>be american
>in line for troth of melted butter at cinema
>guard in the watchtower shines his spotlight on you
>nearest theater is a days trip away
>decide to save time and just watch films at my local red lobster
>walk up to hostess and ask for a table for four
>they know im alone but allow me in since the armed red lobster security is on break and they dont want to cause a fuss
>they purposely give me the shitest table in the whole bulding in the back by the restrooms
>constantly remind them that my family is on the way
>they dont buy it
>i order 4 buckets of crab legs and a cup of melted butter
>break out laptop and load up the latest yify rips
>watch sicario
>A: 10
>V: 10
>thanks yify
>every five minutes the manager walk by my table to see if im doing anything sketchy
>halfway through the film my battery starts to die
>i start to pull out my charger
>manager sees this and mistakes this for a weapon
>calls in the armed red lobster guards who are finally off break
>get shot and kicked out
>not before i tip the whole staff
>get home and wash the blood out of my clothes
>realize i left my laptop with all the yify rips back at red lobster
>cry myself to sleep that night
>>62893566
>be American
>pay $20 to get intravenous butter injections during the pre-show advertisements
>be american
>go to cinema
>surprise penis inspection
>fail the penis exam
>get banned from theater showers
Use the catalog newfag, there are already like 2 crab legs threads
>Be American
>Literally never think about europe
I left it uncapitalized intentionally
>walking through the metal detector on the way to the cinema's shower
>it triggers
>female guard asks me to take my towel off in front of everyone for a randomly selected penis inspection
Share theater gear itt
Also where to buy a shield with food slit like pic related
dumb frogposter
check em
>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself
>Decide it would be a grand aul treat altogether to head to the pictures
>Wash the blood from beating my wife off my knuckles and tack the pony into the trap
>Head off for the village
>Parish hall has the projector up, showing The Quiet Man again
>Sure look it
>Young bucks are down the back chatting up a storm
>Settle down in next to the young lad of the Quirke's
>There alone and all so he is
>"Well Mick, any luck in the bog?"
>"Ah sure tippin away now you know yourself"
>Father O'Brien stands up to give the pre-film sermon on the blessed sacrament and how we'd do well to remember the Papal writ concerning contraception
>Quick few decades of the rosary and the films starts away
>Young bucks are still chatting about the county final down the back
>Father O'Brien tells them to whisht
>Remove their caps as is only right
>"Sorry now father"
>Keep on chatting away all the same though, talking about the county final no less
>Title Card comes up: The Quiet Man
>And doesn't the Father pipe up with "You'd be hard enough pressed to find one of them around here I'd say"
S A V A G E
A
V
A
G
E
>>62893973
The Hurt Locker edition Bomb Disposal suit is great, even has a built in recording of clapping that triggers when the movie ends
>>62894374
what
>>62894374
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
The WORST. I blame capeshit.
>>62893566
I almost pissed on myself when it happened to me.
>go to see Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 6
>buy my canned ticket
>walk to concession stand and take off my 10 gallon hat
>hand it over to the popcorn madam
>"fill her up"
>she scoops it into the pile and hands it back
>"will that be all?"
>I order a cubic meter of crab fingers in a giant crystal martini glass
>walk over to the stub ripper
>I hand over my can but he hands it back and asks "what am I supposed to do with this?"
>I rifle through my pockets for a can opener but I left it at home
>all I have are my keys so I try to open the can with that
>I manage to pierce a hole but I drop my crab glass in the struggle
>glass and crab dance across the floor in slow motion
>my head is swimming and I tip backwards
>I let go of the can and it hangs in the air as time slows down
>just before I hit the floor I see the can has a built in tab to tear off
>I crash to the floor and grab madly for the can, and tear it open to reveal my ticket
>I show the ticket to the man who folds it into an origami frog, which hops off the ticket ripper's lectern in the direction of the showers
>I try to follow but my legs have turned into sheets of corrugated iron
>I open my mouth to scream, but light shoots out instead of sound
>I look around but my eyes have turned into wheels
>the wheels on the bus go round and round
>my thoughts turn into brightly coloured ribbons which fly out of my exhaust pipe, float through the air and wrap themselves around the mouths of PoC and suffocate them
The movie was average
>>62894385
absolutely rekt
>>62894374
>that entire post
>>62893566
Stop posting this
>passport, driving licence, kino pass and medical records all in order
>bank approved small business loan for small popcorn + tip
>in line to buy ticket
>Theatre militia approach me
>"Sir are you here alone?"
