>Describe Mimic as a "odd looking chest with a really big keyhole, as if it wasn't made for a key".
>Chaotic neutral player asks if he can put his dick in it.
>>47470087
I'm so sorry that is the most funniest thing that happened to your group was a dick joke.
I hope you have better humour to laugh at in future.
>>47470087
That's the perfect setup to make sure that's not available as an option to him in the future.
You might have gotten a funny story if you'd let him go ahead with the dick plan.
>>47470087
Speaking as someone who wrote mimic porn for /tg/, I would have to say if he did, he'd get exactly he deserves.His dick glued to a mimic and clobbered upside the head by said mimic.
>>47470087
Less funny, more cute.
>players traveling across the plains, see a tree
>they want to climb it
>first they bet the old jewish merchant five coins he can't make it up there
>he's boasting, says he'll be up there in a jiffy
>healer girl asks for a leaf, he asks for 3 gold in exhange
>he tries to climb, gets almost to the top, then slips and falls
>tries again, fails harder
>farmer kid wants to give climbing a try
>critfails
>loses 4 hp
>everyone laughs at them
>the chill old butler gives it a go
>makes it to the top on the first try
>gets the healer girl her leaf
I love my players so much.
>chaotic evil warlock gets into shit with town guards, they're chasing him down with crossbows
>escapes into nursery and straps the babies to himself, offering protection and preventing the guards from attacking
>gets off scott-free and wears the baby-armor until they starve to death, then throws them through people's windows at night
>>47470307
Richard, is that you?
>>47470087
>ha ha i put my wee-wee in it rofl xD
>funny
One of my group's earlier campaigns before I had as much of a handle on the trap rules I was playing a Kobold scholar.
I found out that the hatch had a shocking grasp trap on it the hard way. Considering the rest of the party consisted of a rogue, barbarian and ranger, my frail Kobold bard was probably the worst person that could have taken that hit, but I was still on two feet.
Not knowing that some traps could reset automatically I describe my character eagerly examining, studying, prodding and making notes about this hatch.
I was zapped again and started dying. Being the party's healer there didn't seem to be much hope, but I reminded my group about the masterwork potion belt at my waist. The DM chided me for speaking while unconscious, and ruled that they would have to roll to determine which was which since I wasn't in the habit of labeling my potions.
No problem, half of them were healing potions.
They begin randomly grabbing potions and pouring them down my gullet. First potion, oil of repair object. Close, but no cigar. Second potion, flask of alchemist's fire... Everyone stared at me as I read it it out. "I, umm... I wanted to be able to draw it as a swift action..."
They poured the fire down my throat, which ignited the oil making a massive blaze erupt from my mouth and scorch my insides. In a panic the barbarian yells, "I piss into his mouth!" The rogue yells, "I start shoving dirt down his throat to put out the fire!" And I proceed to have the most undignified death I've ever experienced.
After the dust had settled the rogue looked forlornly at my corpse and whispered that somebody should say something. The ranger adjusted his cloak and said, 'I cast resist energy."
>>47470427
>it's never the joke
>it's the delivery
>>47470427
>The ranger adjusted his cloak and said, "I cast resist energy."
kek
>>47470307
On the subject of warlocks, I was playing one when the party found a deck of many things. The first card I drew was The Void, but I had already sold my soul to my patron, so nothing happened and I ended up drawing a bunch of the best cards in the deck, making me grossly overpowered in comparison to the rest of the party. We were level 7.
the DM then decided to retcon us ever finding the deck in the first place.
>>47470087
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHa
OOHBOYTHOSECHAOTICNEUTRALS
>>47470099
>>47470355
>>47470601
I'm sorry, my group was rather new to this, so they were just dicking around for the first hour.
>>47470580
The deck of many things is always trouble, but if the DM chooses to put one in they should accept the consequences.
Took over 100 damage from crit failing while opening doors that were stuck or trapped
>>47470620
>they were just dicking around
>>47470355
>Stop having fun wrong
>>47470087
>playing D&D Expert Edition
>Rogue, Cleric, Wizard, Rogue2, and Fighter skulking around the hideout of suspected smugglers/forgers.
>mess around a bit and maintain "stealth" by bashing heads and hiding bodies.
