>I'll give you $100,000 for 15% on the stipulation that you come over to my house every other weekend and hang out
KEVINPOSTING BEST POSTING.
>Sometimes I like to sit and listen to the sounds of my empty home. Some nights the stillness calms me, and others it surrounds me like a cold blanket and reminds me that I’ve been deserted by everyone I’ve loved and trusted. I have no family, I have no friends, all that I have left is my empty 10 bedroom house. A shell that glimmers on the outside, but is as hollow and dim as a movie set within. I love your idea. I would love to be in business with you, but I just need you to do me one small favor. Simply answer the phone from time to time when I call. Even if it's a little late. The sounds of my home seem to grow louder by the day and hearing a friendly voice on the end of the line is sometimes enough to bring me back. What do you say? Do we have a deal?
>>70198592
I will have to consult the other sharks first
I'm in. And for that reason, I'm out.
>I’m going to cut in right now Mr. Wilson, because someone needs to stop this charade you’re calling a pitch. When I was a mere boy my mother came home from one of her many business trips to South Africa. Only this time she had brought with her a gift – an antique, in a sense. “It” was an ancient looking African man she referred to as Po’mamba. He stayed with us for many weeks, keeping me awake at night with strange chanting. I became so frustrated by the never ending stream of nonsensical noise my angry tears began to stain the front of my child-fitted Armani suits. On the fourth week, I came home from school early on account of Butch Charleston ruining my favorite handkerchief at recess. But the noises I heard from my manor were different that day. Peeking in the nearest window, I saw my mother surrounded by dark shapes, Po’mamba’s back against the glass. His chanting drowned out the sounds of my mother as I watched the surging black mass with confusion – until I realized it was a group of men. African men, slamming their cocks into my mother’s every orifice as she begged for more through two throbbing members occupying her mouth. All noise suddenly stopped. Po’mamba stepped forward, ripping off the tattered cloth that covered his crotch. An implausibly large penis flopped down between his legs which he guided into my mother’s bruised womanhood. The other gentlemen continued the chants. After what seemed like hours, Po’mamba released his load which oozed out through the small pockets of empty space between her flesh folds and his cock. A small speck of his thick semen fell from his glands as he exited, landing on the living room’s priceless Isfahan carpet. My day was perfect before your appearance here Mr. Wilson. I had breakfast with Buffet and Trump. I even made sweet love to Barbara on Lincoln’s original bed earlier. Your deal is the nigger semen stain on my priceless rug of a day. And for that reason, I’m out.
>>70199121
Jesus christ who writes this shit
>>70200509
Release more elephants.
>>70199121
bruh i'm fucking dying
>>70199121
jesus christ
>>70198806
an oldie but a goldie
These are the best threads on /tv/
>>70199121
More
>>70199121
Can someone point to an episode were anything like this actually happened?
I know it's a meme, but I've watched dozens of Shark Tank episodes and it seems to have no basis in reality. Anyone?
You're an asshole.
Fuck you.
Get the fuck out of here.
>>70199121
I just found out there's a Lori doppelganger that does porn/webcam "modeling". Needless to say, I've been jerking off a lot lately.
>>70202950
They were originally written to mock his habit of talking about his opulent lifestyle, all his opportunities to do rich people shit, etc. He really does go off on those tangents. Then it evolved into this.
Unrelated, but shark tank is so goddamn frustrating to watch because of their unbelievable egos. What kind of businessman whines and cuts their deal because the person presenting made the objectively best decision and listened to everyone's thoughts? But every episode, they urgently have to choose RIGHT NOW, and when they hear everybody else out they get shafted. If anything they should have consequences for immediately jumping onto the first offer they hear.
>>70203188
Name/link?
