I'll give you 1,000 dollars in exchange for 95% of your business, a 99 dollar royalty, and a stipulation that the remaining 5% of your business passes to my estate upon your death.
If you don't accept this deal you're a fucking idiot who deserves nothing but failure and agony in his life.
What are you going to do?
Make bald jokes
>>70766003
tell him that's not what his mom said last night.
>>70766003
>As a young child I saw my Mother relentlessly beaten by my Father. I can still recall hearing her muffled screams through the walls of my bedroom as I lay trying to fall asleep. Some nights were worse than others, but I remember the mornings my Grandmother would take me to school because my Mother couldn’t be seen in public. She would wear sunglasses and long sleeve shirts for weeks while the bruising and swelling slowly healed around her eyes and arms. I never understood how something as simple as an overcooked meal or spilt glass of wine in the living room could send my Father into these inexplicable fits of rage; not until this very moment. Not until I saw your presentation. You are the stain on my fathers Afghan rug and I see no club soda nor salt to scrub you away. For an investment of 250,000 dollars I will retain 92% of your company with a lifetime of royalties and if you even for one second glance in Lori’s direction, I will personally crucify each of your children.
Ask the dumb blond bimbo to put me on QVC in exchange for a $150k, 15% equity, and a handjob.
>>70766003
would peter thiel ever do shark tank?
>better vc than Cuban
>smarter than Cuban
this fucknuggest thinks he can become prime minister too lmao
>>70766278
He said he was inspired by Trump's success I think, apparently no one told him that Trump's wealth is a multiple of his own
>>70766278
why was harper hated?
>balanced the budget
>canada didn't enter into a huge housing crash like the rest of the world
>>I’m going to cut in right now Mr. Wilson, because someone needs to stop this charade you’re calling a pitch. When I was a mere boy my mother came home from one of her many business trips to South Africa. Only this time she had brought with her a gift – an antique, in a sense. “It” was an ancient looking African man she referred to as Po’mamba. He stayed with us for many weeks, keeping me awake at night with strange chanting. I became so frustrated by the never ending stream of nonsensical noise my angry tears began to stain the front of my child-fitted Armani suits. On the fourth week, I came home from school early on account of Butch Charleston ruining my favorite handkerchief at recess. But the noises I heard from my manor were different that day. Peeking in the nearest window, I saw my mother surrounded by dark shapes, Po’mamba’s back against the glass. His chanting drowned out the sounds of my mother as I watched the surging black mass with confusion – until I realized it was a group of men. African men, slamming their cocks into my mother’s every orifice as she begged for more through two throbbing members occupying her mouth. All noise suddenly stopped. Po’mamba stepped forward, ripping off the tattered cloth that covered his crotch. An implausibly large penis flopped down between his legs which he guided into my mother’s bruised womanhood. The other gentlemen continued the chants. After what seemed like hours, Po’mamba released his load which oozed out through the small pockets of empty space between her flesh folds and his cock. A small speck of his thick semen fell from his glands as he exited, landing on the living room’s priceless Isfahan carpet. My day was perfect before your appearance here Mr. Wilson. I had breakfast with Buffet and Trump. I even made sweet love to Barbara on Lincoln’s original bed earlier. Your deal is the nigger semen stain on my priceless rug of a day. And for that reason, I’m out.
>>70766189
Cuban is basically the luckiest and richest moron in the world. He got out before the dot com bubble burst and used his newfound wealth to live life like a meme without producing new value
>>70766402
Who the fuck comes up with this shit?
>>70766409
Cuban always acts like he's the smartest, richest, and biggest dick on the panel; because on that panel, it's probably true.
It'd be funny if he got BTFO by a man who doesn't need to present himself as the biggest alpha in the room
>>70767025
>BTFO by a man who doesn't need to present himself as the biggest alpha in the room
but then he wouldn't BTFO of him would he...