>come up to narrow room with high ceiling and large double doors at the other end.
>sitting on a chair and propped in the corner (but still close to the doors) is the only guard...he's sleeping...and he's an Ogre.
>Rogue pulls out his crossbow.
>sneaks up to Ogre guard and point blanks him in the chest.
>Ogre stunned. Falls from his chair, groggy, wounded, pissed.
>party charges.
>Ogre rights himself.
>Rogue nopes the fuck out of there and shuts the doors behind him, sealing the party inside.
>Ogre pulls a ring from his pocket. Ogre is now invisible. Starts beating face.
>Rogue2 trying to pick lock of double door. Wizard plinks with his sling cuz out of magic today. Cleric and Fighter fend off Ogre while yelling at Rogue.
>Rogue finally comes back into the room.
>Cleric "bends bars/lifts gates" to pick up the Rogue and swing him like a skinny, screaming flail.
>Finally kill Ogre.
>Rogue near death.
>Cleric carries him over his shoulder as an "improvised weapon" for rest of session.
Guess you had to be there.
Well, we were all 14 once.
>>47470087
>"Yes, yes you can. By all means, go ahead!"
>>47470099
>>47470355
>>47470601
>>47472016
If those were the DM's exact words, he had already made the joke before anyone responded.
>Playing Lost Mines of Phandalver
>Party just starting out, find the goblin's hideout
>Tell them that there's a small stream flowing out from the cave
>One player says that water NEVER flows OUT of caves, and he's super suspicious of magic being afoot
>It's actually just a large pool of water in the back of the cave that flows out
>Paladin says "I'll roll a history check to see if I know anything about rivers flowing the wrong way."
>He rolls well so I tell him that he knows that there are times in history that when deities have changed the flow of mighty rivers as a show of power
>The party starts to get worried that they might be messing with stuff beyond level 1 and think about turning back
>Warlock says "I'll take a drink of the water, I don't fear for my own safety."
>He drinks it, I tell him it tastes somewhat like piss
>The ranger gets down and tastes it, rolling to see if he can identify what kind of piss
>It's goblin piss
>The barbarian pushes the ranger in and laughs at him for being in goblin piss
>They start getting into a goblin piss tainted water splash fight
>The monk is having none of this and goes in alone
>Manages to stealthily take out a good amount of goblins
>He messes up once and the remaining goblins go on alert and activate the trap
>They take out the dam in front of the pool of water, a giant tidal wave comes
>Monk gets swept away back to the mouth of the cave
>Party looks at him weirdly
>"Damn, dude. Didn't know you liked goblin piss that much."
>>47470324
>a mountain that eats people
This hole, it was made for me!
>>47472226
Sounds more magical realm than most ERPs I've played.
>>47472395
God damn you anon. I was typing the same thing with the same picture.
>>47472226
That is some pretty fucked up magical realm
FunniEST would be pretty hard to choose, we've had our jabs and jokes. I think the best one was:
>Playing DnD over Skype, because Atlantic Ocean
>Downtime, party-face bard's made tea
>Says it's delicious and to have some
>About to, but notice that the bard is looking a bit more fangorious and murdery than she usually is
>Turns out the tea was made from some magic plan that effects you in an ironic fashion
>Bard had a Fear effect placed on them
>Elf ranger has some, genderbends into a lady since being confused for a chick has been a running joke
>Ranger heads off to get a feel for the new bod, rest of the party kinda awkward about it
>Good chunk of the party tries tea since the ranger doesn't want to take the cure immediately and they're bored
>Wizard gets an unintelligible Scottish-ish accent that prevents verbal components
>Barbarian gets shrunken down to Tiny size
>Fighter also gets genderbent, been very popular with the ladies
>All of them take the cure nigh-immediately
>Ranger comes back, still unopposed to being a gal
>At this point the rest of the party is demanding (s)he take the antidote
>Ranger concedes because doesn't want a 2v6 argument
>They used it all up with their own shenanigans
>Ranger's face when the rest of the party is stuck with him being a lady elf until another batch of rare antidote is cooked up.
And now the ranger has an Alter Self amulet, so he can turn female whenever he wants, because spite and the bard is into it.