>>70202896here's 1 of the originals
>There is a small island in the Himalayan Sea called Malderiki, upon which I own a large mansion. Every year afer the first rain, the Newport Beach Wine Society (of which I am a member) gathers at my mansion to watch the island's natives grovel in the mud as their pathetic straw dwellings are ripped apart by the rising waters. On this island there is also a fish, called a Piranha Giganticus. Coinciding with the first rain, this fish swims into the flooded island and begins to feed on the older and weaker natives of Malderiki. Unable to defend themselves from the killer fish and uttrly helpless, the natives make their way to my mansion in makeshift canoes. At this point, the Newport Beach Wine Society opens a bottle of pre-revolution French Chardonnay, dated no later than 1760, and places wagers on which native will be the first to reach the high ground of my sprawling lawn. Once the fish has fed and returned to the Sea, there are typically a handful of natives left on my lawn, at which point we activate the electric fence and release the crocodiles. Last year, during the crocodile feeding, a tiny speck of native flesh was flung from the lawn up to the balcony where the Newport Beach Wine Society was gathered and landed on my shoe. I retrieved the piece of flesh and placed it in my mouth, washing it down with a glass of Moldovan Pino Griggio. Right now, YOU are that piece of flesh.
>>70202950
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WQ9AIqGyTgo
>>70198592
>>70199121
are there more of these?
>>70199121
>>70198592
keep it up, man, and my sides will reach the super-massive black-hole at the center of the Milkyway .
OUTSPOKEN
>i'll give you what you are asking plus another 50k because you are going to need it but you have to make a decision right now. dont even look in the direction of the other sharks or im out.
>>70203005
>dat fucking poo-in-loo
Even after Kevin was the only one being genuinely interested and defending him from Cuban's attacks he still had to fucking pull that shit.I take it its a ethnical thing since Kevin is half-arab?
>>70203242
Her name is JustBea (or various usernames based on the name Beatrice) on MFC. I think shes from eastern europe and has bad fake tits, but otherwise looks just like Lori.
>>70203196
It's entertainment man, from the Sharks perspective they're doing the entrepreneurs a favor by investing on most of the deals. Usually the better products that are certified winners get to hear input and competing offers from all the sharks without any of the bullshit though
>>70203267
>>70199121
>>70198592
>>70203436
SHREWD
QUEEN
IMMIGRANT
NOTORIOUS
>>70203455
But-
>>70199121
Fucking ay man
>>70203524
SON OF AN OUTSPOKEN FUBU FACTORY
The last few episodes have been really weak. I don't know what they're missing.
>>70203188
Never4get Lori's reddit ama
>>70199121
>unless Mark wants to go in 50/50
>>70203671
based lori
>>70203506
>JustBea
Hell yes~
>>70203274
holy shit lol.
>>70203274
Everyone knows about the tangents this point, it's a meme
>I'm in, but only on the condition you rub my feet and call me Mommy
what do
>I'm prepared to offer you everything you've asked for today, all 500,000 dollars. All I ask in return is that you attend my birthday bash this weekend at the Funland bounce castle emporium
>Sorry Robert, but I think I'll go with Mark's deal of 250,000 for 95% of the company
>You'll still come though, right?
>>70203917
get over here mommy
![barbara-speaking[1].png](https://i.imgur.com/u9nsKFt.png "barbara-speaking[1].png")
>I'm in but only if you call Kevin a stinky dinky poo poo pinky, and snapchat it to my grandkids.
>>70198806
this sorta makes sense. imagine a nigger that was smart enough to know not to be part of a project that a nigger was a part of. As soon as he counted himself in, the smart thing to do would be to withdraw himself. He's in, and for that reason he's out.
>Have you ever drank a glass of black rhinoceros blood? Of course not, I was just being colloquial to start this story with an anecdote. The first time I had a glass I was in South Africa, taking a celebratory drink in Johannesburg after completing a successful hunt. You see, in South Africa they don't hunt lion, or elephant. We hunted a more dangerous game: the kaffir, or black man. I finally had a 7 year old boy cornered in an Oingo Bongo merchandise warehouse when the thoughts passed through my mind: Should I pull the trigger? Can I ever come back to who I was before this moment? I pulled the trigger, made my first 100 million dollars. Mr. Johnson, this is something you need to ask yourself: can I pull the trigger on this deal and make the right choice? 10% funding for 85% ownership and prima nocte rights to your daughters.
>>70203274
When did that last part air...?
