>The seven daughters of an important Amazon Matriarch set upon you with ill-intent after a trade dispute. Town guards look away as the women unfurl their non-phallic swords and daggers.
>>46611029
"Trade dispute" here being defines as my character just picked one of their pockets, I guess. To which the response is...
>"Ha-ha! But to kill me, you must first catch me! Woopwooopwoopooopwoop...!"
At which point unless any of them are Monks, then my movement rate per round significantly outstrips their own.5E Rogue (thief) level 8, if you're curious. Also my character is female.
>>46611029
>non-phallic swords and daggers.
What does that even look like?
>>46611088
Circle weapons ala Xena I suppose.
>>46611088
Chakrams of various sizes.
>>46611088
Pic related, I guess. Unless there's something seriously wrong with your junk, anyway. I mean, for some guys it curves, sometimes even notably, but not like this.
>>46611088
Throwing anuses and such.
>>46611029
I guess I just defeat them in battle because they are using shitty impractical weaponry.
>>46611166
>shitty impractical weaponry
Covered with poison!
>>46611201
Doesn't make it any less shitty and impractical.
At worst, it hurts a half an hour after the battle is over and at best there's an antidote or a healer nearby.
>>46611201
So instead of Amazons who try yo be male warriors we instead have Amazons using traditional female qualities and applying it to being warriors.
>>46611239
>there's an antidote or a healer nearby
Didn't the Amazons take over all the apothecaries?
>>46611029
>Be necromancer with fly
>case touch of blindness through spectral touch
>laugh and fly away after summoned skeletons distract the already blinded bitches
Fuck just being a wizard in general slices this
>>46611088
Aggressively geometric, I'd assume. Like, African throwing knife level of flanges.
A " dagger " that was basically a blade-knuckle-duster would be non:-phallic.
As would a Bat'tleh, or however you spell that Klingon sword thing.
>>46611088
maybe pic related
>>46611239
>At worst, it hurts a half an hour after the battle is over
That's really fucking optimistic.
Like, you got arrow poison in the real Amazonas, imagine what fantasy jungle poisons could do.
>>46611029
I yell "trigger warning!"
When they instinctively drop their swords and daggers to cover their eyes and ears, I set upon them with my knobbed club. My trained blows, brimming with chi, lay them low and leave them quivering and quiescent.
>>46611088
>>46611106
>>46611117
Nicely played! Twenty years, I didn't catch that metaphor from xena until you pointed it out.
>>46611364
But arrows are phallic.
>>46611364
>be high level alchemist
>drink poison for kicks
>laugh as the arrows do nothing and proceed to launch high explosives at the tarts for messing with the wrong alchemist over some trade agreements
>>46611088
Maybe swords that were puposefully yonic, so swords with a gap running down the middle of the flat side of the blade...
>>46611305
Assuming you win initiative, that is...
>>46611305
>Throw fireworks at you
Take that Rathalos!
>>46611420
>necromancer
>not being surrounded by loyal skeletons
even then what fucking wizard wouldn't have improved initiative and fairly high dex
>lmao Amazonians
>>46611328
Bat'leth. It's sadly impractical as designed (which is weird because the guy who designed it specifically wanted a "real"-looking, practical weapon), but funnily enough you could change its design just slightly and turn it into a halfway decent axe.
>>46611433
CURSES FOILED AGAIN ILL GET YOU NEXT TIME
>>46611029
"Killing a man doesn't change the price of grain, great daughters. You may not like the cost, but I assure you, it is fair; my people are not fools to try and cheat an honorable and proud nation of warriors like yours. A nation you would be shaming, to kill an peaceful envoy in the street, as a petulant child breaks their toys. Let us set aside our blades, and enter into the villas. These hot days stir the blood to sudden madness, which sweet wine may cool."
My Bard rolls for diplomacy.
>>46611408
Except Xena uses a sword more often then she uses her chakram...
>>46611490
>nat 1
>>46611502
>Has chakram
>Prefers sword
Freud had a word for this.
Gabby didn't get a lot of use, either.
>>46611126
It's still phallic. It's long object that is used to penetrate bodies.
>>46611572
It's a slashing weapon, though, not a stabbing weapon. You'd have to really stretch the definition of "phallic" to make it qualify.
>>46611571
>Freud had a word for this.
Was it "competent"?
>>46611620
>>Freud had a word for this.
>Was it "competent"?
It was "penis envy". So, in other words, yes.
>>46611512
"Man, it's a good thing you can't crit-fail skill checks. Still, that's only like, 13, so I doubt they listen."
Turn to the rest of the party.
"Remember, if we kill them, it's probably going to make the next round of negotiations REALLY hard. So... Kill as few as you can, I guess. "
I turn to the fight, my character drawing his weapon and muttering:
"Who even raises seven goddamn children these days? Three's enough of a nightmare for me, thank you."
Anon that cringe fuel wasn't nessisary
>>46611642
I meant more that between a chakram and a sword, a sword is objectively a better weapon. I'm pretty sure Xena only used the chakram at all because she wanted to show off.
>>46611029
subdue the belligerents in a manner consistent with my training
>>46611735
Yeah I'm just having fun with this otherwise-stupid topic. It's a fun thread, not a serious one.
Though now >>46611717 went and /thread'd it. Love that comic.
A half giant known as "The Wall" with very heavy plate, big shield and a big axe. They could beat on him all day and he would only get an erection.
>>46611126
Just a curvy dick of another stripe anon.
