Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages Guild! Now, the day is here. Yes, THAT day. The day we... decide who the Employee of the Month is! Now, I for one think it's ridiculous, because I'm not an optional candidate which is horse cockery! Also, all the prizes are pretty lame. Except that really cool personal portal. So feel free to bicker and squabble over the title for "who deserves the cool personal portal" like the idiots you are. And since I'm not allowed to participate, I'm going to fuck off, get my stash of thinking cocaine, and try and think of a good reason to get rid of those Dust Gremlins once and for all! But seriously, you will all be arguing over a personal portal and a bunch of useless prizes. I hope you're all happy with yourselves.Welcome to the Mages' Guild. Pick a name and join in! Conflicts are resolved with d20s when needed, or with playing it out. When the thread dies on /tg/, we keep it going on archived.moe For additional resources, please visit http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Mage%27s_guild
Question. Is anyone allowed to be nominated employee of the month?
>>47804636
Don't know. Don't care.
>Sips Coffee
Well, employee of the month should obviously be me. It's not even a questions really.
>>47804636
>Shrug
>>47804589
Here is the coffee for everyone.
>>47804680
Thank you Mort.
Also, I nominate Mortimer as employee of the month.
>>47804667
Not... not really.
>>47804653
I suppose you wouldn't.
>>47804667
Don't be so quick Jill. I think I stand a chance here.
>>47804680
Mort! You think i would make a good employee of the month, right?
>>47804636
Anyone can be nominated as long as they do paid work for the guild.
>>47804680
Thank you Mortimer, Consider yourself nominated.
>>47804709
Seconded.
>>47804709
Wh-! Why not!
>>47804719
I hope you know a good necromancer, cuase you only have a ghost of a chance.
>>47804709
Pretty much.
>Takes another sip
What is the shitty prizes he was referring to in the first place?
>>47804755
Makes sense, I guess.
>>47804761
Because you're you.
>>47804769
A personal portal, I believe.
>>47804755
>>47804709
>>47804728
Thank you all for your vote as Employ of the month
>>47804778
Uhh yeah? Have you read my name tag? Best witch.
>>47804761
>Points his thumb at Lazarus.
But his sail seems to be blowing in Mort's direction, and I'm probably going to be following.
>>47804761
>smirk
He knows one of the best you know. Not that it would help him right now though.
>>47804769
The rights to the portal space that's both right by the cafeteria and right by the front door. And yes, it shouldn't work, but it does. Antruthius made it one day when he had been sober for a week.
>>47804791
You've earned it. Many times over.
Clearly with sorcery being the superior school it should be a sorcerer who is employee of the month. Enscorreled enemies are up 6% this quarter.
>>47804778
>>47804838
So they only lead to the front door and the cafeteria?
>>47804844
Bewitchments are up 5%though!
>>47804838
Thank you Lazarus. But is there anyone else who should be nominated?
>>47804797
But are you an employee?
>>47804852
I dunno why.
>>47804844
But sorcery isn't superior, and it was down 12% last quarter.
>>47804878
Your kidding, right?
>>47804852
No, any portal you place on the spot splits into being present in both locations. So depending on what direction you enter the other end of the portal, you'll end up in either the cafeteria, or the front door.
>>47804844
Undead are up by 16% since this time last year, mostly thanks to the war in Tenebrus.
>>47804877
I suppose I could nominate Veilhex for teacher of the month, but I think the students are in charge of that category.
>>47804878
I'm pretty sure Jill does indeed teach students, which would make her an employee.
>>47804932
Are you or are you not paid for teaching your students?
>>47804950
>jill flashes a check
>SHE MAKES HOW MUCH NOW?
HELLO MORTALS AND DEMI-MORTALS, I HAVE RETURNED ONCE AGAIN TO REPAIR YOUR SCRYING SPHERES...
Actually, I'm just here to vote for Employee of the month. Is anyone here worthy of MY VOTE?
>At moments where his voice switches from quiet to LOUD, he is fiddling with a crystal ball containing four multicolored glass panels. It does not seem to be working all the time.
Now wait just a moment! Mortimer here, while truly a dutiful servant, has been the employee of the month for twelve years straight. To top it off, he's a human! The Reformed are here to shrug this rampant xenophobia away from this guild! So I nominate myself, noble and humble paragon of race diversity that I am, as employee of the month!
>>47804932
You aren't even the best witch.
>>47804950
I suppose.
You'd really nominate me as teacher of the month?
>>47804988
Mortimer is.
>>47805001
I thought he was a giant? Besides, skeletons aren't even eligible.
>>47805001
Sir, I am a Giant. Perhaps you should get your eyes checked
>>47805001
I'm not surprised he's held on to that title for a while. He definitely is the most dedicated to his job. Really, isn't the point to figure out who does the best job, not who's the right race to make everything work out nicely?
>>47805011
Best witch, only witch in the meeting, same differance.
>>47805001
Look, unless you can brew a better pot of coffee than him, your chances are pretty shitty.
Mortimer is REALLY good at coffee.
>siiip
>>47804970
Then you're an employee, congratulations on being eligible running for second place.
>>47805001
Actually, Mortimer is a giant. But other than that you're correct.
>>47805011
You're the best I got at my disposal at least.
>>47804950
Huh. I guess that could be useful during rush hour.
