>get a letter in the mail
>you've been selected for cinema service
>get to the cinema early
>try to act weird so they don't pick me
>open my mouth wide and make gnashing moments while spinning my eyes around
>she ignores this and asks the official questions: "who is your number one auteur of all time?"
>"j-joel schumacher" I stammer
>"he'll do" she says to the guard
>a hatch suddenly opens underneath me and I fall through darkness
>I wake up some time later, in the darkness. My head spinning, I don't know which way is up
>I lay like that for a while, just breathing, not knowing what happened
>I feel a pinch at my ankle and hear the strike of a match
>I look down at my feet and see a crab lighting a candle
>he looks at me black impassive eyes
> he holds the candle aloft and pulls at my ankle again
>it hurts but I think he wants me to follow him
>he leads the way down a low passage, and knocks three times on a door made of a cardboard avengers sign
>we go through the door and there are maybe 1000 crabs on the floor, their faces turning to look at us as we enter
>I hear a snipping, and I see an old crab standing on top of an overturned popcorn
>his shell is grey and encrusted with barnacles
>as he snaps at the air the crabs turn to look at him
>he points to a schematic of the cinema taped to the wall
>I see the crabs have dug tunnels under the building to escape being delimbed by the cinema's thugs
>after a couple of hours of snapping and pointing I realize the crabs want me to be their trojan horse, to kill the ticket ripper and the concession stand commandant, and free the crabs still trapped upstairs
>the crabs dress me in a large coat, with secret pockets sewn inside
>they lead me out through a sewer system and pack to the cinema front door
>"one ticket for mockingjay part 2 please"
>"just one" he says? with a snide smile and his hand reached for his radio to alert the guards
>a crab shoots out from my pocket and scuttles down my arm, leaps into the air and slices his throat open
>I quickly walk past him into the concession area
>I grow more confident
>"one large salted order of popped justice!" I shout as my crab brothers leap from my coat and snip the woman to ribbons
>I jump over the counter to the crab tank and smash it with my fists
>water and crabs flood over me and I fall back in triumph
>this is the signal the under-crabs were waiting for
>they burst from the vents and holes snipped in the floor and floor the concession stand, snipping at the air in victory
>I snap my fingers too
>the crabs lift me into the air, hailing me as their saviour I'm sure
>they carry me into the auditorium and we watch the hunger games as a celebration
>halfway through I notice the crabs looking at me
>"it's okay" I say, "enjoy the movie, we've earned it!"
>they keep looking
>I begin to feel uneasy
>suddenly my legs are snipped off by an unseen crab assassin
>they cook my legs in butter and feast on them as the movie plays
Mockingjay was okay for a kid's movie, but I don't find Jennifer Lawrence to much of an on-screen presence.
tl;dr
weirdo
>murrican movie theaters
HES A FUCKIN REDDITOR
http://imgur.com/L50U17y
REDDITORRRRRRRRRRRR
>make up my mind to see the steve jobs movie
>bring my sister to get past the NSP
>have to give her 10 dollars to come with me
>get to the cinema
>"one ticket to steve jobs please"
>oh god what have I done
>I see the guards have already mounted their hover bikes and activated their recoilless energy harpoons
>feel the glow of their weapons on my face before the death blow comes
>"haha, he means two tickets, I'm his girlfriend"
>my sister has saved me
>the guards drive past us and surround a poor fat NEET
>see them ruthlessly attacking him, smell his burnt flesh
>smells good, decide I'll have a hotdog
>as we make our way to the concession stand my sister says "you own me another 10 dollars for that, pay up or I start screaming"
>can't afford the hotdog now
The movie was good, but I was hungry the whole time
Ditch it. I did.
