What's the funniest character death you've ever seen or experienced?
>>46153168
when i killed ur mum in bed last night
>>46153168
when i killed ur mum in bed last night
okay so it's not great but I once killed the entire group with create water.
In pathfinder, create water creates 2 gallons of water per level. We were sixth level, so I could create 12.
We found a basin radiating powerful illusion magic (it was disguised to look like something else) so we decide that that's not all the power it has.
And I decided to be cute with this. So when told to fill it up with water, I dropped 12 gallons of the stuff in there.
Well for some reason, the guys making return of the temple of elemental evil decided that it dealt 1 damage to everyone in the room per PINT of water poured in there. 12 gallons to pints is...96 pints of water. 96 fire, reflex save for half. Everyone in the room had under that, save the sorcerer, who was built like a tank and made his save. We'd never retconned anything in a game before (and this included where I had a character die on two reflex saves right after a previous death. I was incalculably mad), but this was retconned by saying I stopped it after 2 gallons. Thank god.
That's how we learned to watch out for the fact that detect magic only uncovers one school of magic.
>>46153168
I was playing an Azorius Spell Knight in Ravnica when my patrol was overrun by a Gruul warparty. We engaged while waiting for the proper warrants to arrest. We managed to kill everyone save for a tremendous Minotaur with two shortswords. We had him trapped in a time-stop bubble and force him to watch us kill his clanmates.
"Surrender! Lay down your arms and you will be spared!"
He thought about it. Then he attacked me, won initiative, crit immediately with both attacks, and instantly sliced me in half.
In consolation, apparently I was a near-legendary character among Azorius (thank you Renown rules!) so when I died, Azorius basically purged the entire gruul clan responsible. My DM knew me very well. My favorite cared was always Wrath of God.
>>46153168
Now well I can't say that I did it, nor did anyone actually die, it was god damn hilarious how our party barbarian, through the use of a humanoid automaton and a cannon utterly WRECKED the halfling bard he had a feud with.
The party's vampire fighter deciding against all common sense to take his chances against broad daylight and promptly burning to a crisp. His last words? "Trust me."
>>46153168
The partys barbarian leapt from a balcony to kill a flying mage, crit, decapitated him, fumbled a roll to grab the rope we threw after him, and then unceremoniously plummeted a few hundred meters into a lake of abolthes.
>>46153168
>halfling rogue goes out on his own
>sneaks past everything to the fourth floor of a bandit stronghold
>tries to escape onto the roof
>completely fails the check to get up there
>falls, makes a huge noise
>manages to hide and run away for the most part but gets caught by the very last guy right outside the door
>rest of the party goes to save him
>he tries to attack the leader of the bandits
>gets knocked down and straight-up dies
The entire session after that climbing failure could have had Benny Hill playing behind the entire thing.
>Playing LG Cleric in 3.5
>Really good campaign, great DM and character mix
>My character is heavily charisma centered with the leadership feat
>When I'm not healing or assisting somebody in battle, I'm ringing a bell and ordering our enemies to repent and atone for their misdeeds
>Converting vast amounts of people to worship Pelor wherever we travel, persuading devoted men to wage holy crusades against evil
>We had been following clues to a cultist dungeon that we can tell the DM has been excited about, definitely filled to the brim with evil
>Party is resting at a near small town, preparing to enter the dungeon and attempt to defeat the cultists
>Wake up before the party just before sunrise, walk around town ringing a bell telling everyone to make haste to the town center, for their immortal souls are at stake
>Most of the town, most of whom worshipped Pelor from the get-go and had otherwise since been converted since I arose groggily made their way to the town center
>Stand at the center of town facing the rising sun, pulling out my silver holy symbol of Pelor and reflecting the sunrise into the awokened villagers
>Party is up to see what nonsense I'm up to
>"Here ye, here ye! Pelor has commanded me to deliver a message to the people of Ulrin! A great evil stirs near, an evil you have all shut your ears and turned your eyes from! The cultists to the west have offended our lord Pelor, and must be eradicated! Take up arms, good people, and prove your worthiness to our lord! Sacrifice yourself in the name of Pelor and you will have a chosen place in the afterlife by his shining side! Bring your wives, bring your children, for nothing is more important than your eternal soul, and on this day you can prove your worthiness to the God of the Sun!!"
>DM asks for charisma check
>Natural 20
>Entire town stirs into devotion and excitement, gathers weapons, torches and pitchforks and follows our party to the cultist's lair
cont'd
>>46153515
cont'd
>Town eagerly pours into the trap and conjured demon filled dungeon before us
>Bodies everywhere as we move deeper into the dungeon, peasantry slaughtered by traps and monsters they've barely inflicted wounds upon
>Blood covered children sobbing and roaming in the darkness
>Trying to convince children to take up their fathers arms and join them in the afterlife
>Dungeon cleared relatively easy by our party as most of the traps had been sprung, got the next plot hook
>As we emerge from the dungeon, a column of light falls upon my character from the sky
>I get cooked to death by my own diety
It was YEARS ago so i don't remember the exact circumstances and wordage.