>>47805012
You know what, youve got my vote big guy.
>>47805048
Diana how could you!
For one, I am no mere skeleton. I am a skeleton in a meat suit. For another, Mortimer I apologize for my misjudgement of your race, but as you yourself said, you are a giant. How is a giant eligible, as is a demon, but not a high ranking skeleton?
>>47804589
I nominate, MYSELF!
Ok, you can all stop laughing now, I wasn't serious.
>>47805012
Could I have some coffee please?
>>47805012
Hmmm, Mortimer. You seem to embody the role of EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH very well. Your title even includes 'dutiful' in it! How MARVELOUS!
I am unsure about whether or not you will win, but you have my vote...and this!
>Rykek hands Mortimer a glowing stick with a glass orb at the end.
One of my lessers put a lightning elemental in a glass ball and now I make it interact with the few orbs in this building! You can project images of quite anything with it from the palm of your hand!
I will say, however, I'd like to RUN FOR EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH as well, for maintaining, installing and reinstalling all of the scrying stones in here.
>>47805049
Now that's a bit less of a compliment.
>>47805039
Not really.
>>47805075
Because you're undead.
>>47805075
I'm sorry, I must be mishearing you, are you saying that you are UNQUALIFIED AND INELEGIBLE FOR THIS COMPETITION? Because I don't see anyone stopping you from nominating yourself.
>>47805077
Here you go Quin
>>47805086
Interesting. Thank you Rykek
>>47805068
>>47805075
>>47805086
The only way either of you are going to win this is if we make a new title called "Magical Employee of the Month". As Mortimer does not practice magic he would not be eligible for such a title, giving everyone else a chance to win one of these things for once.
>>47805068
Hey, I'm just saying. He's also the least likely to misuse or abuse the personal portal, which at least in my mind is a heavy factor.
>>47805120
Thank you Mortimer.
>>47805122
Oh hey, then I'm eligible. All in favour of choosing a Magical Employee of the Month" please raise your hand, paw, or otherwise equivalent appendage!
>>47805090
Take it as you will, but you're the best I have, so you would have my nomination.
>>47804589
I nominate the Janitors. All of them.
They had to clean up what happened...last night. In that place. That we swore not to talk about.
>>47804589
YOU'RE A DOPPLEGANGER
>>47805223
Thank you, then.
>>47805184
I doubt that's how it works.
>>47805256
Oh? What aren't we talking about, again?
>>47805274
This can't end well.
>Takes a few steps back
>>47805274
NO YOU'RE A DOPPLEGANGER!
>>47805274
>>47805300
Easy enough to tell who the real one is.
>A wall of fire sent toward them both
Rolled 12 (1d20)
>Looks down at watch
Ah shit, gotta go.
>Takes a big swig of coffee
FUCK THAT'S HOT!
>Rolling to teleport
>>47805329
Disappears in a puff of fire and smoke.
>>47805274
>>47805300
YOU ARE BOTH DOPPELGANGERS!
>>47805306
JUST HOW MANY OF YOU ARE HERE
Well I for one think that whoever it is they ought to probably be me.
>>47805274
>>47805300
>>47805362
Alright. This is new.
EVERYONE IS JOHN NOW
>>47805377
Sup?
>>47805300
>>47805362
>>47805431
This is going to end up just like the clonomancy incident, isn't it?
>>47805418
I know, right?
>>47805428
No, we aren't.
Why don't we all just take a quick trip to the Astral Plane of Employees of the Month, surely a worthy candidate will be there?
I didn't even think that this joke could turn out that well, hue hue hue
>>47805274
>>47805300
>>47805362
...Oh dear.
I think that's going to be it for me today.
>>47805274
>>47805300
>>47805362
>>47805428
>>47805431
Well... I got to say, it's been a while since this last happened.
>>47805461
But I thought the rituals needed to visit it were lost during the fourth age? Have you found it again?
>>47805480
>>47805274
>>47805300
>>47805362
>>47805431
Simple. Read their NAME TAGS, OF WHICH WE ARE ALL WEARING.
>>47805461
>>47805512
This man specializes in Diabolic conjuration, and I am a diablo. As is my cousin, who this man had conjured years ago. I can verify that his ritual to visit the Employee of the Month Plane will work with SOME DEGREE OF SUCCESS!
>>47805512
Have some imagination my friend, we're a gathering of the most intelligent and powerful sorcerers this side of the primal sphere, surely if we put our heads together we could find a new way there.
>>47805461
I don't think a plane like that exists.
>>47805468
You sir or madam has earned my respect.
>>47805480
Later Diana!
>>47805533
Yeah, none of the doppelgangers got their right.
>>47805552
I was once a denizen of that Plane, I'm afraid. For about five minutes, I was the employee of the month for a rather nasty balor. I was then permanently replaced and whipped for my troubles. It all worked out eventually though, when I came an independant Scry-net administrator!
>>47805533
It's true I have devised a ritual to visit or maybe even create such a place if it didn't exist in the first place but the risk is great and the spell is exceedingly harrowing.
>>47805552
Well have you ever been there to say with certainty that it doesn't?
>>47805533
Really?
>>47805538
Very well then you have my interest, what do you need for this project?
