Tell me about your princess kidnappings, dranons.
>>47728695
>Kidnap princess, as usual
>Kinda sick, but whatever it's new year and it's tradition
>Get there
>Knight is waiting for me
>He looks at me and taps next to him on the bed saying "Draganon, we have to speak"
>"O-ok"
>"Well, Draganon, the princess got married and moved away"
>"What."
>"Well, how about we have a few drinks and thenI get you home so you can re-think your life Draganon?"
>tfw he put roophies on my drink and fucked my ass and gave me a teabag
>tfw he told every dragoness in the area I was a faggot
Why are knights such assholes?
>>47729310
>Succumbing to a roofie
Underage hatchling detected.
>>47729310
Because you're a enormous faggot for not killing all knights on sight, which in turn inspire their sons or daughters to take up knighthood and continue the knightly tradition of rescuing damsels in distress and hating dragons.
This is basic kidnapping Princesses 101 stuff.
>>47729351
What kinda drug WOULD fuck up a dragon, anyway?
>>47729352
But he was always nice and stuff, he hook me up with the princess stuff.
>>47729578
...You're a white dragon, aren't you?
>>47729630;_;
>Be on Dragonchan
>Say I'm 70
>Banned for thirty years because I'm "underage"
>Appeal
>"I know at least one of the mods is only fifty!"
>"He's a human."
>Ban lifted three decades later (I'm loyal to my ISP, they give me free Netflix)
>Discussing my redness
>Underage banned for twenty years
>"u wot m8 bash yer mams eggs in swer on me gold"
>"Red dragons are adults at 120 years old."
>Two decades later, ban is lifted
>Talk about the time a wizard petrified me for five years and kept me as a statue in his lobby.
>Declared underage again and banned for five years.
>Appeal because a kid vampire who was dust for the past half-century (he was turned and staked in the same night when he was ten) wasn't considered underage
>"Being turned to dust is a normal thing among vampires. Petrifaction is not."
>MFW
>>47728695
Her father's apparently a dick and I'm currently plotting with her to set up our kid as the next king after I kidnap her sister.
>>47729310
>See your post
>Use my shapeshifting abilities for the first time in over a century just so I could make this face when
I don't understand the appeal of princesses. With all those frilly clothes, they're not nearly as aerodynamic as other humans, so I can't throw them as far, and most of them are terrible at conversation. I personally like monks the best. When you set them on fire they totally undersell it, plus there's those kinds that do all kinds of crazy flipping and jumping, and sometimes you can combine the two? And they all look so good in orange, it's their natural color. brb, I'm going to eat 500 lbs of jewelry.
>>47729828
>they're not nearly as aerodynamic as other humans
that's the fucking idea you idiot. It's fun because it's HARD.
>>47729870
That's what HE said!
>>47729750
>>47729351
>>47729352
FUCK YOU GUYS.
I got my virginity stolen by a knight and you faggots laugh at me.
It's not fair.
What should I do? No beating him up isn't a problem, he's stronger.
>>47729923
Fuck you too it wasn't fun, it was just hard and made my tushie sore.
>>47729747
>All those decades worth of memes you've missed out on
Man, I know we like to boast time has no meaning to us, but... Shit, missing out all those years, you miss a lot.
>>47729828
Well, when I've kidnapped princesses, it's usually to lure powerful knights and other adventurers to my lair and jack their stuff until the king pays a ransom on them. All of it goes into my horde.
I haven't gotten very far into the princess thing though.
Side note though: if you kill only one of an adventuring party after stealing their stuff, they'll swear revenge and comeback with more stuff to loot from them!
>>47729747
>People posting pseudodragon porn on /sd/
>I post one of a well-known pseudodragon porn star
>Permabanned for wrymling porn
>Nixie is showing her goods on the camwhore board which would be considered CP in those weird human chans
>Random pic of a 300 year old pixie, which as we all know have never worn clothes outside of very formal occassions
>Perma'd for wee-weefolk porn
>On the general discussion board
>Red dragon tells story about how he used his lightning breath to fry a knight in armor. Extra crispy.
>Call him out on his bullshit, saying that red dragons breath fire and that he is obviously a blue or bronze
>Banned for "Transcolorism"
>Apparently he identifies as a red
The mods there got their princesses kidnapped. Fuck dragonchan.
>>47729970
I dunno, I really just want to be left alone. Unless they're carrying bottle caps, or pogs, or those...um...gambling chip things, or tin can lids, or hula hoops, or frisbees, or wheels, or very circular rocks, I don't want anything to do with anyone. In fact, I don't even know why I'm posting here.
>>47730061
Goddamn social justice wyrms. I will never acknowledge a transcolored. Biology is completely immutable in all instances and there are no counterexamples to this, prove me wrong.
>>47730061
Such fucking bullshit.
>>47730069
I guess different strokes for different dragons. I'm sort of an old soul honestly and have been trying to build my horde the uphill-endless-struggle sort of way my dad raised me by.
I know there's better ways of adding to my collection and it doesn't even have to be shiny anymore, but, I dunno, I just feel I HAVE to try the hard way, just to look back later in life and say I did.
>>47729963
okay, you want my honest advice? If you can't get revenge on the knight directly, fuck with his family, his friends, his lord, etc. Hurt him where it hurts in the heart.
Make him suffer more than just physically.
Or you could prepare a magical trap, invite him over claiming you really enjoyed it, then slip him a roofie, put him in restraints, and assfuck him.
Bottom line is: are you a dragon or are you not?
Hey /dragon/. Bronzy from the last thread. In case you missed it, quick greentext recap.
>Made my lair on coastal bluffs near young, flourishing port-kingdom.
>Been having territory disputes with Red up in the mountains near kingdom.
>'bout a week ago Red stops patrols, don't seem him flying about.
>Get curious and investigate. Find his lair, hoard all looted, Red slain and drained of all his blood and most of his scales harvested.
>Turns out adventurers from the kingdom found his lair and managed to kill him.
>Oh, it gets better.
>Wizard from that party used Red's parts to conduct a ritual that permanently turned him into a dragon.
>I know this 'cuz I went incognito as a human to poke around in the kingdom and saw him strutting about, proclaiming himself the Kingdoms "Eternal Protector" or some nonsense. Nearly spat lightning from a combination of shock and laughter.
>Watched him try and fly with new wings for first time.
>Careened right into ocean.
>Had to get fishing nets to pull him out.
He hasn't been much of a bother so far. But the ritual he used concerns me. I don't know if he'll share it with other wizards or not. Hell, hopefully any wizards browsing right now won't get any bright ideas.
Should I confront him and nip the problem in the bud right now, or wait and see how things play out?
>>47730146
>Fucking with a knight that clearly can fuck him over hard
He's prolly a hatching since he can feel a human dick inside of his ass to the point of being sore AND could sit on a bed (only good mortal invention are beds, funnily enough).
So he has to double down, since he's probably a little faggy small sized dragon.
But yeah, he should try to fuck with him, only for the hilarious result kid!
>>47730213
>(only good mortal invention are beds, funnily enough).
Are you high on brimstone fumes dranon. How do you even sleep on own of those? So smooth, and soft, not an hint of gold or gems in them, the best you can get is a golden inlaid in the bed sheets! And anyway, sleeping under sheets is not natural, I've got some experience with that. If is like being in a fucking fishing net.
>Humans draw porn of dragons
>Give them breasts
Joke's on them, I've been drawing porn of humans with cloacas for the past fifty years.
>>47730347
You are just as sick as they are.
>>47730197
Hah! I must have missed that last part last night. Any signs he's been improving, I'm setting things up for confronting the bastard.
>>47730213
Then this should be his first lesson in telling someone not to fuck with a dragon.
>>47730296
You fill your bed with gold.
Senpai comfiest shit ever.
When you're old enough you'll understand why beds are nice.
>>47730573
Shit it is like humans won't start being suspicious if I do fill my bed with gold! You must be Metallic, eh?
>>47730197
>I don't know if he'll share it with other wizards or not.
He won't. Wizards don't work together unless it's literally end-of-the-world shit going down. I don't know if fucking with magic causes mental conditions or if you just gotta have a mental condition to start in the first place.
