>Go to cinema
>The showers are broken
>in the cinéma shower
>no one else is around
>squat over the drain and shit
>mush the shit down the drain with my feet
who /mischief/ here?
>>62789226
>>62788884
>squat over the drain
knew this was some kind of slav garbage.
>go into the movie showers
>they wont let me use them because I'm alone
>I can't bring my crab legs in
>penis inspection day is tommorow
>go to the cinema
>falcons keep swooping down and shitting in my crab legs
>>62789226
>He didn't say "wafflestomp it down the drain"
One job dumb frog.
>be canadian
>theater shower is coin operated
>forgot to bring a toonie
>walk up to a naked black man who is currently showering
>ask him if he has one to spare
>he sees my circumcised boner
>he kicks my ass and then the security drags me out
>i'm bloody and naked and still have a boner in the middle of the ticket buying area
>see my crush with some chad in the lineup, they're buying a ticket to the new christopher nolan movie
>mfw
>>62789307
Look on the bright side man, we're playing crabcock this Friday!
Do Americans really have showers in their theaters? Why?
>>62789580
to clean the blood off
>>62789580
What, do you yuros have baths or something?
>2015
>stewing in your own filth
>>62789580
To wash up after slathering ourselves with the butter from our popcorns
>>62789580
lol so you just watch movies in a theater filled with filthy unwashed people? how do you stand it?
>>62789580
We don't wanna to smell like butter all day yuropoor. This is simple fugging shit.
>>62789580
Only /tv/ Kinos sir.
Now, will that be extra butter on your crab legs?
When will cinemas start selling body armour?
>>62789580
My hands are a little dirty
>>62789724
>body armor
>not a protective bulletproof box
>>62789636
>Euros
>bathing
>>62790502
Why don't Europeans use deodorant? You know we can all smell you when you come here as tourists.
>go to bed
>forget to put my shoes on
>>62790546
do americans really do this?
>>62790659
>not keeping your shoes on while you're sleeping in case of a mexican getting over the wall
And yuropoors wonder how all the refugees got in.
>>62790659
Yeah that way your feet stay warm and you don't stub your toe on the bottom of the bedrest.
>>62790659
Yes, we can afford beds. We don't have to dig holes in the sand like you yuros.
>>62788884
why are there showers in ur theater?
Like a theater with plays?
>>62790659
>not wearing shoes during sex to prevent accidental foot arousal
This is a big thread.
>>62790719
Movies in America can be up to 3 1/2 hours long. Are you seriously not gonna shower before or after that??? We have showers in our gyms, too.
>>62790804
>It ain'tfor youstarts playing in the Kinéma showers while Tyrone has me bent over a stall ramming me during my penis inspection while eating crabs legs at the same time
>>62789580
what do yuropoors do when they get sweaty from the dance intermissions?
>>62791063
Jesus fuck my sides
>>62790659
It stems from the early 1900s when people had to work long hour shifts and shitty bosses, to speed up the morning routine they would sleep in their shoes
>go to cinema
>the toilets don't have bidets and the showers are out of order
>take a big smelly shit like I usually do before sitting down to watch movies
>wipe as much as I can but the mudbutt is real
>pretty fucking upset that there are no working showers because now I can't clean myself
>pull down my shorts in the theater and start wiping shit on every single seat in the center of the theater
>tfw the movie was Spectre
>tfw literally shit on a shit movie
Sometimes life finds a way of working out even when it's fucking you.
>>62788884
>mfw Americans call the Shiney Whiney Screeny Weenie a "theatre"
>>62791099
turn knives into chastity belts
>there are people on this board right now who dont dangle their crab legs out of their pants' fly to trick the penis inspectors
>tfw failed my last penis inspection at the theatre because I had penis mites and had to go to the Genital Re-Education Camp
Now my mum has disowned me and I'm on the dole. All my m8s treat me like shit and call me "Mitey Mong". It wasn't worth going to see Hotel Transylvania 2 by myself even if it was one of Sandler's dankest kinos.
>>62791347
If I do that my falcon would perch on it.
So should I call my local better business bureau? I went to das Kino last weekend, during the singles only showing of Goosebumps and they were completely out of krab legs, hell they didn't even have any Orange Roughy or Mahi Mahi. How am I supposed to enjoy the cinema when my homemade melted butter is just going to be wasted?
>go to school
>it's penis inspection day
I hope no one here walks into a movie with an unbathed falcon perched on their arm
>Go to cinema
>They ran out of staples
Sigh why bother
>>62791347
>touching a crab with your penor
you will get the Krusty Special
>not tucking a spaghetti pouch between your legs to get past the penis inspectors before entering your preshow shower
>save up money to see Avatar at the theater
>waiting in a huge line
>the fat lady in front of me gets the last 3d injection
>"We're all out of syringes, sorry about that folks"
>have to wait 2 more weeks to see it and all my friends have already spoiled the plot for me
>>62791358
>>62791254
>That pic
lel fucking what?
>>62791438
stick it together with butter, whatever it is
>>62791358
Penis mites are my new favorite submeme.