>>47805274
I nominate Harzillia Thrumbolt
>>47805602
We will need several rods of yellow chalk, the tongue of a metallic kobold, a cauldron of celestial coffee, and an employee of the month to entice this realms guardians to us. Once they come to claim the employee we can slip through the portal they open and find our own employee of the month.
>>47805592
That must have been quite the experience.
>>47805598
Well, no. But that's not really saying much since I don't travel the planes very often.
>>47805637
Why? Thrumbolt is a hack and a klutz.
>>47805694
It's how demons work. It's hardly a surprise that happened.
>>47805637
Who?
>>47805657
The metallic kobold might be difficult to acquire, but the coffee and the employee of the month can both be provided by Mortimer. Our soon to be Employee of the Month.
>>47805740
Nah, just employee. *runs away with "of the month"*
>>47805694
He paid me. seriously, why are you fuckers just nominating who ever you feel like? use this opportunity to make some deals and shit.
>>47805740
Some valmanian warlock
>>47805694
You really should get out of the realm more, the mind is groomed by a good change of scenery and a wider world from which to draw conclusions from. Just yesterday I was visiting the Plane of Contemplation and I think it helped me work through a lot of things.
>>47805731
Indeed, such things are the usual trappings of a demonic lifestyle.
>>47805740
Yes, yes. Once we have declared Mortimer the employee of the month, we can use him to lure the guardians here and then travel to their native plane and find the employee of the month. We will bring Mortimer of course, he is the soon to be employee of the month.
>>47805763
Zounds! He's stolen the words -- --- -----! This sort of metaphysical thievery shall not be tolerated!
>>47805731
I don't know a lot about how demons work. I know how demons work even less than I know how Devils work.
>>47805767
Because I'm well paid and I like my coffee.
>>47805785
Maybe I should, my daughter seemed to have enjoyed seeing the closest major planes.
>>47805786
Do some research then, it's quite the interesting topic.
>>47805786
you can be paid in things other then money you know.
>>47805846
Like keks and giggles?
>>47805815
You'd love it, the Astral Plane of Farloshep is beautiful during this cosmic alignment, the Plane of Ecstacy just slightly inches toward it and suddenly everyone there is just glimmering all the time!
>>47805763
>sighs
Someone get a bibliomancer in here! We have some missing words in need of replacement.
>>47805767
So, no one of importance then?
>>47805785
Fascinating, ritual. What was the tongue supposed to be for?
>>47805854
favors, I.O.U.s, firstborns, what ever you want. now stop stabbing yourself in the back man!
>>47805884
Once ingested it will prevent the devourer from lying, we will use this to finding who truly deserves to be employee of the month.
>>47805890
I will give three pieces of yellow chalk to vote for me as employee of the month.
>>47805816
Thank you, but I think I'll pass.
>>47805846
I know.
>>47805855
Is it safe to visit? In case I bring my daughter.
>>47805785
Oh yes, I do hear the Plane of Elemental Fire is quite wonderful this time of year. Not once have I experienced bad weather in the summer in the City of Brass. Well, not until my late apprentice built that phlogiston siphon and plugged it into our pyromantic accelerator loop. That was a fascinating year. Druids on fire off the cliffs of Ohio.
>>47805884
I wouldn't let him hear you say that.
>>47805931
Harzillia promised me I could use his beach house for 3 weeks.
>>47805944
>Jerry pokes an unblinking souless eye
>>47805948
If we're talking about planes now... I enjoyed sightseeing in Iron City of Dis. But folks in there are quite grumpy.
>>47805944
The plane of ecstasy? You're thinking of taking your daughter to a place called the plane of ecstasy?
>>47805931
Interesting. I'll go and see if we have any in stasis.
>>47805978
I'm several thousand years old, I'm a department head, and the most powerful man in the entire Empire of Tenebrus. I'm going to say what I damn well please.
>heads outBecause I'm in need of sleep.
>>47805979
YOU'RE FAAKE!
>>47806044
Mhmmmmm
>>47805944
It's as safe as hell, just don't wonder into the wrong eldritch cabals, and if any outsiders try to wash your windows tell them you've only got silver toes to pay them with.
>>47805948
I collected much druidic ash that year, those treehuggers fueled many horrid and foul rituals.
>>47805978
I see you are loyal to the incumbent pact but consider this Jerry, when the time comes to begin our unholy ritual and we extend out our metaphorical fingertips to the edges of the nine hells searching for the chalk we so desperately need who will have it? You, Jerry, and such heroism will not go unnoticed. Perhaps you may begin to toy with ambitions of Employee of the Month even?
>>47805979
The denizens of the Iron City are a gruff but fair people.
>>47806021
No, no the Plane of Farloshep is aligned with the Plane of Ecstasy, it aligns with the solar eclipse that occurs once every millennia in Farloshep. It's warlike people lay down their weapons and spend the next century consumed in festivities.
>>47806054
Oh shit
>>47806075
Oh, really?
Hmm.
Interesting.
>>47805948
Yeah, the Elemental Plane of Fire is one of the planes my daughter visited.
>>47806021
Of course not, I was considering the Astral Plane of Farloshep.
>>47806075
Thank you for the tip. I'll be sure to keep that in mind.
>>47806106
Yes well you wouldn't want to go there any other millennia those people build houses out of shit and spend centuries mastering the art of burning their firstborn alive.
>>47806107
Don't mention, unless you want to in which case please laud me with your praise.
