Zootopia Thread: Taking Bunrobics a little too seriously Edition
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Thematic Thursday: Current Theme: /fit/ Zootopia
There is such a lack of art of Gideon and Clawhauser doing things together.
>>4101436
It's a shame that Chumbo never did anything with the two of them together. He actually seemed to like both characters.
>>4102006
Nick is a good doggo
I want to pet him and tell him that hes the goodest doggo in the world
Reminder that VRBit beats Bunanon with a ruler while cucking Red every night
he's here
>>4102401
he's not real.
CЦCKED
>>4102411
terrible edit
>>4102427
can I get a source?
>>4102471
Zootwopia.
>>4102442
Its not even on the correct ear.
but what if Nick cucks Jack
like Jack has some stripey, dowdy little wife back home and Nick shows up and just plows her little bunnyburrow
just fucks her bunny brains out
>>4102471
The Godfather?
>>4102518
What if Jack is a broken, emotionless, empty shell of a man and encourages Nick and Judy to follow their hearts and be with each other because trying to deny the part of you that loves is just killing yourself slowly.
>>4102427
captcha COCK 1700
BB's new comic is making me want to revise a fic I did where Nick was squatting in some abandoned building and Judy gets pissed that he never told her.
I don't know why but I can't feel like I missed the mark? Was it too heartfelt? Too melodrama? I'm really not good at analyzing my own work, so please give me critiques!!!
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11952387/1/Moving-In
also I wrote this a long-ass time ago before browsing the threads so if I get some details wrong I apologize
Roll one up if you haven't already!
>>4102518
>her
I wrote this for the TT /fit/ theme. I posted it in the previous thread but I'd still like some more feedback if anyone wants to give it.
The plague/plaque typo in the first paragraph has been noted and changed in the main document. Thanks to the two anons that pointed it out.
http://pastebin.com/a2hPqFPw
>>4102471
You're joking, right?
>Everyone posting TT submissions
Its NEXT Thursday, isn't it??
Alright let's get extra weird. Jack falls in love with Nick, who is still with Judy. Nick gets seduced and they fugg, he feels like shit afterwards. So he tells Judy who is kind of angry but also kind of likes it cause she's gross like that and wants a 3 way. Jack becomes close to them while Nick/Judy are still a couple, Nick/Judy decide they want kids and want Jack to provide the seed and be a godfather. So Jack knocks up Judy while Nick is balls deep in his ass and using him like a motherfucking proxy-fuck. Fuck yeah.
If that's not weird enough for you, then Jack can turn into Nick's lust penis and enable him to knock up Judy himself.
If you don't know what a lust penis is, consider yourself lucky. Seriously.
>>4102719
Yep
>Weaver's leaving
>People get actually upset
Why are there so many Weaver dicksuckers in these threads? Are you all just a bunch of FN@Faggots who migrated?
>>4102732
yes.
>>4102615
I'm not terribly good at giving in depth critiques, but on a technical level at least, you're a pretty solid writer anon. No major spelling or grammatical errors, no wooden or unnatural dialogue. None that I can see so far anyway. Shit like that drives me up the wall faster than anything.
>>4102732
wait, weaver's leaving?
>>4102746
You can't stop me.
>>4102753
>>4102732
He isn't.
>>4102732
Because he's active, interacts in the threads, isn't an ass, and is consistently funny.
>>4102732
Weavis didn't Leavis
At least not yet...
>>4102732
>Thinking Weaver started with FNAF
>>4102728
You had me up until you had Jack transform into a replacement dick for Nick.
Nick fucking Jack silly, knotting him, and slamming him into Judy relentlessly is not a bad image though.
>>4102802
>You had me up until you had Jack transform into a replacement dick for Nick.
That was basically just a joke. I'm sure SOMEONE will like it though.
>>4102796
Yeah, everyone knows Weaver started with MLP.
>>4102744
that's probably what bugs me the most though. I'm a fairly well educated native English speaker, so that's like setting the bare minimum for my writing.
