Hear ye, hear ye. I hereby call to order this meeting of the most illustrious Mages Guild! Now then, first order of business, because I find this hilarious. The fighters guild is petitioning for us to shut down our Department of Muscle Wizardry, claiming, and I quote "It isn't fair that wizards get all the nice things." I know, I know, it's great. SHOULD HAVE PICKED UP A BOOK, JOCKS! But anyway, turns out that they've got some sway or something, I don't know. Obviously, we're not shutting down the Muscle Wizard department, so we're either going to have to fold them into something else, or just rename them.
And before I forget, congratulations to Abgerth the Abominable on his five hundredth ressurection. We all though he would stop after one hundred, but look where he is now.Welcome to the Mages' Guild. Pick a name and join in! Conflicts are resolved with d20s when needed, or with playing it out. When the thread dies on /tg/, we keep it going on archive.4plebs For additional resources, please visit http://1d4chan.org/wiki/Mage%27s_guild
Fold them into transmutation or illusion. Transmutation because it's all about modification, illusion because it's all about appearances.
We have a muscle wizardry department?
Yo man that's some serious bull shit! et's cast giant robot fist at them or something!
>>46207398
I agree with the transmutation but that illusion comment is bullshit man.
>>46207441
Heya dead man!
>>46207341
How many muscle wizards are actually in that department? Three?
>>46207470
I'm not dead.
Do I look like a lich?
Don't... actually answer that.
WE SHOULD GO TO THE FIGHTERS GUILD AND RIP AND TEAR
>>46207470
They're all about aesthetics, aren't they? That's what illusion is about as well.
>>46207480
I think at least five.
>>46207341
Why not just have them merge with applied magic?
>>46207480
It certainly seems that way, I think I've only met two or three so far.
>>46207441
you would be surprised at the departments we have
Why not just transfer them over to my department?
We're short on Wranglers since our budget got cut last quarter and we abandoned our sheep breeding program.
We still got zilch in terms of budget, but if they wrassle down the critters when we need them to, they can do whatever else they like.
We just need people who are:
- Strong
- Resistant to fluid borne diseases
- Enjoy working with animals
Please remember, many of our studies seem strange, but keep an open mind, we're all professionals here.
>>46207520
The Mussel Wizards are still around? Or is it just you these days?
>>46207526
If you want them, then they are yours. It would save us a lot of time and effort.
>>46207482
Yes.
>>46207512
.....But that's wrong you shit.
>>46207520
>Angil, what's yup my man?
>Fist bump
>>46207526
God damn sheep fuckers....
>>46207520
I guess I probably would.
>>46207589
I told you not to answer.
>>46207595
I do what I want, Lich.
>>46207526
I think that they would prefer not working with a herd of smelly obnoxious beasts. Or your animals.
But apparently I don't know very much about muscle wizards, or mussel wizards, so I could very well be mistaken.
>>46207589
Insulting me doesn't make a point for you.
Is this where I apply to be a Soulknife?
>>46207480
At least sixty now. This fellow here has been conscripting impressionable youths with his sorcerous regimen after he saved the town hall, and as such we now have a full-blown gym tower.
>>46207618
Pbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtb
>>46207624
Yes.
>>46207615
I'm not a lich!
>>46207647
What? When?
>>46207624
What, exactly, IS that, young... I'll hazard a guess, man? We do teach all sorts of applied war wizardry, if that is what you seek.
>>46207624
I think that's something entirely different. Try the adventurer's guild.
>>46207647
Oh dear...
>>46207618
>>46207589
Hey now, we're all colleagues here, working as best we can to advance our understanding of magic and whatnot.
I mean, sure, there was that nasty incident with the vampiric pubic lice, and that one time the bees achieved sentience and I suppose we have to bear some of the blame for that cross-dressing ostrich fiasco, but in our defense, the mayor was very drunk and never noticed.
But look at all the good we've achieved! We can now breed sheep with wool of any visible color!
Well, we could, before our budget was slashed.
I still have great hope for the Goat-Man project though, we're going to make them twelve foot high, very strong and immune to magic!