>me and group of buddies playing DnD after school
>group is 7 strong but odd social wise
>everybody was pretty different and 3 hated each other with a passion and the other 3 were pretty indifferent to the others for the most part
>only time everyone gets together is gametime
>sessions usually went on until we got bored
>sessions go slowly from actual rp and playing to casual conversation and just sitting around bored as fuck over the course of 1-8 hours
>steve our dm hates this as it ends up with having to decide on a point we "officially" ended
>officially being a point he's certain we'll all remember having happened which could be hours before actual end time
>he hates that shit with a passion because it means he might be retconning upwards of 8 hours of play that most of us probably weren't paying attention to
>steve decided to combat this
>implements the "unless otherwise stated, what you say your character is saying" rule
>half of us are already in a debate over economics we barely understand as we were 15 at the time and didn't hear it while the other half was listening to the debate get heated and barely heard it
>tim is getting crazily into the debate which is odd as he's usually the quietest most contained person to ever exist
>starts on a tangent of fiat money and how its all bullshit and a leash the government used to keep us under control
>starts going on how we should actually have the resources our bills represent in our specified forms and that it would be each citizens duty to protect it
>talks about every citizen owning guns and laws to exempt murder under even minor offenses against them
>talks about how this would only be wild west till only "stable" people are alive and that the government would fear these naturally occuring ubermensch types and would relinquish control
>steve cuts him off around there
Cont.
>>46153591
"SOOO randabar has somehow found a way to stick his head so far up his own ass he's disappeared from the material plane. Roll a new character tim."
>me and the others all just breakdown laughing
>laughed for a good 20 minutes
>got to the point where the others laughing made us laugh
>tried to get back to the session but laughter stopped that too
>tim after an hour of this stands up punches a massive hole in the wall and fucks his hand up just as my dad was coming down to see what was happening
>tims now getting his ass reamed by my father, we're dying by hyperventilating laughing, and my wall is now busted and covered in blood
Tim never joined our get togethers or even talked to us after that and i'm genuinely shocked he didn't shoot up the school.
Jumping into a barrel of gunpowder while on fire.
Didn't happen to me but one of my team-mates.
>Traversing a tower
>Fighting generic skeleton enemies
>Our Dragonborn gets insta-killed by the skeleton rolling 3 20's
>DM wouldn't fudge the rolls
>DM wouldn't allow us to have the skeleton join our party
To this day, I still wish we had been able to convince the DM to have us take the skeleton and his superior crit abilities with us.
>Making our way through the dungeon
>Bard gets dosed in the face with magic sleeping gas
>It's going to take some time to wake him up but we need to get the Monkey Idol at the end of the hallway quickly before we die of a curse.
>So we just leave him in the hallway and run for the Monkey.
>We grab the Monkey but it collapses the wall behind it and sets off a rolling boulder towards us.
>We all panic and book it all the way down the corridor as fast as we can with the rock just moments behind us.
>We all stop and catch our breath. Just happy to be alive.
>"Hey, did any of us grab the bard before the boulder rolled down the whole hallway?"
>Shit
>>46153322
Checked and kek'd.
Monk character runs up on a dragon that emanates radiation and is wailing the bloody hell on him and not taking much damage from the radiation. Dragon smacks the Monk character in the air. Monk crashes into the ground, manages to survive falling and rushes back into the fray, slapping and hammering the beast and the dragon does it again. At the same moment, the dragon decides to go meltdown and snuffs off my character who was standing right infront of him(didn't do too much damage). The monk dies from the falling this time as soon as my character's ashes blow away. The other two in the group managed to kill the dragon off.
>>46153445
I laughed. Nicely done
>>46154887
Not my character, but.
>Castle attacked by blue dragon
>Low level, very little ranged capabilities
>Monk decides to take action
>Climbs on large ballista, launches herself at dragon
>Lands on dragon, wrestles it midair
>Dragon ends up flying off, called back, unable to shake off persistent bugger
And we never saw her again.