>>70203274
lmao. kevin is such an ass, seriously. who'd want to do business with that guy?
>>70204022
kek. she's my fave.
>>70203455
Hey Cubes, I put together a custom basketball-themed sample for you, because I'm sure you're not fucking tired of this shit
>"immigrant"
>Robert immediately tears up
>>70204022
Your pitch stinks, your idea's lousy, the business end is a mess, you're ugly as sin but, you got a lotta moxie kid and I like that, so here's me offer
>>70204022
Kek. I love the one where they're pitched some lame grandma-esque product and all the male sharks drop out immediately cause they know Barbara is gonna invest. Then she denies it for like 30 seconds before caving in and handing over 200 grand.
>yfw there's no patent and no proprietary
I'm going to tell you a story about someone close to me. When I was in elementary school there was a little girl named Susy. Now when I first met Susy she was bright, fun great kid but as she got older we noticed that she was starting to change. Her grades went down, then she started having speech problems, we kept having to remind her the rules of hopscotch. It got so bad she ended up with all the other abortion survivors in the special ed class. Later I learned that she had Huntingtons disease, and incurable disease that would rot her brain and ultimately kill her. The analogy here is your business is a 9 year old little girl and all that inventory building up in the warehouse is the mutated protein in that little girl's brain, and the only thing left to do is smother her with a pillow. I'm out.
>>70203671
BASED
>>70199121
>Someone actually wrote this
You guys are clever man shit.
>>70204147
>wait, hol' up. did he just call you cubes?
>>70203506
Shit, that does look a lot like her. Thanks anon.
>>70204462
>>70199121
>there are people on /tv/ who waste their obvious talent writing memes
you are the true hero today sir.
>it's an Uber episode
>>70203274
>The meme is actually real
>its a steps off the carpet and still gets the deal episode
>>70204570
The GoPro faggot is worse
>Its a Robert's face lights up when he sees a dog episode
>>70204351
nailed it.
>>70199121
KEK
>>70204640
Fortunately GoPro stock is tanking. Another .com bubble pop is coming up so that should take out a good chunk of the Sillicon Valley faggots.
>>70204426
here's a (you) for effort. keep it up lad
>>70204030
>talking shit about a black man when hes a self made millionaire while you're a neet
masterrace uh
Are there any products/pitches that didn't get any Shark bites but went on to become super successful anyway?
>>70203274
look at how small his mouth is
>>70204570
You know, your pitch reminds me of that 1 time I invested in a little company called UBER. My risky gamble of 300 thousand dollars paid off and now the company is worth billions. Basically you're retarded as fuck for not striking it lucky with investments and for that reason I'm out
>>70204830
DDP Yoga got a huge boost just from being on the show. I'm sure plenty of other products are the same.
>>70204859
Christ what an ugly shirt
>>70204570
>its a Ashton Kutcher wanting to be taken as a serious businessman episode
>>70204949
GET OUT
>>70204888
>ywn take a product which needs no investment onto the show and subtly fuck with them the whole pitch while you get free advertising
>>70204859
does he know he has two giant caterpillars on his shoulders
>A long time ago as a young man I was walking through Central Park by my lonesome. It was a beautiful night, light sounds of the city passing by, but otherwise quiet. As I strolled throughout the park toward my apartment I heard the muffled sounds of a woman screaming, and just a few yards away from me I came across a half nude woman with two men on top of her. We briefly made eye contact and I could see a look of complete desparation in her gaze, a call for help. I kept on walking. Her muffled screams got louder as she realized that there was no hero of this story, no one to save her from the arms of the men viciously having their way with her. She was a lost cause. I knew that even if I tried to help her there was nothing I could do to stop those men. Your strategy has yet to show ANY inkling of a profit, and frankly, your product has no market. You are that woman I couldn't help. And because of that, I'm out.