I'm not in the realm of literature, however. I don't read many novels, just watch films. So I feel like I need tips on the...production? The setting up of stories to make them feel wholesome. Having a style that is unique and captivating. That kind of stuff.
Alternatively I could just be Fan Panda-Ring smut/meme writer for the threads.
>>4102411
>tfw you had a fic idea about VRbune for cyberpunk thematic thursday
Comic doesn't sound like he lifts...
>>4102635
>Rolled a Jackal
>Dubs for location
>Still haven't made up my mind where to stay
Any suggestions? My character is a chef, so he could find work in any area, since no matter where you go there's always someplace serving food nearby. Although he is a prideful person, so he'd prefer to be attached to someplace fancy or famous.
>>4102819
>you will never be so popular people cosplay as your characters
>>4102795
Why does this seem really suspicious to me? Like i feel one of them or both isnt actually him.
>>4102819
Weaver's stuck his penis in so many things its hard to believe he started with something that DIDNT involve porn
>>4102833
I'm a Jackal that lives in riverside. We can hang out.
>>4102753
Actually we're all leaving, in order to protest 4chan's misogynistic campaign against the new Ghostbusters.
Just a little thing for the new thread.
So, with the large species diversity, there have to be a few stereotypes that are somewhat valid. So on that note, what species do you think is the worst to have for a boss? On average, of course
>>4102831
I had a feeling there'd at least be one writefag who planned to do a VRBit fic if it was cyberpunk.
Comic has mentioned exercise a couple times in the past.
I think he jogs or something.
>>4102802
>>4102728
>"Hey, Jack, it's me Nick! Just calling because, well, uh, Judy wants another litter....I know! This question doesn't get any less awkward to ask the third time....you'll do it? Great! Yeah I have the same lube I used on you last time and....yeah of course you can stay the night, and I promise to be gentler on you this ti-....oh you want it harder?......Damn, well, one fox cock is waiting for your sweet ass this Saturday night!"
>"Tell Jack I said hi!"
>"Judy says hello, and thank you, Jack...alright, see you then, we'll go out and have dinner first. Later bud."
>>4102831
IIRC he has decent numbers on his lifts.
>>4102884
Platypus.
Looks like a freak. Lays eggs. If you piss off one of the males you might end up getting poisoned by venom that will leave horrible pain for your entire life.
>>4102839
>>4102839
I don't recognize them.
Linking Ground Fighting since it is relevant to the theme of the day
http://archiveofourown.org/works/7416004
Comicanon did a reading.
https://soundcloud.com/comicanon/ground-fighting
Meanwhile, I am trying to think of something new to write with the theme, and so far failing.
>>4102872
dumb eweposter
When I see insecure anons worried about people leaving/dying I wanna give them a hug.
>>4102931
RubyQuest. They're cosplaying as Weaver's quest characters.
we need more beaver and cute otter boys
>>4102848
One guy made a joke about him leaving not long before that, and he ran with it.
>>4102635
rolling for location.
Got Ox, decided to go big or go home and be a Gaur, which is apparently the largest species! And since Bogo exists I figured a female bovine would be cool, so here's my thick bitch.
>>4102819
Older than that.
>>4102848
I was suspicious about the fact that he was using periods at the ends of his lines.
Usually he doesn't use periods if a sentence ends at a line break.
But I don't recall seeing the Sharla pic before, and Weaver has been know to fuck around like this as a means of distracting threads from current drama (in this case, S8's absence).
>>4102884
What's that last line say? "You are wanting to publish, right?"
Is she implying that hitting her with that halberd will help him in his writing?
And in reply to your question; hippo.
No grand reason, it's just that some of the worst bosses I've had reminded me of hippos in various ways.
>>4103009
Welcome to the Nocturnal District, motherfucker. Hope you didn't like the sun.
>>4103037
>I was suspicious about the fact that he was using periods at the ends of his lines.
>Usually he doesn't use periods if a sentence ends at a line break.