>>70767177
>to btfo you have to be the schoolyard bully
no
>You know, some time ago, in the Bronze Age, a tribal people squabbled in filth somewhere around modern day Cambodia and are now fondly referred to as the "Leech Ones" by a small, dedicated sect of historians. While the majority of their existence has been lost to the sandy ruins of time much like my ex-wives, minute traces live on through ancient hieroglyphs and pottery. One such piece sits on my coffee table and is more valuable than the lives of 30 Cambodians - considering that's how many died pulling up the sunken ruins where it lay in the predator-infested swamps of the Tonle Sap-Mekong Peat Forests. Also five mules. Inscribed on this pot is a depiction of the long lost technique of the "Blood Nurture" wherein a mother, already used for the purpose of breeding, fulfills her final, most important job. The land of Cambodia is a harsh mistress and the newborn children had to eat. To ensure the survival of the tribe, the men would fasten makeshift masks of cut stones to the children's faces and attach them to the mother with rope fashioned from the local flora. The young would stay attached to the mother and cut her to bits, feasting on the blood and flesh for sustenance until she keeled over and died days later, afraid, in pain, and betrayed. Now, I look at you, and I see your business, and that pot won't stay out of my head. You're not a shark Mr Wilson. You're not a leech. You're a Cambodian woman being drained of her lifeblood by tiny babies. And for that reason, I'm out.
>>70769787
>>70766402
>>70766091
I'm sorry these aren't getting more praise, I just wanted to tell you that I will always remember this gift you've given us
>>70769787
Worst one by far.
The other two were pretty good, but you reused the rug/carpet motif.
WHERE IS THE PROPRIETY REEEEEEEE
>>70766351
which is funny because he has nothing in common at all with trumps politics. Hes a globalist idiot who wants to sell the country out to the chinese and move every canadian business abroad. He is 100% anti canadian worker and nobody is falling for it hed get single digit seats in an election. I doubt hed even get half the seats in alberta. Maybe in Calgary and the area but hed lose edmonton and lethbridge
>Have you ever drank a glass of black rhinoceros blood? Of course not, I was just being colloquial to start this story with an anecdote. The first time I had a glass I was in South Africa, taking a celebratory drink in Johannesburg after completing a successful hunt. You see, in South Africa they don't hunt lion, or elephant. We hunted a more dangerous game: the kaffir, or black man. I finally had a 7 year old boy cornered in an Oingo Bongo merchandise warehouse when the thoughts passed through my mind: Should I pull the trigger? Can I ever come back to who I was before this moment? I pulled the trigger, made my first 100 million dollars. Mr. Johnson, this is something you need to ask yourself: can I pull the trigger on this deal and make the right choice? 10% funding for 85% ownership and prima nocte rights to your daughters.
>>70766091
that was fucking hilarious but are you... are you ok anon?
>>70770497
Pretty good.
I love Mark Cuban, Jason Kidd, Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki.
>>70770745
>Steve Nash
He hasn't played for the Mavs in like 10 years, dude.
>>70771031
I wish he was with us in 2011 every day, but I know he'd have been a liability defensively.
>Have yo ever a a $300,000 dinner? Let me tell you why that's important. Every year in June I take my private jet to my private resort in the middle of the Pacific. It is staffed by Masai warriors who are captured from the plains of Tanzania and trained from birth to be the most obedient servants on Earth. Every year one of them is chosen to be cooked alive in a broth made from the bones of the extinct yellow river dolphin and garnished with the spices of a dozen plants so rare they are unknown to science. I am served at a solid diamond table where the Masai servants act as my chair and foot stool. I have the smallest piece of meat carved from the cooked Masai, placed on my tongue, and then I spit it out into a bowl made of saffron. I do not do this because I enjoy the taste, but because it reminds me of my success. That discarded slice of dead Masai warrior has more chance of starting a successful business than you ever will. And for that reason, I'm out.
>>70766189
if we are just picking random rich people to be on the show, then my pick would be martin shkreli
>someone brings out personalized samples
>I have to get up and pace around from embarrassment
>>70766003
real talk kevin, you like my idea and you think its good, im too lazy to operate a business myself. buy me out at 1 million and you just have 100% of everything.
