>Party is a bunch of dudes travelling through a forest. They are all pretty new to DnD.
>They stumble upon a inn and there's a young woman standing in fron of it
>I start describing her, when one of the guy's asks: "How big are her breasts?"
>Another dude yells out "Rolling dice on girl's bust size."
>Rolls a natural 20
>Everybody starts losing their shit, then another guy asks "How about her ass?"
>Dude rolls again
>Rolls another 20.
And then they spend the rest of the session trying to swoon her.
What about you guys? W
Ugh, I can't believe you'd do something so misogynistic, you shitlord.
You and your group are everything wrong with gaming. I'm literally shaking right now.
>>47853028
>Completely incapable of enforcing rules.
How's it feel to be your group's bitch, OP?
>>47853054
>I'm literally shaking right now
No, that's just the earthquake from the continental drift your fat folds are doing.
>>47853028
Turns out lady is the BBEG/'s wife going on intel gathering on the latest murderhobo group his opposition hired.
>>47853028
>>Party is a bunch of dudes travelling through a forest. They are all pretty new to DnD.
If you're letting players roll for random girls' bust and ass sizes, you're no longer playing D&D. In fact, I'm not sure what you're playing, but it's starting to vaguely resemble FATAL.
>>47853066
It was my first session as DM and the group was new to it, so I allowed to for shits and giggles.
>playing DnD with my group
>roll nat 20
>"nat 20 as I live and breathe"
>everyone starts chanting
>gm hides behind his gm screen and starts sobbing
>entire campaing falls appart, we spend entire session disscusing possible outcomes of me rolling nat 20
>>47853081
Since when does /tg/ hate fun so much
>>47853109
Not him, but op was indeed wrong there.
He just stated that breaking every rule of the game a not playing is torrelable, there is no way that his group will ever manage to complete a single serious campain
>>47853130
Not only that, it was the first session too. They're just going to expect that kind of thing from now on. They'll be rolling for anal circumference before anyone realizes when they went wrong.
>>47853094
Reminds me of this
>>47853130
>>47853221
>>47853081
I'm sorry. We've had two sessions since then and they've been focusing on actually playing rather than doing idiotic bullshit. As I said, it was because they were new to it and didn't know what to expect/do.
>>47853241
>it was because they were new to it and didn't know what to expect/do.
I think you misunderstood my comment if you interpreted it as the PLAYERS doing something wrong.
>Fun things that happened to your group
>Bunch of clowns bashing OP
I thought we liked fun.
>>47853296
Let me blow your mind.We are having fun right now.
>>47853028
They had fun and that matters. I suppose the way they had fun didn't make them good roleplayers and might give them some bad habits you'll need to break, but they had fun.
Just make sure people don't goof off all the time and you'll be golden.
I had a beautiful moment myself. The campaign had almost just begun. It was the first adventure for the group. It was our first time playing 13th age.
>Playing a way too peppy and outgoing monk a degree or two from being manic.
>We were hunting a small band of orc raiders.
>They'd just murderfucked their way past garrisons and a village.
>We camped in the area and our barbarian was going to track them down.
>Well, we needed a good breakfast first.
>I roll to cook some good food.
>It was a Natural 1.
>I burn it horribly.
>We didn't think of it for a while as people were amused by the extent of my failure.
>Somebody else makes food and some disrespect happens.
>The joke is on them. We get jumped by some orcs, who saw the smoke from my accident.
>I go with "Well, we WERE looking for them."
>We all had a good laugh with that.
>They still won't let me cook.
>Even when I remind them that it helped.
>Gimme_a_break.jpg
The campaign has been running for months since that happened. I kinda want to roll a few Nat 1's in circumstances that'll be beneficial like that again for the humour, but I'll just have to be lucky.
>>47853379
>Not either gaining the favor of entities to help you more in control, getting weighted dice, learning how to roll what you want
Ha ha faggot
>>47853379
>a way too peppy and outgoing monk
He was green and made frog faces everytime something happened?
>>47853028
>rolls in secret to see how many hours the alter self spell still lasts on the woman
>no one will ever find out that it's just a sorcerer fucking with the party
>the woman disappears forever
>>47853028
>Trying to break into a bandit stronghold
>Place doesn't even have a gate, it's just a solid wall of wooden stakes
>we have a general idea of where their storehouse is, somehow (it's been a while, I don't remember)
>decide to tunnel under the wall and into the building
>they detect our first tunnel and drop a boulder on it
>That's fine, the second tunnel makes it through
>send the orc out to be a distraction. We don't really have a plan but it looks like he's got something in mind so whatever
>orc walks out into the middle of the camp and strips down to nothing but his gold embroidered leather pants
>everyone's staring
>He strikes a pose
>More posing
>silence from the bandits
>Bandit chief walks out of her tent. She's a Rakasha and wearing a vest that looks to be of the same set ad the orc's trousers
>She stares for a second
>sweating.jpg
>POSE!
>it's working
>it's fucking working
>the two of them are having a pose off in the middle of the camp
>the crowd is going wild
>Orc is making the best rolls of his fucking life, striking poses that would make Jojo look twice
>Cheif is keeping pace, but it's clear she can't keep it up much longer
>bandits are absolutely losing it
>the chief is forced to concede to her better.
