> DM: "Alright, you're trying to scale the wall. Does anyone have rope?"
> P1: "Uhm... I have soft rope, will that work?"
>P2: "Soft rope? What are you talking about it? You mean just rope?"
>P1: "No, soft rope. I wrote it down, see?"
50ft Rope
>>46345042
>walking through the woods
>me(fighter) and the pooladin are the only ones who have horses
>moving pretty slow so the dorf and elf can keep up
>we see some orcs walking down a hill toward us but they haven't seen us
>pooladin jumps off his horse and screams "RUN"
>slaps his horse purposefully into the orcs
>they hear him yell and kill the horse literally instantly because there is like 15 of them
>pooladin gets mad when 10 surround him disarm him and grapple him
>screams "come on guys help meeeee"
>>46347724
I know English can be a bitch but really? Pooladin? As in a paladin to the poo gods?
>>46345042
>>46347724
>walking through the woods
>we come across some house and enter it
>spooky wall painting comes to life
>pooladin wants to set it on fire but when the dm hints that it will end badly he metagames into making another party member do it
>spooky wall painting summons up some crazy undead things that grab the pooladin the other pc and the cleric
>"cleric you can go you did nothing wrong"
>monsters about to curse us when the other pc says "ill take the blame for all of it curse me and just me instead!"
>pooladin says nothing
>cleric hops in and says he will take half the punishment too
>pooladin says and does nothing
>lets us get cursed
>never says thanks
>never apologizes
>says he didn't wanna get cursed or hurt
>his vows dictate he place himself in danger rather than let his friends and innocents
>sees nothing wrong with this
>>46347749
no,"pooladin" as in he is a shit player who doesn't follow his vows and metagames.
>>46347749
designated shitting street
>being the DM
>party is made up of druid, ranger, wild rogue, barbarian, and a wild bard
>venture into a small town that is holding a xenophobic execution against all non humans
>party sees an elf on the chopping block
>half the party are elves
>all are good aligned
>none attempt to save the elf
>elf was the carpenter and architect for a large number of buildings in the area, including a nearby shipyard
>shipyard is where the party is heading
>shipyard is inhabited by a military focused on siphoning all resources in the land for personal gain
>military is effectively spreading blight for the sake of denying advantages to their enemies
>party decides to make an attempt at sneaking into the shipyard to steal the military flagship
>party has no means of knowing where to hide, or has any allies in the shipyard
>party doesn't even have knowledge of the arcane aside from the bard
>elf bard decides to gather information by wandering up to the local guard
>local guard is part of the military
>elf bard gets killed
>rest of party gets killed trying to steal the ship with no information
>gm: Alright, how do you convince the people in the bar that he's made a deal with the infernal powers? Remember that these people cannot see the winds of magic.
>me, dorf: Perhaps search him for some physical mark or brand? They're frequently present.
>elf: alright, well, he was talking about his cock, so I grab it
>gm: you what - fine, it's (rolls) 12 inches
>elf: EVERYONE, THIS BRETONNIAN HAS A HUGE COCK, CLEARLY HE GOT IT IN AN INFERNAL BARGAIN!
>>46347761
>inside a spooky cave getting a spooky artifact for a dwarven king
>we ask the npc guide we are with to stay in the hallway so we can scout the two rooms on our sides
>we ask the pooladin to watch the guide to make sure he doesn't do anything retarded
>blindleadingthedeaf.png
>cleric and me enter the room on our right and are half way through realizing this whole place is a crypt rigged to reanimate the dead if something is moved when we hear screams from the hallway
>npc is gone
>pooladin pops his head out from the other room
>six million zombies are all over the place AND the hallway had a weird ass sliding wall door so we are trapped
>we fight through six million zombies and pull a spooky artifact off the npc's dead body
>place it back in its little area
>the remaining zombies fuck off
>we are half way through breaking through the stone wall that trapped us inside this crypt when suddenly my character goes blind and takes 30 lightning damage
>smash through the wall and run
>pooladin proceeds to get shot by a bunch of 3rd level spells
>cleric gets shot to crit too
>I turn around
>a ball of darkness screaming my name while screaming in pain is making its way toward me (something cast darkness on the paladin's armor)
>nope.png
>cleric wakes up and heals the pooladin and himself
>they turn around and stare down a wight
>the darkness fades
>I turn around to see "some Micheal Jackson looking motherfucker shooting spells"
>charge him
>he points a finger at me
>blind
>crawl away
>paladin was right behind me
>Micheal Jackson guy points his finger at the pooladin
>rolls a 1 on his will save
>shits his pants and takes 30 psychic damage and is knocked out cold
>darkness fades
>I shoot Micheal Jackson with a shortbow twice for max damage
>that must have been half his health cause he ran the fuck away
>cont
>>46347877
>Micheal Jackson guy comes back with two more undead pals who have shortbows
>one shoots at me twice
>misses
>one shoots the cleric twice
>crits the cleric and rolls max damage knocking him down to -1 hp
>this upsets the fighter
>shoot Micheal Jackson twice more and kill him
>run up to one of the shortbow guys and crush his spine
>other undead runs away
OOC pooladin asks if his paladin can be an oath breaker who is crazy from taking a bunch of psychic damage instead of dying
>he says yes the absolute madman
>this upsets the party
>>46345042
>DMing a Black Crusade game.
>PCs sneaking on a trio of Devastators
>They're spotted but manage to get to melee
>Night Lord Pariah chops the leg of one of them
>Want to finish him in a "cool" way.
