Hey /tg/, can you critique my "one page dungeon" design?
It's technically for a competition and not specific to any system, although I'm mostly just having fun. Would appreciate feedback on legibility/scenario design/etc.
>yes, the Heeb are Not!Jews
>>46719311
This looks like it wouldn't be out of place in a JRPG.That's not a compliment.
Your thinly veiled 'metaphor' is shit and you should feel bad.
Did you OD on redpills or something?
>>46719403
It was a collab and my chief contributor was a raging antisemite. The setting in my mind would be closer to low fantasy
Personally I feel like once you get past the PC revulsion the characterizations work fairly well, most fantasy races were based on earlier racial stereotypes
>>46719438
Are you fucking serious?
If I put out an Adventure Path where the PCs are tasked with assassinating the President of the United Columbian States, I'd be brought in for questioning, not given an award. In this day and age, you could get internet lynched and never get a job again for sending that to a company contest.
I'm not even offended, just dumbfounded that your retarded ass expects this to fly with Wizards of the Coast, much less Paizo. You could at least TRY not to make the parallels as blindingly fucking obvious as they are.
What on Earth are you and your contributor submitting this to?
>>46719593
cry harder m8, a lot of modern wargames feature assassination plots of the type you describe anyways.I know this is a troll response, but you should put more effort into it if you expect a rise from me
I'm not expecting to win (they only select colored designs anyways) or sell this for money, mostly just the novelty of feedback on design choices.
The undercaves in my mind is quite a lovely spectacle. It's in the tradition of weird fiction
>>46719662
>but you should put more effort into it if you expect a rise from me
Dude, you're a dumbass. I know you put this shit up to get (You)s, but come on.
To be honest, it would be interesting if it weren't shackled to the retard-level 'symbolism', the dungeon design is fairly unique and it's sufficiently dark and interesting enough to be a good one-shot.
If that's what you wanted to hear, good job, I guess.
>>46719908
>>46719593
>>46719403
Could you be any more mad, mate? Talk a walk or something.
>>46719908
who wants to bet this fag skimmed less than three lines of the pic before spitting out these retarded opinions
I understand reading isn't your strong suit, but this is outright pathetic
>>46719311
Well, my first critique is that this is very, very verbose for an OPD. There's a lot of words, and just trying to cram as much text into as small a space as possible is both lazy and lame when doing these things.
>>46719311
Fuck off Nazi filth
>>46720072
I appreciate the feedback. What should I cut out? I feel like the "backstory" is probably not necessary
originally it was just pic related, until I decided a ground plan was needed for the lower caverns
>>46720094
14/24carat gold the kikes (^:
inauspicious bump. If you feel like it's tl;dr for text just tell me
>>46720877
I can't claim to have read all of what you shat out, but I think this could be interesting enough if you changed it to be less obviously nazi. At least fix the HEEB's appearance.
>>46721486
the Heeb in my mind are basically just humanoid goblins. They were a gypsy people that have been led into the caves and now suffer a terrible gold addiction due to the cursed magics being used. It physically degenerates their well being and induces progressive psychosis
They were once just gypsies, but over the years have become a primitive agrarian cave people. Most have already died, and now YAW (the big tower, a greed tulpa that got out of control) clones them. The process has greatly lowered their intelligence and drive.
Have you ever read Ito's horror manga? The guy with the spirals? A lot of plots involve nefarious towns that have been taken over by an external influence and made people mere shells. It's supposed to be the same in this case
anyways if you can't be assed to read I don't give a damn what your opinions are
>>46719311
This looks like shit.
It could be an interesting situation, if you don't mind keeping the 10% good content and ditching the rest.
The idea of some brainwashed or cultist goblinoids, dragging victims and faithful alike to some underground temple where deeply profane energies grow literally gold-wheat out of the mush of rotten corpses is kind of interesting. It offers some interesting RP scenarios and a temptation to characters, not to mention possible combat or stealth encounters. Most of the rest is just nonsense bullshit, certainly not going to give you an award and, if best, will cause people to just glaze over the whole section.
My first thought is just to make them goblins or cultists. Originally, there had just been reports of missing persons and they were suspected. Now, they've become more and more obsessed over the gold, and so are killing and dragging any sort of corpse they can to the underground chamber, to feel the fields of golden wheat.
