>sick of being thrown out of theatres for being alone
>look on the web for a theatre that doesnt have a NSP
>find a theatre on the outskirts of town i never heard of before
>before leaving i make sure i have all my theatre equipment so i dont run into any trouble this time
>cant find my cinema snake
>of course he's fucking outside chasing next doors cinema snake like a stupid piece of shit
>put him on the leash and get in the car
>have to stop and fill up with cinema gasoline in case they check like last time
>get to theatre
>pop my hood, some guy comes out and starts licking my engine
>5 minutes later he says i'm allowed in
>only 10-20 people there
>ticket machine is like an atm
>doesnt even give me a ticket just stamps a barcode onto my hand
>concession stand is behind plexiglass and bars
>go order 2 large popcorn with extra butter, one for me and one for my snake
>slide my visa card through this mail slot type thing
>guy on other side slides through 2 empty bags, then starts sliding through one piece of popcorn at a time
>last slides through 2 sticks of butter
>get my card back with claw marks all over it
>put my snake into his bag of popcorn
>notice at this point everyone in the theatre has different cinema animals
>one clown brought in an aquarium on a trolley
>another machine scans my hand to get into the movie
>soon as i get in the door slams shut behind me
>showers turn on above us
>room starts filling with water
>guess people already knew about this, some had floaties and inflatable pool stuff
>have to stand on a chair back to not drown
>popcorn bag is floating so i guess my snake is ok
>trap doors open and sharks fall into water
>movie starts and one guy gets eaten by shark
>aquarium floats past me
>ask to be let out
>guard in scuba suit reaches for gun
>i swim away fuck that shit
>mfw my butter dissolved into the water and i had to choke down regular popcorn
Leave it to amerifats to put butter on popcorn.
Which documentary is the OP image from anyways?
>>62999062
antartica tbqh
>>62999075
The quote is from Thai Prides but I'm not sure if the pic matches with it.
>>62998692
death by keks
>>62998692
They are using cinema snakes now? what advantages do they have over falcons?
>>62999496
venom
>>62998692
1/2
>Looking forward to the new hunger games movie...
>Find a good park and get in the line which extends across 12 blocks. A woman in front of us is forced to service several bulls, while her partner tips them.
>Finally get to the theater entrance, almost at the first security screening.
>Single man in front of us steps into the decontamination chamber alone, the machine only detects 1 life form so he is instantly incinerated.
>It's our turn, the machine buzzes as we're sprayed with nigger semen. Almost forget to tip the bull on the way out.
>The line is pretty big, finally get to the penis inspection terminal.
>The guard notices I'm uncircumcised but I'm wearing a kek cage so I get away with it, tip the guard $50.
>Finally get to the counter. Purchase our tickets and script containing the lyrics for the dance intermission, remember to tip the cashier.
>Head to the bathing room, the water is cold so I have to power up the furnace.
>Step into the spa. It's full of bulls at this time of day and I'm forced to service them or else I'll be sniped from the helicopter circling above.
>Finally I'm ready to watch the movie.
>Tip the bulls on the way out even though the crab sticks I smuggled up my ass are now socked in cum.
>>62999922
2/2
>Step on the conveyor belt that takes us to theater 6.
>Hop off the conveyor belt and present our tickets to the ticket ripper.
>He gives a thumbs up so I tip him $100 and we step into the elevator which descends 10000 meters.
>Finally get to my designated breeding mat, pull the crab sticks out of my ass and place them by my side.
>I'm proned as my assigned bull mounts me, I missed the commercials but I don't mind.
>A quarter way through the movie the first dance intermission begins.
>A young girl is thrown into the furnace for forgetting the lyrics, luckily I paid extra for the script.
>Halfway through the movie the bulls dismount the viewers, I realize something is is off as my falcon sequels.
>Hear gunshots, realize theater 6 is scheduled to be shot up that day. There's about 1000 people in the theater so I pray he runs out of bullets, eventually he does.
>Get up to tip the theater shooter but get kicked out for blocking the screen.
>Nobody told me It's not customary to tip the shooter, oh well.
>Tip everybody on the way out and drive home.
>I realize i left my falcon at the theater, It will take 6 months to raise a new one.
Overall the movie was about a 5/10, I don't get all the hype...
>>62999944
>>62999922
what movie did you see
>>63000029
mocking jay part 2, jlaw is very overrated imo
>>62998692
I feel you man, last time halfway through the movie some guy's cinema zebra broke off the leash and broke my nose with its hoof. Totally ruined my cinema gym workout after
>shit in the cinema showers
>stomp it down the drain
>bringing a snake to a cinema full of falcons
>>62999496
Cinema snakes have several notable advantages over your common cinema falcon. For one thing you can stuff your cinema snake in your sweatshirt so that it stays comfortable throughout the film. Also because cinema snakes prefer live food(except for popcorn, snakes love theatre popcorn).
Now cinema falcons on the other hand, they can retrieve snacks and bring them to you much faster then the fastest cinema snake, but without a trained falconer at the helm its going to be undisciplined and more likely to steal a crab leg or two
i went to a cinema in canada once. most people had cinema beavers, can you imagine? i think i saw only one other guy with a falcon. really weird.