My year subscription to buttered popcorn came anyways
>tfw I shower beforehand
>going to the cinema
>first time in a long time
>step though the door and onto the conveyor belt
>shit's so slow people are complaining
>apparently the maintenance is long past due to financial difficulties
>everyone gets an extra crabstick for free as a consolation
>my time at the food panel
>I choose a bag of popcorn and a coke
>confirm selection with a scan of my knee
>moments later my order falls down from a tube in the ceiling
>just in time before the belt went past
>finally the conveyor belt goes into the viewing room
>trying to stand on my toes so that I can see the screen
>people try jumping despite it being illegal
>even a stepladder is use
>guy to my left jumped and got busted and picked up by the crane
>wider space for me to stand on
>half through the movie I notice myself and the others shivering
>look to the side
>notice that the man operating the woodstove is gone
>have to step off the belt to keep the fire going
>got to be quick so my good spot at the front doesn't roll away
>must be careful because the belt is in constant motion
>nearly crush my head in some cogs because I slipped on some spilled oil on the floor
>eventually make it there
>notice that there are no more wood left in the basket
>make my way to the wood room to fetch some more
>stealthily step over the gap in the floor which was put in to stop the wood thieves
>suddenly I trip on a wire and a plow shoots from the opposite wall pushing me into a tube
>they had installed a secondary trap
>realise that I won't be seeing the end of the movie now
>sit down in the pitch dark and begin imagining the rest of the move to myself
>>62982046
>showering before hand
>leaving butter on your hands
Disgusting
>Go to see The Lady in the Van, rated 12A starring Maggie Smith, in 3D
>Go with my mum to get past NSP
>the commander of the cinema vanguard flirts with my mum openly
>"what's a gorgeous young woman like you doing with a schmuck like him"
>realize the commander is jewish
>he throws my mum to the troops for them to pass around
>forced to masturbate to prove we're a romantic couple
>the ordeal is finally over and we are let through the cinema gatehouse
>my mum is still pulling on her clothes as we walk up the tree lined avenue through the perfectly manicured cinema grounds
>despite the beautiful scenery, guards wielding laser halberds with unclipped-cock seeking automatic targetting systems line the road
>as we reach the front aunting the valets appear at our sides to take our car to the parking area
>we went on foot, so I just gave the black valet my home keys and our address for "liability purposes"
>after purchasing our tickets (1000 yuan paid in monthly installments direct to the people's republic of china)
>we strip off our clothes and feed them into the incinerator
>step onto the conveyor belt for decontamination
>my mother's geiger count is off the chart
>she gets tipped into the incinerator too
>I'm showing normal levels of radiation so they just throw lime on me to burn away my parasites
>they give me a set of plastic cinema pyjamas
>hand me me a receipt for the gold fillings and jewelry my mother had
>receipt says a donation has been made in your name to PETA
>step into the movie pod
>pod ascends into the theatre mothership
>feel a slight bump as the energy fields descend into hyperspace
>fields find traction and we begin to accelerate into the heavens
>as we reach lightspeed I see the movie projected onto pluto from hubble projector stationed at a lagrange point between jupiter and the sun
>by the time we circumnavigate the sun the next scene is showing
>whole film is blue-shifted because the pilot was going too fast
Maggie Smith was charming as always
These are very r/4chan worthy posts
>>62982292
I saw this one the other day. Great, but we need new stuff.
>>62982408
I wrote that one, and two original stories for this thread.
I'll do some more but they always end up too long
>>62982486
don't
>>62982543
This
>>62981998
Did you two fuck afterwards?
>>62981429
>>62981437
Dude wtf lmao
>>62982486
I enjoyed the themes you explore. no one else is talking about how weird the movie theater experience has become.
maybe you could explore how some theaters reserve whole rows for girls to prop their feet up on the headrests. if they wear LED anklets and toe rings it can get really annoying
NSPs have morphed into anthropomorphic only so if you have any non traditional appendage - a tail, wings, horns, even gills, you'll be prodded and taxes out of the theater with peals of normie laughter
>turn 16
>the kingdom has recently decreed that all young men must leave home and sign up for the cinema
>three years of popcorn for breakfast, three flicks a day, crab's legs for dinner
>it's hard, but if I can make it out alive I'll be in good standing for a career watching TV
>after basic training we each get assigned a partner to get past the NSP
>I don't think my "gf" likes me very much
>calls me a "goy", i don't know what that means
>after a year, Captain America: Civil War comes out
>we all know what this means
>put on my best dress uniform and stay up late polishing my shoes
>everything is going well, I order a large regular coke for me, and a small diet sprite for my partner
>even manage to get a good seat
>halfway through the movie Iron Man starts fighting Captain America
>my heart sinks, I know what this means
>The Cap fans start booing and the Tony Stark favouring elite guards open fire
>it's a blood bath
>I duck under my seat lest I get mistaken for a captain america fan and depleted uranium shells reduce my body to matchwood
>my partner grabs my collar and pulls me out
>"now is the time to act without fear" she commands
>I follow her through the theatre and we lock ourselves into projection booth
>she takes off her mask and reveals a hideous nose long nose and eyes like a rat
>"I know your secret young prince!"
>how could she know that I am actually the son of the emperor?
>she holds a gun to my head and takes out a roll of film from her brassier
>she threads it into the projector, the cinema is now showing Schindler's List
>the gunshots stop
>first they look at us, they dare not fire at the dirty kike holding me hostage
>then they start watching the movie
>10 days after that circumcision became mandatory at all penis checkpoints
Civil War was pretty good tho, I like Scarjo
>>62981437
That was extremely detailed for a shitpost
Impressive.
Anyway, Part 2 was probably the best of the movies, but even then that's not saying much.
>>62983072
lmao holy shit who comes up wth this shit
this is gold
Surreal theater posting tickles my funnies
>first day at new cinema
>feeling scared
>one ticket for ant man please mommy