>she turns over the vest to the orc as his rightful prize
>the bandits are losing their minds
>one of the walls is lowered to allow the orc to leave
>he just moonwalks out
>meanwhile we've stashed away their entire foodstore minus several barrels of beans (which we knew they had been eating for months before recently restocking) and one turnip
>later, as we're sneaking away we hear a massive commotion from the camp
>an hour later we see a man stalking through the forest, hiding a turnip beneath his close like it's the fucking One Ring.
That was a fun game.
>>47855629
That is the wrong picture. Woops.
>>47855277
>that image
>I know the nsfw version
> playing with a nerdy girl new to D&D
> she's meticulously documenting everything onto her character sheet.
> peek at it to get some stat
> one of her notes simply read: "We beat the crap out of them."
>>47855731it's a dude isn't it?
>>47858293
>have a sticky note ready to pass to the DM
>it reads "we beat the crap out of them"
Could be pretty useful in the right game
>>47858319
Google says it's a girl. Therefore it's a dude
>>47853066
If somethings funny I allow it, rule of cool baby
>>47855731
Source?
>>47853028
And now for a tale of shitty DM-ery and an iota of fun.
>small game with only myself, the DM, and one other player
>I play a "paladin", other player is a warlock
Now, I have to explain paladins in this setting. First point being, they aren't paladins. They are demigods. The retarded DM decided that he wanted them to be these super rare heroes of legend, who instead of drawing upon the power of their god, drew it from inside themselves. They were overpowered pieces of shit, not bound by morality, and were rich as fuck. Kings looked up to these fuckers. I did not know that going in.
>start off in this random town bordering the Tiefling home-country during a festival
>walk into bar
>people look up from their drinks to see a 7-foot tall man in heavy armor walk over to the bar
>due to amazing CON rolls, manage to down ~10 mugs of this extremely alcoholic beverage with a name that has a lot of apostrophes
>other player walks in, briefly talks to me, then almost immediately shanks some noble
>thiswillnotstand.jpg
>chase after him as he tries to escape
>he makes it to his horse
This is where I find out how stupid powerful I was
>KEEP UP WITH HORSE
>CAPTAIN AMERICA THE THING IN THE LEGS WITH MY SHIELD
>warlock manages to hit the ground running
>makes it to town, angry superhuman in hot pursuit
Playing a Cape in a fantasy setting is fun, but in the worst way. Same paladin would later (IN THE SAME SESSION) slay a demon that was supposed to be the BBEG, then decapitate the Queen of Elves in front of her terrified guards which sends her entire kingdom into civil war.
Fuck, man.
>>47859007
Look for Yuni on Deviantart
Warning:lots of yaoi and contortionism.
>>47853028
I can imagine the situation, they are pretty funny when they happen. There's some gaylords here who might disagree, but just ignore them. They hate everything that is not their fun.
>>47859013
Go on...
>>47853028
If you had fun, that's all that really matters, but that won't stop me from thinking that your game is shit and has a maturity level most appropriate for second graders. But again, it's okay if you had fun, even if it makes you a terrible role-player worthy of only contempt.
>>47855629
>>47853028
My group is incredibly silly, not helped by the drinking, but here goes.
>DM'ing for my group, d&d 5e
>party is returning from plundering a desert cave
>all of a sudden, the thri-kreen tribe that helped us get there pops out of the rocks
>chief demands a share of the treasures
>our warforged barbarian decides to walk up to him with one of our new magic items
>bag of devouring
>rolls for bluff, says "all the treasure's in here" then jams the bag over his head
>bag completely fails to devour him
>barb somehow manages to crit bluff check
>chief comes out angry, says he didn't see any treasure
>barb says "no, you have to look harder" and jams the bag on his head again
>devouring.jpg
>>47853071
>Replying to bait
>Replying to shitty bait
>Replying to shitty bait with a cringy middle school tier fat joke
>>47863933
Like you are doing?
Minor Curse of Strahd spoilers, we're near the end of the campaign. Sorry for not greentexting too.
Let me introduce the subject of the story, Big Boy T. Big Boy T was conceptualized as a support/out of combat half elf sorcerer, but he became an antagonist of the group pretty fast. Kept telling the cleric and paladin their gods weren't real out of combat, and spent most combats crying in the corner and casting magic missile. He was 2 levels below the rest of the party and could die at any time. He once ended up alone with our paladin, and the paladin died while he essentially cried and ran away.
At this point in the story, he had gotten a bit stronger, had a nice robe and ice staff, and things were going good.
