What's your favorite Karl quote?
>'ad to thump it in the 'ed
"This ship were that big, right, that it had rough areas"
Little hairy chinese kid
Too many.
His head come off
When he was talking about the little monkey jail. Why couldn't he say the word theft properly?
What 'appened to yer brotha'?
He died.
>>62881134
"His head was in perfect condition, it just wasn't attached to his body"
From his diary entry, about why Australia has so many dangerous animals.
"Spiders and snakes normally like to hide under rocks. The Earth is one big rock. Australia is at the bottom of the big rock and they're trying to hide under it."
>>62881197
>"Spiders and snakes normally like to hide under rocks. The Earth is one big rock. Australia is at the bottom of the big rock and they're trying to hide under it."
Amaze
>>62881197
>>62881236
He's right.
If it's all about the arse, why don't gays like a little bit of tit.
>>62881318
>Infinite space in every direction around planet
There is no "bottom" to Earth. "Top" and "bottom" are entirely arbitrary things humans made up to draw countries on a flat map.
Australia is just as much the top or side of the planet as it is the bottom.
I find his life situations funnier than his quotes
like the time he was bored in a hotel room and read the phonebook
>>62881523
Or typing in "why?" to try and confuse a computer
and a meatree an' that..
The director of 28 days later is shoutin' about sleepin' outside.
DB
>>62881783
Dan yell bed in field!
"I have full-blown AIDS and I'm dying."
>>62881403
WTF goes through the head of someone posting shit like this?
>>62881403
literally kill yourself.
>>62881068
I don't know how you can even *look* at that face without wanting to bury your fist in it but then looking like a mongoloid freak's not normal here like it is in the UK.
>>62881855
>shitposts
>by asking why someone else is shitposting with valid responses.
Karl would call you a "knob head"
>>62881961
mom I'm being bad on the internet!
Uh huh. Watch that edge, kid
>>62882040
He'd be on the ground trying to sweep together the splinters of his teeth soon afterwards.
>>62882064
Woah don't you talk like that
Mommmm I'm being cyberbullied
>>62881403
Thanks for explaining that, I was genuinely stumped as to why people would find that quote funny.
>>62881523
>Risked dying in a burning building so a fireman wouldn't see his boner
>Talking to a fireman didn't make him lose his boner
>>62882064
lol shut up nerd
>>62882272
>>Talking to a fireman didn't make him lose his boner
Firemen are sexy.
>Eyes that sort of poke out of their head... Steve..
>A dog has got... Human eyes.
>>62882401
He's not gay, he goes out at a reasonable time
I had a spicy sausage
>>62881403
Shut up and fuck off, retard.
turns out
little monkey fella
theres a shadow right
right
pushing people off bikes
gervais breaks down laughing
>>62882561
>HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA
that's the kind of laugh you want as a ringtone
Either:
>"...the ducks looked worried"
Or
>"I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse"
>>62881403
hi rebbit
>>62881403
I think I understand but could you ELI5?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTf1FPRLbZ0&feature=related
Karl Pilkington talks about a him-her and is confused by transexuals
>>62881068
"Turned out it was a tumour but a pork chop she sat on 10 years earlier and it had stuck to her arse"
>>62882642
s-she, h-he i-is a man... well...
lel
Phil Colonsss
Phil
Phil
Phil Coll
That Rockbusters is where they actually feel bad for how mentally retarded Karl is. It's amazing.
>>62882657
This is amazing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pu4DT9_w7yM
it was about a fire that didnt 'appen.
a wife that didnt exist.
and a cat that didnt look 'appy.
>>62881068
"Don't do it, Jimmy."
Well, nobody likes to pick on an invalid.
>>62882681
>you're talkin'...I've never...you are..play a record, play a record
>I couldn't believe it!
>stop the record, stop the record
I'm tearing up from laughing
The bit where he's trying to do the burger eating world record and he mumbles "I can't do this either" with his mouth full of burgers.
It's the best Ricky laugh too.
