters
>despite being female, I'm pretty sure I'm over the Maximum Privilege Rating
>black friend agrees to pretend to be my girlfriend to get around that and No Singles Policy
>get to theater, go through security xray
>so far so good
>proceed to privilege checkpoint
>black "girlfriend" makes it through unquestioned
>I try to go through, but the alarm goes off
>forgot about my appearance privilege
>remove contacts, put on my glasses, allowed through
>think I'll get to move on to the showers
>nope
>overweight, balding, sweaty 40-something man stops me
>"you didn't stop at the vagina inspection station"
>what
>apparently theater just instated a mandatory penis/vagina inspection policy
>I'm on my period
>oh fuck no
>Hector the Vagina Inspector/Child Molester strips me down, situates me in inspection booth
>OPEN THE GATES OF HELL
>torrential rain of blood flows from my vagina
>sprays some transdemikin in penis inspection, they start screaming "TRANSMISOGYNY!"
>Social Justice Police try to come to the rescue but quickly drown in my menstrual fluids
>falcons separate from their owners/renters en masse to feast on my blood clots
>pandemonium ensues
>some douche pulls the fire alarm
>theater evacuated
>thousands still manage to drown in what came to be known as the Red Flood
That was how I got banned from the only theater in town without a No Whites Policy.
>>63017837
>using an exclamation point
back to reddit
>be me
>be falcon
>want to see the new James Bond with my human master
>go to buy tickets
>they've recently established a NSP
>No Simian Policy
>my human can't come in
>tfw
>>63017912
back to whatever board you crawled out of tourist!!
>be Indian
>forced to sit in designated shitting aisle
>>63017839
11/10
up there with 2013 Europe
>be cinema penis inspector
>get called in for mandatory meeting earlier today
>be told that theater is expecting massive increase in BBC levels next month
>ask why
>turns out there's some new John Boyega movie coming out
>Go to theater
>Have to buy 2 tickets to get in
>$145
>tfw they're all out of riot shields
>Guess I'll risk it
>Falcon day care is close due to an earlier shooting
>Sit down at seat, realize I need to piss
>figure I have enough time because the credits just started
>When I come back I realize the theaters been shot up while I was away
>Watch the movie comfy as fuck because I'm by myself
>Realize not renting the riot shield saved me $45 plus tip
>Plenty of food for my falcon to munch on
What luck eh lads?
>Go to the theater
>The turnip carving competition got cancelled
>Go to theater
>Head over to the concession stand
>They're out of corn on the cob
>go up to the window to buy movie tickets
>have never needed to worry about theaters with "no singles policies"
>friend is with me
>cashier just happens to be Aidan Gillen
>UHHH, YOU DON'T GET TO BRING FRIENDS
>>63018230
How the fuck does your theater run out of corn? Do they not run their own cinema farm or what
>go to theatre with cousin because of no singles policy
>after successfully the entrance gauntlet we get in line at the concession stand
>there are armed guards patrolling the line, occasionally firing into the air to scare patrons into keeping formation
>look back at cousin to ask if she would like to share an order of ants on a log
>the second she opens her mouth her eyes roll back, blood starts pouring from her nose, her body stiffens and convulses slightly as she falls
>a stray bullet hit her cranium
>a guard sees her collapse and blows a silent whistle
>i know whats coming and turn my back as the janitorial hyenas rush to my cousin's still warm corpse and begin tearing it apart as a single tear runs down my cheek
>i then order my ants on a log, for one, and make my way to the ticket taker
>i lie and say my date went ahead and left me to buy the snacks
>ticket taker buys it and lets me through without too rough a beating
>i find my theatre room and begin descending into the video vault
>the deeper i climb the colder it gets
>my breath is becoming visible, the kindler is late in making his rounds
>i finally arrive at my vault, muscles aching and pained
>everything is frosted over but some people got there before me
>they used the steaming blood of someone who fell to melt the ice around the vault
>i find a seat on one of the poles
>i like the back poles best
>some time later the film begins and the ground lowers, leaving the poles in place
>ground fully descended, the poles begin constantly twisting and moving in patterns and pistoning
>its very painful and distracting trying to stay seated on the poles and i have a difficult time focusing on the film
>the wake up shocks sent up the pole every 5 minutes doesn't make it any easier