>>62791438
Last week the printers at my theater were out of ink and I couldn't print my essay
>>62791479
>Not just sharing a syringe
>>62791358
What exactly is a genital re-education camp?
>>62791553
how were they printing the tickets then eh, guy?
>>62791577
That's one spicy JUST meme right off the presses!
>>62791584
they show your penis videos on a little screen while you sign some forms
>it's summer and girls are wearing flip flops
>some even slip them off and prop their feet on top of the seats
>start shitting and farting uncontrollably, have to sit through the entire movie in a mushy dump
The Muslims have the right of it, it should be illegal for a woman to show off her flesh.
>>62791584
they call it "university" in bristol
>dip my silly wick in the communal butter trough
>none of the ushers will shivvy their hands on me wicky
>go into the movies with a moist, hard, and buttery wicky
Terrible service at Regal Cinemas as usual.
>>62791594
There are no tickets at my theater, we have a bar code tattooed on our forearms that verifies our purchased tickets and biometric data
>chilling in the movie theatre
>flicks about to start as i unbuckle myself from the chair incase of shooter
>i kick out the footrest and toss in $5 for the massage function of the chair
>chair starts vibrating intensively alongside the rest of the crowd doing the same
>the movie sucked because they mustve fucked up the sound editing on hit because all i could hear was buzzing
>mfw they wouldnt give me my money back
i mean whatever i guess
>>62791584
They make you do penis learning exercises and if you don't learn how to have a clean penis that will pass inspection they gas you like the Nazis did those 600 billion innocent Jews.
Who /savedfromashooterbyfalcons/ here?
>tfw had to order a hooker from craigslist to get to my local cinema because of no singles policy
;_;
>Go to cinema
>Bring spare socks in my back pocket
>Walking up the sand mound to my seat
>Socks fall out and fall in the sand
I get that it makes cleanup easier, but wouldn't it be more convenient for everyone to have like rows of seats instead of putting chairs on top of a large pile of sand. Without spare socks, the sand gets all over my car, and I'm not taking a damn railcar to the cinema.
>>62791792the sand is old popcorn
>>62791792
>mfw when I bring my cat to the cinema and it takes a wet shit on the pile in front of everyone
I keep trying to sneak in my own homemade duck butter into the théatre but the contraband detecting sniffer dogs keep finding it. I heard that they're even going to start using infrared thermal vision drones to detect smuggled live crabs. sm
>cinema doesn't allow homemade butter
>crab legs come with cheap butter
So in Europe every theater has an Imam now right? To make sure that each film doesn't violate Sharia law, wouldn't want to make all those refugees uncomfortable over there.
>>62791777
>Order a hooker to go see Interstellar because of the no singles policy
>She laughs at me when I start crying at the end
>As we're walking out ask her where she wants to go to have sex
>She tells me she just wants to be friends
>mfw
>>62791919
At the theaters here in Baltimore they only serve cold butter sticks now because of the riots. Its really inconvenient.
>failed my penis inspection and lost by movie watching license
What do bros? I haven't taken the test in 5 years and this year's is in 3 days
>go to cinéma
>it's Bring Your Falcon Tuesday
>>62792014
Start studying right now and pray you don't have penis mites.
>>62792001
>tfw weapons grade butter is illegal
>no way to stop James Holmes 2.0
THANKS OBAMA
>>62792014
Just make sure your pubic hair and foreskin is completely shaven, and don't forget to soak it overnight in perfume.
>>62792014
Are your injections up to date? This is important
>>62792034
>the falcon bidet' is out of order
>>62788884
>showers are broken
>have to use the sink with the powdered soap
>the district penis inspector drops by to do a random inspection
>have to wait with my pants down for her to get to me for twenty-five minutes
>she does my inspection
>6 on pubic hair cleanliness
>5 for size (flaccid)
>2 for odor
>try to explain that the showers are broken
>she doesn't want to hear it
>she takes two semen samples for post inspection testing
>tip her $5
>get to my seat 45 minutes late
>now I'll never know why Amy Schumer became such a slut
fucking showers man...
>try to
>no singles policy in effect at local cinema
>get dubs
>>62791630
*toots* hehehehe
>>62788884
does nobody else notice these fucking quads o' doom?
>>62792036
>>62792061
>>62792075
Thanks guys, hopefully I'll pass.Might even try for my cinéma watching license
>>62791792
Jesus, sand? You must be going to a pretty fancy theater if they have sand isles. Most of the ones around me just use woodchips and shredded newspaper
>>62792130
I hope your /tv/ posting history is clean, that's the first thing they check. Meme-ing too dankly is a prime way to get a ticket straight to Gitmo's MPAA division.
>>62791882
>tfw you've just seen fast 7 with the lads and you're having a look in JD and you might fancy the curry club at spoons but then your mate cal who's an absolute ledge and the archbishop of banterbury says "oi brevs let's have a cheeky nandos instead" and you think "top. let's smash it."
>>62792083
Aw man, you missed the best part. When that guy walked in and started shooting people.
>>62792100
noice
>>62789226
*'bad to the bone' starts playing*
>>62791487
radioshack
easy guess if you knew the category desu senpai
>>62792146
My theater has compost only rows. And just imagine, a Whole Foods only opened two weeks ago in my town.
