Wizard 1: Alright, so this is what I did. I gave a dog the ability to teleport at will, right?
Wizard 2: Gotcha
Wizard 1: So, of course the fucker escapes. I thought. Well, I will just make another dog of the opposite gender with the same ability and it will come back. Call of the wild and all that jazz.
Wizard 2: Seems logical.
Wizard 1: That bitch skates too.
Wizard 2: Egad
Wizard 1: So now I need something to round up these dogs. What is the enemy of dogs?
Wizard 2: Cats?
Wizard 1: Bingo. Since the dogs can teleport, I decided to give the cat the ability to teleport too. I made two cats, because you know....two dogs, two cats, right?
Wizard 2: Perfect sense.
Wizard 1: Well, the retarded ass cats teleported into each other and now I got this god damned mutant with way too many legs, tentacles for some god damned reason, and two brains giving it semi-psychic abilities.
Wizard 2: My word.
Wizard 1: Lost that thing too, but not before seeing how it had no interest in the dogs in question and the dogs giving not one fuck about it as well. I am sure the cat won't live long though. I mean, it was pretty fucked up.
Wizard 2: What about the dogs?
Wizard 1: So, I noticed the dogs like to chase bugs and I just happen to have a few spiders webbing up the house. Bam, teleporting spiders so the dogs can chase them across all planes and hopefully be distracted enough I can catch them.
Wizard 2: Great idea.
Wizard 1: Those god damned spiders teleported right into my growth potions, now they are the size of ponies and still slipping around. Needless to say, the dogs aren't going anywhere near those fucking things.
Wizard 2: Jesus man. Why were you making teleporting dogs anyway?
Wizard 1: I figure that chicks like dogs, right? So, with dogs going into the other planes of existence when they teleport, I might be able to attract the attention of some extraplanar whores and see how that pussy stacks up to mundane snatch.
Wizard 2: Why not just give yourself the ability to teleport and take a puppy with you when you go into the other planes?
Wizard 1: Girls scare me, man. Leaving my comfort zone too much to go to their neighborhood like that. Besides, I don't know how it would effect my head travelling across dimensions, so the dumb animals get to go with the dry run.
Wizard 2: I understand on all counts.
Wizard 1: Now I got these spiders fucking up my house, these dogs tear assing acrossing the country side taking down wildlife in massive quantities, and that retard cat off doing god knows what, I figure I better make me some muscle to protect me.
Wizard 2: Ok
Wizard 1: Owl bears.
Wizard 2: What?
Wizard 1: Owl bears. I am awake during the day and needed a nocturnal guardian, so I fused an owl for night time sentinel work with bear for the bad ass strength to back up that owl. It work great for a few weeks.
Wizard 2: Then what happened.
Wizard 1: It got pissed that I was eating its eggs for breakfast and lunged at me. I sent it flying with a magical blast. I am sure it is dead off in the wood by now.
Wizard 2: Yeah.
Wizard 1: So that brings us to this fucker. What I wanted to do was combine a dragon with a wasp to really scare the fuck out of everything to keep it away from my home. A giant fire-breathing wasp! Only thing is, I got a small dragon with a stinger and chip on its shoulder instead.
Wizard 2: You are a terrible wizard, man.
Wizard 1: I am starting to see that.
>>33898664
In my game, wizard 1 is named Aleminster, and his catchphrase is "it seemed like a good idea at the time."
Heh, I like this, OP. Thanks for typing it up.
>>33898409
Wizards: no sense of right and wrong.
Peasant 1: Why didn't you just get a leash for the first dog or something?
Wizard 2: That's incredibly illogical.
Im pretty sure I know what most of these creatures are, but what the heck is the psychic tentacle cat called in D&D?
>>33905663
Displacer Beast
>>33905663
I'm only missing the spiders.
Most of those don't teleport, they just slip through the ethereal plane.
>>33906343
Phase Spider
>>33906350
Semantics. To the usual joe, it is the same thing. They start off in one spot, blink out of existence, then appear at another spot. Really, though, the concept of slipping through the etheral plane isn't lost on the wizard, which is why he was trying to pick up extraplanar bitches with a cute dog.
Villager: 'Ello, Mayor!
Mayor: *nods* Citizen.
Villager: Mr. Mayor, I been meaning to ask ya. You know that big gem that can be used by the dark forces to enslave all of mankind that is kept in the middle of the town's square under constant supervision and is encased in five feet of steel?
Mayor: Yeah?
Villager: Why do we even 'ave that thing?
Mayor: Because a wizard put it there.
Villager: But why?
Mayor: Because he was an asshole.
>>33900718
It was, thank you for owlbears.
>>33906499
>Mayor: Because he was an asshole.
the tag line of wizards everywhere.
