>theater banned me because I failed 3 penis inspections in a row
why is life so cruel
>show up to local Kinographic Exposition Centrum
>no-singles policy in effect
>show them my dubs
>gain admission
>>62918037
Fuck man, that must feels bad man, your penis cant be that bad.
>>62918146
>having a penis so good that they think you're cheating and banned as a result
>>62918086
Were you looking for these?
>>62918037
>saunter to my local movie theatre
>no singles policy in effect
>tell them friend already showed up and is waiting for me inside
>girl at counter doesn't believe me
>accuse her of homophobia
>security guard tackles me
never did see Chuck and Larry but i hear it was a masterpiece worthy of standing jazz hands during the credits
>kids behind me keep throwing pieces of their beef wellington at the back of my head
>too beta to do anything
Feels bad man
>>62918353
>security guard tackles me
bet that was much better of an experience than the movie
nigga
3??
>>62918037
>I failed 3 penis inspections in a row
How?
>>62918037
>goyim in the theater
don't you have burgers to flip? you know you don't belong in a respectable cinema establishment
>>62918275
'twas a ruse. I meant to show the KinoGuard these.
>>62918037
You wouldn't get in because of the no singles polict anyway. Who cares?
>the only empty seat is under the birdcage
>bits of seed and bird shit rain on me for the entire flick
just
>slip in the theater shower
>break my tail bone as a result
>have to stay in the theater infirmary until it fully heals
Could be worse, at least I get unlimited poppy corn and can watch whatever movie I please as long as there enough room in the seats for my infirmary bed to fit.
You're pathetic, OP. Should try surgery.
>wait in line 3 days in advance for the midnight release of Jem
>still only manage to get the last ticket
>the only seat available has a giant pillar blocking the view
>it didnt even look like the pillar was supporting anything
>>62918491
>break my tail bone
You have a tail?
>go to cinema
>find a seat in the middle
>sit down and smell a horrid stench
>look around and see this giant poop on the chair beside me
>people start filling up around me
>wanting to move seat but too awkward to do so
>movie starts
>"mum, what's that smell?"
>"the man infront of us pooped himself. just hold out and I'll get you some ice cream later"
>wanting to inform her and the kid that they are mistaken, but I want to see the movie
>eventually more and more people complain and gives me disgusted looks
>some even threw their food at me
>I'm so mad at this point
>I grab the foot long turd and hold it up
>"I'M NOT THE ONE SMELLING! IT'S THIS POOP!"
>people all around turns their head in my direction
>someone yells "Watch out, a gun"
>a spotlight turns on the istant the gun was mentioned
>sniper misses me and hits the poop making it explode all over me
>guys in hazmat suits comes in and carries me out
>>62918562
Uh, duh. We all have tails stupid.
>>62918562
>not knowing basic human anatomy
>>62918353
>rush to mall cinema
>pay junkie met on the bus journey to beat no singles policy
>wash his cock real good for penis inspection
>extra cultural enrichment fluid on my popcorn please
>flick starts rolling
>complete cinematic masterpiece
>Sandler at his absolute finest
>jazz hands and a spontaneous musical number erupt through the audience
>electric in the air that night
>>62918519
The pillars are usually equipped with bars for the falcons to rest on during the movie.
Next time instead of staying behind the pillar climb it and enjoy the flick with your avian bro.
>>62918037
>2016
>waiting in line for penis inspection
>not having the "penile-plus-pass"
Go back to /pol/ you fucking faggot!
>they banned me from the cinema for trying to sneak crab legs into the theater under my foreskin
fucking inspectors man
>>62918586
>>62918600
I don't have a tail.
>>62918665
>>they banned me from the cinema for trying to sneak crab legs into the theater under my foreskin
they removed mine after my third failed attempt
>surprise kekshed inspection
>not up to regulation (too many movies and entertainment inside; able to be locked from the inside)
>inspector tells me he'll let it go if I agree to donate my film collection, entertainment system, and computer to refugees)
>tell hir I'd rather pay the fee and put the entertaining things back in the house for my wife and her friends to enjoy
>next day
>go back into to shed to finish moving stuff
>find refugees looting everything
>tell them to take their time and have a nice day
>pay them a little extra for helping to clear up the shed
who else /sweden/ here
>>62918702
>I don't have a tail.
kek what a loser amirite?
Another epic thread you share back at home jay!
simply epic!
>>62918702
My mum told me about this, basically boys who don't have tails mad God angry when they were born and he took their tails from them. You had to be a good boy like me to keep yours. Sorry but it's the truth!
>>62918715
>not hiding them under your eyelids
You deserved it
>arrive at the local cinematique expecting to see some cinéma (or a film if I feel like giving my intellect a rest)
>they only show flicks
Jesus wept
>getting my hair cut at the cinema barber (gotta look good as they recently lifted the singles policy)
>barber finishes up, asks for a tip
>refuse to pay, it should be included in the ticket price
>heated argument ensues and I get kicked out
What the fuck, we pay how much for the goddamn tickets and on top of that you have to tip everyone too?
>christfag
>go to confessional
>no singles policy
>>62918086
>>62918275
>>62918438
>all these singles
smhtbqhwuf(shaking my head to be quite honest with you familiam)
>got banned from the cinema steam bath for pissing down the drain
>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself
>>62918765
>>62918781
that explains why they don't accept my movie theatre cavity inspection application.
>new cinema in my area
>decide to try it
>no benis inspection
>no no singles policy
>no showers
If I were you I'd be glad to have all this shit in your cinemas. This one was full of casuals who call flicks films, have dickcheese and don't shower.
>that guy who doesn't know the lyrics during the dance-intermission so he has to constantly look at the screen
>sneak my peregrine falcon into the theater
>the local aviary club is there with their birds
>they notice and challenge her to a race
>She easily wins and i take their tip money for the day
>we agree to meet up regularly
>cinema has become an undercover falcon racing station
>>62918978
BAVI desu senpai
>>62918968
I was that guy. Of course, before I got my kinolicense revoked entirely by the Cinematic Bureau.