>>46153168
I have this one player who has a tendency to die a lot in amusingly avoidable ways. These are the times he's permanently died:
>City is under siege from skeleton army wielding trebuchets and siege towers
>After a long series of battles, PCs fall back and find a relatively safe place to rest
>This player passes on taking a short rest and decides to run back into battle alone with 4HP
>A wall collapses on him
>New character gets swallowed by a gelatinous cube
>I explain the rules for escaping from the cube and for pulling allies out of the cube
>Nobody wants to "waste" an action getting him out of the cube
>The engulfed player decides instead to cast Shatter, centered on himself
>The following turn he's digested and dies from massive damage
>Makes another new character, a ranger
>Specifically asks me in private to be a bounty hunter tasked with bringing in one of the other PCs, a monk
>I really thought he was going to trick him to voluntarily going with him someplace, especially since he was specifically asked to bring him back alive. You know, like an adventure hook
>Nope, attacks him as soon as they're alone together
>The monk stuns him for most of the fight
>When the ranger isn't stunned, he wastes his turn casting Cure Wounds on himself
>Monk eventually kills him and explains his bullshit to the rest of the party
>Usually I'd be against that kind of PvP violence, but here I thought it was perfectly justified
>>46153322
I really have to know: what ruleset were you using? Because how to run a Ravnica game is a recurring /tg/ question.
>System is DSA (german, Drakensang is based on that)
>party consists of:
>Alchemist (m), rogue (f), paladin (m) and two mages:
>They visited the twin academies of the captial city
>one focusing in attack magic and combat (m)
>one in defensive magic, healing and support (f)
>Orks are preparing for a siege
>We previously befriended a resistance leader, an amazon
>followship of around a hundred men and women - enough to hold them off
>can't manage to persuade her to stay, so we make a plan:
>The alchemist brews up a love potion
>the mage is supposed to "poison" her and have her fall in love with him
>We joke about him swapping the goblets, GM lets him roll on Int
>"I failed. Critically."
>"Wait, what?"
>A few moments of silence around the table, then the GM starts
>he suddenly thinks she's the most beautiful woman in the world yada yada
>He asks if his character figures out the thing about the goblets after that
>GM has him roll Int again, he fails again
>She rejects him pretty violently
>The next day, the group decides to try again.
>The amazon doesn't want to see the mage
>the rest of us invite her to talk about the siege during dinner
>the potion makes her fall for the first one she looks at
>The alchemist sits directly in front of her, is supposed to do the talking
>Of course, she randomly looks at the female mage at the wrong moment.
>She min maxed into Int, skilled a lot of knowledge talents.
>Played as small, clumsy, book-loving girl - turns out she is a better
>match for the amazon than the combat mage would have been.
>They sleep in the same bed from then on
>she flusterdly refuses to tell the party what exactly was going on behind closed doors
cont
> Pathfinder, very big party of noobs with a noob GM
> monk, paladin, bard, druid, fighter, rogue, alchemist, and gunslinger
> all level 1
> sent on a mission to investigate an abandoned temple
> don't even make it inside before running into a very large and very angry bear
> bear is loosely covered with torn remnants of a priest's robes
> thisbearisobviouslyacursedpriest.jpg
> party is torn over what to do
> paladin wants to try to remove the curse
> bard, gunslinger, and alchemist want to nope the fuck out
> monk wants to fight but only if we all go in
> fighter goes all-in
> druid doesn't want to leave the fighter by himself
> paladin: "I'll have no part of this, we must inquire about a method to remove the curse from this afflicted priest"
> promptly tears off on horseback
> GM kindly reminds us that bad things will likely happen if party splits up
> Gunslinger is a coward, he flees as well
> alchemist, bard, monk, and rogue want to go get help
> fighter and druid vs bear
> cue mortal kombat theme
cont'd
>>46155745
>The plan succeeds, but the combat mage is heartbroken and confronts def mage.
>They argue for a bit, then he attacks her
>She uses magic to defend herself, since he is physically stronger
>He also starts casting, goes all out
>pours all of his mana into his signature spell
>a huge, slow moving fireball, long cast time, big AOE, high damage
>She saw it a number of times and immediately disables the spells telekinetic aspect.
>Blows up in his face
>Literally
>the huge fucking thing doesn't move away from him and explodes at point blank
>Damage rolls are pretty high, but it doesn't kill him instantly.
>Instead, he catches fire, she tries conjouring up some water
>elemantal magic is not her forte, she fails
>twice
>he burns to death before her eyes
That turned dark pretty quickly.
>>46155750
> druid charges bear and attempts to leap on its back
> success
> druid plants her dagger in the bear's eye
> bear is pissed
> fighter closes in and swings
> miss
> bear attempts to buck the druid of its back
> success
> druid flies through the air and slams into a tree
> druid dazed
> fighter, realizing he made a terrible mistake, runs into the temple
> bear moves over to druid and one-shots her
> inside temple, the fighter sees two hallways
> picks one and runs
> dead end hallway strewn with bodies of slaughtered priest's
> light bulb
> fighter quickly strips down, removes the tattered robes of a slain priest, puts it on, and lays down amongst the bodies
> "I hope this works"
> bear enters temple, sniffs around, saunters up to the fighter, and caves in his skull with one swipe
Aftermath
The rest of the party returns with a healer that specializes in lifting curses. Immediately he tells us that lifting the curse from this bearpriest is impossible, and the humane thing would be to slay him and cleanse the temple. We go to rounds, he gets in a good attack on the paladin, and goes down in one round.