>>47806075
Look i'm no... what ever it is you are but how can i know this chalk is as valuble as you're tell me? sound like you just trying to run a scam.not going to lie that actually creeps me out a bit
>>47806107
Of course.
>>47806128
I am not surprised.
>walks into room, sipping coffee, in his pajamas
>looks very confused
D-did I miss something? Did you guys start a meeting without me? YOU ASSHOLES!
>>47806177
...But we did start with... you? Me? Shit's confusing
>>47806141
This is no ordinary child's plaything, Jerry, this chalk is composed of pure calcium sulphate and enriched with the deep mustard yellow of devil horns, this particular hue is most precious because it is my ritual and I decided that I liked yellow chalk the best, Jerry, it's a neutral color without being white.
>>47806177
You can't expect us to just adjust our schedules around your beauty sleep Vauooli, the fifth moon of Garo has risen and so must our machinations begin.
>>47806199
Decide which one of you is real before coming to the meeting please.
>>47806199
God dammit man! I told you to wake me up before the meeting! What good is a clone if it doesn't do what you want it too?
>>47806177
Hey Helen.
>>47806232
I think i'm going to pass.
>>47806272
It's HelSEN. "Helen" is a girls name. Pronounce it right, n'wah.
I SHOULD BE THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH, NO, EMPLOYEE OF THE DECADE!
>>47806307
No. You shouldn't.
Are you paid by the guild? If not, then no, you shouldn't be.
Don't you have succubi to feed?
>>47806272
Remember this moment, Jerry, when you first resisted me. Remember it as the advent of your downfall, the genesis of your fantastic demise, centuries from now when your bones are the spell component of some mage college student conjuring up love letters to defile your great granddaughter with, remember this day.
>>47806307
Slow burning enchantments doing a slap dash job of imitating sentience don't get to be employee of the the month, Granitori.
>>47806307
>>47806340
Ahem.
>>47806295
sorry my bad Helen.
>>47806307
no.
>>47806340
yet another reason i will never have grandkids.
>>47806359
Tell me when you gaze into your scrying orb and focus your third eye toward the planet Earth of the Milky Way galaxy do you see a forum post mirroring our every actions debating who should be doppelganger -- --- -----?
>>47806360
And thus my horrible vengeance has already undone you, Jerry, your line ends with you and there's nothing you would've done about!
>laughs maniacally and then sips coffee.
>>47806340
>looks in Luvros's direction, sips his coffee, smokes his cig
Damn.
>>47806360
Shoots Jerry a nasty look
>>47806307
I think you mean appliance of the century.:^)
>>47806340
Dude, are you okay? That was terrifyingly specific.
>>47806417heading off to play vidia, hope to see you in the archives
Rolled 16 (1d20)
>>47806333
>checked
BE QUIET, ANDROGYNOUS FOOLISH MORTAL!
>>47806340
FOOL! YOU DO NOT REALIZE THAT GOLEMS ARE SUPERIOR TO MORTAL MEATBAGS IN EVERY SINGLE WAY THAT IS FATHOMABLE ACROSS THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE!
>>47806359
WHAT?
>>47806360
YES!
>>47806426
FUCK YOOOOOOU!
>THUNDERBOLT
>>47806417
Nay, it's only me shi~ i mean, funposting, yes
Rolled 4 (1d20)
>>47806443
>lazily redirects thunderbolt
>>47806443
FAKE SPELLCASTERS EVERYWHERE
>>47806443
>>47806440
I can say with some possible certainty that the inner mechanisms of my beautiful mind are functioning at a capacity which is still so staggeringly intelligent that it is indistinguishable from the scope of my total unhindered genius.
>>47806443
I will concede that such an artificial coil is beneficial in some ways.
>>47806447
As it should.
>>47806443
Andro- No, you shut up!
>>47806488
I will have to take your word for it.
>>47806502
And take my word for it you shall! As it was foretold in the ancient prophesies of grumsh.
I'm starting to feel quite abstract...
>>47806541
Sublime isn't it?
>>47806466
>THUNDASTRUCK
>>47806470
W...W..
>is actually startled as fuck
WHAT THE..?!
>>47806488
>checked as well
YES, IT QUITE IS!
>>47806635
What the ducke, hehe hehehe
>>47806535
I've never heard those prophesies.
>>47806635
So who made you again?
>>47806635
Tell me, man of rock and thunder, have you always dwelt in such a form?
>>47806705
HE MADE HIMSELF
or did he
really makes you think huh
>>47806669
WHAT IS THIS ELDRITCH ABOMINATION?!
>>47806705
>>47806709
I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA!
>>47806635
See, lads, THAT is how you apply some evocation!
Not machines, not tubes, and certainly not phlogiston siphons. YOU HEAR ME?
>>47806705
That is because there aren't any. Ask him about acceptance, letters and you'll see.
>>47806722
>>47806740
Then clearly you're simply someone's servant who got loose.
>>47806748
I see...
>>47806709
Are the prophesies real?
i nnnned some helpses, me malmutaing
>>47806771
Certainly, good sir. Let me just conjure up the good ole Comathrax's Coruscating Calamity and stand very still.