>>46207666
As of last week. We used the one on the high energy pyromancy testing range, since the lads moved over next to the geomancers. Perfect symbiosis, that.
>>46207624
We mainly deal in arcane magic here. And if I'm not mistaken Soulknives are psionics.
>>46207647
Will Applied Evocation take in the muscle wizards then?
Why don't you just uh, blow up the fighters guild?
HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT HOOT
>>46207341
How about we change our department to "Not Muscle Wizardy Department"? It's not like the Fighters pay much attention to us anyways.
>>46207482
You look a little pale Veilhex, you should drink more protein potions.
>>46207666
Your trips say otherwise, Satan
>>46207673
Yo Sammy! What's shaking?
>>46207685
Oh shit you saying I could be getting my freak on with a fly honey right now?
>>46207589
my existence is a waking agony
i was not meant to exist
why must you fiends think "hahaha! i wodner what it would be like if i created a mussel that is also a wizard? ahaha!"
>>46207707
I'm... not even going to comment on that.
>>46207717
Because then the fighters will be homeless and complain even more.
>>46207727
I am not pale!
Okay, maybe a little, but shut up, I don't work for you.
>>46207730
>Grumbles
>Loud bubbling noises as he steps into the room
Has anyone seen a plastic tub bout this big and this wide? Labeled 'Gains'
Someone took it from my room and I seriously doubt they know what they are getting into.
>>46207709
I don't see why not. Muscle Wizards take naturally to the more martial aspects of sorcery, and we could always use better PR.
>>46207717
That would be horrible form, just three days after we tested Percival's Pulsating Plasma Pillagers on their countermagic department.
>>46207730
Right now, not much - though given the state of the department, that can change fairly quickly. Earthquakes aren't an uncommon occurrence.
>>46207685
I think that last part is will get your funding clashed further. Don't make magic immune creatures, they are too troublesome to put down when they get loose.
>>46207717
I think we have an agreement somewhere where we promise that we won't.
>>46207753
Good.
>>46207717
Why don't you just uh, go clean up this mess?
>Knocks over a trashcan
>>46207739
hahahahah! Such a kidder
>>46207751
Uhh hey man, can i get some weed?
>>46207760
Hey is it true you where making out with your red headed double?
>Runs away cackling, oh what a silly raskle he is
>>46207730
Um. Uh. If - if by that you mean, uh, conducting *ahem* breeding experiments in controlled environments..
Look. Just come by my office and I'll, uh, educate you on the procedures to make sure everything is contained.
>>46207739
Now, now. Bruce and I have been talking about ethics during the weekly drinks and we've concluded that meaning and the natural order has no place when desire comes into play.
To study. Desire to study.
Speaking of which, our staff meetings are held in the "Swinging Swine" tavern, and there's plenty of seats if anyone cares to join us tomorrow!
>>46207792
I'm on break
Culo
Oh, has someone called the Muscle Wizards to order?
It's been quite a while since the last meeting I've attended, please, forgive me.
I went West in order to help out some problems with the more unruly Orc tribes. All done now, I can assure you.
>>46207799
one day your boundless curiosity will mark the end of this world.
also can we please put a ban on seafood in the cafeterium it makes me uncomfortable
>>46207751
>Burps
Nope, haven't seen it at all.
>>46207719
Did someone lose their familiar? Whatever happened to the "On leash at all times" rule?
>>46207778
They're just 12 foot high Goat-Men, I don't see what the issue is? It's not like that time magic immune rabbits got out, we've specifically bred the Goatmen to be very easy to spot!
Besides, we've got a bit of setback anyway. There was some...cross-pollination, I guess when we left the goats next to the octopus tank.
Anyway, you should all stick to showers for a bit and avoid the public water system.
In unrelated news: Octopi are very clever! It turns out they can open doors, pickpocket Bruce, knife a man in the back and hold their breath for hours!
>>46207854
Well stay away from it yeah? It makes you gain bodyhair that would make a Hair Elemental blush with envy.
>Bubble bubble
>>46207792
Nah im off duty man.
>>46207882
>sigh
It is times like this that I'm glad that I'm commuting from the other side of the continent.
>>46207792
...