>Oh shit
>Try to brush them off by showing my marriage licence
>It's not working
>Assigned crank duty on the projecomatron
>be american
>guard in watchtower shines spotlight on me
>get shot
>>62893566
>live in Australia
>Not have to worry about anything except the extreme prices of butter and getting in before the showers close
God bless Australia
>>62893566
>be french
>get shot
>>62894385
holy shit i needed that laugh
>>62893566
>head downstairs to the cinema i live above
>by downstairs i mean down the fireman's pole I had installed
>pole climaxes as i hit the bottom, this will be a fine day
>crabwalk to the counter and hop over to the other side
>serve six customers before doing a triple backflib back over the counter
>cashier that takes my place with a fancy pirouette informs me I did a backflib and not a backflip
>look down and realize he's right, and I've broken my legs
>have to shell out extra to have the gorilla carry me
>buy a box of junior mints too because damn they delicious
>gorilla deposits me on my personal seat which has been modified to act as a toilet as well
>let out a few bits of gas from one of my seven assholes to test the acoustics
>they sound fine
>previews roll as i eat my sweets
>movie starts as I'm trying to get the last one unstuck from the bottom
>miss the entire film as a result
>try to shimmy back up the fireman's pole, but my legs are still broken and it's gone flaccid
>crawl to the arcade and insert a token, my last one, into the Bed Simulator 7 machine
>Bed peripheral is long since broken and useless
>have a good rest anyhow
>a single walks in
>>62894374
How fucking high is this nigga?
>>62894985
Great pic Anon
>On holidays in Bongland
>Decide to catch a movie
>Head to the local cinema and mosque
>Ticket iman charges me three foreskins of infidels for entry
>Seems pricey but pay up
>Three more foreskins for a halal-certified bowl of dry couscous, three figs and some unlevened bread
>Kneel down on my assigned prayer mat to watch the movie (Daddy Day Care)
>All images of humans are haram, and all actors are replaced by pulsing geometric patterns
>All dialogue that does not glorify Allah is haram, and has been replaced by recordings of an Iman reading Medinian suras
>Halfway through, film pauses as the adhan sounds
>Attempt to fit in, but can't figure out which direction to Mecca
>Crowd begin to notice, become restless
>A chant of 'kafir kafir' starts from the back
>Cinema guards burst in and restrain me
>Try to apologise as they load me into a cannon
>The chant of 'kafir kafir' rises as they light the fuse
>Cannon explodes, shooting me directly into the heart of paris, killing 120 individuals
Eddie Murphy was pretty good I thought
>>62895157
i like him better as a pulsing geometric shape, actually. them muzzies can do some good shit
>>62893805
badass
>Go to see Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol
>take my illegal chaffinch in my inside jacket pocket
>buy a cement mixer full of popcorn and carton of bird seed
>eat some bird seed in front of concession commissar to put her off the scent
>movie starts and all is well
>chaffinch starts chirping so I take her out and stroke her feathers
>tense scene starts and I forget about my bird for a second
>don't know how cruise is going to make it out of this one
>hold my bird tightly
>her head pops off like a champagne cork
>the blood alerts the guard sharks
>the cinema lights up as they swim towards me
>I swim away as fast as I can but my goggles start fogging up
>the leader of the sharks crabs my leg and thrashes, snapping the bone and tearing flesh away
>I think I'm done for, but the shark's boss comes in and says I should be let off with with a warning
>shark has to go clean the toilets
>I don't want to watch the rest of the film anymore
>I swim outside to wear I parked my shell
>scoot back inside butt first and curl up with just my feelers on the outside
>mourn my darling chaffinch alone
Best damn bird I ever had :(
When did these all start reading like fucking nightmares?