My 3.5 Level 19 Warlock has a saying thats fair apt for this situation:
"Fucking Wizards..."
Seriously though, 95% of everything wrong in the world is because some wizard somewhere is doing some shit he should be.
>>33908524
Seriously, when was the last time the magic artifact of doom was created by a bard? What horrible man-eating monstrosity was created to guard a ranger's hut? Hell, why do wizards live in obvious towers anyway? It's almost as if they want people to break in and release their horrible experiments.
>>33909173
They're supposed to be phallic symbols.
Staves, wands, pointy hats, towers, these all have one thing in common.
>>33909204
Wizards are expert and handling them?
>>33909213
They get pissed off if anyone else touches them.
>>33909213
They all say "HUGE DICK."
>>33910582
I like to think the rust monster is the fault of an evil wizard who was trying to piss of adventurers.
>>33910597
I really did a terrible job writing that in my tired haze so I am gonna post it again with all the fuck ups.
Also, wizards aren't evil, they just don't have any sense of right and wrong.
Wizard 2: Hey! It's been a while. Did you ever get those dogs?
Wizard 1: Nah, but I moved on to other things. The main reasons for the dogs was to try and get some extraplanar snatch, if you recall. Well, I decided it wasn't worth it to try to seduce some cunt when I could just build one.
Wizard 2: Sex doll? Those are kind of creepy, aren't they?
Wizard 1: Like I give two shits what other people think of it. I was keeping it locked away in my tower guarded by all kinds of nasty shit. Its where I keep all of my porn. Good luck even finding it. I basically spliced together a warforged, a nymph, and a gelatinous cube. Bam, dumb as stone from the cube but can morph its outward appearence to whatever I want, tough enough to take any kind of kink I want to through down with the warforged base, and an intrinsic and natural beauty when in its base for with the nymph.
Wizard 2: That DOES sound tempting.
Wizard 1: Oh, that's right. And if everything would have worked out correctly it would have been perfect. Instead it got the curiosity and skittish nature of the nymph, the hard exterior of the warforged, and the dissolving attribute of the slime. It also seems content to stay in the form of a big ass cockroach and spray its corrosive vaginal juice over anything metal. It is the oddest kink. Naturally I kicked the whore out of the castle. I am sure it has died by now.
Wizard 2: Quite
>>33910609
>with
Should be without. Christ, I need caffeine. Gonna pound a monster energy drink.
>>33910623
oh Christ this is gold
I love this thread so much. Please keep it up op
>>33910597
Nah, it was a wizard who was beat up by fighters in his youth.
Wizard 2: You know, I had the exact same idea last week.
Wizard 1: Yeah?
Wizard 2: Yeah. I figured the best way to get some extra planar action would be if I just summoned them myself, you know? Cut the uncertainty out of the equation.
Wizard 1: with you so far.
Wizard 2: So, I was crazy into blowjobs last week, and this month's issue had a letter to the editor about this crazy orgy that this guy took part in down in Waterdeep. I figured, "why not have both at the same time?"
Wizard 1: Naturally.
Wizard 2: So I go to my summoning chamber and I realize there's only enough space on the floor to draw one full size circle. I figure that I'm only summoning the parts of the bitches that I care about, so I can make em smaller and crowd em together a bit.
Wizard 1: Sounds kind of risky...
Wizard 2: I wasn't really thinking about that at the time. So I summon all of them at once and they sort of fuse together. All of their mouths are talking at once and it sounds like my mother in law just came to visit and she brought her sisters.
Wizard 1:...so did you get any action?
Wizard 2: After the first one almost bit my dick off I stopped trying. I was also getting a headache from all the bitching.
>>33910623
The very next campaign I run I am gonna have the heroes go through a dangerous as fuck wizard's tower for the promise of 'secret and awe-inspiring loot'
Owl bears, devious traps, and the chest itself will be a mimic.
The reward will be a stash of terrible porn of different creatures, dick pics, dragon dildos, and other shit that the wizard wanted to keep away from prying eyes.
Wizard 2: I heard you had some visitors last week.
Wizard 1: Yeah. A group of four, no less. They came barging in after wrecking my lovely tower and pocketing all of my valuables, looked me in the eye and called me a, what was it?, oh yes! "Spawn of the nine hells!" and rushed me.
Wizard 2: Oh my!
Wizard 1: Yeah, luckily I was wearing my brown robe, and double lucky I had just finished my newest creation.
Wizard 2: What's that?
Wizard 1: Well, you know how I was working on that love potion?
Wizard 2: Yeah.....