>>46611029
>Unfurl their non-phallic swords and daggers
I unfurl my sword-like phallus
>>46612266
>the Wall
>not dual wielding shields
do you even minmax?
>>46611717
>The throwing anus
Every time.
>>46611029
Power Word: Orgasm
>>46611088
>not knowing about the throwing anus
pleb
>>46612397
No.
>>46611620
>slashing weapon
Don't tell me you're still working with a boring hip thrust for copulation. The downward crescent is where it's at now. We've evolved past that simple maneuver man. Get with the times and start actually pleasing women.
>>46611413
Are you my character?
>>46612462
A throwing anus is a chakram not a sword or dagger. The question was about non-phallic swords and daggers.
>>46611029
I just fucking disappear and decide to be a petty asshole and mess with their stuff, filling their sleeping bags with gravel, hiding their grooming kits, eating their rations before they wake up, among other things.
>>46611029
I hide behind my amazon waifu
Ah, so many characters I could respond to this mess with.
>Upcoming, the 1st level Shadowcaster: "Why me?", doubt they're shitty enough to fall for Voice of Shadow so it's drop darkness and make a break for it.
> Recent and skilled character, the Spellsword. Being something of a swashbuckler, she probably fights it out focusing on defense and not getting surrounded, hoping to evaluate opponents and either beat them or hold out long enough as a non-aggressor that such mayhem inside town walls finally gets interrupted.
>What I'm actually playing right now: The BBEG. Not a PC but it's fun to think of what a campaign arch-villain would do in this scenario. Gate, leaving it open for them to follow. If they're dull enough to chase a wizard into his lair, or if they can be forced through, it's a matter of disabling the group and then devising ironic, message-sending fates for seven captives. First one, eldest or ringleader, break her mind so she thinks she's an inner-city whore without a penny to her name and turn her loose in a far-away wretched hive of scum and villainy. A second bind well and mentally batter a third with low-level mind-effecting spells like Suggestion until she finally caves and kills her sister. try to make that the two that were closest, and keep third girl alive and prisoner to stew in her guilt and sorrow forever. Fourth girl maybe a nicely pious one, kill and reanimate into as many undead as possible. At least one corporeal for the body and an incorporeal for the soul. Fifth girl, prettiest, flesh to stone and a place in the statue garden, sixth girl, greediest, smashed with iterative polymorphs and damage until what's left is garbage, plus one shiny coin with her face on both sides, placid on one, final screams of agony on the other. The seventh, least notable, has to watch all this happen and is then given the coin to return to her mother as payment for the trade dispute.
>>46611328
>Aggressively geometric
>>46614570
>not posting my waifu
Shame on you.
>>46611029
>turn to face the Amazon Matriarch daughters
>"Laaadies, don't worry, there will be enough for everyone" with the most suggestive tone I can do
>>46614805
If there was enough for everyone, how did you get into a trade dispute in the first place?
>>46614842
I forgot my Viagra potion that morning, and it turned into a catfight about who will be with me today.
Luckily, I prepared Invigorate and Enhance Senses in all of my slots today.
>>46611029
My Skald rolls to seduce the eldest sister since I assume she's the leader. Come on guys it's not even a weird monster this time, this is the kind of stuff the Charm stat was made for.
>>46614805
>>46615058
they are amazons, not sluts. they kill you first.
>>46611433
>spends the entire fight flying
Sounds about right
>>46615312
With what, their throwing anuses?
>>46615312
>they kill you first
Even in death, I still bone attractive ladies.
prostrate myself before them, apologize profusely for the dispute, and any perceived insult, and offer my services as a sex slave
>>46615312
Well in that case I seductively challenge the sister to one of one combat, seductively beat her, then seductively seduce her. Amazon love interests are something my DM knows I can't pass up.
>>46611029
>not using enveloping weapons
>>46615660
We've been over this.
>>46615459
Death by Snu-Snu, eh? I suppose it beats death by weapons of an unknown but informedly non-phallic-despite-being-swords-and-knives nature.
>>46615459
>>46619155
>Amazons take their revenge on you via death by snu snu
>Then resurrect you so they can keep going
>Once your soul refuses to be resurrected they bind it to a dildo
What then?
>>46611029
I strike all the treacherous and sluggish mon'keigh down with graceful ease.
>>46611029
Melt their brains and then exterminate their entire tribe, any closely related tribe, and anyone else who stands in my way. Then I curse their lands, salt the earth so that nothing will ever grow there again.
Immediately after, I raise prices on all of my products.
>>46611075
>spoiler
You and I can be alliesthough we'll probably betray each other later.
>>46611281
They'd be more likely to try and burn them. Fighty types are all superstitious, regardless of gender.
>>46611029
As talking is a free action I will pinpoint the weakest of the five middle children, probably the fourth or fifth born, and verbally abuse her until she breaks down in tears. Then when her sisters turn to comfort and/or berate her in response, swooce on out of there.
>>46619207
Die happy?
>>46620300
I draw my dagger as I prepare to leap upon my unsuspecting prey from a convenient 44th floor window. But first, I should finish this Virginia Slim.
>>46611029
>call for my bodyguard
I mean, i am clearly a noble of some sort, why wouldnt i have a cute orc bodyguard?
>>46611029
Somehow I knew bacon was going to be on the menu.
See, this is why you don't send the Awakened Dire Boar to negotiate your trade missions. I swear, lazy bipeds, I oughta...
>>46622133
>those muscles
I want her to princess carry me to the bedroom.