>luckily 20 minutes in my blood has frozen around my bottom and the pole, stabilizing me and allowing me to focus on the film
>the ants on a log proved to be a valuable source of energy
(1/2)
>>63018279
They turn off the boiler at 7 for fuck sakes
>>63018322
>a few people have fallen off by the films end and a few more have been picked off by falling icicles
>i avoided death but my shoulder was struck
>the ground began to rise back up and i struggled to become unstuck before terror time kicked in
>i managed to shatter the red ice around my bottom just in time
>the theatre lights turned red and the cleansing grates opened
>i ran quickly to the vault door as the acid began pouring out
>only a few others managed to escape before the vault door shut
>the cold, pain, and loss of blood made it difficult to climb back up but i made it up before the shaft became completely filled with acid
overall my theatre experience was about average. jurassic world was pretty good too. gonna watch creed in a few days
(2/2)
>Hear about new Brendan Fraser feature opening in theaters
>Strap up my pet crab in his brand new collar
>Walk him through the theater showers, get his carapace nice and shiny
>Splurge on a big bucket of Falcon wings at the concession stand
>Settle in at our seats for a nice showing of some grade A cinêma
>Turns out it's just a flick
>mfw
>wait in-line for new flick
>tap the shoulder of person in front of me
>"I sure hope they don't enforce the no-singles policy here!"
>"what is that?"
>I laugh in his stupid face
>"Don't you know any dank memes, you pleb?"
>get to box office
>"one ticket for kike propaganda please. I'm very redpilled F_A_M."
>Ticket person says "can you repeat that please?"
>quietly say "James Bond" under my breath
>go inside and get ticket ripped
>Go to concession stand
>"I'll have crabs legs please!"
>trying not to laugh
>concession guy gives me a smile and thumbs up
>"that's one of my top five memes, bro! What's your favorite subreddit?"
>Stand there silently
>turn and run out of theater
>memesmemesmemesmemesmemes
>>63017409
When u r a frog, u can do w/e fâm
>Going to the theater on /Mordecai/ night
>>63018458
You forgot the "t" you fucking poser.
>this fucking thread
>See advert for theater's Singles Only night
>ask my mom for an early allowance for this once per year event
>decide to see hunger games
>Arrive at theater
>there is a massive crowd at the door
>Realize everyone in the crowd is on a date
> people are missed about the singles only policy
>Get dirty looks as I make my way through the crowd
>Ticket lady looks passed and they spit in my soup
Movie was shit anyway, last time I leave the house
is this considered comedy gold where you new posters are from?
I fucking hate this place. I haven't laughed this hard since right before Baneposting hit its peak.
>Be watching movie at the theater
>Have to use the lavatory
>There aren't any Designated Ass Wipers on duty
>In theater showers
>Put my clothes in a locker and reach for a towel
>Everyone took the Jurassic Park branded towels
>All they have left are Frozen towels
>Everyone laughs at my Elsa towel and call me gay
>They all surround me and gangrape my ass
>Missed the start of Ex Machina
>>63017089
Why is the frog holding the rifle across his face?
>get to theater
>buy popcorn
>take my seat
>the seat is uncomfortable
>leave and go home
im having no part of uncomfortable seats
>be me
>go purchase Star Wars tickets in advance
>have to get my preorder penis inspection
>penis inspection commences
>be told if penis changes, I'll be banned from theater (a fair policy, imo)
>go see The Martian
>get bushel of mice for my falcon
>mouse falls into lap
>falcon goes for it
>penis is in shreds
>mfw going to be banned from theater now
>Theater is holding an advance screening of The Hateful Eight
>Get beans and cauliflower from the concession stand
>Gobble them all up before the previews are done
>Feel an intense feeling in my stomach just as the movie is starting
>Hold it in for 3 minutes and 17 seconds before letting loose
>>63018546
Hothead.
>>63018641
When u r a frog, u can do w/e fâm
>be me
>>63018722
>bringing such a poorly trained falcon to the theater
Had it coming anon.
>go to cinema alone
>buy a ticket along with bacon snacks and soda
>give ticket to the ticket guy
>i get my half of it
>sit down in seat
>watch commercials while munching bacon snacks
>lights dim down
>movie starts
>movie ends, credits roll
>lights turn on
>everybody stands up and walk out
>throw my empty soda bottle and bacon snacks holder in their respective trash can
>walk out the door
>damn it's bright outside nigga
>walk home
>my half of the movie ticket is still in my back pocket
>>63018750
nah its just big mama tier comedy, la
>>63017839
You've ruined it.