>Party trying to sneak into bandit fortress
>The rogue is able to silently kill a guard
>We want to scout the castle, but rogue doesn't want to go alone
>Decide I will wear the guard's clothes to sneak in
>Run into another guard, bluff my way past the encounter
>The rogue brings up the "How do you do, fellow kids" scene from 30 Rock.
>>47470087
>pic related
>>47470132
>and clobbered upside the head by said mimic.
due to the way you worded this, I imagined the Mimic doing horrible things to the end of his pernicus.
>>friends plays a young nobleman fighter, deep in the closet, adventures to prove to himself and his father that he is a manly man.
>>investigates creepy village full of cultists, gets drunk at their harvest festival and flirts with the harvest queen [like a prom queen] to seem straight
>>later that night the harvest queen shows up at camp and whisks him away for a romantic tryst, takes him to abandoned barn. He is super nervous because he's super gay, but doesn't want to admit it so he goes anyways.
>>turns out to be a trap, girl is cultist, family of cultists waiting to subdue him.
>>character's first thought "Well thank the gods I don't have to fuck this chick."
everyone at table laughs, good times were had, player gets stabbed a punch of times but is rescued by other players before dying. My friend doesn't play with us much, and when he does he tends to make kind of sillyish characters, but he roleplays pretty well. Not the funniest moment ever, but memorable.
>>47472226
>>47472523
I can see why people would think this, but i'm assuming the dm just thought it was logical that the goblins would piss in their water trap therefore contaminating the whole thing, rather than pissing all over their cave.
The fact that the party was able to identify the exact type of piss by drinking it is pretty weird, but honestly players are just fucking dumb sometimes, and since its the starter campaign they may be new players, which means they're probably even more dumb.
>>47470099
>dick jokes aren't funny
okay buddy
>>47472336
Oh god.
Okay, dnd story time.
>party (a warrior, rouge and a wizard) starts out on a quest to deliver some goods to a town via caravan.
>party makes small talk along the way. I, the warrior from a rural land tell a light hearted tale of how I lost to a dwarf in a drinking game, and how I came to dept doing odd jobs such as this to pay it off.
>party caravan stops as the path is blocked by debris up ahead and the canyon walls make it impossible to move around it. I volunteer to investigate and walk into the totally not a trap scenario.
>As I get to the pile of rocks, dead horses and broken down carts, goblins spring into action, the first two charge me. Two are on the ridge firing arrows, I take my sword out and charge(roll die, it's a whopping 10)
"With your sword you dice In half a goblin, sending his torso into the air. Needless to say the other goblin is demoralized."
>the rouge is distracting the other two goblins while the wizard shoots fireballs.
"An arrow grazes your ear (rouge). Roll the die for damage."
10+
>you barely escape death.
>goblin corpse land on an archer. They retreat, and we carry on with a barley living rouge.
>homebrew 5e full of nonsense
>be alcoholic 4 elements monk W/ focus on fire
>rest of party consists of fighter, pally and warlock
>enter pyramid fortress to deal with blue dragon shenanigans
>greeted by mummy butlers who are exceedingly polite
>offers party a place to rest, food and drink
>rest of party = itsatrap.jpg. I go right for the booze
>party splits, warlock decides to babysit me
>get to cellar, wall to wall 4 deep of massive casks and barrels. I proceed to sample one
>DM: "make a strength check" fail "you are now grappled" cask is mimic, mimic begins licking monk
>only other character is the cellar master/guy, who the warlock proceeds to sweet-talk
>begin rolling but not saying why. Third roll: 1
>Me:"I panic". DM realizes what this means, begins fiddling with phone
>flame on
>break mimic's grapple and grapple it, crit the following attack roll
>JOHN CENA explodes from DM's phone as I burning suplex the mimic into a mass of highly flammable casks
>entire cellar explodes, killing the cellar master and about 7 other mimics
>I am knocked out, warlock barely survives
>dragged back to rest of party
Yeah, I'm not allowed to go beyond eyesight of the rest of the party now
>4e
>sneaking up on a group of sleeping gnolls
>wizard suddenly gets bright idea
>uses arcane mutterings to convince them that their god is speaking, and for them to wake up and slaughter each other
>end up recreating a bloodier version of Jonestown
>>47470087
Probably in our Dark Heresy campaign when our Scum managed to beat a genestealer at wrestling (the xeno tried to impregnate him but he successed a strength/grappling/whatever opposite roll against it, and did it again the 3 following turns, eventually making the 'nid his bitch).