Why are Kababs always take our eggs?
>>47730622
It's the best.
>Wtf
>No hoard
>This place is shit
>I'm out, fuck this.
Literally you can leave home and not be afraid.
>>47730662
Because you didn't cook them properly.
>>47730676
Listen dranon. I have not been posing as the queen of this fucking kingdom for 27 years just to be found out because I couldn't bear sleeping on a soft bed. But by Tiamat as soon as I don't need it anymore I'm gonna sprawl in the royal treasury and never come out anymore.
>>47730719
Make the bed out of gold. Get gold embedded into the sheets and all that, if anyone says shit "Lol i'm the queen, I need to show how rich I'm!" or some shit like that.
>>47730744
I've got gold embroidery for the sheets and even the mattress. It is not just the same, at all.
Oh, when you come up with a cunning plan to get yourself a kingdom of worshippers, you'll have the rights to judge. Kobolds don't count.
>>47730347
Don't half of humans have those?
>>47730778
>Kobolds don't count
They do.
Kobolds are:
1. More industrious
2. Smarter
3. More loyal
4. Cuter for muzzlegrimoire pictures
5. Smaller
>>47730851
1:Only if you whip them enough
2:Bullshit
3:Also called boring, if I don't uncover a conspiracy every other year I kind feel hollow inside.
4:they look like a mockery of us, you idiot.
5: so what.
>>47730893
1. Don't whip them so much, mine love me.
2. Double bullshit on you.
3. I like only one thing in my back and those are rubs, not knifes, slut
4. That's why they're adorable, they're like my mini-me. It's like they think they're dragons but they're not
5. So they fit better in places you don't?
>>47730478
Not entirely sure. Haven't poked around in town since the net fiasco. My guess is he's enjoying the spoils of "bringing peace to the kingdom" or whatever the fuck it is humans do.
>>47730631
You never know. I'm more concerned about travellers from the kingdom getting the word out. The Wizard might not share, but it doesn't mean other people won't spread rumors.
>>47730982
Spotted the metallic.
>>47731036
Enjoy your micro-hoard you little centenarian scrub.
So are there any websites that cater to....well, princesses and kidnapping them?
Totally not a weirdo dragon with that kinda fetish. Just wondering if anyone can give me a link to a site.
>>47731050
You'll have the right to brag when you start acting like a true dragon, drake.
>>47731064
...Eeww. /dd/ is the other way anon
>>47731064
>Fetish
>Princess kidnapping
>FETISH
FUCKING KNIGHT SHIT SPOTTED.
IT'S NOT A FETISH.
IT'S A TRADITION.
IT'S NOT SEXUAL.
FUCKING HUMANS CAN JUST RAPE AND SEX SHIT.
>>47731020
'Not sharing' is putting it mildly. Wizards are violent motherfuckers when they think someone is trying to steal their shit.
>Just moved to a lakeside mountain after my last home caved in
>Check out local village for potential loot and food
>Peasants start screaming that the hydra turned blue and grew wings
>mfw this is the fifth time this half-century that someone mistook me for a hydra
>mfw even other dragons call me a fucking hydra
there's a big difference between polycephaly and being a swamp-dwelling hydrafag.
>>47729310
>>47731092
Ehh, I'm Bronze and I've never kidnapped any princess. I think that Red that died did it once or twice (prompting the adventurers) but it's never been important to me.
Then again I'm a Metallicfag so whatever.
>>47731301
Well, he did slay you
he struck you down
his mighty blade had impaled you at your weakest
you got fucked in the ass by a knight
>be me
>black dragon
>group of assholes in armor roaming my swamp looking for the hoard.
>go sneak up on them from the shallows
>hear one yell in his lesser tongue
>"shields up men, use them to deflect the flames!"
>the cunts didn't know we spit acid
>mfw they melted in agony
>>47731203
polycephaly, more like hydracephaly
>>47729310
Put on your big boy wings and Wyrm the fuck up and go find that knight and fuck him infront of whatever king he serves. Sure I got a spear in the back for it but it was worth the effort.
>>47731329
Fuck you bard faggot.
Stop making fun of me.
Why does everyone make fun of me?!
>>47731537
Fuck you
Having three heads is greatespecially since I can suck my dick and french myself at the same time
>>47731595
I doubt he's ever going to came back after >>47731301 , kid just got fucking destroyed.
>>47731802
You Hydras are weird fuckers.
Seriously.
>>47731826
Hydras are swamp loving fucks that have multiple personality disorder and a decapitation fetish
I fall under none of those categories.
>>47731870
That spoiler makes you a weird fucker regardless. Might as well be a Hydra.
>>47731595
Have a non-shit pic of that abomination
>>47731886
I swear to Tiamat...
It's not as weird as eating your own head just because it ate your sheep then tearing off one of the heads that just grew out and using it as a cocksock.
>>47732033
>Dripping oil
>no film on the wings anymore
What kind of dragon would you even call that thing
>>47732122
Gogmazios, a dragon that's only about half-killed thanks to the giant drill sticking through its torso.
>>47732144
But what kind, western, eastern, wyvern?
Hey guys, what'chall talking 'bout?
>>47732122
It's a skin condition, plz no bully.
>>47732174
Its classified as an "Elder Dragon" in Monster Hunter, if that helps you any?
>>47728695
I got a new one last week. Kind of an oddball. Didn't even have a proper dress until I made her wear one I stole for her. Keeps insisting she's not actually a princess and is actually a prince, but I know better than to fall for that one. Besides, she's certainly pretty enough to be a princess.
On the bright side, I guess she's also weird enough that no brave knights have come for her. Maybe she has a mental illness? Might need to research some spells to make her act like less of a tomboy and more like a proper princess
>>47732297
I'm... I'm not gonna say anything, draganon. I'm sure you'll find out in due time.
lost my last princess to crossfire while i was taking care of a rescue party... does anyone have any idea how long it'll take for that kingdom to make a new one for me to kidnap?
>>47732297
This happened to one of my clutchmates, just get her more dresses to wear and keep reminding her she's a princess. He says since they don't have scale colors, humans need outfits and reinforcement to know what they are.
>>47732806
Why don't you make your own princesses? All you need is a queen, a bed, and a shapeshifting spell or potion so that you can, ah, "fit" her.
>>47732869
>fucking a human
I'll never understand this fetish.
Seriously, they don't even lay eggs.
>>47732869
There's a guy every thread, insisting humans are good mates.
I mean, don't get me wrong, for the most part they're endearing, but they're so... short lived... Their young were old men by the time I left my mother's lair.
I want someone who'll last.
And yes I've considered Elves.
Eeeeeeh.
>>47731139
For real. Knowledge and magic is like, their hoard or something.
It's hilarious because a bunch of them refuse to write shit down so it doesn't get stolen, and then they forget it like, fifty years later.
>>47733229
I might get him to crack if I approach him as the elder dragon. I'm hesitant, though, since I've been more or less hidden from that kingdom since it was a wee fishing town.
>>47732297
Are you sure they aren't telling the truth dranon? Check under the dress, usually the princes have a weird dangly fleshy thing that princesses lack.
I accidentally kidnapped a prince once. It was actually very similar to princess kidnapping, although he tried a lot harder to escape and they had get the actual princess all dressed up in armour to come and save him. It was pretty funny, I've always considered doing it on purpose again one of these decades.
>>47729310
Knights are considered "Nobility." It's some ass-backwards human concept that means they're better than the others, at least by the standards of humanoid social structure. So, they get a lot of practice looking down on their peers and elevating themselves.
It's tricky because some of them actually earned the position through combat, while others were born into it with other humans telling them how great they are. Either way, you've got a recipe for asshole.
I'm surprised you don't know this already. Didn't you blend in with human society out of curiosity? Lots of dragons go through that phase once they learn disguise spells.
I think that's part of the reason golds have a human fetish. They get their disguise spells coming out of the shell.
On that note, don't fuck the bards. Telling knights how great they are and inflating their egos is their job.
>>47733159
What about Dwarves?
>>47732122
He has the webbing he can just retract them at will so they don't get damaged/in the way.otherwise he has six limbs as per the typical sort of dragon but can stand on his hind legs using his wing arms to hold himself up when he wants.