>>70203461
It's because he knows Kevin is greedy and just wants to get rich so he thinks he won't help him or will try to fuck him over
>>70205032
they have called out people for this
>Its a robert gets cucked out of his own deal without anyone giving a fuck episode
>>70199121
>You know Mr Wilson, some time ago, in the Bronze Age, a tribal people squabbled in filth somewhere around modern day Cambodia and are now fondly referred to as the "Leech Ones" by a small, dedicated sect of historians. While the majority of their existence has been lost to the sandy ruins of time much like my ex-wives, minute traces live on through ancient hieroglyphs and pottery. One such piece sits on my coffee table and is more valuable than the lives of 30 Cambodians - considering that's how many died pulling up the sunken ruins where it lay in the predator-infested swamps of the Tonle Sap-Mekong Peat Forests. Also five mules. Inscribed on this pot is a depiction of the long lost technique of the "Blood Nurture" wherein a mother, already used for the purpose of breeding, fulfills her final, most important job. The land of Cambodia is a harsh mistress and the newborn children had to eat. To ensure the survival of the tribe, the men would fasten makeshift masks of cut stones to the children's faces and attach them to the mother with rope fashioned from the local flora. The young would stay attached to the mother and cut her to bits, feasting on the blood and flesh for sustenance until she keeled over and died days later, afraid, in pain, and betrayed. Now, I look at you, and I see your business, and that pot won't stay out of my head. You're not a shark Mr Wilson. You're not a leech. You're a Cambodian woman being drained of her lifeblood by tiny babies.
>I'm out.
>>70205109
Damn, really? I've only watchedthe earlier Canadian version where half of the Shark Tank gang started.
>>70205270
>tfw aquablanket pitch
>>70205270
Canadian version has the same issue but not nearly as bad. Seems like they do a better job screening people but at the same time they also have way more really shitty products that should never have been allowed
>>70205109
Mark always accuses people of this...don't the producers choose who to let through? So it's really their fault.
>>70203196
It's called a negotiation tactic, numbnuts.
Nothing to do with ego. Everything to do with being as Jewish as possible.
Them getting pissy while waiting when the entrepreneur is busy speaking to other people and inadvertently ignores them, THAT's ego.
>>70205381
Problem is when they actually bring a good product they want them on but it's not always easy to tell someone is just out for free advertising.
>>70205032
I think a dude just did that on the Australian version.
>>70204693
This guy was a smug cunt
>>70205375
They do it for the comedy. They know half the fun is in watching people be angry, so they purposefully let a few awful ideas through.
>>70203005
>>70203005 For some reason this made me laugh because of the contrast to this >>70199121post.
>tfw in real live Robert is the asshole and Kevin is actually cool
>>70203671
Based lori
>yfw less than 50% equity is offered
>>70203671
What did she mean by this?
Kevin: You're valuing yourselves at $2 million, so you better have a fuck ton of sales
>We've done $150,000 ...in the last 3 years
Mark and Daymond: ayyyyy lmao
>>70199121
>>70206519
>implying kevin wants equity
He's all about royalties. Get your memes straight.
Where's the propriety?!
WHERE'S THE PROPRIETY!?!?
I'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE THE COCKROACH YOU ARGLBARGHLBARGHHL
>>70206519
Okay, it seems like I'm the only one left. I'll tell you what, I see some potential in here. Here goes my offer: I'll give you a $100,000 loan so you can finance your production, in exchange for 25% equity. Once you pay me all the money back with interest, I can choose to double my equity or complement it with a 7.5% perpetual royalty fee. Do you follow? I'm being very generous here, however, I'll have to take your firstborn son to serve me as my cupbearer until we achieve a licensing deal. That's my best offer, I recommend you take it. Or you are dead to me.
>>70203671
Based anal idol
>>70205099
>guy wants to be rich
WOW
As a young child I saw my Mother relentlessly beaten by my Father. I can still recall hearing her muffled screams through the walls of my bedroom as I lay trying to fall asleep. Some nights were worse than others, but I remember the mornings my Grandmother would take me to school because my Mother couldn’t be seen in public. She would wear sunglasses and long sleeve shirts for weeks while the bruising and swelling slowly healed around her eyes and arms. I never understood how something as simple as an overcooked meal or spilt glass of wine in the living room could send my Father into these inexplicable fits of rage; not until this very moment. Not until I saw your presentation. You are the stain on my fathers Afghan rug and I see no club soda nor salt to scrub you away. For an investment of 250,000 dollars I will retain 92% of your company with a lifetime of royalties and if you even for one second glance in Lori’s direction, I will personally crucify each of your children.
who /kevinforpm/ here?
can he be the trump for canada?