Talking about the nuclear bomb and 'ow powerful it was
and they strapped a manhole cover to one.
Blew it up.
Never saw the manhole cover again.
>>62882561
HAHAHAA THE MAYOR INVOLVED!?
>>62882433
They just do stuff don't they? I dunno what they do.
Little gay fellas an that.
...a monkey that cant even spell
>>62882681
I love it when Karl laughs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OcCtuitdb8U
Man Moths?
"it wasn't a beaver, there's no way it was a beaver"
"alright, an otter"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzZV-Lti0HY
Hulk...he wasn't happy.
>>62881403
You are literally stupider than Karl
>>62882421
>Have you got a ruler, Rick?
>>62882937
that's pretty rich considering how much like something he'd say it is, meaning something you and the rest of these crayon-eaters would laugh at
tl;dr you're right to be so upset
>it's a Karl makes an interesting, complex observation about life and the universe and edgelord Gervais laughs and dismisses his point
>>62883935
>Karl makes an interesting, complex observation about life and the universe
He's a dull twat and you're worse.
>>62883952
it only occured to me recently that he was being clever about the doppelganger thing
its also great when hes right about the lighthouse, or other small victories where ricky has to backtrack and move the goalposts to remain the winner
but yeah hes mostly wrong
>>62881068
"Cat food, it stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell the little kitten will die."
Karl took two quotes and made one up himself and Ricky and Steve had to guess which one of the three was his. You can imagine what their reaction was as soon as he said "cat food".
(at the great wall of china)
''you can see it for miles, goes on over the hills and everything, but so does the M6''
>>62882798
That particular laugh sounds exactly like a firework going off.
>>62882931
>superman, he didn't tell lewis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hikVQQC6k0s
GALILEO
DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT
SCIENCE
PLEEEEEEAAAAAAASE
MAKE ME
TELEVISION
>>62881068
>the pyramids were a jenga game gone off the handles
or something
it was hilarious
>>62883935
>>62884044
It took me forever to realise what he meant with the doppelgänger thing but he does have a point.
Ricky is always too quick to jump down Karl's throat about something. Like "what are those things in Gremlins called?" They're not called Gremlins they're Mogwai and he said it because somebody said Mowgli, but Steve and Rick take the piss out of him all show until a listener corrects them, and even then they still use that line to mock him for years even though it was them that were stupid.
>>62884697
I think he was talking about Casaba-Howitzer
>>62884405
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrxUXxHlgn0
just after 1 minute in
it's greta, thanks for reminding me. one of the best ricky laughs
>>62884958
like a game of jenga that's gone out of hand, I think
>>62885059
it took me years, but if he had just said "how do I know I'm the original" or something it would have been obvious that they're the ones in the wrong. I wonder if he didnt know how to word it, or he left it because its funnier. After listening to the XFM stuff and comparing to the later things, where he sorta knows what will be funny, I can't tell which things he fully believes
the way i see it...
Not Karl but
Supermarkets are introducing square tins..
...Steve.
when he rekt that other guy who's ricky's yes-man in the show
The pope wears a semi precious stone... What's the stone?
Is he actually retarded? I really don't know.
Karl Malone - "To catch the ball, face up, look at all of my options and then pass. I was playing hot potato. I didn't want to be the guy to stall the triangle."
>tfw Kobr bullied the shit out of Karl in that one year with the Lackers
Does his wife exist or is it like in Frasier with Nile's wife?
>>62881068
>not needed
>baby dead
>>62885605
She's probably real. If she's not real then everything back to 2002 is completely fake, and that seems like too much work tbqhwym
>the ducks looked worried
In reference to not wanting to date a woman with bone marrow cancer.
>Would you buy a car with a duff engine?
>>62886092
Myyyyyyyyyy
Girlfriend
Haaaaaaaaad
A problem
With her
Morrow
>>62882681
anyone know the song at the end?
>>62886308
Caught by the River - Doves
>>62885059
Ricky also got the door to heaven riddle wrong in that episode.