>why does no one ever try to get bought out
>I want to get bought out
>>70770497
>I finally had a 7 year old boy cornered in an Oingo Bongo merchandise warehouse
>>70771614
Because they don't to run another business. They want you to put in all the work and they get a return on their money.
That's how investing works.
>>70771426
>>70770497
>>70769787
>>70766402
>>70766091
>>70771614
they would all just start lowballing the fuck outta the product then, because you immediately told everyone in the room your looking to sell today and don't want to work
>>70771607
"And of course Mark you get the Mavericks blue"
>>70771761
then you bargain with them politely and politely refuse their lowballs. you don't sell out and take your free publicity.
>>70772034
>Implying you're in any position to bargain when it's clear that you want to sell right there and then.
>>70770497
Except he wanted the cup packaging, not the wine itself
>>70766402
>>70766003
>it's a Robert makes an offer and acts personally offended when the entrepreneur wants to see if there are other offers on the table episode
>>70772187
>>70772087
you're 100% in a position to bargain if they like the product. i've seen episodes where all 4 of them are interested in someones idea, if I was taht someone I would hella sell out. if they start low balling and acting smug you just say thank you for your time and look for someone else to buy you out.
>>70766402
The little details like the Isfahan rug are killing my sides, please write a fucking book.
>>70772394
book, no
twitter, yes
Sharkposting is the best
![shark-tank-millionaire-kevin-oleary-says-global-inequality-is-fantastic[1].jpg](https://i.imgur.com/2rwGkzX.jpg "shark-tank-millionaire-kevin-oleary-says-global-inequality-is-fantastic[1].jpg")
>"There is a small island in the Himalayan Sea called Malderiki, upon which I own a large mansion. Every year afer the first rain, the Newport Beach Wine Society (of which I am a member) gathers at my mansion to watch the island's natives grovel in the mud as their pathetic straw dwellings are ripped apart by the rising waters. On this island there is also a fish, called a Piranha Giganticus. Coinciding with the first rain, this fish swims into the flooded island and begins to feed on the older and weaker natives of Malderiki. Unable to defend themselves from the killer fish and uttrly helpless, the natives make their way to my mansion in makeshift canoes. At this point, the Newport Beach Wine Society opens a bottle of pre-revolution French Chardonnay, dated no later than 1760, and places wagers on which native will be the first to reach the high ground of my sprawling lawn. Once the fish has fed and returned to the Sea, there are typically a handful of natives left on my lawn, at which point we activate the electric fence and release the crocodiles. Last year, during the crocodile feeding, a tiny speck of native flesh was flung from the lawn up to the balcony where the Newport Beach Wine Society was gathered and landed on my shoe. I retrieved the piece of flesh and placed it in my mouth, washing it down with a glass of Moldovan Pino Griggio. Right now, YOU are that piece of flesh."
>>70772519
>>70772562
you posted the worst one twice. nice
>>70772581
only see one working link there family
Hottest picture of Lori? I need to fap
>>70772275
you still give up too much leverage right off the bat by telling them that you want to walk out with a deal.
>>70766003
This is pretty much O'Leary verbatim. He's such a scumbag.
This thread reminds me of something
>>70766402
Why is /tv/ in particular so preoccupied with niggers and cuckoldry? Do we have a psychologist in this thread?
>>70772970
UBER? Did it remind you of UBER?
>>70773015
its substitute masculinity for the low testosterone people that make up the majority of the internets habitual userbase.
>I'm about to give you some of the best business advice you will ever get - for free. I visited Orapa, a town in Botswana that is home to the worlds largest diamond mine. I took this trip with my beautiful mistress and twin son and daughter (Alphontine and Largesse). On this trip we dined on just one thing - Diamonds - THE most exquisite and decadent of meals. Each of us was assigned a tribesman as well, for when you pass the diamond, not only is it extremely painful, but you must retrieve that precious stone. Our assigned commoner has only one duty: at the time of our excretion, day or night, they will squat beneath us and sift through our hot filth to retrieve the diamond. This is truly an honorable position to be put in for the tribe, as the diamond is worth more than his soul. If he were to not recover the gem from the excrement, it would result in his execution and likely razing of his entire village. In this case, you are me and I am the tribesman, after sifting through your shit I have found nothing of value and want to kill myself. For those reasons, I'm out.