>>62895231
>crabs my leg
>>62895298
when you dropped that acid anon
its time to wake uuuuuppp
The previous thread had all the good stuff in it
>>62871079
Should be archived by now heh
>in line for the theatre
>Taking the usual 'Pleb or Patrician' test
>Can't name my favourite Micheal Snow installation
>assigned pleb
>Must carry the Sedan chair of the assigned patrician to the Ozu retrospective
>Set him down among the plush red velvet, peel him a few grapes
>manage to slip away as the fern fanners switch shift
>slip into the pleb cue, careful not to catch myself on the razor wire or electrified fences
>after hours of queuing, reach the admissions commissar
>"What film?"
>"I was thinking uhm maybe Knight of Cups? It looks pretty interesting and
>"Fast and Furious 18 for you"
>Thank him for the gracious gift, shuffle off to the concessions shack
>Lose some of my tattered rags to the guard dogs
>Hand over a weeks wages for some tepid water and turnip bread
>Go and stand in my assigned spot and wait for the flick to begin
>A scuffle breaks out at the front as two fellow plebs fight over some popcorn kernals stolen from the Patrician bins
>Both are hauled away to Film Reeducation school
>One attempts to prove he is not a pleb by claiming he does not need film school as he went to films
>Summarily executed
>Watch CGI Paul Walker as his hot blood pools around my feet
I don't know how many more they can milk out of this franchise to be honest
>>62894374
>the wood thieves
>>62894985I RECOGNIZE THAT GAY BLOWJOB
>go to cinema
>find a seat in the middle
>sit down and smell a horrid stench
>look around and see this giant poop on the chair beside me
>people start filling up around me
>wanting to move seat but too awkward to do so
>movie starts
>"mum, what's that smell?"
>"the man infront of us pooped himself. just hold out and I'll get you some ice cream later"
>wanting to inform her and the kid that they are mistaken, but I want to see the movie
>eventually more and more people complain and gives me disgusted looks
>some even threw their food at me
>I'm so mad at this point
>I grab the foot long turd and hold it up
>"I'M NOT THE ONE SMELLING! IT'S THIS POOP!"
>people all around turns their head in my direction
>someone yells "Watch out, a gun"
>a spotlight turns on the istant the gun was mentioned
>sniper misses me and hits the poop making it explode all over me
>guys in hazmat suits comes in and carries me out
>bit of a hub-bub around the parish because the dark knight rises is being shown on friday
>few people in their best array for it, lookin tidy
>some discontent in the lobby with glynn [cinema owner] being accused of cashing in on the hub-bub
>ieuan not happy "gotta be a banker for a bag of juicy fruits with you now is it glynn?"
>notorious opening scene
>bane's plane appears over cia's, it's obviously bigger
>some johnny comelately brainbox says "perspective up to its old tricks again"
>obviously bane's plane is bigger, somebody says "load of bollocks from you"
>boredom setting in in the third act
>one old lad saying to the morgan matriarch "when your old man used to go to the gym he was such a lank of piss mind you they'd put weights on either end of him and lift him"
>glynn selling goodybags for a premium on the way out
>be european
>vacation in america
>decide to see a film in the cinema
>ticket lady asks whether I'm going by myself or not, to which I said that I am alone
>she seems shocked and tells me about this No Single Policy
>the woman says that judging by my accent I must be european, to which I confirm, she lets me pass
>in the hallways I find my way to the snackbar
>l take a quick look at the items at stock and order myself half of the smallest popcorn
>american portions are so big
>I make my way to my seat and wait patiently for the movie to begin
>the room gets more and more full
>suddenly people starts cheering and applauding and stands up
>I do not have the faintest idea of what's going on, but I do the same to not stick out
>I look ahead and see the american flag filling the screen
>the whole room starts pledging allegiance to the flag, that is all besides me
>suddenly a spot light turns on and turns towards me
>"TERRORIST!" is being yelled by the most american voice you could imagine
>before I could straighten out this misunderstanding I get shot from several of the cinema goers
>I get woken up thirty minutes later by a voice asking "Credit card or cash?"