>>46611126
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peyronie's_disease
>>46622133
She can't be both your wife AND your bodyguard. It doesn't work like that.
>>46622535
>he doesnt have a big strong bodyguard who gently loves him behind closed doors
Poor anon...
>>46611029
I traditionally rock around in a hellish amalgamation of steam powered armour with a flamethrower and a claymore... I got this.
>>46622774
You seem like a cool guy, so I need to ask - how do you feel about pork?
>>46622794
while it is most delicious, I don't go out of my way to aquire it.
>>46611620
Khopesh is a chopping weapon. It's an axe essentially
>>46622505
i know this feel
>>46622949
Sadly, as do I.
>>46611413
You'e an edgelord.
Also, arrows still hurt.
>>46624259
Not if they're made to be non-penetrative.
>>46624343
why would pissed off amazons be using plop arrows?
Or bows... would they have blowguns or something
>>46624259
>edgelord
How?
>>46611029
>be skinny, twinky, not-german, fire sorcerer
>Amazonian amazons amass amazingly aggressively
>fly away over the roof tops and yell "Those prices were totally reasonable you cuuuuunt"
>>46624425
Because OP specified that these amazons were concerned with using non-masculine weaponry.
>>46624530
It still looks like a dick.
Maybe they would use a sling?
>>46624650
They would use a crossbow (the arms are an inverted Vagina V), that fires little razor discus's like chakrams
Slings are OK but they still throw balls which is totally ICKY boy stuff only boys have balls unless you're a transgender sister mister fight the power lmao am I right?
>>46614112
Have you considered that you're an exceptionally shitty BBEG?
Unless your plan is to kill the heroes with all that edge.
>>46624697
For some reason sling "bullets" are not actually ball-shaped. Or rather, they are ball-shaped if the only sport you've ever played is American football.
I'm sure you have some leeway with the shape though. Like, you could do hearts or possibly even chakrams.It feels like I'm getting an awful lot of 1408 captchas. Did /pol/ win or something?
>>46624828
I don't know about you, but my testicles are also rather football-shaped.
>>46624912
Truth be told, I've never seen any testicles out of their wrapping.
>>46624259
Heard you talking shit like I wouldn't find out you giant bitch.
>>46611088
This. It looks like this. Given the skill it takes to use one of these without killing yourself, these women are going to be a tough fight.
>>46622535
Of course you can, you'll just piss off all your peers, lose any respect from your monarch, and worse case scenario, you might also get disowned.
>>46624807
One that's trying to establish a power structure through browbeating, coercion, intimidation, and magic? Mid-level amazons sent by a leader who clearly needs her pride broken are nothing compared to the kind of fury top level PCs will bring against the despotic son of a bitch. If they dismantle him completely enough they won't even have to fight him, he's drowning in enemies and has certain squid-faced backers that may take matters into their own hands. if said enemies stop being intimidated enough to cave to demands for tribute and slaves. (At that point the real big bad will be an Elder Brain, but there's no way the OP scenario runs with that)
>>46624974
They're very white. Like, bright, is-it-gonna-glow-in-the-dark white.
>>46628200
Unless she is a noble knight who swore loyalty to her young prince.
>>46628739
King has her killed because she's clearly loyal to the heir and not the king, throne, or to herself, and therefore can't be trusted not to hatch a plot with the prince to kill the king.
I cast invisibility and move 30 ft.
>>46611029
I offer my throwing anus as a symbol of friendship.
>>46631348
Not only has that been posted, but you spoiled the joke by making it the filename.
>>46631437
It's been posted like three times already
>>46611088
Toothed vagina-shaped chakrams
>>46628009
>Circus sword that you can't even stab with.
>Tough fight.
It's a cool weapon and all, but seriously, a guy with an urumi is going to lose to a guy with a thick jacket and a stout stick every time.
>>46624504
Aidan is that you?
>>46611029
Depending on what character of mine they are dealing with, it could end a number of ways.
>Yuuzhan Vong soldier (SWS)
Die either on fire from the flamethrower integrated into his amphistaff, or from its venom.
>Half-Orc fighter (5e)
A few of them die, but he's fairly low level, so chances are he does as well.
>Grey Court Vampire (Fudge+Dresdenverse)
What trade dispute? Just absorbs their memories of that event, goes about his day.
Hey guys, look, it's a funny joke just for you
>>46632646
>>46631348
>>46612462
>>46611717
-4WIS
>>46632785you :^)
>>46630914
>Killing the Daughter of a prominent noble house for no other reason then "Lol, she might stab me in the back one day!"
Enjoy the ensuing vassal rebellion as your Dukes decide you're batshit insane and not to be trusted.
>>46632863
He doesn't even know what swearing loyalty means. Everyone had to swear loyalty, it's nothing special to base assumptions on.
>>46630914
>killing a noble knight because she is loyal to your son
What?
>>46632915
I think he meant more along the lines of directly serving, like a genderswap of your typical knight and princess fantasy.
>>46632981
Well if the king starts having people killed because they follow the hierarchy instead of pooling all of their loyalty at the tippy top, he's going to find himself without anyone to order around except maybe the rats in his cell.
>>46633180
No, i agree. And swearing direct loyalty to say, your lord, is not the same thing as not being willing to obey your king.
(This is ceremonial armor)
>>46633220
To call it armor at all would be a stretch.