>>47806705
>>47806748
>>47806764
The prophesies of Grumsh are an archaic series of vague predictions detailing the mystifying intricacies of day to day interactions, concepts such as people usually trusting you, and common courtesy are foretold to be highly likely should you talk to another person. I studied them for many years after I spent three decades contemplating in solitude the many mysteries of my infinite library.
>>47806722
I take consolation from such moral quandaries with the knowledge that my intellect is so unthinkably vast that I am no doubt the juvenile or dying echo of some primordial god of knowledge.
>>47806740
Fascinating.
>>47806771
Well that's just horrid.
>>47806764
....
>Sparks a bit
Did you..
...JUST..
CALL ME..
A SERVANT WHO HAS GOTTEN LOOSE?!
YOU ANDROGYNOUS FAKBOI!
>>47806748
WHAT IS THIS NONSENSE?
>>47806771
>wha duh fug
UH...
>>47806795
INDEED!
>>47806795
It takes a certain kind of lad to study rudimentary social graces for years and still act, like, well, this. Real talent, that.
Speaking of which, how goes your search for an apprentice? I hear the last one ran away screaming after two days.
>>47806795
Uh... Those aren't prophesies, those are what are called society.
>>47806820
Yes I did! You dickless machine!
>>47806832
The many failings of my ongoing hunt for a successor are neither here nor there and the boy was unfit to carry forward my legacy if the faintest smell of brimstone causes him to turn tail and run.
>>47806840
Yes, society that is perhaps what I meant to say. Society... that is no doubt a puzzling conundrum the likes of which no man shall ever comprehend the inner workings of.
OI GOYS! We've moved to moe already, get yo fagget asses in here!
http://archived.moe/tg/thread/47804589
>>47806943
>no, we go to archives when the thread is being saged after the posting limit dummy
>>47806898
Or you could be a sociologist.
>>47806943We're still bumping. Don't go down there yet
>>47806898
Really, now? He seems perfectly fine and happy as a pyromancy major. He might even advance the field a bit in a few years. Smells of brimstone and bat guano around the clock! They wouldn't run if you weren't trying so hard to make them run. Really no one here is impressed by a reputation for vile sorcery.
>>47806840
I do have to concure with our automagical colleague. And what sort of name is Veilhex, anyway? Doomblight I can get behind, wink, but Veilhex? Seriously, you're just asking to be called a fuckboy.
Rolled 7 (1d20)
>>47806840
...
>RAIN OF FIRE
>>47806969
So see all oh justs... I will scour the realm for such creatures and gleam what knowledge from them I can.
>>47806990
You control the power of a god and choose to use it conjuring up a cheaper alternative to fireworks, such unimaginative sorcery is no doubt a suitable fit for my spineless disciple. Furthermore I will not tolerate such baseless claims of my person, you will retract your lies and your harmless gloats lest I use my vile sorcery to bind your very soul to the astral plane of stupid narrow minded idiots who would rather burn paper than ever pick up a book.
Rolled 12 (1d20)
>>47806990
Did... Did you just say wink?
Also, shut up. You don't know my life.
>>47807045
>Dumps all the fire into the negative energy plane
>>47807062
Good luck with that.
>>47804589
Isn't this kinda shit usually banned?
>Rises from a maw that opens up on the floor
So, anything important happen?
>>47807094
>Picks up his nametag
How did this...
>He shakes his head as he puts it back on
I was zoning out, did I miss anything important?
>>47807062
That's good on you, miss, and I'll remember that if I ever do think of making baseless claims on the subject of you or your practices, or concocting some lies. Now recall that all that I said up until now was truth. See us proper wizards don't need all this huffing and puffing. We have actual magic for that.
>>47807119
. . .Oh I was, dammit, I feel like and idiot.
>Puts the nametag properly on his chest
>>47807123
Hey Aaliyah, I just popped in wondering the same thing.
>>47807069
CHEATER! I WILL KNOCK YA' TEETH OUT, I'LL BUST YA' RIGHT IN THE NOGGIN, CUZ' IM THE GREATEST, THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD!
I KNOCK YOUR NEICE'S TEETH OUT AS WELL!
I'LL BURN DOWN THE NECROMANCY DEPARTMENT
AND SHOW THAT I AIN'T ONE TO BE FUCKED WITH!
Rolled 18 (1d20)
>>47807138
Having a bit of trouble?
>>47807141
>Glares
>A pair of skeletons attempt to grapple the golem dickhead
>>47807138
So many new faces, is it bingo night again?
Rolled 4 (1d20)
>>47807168
>MAXIMIZED FIREBALLS!
>>47807191
>>47807168
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU SKELLINGTON MORTAL FOOLS!
Rolled 14 (1d20)
>>47807191
>>47807206
>The skeletons attempt to take the golem apart
>They appear unfazed by trash talk
Rolled 2 (1d20)
>>47807191
Please, this is how you maximize a fireball.
>>47807094
>>47807123
We have devised a ritual which will allow us to travel to the astral plane of employees of the month, our disputes would be in the past were it not for the infantile aspirations of flame jugglers and narrow minded hedge mages.
>>47807132
I am most assuredly a man and until now this man has tolerated such woeful nagging from the likes of you but now you have crossed the metaphorical line into the realm of wrongdoing. You will apologize also for demeaning the stature of such glorious prose as the marvelous words which drip from my mouth at all times. I am humble enough to realize that my greatness can be off putting and threatening to the minds of swine but wherein did I ever insult you to deserve such harsh lashings?