>Not having any idea of what that is going on I utter out "What?"
>"Credit card or cash? We'll need to get paid before we'll begin the bullets out of your body."
never again
>>62893566
>at local movie theatre
>black buck directs me to which theatre my movie will be in
>its just a toilet cubical with a projection
>get comfy in my seat before the movie starts
>mfw i hear black buck on the other side of the wall as a hole opens up
>>62893805
Well , to be honest , we did think about France when that thing happened a couple of months ago
>>62893566
>it ain't me starts playing
>>62894374
Simply epic. Posted on r/4chan
![Picture+2[1].png](https://i.imgur.com/3rxmbjO.png "Picture+2[1].png")
>tfw kicked out of the theater for failing to answer the sphinxes riddle
>>62893566
>troth
The word is trough, you ignorant nigger.
>off to see Attack of the Clones part VI
>ticket buying, tipping, whole kernel corn buying, tipping, and showering, go off without a hitch
>successfully rent a room for after the movie (hopefully I'll get lucky and bring a girl up there for the night)
>attendant directs me to theater 14
>fuck
>theater 14 is the one with the fucking dog kennel in it
>not as bad as theater 21 which doubles as a range for Novorossian soldiers, but shitty nonetheless
>have to sit through A New Hope part III with dogs barking frantically and shitting everywhere
>mfw
>>62893566
>carnival is in town
>go with a couple friends and this one chick I'm trying to bang
>we all get smashed on cheap beer before going
>buddy Trevor steals a corn dog then acts all paranoid all night long
>place starts closing at 8 so we leave to get more booze
>after drinking a ton we see its already 11 and decide to crash in a closed chucky cheese
>nothing I side works and we all get bored and pass out except me
>I finish off the rest of the beer and finger stacy's pussy
>get the bright idea to steal some balls from the ball pit and shove them up her vag and steal her panties
>wander into the movie theater across the mall
>it's now 4 and the place is opening
>NSP would have stopped me but I brought along a dead goldfish and my falcon
>they now have machine ticket booths but they still model them to look like sexy high school girls
>the elevator is now the stub ripper
>take it down to my floor
>usher in the elevator takes my stub and brands me on the ass with the theatre logo, what movie I was watching and what time
>hand me a fancy ass menu
>order the bucket of butter and 12 chicken nuggets
>get complimentary crab legs
>seat are just lawn chairs
>and they're still being unfolded
>only two other people there
>butt naked and fucking with the seat folder right there
>he's jacking off to them fucking so there's only 1 opened seat on the other side them
>pass out 30 minuets into the trailers
>wake up with three tickets stapled to my forehead and im covered in jizz
>one for not watching all the adds, one for not eating my food, and one for not tipping
>whole trip cost me $6000
that was the cheapest time I've ever gone to the movies
these threads are the best part of /tv/
>>62901196
I've saved every story. Quite the collection I have.
>go to cinemas
>ticket ripper charges me $35,000
>they've changed the admission price to that of a private university year since Quentin Tarantino started saying he went to films rather than film school
>I refuse to pay
>Hear an aggravated voice behind me say "What's going on here?", I turn around and it's Kekoldino
>since no one is filming he whups my ass up and down the street
the peanuts movie was alright
>>62894374
At least you got to vote for Bernie Sanders.