>>62792034
>tfw penis inspection guard dogs are getting replaced with trained Falcons
Why are they cracking down so hard? Flick licenses are easy to obtain, it's not like they're going after counterfeit kino licenses.
My cinemá has recently introduced colonoscopy bags due to the massive amount of seat sitting that is wont to occur due to all that greasy butter. I do enjoy the concept but it is rather inconvenient having to have the opening surgical opened and seen shut every time. I also wish they would empty it out after the last person has used it but I guess it's okay
>>62792192
>top. let's smash it.
this literally visualized in my head as a scene from like a fucking teenage movie from the 90s or something and now I can't remove it from my head anymore
>walk into new cinéma in town
>they have co-ed showers
This is it /tv/, I'll finally find my waifu.
Should I were socks the first time, or go all natural and suprise them?
>go to the cinema
>denied entrance because my body hair is too long
>have to choose with getting shaved head to toe or have my ticket refunded
This has to be some sort of violation of my constitutional rights
>>62792287
You're lucky, my theater is a designated shitting cinema. Damn Poo Loo witches haunt my people every night in the village.
Anyone have tips for sneaking their works past the showers? I go to the same theatre as Charlie Sheen, so the theatre provided needles are looking a little dubious.
>the no falcon sign turns on in theater
>one swoops by anyway
>>62792320
They're going to laugh at your mite covered penis and rhythmically slap you while their boyfriend Jamal does BBC pull ups on the shower bar. Trust me, I know.
>>62792320
>Should I were socks the first time
What are you? A farmer? It's long johns only during the first stage of courtship. Don't be such a fucking degenerate.
>go to the local Kino to see Goosebomp
>hands are still buttery from my premovie popcorn
>crabs are fighting falcons in the cinema showers, blood and feathers everywhere
>more crabs are hiding in the cinema bath
>decide fuck it, I'll just wipe my hands on my dick
>get in line
>forgot it was Penis Inspection Day
>Inspection Officer gives my balls a quick cup
>can't get a grip, his hands slide right off
>he takes out a walkie-talkie
>"okay boys, looks like we have a code 17"
>they bring out a crab to snip my dick off
fucking hate the cinema
>mfw my çinema gave a complementary trowel of popcorn after a falcon swooped down and clawed by face
Lost an eye but that popcorn was mad buttery f
>take a shit in the shower
>everyone starts clapping
>go to the cinema with some friends
>get tickets
>confiscate all cell phones from my friends so they won't text and fully focus on the movie
>give everyone a zip baggy of trail mix and chicken tendies I packed the week before, that way we save money and don't buy $50 small popcorn
>one of my friends say "why do you do this anon? this is why no one wants to invite you anywhere"
>I say "it's ok I know what I'm doing"
>>62792418
well did you tip them at least?
>>62791063
holy shit
>arrive at cinéma
>forgot my mandatory film watching cape
what the fuck do I do now? If the theatre police see me I'll be arrested. Thankfully they aren't doing checks until the end of the appetizer portion of the three course meal. I might be able to use my cummerbund as a replacement.
>that feel when the guard tower spotlight shines on you in the concessions line
>be american and go to cinema in europe
>everyone is eating fried falcon wings and training their domesticated crabs
>>62792455
Swipe somebody else's during the dance intermission and just get it on quickly
.>Off to the Cinema
>It's my fourth time this year
>Know it's risky but I really want to see if Waltz is Blofeld in Spectre
>Get to the theater
>It's packed, breath a sigh of relief
>Everyone quiets as the ushers approach the stage
>Each drops a polyhedral die
>One calls the letter, the other the number
>It's a teenage girl two rows in front of me
>She panics and tries to leave
>More ushers arrive and grab her
>They force her to the front of the theater and douse her with kerosene
>It's a few minutes until she stops screaming
>Get bored and throw popcorn onto the fire like a few other audience members
>We wait
>We hear a rumbling and the projector begins to flick
>We rejoice
>The theater gods are pleased
>Ushers dim the lights and put out the fire
>Start eating buttery popcorn
>mfw Christoph Waltz was Blofeld
>>62792380
>go the local Kino
>cinema showers
Nice try but that is obviously made up. No one who actually has a Kino license would think that Kinos have such thing as "cinema" showers. I bet you think the cheap-quality and overprized cinema crab legs taste better than the homegrown motion picture prawn legs.
>>62792489
Oh sorry, "Kino Purification Chamber"
>>62792476
I hate this shit. The watchtower guards are always really harsh on the lashes for crab smuggling, too.
>>62792515
>Kino Purification Chamber
I thought those were only at the Jewish cinemas.
>tfw I got arrested because the CCTV caught me mindlessly munching on my crabée jaumbe during mandatory prayer to Muhammad (PBUH)
>hear a knock on the door
>it's a TV license enforcer
>hide the rest of the day because i dont have a license and i can't go back to the work fields.
how do you cope, /tv/?