If it's a seriouspost
>>4102822
You'd be better off asking somebody else. I'm a pretty good writer myself, but I wouldn't know how to instruct others, and although I do read quite a bit, my grounding in the literary arts is by no means stellar. Still, know that if you were to ask me what you did wrong, nothing really jumps out at me. That's a good start in my book.
>>4103037
>Is she implying that hitting her with that halberd will help him in his writing?
How are you supposed to write about people killing with halberds if you don't even know what it feels like to really give somebody a good whack with one?
>>4103005
source of image?
>>4102901
I wouldn't mind living life like that
>>4102901
Get a writefag on it son
>>4103037
But publish, it is likely for some sort of scholarly paper, so less with writing, and more data collection.
Now, what data can be collected by smacking someone about with a halberd is another question entirely.
>>4102964
sensei bunny says: all things are impermanent, this is the law of life and death
>>4103081
No idea, got it from these threads. Sorry.
>>4103153
Such a wise bun
>>4103153
Thank you, oh wise master
>>4103153
sensei bunny loves them cheap whores with dewlaps
>>4102964
Having been an anon who has posted my fears about people close to me dying: Thanks.
Honestly it's almost embarrassing how much these threads have helped my psyche
>>4103153
Yes grandmaster!
baa baa black sheep
>>4103327
torpedo upgrade acquired
>>4103221
>>4103245
>>4103305
enjoy your day, write your greentext, draw you doodles, shitpost you ideas, why worry about tomorrow when you can enjoy the now? those who left may return and if not, other may come
>>4103285
you know it
Greentexts! Get your greentexts heeeuuure! You want action? Adventure? Comfiness? Feels? Step right up and Nate the Writedude will spin your "Wilde"-est fantasies into little green words you can read again and again.
Not writing anything new today because I'm working on my pastebin.
Here's what we have so far.
http://pastebin.com/u/NateTheWritedude
>>4103339
These sheep tiddies are of high quality
>>4103350
Nick attempts to take Judy out on a date, but she takes him out to a much nicer, more romantic one first.
>>4103365
the restaurant meal goes to shit so they end up in a diner, date ends übercomfy
>>4103392
That idea works too. Ending can be whatever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEB1iX-VTiM
This is the worst fucking video I've ever seen
If I didn't hate Clawhauser before, I would fucking despise him after watching this
>>4102427
10/10
>>4103058
Well then thank you so much! I guess I'll just leave the fic as is then. Not like I have a strict timeline. I just kinda like writing Nick in Judy in whichever situations pleases me at the moment. I have like, 4 or 5 ideas for them getting together that I like, ranging from slow-burn to night of passion.
You're probably better than I. My only reading nowadays is fics. Hearing that I'm doing alright despite being a Bio major is a feelgood moment.
>>4103038
Now I'm rolling for job, I guess. Nocturnal, really? Why would an ox live here? Maybe she works during the day, which is like, the Nocturnal District's "midnight shift" ??? That exist?
>>4103117
That's my secret, Cap, I am the writefag. Was thinking of writing a dumb little "male bunny hits on Nick rather than Judy" story to see both of them get jealous. Maybe I should just use Jack though. Not sure how much I like his nonexistant character. Cuck memes definitely ruined him a bit and even though the "he's actually into Nick!" angle is funny it still doesn't do much to flesh him out.
No, pure fox-bun breeding only. None of that same-species shit.
Do you guys like Avo?
>>4103574
>>4103574
Avo's okay I guess
>>4103574
Avo is pretty cool
>>4103574
I want to suck Avo's dick like a lollipop.
DAILY REMINDER
DON'T TOUCH FOXES
>>4103574
He's alright I guess.
>>4103637
>he
oh anon
>>4103629
YOU CANT TELL ME WHAT TO DO
>>4103637
I think you mean "Shklee"
>inb4 *tumblr intensifies*
>>4103666
Satan, this is how you got kicked out of heaven
>>4103574
I used to but then weaver made him a girl
>>4103666
FUCK OFF SATAN YOU CANT TRICK ME AND MINE
>>4103574
I haven't seen much of him, to be perfectly honest.