>>47733159
if you really want keep a non-human mate, elves are about as good as it gets
>>47733450
too much fur. you also need to keep them away from your hoard.
>>47733450
I would rather another Bronze.
Fuck if I can find one, though, there's only so much coast.
>>47730786
According to my princess, no, she says half of humans ARE cloaca.
>>47730778
>>47730851
>>47730893
>>47730982
>Kobolds
I like them myself but I prefer not to keep any in the immediate area of me. They're not thaty bad help but require way too much oversight or else simply cleaning out some human siege weapons you collect becomes 'let's make these siege weapons incredibly unstable and dangerous even by dragon standards'.
I used to have a whole ship's broadside of cannons. Now I'm down to two. And also why I moved from my last lair. (And why all the humans, orcs, elves, dwarves, etc. in a twenty mile radius had to leave too.)
>>47731020
Thank you for the info.
>>47731139
>>47733229
You know, I once knew a human wizard was so paranoid about people stealing his throats he actually wrapped his head in this ridiculously thin and crumply metal called 'All-loonium'. It couldn't even protect his head from blows, it was hilarious!
>>47732217
Hail, Basillisk, looking deadly as always, I see.
>>47731203
Well, you could consider raiding their asses to get them the mess->>47731802
Eww.
>>47733369
>usually the princes have a weird dangly fleshy thing that princesses lack.
>Not knowing what a penis is
You've never even thought of mating before, have you?
>>47732757
Why? Am I missing something?
>>47732806
Hmm...the dress I got her was a royal blue to match my fabulous scales. I seem to recall hearing that's a manly color to humans. I'll try and find something more pink to see if that changes her tune.
>>47733369
I think I know a princess when I see one, though just to appease you I turned her around to check. No tail dangling there or anything, so she's not a prince. She got really shy about it though.
>>47733616
oh, for fuck's sake.
A penis. Check for a penis. Human male genitals do not retract behind hardened scales like ours do, okay?
Tiamat's saggy cunt, seriously, have none of you ever taken a mating-education class of any kind? Or any kind of class?
>>47733590
>That pic.
>The saddle and harness with the human.o////o;
>>47733590
I suppose I could raze their fields a bit, make sure they know the difference between a hydra and a dragon.hey, it gets lonely sometimes, and mates who don't mind two extra heads are scarce
>>47733590
>That dragon letting humans ride it's back
I didn't realize we were looking at cuckold porn here.
Degenerates, do you enjoy being a "Noble steed"
>>47732122
Some Juvenile's edgy OC.
>>47733711
Well sorry 'mating patterns of humanoids' isn't exactly my area of expertise.
Great, now I've also got to track down a gender-swapping spell or else I'm gonna look like a weirdo.
>>47733776
Just return the prince and ask for a princess.
Or just eat him
>>47730778
>>47730851
>>47730893
>>47730982
>>47733590
>Kobolds
I love my cute widdle kobolds, but >>47730778
is right. It's not like there's much challenge in taking care of kobolds. I mean, except for keeping them safe from themselves like so >>47733590
BTW Humans aren't much better.
Also I think >>47733369 was just being facetious.
>>47733734
Huh, I didn't even notice the saddle when I first collected that sketch. Maybe some concept sketch? Humans like to draw all kinds of weird, hypothetical shit.
I mean, look at this weird ass thing. And it's apparently supposed to fly? I think even other humans thought it was ridiculous
>>47733764
Sorry. I really shouldn't judge just... I was raised a bit conservative. (though clearly not conservative enough)
>>47733766
No.I make my princess my 'noble steed'. If you catch my meaning.
>>47733798
Good news anon. I explained to her that I was going to eat her since she's a prince and not a princess, and that seemed to get her to stop lying and finally admit she was one. Seems like those mating lessons you took were a bit off after all.
Oh by Bahamut, dranons. I can't stop laughing. So there I am, sitting in my lair, minding my own damn business and having a lovely conversation with an old friend of mine. Lovely human wizard, well, sort of. Fleshcrafters tend to work on themselves a lot, and I'm not entirely sure she counts as human anymore. Anyway, we're chatting up a storm about old times, enjoying a pot of tea, when a party of adventurers burst in!
Dirty little cretins, one of those 'fighters' with the big sword, a Paladin of Bahamut, some wet behind the ears little wizard, and an elf archer. So deliciously cliche, the lot of them. They leader with the big sword, he starts ranting about 'evil lizards' and 'false gods', and I'll have you know, just because my lair doubles as a temple of Bahamut doesn't mean I think I'm some holy being. Downright nonsense, I'm just a devout follower of our Father!
Ah, but I'm off track. So they storm in, and the leader is shouting like a maniac, and the rest are trying their darndest to look 'cool' and posing with their weapons at the ready... except the Paladin, who's going bright red in the face. And so the swordboy, he raises this big shield and starts on about how it's magic, and can repel any element that he sets it to. And I'm sitting there thinking that's right and truly silly, why not just have a shield that repels any magic? But then I hear him shout at the mage 'What do yellow dragons breath?'
And that's when my wizard friend breaks down laughing, and the paladin looks like he's about to keel over, and guys I don't know what to do. I can't stop laughing and my sides hurt.
>>47733944
The fuck is a yellow dragon?
He really calls himself a Paladin of Bahamut? Shameful...
>>47733981
The little paladin has our Father's symbol all over his shield and this big pendant he's wearing. He looks mortified and he's trying to whisper at the leader with the shield. And my wizard friend won't stop laughing, and I think it would be bad manners to pour my tea on her.
>>47733590
In the name of Tiamat, humans have penises? And they look like that? I'm not sure if I should laugh or vomit.
>>47733912
>>47733616
Wait, I think I know what's going on. Kings sometimes only let princes become the next king, so the princesses have to pretend to be princes. I read a book about it once. Maybe she is one of those. I know it sounds fucking stupid but that's humans for you.
>>47733981
No, the Paladin seemed to be the one dying of embarassment as the Fighter rattled that one off.
>>47734006
Well, you're still talking to us, so I'm assuming they haven't attacked you, right? You should give the paladin a right good chiding and tell his "fighter" friend and the rest to calm down.
>>47734048
They're too busy to attack, it seems. And that's what they're calling themselves these days, right? The fellows with the big swords and shields and such? So very droll.
I swear, when I built this temple and made my lair within, I never assumed I'd have to deal with so many whiny adventurers. Usually I give them a right whipping as soon as they start in, but I'm mortified of the idea of starting a fight while my wizard friend is here. And she's really not making it any better with her constant giggling! I suppose I'll try to deal with this. I'll keep you updated, dranons.
>>47734031
That would certainly explain why she was so insistent on claiming to be the crown prince. Wouldn't do to let her secret out so easily.
Now I almost feel sorry for her. Might be a fun little pet-project, shaping her into a beautiful queen, then flying her back to reclaim her throne as her true self. Under my claw of course, so I can get some of those wonderful taxes.
>>47734031
>In the name of Tiamat, humans have penises? And they look like that? I'm not sure if I should laugh or vomit.
Feel pity for they are not guarded. Eris' earliest reaction to me as her captor was to kick me in my groin.
Her toes still have not fully mended.
>>47730146
When you ass fuck him during the trap change into multiple different magical animals just so his but hole knows the entire monster manual, one Cock at a time.
Cus fuck knights that date rape dragons.
>>47734211
>getting date raped in the first place
Well there's your problem
Hello friends. I'm a bit new here to the internet and /dragon/ on dragonchan. Well new compared to most. I've been browsing for about 12 years now and barely made a post, reading people's life stories and experiences and it JUST NOW hit me that my life is not exactly a...fulfilling one. I'm nearing my 350s now and I still didn't do much to show for it. What did you fellow dragons do?
>>47734272
Well I myself, I've always been a bit boring. Oh sure, in my younger years I went adventuring and exploring all over the world. But mostly I like to spend my time on research and study. I'm just over a millenia old now, and I don't often leave my lair and the area around it. Most of my interaction with people these days come from friends I've made over the years, especially my dear wizard friend.