>>46632863
>>46632956
Your son is a threat to your power if he gains too much support, as he may decide you're taking too long to hand over the crown. It's good that your retainers are willing to swear pass their allegiance on to your son when he inherits the crown, but it's bad if they start doing it while you're still in possession of it. If she swears her allegiance to him, then she is loyal to him, and not to you. That means she can potentially sway him, or aid him if his own loyalty to his father is shaky.
>>46633247
Ceremonial armor does not need to be practical. She has to wear that during parades, as people admire the beautiful female knight who protects their kingdom.
>>46633304
>one bodyguard knight is too much support
ok m9 :^)
>>46633304
You may be thinking of a drow society.
>>46633327
Not just a bodyguard knight, but the daughter of a prominent noble house.
>>46633330
It's not that uncommon, historically speaking.
>>46633304
Yeah i guess. But it seems like a pretty weak king who is bothered that one knight is loyal to his son. If he was having nobles swear their loyalty to him left and right, left the main castle to live elsewhere, and started to assemble an army, then i would worry. But having one knight be exceptional devoted to him does not seem like a credible threat to worry about. (He is my heir because i WANT him to be king one day, after all)
>>46633304
You realize that your prince is a high noble in his own right and literally all high nobles have lesser nobles sworn directly to them. It's entirely likely that the heir apparent is also at least a duke with several barons sworn to him. The king only has the upper crust and maybe his personal guard captain sworn directly to him.
Kings who try to get direct oaths of loyalty from all the little nobles usually end up dead because they piss off all the people who the little nobles would otherwise have sworn loyalty to.
Killing one of the prince's retainers because they're his retainer is how the prince ends up with the political backing of every duke in the land.
>>46633383
>he is my heir because I WANT him to be king one day
This.
Seriously, you're gonna die eventually, and I doubt the heir would be particularly impatient. Unless you're a REALLY shitty father, he's in no hurry for you to croak, and you're educating him properly on how to git gud at running the country.
>>46633380
m8 jesus christ, go back to the start of this holocaust of a position you've set up for yourself and review what you're saying
>>46633380
Being suspicious of my son makes no sense to me, unless he has proven to be untrustworthy.
>>46633463
>the king is a woman
Now it all makes sense. All these silly attempts at justifying the murder of the prince's lover...
She's just madly jealous.
>>46633304
You being a tyrant gives him all support he could possibly want and then some. He might even end up with a movement to put him on the throne without his input.
>>46633492
>He might even end up with a movement to put him on the throne without his input.
Unless you are a shitty father, i imagine your son would be your most loyal supporter. Unless he is pure evil, i would willingly step down if he wanted to be king so badly.
>>46633581
More like everyone with a title higher than Baron wants him to be king because you're a psycho who is killing members of noble families for being loyal to someone other than yourself.
And considering your past examples, they'll probably tell you that from behind their collective armies, just in case.
>>46633383
>(He is my heir because i WANT him to be king one day, after all)
That speaks of your own intention, and doesn't mean he's willing to wait until you die on your own. After all, it's treachery we're on the lookout for.
>>46633442
I never said anything about public execution. Obviously you have to do it in secret. People die young for all kinds of reasons. And it's not the same thing for a noble whose seat of power is elsewhere to have nobles sworn to him, but this is someone who likely lives in the same building as you. There's no need for him to have his own vassals within the noble houses yet, he'll get all of them (hopefully) once he claims the crown. Until then, loyalty to you is loyalty to him (as long as he's loyal to you). In fact, anyone who's going to spend that much time with him ought to be someone you yourself can trust, not just someone he can trust, because you want someone watching him in case he starts to feel like you're taking too long to vacate the throne.
>>46633463
Always be suspicious of whoever would get your power if you lost it.
>>46633645
Ehh? I am against killing my son's beautiful female knight who he is likely completely in love with, and causing him to likely swear revenge.
>>46633581
Don't be naive, this is power we're talking about. In this day and age you can't trust your closest friend not to fuck your wife, how're you gonna unconditionally trust your son to wait to inherit an entire kingdom?
>>46633220
>Ceremonial armor
>Exposes the ladies thighs
The Popes not gonna be happy about this one
>>46633718
Well now you've made an enemy out of him and at least one noble family, so you're basically hurrying yourself out of power.
Assassinating a trained fighter who spends most of their time near the heir apparent of the nation is no simple matter. Doing it without being caught or blackmailed is even less simple.
>>46633677
>>46633718
If i have raised my son in such a way that i can not even trust him not to take my life, I have failed as a king, a father and a man. I pray he knows peace and happiness and that the kingdom prospers under him after my demise.
>>46633758
Why would he be my enemy? I'm not going to carve "daddy did it" into her forehead. A heretic does it, or a poison which mimics some natural cause. Perhaps she's caught spying on royal secrets. It's easy to get away with murder, as long as you're not a complete tool.
>>46633770
You're not the only influence in your son's life. Plenty of good rulers have had shitty sons. Especially since you might not even be home much to build a close relationship with him. You're a king, you've got a lot on your plate, and I was gonna say not just the blood of neighbors and heretics but it's entirely plausible that you're not home much because you're always busy killing neighbors and heretics.
>>46633871
What part of "Doing it without being caught or blackmailed is even less simple" did you miss? Unless you're going to actually obtain and deploy the poison personally, there will be other people involved. People who see an opportunity to sell you out to the guy you've wronged, who will replace you one way or another.
>>46633871
If the "good" rulers failed so terribly at one of the most important parts of their position, then they weren't very good.
>>46633871
If you are going to kill everybody who becomes loyal to your son, you not only become a prime suspect over time no matter HOW secretly you do it, you also make him very vulnerable to outside aggression. He won't be your heir for long.