>>70772660
Robert's obsession with dogs is kind of unhealthy, I'm pretty sure you just have to bring in a dog to get an offer from him
>>70766003
I'm willing to go in with Kevin
>I'm going to tell you a story about someone close to me. When I was in elementary school there was a little girl named Susy. Now when I first met Susy she was bright, fun great kid but as she got older we noticed that she was starting to change. Her grades went down, then she started having speech problems, we kept having to remind her the rules of hopscotch. It got so bad she ended up with all the other abortion survivors in the special ed class. Later I learned that she had Huntingtons disease, and incurable disease that would rot her brain and ultimately kill her. The analogy here is your business is a 9 year old little girl and all that inventory building up in the warehouse is the mutated protein in that little girl's brain, and the only thing left to do is smother her with a pillow. I'm out.
>>70773472
>it's a kevin and cuban alpha robert out of a deal episode
>>70773832
>and the only thing left to do is smother her with a pillow. I'm out.
10/10
>>70772660
Robert is really a child. He doesn't belong on this show. All of his deals are pretty fucking stupid.
>I'm in. And for that reason, I'm out.
>>70774575
I think he got pretty JUST'd in his divorce so "I'm out" from him probably means "I'm out of money"
>>70774575
robert is so fucking rich and from a dirtbag nothing country. excuse him for being humble.
he literally came from nothing and now owns 10 supercars. hes not a rich snob like cuban or kevin. he still has a chred of humanity n him.
>>70766054
lel
>>70766091
It blows my mind people waste their writing talents for memes on cantonese fishing guide forum.I also love it.
>>70766054
That was not funny
>>70775487
This was not funny
>>70775882
never forget
>>70772519
this is the best one
Does anyone have the sad robert one?
>Your pitch has triggered a long-forgotten memory inside of me Mr. Peets, deep inside the recesses of my mind. You see, I am an O'Leary, as my father was also an O'Leary. Long ago, when I was a young lad, I would spend my summers with him in the wild and rugged West Coast of Ireland. We always vacationed in a small yet cosy cottage, just on the outskirts of a village named Killybegs in the County of Donegal. I would spend my days roaming through the picturesque fields, and I would eat homemade brown bread sandwiches filled with the finest crab meat caught by the local fishermen. My father lived and breathed this country, and wanted to show me every part of it. One afternoon, he wanted to show me a place which I had never seen before, the city of Belfast. You see this was at the start of an era that would become known as The Troubles, and my father was a very famous man among a group of people called the Loyalists. We had just arrived in the city, and were walking down a street in West Belfast named the Shankill Road. Just then, a black van pulls up and three large men with balaclavas pulled me and my father inside of it. We sped away to an undisclosed location. While one of the men was blindfolding me, I could hear the other two men shouting incoherently at my father. The sounds I heard next were indescribable, the screams and pleading from my now-hysterical father, begging them to just let me go. I was not involved he told them, I had nothing to do with it. He was bludgeoned to the floor, and made a dull thud as we were dragged outside and brought inside a boarded up house. Inside, one of the men pulls out a revolver. He shoots my father in both of his knee caps. I was restrained as my father fell to the floor, reaching a hand towards me with the most indescribable look of terror on his face. That is what your pitch was to me, my father's exploded kneecaps on the floor, covered in the darkest blood you can ever imagine. And for that reason, I'm out.
>>70772797
It's called Shark Tank not Guppy Tank.
>>70766278
Well a drama teacher/John Lennon impersonator just won, so anything could happen.
>>70773015
Not just /tv/, most of this site that isn't well moderated.
>>70766003
Now that instasync is ded, where's the synchtu.be room?