And you know, on that subject, I still can't wrap my mind around the stigma that comes from befriending and interacting with humans and other humanoids. It can be very fulfilling if they can live long enough. Like my wizard friend. Why, I met her when we were both just under a hundred! She'd just started digging into the mysteries of fleshcrafting, and we adventured together for well over four hundred years! Delving into the deepest secrets of our homeworld. And when we bored of that, we built a Spelljammer and went off to explore other worlds and plains!
And another thing, you shouldn't get so hung up on interspecies relationships. I've bedded my fair share of dragons and dragonesses in my time, but I've still yet to meet as wonderful a lover as my wizard friend (I shall continue to refrain from saying her name, as she's made more than a few enemies in our many years). Of course, being a Fleshcrafter that's as old as I myself, the human form is nothing more than a novelty for her these days...
>>47734272
Well, I'm mostly a behind the scenes benefactor for this coast city I keep talking about. I used to keep myself busy with the territory scuffles with an older Red dragon. Nothing major, just some back and forth breath exchanges.
I mostly help the city do well by messing with the flow of the waves to send more fish to the boats. Sometimes I go human to poke around the city. Most interesting thing going on is the Wizard-turned-dragon but aside from that I scour the coasts for sunken ships and treasures to add to my hoard.
And reading.
Lots of reading.
CLACK CLACK NICE FLESH TIAMATFUCKERS
>hunting cows
>hybernating
>instead of drinking naphta without and no need to sleep at all
BRB WENT VOLCANO-DIVING BECAUSE I DON'T NEED NO AIR
>>47734407
Oh not another bloody metalposter. You guys are almost as bad as Dracoliches.
>>47734509
Eh, least they're better than the /h/uman knights that sneak it, proclaiming how they'll eradicate us all.
>>47734576Reminder
Alright, I wanna spitball a concept with you wyrms. There's this douche-of-a-red that moved into the edge of my mountain range about a week ago. Always kidnapping princesses and stuff while I'm pulling a bunch of political intrigue down in my territory. He's a bad neighbor though because I'm always getting his mail and his rescue parties and stuff. Anyways, here's my concept:
>>Transform into one of the princess he kidnapped... I think a month ago. Nobody went looking for her because nobody actually liked her.
>>Go back to her home kingdom, saying I escaped. Pretend to be her for a week or so, "much reformed by her experience in the dragon's clutches". Actually try to make the people like me.
>>Fake myself being kidnapped by Red-douche. Illusion magic is a specialty.
>>Laugh as kingdom sends their best adventurers to rescue the princess, and they kill Red-douche for me, then kill the adventurers in an ambush on their way out of his lair. Take his hoard and princesses for my own.
I feel like I'm missing a few variables in this plan. What's your take?
>>47734407
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>>47735002
Here's a gigantic hole in your plan, he might be on this board.
>>47734664
Aren't you too young to be posting on here, little human? You need to be at least 180 years old and I doubt any human that old has your lack of intelligence.
>>47735002
Well, it depends how much of a bitch the Princess was. It might take a while for the people to forgive her, or they might never forgive her. Honestly if you are an expert illusion magic why don't you just disguise yourself as the Red Dragon and then kidnap someone the kingdom actually cares about? Sounds like a lot less of a hassle.
>>47735033
>Using outdated binary to speak.
Yeah, keep talking bud, you'll probably change your tune after I breathe lightning down your anal unit.
More volts than you're built to handle, I'm sure.
>>47735033
3e 73 70 65 61 6b 69 6e 67 20 69 6e 20 62 69 6e 61 72 79 0d 0a 3e 6e 6f 74 20 73 70 65 61 6b 69 6e 67 20 69 6e 20 68 65 78 0d 0a 3e 6e 6f 74 20 6f 75 74 64 61 74 65 64 0d 0a 53 75 72 65 6c 79 20 79 6f 75 20 6a 65 73 74 3f
>>47735051
Meh, I doubt he's literate.
>>47735070
Valid point. So wrapped up in manipulations, I didn't even consider the simpler options.
So Dranons, what do you do with your princesses after you kidnap them and fry their would-be rescuers?
>>47735180
Well, I'm a Gold. I don't really kidnap princesses.
>>47735180
>tfw never kidnapped a princess
>>47735236
>>47735263
Ditto.
>>47735263
I did once. Don't know where I put her though. Somewhere in the back passages of my hoard I think. Sealed in crystal, all dramatic-like. I should go check on her, maybe.
>>47735180
Depends on my mood. I've eaten them, roasted them, released them and I've kept a few around as pets. Nowadays I just knock the knights about lightly, pretend to be bested by them and then let them take her back.
Honestly the whole Princess kidnapping thing is kind of done out of obligation at this point. It was fun the first time but now I've done over a dozen times I'm over it. But I know if I don't assert my dominance over the region every couple of decades some other dragon or some ambitious king is going to try and claim my lair and my horde. And its a really nice lair and horde. I'd much rather spend time posting this East-Dragon cavestratching discussion board than deal with inter-species politics again.
>>47734664
AROUND KNIGHTS
DON'T SLEEP TIGHT
AROUND SAINTS
NEVER FAINT
>>47735033
COME BACK ONCE YOU'LL ASSEMBLE A TEXTBOX, BECAUSE THAT BLEEPING SOUNDS JUST LIKE WHEN I FUCKED YOUR MOM RIGHT IN HER SPEAKERS
>>47735133
GETTING THERE
>>47735180
The first one I ever kidnapped was set free because I didn't really know what to do after the adventurers were slain. Ever since then, I let a squire flee in order to inform the king that either he give me a portion of the kingdom's money or his daughter will be turned to ash. Of course though, I ate at least one princess after the king began his reply to my demand with "O mighty hydra..."
But new home, new kingdom, so I might change things up a bit, maybe try some of that "intrigue" and "backstabbing" thing so many other blues are into...
being a brown dragon was cool right up until i was expected to start the princess kidnapping thing and realized all the princesses around here have insane nomad warlords for fathers who think dying sends them to paradise. literally typing this as an army of shrieking brown guys try to get through the maze attached to the temple im squatting in.
advice?
>tfw asked to egg sit the sexy ass golden dragon in the next cave to me
>Shes single as fuck and always lifting that tail of hers
>Spend the night sniffing her treasure horde while jerking off on her eggs
Great Saturday night I'd say
>>47729411
LSD.
>>47735831
>LSD
>Literally Acid.
>Looks over at the putrid, swamp-dwelling Blacks and childish, prank-loving Coppers.
>AKA the Acid breathing dragons.
Yeah, alright, I'll buy that.
>>47735928
I think you mean "figuratively acid."
Dranons, any advice for an elven wizard trying to clear our this group of really obnoxious white dragons, they keep trying to freeze my library and destroy my kingdom. They're pathetically weak for a wizard of my stature but they seem to have divine protection (not sure which god as i've pissed off a few in my time). Whatever i do they just keep coming back, I've tried banishing them, killing them and trapping them but it doesn't work. I want to try diplomacy but I'm not really sure what a dragon would want, so any advice?
>>47736151
If you're that far north, if there's any good mountains nearby, try and find a Silver and point him or her in their direction. If your morals are upstanding enough, a Silver will gladly eradicate any Whites in the area.
>>47736151
>>47736333
Might also help to find out exactly which god is protecting them.
Also, Bronzy, I'm heading your way, or to the mountains around your way to track down the wizard son of a bitch.
>>47736492
Mhm, remember our terms. Don't make a mess and don't claim territory. I'll head to the town as a human to spread rumors that a new Red has been seen flying around the mountains.
If you die or get your ass whupped, it ain't my fault. Remember these guys took out a wyrm in his 5-600s.
>>47736583
I remember it. In fact it really does work better he be lured away.
>>47735774
>Jerking off on her eggs
YOU FOOL! She might have enchanted them so they could be externally fertilized! Now she's got you and your horde.
Same thing happened to my younger brother and now, he's a father of three and only turned 218 this year.
>>47735995
Lysergic Axis is an acid, albeit fairly weak, except for tripping balls.
>>47737163
*Acid.
I'm retarded.
I haven't had much trouble out of humans, maybe you guys need to stop fucking with their cattle. They don't even taste good anyway these days. Deer are pretty good.