While ranting about how useless jellyfish are and how we should get rid of them
>jellyfish are like 97% water, right?
>>yeah
>well just... give 'em another 3%... and make 'em water
have they read shakespeare?
if moths had eyes
His skull fell off.
>>62887003
What do you mean his skull fell off?
>>62881403
Fuck off ausfag everyone knows you're at the bottom, nothing will change that.
I like how he believed that Plug from the Bash Street Kids was a Walt Disney creation. It's small things like this that appeal to me.
The lad with two heads got ran over. Which made me think... why didn't he just look both ways?
>like a ripped tennis ball
Dreams...What are they
>>62888303
Link?
I never heard this
>>62885545
He's not retarded, but he's not a very intelligent man. It's also just the way he is with his words that makes stuff come out funny occasionally.
>Turns out, little monkey prostitute
>>62888773
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2_zaNvvJBQ&t=29m30s
>>62881068
Karl is actually very wise, it just so happens that he grew up in Manchester so he doesn't exactly have a way with words, he also happens to be opposite a pair of psuedo-intellectuals who try and make him out to be dumber than he is. Karl has said plenty of things that make perfect sense if you just try to get to the root of what he's saying. That being said, the xfm radio shows are perfect.
So Solid Poo.
Theres... Theres this thing in it.
Honestly Steve, it could be your brother.
>>62889875
Have you aged well?
Yes
You've aged well?
Yeah i've kept my looks
Oh...
>>62881068
When he calls out Steve on how aide to Africa is useless.
ManMoth?!
>>62881068INVALID
not really a quote by him but when Steve is reading his diary and he writes about receiving a letter for Mr. Dilkington
>>62882561
this sounds hilarious anyone have a link?
>>62890417
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imcIrECI70Y
>>62881068
Turns out....
lol monkeh fella
>>62881068
"What are them things in Gremlins called?"
every damn time
>>62890473
Mogwais, mate.
>>62890437
No actually, not a quote, but when he's suggesting game show ideas, and his idea 'big mother'
if your mams fat you call in and win a cd
>>62884135
Fuck that was such a good episode
literally first 3 words and ricky was on the floor
>>62884697
>that should be interesting for meatballs
>rickys laugh
MY FUCKING SIDES
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_V0d5wTsIo4
Question is though...do we need em
>>62890473
That bit was painful because it was obvious he meant mogwai and it was gervais pushing it. Not funny at all.
>>62890523
>>62890657
Note "Them" not "That"
>liking anything gervais or pilk have done since the office and xfm season 3
Newcastle in the year 1900
The sights and sounds of old England
"Can I have half a pound of those sweets please"
"Of course you can!"
And of course there was no television
Why would you need an air conditioned jacket? Why not just take the jacket off?
Currently listening to the one where Karl finds out his GCSE results, any others I should immediately check out?
>>62890771
>defending gervais
>>62890891
Seasons 1 and 2 and the start of season 3 are all gold. Then gervais just starts to bully him and they begin to reuse old material
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsV98lyfqzY&ab_channel=JMichael
>>62890434
cheers thanks
>>62890891
All of them
I honestly dont know. I listen to the old XFM's at work, I've heard every one of them at least 10 times.
The one that always comes to mind is the yoghurt you can have a chat with
If your new to it, I recommend season 2, season 3, then season 1. Season 1 is absolute gold, but its at its best when you can appreciate the rise of karl
Ive literally been listening to them almost every week for about 3 years. Do i have autism?
>>62891065
Everyday mate, so you could be much worse
>>62881068
>if you can't look a knob in the face there's something wrong with you
>>62891065
I have periods where I listen every day for commute, going places, doing chores etc. it's just so damn funny, so comfy, and has enough variety and material so when you reach the end of xfm and the podcast you can start all over
"I could gob a knob at night."
I know she's just 16 but looking all of 21
That's
Because
The chiiiiiiinnnneeeaaassseee
Look
Older
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsdG6n3Jyo0
Heard somthing about Gervais and Merchant falling out a while back, is it true?