>>63018862
Hahaha what a story mark
>yfw your cinema only has store bought butter instead of churning it in house
>go to the cinema alone
>at the ticket stand, burly usher stares me up and down
>"o-one ticket please for S-Spectre"
>"WHAT?"
>"o-o-one t-ticket pl-"
>sirens begin to go off
>man grabs me, I feel a cloth covering my face
>I start to hear shouts and hollers as everything goes black
I knew I should have brought my falcon
fuck I hate this board
>>63019063
Then... leave us.
Why the fuck would you bring a falcon out of all things to a gd movie theater?
>mfw my towns cinema is sold out of lobster
>mfw my towns cinema doesn't even have its own pig farm and slaughterhouse on site for hotdogs
>mfw my towns cinema's segways are all in use and I have to walk everywhere like a savage
>go to the flick theater
>at the ticket stand getting ready to watch >Guardians of the Galaxy 3
>the cutie at the counter scans my barcode on my arm
>"Enjoy the movie"
>"you too"
> buy fish and chips with extra tarter sauce
Man, how do you guys come up with these, I'm burned out. This takes as much effort as Vince posting
>>63019148
why would you say you too if she wasn't watching the movie as well?
Lads this thread was pretty weak tbqh, only a couple gems here and there, cmon with the material boys I need more upvotes
t. plebbitor
>>63019274
Just do what I do and go to r/4chan for the good ones
>Go to theater
>they accept my money for ticket despite being by myself
>No lines
>No guard towers
>No penis inspection
>No butter troughs
>No falcon concession stand
>No one with a falcon at all
>One or two arcade machines with children playing with them
>No guard towers
>No shootings
>No bullet proof vests
>No halal
>No memes no memes anywhere
>No it all must be true
>Take off all my clothes run behind concession stand and cover myself with butter
>skinny fuck
>crawl up inside crank game arcade machine a child is playing with
>The staff attempting to grab my penis with claw game is close enough to a penis inspection for me
Memes do come true
>>63018722
Whoa where the fuck did you find this unseen achewood?
>go to auditorium
>blow a guy for ticket's to "Despicable M3"
"you're a big guy"
>no singles policy
>sneak past the reddit guards and get comfy seats in front of the single's gassing chamber
>something something crablegs
>these crab legs... are making me thirsty!"
>everyone looks at me and notice I am single
>get gassed
>>63019528
This is the most incoherent thing I've read all day
>>63017089
>You look tired normie, get off my board
REEEEE, REEEEEE
>all this talk about showers
Is this a legit thing? Are you guys talking about private theaters or is this something European we all ironically laugh about
>go into movie theater
>all star starts playing
>>63019759
can't tell if this guy is trolling or not. you must have never been to a theater in your life
>work at movie theater
>every customer is a drooling idiot that grunts at me for some overpriced junk food
i get free icees though
These threads are beyond surreal.
>>63019614
If you understand this like I do then it means you've been on 4chan too long. run away before you become too mentally crippled like I am.
>>63018372
You need to hold it properly you dumb frogposter
>>63020049
>run away
You can't run away from falcons, what makes you think you can run away from your fate?
>>63019894
I've only gone to regular theaters
Are you being ironic at my ignorance that there are theaters with showers or that I'm dumb enough to believe it?
>>63020142
because my avatar that changed the world of cinema forever has the high ground.
>get to theater early
>they're already sold out of canoes
>only have waterwings available
>halfway through James Bond
>they release the alligator
>>63020270
>the patron saint of getting your face smashed in
Godspeed anon.