>>46153168
It's not so much the in-game death as it is the real life scenario
>Player is running late, will be coming about an hour in. Start game anyway cause we're running on a schedule
>When players don't show up to sessions in my game I just make their character mysteriously vanish until they come back. It just makes my job easier than making in game reasons
>Party gets into a pretty brutal fight without her but seems to be able to pull through
>Battle is winding down, late player finally shows up
>"Oh hey, you're just in time to finish off this battle." She deploys her character on the map and runs up to the last remaining enemy which is a Death Slaad
>Death Slaad does its attacks, rolls and I shit you not, 3 natural 20s. Takes missing player down from full health to instant death in one turn.
>Player without a word just stands up and walks out the room
We all had a good laugh about it later.
>>46153168
Suicide ofmybadly designed homebrew character after repeated harassment by the other PCs.
You had to be there.
Dunno if it's the funniest, but my favorite TPK was when the party vastly underestimated the destructive force of an entire building packed full of explosives.
Sure, they got the dragon. They also got themselves, and a good half of the city.
>>46158536
there has never been a more appropriate time to use this image
My character was killed by a rust monster, without even being in the same room.
>The party is on a ship
>There's a cage below deck with a rust monster in it
>I know that thing's gonna get out, don't want to lose my +1 Full Plate, so I take it off and lock it in my cabin
>Later I'm on deck, we're attacked by dickbag aquatic elves, rest of the party is below deck
>They make short work of me with my 11 AC
One of the players in a gurps game was trying to fish something out of a river. Long enough ago that I forget exactly what it was, but he rolled a critfail. This is GURPS, so the odds of rolling a 3 or a 4 for a critfail is about 1.5%. He falls in the river. He tries to swim out. Critfail. We try to offer him a branch to pull himself out. A critfail. He tries to avoid rocks in the river as it carries him off. Critfail.
Over almost fifteen rolls of absurd mathematical improbability, his character drowned to death. Forget one in a million. I think his luck was actually one in a trillion. We were all astounded at his cursed fucking dice.
>>46153168
My character really really liked dragons. The dwarf in our party killed a dragon My character then proceeded to punch the dwarf so hard in the face I killed her. No one in the party really cared. They kinda wanted to kill me because of my dragon love but not the fact I player killed
>>46153168
Ranger tried to cut a fireball in half
>>46159883
D-did it work?
>>46159416
haha.
I'd forgotten that d&d's armor system is so fucking stupid.
>>46155750
>>46155754
Love Potions: not even once.
Party is sleeping on a ship while travelling to not Arabia.
My character has commandeered the captains quarters.
Roll perception, Fail.
"The next morning all of you wake up feeling fresh and ready to live life to the fullest. except the elf, who is dead."
Proceed to murder mistery where we cut off the cabin boys hand, threaten the captain, sink the ship and fly off into the sunset on a winged snake.
>>46153168
In Only War we had the Sentinel Pilot (with all of his xp spent on BS and pilot skills btw) decide that he wanted to jump out of his Sentinel onto an enemy tank, in the middle of the enemy line, mid battle.
He jumps out of the thing WITNESS ME style, and I make him do a couple of rolls to land on the back without falling off/getting crushed, climb over the engine block at the back, and onto the turret.
He then proceeds to pull out his Las-Cutter, and start burning through the turret hatch.
At this point the two squads of Infantry on the Cargo-10 next in line spot the lunatic sat on top of the tank, sprays of sparks and molten fragments of metal flying off the hatch where he's burning through it.
The player actually complained when he got alpha-strike'd by two squads of infantry and reduced to a stain on the turret. Everyone else laughed their asses off
>>46155745
>>46155754
You see, /tg/? She was right all along.
Nothing good comes from toying with forbidden love.
>>46155825
>> bear enters temple, sniffs around, saunters up to the fighter, and caves in his skull with one swipe
Oh, that's bogus. Bears don't do that shit in the wild, I'm pretty sure. The fighter should have gotten away with it with a successful deception check or whatever the 3.x equivalent is.
>>46160907
You're probably right, but I can't say for sure because
1. Noob GM made plenty of mistakes, this may just be another one
2. I think the point may have been to punish the fighter's Scooby-Doo antics because the party split up
3. The bear wasn't a real bear
>>46160907
A grizzly bear probably would.
>>46153168
We were playing a D&D campaign where our characters were essentially planar police, going around to various demiplanes and solving cases. We get an assignment to go to a plane that is a gigantic, living creature that has been infected with some sort of parasite, and we're told that this creature is the last of its kind and thus has to be protected.