Yuropoors are lucky about the lack of government regulations on theaters there
>>62918925
jesus christ, its like some horrible russian Post apocalyptic nightmare
>go to cinema
>get myself a small crab leg mix and a coke
>spin the wheel to see which movie I'll be allowed to see
>room 3 - action
>happy with my selection I continue on
>hear swearing from behind, probably got room 5 - romance
>find my ladder and climb up
>eventually everyone who got action has climbed up their ladders
>loud beeping is heard as the water level rises 20 feet
>room goes dark and the movie starts
>every quarter or so a random ladder descends to test if the user is paying attention
>everyone who's tested climbs up to not go into the water
>a kid next to me is being tested
>he jumps as his ladder starts moving
>kid falls off
>he's franatically splashing in the water
>don't think he can swim
>can't help because I do not want to break the rules
>people shush him
>spotlight turns on and illuminates him
>human like fish creatures emerges from the depths of the water
>the kid's limbs are torn off as he's screaming in pain
>one of them tries to climb one of the ladders but is kicked down by its user
>the creatures goes back to the depths with a piece each of the boy
>spotlight turns off and we're watching the movie again
1/2
>new cinema opens
>no sushi bar
>no juice bar
>no gym
>no bath house
>no sweatshop in the basement
>no crack den
why can't they do anything right?
>>62919145
>half an hour pass
>a teenager sees the opportunity to get a better view of the screen
>he jumps from his ladder to the kid's
>we all know what's about to happen and cover our ears
>some even brought their own hearing protection
>white noise fills the room
>my vision blurs, that's how loud it is
>the ladder is being powered
>as punishment the teenager's being electrocuted and his flaming body hits the water
>even the creatures below wouldn't eat it
>a giant metal net shoots out of the wall and picks up the remains
>the alarm ceases
>trying to recover from the noise my vision unblurs
>can't hear yet though
>movie ends
>the room is once again lit up and water level goes back down
>we all climb down carefully to not slip
>a "ough" is heard at the back
>everyone turns their head around looks in terror
>a man in his fifties has slipped on a bone
>a harpoon shoots out of the ceiling and goes through the faller's spine
>the body is pulled up and away in a matter of seconds
>after this we're all moving slow in the fear of falling
>eventually make it out
>decide to complain
>climb the rope to the complaints booth
>woman next to me climbed the trick rope and gets shot
>at top I tell them that this practice can't go on
>get premium ladder membership as a result
>satisfied I climb back down
>smirk for myself I can't believe complaining about the popcorn always works
2/2
>>62918968
>this is me
>after the croise devant we were supposed to entrechat quatre towards corner 3
>I went corner 2 instead
>afterwards the cutest girl in the room told me I have no ballon
>the Chad she was with performs a grand jeté and drags her away to fuck her
fucking kill me
>sit down to see the martian, very excited
>the flick begins to play and it's pretty enjoyable
>couple next to me starts fucking
>try to be polite at first, maybe they will finish soon
>fucking has been going on for over 10 minutes now, kindly tell them to finish so I won't be so distracted
>they glare at me, start mashing even slower
>that's it
>I pull the security cable
>nothing happens, pull it a few more times to no avail
>couple laughs at me
>I am so angry at this point I can't even watch the flick and leave
>doors are locked, I can't exit
mfw
>>62919145
>>62919178
I am without words
>early showing of star wars 7
>decide to watch it
>prepare for days before the big day
>get the best kind of crab legs
>wash my dick even bleach it
>pay for a hooker to come with me cuz no singles policy
>prepare my best clothes I want nobody to suspect I'm a casual
>put the crab legs in a bag and try to hide it in my ass
>it's the big day
>meet up with the hooker
>she's actually black and called latifah
>weighs 400 lbs
>she clearly hasn't showered for a week
>I also start sweating thinking they won't let us in
>the hall is full of jews, cücks and feminists chanting 'we hate white people, we love jj abrams'
>the inspections are starting
>it's my turn
>the inspector looks at my penis and nods
>I'm revealed as fuck
>because of the early showing there's also an anus inspection
>they find the crab legs
>they throw me out but let latifah in
>I'm going to the court tomorrow for violating the theater's rules and mentally raping latifah
>pic related
>it's from her facebook
>>62919145
>>62919178
What terror country are you from?
>>62918037
I have some bad news for you, anon.
If you failed 3 penis inspections because you don't have penis.
You have vagina so you are girl.
>head to a boutique cinema in the rich white part of town
>hipster film club is holding a free spike lee night
>popcorn and refreshments cost too much though
>take out my bowl of crack
>have a little hoot
>security flashlights expose me
>well dressed people shaking their heads in disgust
>armed security guard approaches
>sir we have a no smoking policy
>they only allow inhalation or intravenous drug use at this theatre
baka its discrimination because im black
>go into cinema
>it's "whitey gangbang rape" day
>>62918925
this is beautiful.
>it's been about 3 days since I first entered the line to see Pan, people are starting to get agitated and unruly
>cinema guards FINALLY make their rounds and give us some rations
>a mother and young child don't get a handout, it's unlikely they will survive the next few days
>didn't get any rations but thankfully I stashed some chicken cordon bleu in my jacket
>see a man being hauled out, he's ranting and raving about a singles policy, begin to get nervous as I have no idea what he's talking about and I thought I reviewed policy
>he is hanged drawn and quartered in the common area
>the line begins to move, the crowd erupts in cheer and is prodded forward by the guards
>a lot of couples ahead of me...
>to my horror I realize what the singles policy is
>thinking fast I give my chicken to the single mother, and I pretend to be her boyfriend
>thank God, I have a chance to see this masterpiece
>theatres packed, can barely breathe as they cram us in like cattle
>film starts
>6/10 it was okay
Man, you guys go to some crazy theaters.
Great meme, I'm gonna show this to my friends at http://www.reddit.com
>>62918878
Edgy dubs checked.
>closest theatre has been booked solid for two years
>decide to go to le theatrique in the french district of town
>bone marrow sample taken by theater physician, cleared for entry to snack bar
>no crab legs available as it is against the religion of the local frenchmen
>settle for some popcorn insteda
>explosive devices are all over priced, luckily I wrapped some det cord around my leg
>I got bored of making a greentext and didn't no where to go with it so I stopped here, I can't do anything right
>going to take my antidepressant, masturbate and go to bed
>>62919301
>not getting your dick out and starting to wank
How did they let a none kek in the theater anyway ?