Wizard 1: Well, I couldn't get it to work for shit. So I changed gears and found a way to make a kind of opposite potion instead. If someone kind of likes you, it will make them kind of not like you, and vice vesa. It doesn't enhance any base feelings, just invokes the opposite. I was planning on slipping it in the Kobold bath house down the road for a lot of discounted gear, labor, and maybe some lizard lovin' in the future.
Wizard 2: Brilliant
Wizard 1: It WOULD have worked but when these guys busted in I threw the powder at them. Pure reflex. I didn't scream like a girl while doing it, I assure you.
Wizard 2: And then what happened?
Wizard 1: Well they stopped viewing me as threat. Their hate toward me turned to full on love and respect, which would have been great, but the respect and love they had for each other turned to full on hatred toward the group and they beat each other to death right then and there.
Wizard 2: Egad
Wizard 1: It's for the best. It was an all male group of fighters and soldiers. It would have been kind of rapey if they would have stayed around. It took all day to clean up their bodies and wash the shit out of my robe.
OP here.
Any drawfag feel like drawing Wizard 1 and Wizard 2?
>>33911525
What's the dust?
By order of the prince of chaos, this wizard is to be put to death for his wanton disregard of the laws of nature. In his highness own words: "That's some freaky shit!"
Are diplomancers arguably the deadliest form of wizard out there?
>>33911608
I'll try to whip up something, do you want It for a panel that can be repeated for these sort of threads?
>>33911608
>>33912019
The question becomes whether they are both gandalf-looking wizards. Maybe they should be horrible neckbeards? Not sure about stereotypical looks for magic NEETs
>>33911608
>>33911608
>>33911608
I already posted this image here >>33893099
but it's perfect.
>>33912141
One should have flowing robes with long smooth gold arc designs and a cornuthaum with a similar design, the other should have flowing robes of a different color with bright stars on everything and a little hat like the one Dumbledore wears.
Maybe swap the hats, iunno. Just make two archetypal wizards that just happen to look completely different.
>>33912171
In between the crosses and the black robes and the freakin' halos, I'm pretty sure those guys are clerics.
>>33909173
>It's almost as if they want people to break in and release their horrible experiments
OK I've drawn something, excuse me while I fight with my computer for a second...
Also It would be a billion times better if a digi artist went over it.
Apologies in advance I did it with a sharpie and camera in five minutes.
Also I'm a manga artist...
But these looks like scheming wizards to me.
FUCKING IF THIS COMES OUT SIDEWAYS OR TEN TRILLION BY 40 BAJILLION ULTRA PIXELS I'M GOING TO STAB SOMEONE.
>>33912769
Oh it came our right.
But yeah if there are any digi artists. Go over those lines yo.
I do sketches so imperfections are fine, but used a sharpie for this so I can be seen online.
>>33900718
>Aleminster
Haha, good one.
>>33911614
Meant to say potion instead of powder.
>>33912019
Yeah, something so that when anyone looks at it they can say, 'oh shit, its one of THESE threads again'.
Wizard 2: Hey! I came as quick as heard. You got some goblin troubles?
Wizard 1: I DID, about a week ago. Christ either word is moving slow or your moving even slower than usual.
Wizard 2: I just heard about it yesterday.
Wizard 1: Well, I suppose that makes sense. Living in a isolated tower, word about doesn't travel too fast. Anywho.. Goblins. Yeah, had a whole mess of them.
Wizard 2: What in the world were they doing here?
Wizard 1: Apparently they thought I had some kind of treasure trove or something and they came to raid the place. I saw their small army gathered outside while they were gibbering back and forth and I leaned out the window and asked them 'What the fuck you want?"
Wizard 2: And what did they want?
Wizard 1: I am getting to that. They croaked back, 'Give us your treasure.'. First thought that comes into my mind is that they were after my chest of porn and interdemsional glory hole in a jar. So I promptly told them to 'Eat shit!' and emphasized it with a thunderclap. They didn't like that too much though.
Wizard 2: What did they do?
Wizard 1: Launched flaming rocks at my tower is what they did. I mean, other than looking neat, it didn't really do anything. Seriously? attacking a wizard's tower with rocks? Not too bright. I decided to do something about it though and it gave me a chance to try my newest creation.
Wizard 2: FANTASTIC! What did you make this time?
Wizard 1: Horny skeletons!
Wizard 2: What?
Wizard 1: I figured if I can snatch up a good looking female just planted and revive her as a zombie that won't rot and has a high sex drive, it would be ideal, right? Well, I had to test it and nobody lives around here so the only thing I have around here is skeletons from failed attempts at taking my tower and loads of animal bones from failed experiments.
Wizard 2: My god
Wizard 1: Yeah, the bear and wyvern skeletons probably killed the most through sheer weight alone. While they wouldn't rot, the bones did chip.