So we get teleported into the plane, and most of the party is thinking about how to track down the parasite and how to destroy it. But not J. Oh no, J had other, stupider ideas. See, J is someone who just loves doing stupid shit in RPGs. So while we're discussing our plan of action, he swims over to one of the many veins around us and drives a nail into it with a hammer. The body's immune system responded, and massive white blood cells dragged him away.
When we asked him why he would do such a stupid fucking thing, he told us that he had just remembered that he had bought a hammer and nails for his character near the beginning of the campaign, and wanted to use them on something.
Naturally, not one of us helped him.
I can't remember the exact details but in the first two games of a campaign I was in, there were a lot of deaths by fire, including two out of three player characters
>>46153419
Kek'd hard
>>46153168
>>46153168
There was a story that floated around here for a bit of a character who literally died from a constipation curse.
>>46153168
I've never seen or experienced a character death.
I tripped on my sword and died
Playing DnD with a bunch of homebrew spells/curses back in the day and I got a "Curse of Overwhelming Confidence" where my character (none-to-bright barbarian) became totally certain he could do whatever it was he set his mind to. Died of a punctured stomach when he tried to eat a dragon the party had (barely) managed to off.
>>46153168
>Buddy's first day with NE drow assassin
>Introduced, goes straight to some Halfling's shop
>Fails to haggle for cheaper items
>Decides to kill the shopkeeper because obviously
>Draws and attempts to use some kind of magical instant kill bug (Scarab of Death?)
>First actual roll of new character
>Critically fails attack roll
>Shopkeep critically succeeds reflex save
>Bats device back at dark elf, who is denied a save because of the critical failures
>Buddy ain't even mad; recognizes karma when he sees it. Rolls new character
>Drow's body disappears with loot
>Legend of the Pint-Sized Slasher is born
>playing our first 5e campaign
>there's an attack happening on the city we happen to be in
>the party tries desperately to defend a section of the wall, ends up beating back the attackers
>other sections aren't as lucky, the invaders are raiding the town
>we all cheese it to a secret passageway
>as we're running away, two of the characters remember this old lady that made potions for the party
>they decide that before we go, they should drop in and steal some potions for the party
>so the pirate and the halfling bard burst into the old lady's house...
>...and the halfling is instantly dropped to 0 HP as the old lady starts chucking bottles of alchemist's fire at them
>cue the pirate dragging the halfling out of the building, yelling desperately that he was sorry
>all the while the old lady is chasing them out of her house, throwing bottle after bottle of alchemical fire
The halfling may not have died, but he came real fucking close
I have legitimately suicided on every mage the awakening character I have ever played. The most first time I was a matter mage, and we were after some vampires holed up in a big ol building, I jury rigged the building's main support to be explosive. I didn't retreat far enough and blew myself up. The mage I re rolled was a life mage, I tried to turn someone's heart into a bunch of crickets, got four ones and no successes, turned my own heart into crickets. The third time I was a space mage, I opened a portal to the center of the earth in order to spray my enemy, a werewolf, with lava, got a dramatic failure, sprayed myself with lava. The time after that and most recent time I tried to turn a werewolf to stone as a matter mage, got two dramatic failures. Turned myself to stone.
>>46165447
>most first
I meant first.
>>46153168
>be DM
>forced to accept the semi-autistic little brother of one of my regulars because the shit is his responsibility for a weekend
>kid makes an elf ranger (WOW WHO WOULD HAVE FUCKING GUESSED) but for some god-awful reason doesn't invest skill points into using a bow despite carrying ONLY a bow
>ten minutes into campaign he's rolled solely critical misses repeatedly to the point where he's killed every single person in the party on the way to the Temple out in the wilderness to resurrect the first person he killed
>party leader had such a high reputation among a dragon cult that he achieves apotheosis on death and becomes an immortal Chinese dragon
>kills said elf ranger with his fire breath as he ascends into the heavens
>>46153556
10/10 got me to praise the sun
This happened recently
>Goblinoid army attacking city with siege engine tower things pushed by ogres
>Take down the ogre guards and get inside the tower to avoid archers
>Riding a bear that I pulled out of a sack, climbed up the tower to find drums of some dragonfire type stuff
>Create Bonfire
>The blast vaporized my bear and left me unconscious at the tower base
>Die while my partymates keep getting knocked unconscious from falling napalm
20 WIS folks
>playing nWoD
>one player's a Vampire, the other's a Werewolf
>climb down into a spooky facility and fight a giant zombie thing
>during the fight, the Vampire falls into a Frenzy and, after the two players defeat the giant zombie thing, turns on the Werewolf player who decides to run away
>Vampire exits frenzy with 1 vitae, and decides to fill up on the zombie thing
>the dead zombie thing
>Werewolf comes back an hour later and finds the vampire torpid with the zombie's blood caked around his mouth
>instead of trying to revive him, he picks him up and ties a rope around the vampire to try and pull him up out of the facility
>dramatic failure
>drops the vampire on his head, dealing enough falling damage to cause Final Death
>>46153556
10/10 well done, would suffer PTSD with.