>>62919848
upboat :^)
why the fuck so they admit chickens now? my little white snow owl that i got for my birthday got literally picked on by the three big black cocks that belonged to the group in the row behind me. i thought only birds of prey were allowed what the fuck
>>62919864
you forgot the part where the falcon disfigured your face and condemned you to such a lonely meagre exsistence
>>62918925
>>62919145
>>62919178
Best in the thread 2bh
>>62918925
>are you kidding me?
Holy shit
>>62919926
The kino guards just don't give a fuck anymore. Recently I've even seen pet dinosaurs get allowed because they're apparently related to birds.
Like why would you bring a triceratops to the kino? All he does is make even the most well-trained falcons nervous. Some people have no shame.
>>62919589
It's funny 'cuz you're so not
>>62919927
yeah that too thanks mate
>>62918925
Is this some Metropolis shit?
>>62918037
Your theatre has penis inspections? Wtf
>>62920114
It's actually pretty good.
>>62919145
>>62919178
>>62918925
I don't quite understand this meme but I love it anyway
I can see why hiromoot and the 4chan team decided to turn the robot back on
you redditors really are garbage at posting
>>62918383
I fucking love this meme
>go to the cinema
>penis inspection
>no big deal
>a big guy steps in front of me and makes me choose to either kill my son or blow up Boston
Is this whole "no singles policy" thing a /tv/ meme or do you niggers actually have this at your theater? I've gone to the movies many times by myself, it's not a thing.
>>62920335
We're just having fun in this thread we ain't harming nobody.
>>62920386
It's just a dumb meme dipshit
>>62920383
Can I choose both?
>>62920435
Fuck off nigger you're all so retarded I can't tell sometimes.
>>62920407
You're harming EVERYTHING
>>62918037
Nice reddit frog!
>>62920500
How?
>>62920454
Tbf I can't tell sometimes whether or not people are meming or being serious
>>62920407
Fuck off nerd
>get pulled out of the line for Interstellar
>they grill me in the interrogation room for nearly 6 hours
>>62920609
very nice pupper
>>62918086
You can have mine, here take them
>>62920643
I agree, when do we eat him?
>>62920654
Were you looking for these?
>>62920776
>offbyone.image
>>62920752
him? it's clearly a she
>go to the nearest Regal Kino to see Goosebumps
>bring a stuffed taxidermied falcon full of crab legs with me to circumvent both the theaters NSP and their high concession prices
>see a sign stating that Regal Kinos have instituted a Guilty until Proven Innocent policy due to the popularity of smuggling
>enter the door after purchasing my ticket and tipping the attendant
>everyone in line has to run the serrated whip gauntlet
>make sure to protect my crab leg falcon as best I can
>serrated whips tear off sections of my tuxedo jacket and leave me bloody
>accidentally dropped my falcon and the crab legs got slightly trampled by others running the gauntlet
>Kino infirmary is closed due to a Kino Nurse Union strike because of Regal Kinos ban on tipping of Nurses
>have to tear off the remaining pieces of my tux and use them to compress my wounds through the film
I'd rate my Kino experience at 4 out of 5 stars. What do you all think about the ongoing strike? Do you think Regal Kino has the right to ban tips of Nurses when all other jobs in the theater have a mandatory tip policy?
I tried to use the cinema showers and they said I had to buy something first. I tried to buy crab legs but they were out, so I had to shower at a nearby convenience store. Thankfully, the no-singles policy was not in place.
>go to movie with Korean friend
>girl in front of us has her ponytail sticking through the seats
>tell him to yank on her ponytail
>he does and the girl doesn't even turn around or do anything because we were so alpha
>>62920867
I don't care if he became a she, I just want that dog in my stomach. Looks tasty.
>someone's falcon escapes and runs fucking amok in the kino shower until there's blood and feathers everywhere
i could not enter a cinema for months after
>>62920435
>>62920386
>hurr singles policy is just a meme
fucking eurokeks. Try going to any fucking theater alone post 9/11 here in the states. Shit ain't happening.
>>62921042
I remember that, I dropped my bucket of crab legs while I was running away, the cinema wouldn't give me them back either.
>>62921042
then go to a cinema that doesn't allow animals, wtf
I've been going to see movies for 25 years now and never saw any animals inside, let alone a fucking falcon
>theater has a no single men policy with certain exceptions
>exceptions are for men who are willing to be handcuffed and kept under armed guard for the duration of the flick
>one of the guards kept kicking the back of my seat and laughing the whole film
I probably won't be going back
>>62921136
you clearly aren't looking hard enough
>>62918968
Even worse
>the guy who "dances" with his falcon because he didn't bring a partner
>>62920932
I think all tips should be banned, after all they are being paid to do their job.
>go to the cinema with my beloved Common kestrel
>as I seat a pelican flies accross the room dropping flyers from its throat pouch (rare occurence)
>it says the State is currently short of 7 people dead to reach the monthly quota of people killed while attending a movie
>I'm taking the risk, there are so many cinemas the odds of having a shooting today must be ridiculously low
>nevertheless I still felt uneasy for the whole duration of the movie
>couldn't even finish my crab legs
>credits start rolling, I exhale deeply in relief as I know Kekoo (my bird) and I made it
>unfortunately the designated theater shooter was among us and started shooting indiscriminately
>blast my bird the fuck out in the process as it was hovering in the room
>I storm out of the cinema crying as the shooter is bagging the people he shot
>file a complaint the next day to the Cinema Bureau for inappropriate shooting etiquette (lights were already back on, shooting a protected specie)
I got a response today after 2 weeks and they say they aren't going to revoke his Cinema Shooting License
According to them my testimony is unreliable, this must have something to do with my previous record of 2 failed penis inspections
Now I gotta climb up a fucking tree and steal a falcon egg in order to raise one AGAIN
I'm never going back to the cinema
>>62921159
>that guy who spills his crab legs on the theater dance floor
every time
>>62921136
>letting yourself be seen at the kinêma without a noble avian raptor of the finest egyptian saker falcon stock
what third world slavshit kinös do you frequent?
yesterday's thread was better
>failed the aptitude test at the front door 5 times
>>62921207
>designated theater shooter
Every time
>>62921262
Switzerland.