>>46633939
It's less simple to assassinate the king m8
>>46633967
>son has an extremely loyal bodyguard
>you kill her for being loyal
Good luck getting another one.
>>46633677
>There's no need for him to have his own vassals within the noble houses yet, he'll get all of them (hopefully) once he claims the crown.
He will be far weaker, since everyone who liked him personally mysteriously died and everyone else is only a vassal by rote.
>>46633987
Then why are you so worried about it that you're willing to risk a noble rebellion? Kings don't get to just do whatever the fuck they want. The rest of the nobles in the country can and will kick you right off the throne. They even have a perfectly good replacement.
>>46633987
>assasinate
No, you killed a noblewoman who was serving you and your family justly. You gave motivation to her family, other noble families, amd even your son to dethrone you in one move.
>>46634004
Oh, so it wasn't in secret after all?
>>46633871
Your killing a protector of the royal family who has the added benefit of binding a noble house to your dynasty because she's not sworn directly to you and instead serves your heir apparent who, for the most part, should already be a direct representation of your authority. It's a complete none problem and your murdering a woman over it. The fact that you are wasting time and effort on this task against someone who possesses no threat to you clearly indicates you to be a complete tool who is probably going to get caught.
>>46634061
This.
Absolute power is not necessary under any circumstances. Just basic common sense will get you places in this kind of scenario.
>>46634059
I dont know what you mean. Her death? Or her loyalty to the prince? You would be surprised how hard it would be to assasinate a knight skilled enough to be the personal bodyguard of a member of royalty
Guys, you're arguing with a guy who thinks "king" means "cartoon villain".
>>46633939
Murder without being caught is EXTREMELY simple. You've got professional killers and herbalists at your service, along with a mind that's most likely planned military campaigns. You can kill an unseasoned noble, no sweat. I mean, if you can't, then you really gotta look out, because if your son's competent he's gonna tire of watching his bumbling fool of a father waste the kingdom's strength of who knows what. As for the killer's loyalty, well, you can kill a killer just as easily, because you're the king.
>>46633947
That's just ideology. There's no magic recipe for raising an honourable son. Even Emperor Hadrian's son was a complete deadbeat. This is not a "I'm sure he'll betray me" scenario either, it's a "I'm gonna make sure nobody tries to sway him or aid him in doing it".
>>46633967
I'm saying kill the daughter of the noble house who swears allegiance to your son rather than to you, not kill everyone who'll eventually swear loyalty to him. You hope he'll inherit your power and the allegiance of all the other nobles, after all.
>>46634061
I'll decide who he marries, thank you very much.
>>46634091
Common sense is for those with common power.
>>46634097
Maybe in D&D where she can take a house falling over her. A king who can't successfully plot the death of a single unseasoned knight is either a disaster or a puppet.
>>46634180
I think anon would probably be an evil king. The kind heros end up dethroning and placing his good son (who has sworn revenge on his father for killing his knight) on the throne instead.
>>46634224
>unseasoned knight
I dount anyone but a grizzled veteran is gonna be protecting the royal family.
>>46634224
>You hope he'll inherit your power
But I just told you that he won't.
Without any retainers of his own, he cannot remain an influential noble. He'll be so weak that even if he manages to take the crown, it'll be as somebody else's puppet.
A nobleman needs good and loyal servants.
>Murder without being caught is EXTREMELY simple.
Maybe if nobody cares about who it was that died. But this girl kind of is a big deal.
>>46634224
>Unseasoned noble
Royal bodyguard. Bodyguard. Unseasoned is not a word that goes with royal bodyguard.
And how do you kill a killer? With another killer? How many professional killers do you think there are in your country?
Also, the prince is going to tire of his dad wasting treasury funds on assassinations. Accounting is not a modern idea. A royal family that doesn't have good accounting is a shit royal family.
"Well gee, my dad took out a big amount of money and then my wife died in a big mysterious accident. I wonder how those things are connected."
Jeez, instead of assasinating the poor girl, why dont i just make her switch with my daughters knight. If my son loves her, i will ask her to marry him. Problem solved.
>>46634224
>Common sense is for those with common power.
Common sense is for everyone.
After all, it's common.
As in, everyone's supposed to get it.
It's not- It's not a matter of how much power you have, it's a matter of basic sense.
You're not supposed to have some grand insight. You're just supposed to know this shit.
>>46634311
Aren't we talking about >>46633463
>>46633383
>>46633313
etc. this girl? How seasoned can she be? And the battlefield doesn't prepare one for politics either. If she's a seasoned politician then god damn if I ain't gonna kill her, because then she's dangerous for real.
>>46634180
Not even. There are cartoonishly evil kings who don't bother killing their kid's retainers for being too friendly. Not even the retainers they obtained outside of the official channels.
>>46634393
I was just posting pictures of cute knight girls. I guess i could post pictures of older women.
>>46634393
This one >>46622535 >>46628739
Who actually is already married to the prince. So good job on fucking up a new connection to another noble family AND leaving yourself open for literally dozens of completely legal dethronings.
>>46634365
>Common sense is for everyone.
>After all, it's common.
>As in, everyone's supposed to get it.
>It's not- It's not a matter of how much power you have, it's a matter of basic sense.
>You're not supposed to have some grand insight. You're just supposed to know this shit.
No, common sense is for the common folk. They have a common sense that guides them through their common lives. The king, he's uncommon, with uncommon power and an uncommon life, filled with uncommon problems to solve. Thus, he needs uncommon sense to guide him.