>First day rogue joins the party
>Crazy shopkeeper claims to have Alchemists Fire in his blood and mauls in his daggers.
>Rogue thinks "Fuck it, Imma steal those daggers
>sneaks in by himself after hours
>attempts to go for pouch kept on shopkeeper.
>crit fail
>Slices shopkeep's skin instead of strap holding daggers
>Alchemist's fire pours out
>Rogue is now on fire.
>No one to help him
>roll to put out fire
>crit fail
>the building is on fire now
>We're laughing, the shopkeep laughs
>Now the rogue is dying
>crit fails first saving throw
>rolls a 2 for final save
This was literally the first session this guy played with us omg.
>>46153168
A paladin I was in a party with offered to stand guard over a pair of half-elf sisters in a traveling carriage we'd camped out with for the night after they woke up screaming from a snake. They turn out to be Dopplegangers, knock him out, strip him naked, tie him to a chair, a slowly stab him to death with short swords. He continually fumbles his escape rolls and dies an ignoble death we continually heckle him about.
What makes it even better is in addition to him failing all his escape rolls, my gnome druid (who was traveling back to bed after spending time wildshaped as a cobra in a spice barrel to try and kill a dude) passed close enough to hear his muffled cries but completely botched his Perception check.
>>46153168
Dex magus played by a muchkin piece of shit charges in and 1 shots 1 of 4 armor knight construct things.
The next three turns the remaining 2 crit him and the last coup'de graces him.
>>46160907
Bears have very keen senses of smell, anon.
Unless the fighter masked his scent there's no way in hell that would work.
Not quite death, but character retirement.
>Party hedge wizard, having died, earlier, makes a pact with a demon to receive more time among the living.
>Deal he makes is eternal vassalage to said demon, a lowly bureaucratic imp, who sewed his head back on, and lives in wizard's noggin.
>Good a vassal as any demon could hope, wizard starts making demon deals.
>Rest of the party gleefully trades bits and pieces of their souls away in the form of valued possessions, temporary pain, and less then vital body parts.
>Further down the road, one party member, a barbaric cat-folk sorcerer, trades his long term memory (after several failed attempts to cheat said demon on these deals) in exchange for quick and easy knowledge of a few spells.
>During dream state the body recodes important short term memory as long term memory.
>Wake up every morning with amnesia.
>Player uses this as an excuse to loudly and obnoxiously ask what every minor thing is every few minutes.
>Party hands him a broom and leaves him at the Mage's College to forever sweep floors.
>Next time party visits several months later they find him, still sweeping floors, but with much less clothing and possessions.
We had a that guy-esque wizard try and take on a dragon eel by himself and a dolphin, while the rest of the party waited above water.
He finally knocked himself out by casting lightning bolt at it and hitting himself too, which caused his water breathing magic to dissipate so he drownedThe party assassin then blew it's brains out by ramming a gem designed to magically amplify heat exponentially into it's damaged eye socket. The heat took half of his own arm with it, and he had to taunt it so it rammed him and him alone so the rest of us were safe
I caused a TPK on the last session of a tabletop campaign. With what would have been the last attack of the entire campaign. On accident. It was great.
The tyranids are here. A crawling carpet of chitin, claws, and bioweaponry chased us back to our shuttle. Our superior, Inquisitor "Kanak" Wulfe, was waiting on it, laying down fire with his storm bolter and telling us to hurry the fuck up. We were evacuating quite a party from a hivespire, which included- it's been at least six years-
>Jagahtai Constantine, nobleborn Guardsman of impeccable breeding and swordsmanship.
>Marcus(I think? Six. Years.) Hiveborn Cleric and providing impeccable covering fire with an armageddon-pattern autogun.
>2x guardsmen npcs Gabe, and Phillipe- the former of whom had been with us the entire campaign; nominally under Jaghatai's command
>2x cultist prisoners
>5-6 x stormtrooper bodyguards who had been serving the late magos we'd just executed. (He'd turned out to be the other kind of magos, the kind that involves genestealer cults and summoning hive fleets)
>1x medicae specialist, interrogator to our Inquisitor
>our inquisitor
In the final flight to the evac shuttle, Jaghatai had been clipped by a fleshborer round. For those of you who don't know, the default tyranid 'infantry' weapon shoots flesh-eating beetles. If they hit you, ow. If they hit you and dig in, OW. Jaghatai had been feeling one gnawing its way towards his nervous system as fast as it could, and was quite relieved to be tranqued by the medicae specialist and have her set to removing it.