Where would I start looking for a falcon then? Is it expensive to keep one?
And they really let you enter the cinema with one of them?
>>62921207
kek
>they didn't let me in because i had too many chromosomes
>tfw you will see memes obliterated in your lifetime
Anyone else have the problem that your local Kino wont allow you to bring your little white mice, but allows big black rats?
>>62918925
what a time to be alive
>>62918702
>I was only pretending to be retarded
>>62918037
>not sneaking past the inspectors from the cinema saunas next to the alligator pits
>be britbong
>go to local Eyesies-Schmowsies Wow!Factor Auditorium to watch latest Hugh Grant romcom
>have to go through security first
>x-ray picks up on the home-made ravioli I stashed in my government-issued banana pack
>"Pardon me sir, there's an unauthorized consummable item in your bagging area. I'll have to confiscate it"
>mfw homemade ravioli is confiscated, along with butterknife I keep for self-defence
>No food now, have to buy overpriced Eyesies-Schmowsies Wow!Factor authorized official branded food at the kiosk
>settle for Queen's Milk, I have to buy the straw separately otherwise I can't drink it out of the sheepskin pouch
>also get Scottish oysters and clams
>"that'll be £193.63 sir"
>mfw
>go to Phase 2 kiosk 200 yards away to buy tickets
>"sorry sir, that film is rated PG-12, could I see some ID?"
>I'm 45
>take out ID
>the ID is approved
>CO19 firearms officers retreat back behind the velvet curtains
>walk 300 yards to Wow!Factor Screen Room 71-B*
>get inside my viewing pod
>oysters and clams spill all over the floor of my pod
>scrape seafood off the floor and put them in my banana bag
>movie about to start
>but first, a message from Queen
>"Hellooo peons, I am your queen, Elizabeth II. Enjoy your Wow!Factor viewing experience, sponsored and approved by Her Majesty's Royal Customs"
>sit through 30 minutes of Slurp-Slurp Royal Vinegar ads
>movie finally starts
>Hugh Grant says witty things for 2 bong-hours
>film ends, leave
>pretty good day overall, didn't get mugged by Pakistanis
>take tube back home
>forget to mind the gap
>fall into the gap
>mfw
>>62919145
>>62919178
>>62918925
are there any films resembling a world like this?
>>62921584
The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
>>62921584
read Kafka
>>62919864
sleep well honey, love you
>>62918422
he has a vagina
>tfw theater implemented a "No Singles Policy"
>hire a hooker to go with me so I can see The Peanuts Movie
>turns out it's a "No Shingles Policy"
>mfw I fail
>>62919864
Meta
>be German
>want to see the new forklift documentary Gabelstapler 4 in cinema
>get stopped by jew police because my Volkswagen emits too much gas
>have to walk 6 million steps in shame, apologising for WWII
>brings me closer to the cinema, at least
>can only enter if I pray to Angela Merkel and the Qur'an
>get my crab legs with Bretzeln and a barrel of Sauerkraut
>theater is packed with refugees in sleeping bags
>want to be friendly as greet them saying "Grüß Gott!"
>they complain at the designated cinema construction site because I hurt their feelings
>two guys who wanted to work while watching the movie come over and beat me up
>make me sign a contract that I give my house to refugees
>even eat my Sauerkraut
>I leave ashamed, apologising for what I did on my way out
>watch Gabelstapler 3 at home instead
Great movie, honestly. Especially the part where he has to work extra hours.
>>62921565
>>62922167
Top fucking kek
>>62918887
Does your cinema literally expect you to leave the cozy warmth of the shower to go take a piss? That's madness. Glad we don't have that here
>>62922167
>>want to be friendly as greet them saying "Grüß Gott!"
you're not german, you're bavarian. common mistake
these threads are probably the only reason i come to tv anymore
makes me bust a gut everytime
i was at the store and actually bought crab meat, thinking of this place
went home and tried some, FUCKING EEWWW i need to cook it with something not eat it raw that was fucking nasty
>>62922429
i'm gonna cook chili and sea bass one of these days
i'm quite the absolute madman as you can no doubt tell
>>62922450
How long do you think I could serve my housemates meme food until one of them notices that something's off?
>>62922735
not even a day
>>62918086
Did you drop this double digits card sir?
>>62922167
German, can confirm.
Would be funny if it were not so sad.
>attempt to smuggle my homemade duck butter and crabs legs into the thêátré in my colonoscopy bag
>they have JUST hired sniffer dogs
>oh shit
>they security hounds sniff me out
>they lunge at me and tear my cock off
>in an ironic twist of fate, my remaining stumpy penis passes the inspection every time
Micropenis is an automatic pass if you're a white male
>be Ukrainian
>go to the movie in hobo hours
>the line is filled with dirty old people
>maybe less strict on the "No Singles Policy" in these hours
>sneak in the theater while hobos started fighting over some spilled food
>hide in shadow behind the statue
>hear shots and screams as the police solves the problem
>try to sneak further into the building
>some hobo breaks in the theater and the staff notices him
>they put on the gas masks and turn the valve
>deadly blue gas starts to fill the theater hallway
>run upstairs from gasous cloud
>only one door
>toilet with 49 signs of all genders
>thank god
>run inside
>49 kinds of different urinals are on the wall
>one of them looks like childrens mouth
>ignore that
>straight to the cabin at the end of the toilet
>Open the cabin and jump into the lavatory pan-dorum
>exit the theater with a splash of rusty water
Is the Terminator Genesis worth pirating? i
I think i'm going to shoot a short in the style of one of these green texts, the surreal nature of these give one the true feeling of the social pressures of an autist. The fact that most of the time the protagonist reacts with acceptance to the weird reality warping things around him make it all the more eerie.
>>62918413
kek
best post in thread tbqh
>>62922971
i'd watch it
>>62921565
>forget to mind the gap
kek, thanks
>>62922905
Inspected. You pass with flying psychedelic colors, Yuri.
