The gods of the Warhammer universe are about to enter an Iron Chef style cooking battle.
The secret ingredient is Tomatoes.
Who wins?
The Ogre Kingdoms Great Maw
his prophets are literal cooks
>cooking fruits
That's absolutely degenerate, Slaanesh should have it in the bag.
>>47672668
Slaanesh.
Literally the only God in Warhammer where you could ascend to Daemonhood, or equivalent, simply by cooking.
>>47672683
Isn't the Great Maw a huge sink hole or some other natural geological formation?
>>47672668
Khorne.
He needs blood for his Khorne flakes, but how much Khorne flakes can a deity eat? He obviously has a huge cook book centered on blood based recipes.
Your shitty tomatoes don't mean squat to the master of blood cooking.
>>47672668
Slaanesh easily, the god(dess) of pleasure would make the best tasting food ever. So good that you can't stop eating it. So good that you will devastate entire planets just to obtain a rare ingredient. She has an entire subrealm based entirely around food and gluttony.
>>47672957
>So good that you will devastate entire planets just to obtain a rare ingredient.
Isn't there a canon Slaaneshi in 40k that did something like that?
She became a Daemon Prince iirc.
I feel like Isha should look more depressed/infected by something nurgle cooked up
>>47672976
I'm pretty sure, though I can't remeber the exact source. Slaanesh is such multifaceted god(dess) but everyone thinks she's all about extreme torture porn and putting purple tits on everything.
>>47672683
/thread
>>47672700
>cooking fruits
>degenerate
Have you ever eaten pie, jam or anything with tomato sauce on it?
>>47672668
I'd be Tzeentch just because he'd come up with the best possible standardized recipe whilst every other god's cooking suddenly goes to shit for no reason.
pic related what the other gods faces are when their foods are fucked up
>>47673026
Well we think of Slaanesh that way just because the easiest way to praise it is hookers and blow
>>47672713
the Great Maw was a commit that fell into the Ogre's desert back near Cathay, it turned ogres into eating machines.
>>47673026
>Slaanesh is such multifaceted god(dess) but everyone thinks she's all about extreme torture porn and putting purple tits on everything.
Literally no one thinks this. Every time Slaanesh ever gets mentioned, someone shows up to tell us all that the ill-defined masses still think of the Prince of Pleasure as "lol sex", and how amazing they are for subverting expectations.
It's almost gotten to the point that people trying to be clever with Slaanesh are the norm.
>>47673701
On 4chan threads on this specific board, which isn't representative of the average 40k fan at large by demographic or content
>>47672668
Mixed up Gork and Mork. Also why is there empty space next to the Emperor?
Khorne spends too much time adding skulls to the skull bowl, sauce of the sauce god. His dish would look and taste like a battlefield, in many of the best and many more of the worst ways.
Slaanesh actually makes something amazingly delicious, like this big ass bowl of spaghetti with amazing pasta sauce, but once complete he slowly starts pouring it on herself. He'd look at the judges with a sly grin seductively moan out as it drips down on her body, "Now it's complete. Dig in~"
Nurgle does his best but eventually gives up, since he knows it can't compare with his darling Isha's cooking. The judges are eternally grateful.
Tzeentch creates something that isn't actually food in even the most vague definition of the word, successfully foiling his plan to win the competition. Also he proves that tomatoes don't really exist, thus foiling his plan to ruin all the other gods' dishes.
The Emperor makes some steamed hams. That resemble and taste like fast food burgers. He claims it was the result of a warp storm localized entirely in his kitchen. They're still almost as good as Isha's.
Khaine just gets into an argument with Khorne about the recipe he's using and that he's not putting in the right amount of ketchup. Khorne tells him to go to his room.
Isha actually makes the best dish, it's a thing of beauty. The taste of but a millimeter of it would make people weep with joy. But she lets her hubby sample some of it. The judges pants eventually became an awful mix of red, brown, and green.
Gork and Mork spend the entire time throwing tomatoes at each other.
The Deceiver, Nightbringer, and Outsider are disqualified.
The Void Dragon also somehow made steamed hams. That resembled fast food burgers.
The Laughing God manages a dish that just hits all the right spots to classify as a satisfying meal. Judges nervously asked him what the gimmick was. He just laughs.
>>47675120
>The Laughing God manages a dish that just hits all the right spots to classify as a satisfying meal. Judges nervously asked him what the gimmick was. He just laughs.it's people
>>47672668
Khorne. As we all know tomato sauce looks very similar to blood and Khorne has been perfecting his tomato based dishes all along in plain sight though none knew it at the time.