>Sammy is getting tired of this gag. For the longest time the two took great strides to avoid each other, and people seem to forget that.
>>46207854
I don't remember that rule. Then again we rarely have familiars in the geomancy department - some people have pet rocks though, but they're well-trained.
>>46207854
HOOT HOOT HOOT
Well met all! My, did the guildhall blow up again? Looks like it's been redecorated, though that might just be these eyes of mine. Like what's been done with the curtains.
Now what's all this discussion... Muscle wizardry? Isn't that sort of... Chi magic? Not the proper arcane stuff, using bodily energies to create effects? Just fold it into the closest thing to that, surely.
>>46207960
THAT IS SLANDER!
I can provide a list of twelve people who can vouch for my whereabouts and activities for that entire day!
>>46207799
YOU CAN'T CONTAIN DEEZ NUTS!
>>46207896
You used to be cool man
>>46207937
Calm down bro it's just a social experiment!
>>46207960
Isn't that a shapeshifted druid? It looks like a druid to me.
>>46207937
Oh, speaking of which, can we borrow, say, ten or fifteen of your apprentices? We need some mock fortifications built for a demonstration for the royal artillery corps later this week. New developments in siege magic and whatnot, awfully boring stuff but what can you do, it brings the grants in.
>>46207896
>Scratches lengthening sideburns
Sure, whatever you say my danky companion.
>>46207882
What do these Goat-Men taste like? Goat? Or Man? I need to know for.... reasons. Also how much butchers does our guild have again?
>>46207960
I hope nobody expects me to clean up after this bird.
>>46208004
We ..we can't *eat* the Goat-Men! They're like our children! In many ways, we had a hand in creating them!
But studies indicate they taste like goat.
So far, they're only pygmy Goat-Men, but a big fellow like you ought to be able to help with that!
>>46207960
Reminds me, must work on that mechanical owl for that special order... some kind of cleric as I recall. Which one has an owl symbol? So many divines, hard to untangle them all.
Anyway, I don't have any mice or.. bits of rabbit or whatever you eat.
>>46208032
>a mage is now chainsawed in half on the floor
HE LOOKED AT ME FUNNY
>>46207991
HOOT HOOT... HOOT HOOT HOOT!
>>46208058
HOOT.
>>46208004
[distant distressed bleating]
>>46208044
[distant placated bleating]
>>46208003
Alright, it seems promising for some of our more ambitious apprentices. I'll need to see specifications before offering the opportunities to the apprentices. Do you just need walls or something a bit more involved?
>>46208059
Jesus Christ!
Where do I hand in my pink slip
>>46208059
Gods dammit, I thought we kicked you guys out.
>>46208123
You don't. Just run.
>>46208123
FUCK YOU AND CLEAN IT UP!
>>46208113
One set of conventional ones, and one set that can withstand, let me see, where did I put the damn notes... ah, there we go. Twenty six minutes of direct exposure to a volume of elemental fire exactly equivalent to the internal volume of the fighter's guild main hall.
>>46208073
I am sure that this young person is a perfectly nice, adult for their species individual and that any sort of misunderstandings can be smooth over.
Furthermore animal witnesses are *not* permissible in court! The legal department made this very clear.
Any..any isses with druids can be...can be seen to. I'm sure that if there *were*, not saying there is, but if there *were* a captured druid we would *know* and *act* immediately if we suspected *anything* at all.
You understand?
>>46208106
No. Please. Please don't let it be the Octo-goats.
Does anyone have salt-lick on them? They have no other weaknesses that I know of.
>>46208139
Bite me.
>>46208138
Ma told me to never run from my problems.
>Oh fuck it's a dragon!
>Nope, just chuck testa
>>46208183
No, but I have ten eager young lads from Experimental Phlogiston Physics eager to test out their new theory. Expansion and propagation of phlogiston in atmosphere! Fascinating stuff, and perfectly safe. Just led Theodore here read his scroll, will you?
>Is snoring loudly in the corner, a glass of waht looks like brandy precariously balanced on a talon.Because I am falling asleep but still wanted to make an appearance
>>46208183
[distant intruiged, yet cautious misc. goat noises]
>>46208176
. . .