>>70207407
Were gonna make Canada great again, bud
>>70207014
that's still more than daymon has done in the last 3 years
fu-who?
Daymond and his fashion brand "LiterallyWhobu"
>>70198592
>>70199121
Holy fucking shit.
>>70203455
>you want 300k for 10% of the company, im willing to give you 500k for it but with the condition that you cant think of the game and you just lost, im out
FUCK YEAH MEMES I UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I'VE STARTED WATCHING SHARK TANK!!!
>>70204426
Needs more pseudo sophisticated language
>>70203308
THAT FUCKING FILENAME OMG
>>70198592
>>70204426
>and the only thing left to do is smother her
laughed
>>70207224
QUALITY
>I'm going to loan you the full $250,000 to cover inventory and get this product on the shelf, I only ask that we take a couple pictures together with my phone so that I can post them to social media and tag you in them. Do we have a deal?
>>70212889
why is he so adorable bro's?
>>70198592
>>70199121
>Your pitch has triggered a long-forgotten memory inside of me Mr. Peets, deep inside the recesses of my mind. You see, I am an O'Leary, as my father was also an O'Leary. Long ago, when I was a young lad, I would spend my summers with him in the wild and rugged West Coast of Ireland. We always vacationed in a small yet cosy cottage, just on the outskirts of a village named Killybegs in the County of Donegal. I would spend my days roaming through the picturesque fields, and I would eat homemade brown bread sandwiches filled with the finest crab meat caught by the local fishermen. My father lived and breathed this country, and wanted to show me every part of it. One afternoon, he wanted to show me a place which I had never seen before, the city of Belfast. You see this was at the start of an era that would become known as The Troubles, and my father was a very famous man among a group of people called the Loyalists. We had just arrived in the city, and were walking down a street in West Belfast named the Shankill Road. Just then, a black van pulls up and three large men with balaclavas pulled me and my father inside of it. We sped away to an undisclosed location. While one of the men was blindfolding me, I could hear the other two men shouting incoherently at my father. The sounds I heard next were indescribable, the screams and pleading from my now-hysterical father, begging them to just let me go. I was not involved he told them, I had nothing to do with it. He was bludgeoned to the floor, and made a dull thud as we were dragged outside and brought inside a boarded up house. Inside, one of the men pulls out a revolver. He shoots my father in both of his knee caps. I was restrained as my father fell to the floor, reaching a hand towards me with the most indescribable look of terror on his face. That is what your pitch was to me, my father's exploded kneecaps on the floor, covered in the darkest blood you can ever imagine. And for that reason, I'm out.
>>70215092
>>70204072
Still the best
>>70215092
>>70215092
my sides
i've never even watched the show but these are my favorite threads on this board
>>70199121
>Wilson
>Bill Wilson
Subtle
>>70204528
>phoneposters
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACeMBVid2TY
Best moment in Canadian Dragon's Den right here
>>70206051
kevin plays a part because he's on the show to have fun. The only thing that's really kind of assholish about him, is that he often wants to completely change the guy's business plan. Usually by making a product then turning around and selling the patent to a larger business for major profit.
>it's a synthetic hurricane that produces gold episode.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXSPhuodZ4s
>>70218348
Those fucking huge eyes.
>>70213026
Robert had a hard life.
>>70205066
10/10
>>70218809
Yeah I was more surprised by how Robert is apparently an asshole in real life.
>>70204072
Are you insane? I have never heard such rubbish in my life. I'll give you 80 %
>>70203671
Thanks Lori.
is Beyond the Tank good? because it doesn't look good
>>70219350
>its a bluetooth brain implant episode
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAqxs_hW0CY
>>70225584
>Sharks can't even into transhumanism