>>62892011
Rick keked him
I'm watching through the XFM stuff and Ricky is funnier than what I thought he was
>>62890473
That seemed to be the first time that Karl realized how stupid he was.
>youve got nice ankles
So many great throwaway quotes. Mainly Ricky and Steve.
"Uh mayor? We got a shadow.."
"Excuse me sir you can have this back!"
"What you doing tonight?"
"We're going out Foxy!"
"Have a good time!"
"Some Japanese bird outside?"
"I'm not interested."
"Really?"
"And I'll never change my views"
"I've made a blunder live on air!"
"Oh look here's mr noisy neighbour!"
"Hello? What's going on here?"
"I sound like a caveman who's been unfrozen! What's this!?!?"
And I love gervais DJ voice
"Hickory Dickory Docks, some lads just wrote a song called clocks! The lads are Coldplay!!"
>>62890526
I die everytime.
Who do you guys like better: Dr Frog, Ho Lee Fook or Camp David/Gayvid Gray the bent pianist?
>>62892608
My favourite comedy character is Steve merchant.
>>62892468
Ricky and Steve have some great moments without Karl. The Elvis bit always makes me laugh
>"Oh I'm fed up, I wanna, I wanna fake my own death."
>"Yeah, and what methods have you got?"
> "I'd like to be found shitting myself dead on the toilet."
>"You'd like to do what?"
>"I wanna be a big.. fat.. mother fu.. on the toilet just shitting myself to death...trousers around my ankles."
>"No Elvis, it's a good idea, I'm just wondering if there's maybe something a little bit more glamorous for your favorite death, I mean maybe you could take a bullet for the president?"
> "Huh... what and shit all over him? Just shit myself..."
>"No no, there'd be no crap at all."
>"There has to be... there has to be shit involved."
>>62882020
Don't you all descend from the trash we threw out 400 years ago?
>>62881403
Why do they call it down under then?
You smell. You shit.
>>62881754
underated post
EAT YOUR FUDGE TREV YOU CUNT
Like a ripped tennis ball.
"you dont see black ghosts"
Anyone got that video about the ghost in Boston but it's slowed down and it sounds like they're drunk?
>>62893803
Just watch this >>62890434 at 0.5x speed in youtube settings
Not a quote, but the time he got sick as a kid for not getting a computer game for christmas. Or when he was so happy of going to bed, that he started laughing until sleep. That comfyness.
It's those "...oh"moments he utters that really sells the joke.
>>62885471
After a while you get the gist that Karl is doing it deliberatelly while playing dumb. Merchant is a goldmine for banter material
>In Valentine's day,....do you feel happy that no many women fancy you, or that you don't have to spend money in gifts or cards?
He's done you again, Steve!
>>62889966
>>62893491
My sides
>>62893902
Ingenious.
"theres this shadow in america right"
"..photographer"
"how would i know which one i was?"
"alright kirsty"
"christ de berg"
"these monkeys eyes bulge out of there head... steve"
Karl rub me back.
>>62893902
>IIIIT WUSSS PUSSSSHIN PEEEPLE OFF THE BAIKKSSS
>HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HUH HUH HUH HUH
>>62894176
Octopuses are very weird things to look at...
If I was an alien visiting Earth, and they were introducing me to everything, and they said "Right, here's man, here's woman, here's a dog, here's a cat, here's an octopus, here's a- "
I'd go "hang on a minute, what is THAT?"
What was that story when he nearly died hanging out a window or something? Has anyone got a link to the clip.
"once you got something, that leads to other...ness"
>>62881068
None. I can't stand his accent.
>It's a Ricky bullies Karl but Karl was right all along episode
Clive Warren
https://youtu.be/wVMZN1QzTzY?t=2m45s
>>62894318
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lDc1CkOF1M
If we ever make contact with aliens i want Karl to do it
"Every noise has been used at least 5 times"
Have you seen some lesbians? They're right dogs.