>>63020078
Not if u r a frog, mang
>be at cinema
>do the mandatory penis inspection, present my passport, and do the mandatory drug test
>i smoked weed like a month ago but in my mind I should be fine, hand them my pee in a cup
>go take a relaxing shower in preparation for my movie
>suddenly, alarms blare, cinema guards tackle me in the shower
>i'm under arrest for a positive drug test
>thrown in the cinema prison
>cinema drug inspector-general informs me i'm on cinema death row, they take these crimes very seriously and i'll be executed in a week
>every day, they bring me a medium-sized tub of buttered popcorn as food
>suddenly, an idea
>I start cumming on a chunk of buttery popcorn, a little more every day, forming it into a diamond-hard crusty club
>the day before my execution I overpower the guard with the cumgdel
>steal his cinema guard uniform
>manage to make my way to the lobby without being detected, but the cinema guard eagle spots me and shrieks a warning
>the cinema death squad opens fire on me, I run between cover
>duck behind Minions display, but there's a guard between me and the exit
>suddenly, another shriek
>my falcon dives down and claws his eyes out, he had been waiting for me patiently
>I make a break for it, and finally emerge into the light
>tip my falcon 20% for saving me
Is Minions even a good movie?
http://sheekyforums.com/thread/61234728/television-and-film/mfw-i-piss-in-the-theater-showers-and-nobody.html
>think the theater shower thing is a meme
>it's actually true
>>63020240
you seriously think they will let you in the theater and sit down in the seats without washing your disgusting body first? what type of 3rd world theater do you go to?
>Theater has group showers
>No individual shower stalls
>Everyone in the theater has seen your penis
>Never go back again
This is worse than the communal bath house theaters in Mexico.
>prepurchase ticket for Star Wars
>can do my penis inspection online beforehand
>complete and submit via Facebook
>get a 30% off coupon for concession olives
>>63020332
>this is what butthurt haters actually believe
desalinate your eyes via melancholia emissions, you guttersnipe
>>63020270
Did Abatap really never resurface after he got banned? He was everywhere when I first started browsing /tv/ back in 2011.
>Order a bushel of theater crab legs online
>Preheat in microwave at home
>Bring to theater
>Manager says I can't bring them in
>Have to eat crab legs alone outside
>By the time I'm finished the previews are over
>No time to shower
>Usher asks me to leave
>>63018746
underrated post
>go to theater
>get small soda and small popcorn
>no tartar sauce in self serve pump
>they're out
>get my money back and go home
>>63018746
did you get kicked out by Usher?
>>63020569
pretty sure he's dead. he was russian, so there's probably dashcam footage of him getting run over.
>>63018353
underrated post
>go to theater to see the new james bond
>buy tickets and some buttered crab legs
>get on the conveyor belt
>intercom announces that today is mandatory PP day
>everyone around is like "wow that's fucking gay"
>"jesus fuck come on why today"
>bitchy pit patrol urges everyone to get down to business
>grab shovel angrily and don't even change outfit
>shovel for an entire hour in the popcorn pits
>sweaty and filthy as fuck when I'm done
>mfw I realized they don't even have showers
>>63018372
>>63017409
When u r a Snek, u can do w/e fäm.
>>63020771
>cinema without showers
Jesus christ, do you live in Uganda or something?
>>63021040
>the "i'm le 15 and just discovered alcohol exists so I have to drink le classy drinks xDDD"
Also,
>making an old fashioned with syrup instead of real sugar
Kill yourself
>run to cinema since the no car policy
>pay $407.54 plus tip for a single ticket
>walk in to the flick
>pay $72 for entry fee
>stay for the flick
>flick over
>pay $98 exit fee
>run back home
>poo
>>63021088
You forgot to add
>get shot
>>63021081
kill yourself fatty
>>63017798
>lucky enough to have a designated shooter that uses rounds that can be defeated by IIIA
my designated shooter stepped up his game. I am having to wear level IV plates. They are a pain to take off and put on for the cinema showers.
>>63021518
my preference is hanging my sack in the showers before the movie so the skins wilt and the bulbs get nice and tender
>>63021040
>vanilla simple syrup
Then it's not simple syrup you mung
>>63021081
>instead of sugar
Literally the same thing you autist
That said I agree if the guy doesn't just make it himself instead of buying it like some kind of c.uck
>>63018038
>>63019759
They're being idiots.
>>63024163
Hygiene is for idiots now? Don't you have a designated shitting street to queue up for?
>>63018322
>>63018349
>go see motion picture
>order fried rice
>open container
>it's filled with maggots
>pretty good protein
>>63020357
>cinema guard eagle
>go to the theaters
>gonna see the new James Bond
>"One ticket to Spectre, please."
>"Ok, that'll be $14.29, plus tip"
>tip him the polite 35% and head into the theater
>it was ok