>>46171446
High as a kite on painkillers and whatever else made it feasible to open up his shoulder and remove an aggressive flesh-eating beetle from it, he watched as the ten or eleven other people made it aboard the shuttle, the shuttle started to take off (with the living carpet now close enough for us to pick out individual fangs and claws) and we kept firing both out of terror at what they might do if they managed to get too close to our too-slowly-leaving shuttle, and because what else are we going to do, twiddle our thumbs?
We made it. We're airborne. The ramp is swinging closed behind us. They can't get at us now. Everything. Is. Gonna. Be. Alright.
Jaghatai seizes the opportunity to make the last attack of the campaign. While drugged and being surgery'd, he'd taken his grenade launcher (loaded with a mix of krak and frag grenades) and handed it to Phillipe and told him, "This grenade launcher belonged to my father. Take it, and use it well."
Phillipe had, quite reasonably, responded with "You're so full of shit.". Still, he accepted it and made a cursory attack against the encroaching horde with it before switching back to his trusty lasgun. (or whatever he had by this point.)
So Jaghatai, still drugged and lying on the shuttle floor, decides he's going to make the last attack of the battle, the game, nay, the *campaign*. He's only got one hand at this point, the other being thoroughly numbed and bandaged. So he pops open that grenade launcher, unloads the last frag grenade, and prepares to throw it.
And gets a 96.
In Dark Hersey, 96+ is a "Jam", but a thrown grenade can hardly jam.
We proceed to the grenade mishaps table.
Roll 1d10....BOOM.
>>46171468
It goes off in his hand the moment he pulls the pin, or arms it, or whatever. 2d10 to the face of an already injured trooper.
And everyone else in the shuttle's bay.
Does anyone survive?
Marcus does not.
Neither Gabe nor Phillipe survive.
None of the stormtroopers/bodyguards survive.
The medicae tending to him gets fragged.
The inquisitor in terminator armor receives DOUBLE TENS for his troubles, which confirm righteous fury, receives ANOTHER TWO TENS IN SUCCESSION, and gets instagibbed through his terminator armor.
The cultist prisoners never had a chance.Jaghatai Constantine rolls low damage against himself and survives with the slightest scratch.
In very short order, a shuttle full of one drugged, traumatized guardsman and an industrial-sized serving of chunky salsa is returned to the orbiting Black Ship. Where, though he technically survived, our brave trooper would probably have faced some very pointed and not altogether nice questions about his participation in the death of an inquisitor and the destruction of one of the God-Emperor's suits of terminator armor.So, of course, I used my remaining fatepoint to reroll that attack roll and do literally anything but murder everyone on accident at the very end of everything. But sometimes, sometimes I grow misty-eyed and wish I hadn't.
>>46153168
choked on a bag of crisps.
I've been playing and DMing about 3 years now, and only one character has ever died. Although his death was getting punched into a lava pit and wasn't very funny, what weakened him enough to let that happen.
>In the temple of the death goddess
>Rescue one of the priestesses
>She tells the party to duck as they move through the hallway, as there is a tripwire
>The player stands up right under the tripwire since he thought there were two and he was in between
>What he saw that made him think that were the nozzles of the flamethrowers
>A net falls on him from above and he gets torched
Bottom middle on this map. I even drew the tripwire, he completely missed it
>playing 3.5 homebrew evil campaign
>yes, it's exactly as edgy as it sounds
>characters include but are not limited to an LE paladin that eats people's balls, his two halfling cleric servants, an edgy tiefling sorc, an out of place bard, and That Guy
>That Guy is playing a half-blue-dragon werebear ninja donut steel
>He had this thing about grappling things, specifically biting them, every goddamn combat round its I ROLL TO GRAPPLE
>ignoring the grorious masterwork katana and its 1d12 dmg he insisted on carrying
>anyways
>fighting a rust monster in some temple, of course he has to bite it on its ass
>bard, being less experienced than most, rolls for Dimension Door, nat 20s
>DM says he basically can have free reign on where the other portal pops up (yes, I know this isn't how DD works, but idc)
>bard declares that the rust monster appears in the middle of the main city, so it can be slaughtered by the guards there
>it is done
>"Hey wait, the ninja was grappling it, does that mean he went too?"
>beat
>sudden hysterical laughter
>DM informs That Guy that he now has guards asking him why he tele'd a monster into the square
>"IT WASN'T ME, THE BARD DID IT"
>goes directly to jail, does not pass go
cont.
pic extremely related, one of the other players immortalized the event
>>46172498
fuck, forgot that they're sideways, shitty phone cameras. also apparently the beetle thing was on fire too
>anyways
>That Guy is now in jail, has no game presence for the rest of the day
>TG gets pissy, buries his nose in WoW
>which he was doing before, but now he's deliberately being obnoxious
>eventually ditches the game, goes off to do something else
>next encounter involves a sphinx that's hilariously high power compared to us
>we whittle it down, it gets a pillar dropped on its ass but continues to fight on
>the bard does what he does best, rolls dimension door
>a player in the background requests that the bard drop the sphinx directly on That Guy
>DM declares that that's hilariously out of range, but if bard gets a nat20 on casting that's what will happen
>nat 20s, of course
>cut to the dungeons
>DM describes pic related
>half-dragon is caught unawares, ripped to shreds
>ripped into such small shreds that not even a tiny scale remained intact
>andtherewasmuchrejoicing.gif
>>46169178
No shit bears have very keen senses of smell, but why would a bear, having successfully scared off a potential threat, go lumbering after it again like a dumbass? That's not bear thinking, that's human thinking.