I don't know what you are doing with the narrow crawlspaces or the random gas tunnels/pools. Perhaps some narrow tunnels to crawl through (especially if small goblins) and some everpresent decaying muck. Rather than "golems" put in some creatures of decaying matter: basically mud-golems crafted from the muck below.
For the bottom, the profane tower that provokes thoughts and desires with the promises of gold. A giant field of golden wheat, glowing and ready for harvest, surrounds the tower. However, one step into the fields will reveal the rotten smell and the bloody muck it is all growing out of.
From there, play up the various angles throughout the adventure. Something like how the goblins/cultists have gone deranged, or maybe one killing rabbits and trying to grow a field of golden wheat outside the mountain, or something.
>>46723571
hey, I appreciate the honest critique
the narrow crawlspaces is just filler I haven't flushed out basically. I read a caving creepypasta recently and it had an effect on me- these are passages so narrow that the party has to crawl on hands/knees without being able to draw swords. Will suffer damage if they move fast in them and are very vulnerable/adds mystique.
the gas is just a logical extension of the cave environ and the horrible pits stinking towards the earth. In game terms it's a play hazard requiring the party to go deeper into this knockout/hazardous material in order to see what's underneath. I'm imagining those "hazard sequences' in deus ex if you've played that. The final thing is the mystery of seeing these dumb pseudo-humans delve into this hazardous area as if sleepwalking, only to eventually wind up in a chamber where they've all passed out. What's that about? It's the reason why the caves are so compartmentalized down below.
I don't want an award, this is just for fun
the golems are supposed to be the cumulation of the Heeb's gold-obsession. you might not have picked up on it, but they're supposed to have a transhuman cult involving gold implantation/transformation into. It's a natural result of their physical addiction to gold. At first they're just retards, then they degenerate, then they either go feral or end up as golems through ritual ceremonies. YAW has control over all gold from the fields and as a result total control over the golems. Also, it just kind of made sense considering golems were a jewish monster
the speculation is that nearby towns were already depopulated so the heeb are actually stripping plant life in a desperate attempt to keep farming gold
the fields are supposed to have been originally all cultivated until the heeb lost control because of the preversions going on. I basically just wanted to make the cavern floor an open-ended dungeon with varying environs to navigate of sort.
>>46724124
I didn't read far enough to get to the gold implants part. A lot of the text felt just silly or something that would go over most players' heads because they won't be sitting around discussing it with the inhabitants.
I'm not sure it is an "open-ended dungeon" as much as it is an expansive setpiece with random deathtraps - namely, the knockout gas and falling into the pools. Needing to crawl through a large portion seems dull as well. The reason I recommended first kidnappings and then crazed hunting is because it promotes an investigation from the player characters. If there were just some missing persons and then suddenly, goblins are attacking everything and dragging them to the mountain, then it requires investigation. If several towns nearby have been abandoned for months and they start dragging down rotting trees, then there's little reason for anyone to even notice - unless everyone is long dead.
There's nothing wrong with everything being long dead, of course. It won't be a combat adventure, but could still be creepy.
The idea of people worked to exhaustion and collapsing on the floor is pretty neat. If things are still happening on the surface, then having them dropped due to exhaustion and continuing as soon as they recover could be quite disturbing, especially if the players try interacting with them. Some having drowned in the fields seems rather fitting.
If you are going to with gold jewelry or even implants, then having the gold weigh down the bearers makes sense. Gold is quite heavy, and having it literally weight down some of the more "prosperous" individuals would make sense. I understand where you are going with the golems, but creatures that obsessed with gold wouldn't be carving large stone monuments and bringing them to life. Rancid muck-monsters would probably make more sense, both for the materials on hand and what the tower can control. Definitely put a bunch of gold jewelry on/in them, for show.
(cont.)