>>4103574
Literally who
>>4103767
Nice tacticool knife and gun, what did you come here because you were the laughing stock of /k/?
>>4103037
Old weaver was a magical thing.
I have literally no grasp on any of the details involving physical fitness.
I must write something for TT.
Wat do?
>>4103574
Didn't Weaver make some weird eldritch horror edit of Avo?
>>4103754
Oh fuck you
Judy with spongebob voice is not what I wanted
>>4103811
Lurk /fit/, remove the gay part and you are done
>>4103574
I want to fight with Avo over turns sucking Al's dick.
>>4103811
Well if you're afraid of triggering any /fit/anons, you could just stick to basic stuff; jogging, hiking, cycling, etc.
>>4103836
>remove the gay
but anon that's how I get my (you)s
MUTUAL MATERNITY CONTINUES
>It was important to Judy to have biological children
>Every fiber in her being was screeching at her at the same time to reproduce
>And she wanted little bundles of joy to take care of
>To call her own and nurture
>She felt as though she could give the world at least one smart, respectful bunny who could make a difference
>She knew her and Nick would be great parents
>But never would their gametes unite and create a beautiful combination of its parents
>She would never get to see Nick's exciteable green eyes in her little bunny
>Nor would she ever see herself in a bouncy little fox kit
>It was a sickening realization to Judy
>Surely she was just being silly
>She would love her babies despite all that, wouldn't she?
...
>Judy bursts through the door
>"Nick, I want to try your mutual impregnation idea!"
>"Are you sure, Judy? If you're not comfortable with it, we could always adopt..."
>"No. I want to have beautiful children. If I don't calm this screaming in my womb, I might go insane."
>"Great! I'll call Whitney Gekkers and tell her what we're doing."
>Judy snarls a bit and pouts on the couch
>Nick seems a little too excited about this plan
>She flips through her address book and remembers a bunny she met on the job
>He was the smartest, savviest, and most suave man she had ever encountered
>Dr. Jack Savage
>>4103767
I've heard of Stu Hopps...
But a hopping stew?
Outrageous.
>>4103865
Then it's even easier.
>>4103897
>demon tribal
gross.
>>4103869
Wait... when did this start?
>>4103923
either last thread or the one before, can't remember
>>4103923
It started yesterday. I'll go ahead and repost the only other installment for you:
>After three years of marriage, Nick Wilde and Judy Hopps decide they want to have children
>"How should we go about it?" Nick asks
>"We obviously can't make little hybrid funnies and boxes ourselves."
>Judy replies "I don't know..."
>"What about adoption?" he says
>"But Nick, what I really want is to be able to look into my little baby's eyes and see us in there..."
>"I want our babies to come from us in some way."
>"So you're saying you want to get artificially inseminated?"
>"I really do..."
>"But what about me, Carrots? Don't you want a little fox kit running around too?"
>"I can't give birth to a fox, Nick."
>Judy and Nick sit in silence for a while and ponder what they should do
>Nick stands up
>"I have an idea, Fluff!"
>"We should find a friend that we both really trust, and... have you impregnated, and have me impregnate a surrogate."
>"Nick! You think I'm going to be okay with you fucking some fox floozy?"
>"It wouldn't be about fucking, Judy, it would be about impregnation. I swear, if we both just put our minds to it, it shouldn't take but once or twice."
>"I'll have to think about it."
>Judy walks outside and leaves Nick to his own thoughts
>"I just want a little fox guy of my own..."
>>4103869
>mutual cucking
Nope
>>4103869
so, how is this going to happen? artificial insemination? one on one with both couples looking at each other? one is artificial while the other does it the way God intended? i'm at the edge of my seat here
>>4103962
doge
Hey everyone. Do you want to read a little story?
A lot of people seemed upset I misled them about the premise of the last one, and I feel bad.
So I made a cute one this time, honest.