>>62792538
Kinos adopted the name after preteen girls replaced the old 25+ cleaning assitants
>>62792100
Impressive
What's the butter pool like at your cinéma? Sometimes I catch the shower guards swimming in it during dance intermissions. Can't be good for the crab meat.
>>62792380
my lungs fucking hurt from laughing pham
>>62792566
Oh I faked my death years ago and live in Trump's Cinema Valley.
>>62792566
I usually go to the nearest police station and report that my feeling got hurt by the tv license guys
>tfw the butter showers are broken
I'm not ashamed to say I use falcon shit as a sort of substitute butter in these instances
>jaunt down to local institution for the expression on Kinographies
>present Kino license, scan eyeball, and complete Cinema Application
>Usher escorts me to pre-Kino de-plebbing station
>exposed to several minutes of various flicks and movies cut together while a panel reviews my facial expression and scans my brain activity
>a bit nervous in the Cinematic Verification room, wondering whether my reactions to Platoon reflected its cliched, predictable nature enough for the Kinographer panel
>curtly informed I may not see this night's viewing of Lost River (2014), as I didn't get dubs on the Cinema Application
>>62792228
wow that must save loads of money
not needing employees to clean the popcorn and crab refuse off the floor
>go to cinema to see Goosebumps
>guy is in front of me in line
>has a special Cinema Identification Barcode tattooed on the back of his neck so he can skip the inspection process
>he also has a fucking goose hidden underneath his trenchcoat
>sees me staring
>"his name is Bump so this is a big day for us"
my fucking face when
>getting some popcorn before Spectre
>order the usual, non-gmo fat-free air-popped with organic coconut oil (reduced fat)
>"Sorry, sir, we're out of organic. But we have the regular butter if you'd like...?"
>eh, might as well attempt to save this night, so take it
>it tastes like butter flavoured rancid canola oil
How do poorfag plebs eat this literal shit? At least the plain popcorn was alright, went and ordered another one mid movie. $63 total, but whatever
Guys, who does the penis inspections at your çÃnêmà s? My last one they just let a falcon do it and it pecked off my foreskin, i'm thinking of switching theaters
>>62792779
Is it really worth all that paperwork?
Need some advise M8's, the last 3 times I've been to the cinemá, my falcon has stolen my crab legs.
Is it time for a new falcon (and reapply for permits) or should I just be a pleb and use the loaner falcons, even if they're covered with someone elses butter?
>>62792768
If you still eat plebcorn at the cinéma must be poor too, don't delude yourself
>>62792779
Mine is a robotic Matt Damon. You have to insert your erect phallus into his mouth and make sure he at least gets some of your precum, gotta register on the scale.
>>62792779
that's fucking weird. I haven't had one of those since gym class in 11th grade. you need to go to a different theater, something is not right.
How do you deal with that feel when you have to put down a falcon for enjoying plebby flicks too much?
>go to cinema
>want to watch minions
>i turn around and i see that the rebar machine is broken again
I want off this ride
>>62792790
Nah m8, just use non-falcon butter from Costco. Loaner falcons will steal your crabs no matter what and new falcons take too long to register with the concessions. Not to mention attaining a new falcon license and properly-sized falcon shoulder perch is never worth it.
I spotted a fat, greasy neckbeard wearing socks and sandals churning my butter. I mean I guess that's usually the type of person you'd expect to find in food prep but still, I'd rather not see them. I'd prefer if you could just bring your own cow with you t
>This is the best thread on /tv/
I am 100% ok with this
also
>go to No Single cinema on with crab gf
>get there
>it is actually no penis cinema on singles inspection day
>crabfu claps my benis right off
>Tyrone injects by boipussy with his superior Nubian butter
>watch The C-uckhold
>head to the showers
>catch pajeet pooing in shoe
>wash off and head home to post about niggers on /tv/
>>62792861
My local kino hasn't screened a flick in ages so my falcon isn't tempted.
Call your cinema/kino and ask if they can provide you with a fitting blinder for your falcon if you really can't switch theatres.
>>62792806
Is it the model that says "how do ya them apples?" upon passing inspection? Those were a bit tricky to pass.
>>62789580
>Yuropoors don't have showers at their theaters
ᵀʰᶦˢ ᵖᵒˢᵗ ʷᵃˢ ˢᵖᵒᶰˢᵒʳᵉᵈ ᵇʸ ᴹᶦᶜʳᵒˢᵒᶠᵗ'ˢ ᵂᶦᶰᵈᵒʷˢ 10™
>be me
>went to see Spectre
>cashier called me out for being a single while the theater has a "No Singles" policy
>lets me in because it is midday and she "feels sorry for me"
>luck out that the showers are down for maintenance
>get to my assigned seat at the very front
>trailers finish and movie is about to start
>guard taps my shoulder and asks why I don't have my theater shoes on
>escorted out while being laughed at
>tell friend and he spoils the movie
Fuck my life...
Why does everything in this thread sound worse than anything out of 1984?
>>62792893
It might be time to find a new kino. Regulations insist that all concessions prep take place underground at least 50 yards away from the butter pool to avoid falcon contamination.
It might save time to report this to the local penis inspector.