>>47807228
Ha!
Rolled 18 (1d20)
>>47807215
>FLAME BURST!
>DICE!
>ARENJI!
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>47807242
>The skeletons are singed and knocked away
>More dogpile the golem and try to dismantle the dickless weakling
>>47807141
GRANITORI! The fuck you think you doing?
>>47807168
You seem like you have it handled.
>>47807178
>Lurco shrugs
Maybe. So, what have you been up to?
>>47807228
Pretty sure that's not. I mean, I don't want to risk showing you what it looks like and failing, but still.
>>47807241
Ah, I see.
I'm Lurco, you may know the previous version of me as the Devourer of Devils.
You?
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>47807241
Hmm. Let us try this again, shall we?
I was distracted by your luxurious hair, which, assuredly, will cease to be an issue in just a moment. Do stand still. Or don't. It doesn't matter. I will ask the esteemed magisters to stand well away.
>Transmute Elf to Plasma!
>>47807290
I was walking through the Steppes when I was set upon by a wave of vapour. Can't remember much else, something about rampant consumerism and a kingdom called Roxburry.
Rolled 1 (1d20)
>>47807269
>ATTEMPT TO FLOAT IN THE AIR TO DAWDGE AND CASTS FIREBALLS ON VEILHEX!
>>47807290
PURIFYING THIS GIRLYBOY WITH FLAMES BECAUSE HE CALLED ME A SERVANT!
Rolled 18 (1d20)
>>47807290
It is a pleasure Lurco. I am Luvos Nichto, conjurer from beneath the western sands, binder of devils, and walker of many planes.
>>47807300
Well I'm only actually half-elf.
>releases a wave of dispel magic
>>47807269
>>47807348
>sets himself on fire
>the skellingtons dismantle him as he is on fire
>THEY DO NOT REALIZE THIS HAS HAPPENED MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE
>HIS HAND ATTEMPTS TO GRAB HIS HEAD AND THROW IT AT THE SKELLINGTONS!
Rolled 10 (1d20)
>>47807364
>dice!
Rolled 18 (1d20)
>>47807290
Maybe not as handled as I would like.
>>47807348
>>47807364
>>47807391
You threatened my niece!
>The skeletons attempt to take his head far, far away from his body
>And dump it through one of the many, many portals in the hall of portals
>>47807341
Huh, sounds interesting. Did you have fun there?
>>47807348
Yeah, I can't really say you're anyone's servant.
>>47807359
Nice to meet you Luvos.
Nice dispel.
>>47807400
Well, you aren't having to do that much work.
>>47807400
SHIT!
NO! MY BODY!
>>47807422
>As his head is being taken away
LURCO, GRAB MY BODY PARTS AND THROW THEM INTO THE PORTAL THEY'RE ABOUT TO THROW MY HEAD INTO!
>>47807422
Thank you, the trick is the flourish of the hands I think.
>>47807422
I suppose not.
>>47807448
>Laughs as he is taken away and thrown out of the guild
>To somewhere
>Skeletons aren't picky
>>47807422
I think so. My fur's been sticking on end ever since, but something about it smells toxic. Nature spirits and clouds seem to give me a wide berth now though.
>>47807448
I will not.
But, I will transport your body to the same general location.
>Opens a maw portal to the portal room and sticks his head in to check which portal he is about to be thrown in
>He laughs and sticks his head out
Oh man, Granitori will be in for a hell-of-a-doozy.
>He maw portals Granitori's body two blocks away from his head
>>47807460
Hm, I see... I'm replacing the previous Lurco and since I come from another universe with a vastly different source of magic and given the fact I had not used magic in a long time, I'm more or less relearning how to perform magic.
And learning how to perform spells specific to this world.
I got my spell reflection spell working though!
>>47807465
So, why'd you call him a servant?
>>47807489
Hm, I'd get that checked out, just to know why that is happening at the very least.
>>47807546
Because he is.
And he called me girly.
>>47807546
>>47807465
>MINIGAME!
>WHERE DOES GRANITORI END UP AT!
>HIGHEST 1D20 ROLL WINS!
Rolled 10 (1d20)
>>47807570
But who would he be a servant of?
>>47807579
>Long's territory, near the Akitz-Steppes border
I will take my leave of you now, comrades, I hope your many endeavors to pierce the veil of arcane understanding are worthwhile and fruitful.
>>47807546
The precise countering or dispelling of another's magic will take you a long way, I find that an appreciation for the basics will carry you a long way.
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>47807579
>Mana Wastes
>>47807611
Whoever made him.
>>47807546
I think it washes out. I've been a little to dizzy to trust myself around water though.
I did get this neato statuary though, looks like some sort of marble human bust, without any paint though.
>>47807613
Yeah, I have the basic spells pretty much down. Of both my magic and Aen's.
So, conjuration. You enjoy it?
>>47807619
Hm, I doubt that.
Anyways, besides you fighting Granitori, was there anything else special about this meeting?
>>47807666
Well if you want I can have one of my daughter's help you.
Also, that's cool. You have it on you?
>>47807718
Mort got nominated Employee of the month.
Aside from that, not really.
>>47807611
>>47807619
>that's all
>ok then
>lurco wins the minigame
>>47807739
Ah, good for him.