>we needed to get down a mountain
>we had skis, for some reason
>we went skiing
>there were inconvenient trees
>also, snowballs. As in, what happens when you trip while going fifty miles an hour down a snowy slope
Barbarian fell off a rotating pillar in a dungeon into a giant room filled with water. Didn't worry, could take anything in the water below.
Was not water. Was giant gelatinous cube they build the dungeon around.
Mine is probably the time our Idolatrix Magos achieved escape velocity.
>due to convoluted series of events, IM decides my character needs more corruption points, so full pushes Levitate on a huge bit of wrecked ship.
>our GM had already said he'd be getting Phenomena, with Perils for failure and double Perils for crit-fail.
>IM rolls a 96. Double Perils time.
>Phenomena: Poltergeist. Everyone gets thrown around a bit.
>first Perils: Psychic Blast. IM gets thrown 1d10 metres into the air.
>second Perils: Psychic Mirror. He has effectively just cast full push Levitate on himself.
>he took off like a fucking rocket.
>>46153168
Well, I was in a game once where another player was really pissing me off for a couple of sessions. In his defense, he was 16, and the rest of all were all in our 20s, so we tried to be somewhat forgiving, but the guy was still really annoying.
So we were in the midst of a battle with a huge horde of zombies. I was a wizard, and I threw up a wall of ice to surround the party, and the zombies spent the round pounding on it. Then I dropped it and the players attacked. So when it was my turn again, I put the wall up a second time. I knew that nobody in the group, least of all the 16 year old, understood the rules very well, so I said that I didn't have enough range to enclose the kid because he had moved, even though he had moved into a space I had protected the previous turn.
I told him I was sorry and left him out there where he was eaten by zombies.
>first "serious" fight against a Phantom knight
>the parties' self proclaimed elven "samurai" does the first attack
>"i run towards him , and during my attack , i dodge to the right to slice his left side open"
>fluffed up two-handed saber as the only weapon , wearing hardened leather armor
>attemtps a cut at solid plate
>no damage
>failed hard to dodge the counter-attack, resulting in a crit
>the d30 rolls a 27 on the hit table
>groin shot
>wound penalty: highly reduced DEX
>takes heavy bleeding damage
>Phantom knight's turn
>another crit
>right leg cut off
>the samurai bleeds to death with his nuts annihilated
>"Okay , you can now scream out your agony into the world for one last time" because i am somewhat of an ass
>at least he gets the "dying elephant" sound right
>>46179096
>d30
What system were you using?
>>46179137
homebrew , we actually use mostly d10 , the d30 is only for hit location
The tale of the Barbarian Astronaut:
>A friend of mine plays a Barbarian
>He makes his character have a Berserk Rage ability that lets him kill most stuff in one hit
>That ability requires him to take damage to sustain, otherwise it cools down and cannot be used in a long time
>He got creative and bought a fish bowl that he used as some kind of helmet every time he wanted to use the Berserk Rage
>The bowl was full of water and when he used it after some turns he started getting drowning damage, thus further fueling his Berserk Rage
>Plus he has a feat that makes him become inmune to spells while drowning, the book obviously says that to mean underwater but it isn't completely clear
>Thus the Fish Bowl Berserk was born
>He was so completely murderhobo that at the end he had several more levels than the rest of the party and was kind of a bummer
>As we reach the lair of the BBEG Dragon and see his stash of gold and jewels the Barbarian places his Fishbowl helmet and proceeds to activate his berserk rage
>The GM mischievously smiles and explains that the dragon starts to fly and attack them with fire balls, the Barbarian does an acrobatic dice roll and aces it, getting on top of the dragon and starting to chop it
>The fight goes on for a while and each turn the Barbarian does huge damage to the Dragon
>After a while the Dragon nopes the fuck out of that place and tries to destroy their surroundings before flying away into space
>The rest of the party manage to run away and afterwards get huge cash
>The Barbarian cannot jump from the Dragon, his Berserk Rage forces him to attack a close enemy and the dragon is still considered enemy
>At the end the Dragon flies to the moon for whatever reason and the Barbarian becomes an astronaut of some sort, he obviously dies either from drowning to cold or lack of pressure, we didn't care about that.
>The Barbarian player got super pissed but the rest guffawed.