>>62792950
Because it's trueEuropeans don't shower before and after a trip to the Kino
Can someone give me a good reason why I should renew my kino licence? I haven't had to use it since I discovered I can use the butter and feathers from the shower floors to make myself a pretty convincing falcon disguise. Then I just strangle one of the theater's loaner falcons and spend the day filling in for him
>local cinema finally enacts single's only policy
>fuck them, they can't keep me out
>go to see Spectre
>wear my cinema cape to conceal my falcon
>walk in closely behind group of normies, get in no problem
>end up behind them in line to get crablegs
>overhear one of them say "Yeah my friend said this movie is really good"
>smirk as I inform him that Spectre is actually a flick, and that he should probably go back to reddit
>"Wait, who are you here with bro?"
>panic, but keep it together and tell them my friend is in the showers
>"Before the movie even starts?"
>stutter some excuse about how dirty his hands get and duck out of line
>flick starts, I'm in the clear, although I wish I had been able to pick up some snacks (I only brought the main course from home)
>about halfway through I hear some clattering in the guy beside me's bucket
>idiot bought a whole crab
>my falcon pokes it's head out, starts squawking and pecking at it
>"Hey what the hell man"
>ushers are already coming up the stairs
>I pull my cape aside and my falcon divebombs them, holding them off while I rush to the top row
>I shout "It's over, I have the high ground!"
>projectionist leaps out of the window and tackles me from an even higher ground
>everyone whoops and claps
>banned for life
>>62793009
Eventually you're gonna get caught. What happens if there's a new penis inspector? What if you're in the foyer when tyrone is between shifts at the showers? He can smell white boy from 10 meters. Too risky.
>mfw American theaters don't have designated shitting isles
how do you even survive?
this thread is art
>>62793009
Be careful bro, I heard of a guy that covered himself in bits of discarded crab shell to try and evade the penis inspector and he ended up getting stuck in a falcon nest for 2 years.
>go to /tv/
>don't have the requisite reddit karma to post
fugggg D:
My small town has a special ordinance that allows the theater to detain anyone suspected of enjoying movies with subtitles up to 48 hours in a holding cell. Is this standard for most American theaters or just mine? I really question its legality.
>>62792221
I remember that episode. It was easier since it was in the news over its bankruptcy at the time.
>>62793093
local statues can allow it, but I really doubt a small town has the requisite crab legs for such an incarceration.
Report it to your local kino board.
>bring falcon to local kînò
>it's jonah falcon, famous owner of world's largest dick
>penis inspector loses his shit
There goes my licence lads, Tyrone shoved a fistful of crab legs up my ass too
>>62792779
Just whatever kid they hired at the time generally. For a while it was a pretty hot girl so that was tight
>>62793144
DROP YOUR PANTS SAILOR
>>62793144
gud . ebinpost
>>62793093
I'm an attorney, and all Americans have a Dubble Amendment right to free subtitle viewing as well as the right to bear Kino licenses. Contact your local American Cinémätic Liberties Union if you need legal help to access your local cinema or otherwise enjoy filmic exposition.
Has anyone else had their falcon bleed out its asshole recently? I'm beginning to think Tyrone has been visiting the falcon cages
>watching the newest furious movie
>tummy rumbles
>feeling like some chili and quesaritos
>pull on my steam whistle
>waitress machine takes forever
>the movie is still paused people start looking at me
>start sweating
>need to take a shit now
>slide down the ladder
>other peoples butter and cheese made it slick
>fall off
>have to wait for the dump truck supervisor to take me out
>mfw
Anyone else feeling like the cinema is getting lazy?
>>62793220
Why the fuck would you keep your falcon in the kino cages in the first place? If you don't take it home you can't properly train and prepare for the dance intermissions?
Let me guess, you hide in the showers during the dance intermissions?
Ticket prices at my local theaters have been going up, ever since the management started replacing seats with marble Roman statues. I get that marble Roman statues really spruce the place up and enhance the viewing experience, I feel they're exploiting an aesthetic choice by reducing the number of seats and letting the free market work it's magic. I'm afraid in the future, all but one seat in the theater might be occupied by a marble Roman statue.
>mfw I had to have my veins cut open to leak out the butter to prevent heart attack
>they used the colonoscopy scalpel and I got sepsis
>had to suture the wound with falcon feathers
I mean I'm paralysed from the waist down now but I'm grateful to the crabs for their speedy medical response
>>62793220
>letting Falcy stay in the poor cages
lmao what'd you think happened in there?
>>62793015
>projectionist leaps out of the window and tackles me from an even higher ground
Was only mildly amusing up until this, then I lost my shit
>>62793272
>go to cinemá
>wheelchair can't go up the sand dunes
>wheelchair gets stuck in the shitting aisle
>can't get up the ladder
>handicapped seating is occupied by a marble statue
why even renew your kino license?
Took my oneitis to the local kinôgraphérie today and during the dance intermission some fucking Chad crab stole her away with his moves
jdimsa
>>62789297
How else would one shit over the drain, moron?
>Watching Spectre
>my seat's BDU (Butter Dialysis Unit) breaks down and I start going into dairy shock
>this is the third time this year
I've talked to my lawyer and we are probably going to move forward with a class action lawsuit so if any of you are having issues with the Northrop-Grumman T3000 series of BDUs please let me know and I can send information.