So, I got word that there's a race. Is it guild members only?
>>47807746
>I hope Granitori has fun
>>47807844
Not sure. My niece has a plan to win it, according to her, but she won't share the details.
>>47807746
>The skeletons dump his head
>They cannot laugh
>They try to, though
>>47807863
Yeah, but they better watch out, cause Glug's participating as well.
>>47807940
What's he gonna ride, an ooze of speed?
>>47807718
Yes it's here somewhere...
>Though shi wears very little in the way of baggy clothing, shi somehow produces a marble bust of a man's head
I can't remember how I got it though.
>>47807964
Just to let you know, Glug is very good at the creation of golems.
I'm sure some sort of vehicle isn't beyond him.
>>47807965
Cool. I forgot, do you have a room here and at the Fighters' Guild, or just at the Fighters' Guild?
>>47808030
I'll tell her to keep an eye out for Glug, then.
I've run the numbers, and meetings like this are ultimately a waste of resources that are hurting our bottom line. If we are going to have a successful second quarter, I suggest that we drop the meeting and start scamming and hamming - immediately.
>>47808041
Alright. But just to let you know, I may help Glug if I'm able to join.
>>47808062
Well, I'm not part of the guild so...
>He shrugs
We have a problem.
Someone, And i'm not saying it was Noone but it was probably Noone got into the Room Full of Dangerous and Illegal Magical Artifacts. We don't know what if anything was stolen.
>>47808062
But we need to have these meetings. It's part of the guild charter, I think.
And the Archwizard enjoys getting up infront of everybody and announcing meetings, I think.
>>47808121
Oh, Obsidia might not take that well at all.
>>47808136
Are we sure he didn't steal everything and leave an illusion of everything instead?
>>47808136
>Raises his hand
That was actually me. I did not take anything, but there are a certain couple of items that I would be willing to buy.
>>47808145
What, would she want me to join her?
>falls to his knee, praying
Oh dearest Lords in the heavens above, whom ha'th blessed upon this land..
>he breaks into tears
>>47808145
Nobody can tell, Its forbidden to cast any spells or touch anything or enter the room!
Many redcloaks died to bring you this information, Including me!
>The redcloak topples over, an axe sticking out of its back
>>47808157
>Youre reasonably sure you had nothing to do with the redcloaks dying, Not that its unusual for them to spontaneously die for no reason
This belongs on >>>/qst/ or >>>/trash/ .
>>47808157
Not sure. She says she has a plan and that it's brilliant, but she is mum on the details.
>>47808165
How do you still exist?
>>47808187
Right... Should probably repay him for that.
>Picks up the redcloak
Let's get you fixed up, shall we?
>Carries the redcloak's corpse off to get it revived
>>47808197
I've been reporting quest threads every single day and they still won't make the migration to QST. A thread like this is both board tradition and occasionally hilarious. I've been warned by mods for complaining about 'WHY DO YOU HATE ELVES' thread and yet quests are allowed to remain. What I'm ultimately saying is that a) you're wrong and b) even if you were right, los moderinos are shitforbrains faggots that won't do jack shit to fix the problem.
>>47808165
Hey, one of them is still alive!
You have my condolences about Doss Helgado. He was a man I considered a good rival.
>>47808187
>But Lurco did break in, with the help of Ereplacs
>Lurco made a catalog of the items he would be willing to buy
>>47808219
I escaped..
>SAD MUSIC https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVTP0DOL_2Q
>>47808242
We..we were the greatest department the Guild has ever seen..we grew from a few dozen..to a powerhouse. We started a revolution which changed the balance of power..we were the horde, we were the swarm, we were the chainsaw ready to cut down anyone who got in our war. Our traditions, our lives, our brethren, it's all gone.
I watched my brothers die as the Archwizard fired his light at them..I watched our flag fall down..I watched our great department fall to ruins..
D..Do you know how..it feels to know you are the last of your kin still alive?
>>47808309
Yes, because I am the same of my race.
Or, well, that's how it feels with what my master and senior have become.
But hey, it could be worst. You could be the last survivor of your universe. The last one to remember anything that had happened there. Knowing all trace of it will be gone when you die.
So do not be sad, because the Chainsawmancers will live on, in the memories of the people.
>>47808030
Guild of what? I thought this was the record store.
>>47808407
No, this is the Mages' Guild. You've been here before. Well, possibly not here, here. But you've been in the Mages' Guild's archives before.
>>47808381
>he bursts into tears, hugging you while holding his chainsaw
>>47808477
>Hugs back
I remember most of them, including Hos.
He was tough. I'm not sure I would have won our second fight.
>>47808588
I..I need to go..sit..
>he sits down, face in his hands
I nominate the chainsaw mancer
>>47808650
>Pats his back
>>47808674
Too late, Mort was decided on.
Mort really deserves it from what I've seen.
>>47808709
But the giant always wins.
>>47808709
>>47808674
>looks up at anne, tears running down his face
>>47808721
Does he? Well, I'm sorta new to this world, so I wouldn't know.
>>47808749
Well, to be honest, my vote doesn't count, since I'm not part of the guild. But I hear a lot of other people voted for Mort.
So if you want to make it to the top you'll have to work hard.
>>47804589
Shit! Sorry I'm so late to the meeting! But whats this about employee of the month? And why had it only happened once in the four months that I've worked here?
