I read a few D&D green texts and it made me laugh hard. I wanted to see how pen and paper turned into these awesome stories. I have friends I started playing a Pathfinder campaign with and now I'm barely in and I'm laughing. Can we get more of yours?
I'll start with my Cudgil.
He isn't smart, but he's a demon on the battlefield.
>Be me.
>32 year old Lenny Barbarian from "Of Dire Rats and Humans".
>Petting bunny in a tavern sitting with brother George shield fighter.
>We are the Brothers Wrathbone (Cudgil and Ward)
>Meet and greet elf bard of questionable sexual orientation and masked half-Drow wizard.
>Mayor offers reward for troublemaking goblins.
>Cha-ching.gif
>Cudgil keeps a pinky on Ward's pocket to not get lost.
>Lots of prestidigitated butterflies to keep Cudgil from full ape mode.
>Off to meet a halfling hermit for info on goblins.
>Uneventful trip besides giant snake.
>Several bridges.
>Rainbow elf bard "I check the bridge for trolls."
>There are no trolls.
>rinseandrepeat.exe
>Find hermit. Things smell fishy.
>Ward does not like elf. Elf is a loose cannon.
Pic related. Is Cudgil.
>Hermit halfling is actually level 3 faceless stalker.
>Cudgil feels a stirring in his loins.
>Battle with stalker is rough. Heavy hitter mixed with poor rolls.
>Cudgil grits his teeth as he rolls.
>Stalker's eye widen with fear.
>Cudgil winds up for the attack as a single tear rolls down the stalker's faceless face.
>Cudgil physically splits the atoms of the stalker with his great club.
>Stalker is now a load-bearing part of the halfling's domicile.
>Cudgil's boner subsides.
>Halfling is found and grateful...blah blah blah.
>"Where are the goblins?!?!"
>Find village empty/half razed.
>Start to investigate.
>ohshitgoblins.mpeg
>Cudgils erection grows as battle ensues.
>Flamboyant elf daintily sneaks away to homosexually loot hut.
>Goblin king blows up comrades with stolen fireworks.
>Goblin climbs bookcase. Jumps wildly.
>ohlookacarcass.png
>Cudgil caves in a goblin skull with a rock from his sling.
>mmmmmappetizers.avi
>Goblin king blows Cudgil up!
>Elf bard in full body glitter charges to the rescue with a potion for Cudgil
>Cudgils up but bard is down!
>"Thanks for the butterflies. Drink this."
>Cudgil rushes the goblin king and swings for the bleachers.
>The dust clears and the GM later tells me "He wasn't supposed to die. He was running. But, you rolled so high."
>Today was a great day for Cudgil.
>itsthesimplethings.doc
We encounter an evil shopkeeper. This is his story.
>Be me, just making a living in this damn world.
>Love a witch outside town but everyone hates her
>Idgaf.exe
>faggot elf comes in alone looking for shit and wants to meet my love
>asks for children's ashes and ghoul tooth
>wtf This beta fag wants me to burn my child
>has money so, burnson.exe
>give fagboy secret letter to give to my love
>written in forbidden language, like our love
>he comes back later and I know he read the letter
>fucker walks away. cursehisass.exe
>his friends hear me and walk in.
>fucking giant with downs and shield fag and healz fag
>beta fag elf starts some shit and throws knife at me
>misses like a bitch
>shield fag grabs random potions off shelf
>ohshit.gif
>he had no idea and starts throwing them all random
>what the actual fuck
>this is insane.
>fucker stands on my counter with an armful of potions and a menacing look.
>can't try and explain. Have to run
>dive past fagboy elf towards trap door
>get downstairs and start running.
>floor gets slippery and fall
>fagboy elf greased it with what I assume is his fag seed
>mongoloid and friends charge downstairs.
>why? Why are they chasing me?
>shield fag throws first potion of pure vomit.
>missed
>thankgod.jpeg
>mongoloid is strong.
>too strong
>gifted from the heavens with unnatural strength
>must make up for that glazed look in his eyes
>and that erection
>gross.jpg
>heal fag can't hit with arrows
>serves him right
>dash to far door, shield fagboy throwing potion after potion
>can't hit me cause I'm too pro
>dodgethatshit.exe
>idea: fireball.exe
>fags and mongoloid burst and fire consumes the fag elf's semen
>barrel through door as they seem completely unphased by the arcane fire
>what are they?!
>invisible.exe
>fagboys rush in room
>invisible me standing at far end
>my cage monsters howling and snarling like good pets
>don't think to let them out but whatev
>they slowly file in, shield fag stays at back like a bitch
>whatever, fireball.exe
>fags burst into flame again, mongoloid taking most of the fire
>the gorilla god is seemingly indestructible
>heal fag channels and my time is near
>one trick left.
>they see me and rush over, mongoloid just slamming his club at the wall
>fagboy elf is there next to me wanking and singing like a tool
>tries to make me watch him try and perform wind on himself
>gross.jpg averteyes.exe
>whizzing sound, mongoloid hits me in stomach with tree club
>crazy shield fag throwing shit at mongoloid.
>he begins to stink, getting nauseous from the club or the smell.
>shield fag throws another rando potion
>be me
>attacked by four fags for trying to get them to deliver a love letter to my beloved
>the mongoloid in front of me is unrelenting, just beating his club into me
>look up in time to see him get hit with something shield fag threw
>his face wrinkles in front of me, body horribly mutating as he seems to age
>when will it stop? He's just getting older
>his boner fades, probably erectile dysfunction
>the shield fag doesn't even care and readies another potion to throw as his friend seems to age forever
>now is my chance to escape these freaks
>colorspray.exe
>all downed but shield fag
>figures
>bolt for door as he throws more potions like a crazy man
>maniacal crazy shield man chases throwing potions like he isn't trying
>keeps missing like a pussy beta fag
>laugh at him as I run to the door, almost free
>potions flying by my head
>have to look back but know I shouldn't
>i know when I do it'll be the one that hits me
>always works that way
>fuckit. Turn and look
>yup. Here it comes right for my face
>recognize this one
>it
>melts
>people
>figures.jpg
>face melts off as my body disintegrates.
>fml
>only wanted to proclaim my love
>mfw
Thanks, Ward.
Now Cudgil is waning...
Wow. Nothing.
Ouch.
Apparently no one has ever had fun playing a traditional table top game.