>Takes the Devastator's weapon, fails miserably his Knowledge test to identify the weapon.
>Shoots him point-blank
>In melee
>With a blastmaster
>near-TPK.jpg
>>46347848
Underrated post
>>46345042
>party's first mission in Star Wars Saga
>psycho noble, pervert noble, rapist Jedi, idiot scoundrel
>summoned by Moff
>told to bring him in for anti-Empire propaganda
>go to his apartment
>he isn't there
>completely destroy his apartment searching for valuables
>pscho and rapist want to have sex on his bed, but the GM threatens to give a dark side point
>find a chip from a local casino
>travel there immediately in pervert's chariot
>spend an entire session trying to figure out how to break into the casino
>eventually decide to just wait until it opens and go in
>GM has named and characterized every character in the bar, and has lots of potential motivations, plot hooks, etc.
>we only find this out afterwards, because we handle things very badly
>idiot loudly accuses bar owner of being a rebel spy
>nobody believes him
>psycho and rapist see journalist
>immediately charge towards him
>bar patrons draw weapons and defend him
>we murder almost everyone there
>set the bar owner on fire and shoot him
>rapist grapples the journalist for most of the fight and whispers uneccesarily sexual threats in his ear
>bring him back to the Moff
>get paid
>DM says we all earned 3 dark side points
>>46349207
The NPCs were annoyed but they apparently figured this was just some elf thing.
>>46347848
What sort of die/dice do you roll for cock size anyway?
>>46350252
I think the DM just rolled a d20 or d12 for a laugh.
>>46350252
2d6
>>46347895
Either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. An insane, fallen paladin is a brilliant idea as an alternative to death! It's still tragedy but less metagamey!
That group doesn't have any sense of drama. Only the paladin player gets it.
>>46350252
d69
>>46353068
Only that the pooladin also has been an utter twat and utterly sucked at roleplaying in the previous stories. So giving him an actually insane character is NOT something any sane DM should do.
>>46353572
>d69
Good god, that reminds me of the weirdest session.
The players were a Rogue and a Warlock who were part of the Thieves Guild. Their assignment this time was to meet a small humanoid at the side of a brothel.
This humanoid was a teenager who handed them a pictobox. He wanted three pictures of a voluptuous lady in her bathtub. The reward was a shiny ruby. As a bonus he would give a medallion of Prevent Detection if they'd give him some of her underwear. The players were reluctant but couldn't refuse such an offer. They asked how he got the ruby, he told he was the son of a baron. They tried to couple the two together.
The lady was very reluctant. Her husband died recently and she still had all his money. She was 'in mourning'. Though she let her robotic servant do all the work. The warlock saw through her façade and recognized that she was putting up a play of some kind. This ticked him off and he blasted the robo-servant to smithereens. They were yelled out and started to plot plan B.
But first, food. They like to roleplay how they'd get their grub. We discussed the restaurant's name and started off with the Blue Fin Fish. "Nah," I said "The Blue Mermaid."
"That sounds gay," he said.
"The Blue Merman?"
"That's not gay, that's Gay~"
"The Not So Man?"
"Blue Mermaid it is, is the food ogay? -I mean 'okay'?"
They eventually ate fish at a restaurant with a gay waiter. He showed them what the seamen brought them, they weren't clams, but it did smell like it. He offered seacucumbers and sausage. If it wasn't that, it at least had some lovely lips.
After that they planned to take those pictures. The warlock went to the magic shop to get invisibility salve and gave it to the rogue. She had to undress so she said that the warlock wasn't allowed to peak. AND not to use his familliar to do that! After that he had to cast Fly on her but he put a level of Wild Sorcerer on his character. He had to roll for a random effect on the d100.
>>46354821
It rolled and rolled until it eventually started wobbling. The result: 69. The entire table was stunned! We couldn't believe the odds of this! To make it worse, the effect was to make everyone around him invisible! So the doubly invisible, flying paparazzi flew over the house and made three pictures. When they inspected their work, they saw that she had horns, a tail and wings. She was a succubus!
The rogue took one picture and bargained it as evidence with the guards. While the guards planned to arrest her while in the tub, the warlock disguised himself as a guard and got her some clothing (and her underwear).
They delivered the objects to the client while remaining anonymous (disguised as peers, or at least a gothic elf and a pubescent boy.) They recieved their payment and took the pictobox for themselves as the teenager was too busy being upstairs, slapping his meatstick.
I never intended it to be something like a Magical Realm, just a twist on the normal adventure routine. But I never realized how incredibly dirty it all became.
>>46354840
If you and your players had fun, then its ok
>Fighting pirates
>Dorf Fighter can catches cannon ball
>wonders what to do with said ball
>"Can I dunk the ball on them"
>DM approved
>Dorf rolls for Jump and tumble
>20:1
>he jumps higher than our ship mast but dunk the cannon ball on our ship
>mfw he scored for the other team
>>46345042
You missed the opportunity to name the pic kobgoblin.jpg.
> Fighting some cultists, they cast Blind on me and I fail my save
> 'Alright, I'm blind, time to roleplay being blind'
> Stumble around and shit, be generally helpless and dumb
> Be at inn, my character stays in his room
> Party ranger feels sorry for me, hires hookers to cheer me up
> Doesn't tell me about it
> Inn door opens
> Suddenly I'm accosted by hands and fingers
> Yell 'Help help, I'm being attacked!
> Wait
> Wait wait
> OHHHHHH YEEEEEAAAH