Aaaaaaggggghhhhhh.
>A portal opens and closes in the sky. What looks like to be a corpse, reveals to be a very withered, bare alive humanish looking body, some of parts of it's body appears to be missing, various parts are replaced with other apendages.
*coughs*Is there, a healer around?*It's voice growing slightly fainter.*
>>47808818
It's fine..i'll just go..
>walks off sad
>>47808843
I think it's because they actually mean Employee of the Year but they like the word Month more.
>>47808862
Um, maybe?
>>47808895
Hey! Don't get so down! You can do anything if you work hard enough!
>>47808923
*coughs*I need one......*coughs blood*
>>47808434
You just said something about fighting. Maybe /you/ haven't been here before?
>>47808990
Well, I can try to heal you, but...
>>47809022
Oh, you meant the Fighters' Guild. No, so, we are here in the Mages' Guild, but there is another guild called the Fighters' Guild that I have seen you in before as a nurse of sorts.
Speaking of, can you heal that stranger?
>Lurco points to the Lost Traveller
>>47809141
*coughs blood*Please............
Rolled 20 (1d20)
>>47809279
I can try, though you should know, I'm no master of restoration.
>>47809279
>Performs healing dance/the hustle
>>47809279
Trust me, she's a great healer.
>>47809317
>He smiles
Well, you're good enough!
>>47809339
>>47809279
Yes well, this one warns it not to imbibe water during the witching hour and only use low kerosine aquanet.
>>47809317
>>47809339
>>47809405
>The witrhered body still looks withered, but the face looks a little, well, very littled livelier.
Ah,*clears throat*, well I am looking for the bastards who gave me the wrong directions 596 centuries ago. Damned portals sent me to all sorts of places and hell. But man some of the ladies were smoking, literally.
>>47809670
Hrm... Tell this one, what did the air smell like then? And the moons; of what phase were they in?
>>47809811
Unfortunately as one who gets trapped in a hell of portals, the only details I can strike out where whether or not the air was toxic, there was women, and how long I was in the current portal. It was a massive stroke of luck that brought me out. Although I'm not sure if my sense pf time has been warped. And it's,*starts fidgeting*, hard not trying to look for exits after all those tortures.*nervously scratches everywhere*ALL THIS SAFETY IS DRIVING ME MAD! SOME ONE HELP!*erraticly starts convulsing*
>>47809873
Safety?
>A random redrobe scream is heard
Safe is a strange word to describe the Mages Guild.
>>47809989
Oh trust me, right now this the safest place currently I've been in so many years. I remember one time there was this fantastic paradise. Called the "safest" part of all the multi-multi verses, goddamn it was such a trap. At first it looked harmless, nice calm and peaceful. Then bam! 6 weeks later you're locked up in a dungeon about to be fed to a massive parasite armed with only your severed arm and a couple missing teeth. Well that could be that was my experience sincew the last few portals trapped within 89 or so prisons armed with nothing but someone elses served arm.
>>47810106
Oh. Well, sounds like you have some shitty luck.
Try not to fall into a random portal to the Nine Hells.
>>47810138
Next time I won't ask directions at a Mages Guild thanks to some asshole. I also met my first wife. Sadly she dies a few weeks later. I think my longest wife lasted about 2 or 3 years, and she was, let's see,*starts counting fingers, toes, and various other apendages*, well I forgot, but anyeise currently I've bee alone for about 595 centuries and 9+decades since my last wife.
>>47810183
Huh, you're pretty old as well. There's not many people our age around here that are native to this world since this world is only really around 600 centuries old.
>>47810235
HAHAHAHAHA, old, I wouldn't call myself old, more like fractured since my sense of time has been completely shattered, I can hardly get a flow of time. Wait, did you just say world?
>>47810258
Yes, this Mages Guild resides on a planet called Aen.
Want me to get you a map?
Rolled 18 (1d20)
>>47810297
AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! THAT BASTARD! NOT ONLY AM I TRAPPED AND CURSED, I AM NOT EVEN IN THE RIGHT MAGE GUILD!
>Attempt to try and stiffle my rage.
>>47810335
Yeah. Probably not even the right universe.
Or universe cluster.
Want to see a map of Aen? Or do you plan on figuring out how to leave before it's relevant?
Rolled 4 (1d20)
>>47810335
>>47810389
*in a much calmer voice*Aphem, I nearly let some other damned demon or something trapped within.*the reddish tint around his body fades, promptly sighs*I guess it's time to go through some god forsaken torture, maybe I might kill another god or two, or three, oh well.
>A strange runic formation releasing magic that has never been seen in this world, appeared beneath his feet.
Off I go then, this has been a rather nice pit stop.
>>47810426
>A large tentacly appears and drags him off.
Oh great, this place again.
>The formation projecting a red glow upwards, the sounds of screaming and the smell of fire and brimstone fills the room for a couple hours.
>>47810426
Okay, want a souvenir?
>>47810474
Oh, never mind then.
. . .It's a good thing I made friends with all the guys attached to my soul.
>Wanders back in
Well, he's alive again. That's good news, right?
>WELP
>WE'RE DEAD
>MOVE TO ARCHIVES!
>http://archived.moe/tg/thread/47804589/#q47806722_47
>http://archived.moe/tg/last/100/47804589/#q47806722_19