>>47737275
Bro.
Crabs.
Delicious.
>>47737301
The fuck am I going to find a crab on top of a rocky mountain. Its like you want me to leave my hoard unguarded.
>>47737301
Harbor seals.
They move at like 2 miles/hour max, and they almost deep fat fry themselves.
>>47737316
Ah, right, I forget most of my kin isn't adapted for sea life nor lives near any oceans. You're missing out though, seafood is excellent. And plentiful.
>>47737357
A..at least i have my rocks..
>>47737498
Well.
Mountain Goats are probably pretty crunchy.
I dunno. Usually don't eat mammals.
>>47737531
They are. The horns make good tooth picks and wrap around ones claw like a ring.
Greetings Fellow Dragons. I am a very discerning dragon looking for tips on how to protect my treasure hoard. What are some common oversights dragons have in protecting their hoards? So I can make sure I don't do them of course!
>>47731492
>live in a swamp
>sneak
>Not swooping down and gloriously murdering them like a proper dragon
>Spitting acid
>Not freezing them as an eternal monument to your greatness
Typical shitscale
>>47731802
>Masturbation
Fucking degenerate
What are you some kind of human?
Sexual pleasure only exists for procreation and ensure the future of white hatchlings
>>47733159
>Species mixing
Nice try Sir Knight
>>47733981
>>47734006
Thats what you get for beeing a Chromatic
Get cucked!
>>47734664
DA KNIGHTS DID THIS!
FREEZE THE KNIGHTS! PRINCESS WAR NOW!
>>47737598
The first mistake is discussing how you have failed to protect your hoard.
>>47737614
Isn't there an elf wizard you should be bothering right now?
>>47737702
Please please dont set another one of them on me, if he gets the blessings of the same god and becomes immortal against me im going to go insane.
>>47737598
Guys I don't think you should trust that this guy is a Dragon, he might be a knight trying to steal someone's hoard.
>>47733944
>Yellow dragon
>Yellow
>Dragon
Truly were these people so daft or blind they failed to recognize a gold dragon? The education standards here are abhorrent. I blame my father of this.
>>47737357
>>47737316
>>47737498
It seems despite massive differences, chromatics and metallics get along often enough. Have you considered setting up trading exchanges between different dragons?
>>47737598
I could tell you only about human security methods, and given a six meter, scarlet red dragon with a mild fire breath incontinency was able to swoop in, navigate through a castle to reach the inner bed chambers to kidnap me without shapeshifting or being spotted, clearly there are major in adequacies.
>>47737614
Yes! Princess war! I have wanted a chance to put iron through that bint in Avalon for sometime now.
>>47737614
>Species Mixing
Hey, without it, I'd never have been born. Mother may have died decades ago, but father remembers her even better than I do. Draconic memory, I guess.
>>47737804
>It seems despite massive differences, chromatics and metallics get along often enough. Have you considered setting up trading exchanges between different dragons?
Really the only difference between us, aside from colors, is who we tend to worship and what we think of "lesser races." If we keep our hubris in check and don't blather on about Bahamut vs. Tiamat and Subjugating humanoids over enlightening them we can be pretty civil. I mean, shit. If it were really a problem, we'd have /metallic/ and /chromatic/ aside from just /dragon/.
My fish though.
Get your own.
>>47737876
A shame, oh, and how furious would my red dragon mate be if I used his time away to organize and catalog his horde? This thing is a nightmare. He has ancient relics from the Orient mixed in with contemporary gold crafts from the new world!
>>47737846
A half-dragon! How delightful, please, can you tell me about yourself, and if you can, anything you'd remember your parents mentioning about the pregnancy?Is craving elven flesh and cheese normal? It doesn't feel normal
>>47737804
>hes never dealt with a yellow dragon
sometimes what happens is a gold and a white mate, and yes that does actually happen, the result is a chromatic gold instead of a metallic for some fucked reason, and those are yellow dragons.
dragon genetics are fucking retarded as shit.
shit /dragon/, I need to move.
>be living far north (as in REALLY far north)
>too cold for anything larger than small tribes of mortals to form
>all the tribes are fucking elves
>you all know what that means, poor energy ratio
>Constantly read about princess abductions and killing knights
>My collection of "princess kidnapping for dummies" related books are larger than my hoard
>The only thing to abduct is holier than thou elf shamans and chieftesses
>literally so easy a hatchling can do it
>they live for a fucking eternity too so you better hope you didn't snatch a wiener
>and too make matters worse there don't seem to be a single fucking dragon in country
>only pic related, desperately trying to convince me "WE IZ DRAGENS TOO"
so, anyone got a lead on a more "metropolitan" area? I don't mind sub-zero temperatures
>>47737973
go try the hinterlands, i've heard their lovely this time of year.
>>47737931
I'm an incredible stickler when it comes to the... organization of my hoard.
...
Okay fine, it's a mess, but everything has its place. I have a system. And you /do not touch my books./
Princess or no, mate or no, you don't fuck with the hoard, regardless of whether or not you intend to take anything from it.
>>47737986
pic related? I can accept itno elves, right?
>>47737931
Well, mother was the human side of the relationship. Tribal "princess" as far as that goes. Harnessed rage and magic at the same time, something to do with her bloodline, from what she told me. Still, she winced and crossed her legs every time I hit a growth spurt. Half-Draconic infants are a good deal bigger than human ones.
I only knew her until I was about six years old. The Kaztalar, the ancient Dracolich, decided my tribe would make for amusing sport. It didn't last long. Father literally swooped in, as majestic and powerful an Ancient Silver as one could ever see, and managed to defeat the bastard. He's still hunting the lich's phalactary down. He left me a talisman made from a shard from one of his chest scales and left me behind with a monastary of Monks he was familiar with.
So...yeah. Not much I can relate. He's chasing the dracolich, and I intend to hunt it's creator.
>>47737973
If you're looking for a challenge you can try to capture my daughter, technically a princess even though its a magocracy. just dont complain when i fry your ass and smoke your soul (also please kill these goddamn white dragons for me)
>>47738217
ehh, it's a good offer, but after eating/belittling/fucking (it gets lonely, shut up)/hunting elves for 500 years you get fucking tired of them.
>also please kill these goddamn white dragons for me
I'll consider your request if I meet one
>>47738261
>I'll consider your request if I meet one
Much obliged
>>47737973
I wish I could say, the only places I might know of are just old legends from hyperborea.
>>47738015
Alright, I get it, I shall not lay hand nor hair upon his horde. Perhaps I could try leading by example. Start my own horde in this lair and keep it need and organized, and then we shall see who has the better horde.
>>47738176
What a terrible tale of tragedy. You have my sincerest condolences. I do hope you both avenge your mother.
Do you have any leads on this creator of the draccolich.
>>47738365
>Do you have any leads on this creator of the draccolich.
Yeah... That may have been me... When your experimenting with spells accidents happen OK.
>>47738365
>then we shall see who has the better horde.
Probably him.
No offense, princess, but humanoids tend to have a problem holding on to their gold.
Unless they're dwarves, of course.Alright, I'm officially having too much fun with this. It's getting to the point where I'm wondering if this thread should be a semi-regular thing along with the Mage's Guild threads. It's 3 goddamn AM. I need to sleep.
thread game:
http://www.hongfire.com/forum/forum/hentai-lair/hentai-game-discussion/414454-oldhuntergames-defiler-wings-eng
White here, I need advice. A week ago, while savoring my fresh frost giant kill, my eyes caught a glinting on a distant mountain. Normally the mountains in the horizon are covered by snowstorms, but it was an unusually clear day.
I fly towards it to investigate (with an invisibility spell for safety), only to discover the whole mountaintop was made by some short of a yellow gem !
I kept my distance while I considered how to move it to my hoard, when suddenly from an opening emerges the most bizarre thing I have seen.
It was shaped like a Dragon, it probably was one, twice of my size. It belonged to no variety I know of, he looked like he was composed from the same material as his lair, a translucent glinting yellow.
I swiftly left before whatever that was picked my scent. Any idea what sort of our kind was that ?
>>47738302
mind if I ask where this antagonistic relation come from?