>>46634446
Killing your son's wife for being in a happy marriage is pretty uncommon.
>>46634403
Even if you are evil, it doesnt really make sense to give your children a reason to hate you. If this knight was calling for you to be dethroned or something like that, i would understand. But murdering because she is loyal to your son? That seems silly. Besides which. If a knight has swore to defend a princess, thar doesnt mean he wont be willing to go fight for the king of he asks it if him. Just that the knight has a deep loyalty for the princess, and would give his life to protect her.
>>46634491
You just don't understand, anon. It's obvious you don't have any uncommon sense.
>>46611029
>Playing a Pirate Prince of the Ragged Helix in Black Crusade
>Start aligned to Slaanesh, I've got a fucking best craftsmanship power fist, and my Initiative is fucking insane.
>After this victory, I'll raise my power fist to a Legacy Weapon and name it the Sister Fister or the Diddler or something suitable.
Those poor women, I actually feel bad for them OOC.
>>46634491
Jesus this just made me break out laughing.
>>46634445
Man if he married without my permission then there's gonna be more than a few hells to pay. Then again, if he's that disloyal at such a young age I can just disown him and punish her. If her noble house complains, then they were in on it, meaning it's an attempted power grab, in which case I can punish them as well. And don't give me any of that "then all the other noble houses will rise up against you" bullshit, they know very well what that House was attempting, or the chaos that would ensue if their children went off marrying without their approval. We're talking about the unraveling of the family power structure here. Punishing them both is gonna be expected.
>>46634563
The mental gymnastics, sociopathy, and general power-mongering at work here are astounding. My retard-detector is off the fucking charts right now.
>>46634563
You are going to punish two young kids who are so in love that just couldnt help themselves and eloped? Jesus, forget the nobles, the people gonna love that. You are gonna be the boogyman they tell their children about.
>>46634613
>now
>>46634613
I would say less "retard" and more paranoid, possibly to the point of mental illness. I think he is just rping though.
>>46614112
>>46611029
Huh.
I was just going to make a joke about 'mass dominate person' and enjoying my new seven wives, but I guess your approach works too.
>>46634613
>>46634619
Do you actually think throne heirs could just go off marrying whoever they wanted without the approval of their families? That members of royal families never were disowned for that very reason? The marriage of nobility and royalty is a political issue, not some Romeo & Juliet shit. In fact, Romeo & Juliet was written as a warning against that kind of behavior, about the chaos and tragedy that came about when important people thought with their hearts and libidos instead of with their heads.
>>46611029
I promptly use my Aura of Fear to send them all scattering to the farthest reaches of the immediate area, and use the time to summon my most powerful demon. As they recover I shield myself with a spontaneous growth of demon skin and unleash hellfire upon everything in the immediate vicinity.
Their anguished cries regenerate my health even while I suffer damage from my own spell.
>>46628512
I actually kinda like this, a Genghis Khan of wizards, fear through elaborate and unuasual torture.
>You take silver, now you drink silver
>>46634689
>Do you actually think throne heirs could just go off marrying whoever they wanted without the approval of their families?
No, they could not. But eloping is a thing, and it is a bad idea to execute your kid's spouce, at least if they came from a noble family like a knight would have.
>>46634689
>Romeo & Juliet was written as a warning against that kind of behavior
What? No. R&J pretty explicitly says it's about how generations-long hatred and blood feuds are bad, just look at what it did to these innocent young lovers.
>>46634764
If they had married a peasent, you might be able to get away with it (it would still cause problems) but a noble? No, that is a bad idea.
>>46634686
I'd say "guy who said something monumentally stupid and knows it but is unwilling to admit it no matter how retarded it may be and so just keeps adding retardation to the pile".
>>46634689
Better that he married someone competent and noble than a random peasant.
And he clearly got some part of the Church to okay it, so your best bet would be to cut your losses and just accept it.
>>46634764
Murder, not execute. Gotta be subtle, don't want the boy to know. And there's a bunch of scenarios to consider regarding her House.
1) They want to marry into the Royal House, and knew about the marriage but didn't inform me, thus they went behind my back and are therefore untrustworthy and power hungry and probably plan to murder me to quicker gain power, in which case they need to be punished. Most dangerous scenario, because if I disown my son they might take him in and use him to legitimize rebellion.
2) They want to marry into power but weren't aware of this marriage, meaning they'll probably not take action (more so if they're still unaware of the hand I had in her death). Actually, in this scenario I may be able to nullify the marriage with their blessing (depends on the role of the church), in which case she wouldn't have to die. Probably best case scenario.
3) They don't want to marry into the Royal Family and are as outraged as I am, in which case they'll probably be fine with voiding the marriage or disowning her just as I disown him. Would have to be on the lookout though, see that they weren't just pretending to be fine and to disown her, in order to rebel like in the first example. Might be better, might be worse.
4) I kill her and disown him, some other House or neighboring power picks him up and claims he's the legitimate ruler.
5) Kill her, kill him, we all good.
>>46634811
Well, sure they're bad, but it's no good idea to ignore them if doing so is just gonna result in more chaos.
>>46634894
If that's the case then it's time to go Protestant on their asses. If the Church goes behind my back to decide who's gonna claim the throne after me, then shit is on.
>>46635105
The laws of inheritance decided who was going to claim the throne before you were even born.
>>46635058
Every single one of those scenarios is a bad time for king fuckup. The prince being disenfranchised with the king is step 1 in replacing the king early.