>>46724124
also, some explanation of the undercave layout
the paths split into a choice between the right (safer but more encounter episodes) and the left (tougher and more encounters, but less of them). The middle lake is technically possible, but has high exposure and will have a major encounter and is not likely to be taken due to the mud
in each of these middle segments there is an npc encounter relating to the tower and YAW. They help the player piece together the story of what is going on, and lead them to seek out the other npc's, which ultimately gives the player a better encounter outcome with YAW
inside the tower, there's another npc that serves to flesh out YAW's motivations/explain the MIDAS machines without a direct explanation and act as a sort of subboss
YAW is sort of a passive god figure. It's not easy to destroy and is more interested in talking. Picture the Morpheus conversations from deus ex ideally (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b-bijO3uEw)
the initial HEEB cave faces are just optional encounters, but exist more as a potential threat should the players be noisy and draw attention. The initial fields bit is meant to introduce what the heeb are doing/what the caverns are about, and offer a sort of stealth sequence or else the cave heeb will freak out and come hunting
will respond to your comments when I see the complete of them
>>46724124
>>46724366
(cont.)
Your tower being actively malevolent is, honestly, quite dull. It's just some standard BBEG, except even more self-destructive since it killed all its minions and it isn't portable. I think it would be much more interesting if, rather than being a thinking thing, it's more a bundle of negative magical emotion which drove the people there obsessed. Perhaps they built is as a temple or something, hoping for more riches, and the desire just seeped into it and amplified it. Plus, having it affect the PCs is some similar way makes it a direct threat - having it be an actively harmful thing trapped under a mountain in a dead area is fairly pointless. As fur the golems/muckmen, again, I'd say it's more interesting it they're something that a person (even a crazy cultist) made over an evil tower is more interesting. It could give them some strange or contradictory orders, like keep people out unless they are carrying a body, or have the golems stop whatever they are doing and gather any dropped gold. (For an influence from the tower.)
Just my thoughts on things.
>>46724366
what text did you think as silly? the rambling stuff attached to the arrows? was trying to be descriptive, maybe I'm wrong
by open ended dungeon, I mean the lower cave floor. You can see the insert at the bottom for the floorplan
the mansion the players first interact with is the setup premise. The NPC there engineers his dead wife being kidnapped and will speak evil things about the place. The howling chamber allows the area to be located by ear. Also roving heeb congregate in the place which allows them to be shadowed
the golems are actually just people. The exposure and transformations means the individuals progressively get covered in gold. Also use of the wheat fertillizer may accomplish this
exhaustion seems okay to me, might make more sense
>>46724433
actually, the tower was hoped to invert the malevolent/worship the god stereotypes. It's just a "thought program" that expanded at such a rate to out-strip it's creator
also the destruction process is about reuniting the soul of the priest's daughter with her body. YAW's tower is basically invulnerable and even when shut down isn't dead
I don't know if you read the rambling backstory on the right (which is pretty irrelevant honestly) but it tries to explain how it came about. YAW doesn't influence the heeb directly anyways, the relationship is closer to a pet owner stocking houseflies. It directly clones and creates the heeb and that's where the relationship ends, they've just culturally learned to feed it
dunno if my justifications are right/wrong however, and thanks for the honest input. It is a big wall of text right now unfortunately
>>46724606
The entire lower half of OP image is a giant text dump which, honestly, I'm not going to bother reading. I was looking over the adventure, not a description of the backstory about the tower.
I can see that you are trying to emphasize the importance of YAW. I'm a bit less concerned about that, in part because it will be hard to transfer that importance over to the players, and perhaps in part because its importance may have been in the text I didn't read.
I've found that players tend to care very little about random shrines to random gods unless it's something larger than a tiny room in some dungeon. It's why I suggested something more general than a specific named god (malevolence and obsessive desire instead) because, which they may not understand what YAW is all about, they can understand what a magic tower than makes people obsess over gold does.
Honestly, it's getting late for me and I don't think I have anything else to suggest or add at this point. Some interesting angles but nothing really to comment on. Like I said initially, I think you have an interesting idea here. It's not the way I would handle it and I'm not certain on how well it works in the current situation, but good luck with it and I hope you enjoy playing around with it.
>>46724736
okay, that seems fair. I guess the extra text has got to go
I suppose I saw YAW as a natural focal point since it's 1) a giant tower emitting the cavern's natural light (perpetual twilight and furnaces underneath), and 2) on the other side of the cavern floor. Also the Heeb will point to it inevitably since they feed it's furnaces
(the way the cavern works is Yaw creates the fertilizer which causes the wheat, the heeb bring organic matter to it's furnaces)
it's not a god. It's a tupa imbued into a machine for making gold
anyways, I appreciate your feedback and the effort you made responding