>>62884764
And you'll never
Sea
An old man
Eton
Maaaaaaaars
Bar bar bar
>>62881068
When asked if he had a clone of himself what would he do with it he replied
"How would i know which one i am?"
So, there's this bloke, right? He's a school teacher, and he's into all chemistry and physics an' that. Handing out homework to the kids, drawing... atoms an' that on the blackboard, stuff like that. And he's basically a good bloke, got a wife. His son is disabled and 'e has a baby on the way. Family bloke.
Anyway, he ends up with.. cancer. An' 'e starts doing all this mental stuff, exploding buildings an' that. 'Cause he starts making cocaine and heroin and sellin' it for loads of cash on the side 'cause teachers are never paid enough, yeah?
So he goes to the desert, 'cause he lives in America an' they have deserts where...
He stays near a desert.
One day he heads out with a bunch of metal bits and pieces, and 'e builds a machine gun from scratch in no time flat. You don't see 'im making the bullets but he's a switched-on bloke and 'e knows 'is stuff. Maybe he bought some from a gun shop.
And basically, he ends up putting this big machine gun in his car and when he presses a button on... his key thing. Key fob. And the gun pops up out of the car and it can shoot through walls an' that. Kills a bunch of people.
Basically I think the lesson is "pay teachers more money because they could go mental."
Get 'yer knickers off.
Rockbusters anyone?
I'll start with an easy one -
I was in Texas the other week, I fell over and landed on my knees in a puddle (WH)
>>62881068
Why can't they move to a new place. How far away are they...these Papa...Papa people?
In Satisfied Fool Karls IQ is said to have been 83.
>>62896202
Fucking brilliant
>>62881114
One of the best. It pops into my head a lot actually.
"worms with teeth"
i like that susanne just doesnt bother with him anymore
>>62881403
Almost guarantee this guy is in middle school
>>62882115
>...Steve
>>62897171
Funniest/weirdest story ever
>None of this now needed, baby dead
WHO WAS THAT NOTE FOR
>it's a ricky accuses karl of offending chinese people for saying they all look alike episode
ABSOLUTE TWADDLE
Apparently... right... there's this channel on the internet.
>I think you misunderstood something.
No, really, it's, there's a channel 4 on the internet. They have kids, and television, and animals.
>Is this a monkey news? Should we play the-- play the intro, do it.
>AWWWWWW CHIMPANZEE THAT HE'S GONE AND WRITTEN IT DOWN
Alright? They show this bloke, from the batman films, and he's knockin' about on a plane... and they say he's a big guy. I think he sounds like... he sounds like the guy who played James Bond.
>Of course.
Now I wouldn't say he's a big guy, I'm probably... I would say I'm probably the same size as him.
>Do you have any idea what he's talking about?
>I've no idea what he's on about. A plane in the batman film? Do you mean the third one, with Tom Hardy?
Yeah, he's got a mask on, and he's--
>Karl, what the fuck are you on about, there's a channel on the internet that shows Tom Hardy on the plane in Batman over and over?
>That's a good movie.
>I thought it was shit.
They say he's a big guy. And then it's, for you.
>What?
For... for you.
>Don't talk shit, Karl. I swear to god that was the most useless waste of time we've ever had on this show.
>>62882846
free buttplug with every purchase
>>62898158
ABSOLUTE SHIT
Did anyone else like that one where Steve was a dick and bullied Karl and spoke badly about Suzanne so Karl got mad and rekt him?
>>62890434
Sorry...SORRY...I thought it was shite
the xfm shows and podcast were so comfy, why'd it have to end lads
![wzbhTdW[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/WtfS7IF.jpg "wzbhTdW[1].jpg")
>>62898650
imagine this obnoxious fuck coming into work hungover or still drunk and squeezing your head and terrorizing you for two hours..
>>62891256
>That is the most rubbish, awful, RACIST material ever to be played on radio
>Play it again!
drunk bees knockin' about
PARROTS BLOOD
>"Now show me your butt, oh yes mon dieu that's lovely"
YOU'RE
TALKING
SHIT
>bollocks to that!