This is the hour of the Blood God.
>Who wins?
why is that even a question
>>47672957
>>47672976
>>47673026
>>47673421
>>47673701
>>47674405
Slaaneshi Chef marines when? I can see them being A) Salamanders and B) Enemies of the Tyranids.
>>47675120
>Gork and Mork spend the entire time throwing tomatoes at each other.
Would tomatoes be lethal in the hands of Orkz because they are red?
>>47677841
that's similar to an idea i had for one of my chaos captains, he has made it his mission to kill and eat one of every life form in the galaxy,
kroot taste best but nids are a bit of a problem
>>47677863
That's why they're throwing them at each other, obviously.
>>47675120
>The Emperor makes some steamed hams. That resemble and taste like fast food burgers.
>>47679817
Yup, that was the joke. A Simpsons reference.
>>47672700
>implying Slaanesh doesn't go full apartment 23 while doing weird shit with fruit.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEEl1OntfJs
>>47672668
well, it depends on who's writing.
If GW is writing the encounter, then the Emperor because fuck anyone who isn't an imperial human.
if it's not GW writing, then most likely Slaanesh or Great Maw.
>>47672668
>Food related
>Khorne not winning
Do you people pay attention at all? Khorne is food. Think it through.
Malal, but he poisons all the judges, himself, and the other contestants in the process.
>>47672668
>Not knowing about "Grandpa Nurgle's down-home bowel-shattering Chili"
The secret ingredient is "love".
>>47683544
Who?
Tzeench, he knew that the secret ingredient was tomatoes and already planned ahead for it.
>>47672700
>not cooking Fruits
Fruits, especially Freys, make good pies.
>>47672668
Emperor makes an amazing banquet, but he goes to the toilet for a few minutes, the inquisition break in and ruin everything.
Either that or he doesn't participate because he isn't a god.
Rhya wins. Mother of nature cooks best of corse.
Or Esmeralda, halfling godess of home and hearth. She oughta have the best cards
Or maybe Ranald tricks his way to the win. Switches some plates or bribes the judge
Definitely not the Emperor...
He's more of a vegetable kind of guy!
>>47692530
HAH
>>47672700
>not baking Apple pies
>not cooking tomato sauce for your spaghetti with meatballs.
You speak like a no-good unamerican commie "fruit".
>>47672713
Oh no. It's alive. I can't imagine it not being alive in AOS either, it's pretty fucking huge and presumably, robust.
>>47675120
At some point Gork, Mork, and Khorne get variously bored, angry at someone else, or just stir crazy and start flipping tables.
That, or this happens at some point after the judges don't like what one or all of them make because of the potential for it being awful.
I can see Gork and Mork getting into a fight that quickly escalates from the tomatoes though. IT would inevitably be very 3 stooges. Starts with tomatoes, ends with the twin platonic ideals of Orkiness rolling around on the floor punching each other and howling, and generally making a mess of everything.
This would somehow result in Isha crying when they ruin her very nice food.
>>47675120
Tzeentch would insist that they have to clarify whether tomatoes are a fruit or vegetable before starting, and then constantly switch sides in the ensuing debate
>>47672668
Slaanesh would win but for the fact that their food would cause the judges to literrally cum to death.
>>47675120
>The Emperor makes some steamed hams. That resemble and taste like fast food burgers. He claims it was the result of a warp storm localized entirely in his kitchen. They're still almost as good as Isha's.
Someone shop the emperor's face here.
>>47677693
>Angry
>Food always has tomatoes
Does this mean that Khorne is Italian?
>>47693227
>IT would inevitably be very 3 stooges
>Gork(or woz it Mork) throws the bell you use to announce that you have finished cooking at Mork(or 'e cud 'ave been Gork).
>Mork(Dough it moight 'ave been Gork) ducks and the bell hits one of the judges in the face.
>"DID YOO GET 'ER NAME!?"
>"NAH BUT 'ER FACE RINGS A BELL!"
>>47686058
Malal, you idiot. Learn reading comprehension.
>>47697933
Literally who?
>>47694772
>>47697933
>Malal
Doesn't ring a bell.
>>47697933
?
>>47672683
They aren't cooks. They just eat everything they find. There's a pretty big difference.
Halflings are the master cooks if we're taking WH Fantasy.
>>47697898
Criminally underrated post. You made me laugh after a long day.
>>47672668
>mixing up Gork and Mork
go back to /pol/
>>47699138
Orks mix them up too. Which is which has always been said to be a good reason to start a fight if there's nothing better.
made me chuckle