>>62893566
>Be a Scandikek going to Detroit to get my lady keked infront of me from multiple gang-bangers
>Decide to go to the movies
>Get one of the bangers to drive me
>Get my privilege checked 15 times by feminists and betakeks in the queue to get tickets
>Get my Ameribrew and my cornbread
>Sit down and get comfortable
>the entire audience starts clapping
>movie starts
>half-way through the Ameribrew has accumulated in my bladder thanks to the cornstarch being hyper-concentrated
>clap twice
>the movie pauses
>the audience freezes in place
>the lights turn on
>walk into the bathroom and piss everywhere
>walk to the popcorn stand and piss in the usher's petrified face
>grab and squeeze the female cashier's tits and ass, while a single tear runs down her cheek
>get back into the theater and proceed to face-fuck every girlfriend who's brought their boyfriends to see the movie
>fart in their faces for good measure and shit in their popcorn
>bang a mom who brought her three kids
>sit down and clap.
>the movie continues without anyone noticing what had happened.
This is the secret every tourist needs to know.
>>62893566
>Want to go see Spectre
>Nearest one is a 45 minute horse ride
>Only own a mule so it'll take even longer
>Theatre doesn't even sell burritos, only tacos
>Kids will be running around with their toy guns that flash light and play sounds
What's even the point
>be American
>stop at security checkpoint to enter city
>stop at security checkpoint to enter shopping mall
>DNA mouthswab and visual mouth inspection to enter checkpoint for theater
>Stop at security checkpoint for theater
>Negro shot on sight coming out of theater
>Crowd goes dead silent: How did a Negro survive this long without being killed? Why would he go out in public? Why is a Negro exiting this movie theater? What kind of theater is this that he could have gotten in, to begin with? What kind of trouble lies ahead?
>Just then, a ruckus at one of the miniplex doors, just my luck, going into my showing of RAPIST COP 3 in OCULUS
>Dissidents failed to cheer for joyrape scene at climax of film
>But why would they pay money to see that movie since they know they must wear biomonitors
>Is this a movie theater or another suicide wave?
>Are they going to interrupt my immersion in the joyrape?
>Live in buttfuck, nowhere
>nearest cinema is 85 minute drive away
>it's in a city big enough to have one but not so large they can enforce a no singles
>buy a ticket to spectre
>put my cloth I the locker and enter the shower
>attach the breathing mask and visor doing my best bane impersonations until the attendant straps me in and turns on the fluid
>swore i could hear her say something about my dick being small
>as soon as the tank fills the droning noise starts
>sounds like hypnotoad but deeper and slower
>as soon as I feel my soul slowly leave this mortal coil and enter the ether a loud ding
>drop on the cold steel convulsing
>slowly all my senses return one by one
>remember who I am
>shower the juices off and go home
>>62901806
Shut up, Sean.
>>62893599
>nearest theater is a days trip away
nigga I can drive 10 states in a day
>want to watch the new Hobbit
>decide to go alone to the cinema
>got my ticket ordered onkine, so go straight to the stall
>buy a paper bag filled with poop
>buy a bottle of poop
>go into cinema
>slip because my new poop shoes still havent dried
>hit the floor with a splat since its tiled with poop
>my clothes are poop and gets everywhere
>try to get up but keep slipping
>line behind me start sighing and looking at their watches, which slips off their arms because the clocks are made of poop
>i start to sink into the floor
>a fitting death
>be me
>live in Tolerance Zone #65
>be nu-trans fourth trimester transsensual Angst Profile ZETA-8 genderqueer pseudo-dyke reformed lesbiophilic heteromollusc
>see cis white male at the zoo
>ask "mommies, what's that?"
>they don't know
>Genderless Polyamorous Parental Unit #2 takes me into a Safe Zone and engages the Feelings Shield
>tells me that it is a monster from the beforetime
>tells me not to be scared, because the monsters' penisocracy was smashed by the forces of the LBJQGTA5 Coalition in the Patriarchy Wars
>start to cry
>s/he opens his and/or her rainbow mesh vest and retrieves an estrogen pill to cheer me up
>feel the calming femininity wash over me
>s/he tells me that the monsters aren't allowed to hurt anyone anymore, only to work, to support our glorious society
>go back out to gaze once more at the cis-gendered abomination
>throw Privilege Peanuts at him
>everyone laughs
>take some soma
>go home and watch some consensus-approved feelings-safe videotainment