Another epic thread, Frank-opinion
I can see why you're forcing them :0)
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
What in the name happened to this place baneposting is even better than this plebbit retardation!
>>62923197
How do I get that guy's job?
>>62923232
Be a faggot. You should pass with flying colours
>>62923288
I have a degree in keksucking from my kindergarten. Does that also count?
>>62923288
But I'm not gay, I just wanna look at Slav dicks.
>get an off-peak singles licence at the pictures
>allowed entry between 4 and 6am
>decide to see Burnt
>about to walk to back of cinema
>linesman raises his flag
>conductor stops me and tells me to fill up the front seats first
>reluctantly sit beside the big issue seller
>starts raining 20 minutes in
>swim to the conductor
>ask him to close the roof
>he says it would be too loud and they need to wait until the movie is over
>leave early because my falcon looks distressed
>go to the laundry room
>the washing machine steals my deposit
>Showing another aul picture down in the parish hall
>Had to cancel the Bingo, there'll be whinging from the women no doubt but sure look it
>Tis only that new film Dallas Buyers Club
>Grab a quick few new potatoes and a large porter from the lad in the concession stand
>Settle in next to the older young lad of the Heffernan's
>Him only back from the Mericas and all
>"How's the home sod treating the boots biy?"
>"Sure there's good and bad in it now"
>Some swole head he's after getting over there, talking like one of those black rappers no doubt
>Films starts away, veritable running commentary going on
>Christian Bale gets diagnosed and the biddy Reilly cuts in with "Sure divine mother the young lad looks sicker than a plane to Lourdes so he does"
>Jared Leto comes on, and Paddy Tidgh grumbles "Sure your man thinks he's a young girl, does he think he's in a panto or what's the story"
>Scene with a couple of gay lads having an argument, "Too many bullocks in the one field now I'd say"
>Film stopped halfway through because the priest catches Paddy O'Neill up to the elbow in Bridget McNamara
>Sends Bridget off the the Magdalene Laundry for a few years there and then to think on her sin
>Gives Paddy a three match ban from the Junior B team
>Sure he'll miss the County Final now and all
>Fierce sore day for the parish
>>62919145
>>62919178
This story was brought to you by H.P. Lovecraft
>>62921584
The Double
The Lobster
>Sit, four years ago, knees buckling in the back of the minivan as we head to the local theater
>Mom says it's time to go to the Local Theater
>We're watching Blackface: WHITEY IS TIDY SEXPLOSION IV
>Don't even know what the IV stands for, it's the first movie in the damn series
>Get a sharp glare from one of the discerning skinhead militia overseers keeping us safe from the dangers of Der Jude in the vehicle next to us
>As I step out of the car I am forced to part my sixteen year old asscheeks for the cock of Herman to prove I'm no holohoax worshipper
>I take the Aryan seed tearfully, as I am blown a kiss from the municipally approved Theater Shooter who then receives a hivefive from the future shooter of the columbine massacre
>I hear screams from the Batman: Don't be stupid be a Smarty Come And Join the Nazi Party sing along Screening down the aisle as a solemn janitorial staff drone is dispatched to collect the remains of the poor muslims forced to watch this blatant oppression with a quivering muffled lip
>Transexuals are forced into the gas chambers just next to the restrooms with the signs "IBA need not apply" (Irish, Black and Asexuals)
>Food is nothing but crusty popcorn a week old, mostly unpopped in the container with a flyer HEIL HITLER stuck right out of the literally rape packaging
>Slurp the German semen out of my SS. Soda with a look of pained disgust and six million oppressions
>Take a seat to the all white, all male, and all heterosexual screening of THE STONEWALL RIOTS, separated from my mother when she got raped by a cisgender fuck in the hallway with his extra long uncut dick
>Everyone in the theater but me gets aids from having so much consistent sex and I am nearly shot two more times than legal in non-lethal areas
Say what you will about theaters, but they used to be SO MUCH WORSE, dumbasses. Besides. Crab legs are delicious and so much easier to store.
>>62923819
what is happening to you
What the fuck is wrong with the Catalog today
>go to the cinéma
>buy my tickets for ladri di biciclette
>sit down
>suddenly eternal sunshine of the spotless mind starts playing
>look around and notice couples
>realize i went to the flicktorium instead
>>62923928
Same thing that's wrong with it everyday. It's full of redditors
>in line for the theatre
>Taking the usual 'Pleb or Patrician' test
>Can't name my favourite Micheal Snow installation
>assigned pleb
>Must carry the Sedan chair of the assigned patrician to the Ozu retrospective
>Set him down among the plush red velvet, peel him a few grapes
>manage to slip away as the fern fanners switch shift
>slip into the pleb cue, careful not to catch myself on the razor wire or electrified fences
>after hours of queuing, reach the admissions commissar
>"What film?"
>"I was thinking uhm maybe Knight of Cups? It looks pretty interesting and
>"Fast and Furious 18 for you"
>Thank him for the gracious gift, shuffle off to the concessions shack
>Lose some of my tattered rags to the guard dogs
>Hand over a weeks wages for some tepid water and turnip bread
>Go and stand in my assigned spot and wait for the flick to begin
>A scuffle breaks out at the front as two fellow plebs fight over some popcorn kernals stolen from the Patrician bins
>Both are hauled away to Film Reeducation school
>One attempts to prove he is not a pleb by claiming he does not need film school as he went to films
>Summarily executed
>Watch CGI Paul Walker as his hot blood pools around my feet
I don't know how many more they can milk out of this franchise to be honest
Can someone explain why threads like these are never, ever deleted while threads about actual television and film are deleted when they trigger a janitor?
>Want to see new Star Wars opening night
>Decide to prebook ticket
>Find only cinemahouse in the area without NSP
>It's a quote-along cinema
>Don't want to be fined for misremembering word so decide to order script from cinema website
>$40 plus tip
>Proceed to preorder ticket
>Essay question, 4000 words on 'Star Wars: Postindustrial infantilist dogma or trailblazing ode to identity multilinearilism in the modern age?'