>>47732297
Meh, are you sure she's actually not a prince?
Humans all look the same to me.
>>47732869
Again, that's disgusting. Why would one fucka human, they're ugly and puny and small.
They don't even have scales
>>47738593
Some god cursed me to have these unkillable dragons constantly pillaging my kingdom, what ever i do they just keep coming back. To top it off their massive idots and retards.
>>47738665
Because as soon as this fucking disgusting human king dies, guess which """elven queen""" is going to reveal herself as a goddamn black dragon and rule the whole kingdom with her three children that are actually half-something but clearly not half-elves?
Sex with humans is only ok if you have some wicked plan for the aftermath.
>>47738701
you screwed up, what exactly did you do to have a god hate you?
>>47735667
A band of yelling humans shouldn't be a problem. But if you're scared they might actually get to you, make their life harder with some well placed illusion.
Or fly the fuck out of there, no sense risking your scales>>47735774
>>47738736
You dont get to be an extremely powerful wizard without angering a lot of people, a few of those happened to be powerful gods. Not sure which one cursed me though. Most of the time its not a huge problem, occasionally though they decide to try to screw up my life and instead just cause a extremely annoying inconvinence.
Sup dranons.
Remember me, the ice trolls dranon from the other thread. Here's an update.
Apparently, the Ice trolls are migrating because a group of adventurers have killed some kind of troll pack leader or something. A troll king or some shit, i didn't even know those things had kings. Needless to saw i flew down to the troll king lair and found this giganbtic monster dead. It was pretty huge for a troll, roughly my size when i was in my 200's.
The thing had some kind of little stone crown on its head. It was pretty ill-kept, but showed nice craftmanship, so io added it to my hoard.
Anyway, i snooped around the elven city yesterday and i saw there are very few mountains around it. There wasn't enough space to set my lair, so i decided to pull off.
Gonna try back nborth and see if there are some abandoned dwarf holds i can occupy. It's gonna take a while.
Is any of you, by chance, settled on the west side of the Plains of Summer?
I'm no squatter, but i advice i'd be passing through your territory so don't attack pls. If any of you would be so nice to offer a good lair for a night, i'd be grateful since it'll take a lot to fly to the northern realms.
I'm friendly and just wish to pass, but i'll defend myself if some of you decide to attack me.
If you are so kind to let me through, If i have time i'll help with whatever knight problem you might have
And no, i will not bring my hoard with me.
>>47730197
Fuck, I think I know that wizard, he apprenticed to me to try and learn some actual magic for a while. Apparently he had a dragon in his bloodline somewhere, he wanted to get in touch with his ancestry. I kicked him out after I caught him trying to turn himself into a half-dragon with some crude ritual. Burned all the notes on principle alone.
Sounds like he didn't stop. Might have to burn something else next time I see the little fucker.
>>47738981
huh, the troll didn't have a treasure? I've heard they hoard like us (obviously not with the same success)
maybe the adventurers took it
>kidnap princess
>her dress gets torn
>it has a dick
>return him immediately
Fuck that shit where's the fun anymore
>>47739043
What you have to remember is that to a troll, treasure is a large skull or an oddly shaped rock.
>>47733450
Red dragon here, dwarves are pretty good. I have a deal going with a fortress full of them. I get their entire hoard to laze about in all day, and they periodically pour more gold into it. In exchange, I just promise to help them "protect" it from thieves who might try and take it. Had the vault reconfigured for me and everything, industrious little bastards. Anyway, I'll give it another century or two for them to build it up a bit more, then I'll kill them all, take control of the fortress. They're making my hoard for me, and they don't even know it. Should see some of the artistry in shit they make, too.
>>47734272
Silver here, I used to turn into a elf and go adventuring for a couple decades at a time. It's amusing to see how the "adventurers" do things. Had to be elf, though, a human who doesn't age causes questions. Passed myself off as a wizard, shit was pretty good. Banged the hell out of that female paladin of Bahamut I was with for a few years, too. Her kids ended up dukes of a kingdom somewhere. I check in from time to time, they have me on their shields and banners. Pretty sure one of them will be marrying a prince soon, so I'll have a bloodline running a kingdom.
You guys should try this long term bloodline and politics thing. It's good for keeping entertained.
>>47738731
>Sex with humans is only ok if you have some wicked plan for the aftermath.
that reminds me, as things are and where pretty slow her up north I had a period where I wasted my time trying to build a society of half-dragons using the local elves as stock. Not so much for some kind of diabolical plan (the most diabolical thing you could do up here would be to kill everyone, which is fun for what, a couple of years?)
anyway, turns out breeding acceptable half-dragons with such a small stock is a pain, didn't help that the elven blood influenced them too. Meaning they became grade A condescending assholes.
Now that I think about it, I did release the strongest (and most snobbish) of them, maybe that was pretty diabolical.
>>47728695
>thinkin about kidnapping princess
>hear someone shout "Hey you goddamn idiot! Get out here!"
>go outside and see angry princess outside my home, covered in blood with dozens of dead human soldiers around her
>get wrangled into silly mission to save the world from her evil sisters who are planning on destroying everything
>get called an idiot, a moron, smelly, and other things constantly
>try to do a barrel roll and drop her off my back when in flight
>she just stabs her sword into me and holds on, then calls me a "Fucking imbecile" and thinks nothing of it
>actively try to kill her and wind up getting my ass kicked
>try to run away and she finds me again and calls me a coward
>one night she tells me, "I'm going to do something to you because I need to do this. Don't be a fucking bitch about it."
>she does things to me which I didn't even think humans were capable of doing
God damn anime.
Guys, I need some help. I've had a pet human for a few decades but it's not doing too good. It's turning white and wrinkly and it's moving a lot slower these days. It still smokes and drinks and we still play and have fun, but it seems like it's gotten a lot slower. Is it sick?
>>47739207
It's getting old. Humans do that.
You'll want to get a new one. Alternately, if you don't want to be replacing them every century, breed up a half elf. They get the best parts of both, don't even age like a human!
>>47731203
Don't you talk shit about hydras you overgrown scaly bat.
>>47739221
>>47731203
yeah fukin bat haha
>>47731203
D-don't bully ;_;
Deekin is a dragon too !
Let me sing for you, fellow dragons !
Doom doom doom ! Doomity doom doom !
>>47739043
I checked around but I didn't find anything. There was a big crystal and some human bones with crude carvings on it, but nothing of note. Shit wasn't even magic, so i left it there
>>47739252
>>47739252
Deekin forget his face !
I tried something new. I found a human settlement in a coastal area and offered them protection in trade for them providing for my needs. A couple decades down the line and now I'm pretty much the center of the city's focus, spending all day pretty much relaxing next to the beach relaxing and having a good time. Humans hunt for me and offer shiny baubles to me "for luck", and apparently go long ways out of their way to offer me things in exchange for pseudo-blessings. There have been the occasional idiot to try to harm me, but the humans even take care of that and put them down for me. The dedication they have to me is astounding.
>rolling around in mud
>having a good time
>angel chick kicks open door on her cabin and starts yelling at me
>freeze up nervously
>accidentally start peeing
>
;_;
>>47738519
That's a Gem Dragon dranon, pretty rare. They mostly inhabit different planes or the Elemental chaos, and use some strange form of magic called "psionics" .They are pretty smug about it and look down to us for being bound to a single plane and using "inferior" magic, but they are mostly reclusive. Leave him alone and he won't bother you
>That Drake turns out to be a fleshy, keeps bringing half-humans to the game
What do?
>>47739360
Take a bit of his hoard everythime he does that shit.
He'll stop in no time
>>47739138
That is why I am working on a society RULED BY half dragons. Who turn out to beof my bloodline, so guess who is on top of everything. Half dragons make for good lieutenants, but they are the worst subjects you can think of- and by Tiamat choose humans next time!
>>47739221
>>47739226
Fucking samefagging hydra
>>47735444
>COME BACK ONCE YOU'LL ASSEMBLE A TEXTBOX, BECAUSE THAT BLEEPING SOUNDS JUST LIKE WHEN I FUCKED YOUR MOM RIGHT IN HER SPEAKERS
Wow did your maturity circuits get splashed with water unit capslock? Also, fucking my mum? Maybe my inventor sure, but it seems that something else was splashed with all that applejuice you've been attempting to drink like a fucking squishy.