>>62793365
it's not like I have a choice, I have to pass through a kino checkpoint on my way to my job at the butter mills and I can't keep telling tyrone I left my permit on my other falcon
>>62793420
thats what you get when you don't churn your own butter organically.
I think my local cinæma fucked up, I climbed through the sand dunes today and they've started replacing seats with giant marbles. I saw a crab bump into one and it starting rolling down the shitting aisle, crushed about five pajeets who where squatting in its path
The theater staff has already issued a statement saying they misunderstood the latest decoration guidelines, though. And to kick off marble statue construction they are gonna have a big marble squatting Pajeet statue atop the lobby guard tower, to memorialize the victims
>>62789775
So are mine
>>62793523
I really hope someone gets sent to the crab mines for this.
>>62793523
fucking political correctness is out of control, if they just let the cinema shooter do his job the pajeet would be dead before the crab was even dropped off and this whole issue would be a moot point. it's shit like this that makes me think kino culture is circling the shower drain, and I'm not just saying that because the head of the council is a lobsterkek
>>62793523
>I climbed through the sand dunes today
I wish my local theater had some sort of sand dunes. All we have some BS new sawdust floor that I swear is only in there being people don't dry off enough when leaving the movie showers. So rather the hire more mop boys to clean up puddles in the lobby area they just went with sawdust.
I guess it also makes it easy to track people who break the no singles policy. See only one set of tracks and BUSTED.
>Be Australian
>have to chug a keg of XXXX just to get inside the theatre
Such is lifeCunt
>watching a vietnam film at the kinethéque
>falconer's son starts playing
My buddy got a job as the local cinema shooter. He says the riot gear you have to wear is really smelly, but he gets free movie passes and unlimited shower tokens. Apparently management has a hard time finding someone willing to shoot a handful of people before each screening to appease the theater gods so they start the projector, but I'd be up to do it if I was offered the job. Only problem is you have to bring your own weapons, and I've only got a hunting shotgun, which is no good for a quick mass execution from a distance.
>>62793870
If you don't kill enough people that's a first class ticket to the penis inspectors.
Would they let you use your falcon's guns?
>>62789629
underrated post
>>62793870
Sounds like the shooter would scare the falcons though. At my local kino they just force whoever has failed to bring a partner (no singles policy) to run in a human-sized hamster wheel in order to start the projector.
I prefer this solution since it's more humane and the falcons feel more comfortable. As for security that's what the tower guards are there for.
>me and my friend get caught trying to sneak into the 3D Kinoplex
>immediately get tased and thrown into the Customer Service Pit
>no toilet, no windows, no water, no napkins for my buttery fingers, falcon shit everywhere
> After a few weeks a guard comes in and takes my friend to the Crab Mines
>I get sent to the Cinema Quarry to mine raw marble
> As the years pass I climb the ladder, eventually get the job of transporting the statues back to the theater
> one day I'm pushing a statue through sand dunes and dead falcons when I run into my friend
> when I try to say hi he raises his claws up and scuttles off sideways
I fucking hate the Kino
>>62793907
My Falcon only has antique civil war revolvers. I don't even know which ones work and which are for show. I'm just going to ask for an Magpull for Christmas and hope for the best.
Testing
>>62789547
Kek
Friendly heads up that the penis inspectors have started encasing penises in marble if they don't pass
>leave /tv/ for a week
>incoherent shitposting like this begins
What the fuck happened? /tv/ has fallen so fucking hard
![roger-ebert-2-600[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/nC5Y9F6.jpg "roger-ebert-2-600[1].jpg")
this meme has taken some very strange directions and i'm excited to see the sequels
>>62794050
looks like someone got a bad result on his penis inspection.
Was tyrone too rough with you?
>relaxing in the cinema baths
>guy sitting next to me starts pissing
Just because the water is cloudy doesn't mean nobody notices.
>>62794050
Its just an evolution of hot popcorn posting
>someone pooped in the cinema's hot tub
>>62794200
>someone is drowning their falcon in the Kinobath
jesus christ what a nightmare
>finally ask the girl I like out
>take her to "The Bijou" our local upscale foreign/independent theater
>by our tickets, things look good so far
>apparently in Europe they have trained African Grey parrots instead of falcons at their theaters
>they're flying all over and chatting up the customers, at least their pretty and non-violent
>bid her farewell as we head to the showers
>strip down and and turn the corner, expecting to see the showers
>it's a steamy, tile-lined room filled with old men and large baths, not a shower in sight
>"velcum turkse batthe" a large, brown, and hairy hand graps my tender white butt "I am Mehmet, you are batthe supravizor."
>Mehmet leads me by hand into the bath
>The old turkish guys give me some sort of middle eastern alcohol and dried sausage, pretty good
>apparently seafood is not halal so it's not allowed in European theaters, they gave me a nice basket of turkish sausages in place of my traditional crab legs
>I'm completely refreshed and leave, clothed and carrying my sausages
>I go to the turnstile with my date but I'm stopped by a slender frenchmen
>"Non, non~ et ez penez enspectiun day today, mon amis!"