What ever happened to magic disney babies? I liked that. It was comfy. Now we have to come up with elaborate cucking scenarios, or worse, adoption.
>>4104038
You had me at cute
Which is honestly pretty late into that post, but give it to us anyways
>>4104038
Oh, my love for you is unconditional, do post.
I have a thing for step-siblings going at it, so I'm not that upset
>>4104040
>adoption.
Fuck you too, asshole. Some of us are only here because adoption is a thing.
>>4103965
I will never understand why y'all are so huffy about mutual sharing. Going behind somebody's back and being an emasculating adulterous asshole, but openly sharing is cool.
Y'all probably don't even polyamory.
>>4104040
The last nofun faggot got triggered so hard he started foaming on the ground because it made no sense that a bunny and a fox had a kid in a movie where bunnies eat a fuckload of carrots and live, bunny overpopulation isn't a problem and where a substance as dangerous as Nighthowler was so unknown despite it's possible militaristic use and being commonly used by country hillbillies who were following the news of Zootopia.
>>4104143
Cucking is literally open sharing.
Cuck.
>>4104143
Polyamory is the best way to get money, with 3 or more incomes you'll be rich
>>4104143
>Wow sure is wrong for you all to judge something I'm into
>Lemme judge you all now.
>>4104184
I didn't say you're wrong, I said I don't understand it. Don't be so defensive.
>>4104143
>polyamory
you should join my harem, if you're not already in it. I love all my buns and various other mammals
going to draw some faces now, y'all probably won't like em tho
>>4104195
yeah, what he said
>>4104040
Shit I actually really love the casual tone of this dialog
She's staring at his dick and they're about to go for the first time and they're just having friendly, laid back banter
>>4104227
>y'all probably won't like em tho
Smiles crying, right?
>>4104038
You, you. Give me,warm. Give me, soft. Give me, cute!
>>4104143
true, healthy polyamory is extremely difficult to find and maintain
plus, a cuck is a cuck.
a cuck by any other name would smell as stinky
>>4104227
as long as it's not domestic abuse or the outcome of an industrial accident i'm good
Posting foxes
>>4104257
ding ding
>>4102635
Rolling for job!
>>4104038
>>4104073
>>4104089
Are you sure you're ready for this? I think this might be my greatest one yet. I call it
>Inevitable
Actually let me try to do that that more dramatically. I call it
> I N E V I T A B L E
>>4104273
crying out of feels or sensory overload?
You like foxes don't you trash?
>>4104297
>think think
Why can I never type properly?
>>4104232
casually speaking and being openly playful/laughing at things are top tier
I'm sure you know that though
>>4104296
just fucking do it.
>>4104296
>>4104298
>>4104268
I'll accept a cool industrial accident that results in a titanium jaw bone
>>4104296
What exactly about "unconditional" confuses you, Mead?
>>4104232
>Staring at his dick
>"Cheese and crackers Nick, I can't swallow that!"
>"Good news! It's a suppository."
>>4104296
>>4104296
Uh oh. Ive got a bad feeling here
>>4104143
>Y'all probably don't even polyamory.
polyamory is a liberal invention to justify being a slut.
it's also a form of cuckoldry/swinging.
stop being a kek
>>4102953
I am too.
Thinking of like, a combination of Foxcatcher with Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
But the idea sounds... dumb and emotion bait-y.
I'm going to dive into more source material.
>>4104296
>>4104329
It's quite short though. So I figure I'll upload one panel every 10 minutes, to make the moment last longer.
Haha, actually for real my internet sucks, it's not intentional.
>>4104375
>>4104377
Don't worry, this one is hardly sad at all, and it certainly doesn't have some mood whiplash twist at the end, I swear.
>>4104408
>thinking being a slut needs a justification
>implying sluts aren't precious beings to be cherished
bruv where do i even start with you
>>4104296
Oh...oh shit...
>>4104296
My body is ready for the feels... Or at least, I hope so.
>>4104138
You're adopted? GTFO.