>Completely forgot to prepare, but manage to get something down
>Lose marks for failing to reference enough papers by authors of colour, but scrape by
>Nearly there
>ATTENTION: This theatre has just introduced a No Singles Policy
>Ohshitohshit
>"Please provide scanned copies of both you and your partners passports, birth certificates and at least 5 years of employment history with references"
>Fail to gather documents in 10 minute timeslot
>No Singles Taskforce agents dispatched to my home
>Try to swallow the cyanide molar I have in case of such an event, turns out to be filled with halal-approved Tango
>Tried in front of Cinemilitary Tribunal
>One charge of gross theatrical misconduct
>One charge of attempted breach of NSP
>One charge of being willfully single
>One charge of hate crime due to lack of Inuit authors cited in my essay response
>Found guilty on all four
>6 months in the Cinema Brig
>On release day, forget to tip my CO
>Sentenced to three months hard labour in the popcorn mines
>>62920776
>>62920654
>>62918878
>OFF BY ONE
JUST WAIT ONE SECOND WHEN YOU ARE CHECKING DUBS
>>62923819
This is what liberals actually believe.
>On holidays in Bongland
>Decide to catch a movie
>Head to the local cinema and mosque
>Ticket iman charges me three foreskins of infidels for entry
>Seems pricey but pay up
>Three more foreskins for a halal-certified bowl of dry couscous, three figs and some unlevened bread
>Kneel down on my assigned prayer mat to watch the movie (Daddy Day Care)
>All images of humans are haram, and all actors are replaced by pulsing geometric patterns
>All dialogue that does not glorify Allah is haram, and has been replaced by recordings of an Iman reading Medinian suras
>Halfway through, film pauses as the adhan sounds
>Attempt to fit in, but can't figure out which direction to Mecca
>Crowd begin to notice, become restless
>A chant of 'kafir kafir' starts from the back
>Cinema guards burst in and restrain me
>Try to apologise as they load me into a cannon
>The chant of 'kafir kafir' rises as they light the fuse
>Cannon explodes, shooting me directly into the heart of paris, killing 120 individuals
>>62922766
Hell naw
Ma card is right here
>fflashes ddubs ccard
>go to cinema
>buy myself a ticket for the premiere of a movie
>buy a bucket of crab legs and a coke
>look at ticket and see that I'm second to top on the green/white striped rope
>make my way down the long pitch dark hallway
>it gets narrower and narrower as I go further in
>can't see anything at this point
>I carry on
>eventually I have to sidestep to get through
>I end up in a small and dimly lit room with a giant rusted bunker door infront of me
>can't even budge it
>have to wait for more people to help me open it
>it took us five people to get it open
>as we open it steam comes out
>go inside
>it's hard to see as the screen is the only thing lighting up the room
>the steam is coming through the grates in the floor
>I look through one of them but I can't see the bottom, only darkness
>I eventually find my rope and look up
>person already there
>great, do not have to wait for him
>climb up to my spot
>the rope spots are quickly filled
>the movie starts
>fifteen minutes in the kid above me slips down
>I lower myself a bit to not get hit
>he climbs back up, so do I
>this goes on for about ten minutes
>can't take it anymore so I hit him with a crab leg
>he climbs back up, apologizes and stays there
>finally I can focus on the movie
>I'm sweating alot at this point
>the steam is so hot and damp that holding on to the rope is hard
>people are complaining, some are yelling for someone to turn on the air conditioning
Part 1/2
>>62918925
Orweill resurrected, I see.
>>62924284
>one man at the bottom of a nearby rope can't take it anymore
>he runs to the switch on the wall but as he touches it he lights up as he's being electrocuted
>he forgot to put on the electrical glove hanging beside
>his lifeless body falls to the floor as one of the tiles tilts towards the wall
>the wall opens up and shuts as the body rolls through
>people continue watching the movie despite being uncomfortable hot
>it's so hot that I can't think straight anymore
>starting to hallucinate, but I snap out of it
>a while later a guy at the top of a rope next to me faints
>he falls and sends everyone on the rope down on a grate
>the grate can't hold this much weight and breaks
>they vanishes into the dark below
>silence ensues before being met with growling coming from the depths
>must be the crawling creatures that's being rumoured around
>try my best to ignore it and pay attention to the movie
>movie goes on for what seems like hours
>I look at my watch but it has stopped
>guess I should have bought a waterproof one, that's how much I'm sweating
>I ask the guy behind me for the time but he stares at me with a pale white emotionless face
>must have gone mad from the heat I think for myself as I turn around and continue watching the movie
>the credits finally start rolling
>we all climb down our ropes
>the kid above me falls down the last metres, but he's okay
>I congratulate him for managing to hold on for so long
>we make our way to the door
>two guys try to pull the lever to unlock it
>it won't budge
>a third person joins in and it snaps
>we look at eachother for a moment
>we bang on the door for someone on the outside to open it
>nothing happens
>a guy from the back pushes his way to the front
>he grabs the handle out of the hand of one of the guys
>desperately trying to reattach it to the door, but he's unsuccessfull
>he screams in terror as hurdles towards the broken grate and jumps down
>behind us the credits are coming to an end
Part 2/3
>>62924103
No I mean the catalog isn't moving unless a thread gets archived, but normal page-by-page browsing seems to be working fine.
>>62924318
>we quickly find ourselves in complete darkness as the final credit goes off the screen
Part 3/3
>>62918574
Severely underrated
>>62920500
IT WAS ME JAMES
I WAS YOUR SHITPOSTER
>>62924350
no
what happens next you fucker
>>62922167
>Especially the part where he has to work extra hours
FUCK
You got me
>go to theater
>get shot
>>62918037
Is that like a cup check? Were hiding crab legs in your undies?
>>62924455
That's the end.
>>62924422
>>62924455
Oooo
Right this way sirs
You get elite doubles seats
>>62918574
holy shti
>waiting in line in theater
>incompetent penis inspector is taking ages to inspect everyone's dicks
>move begins in 5 minutes
happens at least every other time I go to the theater
Why are these meme threads allowed?
>>62924594
"""board""" """culture"""
>>62924622
*Reddit culture
>that one guy who doesn't bring a falcon
>no one cares but he's still trying to overcompensate to look "normal"
Give it a rest you fucking retard, just enjoy the kino
>>62918037
See this shit right here is why I haven't been to the cinema in eighteen years.