The nobles being disenfranchised can also be step 1 if the prince is a pushover. Which he very well might be, since the king keeps killing all of his allies because he doesn't "need" them yet.
>>46635120
Those sure mean a lot in practice.
>>46635164
I'm not gonna dispute that, but a King can't just have random Noble Houses marrying his relatives behind his back. Some kind of action needs to be taken to show that this sort of behavior is not acceptable. I mean, I SUPPOSE there are options which don't involve murder, but it's not like they aren't also risky. Things have already gone FU, gotta avoid adding BAR to that.
>>46635058
>>46635320
Here's what a real king would do:
Send the girl into war and hope she doesn't return. Upon her death she may be highly decorated and posthumously promoted. If she comes back, oh well, promote her anyway and leave the national hero to get hot and dirty with your son.
>>46635441
So you´re sending the bodyguard/wife of to war? What are going to do with your son in the meantime? Giving him a new bodyguard? He needs one after all and you just send her of to die.
>>46622133
I used this pic as character art.
She was an orc barbarian that used an enlarge person amulet and a fuck off two handed heavy hammer. Could beat a hill giant in strength when in full go mode.
Literally had a brock samson charge moment via rouges with throwing stars.
>>46635509
Unless a king had designs to marrry his heir to another kingdom or a much more powerful noblefamily, i doubt he would care this much.
>>46635441
Or he'd take it and run with it.
For years of loyal and exceptional service as a knight of good breeding, she is given leave to accept the prince's wedding proposal. And that's the story that everyone is going to stick to. Peasants get a happy love story thing and a "good king" to go with it, her family gets a connection to the royal family, the prince gets his waifu (Who is still not a peasant, so it's better than nothing), and the king gets a reputation for being magnanimous and in a good enough position that he doesn't need to scramble for 'ideal' political marriages.
>>46635545
This, was meant for
>>46635441
>>46635571
>so it's better than nothing
Unless the king had plans to marry the prince to a princess of another kingdom, or a much more powerful family from his own court, this ending actually seems ideal.
>king gets stronger ties with noble family
>son is happy because he married his waifu
>peasents are in ecstacy because they get a gushy romance story.
>knight is still confused because she just wanted to serve her young prince and had not even considered she would be considered a candidate for marriage. ("Surely the prince would want a more femenine queen...")
>>46635676
>the entire kingdom is going crazy over a scandalous romance
>the knight is conpletely oblivious because she is just serving her prince.
>>46635441
Problem is, if he wants her to be his bodyguard he'll be angry at you, as might her family. Murder would, if discovered, lead to much greater outrage, but it might also prevent outrage completely. The best would be to disown him and send them both to some remote area where they can't do any harm, but then you have the threat of rebellion with him as a figurehead (or him actually leading it).
>>46635509
Sure, just have one of my trusted retainers guard him. No secret marriages, no doubts about loyalty. Favourable succession, ensured.
>>46635571
The king also gets a reputation as a pushover who can't even keep his family in line or punish nobles who're out of line. Prestige is no fucking joke when it comes to ruling. If someone gets away with something, others are gonna try. If you show yourself weak, others will start to front. If his own family doesn't listen to him, then who else will?
>>46611029
Yawn.
>>46635766
It shows the man's not an unreasonable fuck who NEEDS to control every aspect of his kingdom with an iron fist.
It shows he can be bargained with, which you need if you're a noble of any standing.
It shows you're willing to make considerations for followers who are loyal to you.
>>46635766
Or you could just let the kids marry and make it look like it was your choice.
>>46635509
>Keep sending prince's bodyguards on inane quests to get them out
>Assign new bodyguards, each more loyal to you than the last
>Prince makes a waifu out of each one
>Rinse and repeat
>Never dare to give him male bodyguard in case he makes a waifu out of him too
>>46635863
Bargained with, sure. Bamboozled? Hell no. Loyal, when not even asking me first? Shiieeet.
>>46635885
I never even thought of that. I suppose that might be an option. I still have to punish them somehow, though, in private if nothing else, so they learn not to go behind my back. How to punish them severely enough that others don't notice, though? Can't have them further suspecting what is probably a rather suspicious marriage already. Can't let them get away with a slap on the fingers either.
>>46635766
>The best would be to disown him and send them both to some remote area
The best option is to disown your heir because he married a noblewoman?
>Sure, just have one of my trusted retainers guard him
Ok
>No secret marriages
You really wouldnt stop it this way if they truly loved each other
>no doubts about loyalty
Your son has a knight who is loyal to him. Jesus, he did not suddenly raise his own private army.
>If someone gets away with something, others are gonna try.
So your son is gonna get a harem of female knights? Lucky boy.
>>46635964
I suppose if you felt it was absolutely necessary to punish them, just tie the prince to a whipping post and give him 50 lashes. His wife has to watch and know she played a role in this.
>>46635888
This prince is a horndog of epic proportions.
>>46635965
>The best option is to disown your heir because he married a noblewoman?
Behind your back.
>You really wouldn't stop it this way if they truly loved each other
This is politics. And if they "truly love" one another, they'll be fine without inheriting the throne.
>he did not suddenly raise his own private army.
It's not exactly unheard of.
>So your son is gonna get a harem of female knights? Lucky boy.
Others are gonna go behind your back with matters of great import to the state. Members of the royal family do not get to marry whoever they like. If the church or another political entity is strong enough, the king himself might not even have a choice in who to marry.