>he guides me behind a thin partition in the lobby and starts to inspect me (they don't use gloves in europe, cultural difference)
>he feels me up before turning to my date and shouting "Mon filles, des deng ez, how you sey, 'tres petit' hon hon!"
>she blushes and I try to make excuses, it's too late
>the date only gets worse as we head into the screening room
>remember the parrots from earlier? much worse than fucking falcon, fuck
>they swoop around the rafters copying movie noises and quotes
>one swoops down onto my date's shoulder before screeching "BLACK COCK! BLACK COCK! BLACK COCK!" apparently they were screening Louis CK stand up just prior
>another perches on my sausage basket and tries to steal a link
>"fuck off bird, this is too much sausage, you're a big guy already!"
>"For you!"
kino was a light 6/10
>>62789226
>being a poo in the loo pajeet
>>62791227
underrated
>>62788884
aww yeah finally shitposting general is back up
PENIS
PENIS
PENISPENIS
PENIS
PENIS
PENIS
PENIS
>>62789497
>>62789580
>>62789670
>>62789680
>>62789724
>>62789775
>>62790331
>>62790502
>>62790539
>>62790546
>>62791217
![radio[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/1uSQCJo.jpg "radio[1].jpg")
>>62792932
dat filename
>>62791677
You motherfucker
10 / 10
What Kino Company has the best King Crab?
>tfw the intercom summons you to the chamber in the middle of a flick
>go to see Sicario
>fucking shooting happening in Spectre theater next door
>go out and yell at him to use a fucking suppressor
>he apologizes and has to get one from the main office and half the theatergoers already escaped by the time he got back
I'm fucking sick of this. The manager should have trained the ticket ripper to discern the firearms well enough to make sure they have a suppressor for fuck's sake. It's bad enough some asshole kicked up some sand into my popcorn while going to his seat but then I couldn't even hear the commercials from all the noise pollution.
>>62789580
It was after the Great Hygiene Crisis of 2008 in 'Murrica. Placing showers in cinemas is a policy consideration that hopes it will encourage Americans to be more hygienic.
>Pre-movie shower
>Squeaky clean
>Didn't dry off well enough
>Sand sticks to me as I trudge to the last row
>Have to take another shower just to get the sand off once the film is over
It's the little things that annoy me.
>tfw my theater switched to plastic bags.
>>62794768
The shower attendant should've inspected you and made sure you were hand dried by him with a theater towel from head to toe. I hope you didn't tip him more than 15% if he left you wet before you left.
>>62794802
>preferring paper theater seat covers to plastic
>>62794768
>>62794811
>tfw the genital dryer malfunctioned and gave me third degree burns
Got some free popcorn at least, but the butter boys wouldn't let me pass without paying the toll still.
>>62789226
There's no way the theater shower attendant didn't see you. Or at least the guards in the security tower checking the cameras. That's a
>>62794854
>he sits in his theater
T O P
P L E B
>>62794854
>Implying my theater has seats
>when the ushers forget to pass around the collection plate during the credits
Saw Spectre last weekend. Trailers came on, and the shooter forgot to suppress his rifle, so as he's picking off a few guys in the front row, all the falcons get startled and start flying around. As the lights came on after the movie I noticed he accidentally shot up three statues in the confusion. I would've been mad if any falcon shit had gotten on my crab legs, but none did so really I just felt bad for the guy, I'll bet he lost his job over that.
>>62794854
You're supposed to bring your own, retard. The paper and plastic bags are for hyperventilating and for mandatory stool samples after the movie is over
>The cinema's semen demon didnt even check my movie watching license before I bought my ticket
>"Enjoy your flick!"
>It's a film
>theater decided to try serving lobster instead of crab
>they run out of butter
>have to use ranch instead
My theater tried to sell me hermit crab legs instead of Dungeness...
>about to watch movie
>safety bar does not secure you properly before the movie starts
The concession attendant gave me crawfish instead of snow crab legs when I pointed at the seafood bar. They were good but fuck were they expensive. Needless to say I only tipped 25%
>>62794950
>anti-immigration wall doesn't descend after the previews start
>converted to Islam
>>62794768
Someone left the back door open and a pride of feral cats have been using the sand as a litter box for weeks. Imagine stepping in that after you shower.
I really wish we didn't have to take our shoes off at the concession stand.
>>62794967
>movie about to start
>anti-terrorist sentry guns descend from the ceiling and start scanning people
>Walk into the Regal Cinema with my Regal Crown Club card readily in its holster
>"One ticket for Spectre, please"
>I snatch it out of the ticket seller's hand as I make my way to the concession stand, Crown Club members don't pay
>"One large coca cola, please, on the house!" I say, pushing my way past the customers, brandishing my Regal Crown Club card
>The workers scramble to assemble my tub of cola
>They bring out the 80 gallon tub of coca cola on a dolly, I tip them a few cents as I roll into the theater
>As I roll my dolly into the upper middle row of the theater, I can feel the stares of burning jealousy on me from all sides
>I strip off my clothes and enjoy my cola soak while I watch the 3rd best movie of the Daniel Craig quadrilogy
>>62794917
>>bought my ticket
>>"Enjoy your flick!"