>>4104173
got any more nick cuck stuff?
>>4102635
Toad, rolling a job.
>>4104453
>GTFO
Pass.
>>4104428
>Nose twitching
This one's for you, Comic
>>4104436
you can stop right there actually, I'm not a cuck
>>4104483
You gotta roll on non-zootopia creatures
>>4104436
Being a slut is a bad thing. They spread disease, wreck the foundation of basic relationships, emotionally unhealthy, etc.
>>4104483
Mammals only, bruh. You should be able to filter the RNG for it. If not, just auto-pass on non-mammals.
>>4104451
source of image?
this isn't that bad at all, I don't know what I was so worried about
it's just a cute Smiles
>>4104173
Looks like such a fucking loser. Couldn't find a better one, Judy?
>>4104555
Smiles has become a giraffe.
>>4104555
>eyes
>>4104539
Afraid I don't recall, anon. Could be I picked it up from this thread long before.
>>4104428
>>4104428
>Don't worry, this one is hardly sad at all, and it certainly doesn't have some mood whiplash twist at the end, I swear.
I know you're lying, but i'll enjoy the cake anyways
>>4104548
>reminds you most of your mom
Does that mean they're symbolically cucking their father's?
I suppose that'd make them cucksons.
And then eventually they'd have their own kids who'll eventually cuck them.
So in reality, cucking is inevitable.
>>4104579
>this kills the Comicanon
>>4104579
JUST BOOP HER ALREADY
>>4104580
>I know you're lying, but i'll enjoy the cake anyways
He is lying: it's gonna go from dark, stormy and nervous Nick to booping and giggling.
>>4104579
Mead, did you see the ending to Dressed Down?
>>4104573
ur mom name is jdy lmao??
>>4104548
enjoy your vapid, loose, high-maintenance, disease-ridden, unhygenic, "women"
getting laid is the most important aspect of relationships, especially when you do it with someone who gives it out like greetings
>>4104555
what did your bunners do to get that reaction out of you?
>>4104555
>>4104575
yeah neck needs work
>>4104555
Man that's weird.
I mean, aesthetically it's great, but it's just jarring as heck.
>>4104040
>is that really necessary
CONDOMS ARE NOT JUST FOR CONTRACEPTION THEY PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING STDS FOR FUCK'S SAKE
>>4104636
oh god
the thought of Smiles being disappointed is fucking terrifying
Jesus
>>4104636
>finger in the butt
>>4104631
>vapid
>high-maintenance
>"women"
Oh boy. You don't even know you've been born, have you?
>>4104664
What can pass from foxes to rabbits though? There may be a few things.
>>4104689
am i being memed? or are you an actual cuck?
>>4104691
hybrids
>>4104664
if it's a monogamous relationship you fucking deal with it, fuck you can even get STDS from fucking too much
>>4102615
Yo. You asked for critique, and I'm going to be harsh but fair. I'm also going to be pretty in-depth, so this'll be one of several posts.
>weak opening line
The opening line of any piece of fiction is perhaps the most important. In this case, the first sentence accomplishes setting the scene with the dialogue, rendering everything after that redundant. We can infer from Judy's words exactly where she is, what's going on, and who she's speaking to. Telling us she said this "after showing up promptly after being called" is unnecessary, and doesn't give a good first impression.
>confusing scene setting (bogo's chair?)
The following sentences don't do much to improve the first impression. In describing Nick seated "in Bogo's chair" we are left to imagine Nick is sitting in the Chief's chair, behind the desk, which, while an amusing idea, obviously isn't the intent.
>confusing metaphors (how are eyes like a buffalo?
Let's look at the structure of your metaphors, with this first one as an example. Why describe his eyes as "like" those of a buffalo weary with the duties of police chief if that's exactly what he IS? This is basically just wasted words; you could achieve the same effect simply by describing Bogo's expression in brief. This isn't the only time you get long-winded with metaphors, either.