>feeling smug
>managed to use my sick improvisation and ventriloquism skills to get past the single-policy enforcers and penis-inspection gnomes
>tuck into bucket of buttered crab legs as the movie starts
>it's Alvin and the Chipmunks 5: Retribution
>suddenly blinded by piercing light, I spill my crab legs over the sticky floor
>harsh spotlight from overhead guard tower
>I am the only person in the cinema
>feel breath on the back of my neck as my vision adjusts to the light
>hear a voice behind me
>"das ist verboten, ya"
>sharp impact on back of head, pass out
>wake up in Neptunian popcorn mine
>>63000858
cinema beavers are annoying. They diverted a stream into the screening room and were working on a dam last time I went. How can you possibly focus on the goddamn movie?
>push button under armrest
>guy in front row drops into shark tank
>quickly change seats to other side of theatre
>10 minutes later usher comes and shines torch down the isle i was in
>>62998692
What's Louis looking at?
>>63001039
cinema dinosaur
>be in China
>Cinema has 1000 people to one room
>Pick up dumplings and candied dog from snack lobby
> make way to the usher
>Usher sniffs me to make sure I haven't showered (a crime here)
>Film starts
>Can't hear anything because of the chickens cawing and flapping about
>Two old men in front smoking and playing dice games
>Movie is boring and I need to pee
>>62998692
>cinema gasoline
>>62999922
>>62999944
>bull bull bull bull
You've got issues
>the cinéma DJ plays top 40 music during the dance-intermission
Why is this still allowed?
>crying at therapist's office
>get prescribed cinema voucher for mad max
>head to my local stop n' watch
>get processed through the filtering program
>head already shaved so process goes even smoother
>assigned projector assembly
>sit down at the workstation
>wallet falls out and unfolds
>cinema soldier sees the beaver cleaver rookie card hanging out
>banished out of jealousy
what a fucking faggot, I had to wait for it to come out on bluray
>tfw out of cinema meme loop
> try to join in
> fail
weird how our cultures differ. in the uk everyone has a cinema lion or the occasional hedgehog,
falcons are pretty rare except when foreigners are on vacation here
is it okay to bring your cinema falcon to see flicks or do they prefer a diet of films only?
>>63002031
yes
>when you wear the lanyard that had your beaver cleaver rookie card in it and not your cinema laminate
every fucking time
me and my falcon ended up getting the bends because they didn't give us enough time before movie to properly adjust ourselves to the pressure in our scuba suits
Fucking hate jersey theatres. So fucking unprofessional
>forget to wear my cinema underpants
got some dirty looks that day let me tell you
Time Traveler here.
>Be the year 2420
>ask my male-kin desuetude boy friend guy if opposed to not girl, friend if they would like to possibly see a Netflix
>Says "Cumblro" (in the future that means "yes but also no"
>Send them a message on their facebook despite them being right next to me
>they answer their facebook and respond with a thumbs up causing a plethora of actual food-ration based thumbs to poor down
>tap my knee in appreciation for the ration
>head down to the local Netflix and see that everyone who is already there isn't there
>in terms of gender depopulation destiny charges for cultural appropriation
>The head woman of strength in charge of the Netflix and asks my friend and I for our User-Noun and Passable Phrase
>We have to whisper it quickly in her ear or else we'll be forced to work the crank that keeps the nation powered
>Whatever
>Get inside the Netflix, my friend forgot to have their penis relocated before entering
>Oh god no
>Suddenly thousands of TUM-blrs drop down upon my friend (Trycle-based Upcoming Machine of BLRS-Corporation)
>whatever
>Decide to go see the Netflix myself, go to designated viewing pleasure cube #2322422 in quadrant #5
>The room begins to fill with water and sea monkey mix as to give me some "supplicated viewing members"
>Whatever
>finally the Cubed people mover begins
>The screen turns red and begins flashing causing just the right signature of strength for me to go into a seizure
>I forgot that my friend was gone and I am single and thus breaking the NSP.
>Broke the oldest and most known policy among the four stable worlds
>Holyshit
>The room is jetsoned willy wonka style out of the Netflix
>all I can think about is how these Sea Monkeys need to fuck off
>The New Last Pres-I's pre- recoreded message comes on screen
> "Hello or Hi, sorry but you've or Xi have been and into broken rule and or privacy setting #25643
this is no issue or problem we just ask that you do-
>They know I'm typing this
Whatever = help. HELPM
>vaseline dispenser in the theatre showers is empty again
Rough time at the glory hole again
>Bring my recently purchased cinema snake to the kino
>Snake doesn't seem so hot
>Feels really dry
>Shit, it's a cinema eel
>Dash to cinema showers and spend the whole time there with the eel under the water making sure the eel gets hydrated
There's no feel like taking care of your cinema animal/10
>empty vaseline dispenser on floor and slide around
suck shit for next guy in here lmao
I know it's the new fad and all but could you guys please refrain from going to the kino with your cinema snakes? My short-toed snake eagle goes absolutely nuts, it ruins it for everybody really
>>63002863
>Go to local Kino
>On the day they implement a no singles policy
>Trying to make excuses to the Ticket Maestro as hood wearing guards approach me
>They say I can bypass the no singles policy if I swear allegiance to the Kino
>As a Brit I am legally mandated to see the new Bond film or I have to pay a fine, so I agree
>The guards grab me and take me into the cellar
>It's hot as fuck
>I notice a lit brazier in corner
>I have the Cineworld Logo branded on my left buttock
>'A S' is branded on my foredhead for 'Approved Single'
>They cut off my left ring finger
>Charge me £50 for the initiation rite
>Still have to pay to see Spectre
>mfw it was shit
>mfw the Kino's paperwork didn't go through so Her Majesty fined me for not seeing the new Bond Movie and supporting the British Flick Industry
At least I got a voucher for 10% off on a single serving of plain popcorn
'HES A NIGGER, A NIGGER' - cramer