Fucking penis inspections? Really? It's not bad enough they charge 12$ for the popped corn they have to add penis inspections?
Jesus Christ what kind of fucking moron would out up with that shit just to watch a movie and maybe use the theatre shower real quick.
Assholes.
>>62924594
>>62924622
spotted the newfriends trying too hard to fit in
>tfw I actually had a penis inspection as a kid
>I get anxiety attacks visiting theaters, have to bring my assistance dog with me so I dont freak out during the mandatory penis inspection day
>their spaghetti policy is okay but they don't allow dogs
>have to put him down
>pay for my ticket
>enter the salon, walk down the stairs
>stand infront of the white drapery before the movie starts
>execute my dog
>return to my seating
>two men enter the salon, rush toward my aisle
>they spot me, I cant run away because of the mandatory safety belt not releasing
>they inform me that I might have cheated on my penis inspection exam
>they forcefully remove my pants and my briefs, I get aroused and they have to club me down to stop my brain from pumping blood to my penis
>I can barely think and hear clearly anymore and the two guards leave
>I am now in the perfect mood to understand and appreciate the masterpiece cinema called Interstellar
>>62918037
>penis inspection
What.
>>62919710
>he is hanged drawn and quartered in the common area
I can't stop laughing at this
>>62924594
>>62924622
>>62924636
Enjoying your first day on 4chan?
>go to an early screening of Star Wars VII
>get to the Taste Station
>they screen me
>alarms go off, "PATRICIAN TASTE DETECTED!"
>they kick me out of the theater because my taste is too good
I just wanted to see Star Wars...
>>62924960
serves you right
>>62919710
>>a mother and young child don't get a handout, it's unlikely they will survive the next few days
>>62921207
10/10
> finally work up the nerve to go to the crab shack
> sneak in a miniature theatre screen and a selection of flicks in my anal chastity belt box
Ima bit of a mischief maker desu lads
>>62924960
>>62924985
Holy shit, I just got deja vu reading these. Like legit deja vu, the feeling
All of these aren't even funny, just shows how autistic all you retards are. How did this stupid meme even originate?
>>62925156
SOMEONE GET THIS HOTHEAD OUTTA HERE
>>62923819
>municipally approved Theater Shooter
> "IBA need not apply" (Irish, Black and Asexuals)
laughing my angus off if i am to be honest with you at this moment relative
>>62924284
>>62924318
>>62924350
what even is this?
>>62918037
wat
>head into the cinema, no problems getting my tickets, crab legs, and certificate of penis inspection
>feels pretty good
>looking for my reserved seat
>no luck finding it
>realize now looking around the theater i'm the only white person here
>suddenly Tyrone the security guard tells me to get in my seat because the movie is starting, he points at the birdcage
>he explains to me that the new whitey quota policy allows for only one cisgendered heterosexual caucasian male per movie showing, and the reserved seat is the birdcage
>he points out that a movie runtime imprisoned is nothing at all compared to the lifetimes of slavery or mass incarceration faced by many blacks, and I should reflect on this while I'm watching the film
>climb up on his shoulders to get into the birdcage just as the movie is starting, he locks me in
>excited to finally watch The Force Awakens
>whenever Kylo Ren or General Hux appear on screen to persecute Finn the audience erupts into angry hollering and starts throwing crab legs at me, some of them let their falcons loose and they swarm around my cage squawking and shitting
>theater audience leaves after the movie is done
>the audience for the next showing comes in >they can't see me in the cage because it's too dark and high up, and they just assume I'm a bird
>Try to scream at them but they can't hear me over the movie now playing
>no one ever comes to let me down
>the birdseed in the cage is pretty tasty at least
>go with my friends to the theater
>buy just one ticket
>show the usher my ticket and move on with my friends
>usher stutters "e-eh you cant just bring your friends in here, they have to pay"
>I answerdon't worry, no charge for them!
>>62921884
>he has a vagina
nothing wrong with that, you privilege-unchecked cishet shitlord
>there are people who think no singles policies are a joke
>>62925342
>all that heavy petting going on there
damn i wouldn't be able to keep my boner down for penis inspection in a theater like that
>>62925314
7/10 a passable joke t
>>62925342
memes aside, would you get paired up with a stranger if you went alone?
MFW
I avoid the cinema for months cause I hate the local penis inspector, and I get a mandatory ticket in the post
>tfw went to school with the local penis inspector
>every time he sees me in the theater he says something to the other inspectors and they all look over and laugh
>>62921565
I lost it at "I'm 45".
>when your mom is the penis inspectress of your local Regal
>>62921207
>designated theater shooter
Fucking kek.
>Go see the new hunger games movie, because whatever
>Bring my trusty mockingbird james
>Enter the cinematic building, there is a line of Hutts and families to the ticket stand
>There is some foul odor there, but not anything i cant handle
>James get me past the no singles policy
>Go and pick up crab legs for me and some blueberries for James
>Enter the cinema showers, the smell gets stronger but ignores it.
>Get washed and enter the cinematic hall.
>The odor is intense, i feel James is loosing it on my shoulder
>Put on my always trusy gas mask, and James mini mask
>Go and find an empty seat squeezed between two Hutts, one of them wearing a team Jacob T-shirt
>One of the Hutts say something in Huttese
>Mee dehba doth baatu baatu mi
>Say sorry I cant speak Huttese
>The flick starts
>The odor is increasing more and more, I can see children squeezed between the Hutts passing out
>Some children disappear under the Hutts massive folder of skins
>A father is desperatly trying to save his daughter slowly being pulled into one Hutt
>Before he is dragged away by cinema guards for disrupting the "movie"
>Near the end of the flick there are only a few Hutts left sitting, a few parents managed to get save some of their children. While the rest lies on the floor, killed by the deadly gasses.
>Leave with James
Eh, would rate it 5/10. Sadly the local cinema shooter didnt have his bow ready so it wasnt a full cinematic experience
>>62921207
whoever wrote this pasta
1+internetswriting that made me feel old as fuck
>be American
>go to see the new Star Wars on opening night
>so excited that I forget to put on my theater gear
>get shot
>die
why is this allowed?