Our party's sleeping after a bad fight when my warlock and our wizard and witch hunter hear something whispering to us, offering us power. We say fuck it and investigate, finding three sarcophagi we're compelled to touch. I hear
>I am Sykane the Soul Hungerer, and I will grant you the power to raise dead in exchange for-
I accept immediately, learn to cast raise dead three times, but the drawbacks are my eyes are yellow and a minor personality flaw. Hell yeah. The other two members also accept, our witch hunter now has a limp side of his face due to a stroke. We wait for the rest of our party to wake up, continue on, and run into three more sarcophagi. This time, Big Boy T touches one. He tells us that he will now be resurrected as a random race the next few times he dies, in exchange for all his teeth falling out. He then says
>You guys should just kill me so I get my teeth back- WAIT FUCK
>>47866863
Too late, most of us already have cause to hate him, and the sarcophagi are affecting our alignment, so we kill him and loot his corpse. Wizard takes the staff, we take some of his gold and kick his corpse, and he reappears as a stout halfling. Still without teeth. Turns out the resurrection won't fix that.
At this point we realize there might be more of these things, and our paladin casts Locate Object, revealing like 5 more sets of these fucking things. He leads us to the next set, and this time Big Boy T is granted the power of flight, and has nasty bone wings form out of his back. In return, he needs to eat a pound of bones every night or he'll die at dawn.
We're laughing at how how fucked up this character looks now, talking about the logistics of eating bones, when I realize something.
>How can he eat the bones when he doesn't have any teeth?
The witch hunter offers to help, and grinds up a skull we were carrying around with his alchemy kit. Big Boy T now has 3 lbs of bone dust.
Now he's flying above combat as we clear out these rooms to each group of sarcophagi, the witch hunter is collecting the bones, and we're all getting slightly more cursed. I can walk on walls and have an eye on my lip, the paladin has dark voids for eyes but is immune to mind reading, the witch hunter is afraid of fire but can cast cone of cold. Big Boy T gets cursed with “You permanently have a slight grin, and can only speak in whispers.”
So we're cleaning up the last combat and Big Boy T is flying there, toothlessly grinning and looking like a little skeletal gremlin, whispering to us as loud as he can
>Bones! Bring me their bones! I need to eat their bones!
And we all just lose it at this abomination. Our pansy half-elf sorcerer has turned into the most horrible version of the tooth fairy ever imagined.
>>47855629
Made my day
>>47853109
>my fun is the only fun that's allowed :^)
Remind me never to play with you
>>47853054
Pic related?
>>47853028
>Party of incompetent wannabe villians
>Invisibility spell
>Infinity bag
>Steals Blacksmiths Anvil behind him.
>Wait for him to realize and flip his shit.
>Que DM face.
Best times I've had gaming are usually had after someone flubs a roll.
>Playing VTM
>Ghoul character played by friend picks a fist fight at a party
>player rolls for shit
>character is literally named "Billy 2 blades" and brings a knife to a fist fight
>continues to roll absolute shit after attempting to murder npc with his knives
>pulls out a pistol above his ankle
>still loses the fight
We couldn't handle it at the table, imagining this absolute failure get his ass handed to him.
More recently
>Player rolls a Daeva in VTR, suave charismatic badass
>seduces two women on a balcony
>flubs the roll to grapple and bite one of them
>second woman is accidentally tossed off the balcony
My players are pretty much playing "The Nice Guys" but with vampires and I love them for it.
Our party was rolling through druid ruins that had been taken over by demon-summoning cultists. They would sacrifice civilians (and themselves) on pyres to summon/create their monstrosities.
A cultist throws himself on a fire, and our druid asks "Could I use Create or Destroy Water to put out the fire?" The DM is confused and the entire group looks up the spell. "Well, fuck it, sure."
It was determined that as quickly as it happened, the ritual couldn't take full effect and the cultist spent 12 rounds (we could not subsequently make successful attacks against him) crawling around, burned, blinded and deaf.
Our druid performed a happy little demon abortion.
>>47853379
>I suppose the way they had fun didn't make them good roleplayers
>every 5e thread
>"check out my variant human multiclass build"
Sure, /tg/. You care about roleplaying.
>>47867177
was this from the elemental evil book? We spent most of that campaign trying to put out the ritual fires, but didn't have anyone with water spells
>>47866880
thank you. thats the hardest i've laughed in a while.
>>47866880
>>47867909
PHB page 229
It's a first level that produces 10 gallons/level or 30 foot cube of rain (+5/level beyond 1st).
>>47853094
>and that GM was ALBERT EINSTEIN
>>47866880
This is the best story I've read in years
>>47853028
Within the first 3 sessions of my first time playing an RPG I seduced another player's PC, and they just rolled with it for "the lols" he played a female paladin who was totally sheltered, I managed to convince her that sex is how you exorcise demons, playing a bard is the greatest thing you can do
>>47855203
This guy.
>>47853028
My favorite exchange ever, right here.
>Early morning, bard is joking about a female innkeeper that's making eyes at the monk
>"I think someone is shy..."
>Monk isn't having any of it
>"I am a monk of the order of the open hand. One cannot have an open hand and clutch tightly to a loved one at the same time."
>Fighter is still tired, begins considering this koan with sleepy processing power
>Looks at the bard, the innkeeper, and the monk
>Thirty seconds later, he speaks
>"I'm pretty sure you have two hands."
>>47853054
I dislike you as a person
>>47853054
>>47853071
rekt and kekt
>>47853054
>people are taking this post seriosly
>>47875457
I like to think they're playing along