>tense shifting
Big no-no. "Judy had thought" sets the sentence up as past tense, which is consistent with the rest of the prose in the fic, but throwing "she enjoys" into the mix, which is present tense, is very jarring. This also shows up in a number of other places throughout the fic.
>>4104609
>>this kills the Comicanon
Don't worry, I've been prepared for such an occurrence.
Knowing that one day Comicanon will leave us, I initiated a secret cloning project.
Just think of it, dozens of genetically engineered VRBits, designed to bring comfy at all hours of the day, without need for sleep.
>"SKREEEE!!! GiV bLuuDD aFff SssslEEEpYYhedZzz! SKREEE!!!"
...There's still some kinks to work out, but I expect tremendous success!
>>4104689
he's just jelly
>>4104729
>too much character description--describing their actions one way, then adding unnecessary clarification to it
The fifth paragraphs stands as an example of your tendency to use overt prose to describe what a character is feeling, when it would be far more effective to describe their expressions and actions instead. A raised eyebrow from Judy, a cautious approach to the desk, and so on would convey exactly what she's thinking and feeling in an instant.
>Nick's physical description comes way too late
Describing Nick in his usual street attire is fine; waiting until we're five paragraphs in, when this change of attire is important to the plot, is not. This scene being set in the ZPD, it is natural for the reader to concoct an image of Nick in police uniform right off the bat. Suddenly being hit with description to the contrary is very jarring, especially since this detail is something Judy ought to have noticed immediately upon walking in, even if the chair's back was to her upon entering--after all, she was able to take in his face and body language in a heartbeat.
>inconsistent viewpoint
It seems like Judy is the lens we're viewing things through, as the prose starts with her and describes her thoughts and emotions, but then Nick gets some description of things only he could know or feel, which is jarring. This is another systemic problem, as we bounce between both Nick and Judy all throughout the fic.
>>4104579
>>4104611
Man, am I really that predictable?
Better do something unexpected for the next JHT then.
>>4104580
Wasn't lying!
Sorry for being so short this time, but I hope you liked it!
>>4104741
>two eyes
>sharp teeth instead of human mouth
Come on.
This isn't a proper VRBit.
>>4104579
get ON with it!
>>4104741
nOT THIS AGAIN
>>4104649
The eyes say 'who are you' but the neck says 'rub me'
>>4104761
>setup for conflict is weak
When it comes down to it, the whole reason for this opening scene makes little sense. Why would Bogo take such a vested, official interest in Nick's place of living, and why would he make an ultimatum out of it? It'd be far more appropriate for him, as chief, to reach out to his subordinate with a helping hand. That's what a leader does. Further, if this really has been going on for a while, Judy really ought to have noticed Nick's lack of domicile sooner--calling attention to that fact in the text just makes the reader question it, too. Bogo is honestly an unnecessary actor in all this; Nick and Judy are the only two we really need in this story.
>"this made Nick feel"
Also a big no-no. As an automaton based on Satan once said, "You can't just have your characters announce how they feel! That makes me feel angry!" It is far simpler--and more effective--to describe a character's expressions and body language to convey their emotions. This is because it requires the reader to empathize with the character as described, which invests them in the narrative more.
>lack of scene break is jarring
One moment, we're following Nick and Judy out of the ZPD, then a cab is hailed, and suddenly we're inside Judy's apartment. Any time you're going to change environs like this, you would do well to include a horizontal line, or some other break in the text to inform the reader that this is a new scene. Alternatively, if you want to keep it all as one scene, describe the transition as they ride the cab, dismount, and walk up to Judy's apartment--just give the reader some stage directions.
>>4104762
that's fuckin cute mead
It's great seeing you do stuff that doesn't end on a downer note these days.
>>4104762
Gosh darn it to heck, das cute
>>4104786
>overblown emotions
Why, exactly, is Judy moved to tears by this whole affair? Even with the long descriptions of the characters' mental states (more on that in a moment), I'm still wondering why the waterworks are being turned on over something so small. The first and last time we saw Judy cry in the movie was when she was pouring out all her mistakes in a last-ditch attempt to regain her friend's trust--here, she's getting teary-eyed over a simple new problem, which is out-of-character for her. Her initial reaction is spot-on; I imagine she would be rather miffed that Nick never bothered to tell her he was still living on the streets, but cooling down from that doesn't mean crying over it.