>>62924231
>One charge of gross theatrical misconduct
kek
>>62921207
>2 failed penis inspections
How dumb do you have to be? Just roll a folded up 20 under your foreskin and when they do the mandatory foreskin pull they take it and give you an automatic pass. At least that worked for me the last three times.
>tfw got penetrated in the showers
>>62924229
These are about cinema, so they aren't off-topic. Other boards don't delete threads like these either, it's not a /tv/ thing.
>>62925977
that's why you wear the buttplugs they give you at the ticket stand, stupid
>>62926018
>tfw you're given the medium sized one but it's too small so it's ineffective
>>62926067
that's actually what you want so you can go complain after your post-movie shower and get 50% of your food's cost refunded to you as in-theater credit.
>wanna see spectre on opening night
>prepurchase my tickets and popcorn online thinking i can sneak by the penis inspection
>make my way to the theater
>before i can get to my departure gate i am stopped by security
>they check my ticket and see i havent received the three necessary penis inspection stamps
>they pull down my pants and see that im uncircumcised and not wearing my chastity belt
>have to appear in court in three days
;_____;
>>62926120
Aren't you yourself responsible for making sure you get the appropriate sized one?
>>62925996
These threads are fucking stupid and cancer, amazes me how many retards contribute to this with their little retarded made up stories, fucking basement dwelling mouthbreathing shits.
>>62925292
I think this is my favorite one.
>>62926191
If you don't like them why don't go to/make a thread about something you like?
I got kicked out the the theater last time I went, because they said there were an even number of seats and they didnt want to waste one by letting me in.
They didnt even refund me my ticket or my white privilege surcharge.
>>62926189
All the theaters in the pacific northwest, in accordance with the Cinema Penetration Protection Act of 2014, have switched to having a sizer appointed for all opening night movie showings.
>Get home, long day
>Go on /tv/
>Look for threads with most replies
>See >>62918037
>"Why do I come here?"
>Come back tomorrow and the next day...
This stuff was funny at first but now it's just getting tired. Keep doing this and I guarantee it will start getting quoted widely on reddit within the end of the year
>>62926172
>have a testes ultrasound in a week
>genuinely scared because it may result in them removing one
If only I hadn't eaten all those sausages last month.
>>62921565
>forget to mind the gap
>>62926191
Wait these stories are made up?
>tfw tranny
>Go see the endocrinoligist
>He says my estrogen was quite high and wants to do a full-body exam
>Enlists a female nurse to come and watch
>Presses on my chest and says there's some breast tissue
>Then tells me to take off my skirt
>Pulls on my penis and says that there is enough skin there
I guess I passed?
>>62926991
Mine isn't.
>>62926991
I present true facts and nothing else
>>62926219
i go to reddit if i want to actually discuss film
>>62927463
what the fuck? awesome
>posting on /tv/, haven't been to the theater in a few weeks
>find a letter in front of my door
>i've been fined 5 dollars for not attended the Weekly Government Service film
>mfw
>I'm gonna have to work overtime at the coal mines tonight
>police officer binds me up and brings me to the cinema transport truck
>about 40 of us in here, extremely cramped
>after about 2 hours we arrive at the cinema
>they remove our clothes and inspect our whole body
>this takes forever
>after that we are given white tablets to swallow and are led down a hall
>we are led into a dark room with sound proof walls and reinforced doors
>several armed officers are watching us
>film starts
>it's just flickering lights and white noise for 4 hours
>halfway through some guy looks away for a second and gets shot
>me, being a loyal citizen, keep my attention on the film the whole time
>feels like being in a trance, I'm getting a bit woozy
>after that we are led out and a new group of people head in
>sent back to my cell after
I keep getting nightmares the night after. Anyone else feel strange too? I'm getting a lot of violent thoughts for some reason.
>>62919145
>>62919178
God tier senpai
>>62919589
Im sorry man but you're trying in all the wrong ways to be black, its either extremely subtle or not at all
>>62918454
It was a special 'singles only' event where the only casualties from the inevitable bloodbath would be a handful of sweaty, unlamented neets.
>>62921584
Brazil and Metropolis come to mind.
>go to my local kinema
>purchase my mandatory Amex™ "Amex-tra large" tub of popcorn and two gallon Mountain Dew™ Xbox One™, thus gaining access to cool new extras such as Call of Duty™ Zombie Mode avatars
>get in the penis inspection line
>no sweat, my penis report is spotless, I always pass by slipping the inspector a rolled up 50 under my foreskin
>they usually recommend that I go through the jewification process but my foreskin is a family heirloom so I always politely decline
>realize I forgot to take out cash, panic
>all I have on me are a bunch of quarters and my grandfather's lucky WW2 silver dollar
>fuck it, really want to see the movie, manage to cram the coins under my foreskin just before the searchlight shines on me
>finally get to penis inspection, the head of my dick looks like a chipmunk's cheek
>mandatory foreskin rollback
>coins explode everywhere
>"Sir, what's this?"
F-for you
>"Not the quarters, this?"
A s-silver dollar sir.
>"Sir, you know we only accept fiat currency."
>he rings the communist alert and I'm escorted to the bad goy room
>they make me sing God Bless The Federal Reserve twice with my foreskin pulled all the way back, luckily I don't mess up
>since I pay my foreskin tax on time every month I get out of it with only a foreskin warning and the usual jewification speech, but they deducted 3 points from my good goy license for the silver dollar which does suck
>finally get to the theater, kind of angry because I missed all the commercials
>nobody seems to have been shot yet which is weird
>"ladies, gentlemen and all non-binaries, in honor of the recent Paris attacks, our designated shooters will only be firing blanks"
>BOOOOOOOO!!!
>"we apologize for the inconvenience and will be presenting an extra fifteen minutes of racial awareness videos during the Amex™ "Cut Your Interest Rates In Half" Halftime Show"
I couldn't really hear the movie because my wife's black sons kept yelling at each other but I think it was all right
>>62918925
Dark
>>62920752
Gook plz.
>>62924831
Underrated