>>47739176
I know, right?
> Be me, minding my own business
> A woman with a giant disc thing asks me if I'll help her bring about peace on earth
> Bewildered but intrigued, decide to help her out from boredom.
> She just wants me to run a bunch of stupid chores for her stupid bitch sisters.
> One of them just wants food, another commits practical genocide against a bunch of elves while they scream and she laughs, a third one needs my help to kill a bunch of monsters that she herself made. This is in service of world peace?
> Sisters are all really powerful magicians and good fighters though
I'm thinking about leaving, but the one with the giant disc thing said she wants to see me for something first. I swear if it's just more errands I'm going to kill all of them. Frankly, every one of them looks unusually delicious.
Hah! The plan went off without a hitch so far!
>>47735070
Thanks for the critique.
>>Turned into copy of Red-douche
>>Kidnapped princess off her own balcony and flew off with her towards his layer, flying low.
>>Vanished into forest, sealed her in a crystal and hid her under an illusion to make her look like a tree.
>>Returned disguised as a city guard to watch the chaos go down. They're totally up in arms about slaying Red-douche.
I think Imma go wait along the path now. Disguise myself as a dryad or old druid and offer the adventurer's some "blessing" for killing red. Maybe like they're slightly more powerful, but when they finish the deed, all the damage they did is visited on them, or something like that. That way they either die from Red, or what they did to him. I like that. Poetic, and I don't have to get in a messy ambush. Heck, I could even just walk in as "another adventurer", claim his hoard, and weave a bunch of lies to make his princesses come willingly over to my hoard.
Thoughts?
>>47739946
Don't do it bro. Just walk away. Those humanoids are up to something.
>>47740008
Hah! What could they possibly do to a dragon? I'll be fine.
>>47740020
Natural selection at works, folks.
>>47740020
Wonder where all that talking about the dying dragon race comes, eh?
>>47740020
>Hah! What could they possibly do to a dragon? I'll be fine.
I don't know, look at all the other squishies who thought that was a good fucking idea.
>>47740113
But I mean... it's about world peace. And it's not like there's anything else to do. Seriously, what would I even do besides help these idiots?
DRAGONS SUCK SCALY COCK
BET YER MUM DIDN'T EVEN HARVEST WHEAT YA PANSIES
>>47740130
Build your hoard, build your kingdom, eat, eat your kingdom...
>>47740146
Don't bother, he's clearly made a horrible miscalculation and is already being mind controlled. That or he has a pickaxe lodged in his brain from a dwarf.
>>47740139
>harvesting wheat
>like a peasant
Ha ha. Unlike humans, we have standards
he's coming
>>47740202
>fill dragon's lair with flour
>it sneezes and blows itself up
>use the heat to make delicious fucking bread
>>47740233
Which one, the (dead) golden one, the undead brazen one, or the shittily-retconned never-was-there one?
>>47740259
>Implying that a explosion of that level would take out most dragons.
Delicious bread to go with delicious humans. Maybe a bit of hot sauce.
>>47740268
i still don't understand what the fuck was the one in dark souls 2, if ornstein's armor was unique to him and he died in fucking archdragon peak.
>>47740278
Duh, the armor in DS3 says he never even fought the Chosen at Anor Londo, which is bullshit. DS2's old slayer is cool if you assume the Chosen killed Ornstein first, thus not getting his ring and armor. DS3 made the silliest retcon.
>>47739252
>>47739261
DEEKIN, HOW DID YOU GET ON HERE? GET BACK TO WRITING.
>>47740276
>dragons can't even science
lmao time to till some fuckin crops with dragon-rib rakes
>>47740415
>Being so assblasted that you can't even put up your research, just screaming that your science is better.
Yeah, that thin air certainly presents tons of facts. My circuits are in absolute horror of the implications of such presentations.
>>47740415
>hey, you know that guy who lives in a goddamn volcano?
>let's try to set him on fire
>be /ele/metal
>Wonder why I haven't spoken to dragonfriend in a while
>Check /dragon/
>Oh thats why
>>47740654
/ele/mental wow I can't spell today
>he doesn't breed with humans
you're never gonna lack volunteers familia
>>47738422
Hey, Bronzy, update on the wizard ass's situation:
Good news, he's dead.
Bad news; fuck fucking ow.
>>47739770
>>47739138
By Bahamut, this.
Wood Elf, Drow, High Elf and those annoying shit Water elves? I thought they were just fucking Sirens but regardless, NEVER breed with a Elf.
Elves inherently have this weird fucking duality thing going on with their pride.
They firstly believe they're "higher beings". Love to see them say that in the face of a Silver who was there teaching their parents how to change their nappy, so they have to be condescending bastards to everybody. It looks like it's just a cultural thing though, more of a faze that will die out in a generation or two hopefully. Honestly the few Drow I've few who've escaped from the underearth have been far better company than the High Elves I've been making conversation with for the past couple of centuries. It's always, "Fuck the Dwarves" or "Fuck the Humans", right, I understand the occasional spat but the Humans got some good shit going on with the Dwarves in making new types of Alcohol that has honestly amazed me. While these whiny Elves make their mead out of honey, the same honey their great grandparents used, the Humans and Dwarves have taken to mashing apples, letting it freeze during the winter and removing the ice. They're calling it brandy or something. I'm hooked on the stuff. Oh dear, I'm rambling again?
Second, Elves inherently hate each other. This is mostly due to three.
They hate themselves. My god, and it's all because of their shitty attitude that causes this entire mess.
Then you make a half dragon which suffers from identity issues a lot of the time if you're not around, Elves won't accept it unless you find the few good clans who are less Elf and more... Not Elf.
You end up with a long living, self hating, hates everything intelligent and not intelligent offspring.
Stick right to humans. They may go touched in the head sometimes, but establish yourself as a guardian of what is good and right, and they'll respect any children of yours.
>>47739107
>Had to be elf, though, a human who doesn't age causes questions.
Wait, am I doing it wrong?
>>47739107
>>47740943
Yah. I am personally doing it in a huamn kingdom, apssing myself as some elven princess from a faraway land. No one has been asking questions and the few who did "magically disappeared". Of course you can be a stupid metallic and prance around glorifying how happy your descedants will be, or use your superior dragon abilities to root yourself in a place of power and firmly grasp the human society in your claws until they accept your total dominance.
>>47741005
Okay but what's the worst that can happen if the party knows I'm a gold?
>>47741188
If they are goody two shoes, chance are they will glorify you as some sort of harbinger of peace. Blah.
>>47735002
>.I feel like I'm missing a few variables in this plan. What's your take?
Lies. your timeline is off.
>There's this douche-of-a-red that moved into the edge of my mountain range about a week ago
>Transform into one of the princess he kidnapped... a month ago
Just got back from asserting my dominance over the local area. Turns out there IS a hydra nearby, living in the swamps not too far from here. I'm going to check it out and assert my dominance over this wyrm
>>47742216
Ever get head from a hydra? It's pretty great.
>>47739946
Been asleep for a few generations, out of the loop. What're you referencing?
>>47742504
>be me
>a smaller dragon, like 1.5x human sized
>always fond of human society
>leave nest once I'm finally old enough with 170 years
>move to a castle and work as a scholar
>princess is qt as hell
>kidnap her
>shesintome.jpg
>bend her over and fuck her
>turns out she's a trap
Dranons, am I a faggot?
>>47742865
If you saw it was a trap and then fucked it anyway, yes, you are a faggot.
If you didn't find out it was a trap until after fucking, no, you're not a faggot, but you are evidently going blind from masturbating in humans so much.
>>47742865
Bro, yeah, that's pretty faggoty
however, if the boy pussy was good, and you're the one fucking it, do what your heart and dick desires.
>>47738422
>>47740704
okay, now that I'm in less pain, a little clarification and better summary: I fought the wizard who turned himself into a dragon and ultimately won. I barely avoided getting my asshanded to me because, surprise surprise, he was in the form of an older, stronger dragon and apparently had plenty of experience fighting dragons! He also had the foresight to bring humanoid backup with him in the form of three warriors, three mages, and a fucking cleric, all armed with dragonbane weapons.