At the third turn we started to comment the fight like WWF sportscasters, but the best thing was our GM face when they rolled.
This genestealer was a disgrace to his specie.
>>47475855
>successed
succeed*
>>47475855
>WWF
WWE damn it
>>47470132
>mimic porn
...link?
>>47476390
http://pastebin.com/Vrb0BCvw
>>47470087
That would be one of DM's many girlfriends (it never lasts for more than couple weeks).
>regularly sell players magic items which I come up with just by funny names
>sell them "short pants of legs having"
>they can't figure out what it does and no one wants to try them on
>weeks later, they find a man with a broken leg asking for a ride to town
It was actually a thief trying to rob their cart, as a segway into the criminal underworld in the next town.
>instead of giving him a ride, they offer him the "short pants of legs having"
Thief thinks "free magic".
>they remove his pants and slip them on
>when he moves to stand, two beautiful and feminine legs burst from the leg holes, sending his own legs rolling and flopping out in front of him, apparently severed at the hip and bleeding
>the man looks on in horror as the adventurers take his pants and his legs ("just in case"), and they extort some gold from him for the magic shorts and take off for the next town
Laszlo Lady Legs will seek revenge.
>>47476601
>short pants of legs having
>pants of legs having
>legs having
>leg shaving
>>47472226
Lost mines was the first campaign I played. Never beat it though because my dm was a shit and never finishes any campaign he starts.
>Make a bard
>want to specialize in mind control stuff
>Group of thugs harass us
>Use a suggestion spell to try and persuade them to work with is since it would be more profitable
>Roll a 1
>Thug yells "FUCK YOU" And smashes my face in
>throughout this campaign I have been getting shit rolls
>Party decides it would be better to just let the thugs kick me to death
and that was how my first pc died.
>>47470087
>fun
If I wanted to have fun, I would kill myself, because my life is a joke and the punchline can't come fast enough.
>>47470255
What system? Sounds comfy.
>>47477406
pathfinder
>>47470115
ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
>>47477440
oh...
>>47473408
Nice magical realm
>>47477358
Chill out there, Mr. Blake.
>>47472644
Wow jeez, your GM's got one of those enchanted lands, those eldritch soils, those sorcerous acres, you know what I'm saying, my fellow, aren't you?
>>47472644
That's kind of funny. Sounds like a comfy group, got any more stories?
>>47480044
Like, hallowed grounds? No, he's not religious.
>>47480275
I doubt any hallowed ground would have piss trees, but I wouldn't be surprised if your GM tried to sneak those in.
>>47470099
Oh are you the kind of guy who takes pride in how exclusive his sense of humor is?
I bet you're into birdwatching, faggot
>hopping into a campaign in progress
>gm introduces me as a scavenger that has made their temporary home in the ruins the party is currently exploring
>upon seeing me the party's barbarian flies into rage and kills me on the spot
>>47485962
>readersm
Fatty detected
>>47473408
>>turns out to be a trap
Wow, I thought something completely different happened.
>>47474413
I actually like this one, and j normally hate "for the lulz it's just a game bro" shit. John Cena was a nice touch.
>>47476587
Does he at least fuck them?
>>47470427
Underappreciated
>>47476527
That's more freudian than that mimic/harpy fic.
> I'm in the first two months of DMing for this group
> typical halfling rogue in the party has a criminal background, smuggles stolen goods and drugs
> his name is also Bill Murray and he's supposed to look exactly like Bill Murray at age 25 but 3' tall
> recently came into possession of some strong drugs at an apothecary, wants to know what they do
> cleric in the party meanwhile has negotiated them into staying the night at a local monastery
> Bill Murray goes out to the outhouse behind the monastery at night
> begins shoving the drugs up his ass
> I determine that his entire lower body goes completely numb
> he starts crawling around on his arms and shitting everywhere, calling for help
> monks arrive
> they assume he's possessed
> perform exorcism
> shit everywhere
> he pretends the exorcism is working just to get it over and done with
> Bill Murray changes his name to Elvis Presley en route to the next major town
> mfw