>lengthy paragraphs describing characters' feelings--should be apparent through dialogue and action
To reiterate--it is always much more effective to impart a character's emotions through description of body language and dialogue. Giving the reader huge blocks of text to read in order to understand what the characters are going through is intensely inefficient compared to just giving us a view at how these actors on the stage are performing.
>sudden, intense profanity
On a final note, one of the closing lines suddenly smacks the reader with the word "fuck" with all the unexpectedness and ferocity of a sniper shot to the head. This is literally the only swear in the entire fic, and it's one of the most profane. Now, profanity is fine if used effectively and consistently, but suddenly throwing an F-bomb out after 3,000 words of clean prose is just jarring.
All in all, I'm sorry to say this is obviously an early attempt at writing fiction. That said, this is an early attempt at writing fiction, so that's perfectly fine. Hopefully my critiques were of some use, and if you require clarification on anything I've talked about, don't hesitate to ask.
>>4104762
Dammit mead, this is nice
I kept waiting for the twist, glad that it wasn't like that
>>4104762
>>4104762
ALL IS WELL
>>4104762
>>4104773
You don't have to be faithful, just make sure everyone is tested
>>4104762
>boop
11/10
>>4104762
MASTER EMOTIONMANCER
>>4104700
>actually believes the cuck meme
>can't tell if he's being memed
cutie you dumb as hell
>>4104762
>Man, am I really that predictable?
>Better do something unexpected for the next JHT then.
Oh god, am I gonna pay for saying the outcome?
>>4104825
>>4104825
I've said it before and I'll say it again: some animator better have gotten impressively paid for all of these.
>>4104812
I'm still waiting for the twist. It's all just death. Remember, she drops dead and leaves him a lifeless hull of a person.
>>4104856
no, you're just ill-mannered. Even if one knows the outcome of the joke, one waits out for their conversation partner to finish it.
>>4104837
bruh, you're too many layers of ironic-deep 4 me
teach me your ways
>>4104773
what is honeymoon disease?
>abstinence
not indulging yourself at every possible moment you can with your SO in carnal pleasure
>>4104762
It just hit me
For some reason I thought her arm was twitching, not her nose.
Its so obvious now, but yeah
>>4104825
I prefer the rare Nick twitch.
>>4104764
I did say there were some kinks.
I mean, look at the Mark One here.
>"I'm sorry, I simply have no time to read any of this, I'm too busy with my personal life. And no, I won't share the events of my day with you, that's private."
Useless as a stump.
>>4104892
True, but I didn't actually know it. If I did I wouldn't have taken a shot at it.
>>4104762
mead pls... after this comic we REALLY need the most cheesy comic your mind can produce.
And of course in the canon timeline with Nick and an ALIVE judy
>>4104937
I mean, I'll take cold shoulder over...
Sharp toothed bloodlust.
>>4104762
goddamit MEAD I think you just gave me diabetes
>>4104937
>>"I'm sorry, I simply have no time to read any of this, I'm too busy with my personal life. And no, I won't share the events of my day with you, that's private."
seems legit
>>4104930
So how good is his sense of smell?
I wonder if that'll be relevant in the future. I mean its hard to do scent related stuff in movies because scent isn't very visual unless you do like "colored gas represents smells" which is kinda clunky or simply have the characters say what they smell, which works in limited amounts, but can easily go into "telling not showing".
>>4103562
Iji is a severely underappreciated drawfag. I have seen him post new stuff and barely anyone notices.
>>4104959
>Sharp toothed bloodlust.
Well apparently you don't get comfy without splicing in a few hellbeasts.
So is chief Wilde finally going to get with July and have sone happiness for the first time in twenty years?