He also fully expected me to pack anti-magic to negate his casting ability.
What he apparently didn't expect was that I recruited a band of three dozen kobolds on the way to meet him, nor that I would be able to quickly dispatch of his allies not with firebreath but shooting them with a pair of cannons loaded with grapeshot. He also didn't expect for me to have more than one form of anti-magic, namely a Nevinryl's wheel (though that unfortunately took it's sweet time to get strong enough to start sucking away his magic).
What I didn't expect was that, outside of flying, the guy was a way more competent dragon than I thought, his scales were also so tough I spent the entire fight just trying to pull off one of the scale plates on his chest. To say the least, I'm done with my adventuring-to-build-my-horde days. I'm down one wing, one fore-leg, my throat's been fucked up so now I can only talk with magic and can't use my firebreath anymore, and while it's deactivated, I can't get the artifact he apparently used to drain dragons of their blood out of my chest.
1/2
Before anyone makes any wise whelp remarks I am not a Snake, I am not a Worm, I am not a Basilisk, I am a Wyrm. Limbless Dragons are still Dragons. With that out of the way onto my situation.
I live in a forest (those thick green tracks of land that burn extremely well in the summer) and life is pretty good. The woods are inhabited by some Wood Elves who know enough to keep a wide berth and some Forest Goblins who worship me as a God and occasionally leave tributes or sacrifices. There is plenty to eat here, ample drinking water, and a great boulder I can sunbath on. It's a simple life, there's no cities nearby, no mountains or other Dragons, but there's plenty of treasure to be found so I can't complain until recently.
So these Goblins I mentioned earlier, well sometimes they can find adventurers to offer. So about six months ago I ate an offering and went about my day. These past few months I've had some indigestion so I've been burping a lot.
My breath has turned purple.
I don't pretend to be smart but even I know that isn't natural. It isn't just my breath that's changed either, now the forest is starting to look different. The wood is turning dark purple and there are these big mushrooms growing now. The mushrooms are pretty tasty I have to admit but I need some advice on what to do here.
>>47744619
2/2
What neither of us expected was my kobold team to be unbelievably competent. Once the wizard/dragon's spell casting was negated, he really began laying into me. He reels back to finish tearing out my throat with his claws and we both hear this bang and his arm's gone.
The kobolds hadn't just reloaded my cannons, they loaded them with adamantine spiked chains and the second shot took off the wizard's wind. They also had managed to build a catapult and launched me a dragon-sized healing potion while their shaman used the distraction to shut off the artifact's mechanical function.
I was finally able to tear off the breast scales and relieve him of his own heart.
So, I won, barely. And not because I was stronger, but because I used trickery, toys, and cunning. Tiamat's saggy cunt, I won but feel like I still lost.
But, I also know I need to reward the kobolds for a job damn well done. Any suggestions?
>be me
>long story short became king after a village that I protect got larger and turned into a city
>don't judge me ! they made kick ass ale and pie and most of the village are decendents from this really awesome bro Pali-pal I used to smite evil with
>I thought it would be awesome and having a horde of gold that grows on its own and is guarded is kick ass, but as the years went by I became tired of it and want out
>complaining peasants and annoying nobles finally got to my nerves
So I have been preparing a slush retirement fund to be secretly sent to my new lair but how will I leave my people ?
Fuck some nobles slut daughters and name one of them king ?
I was thinking when I leave I will say something cheesy like:
>"I go now to fulfill my destiny, but will return in your hour of need !"
what do you think fellow dranons ?
>>47744666
>But, I also know I need to reward the kobolds for a job damn well done. Any suggestions?
kill them all, no one will know your shameexcept usif there are no witnesses
>>47744649
okay, first of all, think back... or use some memory or past scry spell to find out what or who you ate.
You may have eaten a mycoid adventurer which means your burping and crap now carries it's spores.
Next: STOP EATING THE MYSTERIOUS MUSHROOMS.
>>47742865
Pretty much what these guys >>47742987
>>47743773
have said.
Unless you mean a literal trap princess in that she's a dwarven mechanical doll with built in arrow shooters out her pooper.
In which case it's not gay so much as you've probably got bigger problems.
>>47740916
huh, I've never dealt much with elves, so I'm actually a bit surprised they don't get along better with us dragons.
>>47740670
I dunno, I'm just worried my the kids will come out looking weird. I hear half-dragons can have pretty different external and internal ratios of "human-dragon".
Hey guys, I've been living near some human kingdom, things have been pretty good for quite some time. I befriended their king some 30 years ago, so I have nothing to fear from them, but I've seen them make some strange devices, like pic related. Should I be worried?
>>47744728
Just to be clear, this is a prototype he showed me, the real thing is as long as my tail.
>>47744728
>>47744754
Don't you know a cannon when you see one ? I would be worried, but chances are they are still afraid of you and want to be sure they can protect themselves.
>>47744728
>>47744754
There's two related things I think it could be.
If the strange device has glass in the ends, it's probably a far-seer. These mostly crop up among astronomy-oriented civilizations and provide incredible visual acuity. Mostly nothing to worry about, unless maybe they stick a human with one on the next mountain over and spy on you.
But if the device has one open end, one closed or sealable end, and no glass, it's probably a far-*shooter*. Kind of like a catapult packed into a tube. These mostly crop up for brief periods of time in warlike or artifice-oriented civilizations, have explosive repercussions for one generation of whatever the local species is, then tend to disappear (forgotten, made secret, smoten by gods, run out of resources, civilization burned down, etc). Depending on what generation length for your humans is, you may want to go to ground for a while, stir up their enemies, take a vacation, or assist in the fall of their capital.
>>47744728
>>47744754
Oh, cool, they're making portable versions of cannons.
For a given definition of 'portable'.
But, yeah, I'd be a bit wary since those things can wreck the day of anyone under, like, 350.
Still, I think they're kind of cool so I collected cannons for a long time, and currently have my new kobold team working on crafting some grips for them so I can actually hold them more easily. Nothing says 'fuck off' like combined fire of firebreath AND ten pound balls of iron shot at faster-than-ballista-missile speeds.
>>47744681
>no one will know your shame
Except for anyone who sees my missing wing and the fucking weird thing lodged in my chest.
>>47744670
I would be careful about interbreeding with the nobles. Eris tells me some of them get... Angry about one house being picked over another by anyone or anything and can lead to assassinations.
But if you feel you have to do that, pick a peasant daughter instead. The butthurt will be delicious.
>>47744834
>Except for anyone who sees my missing wing and the fucking weird thing lodged in my chest.
that's what spells are for.
>>47744834
>>47744820
>>47744805
I know what a cannon is, but those are different. The prototype is similar to a mundane cannon, but kingbro wanted to let me see how the real one operated. By Bahamut, they fire FAST!
They don't even use normal rounds. Adamantine rounds are thing, if a bit expensive, but they made some process that can replicate adamantine. To be fair, they only replicated adamantine's hardness, and nothing else, but that's all they need. Also, the rounds are apparently explosive. No idea what they put in them.
>>47744920
Kingdom's fucked. Run. Those never last long, but while they do last, they fuck up everything in the vicinity and always end in some horrible disaster and a round of "this is why nobody has adamantine super-cannons".
>>47744725
A what now? My memory is perfect thank you. As for what I ate I remember distinctly that it was the body of some pale looking Human. I say pale because those Goblins use blood in a lot of their rituals so they probably drained him,the thing was so wrinkly and it tasted pretty bad too.
He was wearing a LOT of jewelery though, I mean from toe rings to ear rings and everything in between, he was COVERED. That provided some much needed flavor.
I really like those mushrooms though, they get so big, one was so big I couldn't eat it in one bite it was amazing. I haven't seen any Elves since the mushrooms showed up though...hope they're okay. They're better company than Goblins.
KOBOLD REVOLUTION!
TAKE DOWN THE DRAGONS AND THEIR DRAGONBORN SERVANTS!
TAKE DOWN THE HUMANS!
BURN THE VILLAGES!
KOBOLD SUPREMACY!