>>46636002
You know, they only gave Jesus 39 lashes because they were sure the 40th would have killed him.
>>46634811
Brush up your Shakespeare. It is about how blood feuds are destructive to all involved with no winner possible, but it's also a given that the kind of unreasoning, blind love Romeo and Juilet had is itself destructive and leads primarily to sorrow, because the two of them -- just the two of them -- had a good three chances to avert the mutual kill but were too rash, hotheaded, and unthinking to do so.
Both are true.
>>46636107
Well, give him as many as possible without killing him then.
>>46636140
>unreasoning, blind love
Yeah, but their love was more passionate lust than anything. We dont know how long knight and prince have been together.
>>46635964
>I still have to punish them somehow, though, in private if nothing else, so they learn not to go behind my back.
Let them marry, make it look like your idea, and even magnanimously gift the lady knight with a land grant. In the borderlands. That she now has to establish law and order for a crop of homesteaders on. While her new husband attends to his duties in the royal court for a couple years. They get their wedding night, but then a long separation full of bitter work for both of them and no solace but looking forward to the day when you decide your son has learned his lesson (and plenty of extra statesmanship besides).
>>46636261
What will the other noble houses think, if I separate husband and wife, my own son and daughter-in-law? I'll need another crime to blame in on, one which doesn't cast doubt on my ability to control my family and to act firmly against those who go behind my back in matter of great political importance.
>>46636140
The original text it was based on was about how young people are idiots.
Shaking Spear's was not.
>>46636261
This is a pretty bad punishment. I dont know about the knight, but your son will definitely come to hate you. If you have to punish them, i recommend making it not have to do with their relationship. Torture your son all you want, but dont come between the marriage
>>46636608
And also dont rape the knight. Then you have a group of adventurers who are gonna want to prove themselves by taking down the evil king.
>>46636998
>rape the knight
What? Who said anything about raping anyone?
>>46636608
>>46636350
Politics will often keep such a highly ranked couple apart for a time. If they can't stand the demands that rulership makes, they had better learn to bear it. The separation itself is a lesson -- especially to the son. If he wanted a fucktoy waiting in his chambers he should have let me marry him off to a do-nothing princess who'd make excellent live-in, baby-making furniture. Perhaps to pass this punishment/teaching experience off as "pressing affairs of state" a honeymoon must be allowed, but I hold nonetheless that the best response in such a situation is to build rather than destroy. Ensure those in error see the error of their ways and learn from it, especially when the future of the line is in such hands. Providing them such separate tasks teaches them what they will need as king and queen some day: statesmanship, management ability, perseverance, and restraint.
Clearly framing the purpose as twofold (or three, since they'll be doing important work as well as being punished and learning) would also hopefully breed acceptance of the fact that this is the magnanimous option.
>>46637045
Anytime i think female knight, i think rape. It might have been freudian
>>46635888
Who let the prince get classes in Bard?
>>46637229
Sounds like something to keep between you and the nice doctor, anon.
>>46635888
>for some reason they just don't die
>the entire battle hardened royal guard is synonymous with the prince's harem
>>46637744
>The Royal Harem Guard just keeps growing
>One day see ratfolk female in there
>Unable to look your son in the eyes for a week
Such is the life for the dad of Bard Formerly Known As Prince.
>>46621767
If that's only the 44th floor, I'll eat my modem.
>>46614782
Why the fuck do I even have this on my computer? What purpose was this thing made for?
>>46614883
>all my slots
hah
>>46638284
>he could have let the son marry a beautiful noblewoman
>he is now in a relationship with a male furry bandit.
Damn it dad.
>>46638865
The fruits of parental meddling, everyone.
>>46611029
I roll to seduce.
dice+1d20
>>46637105
I hope to god you never have children, and pity any that you might possibly have (although I sincerely doubt that.)
It's like your entire point of view comes from shitty meme games and daytime TV.
>>46639576
>Because theorizing the response of a fantasy monarch is totally applicable to the modern world.
>>46639679
>I was only pretending :^)
>>46640032
Not him, but I'm fairly certain you're being serious.
>>46640261
Not myself, but I'm fairly certain that you're not.
>>46640312
That I'm not not him or not fairly certain?
>>46640404
The latter.
>>46640425
What am I then?
>>46640473
Facetious.
>>46638951
Sauce?
>>46611029
me and my crew shoot them all
>>46611029
Why do the guards look away?
>>46611029
Let them kill me, auto revive afterwards
Damn it feels good to be a healer
>>46611029
>world-hopping rogue
Runs away if he is alone, retreats and shoots at them from a safe distance if he has his party with him.
>silver age powerhouse
Grins and cracks his knuckles. Then comms his team that there are hostiles at his positions and charges.
>roll for initiative
>half-elf sorceror (low level)
Runs away at top speed, trying to find a place to hide from the amazons.
>human cleric of healing
Hides behind the big tough warrior and draws his bow, ready for action.
>>46634527
>using the Legacy Weapon rules
>>46634750
What about a Dschinghis Khan of wizards?
>>46611029
Roll for seduction
Rolled 24 (1d100)
>>46611029
Roll for seduction
>>46611088
Sharpened swastikas.
>>46645541
You have rolled poorly, what next?
>>46645350
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvS351QKFV4&nohtml5=False
>>46611413
>laugh as the arrows do nothing and proceed to launch high explosives at the tarts for messing with the wrong alchemist over some trade agreements
>launch high explosives at the tarts
>launch high explosives tarts
I think you are on to something here.