>>33914755
Wizard 2: My word
Wizard 1: They had no genitals to speak of, but they thrust the air hard enough to crush the goblins with each thrust. The skeletons fragmenting, the goblins screaming, and me in my tower laughing while masturbating and lighting storm overhead. It was fun. Shame you couldn't have been here, we could have bukaked the battlefield, maybe snatched a few goblin ladies away from the danger.
Wizard 2: Good lord, no. Goblins carry public lice, sir.
Wizard 1: Goblins don't shave? That's so gross.
>>33914828
Ah, good old PUBLIC lice. They like hanging around at parties and being friendly with everyone.
>>33914828
These wizards don't know shit. I fuck plenty of goblin ladies and they got no lice.
Bumping
Wizard 1: Hey! My old friend! I have got something just for you!
Wizard 2: And what's that, chum?
Wizard 1: I call it the dismissal stone. Somebody giving you shit? Hit them in the head with this rock and banishes them to another plane of existence.
Wizard 2: Amazing!
Wizard 1: Just don't try to skip it across lakes. Also, stay away from the town due east, they are going through a major drought at the moment.
Jesus Christ man.
Interesting writing, but use some fucking contractions once in a while.
Contractions may not be the tone the writefag desires. Wizards afterall are notorious for their dignified, refined, or just plain annoying manner of speaking.
Keep up the funny, and good work sir writefag.
>>33918921
>>33919837
I didn't even notice until that guy pointed it out, although
>what's that, chum?
is a contraction of "what is," so...
>>33915351
Obviously your problem is that you weren't in the town square at the time.
Wizard 1: I heard the screaming and came right away! What happened?
Wizard 2: Well, it started last week. I was doing some potion brewing, attempting to make something to silence the nymphs in the forest yonder.
Wizard 1: I understand, do go on.
Wizard 2: Naturally, I needed some essence of banshee, to try and find a reagent that could quell the noise.
Wizard 1: I am following.
Wizard 2: I decided to test it on the goblins in the caves nearby, as to avoid unnecessary side effects later on.
Wizard 1: Continue.
Wizard 2: I moved into the caves, only to find a sacrifice was going on. They saw me, and moved in for the kill.
Wizard 1: How horrifying.
Wizard 2: Indeed. I flung the vial, and ducked for cover, hoping it could aid in my escape.
Wizard 1: Naturally.
Wizard 2: Unfortunately, the place is filled with mushrooms, and my aim seemed a bit off.
Wizard 1: Mhmm.
Wizard 2: When the brew hit the fungi, they began to grow, and shriek uncontrollably.
Wizard 1: Egads.
Wizard 2: It seemed some spores got on my robes, and they've begun to infest my tower walls.
Wizard 1: Should I send for the Druid?
Wizard 2: Please do.
Someone should screencap this thread, I'm dying.
>>33921366
>Please do
>>33921366
I think something that particularly sells these is that Wizard 2 completely understands and empathizes with Wizard 1's motivations and explanations, which really reinforces the wizards are assholes theme.
>>33921366
>Wizard 2 has little one or to word lines that just boil down to "keep talking"
Revised, for brevity without a decrease in worthwhile content:
Wizard 1: I heard the screaming and came right away! What happened?
Wizard 2: Well, it started last week. I was doing some potion brewing, attempting to make something to silence the nymphs in the forest yonder. Naturally, I needed some essence of banshee, to try and find a reagent that could quell the noise. I decided to test it on the goblins in the caves nearby, as to avoid unnecessary side effects later on. I moved into the caves, only to find a sacrifice was going on. They saw me, and moved in for the kill. Indeed. I flung the vial, and ducked for cover, hoping it could aid in my escape. Unfortunately, the place is filled with mushrooms, and my aim seemed a bit off. When the brew hit the fungi, they began to grow, and shriek uncontrollably. It seemed some spores got on my robes, and they've begun to infest my tower walls.
Wizard 1: Should I send for the Druid?
Wizard 2: Please do.
>>33921567
And now it isn't funny any more. Congratulations, you killed the joke.
>>33921567
Luckily a straight man is a thing.
>>33921567
Oscar Wilde said that "brevity is the soul of wit," but... do you know what a soul without a body is? It's a fucking ghost. You killed that joke and now it is haunting us.
>>33921567
It was much funnier before. Wiz 2 adds a lot by being so understanding
>>33921567
You don't get comedy, do you?
>>33906463
>Semantics. To the usual joe, it is the same thing.
But this wasn't a conversation between two usual Joes, it was a conversation between two wizards. There should have pages of dialogue of them getting bogged down in semantics.
0/10, immersion ruined, git gud faggot, OP cannot stop sucking cocks.
>>33909173
>Seriously, when was the last time the magic artifact of doom was created by a bard?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Read_or_Die_%28OVA%29