>buying one ticket and not two to get around the no singles policy
I'm shocked you were even able to get in.. The last time I forgot and only ordered one ticket they threw me out before I could even get my first bite of crab.
>mfw my crab pinched the concession chef and I had to pay him $350 in medical fees on top of his tip (65%)
>>62789775
so am I
>Go to cinema
>Somebody's benching in the squat rack
>>62795055
I forgot about it. It was the first time in five years that they had a special promotion going on. They let singles in only if they had pre ordered the Big Crab Fat Stack Specialâ„¢ on my local Kino's website
>Go to See Alvin and the Chipmunks back when it was newly released
>Theatre has a no singles policy, decide to test my luck
>Caught immediately by theatre police on Segway patrol
>banned
>solemnly walk back to car bummed out, but remember I have my Fursona suit in the trunk
>hatch brilliant plan
>Walk back to theatre in full fur suit, and convince theatre police I'm here for the Grand opening
>they fall right for it
>get in line to buy snackaroonies, sweating in my suit
>Finally getup to usher bitch and ask her for a order of crab legs
>"What sir I can't hear you, your voice is too muffled!"
>"ONE ORDER OF CRAB LEGS PLEASE"
>"One order of popcorn?!"
>close enough
>jump up and down and hop around to show I am pleased
>As she hands me the popcorn, it slips out of my hand onto the ground because my suit has no grip
>Run away after doing a jig and dance to distract her, as I had no money anyways
>Go up to ticket usher and signal for him to grab the ticket out of my front pooch pocket
>"uhh sir I'd really rather not"
>Tap on my wrist to show him I don't have time for his bullshit
>he finally reaches in my pooch pocket and grabs ticket, grimacing the whole time
>finally make it to theatre sit in front row
>Suddenly people start yelling at me saying I'm blocking the screen
>Stand up and throw my paws up in the air to show exasperated look
>"aww hell that's ever worse! GET OUT OF HERE FREAK"
>Fur shamed into sitting in back
>movie is ruined because I can barely see through my suit
>every time I fart it gets caught in my suit and makes me sweat more
>>62795100
>Not using the standard-issue squat rack in each row for post dance-break bench pressing
>>62794962
>attendant gave me crawfish instead of snow crab legs
that's not an accident.. they want you to buy the higher priced stuff out of the live tank. I never do being I'm in California and I fear with the drought that the tank water is from the movie showers some how.
>the screening room doesn't have toilets
>told that if I need the toilet I should go beforehand
the sheer incompetence
>>62789226
>go to the cinema
>buy popcorn
>don't eat any
>"accidentally" drop it on the floor when the movie is over
>make a point out of telling the ticket ripper guy that I did
>tfw I have done this three times now
>tfw he can't do anything but smile and thank me for telling him while having a JUST kind of face
>>62795116
>pre-order bonus is five biscuits and a Vienna sausage
AMC really does have the best service in the Kino Industry.
>go to cinema wanting to watch spectre
>right as the movie starts Shia Labeouf walks in the theatre
>he's doing his weekly marathon of all his movies
>as I stand up to leave the theater's security system kicks in, the harness comes down over my chair
>guards patrol the rows with automatic weapons to prevent anybody from sleeping or going to the bathroom
>I just wanted to watch Spectre and take a shower
>manlet
>not allowed to use those things that makes the seats higher because I'm an adult
>no manlet cinemas
>>62795054
Holy kek that made me laugh
>>62795150
>>the screening room doesn't have toilets
just dump in the shower like a proper movie goer..
>>62789226
>>squat over the drain and shit
>>mush the shit down the drain with my feet
>>62792566
>there are Amerilards on here who will think TV licence enforcers are just another meme and aren't a real thing
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2587588/7-000-homes-block-visits-TV-licence-enforcers-Growing-numbers-taking-advantage-legal-loophole-means-threaten-sue-collectors-tresspass.html
>have to take a shit in the middle of the movie
>go to the toilet
>come back
>door is automatically locked
Is this a normal thing?
>>62794878
>that policegirl
HNNNNNNNNG
>>62795252
You have to buy another ticket if you leave unless you're a Regal Crown Club member
>>62795252
It's like you want the terrorists to win. Just hold it next time you damn commie.
>>62795245
I know all about them because of that video the one autist posted on youtube of him fucking with the qt TV police officer.
>Go to cinema
>one of the actors is asleep in the middle of the isle
fucking seriously?
>>62795286
Now that I think about it, it's a good thing. I was actually going to not go see Star Wars since I don't want to get shot, but now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks, lad.
>yfw you returned the loaner falcon without rewinding it
>>>>62795143
hey guys I put a lot of thought and time into that post, yet it has no replies. Could anyone give me a rating on a scale of 1-10 on how funny you thought it was?
0 being Seth Rogen stand up funny, 10 being sides orbiting the entire solar system and back
>have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the film
>forget to bring my bathroom passes
>forced to use the dunce toilet in front of the screen