I can get two or three apprentices to work on the standard castle walls. But for something that can withstand that firepower would take most of the department's resources, including those from several experts and teachers.
For that, we would need some substantial compensation.
>>46208183
>>46208269
>accusative hooting
>>46208215
Smart woman. But CLEARLY she never taught you how to deal with mages.
>>46208228
Anything is better than falling to their slimy, suction cup lined tentacle-hooves!
I'll...I'll just go get senior wrangler Bruce for observation. Yes.
>>46208262
>shouting "It's okay, come to papa!"
>whispers "Be ready, show no mercy, for they can feel none".
>>46208269
Oh, don't be dramatic, it's just fire. In a controlled environment, no less. You should've seen what the lads in High Energy Pyrourgy cooked up last week. Or maybe not, the one fellow who did see it needed his face regenerated and his eyes magicked back in. ANYWAY, do name your price, seeing as you're our only hope for this to work smoothly. Oh, which reminds me, I need to see if the fighters changed anything in the external architecture of their hall.
>>46208297
I have no comment and would like to speak with my legal representative.
*Ahem*
I am also legally obligated to inform you that I'm a registered Magical Crossbreeding Enthusiast.
>>46208307
[distant yet approaching hoof noises]
What's this about salt lick- by the spirits what ARE you doing? Is that some kind of mutated octopus? And just WHERE do you think you're pointing that spell? You could hurt someone with that.
>>46208307
Ah, and there we go. Do refrain from open flames, Theodore here tells me that everything in and within about ten meters of the sewers is now violently combustible. Including, apparently, senior wrangler Bruce. The main thing is you just need a small spark and the octogoats will disappear from your life forever. If you aim correctly at close range, that is.
>>46208044
I can totally help with that! Fattening them up...
>Saliva runs down into suddenly grown beard.
>>46208106
BY THE GODS THEY REALLY ARE 12 FEET TALL
>>46208334
Just fire. Just the result of the oldest magick that's been practiced since the First Age. One of the most destructive elemental arts and is prone to just vaporizing things in a fit of pique. I'm not being dramatic, I'm just putting things in terms you'll see.
This is going to cost you a lot, and that's if there is ANY price some of my people are willing to put the work into this monstrosity. We'll be in touch.
FOOLS! Soon I shall be free! Then you shall all know the terror of Krishnar!
Also! Don't you think using an eldritch lord as a battery is a bit of a waste!?
>>46208396
Under the article 152, paragraph C, subsection 3, I cannot be compelled to provide genetic samples that could be used to cast spells involving my person, including, but not limited to curses, enchantments and paternity tests.
>>46208415
Ahem, anyway. Is there anything that can be done to turn senior wrangler Bruce non-combustible again? Professor Bruce and I have need of the senior wrangler.
And, technically, I can't cast magic per say, so would some bits of flaming paper be enough?
>>46208424
Well, I guess welcome to the team!
If the senior wrangler survives, it'll be you, me, Professor Bruce, Senior Wrangler Bruce and our lawyer, Bruce. If not, it's you and me.
>>46208464
Just fire in a controlled environment as in, not, for example, solar plasma in a self-propagating fractal pattern of potentially infinite size. And we're not asking you to stick around, just to build the setpiece, thus facilitating some practice and cooperation. The apprentices from applied pyromancy and yours have been doing it since we moved the range, to mutual benefit and friendship. I say we should follow their example.
>>46208535
>Accidentally leans on the emergency release switch
>>46208464
>>46208334
We could always just use money to train more Muscle Wizards and then hold a body building contest, which ever guild loses has to disband for a month.
>>46208595
>Puts a coffee down on the button labeled 'Secret Release Switch that isn't just a decoy to distract Noone like the other emergency release switch'
>>46208547
Article... what? I don't ...so... no salt-licks?
Damn everything and you especially for distracting me. Okay.. okay.. I'm going back to the library stacks.. maybe stuff my ears with wool while I'm at it.
This entire place has far too many distractions. And explosions. And tentacles.
>>46208561
Like I said, I'll see what we can do. But you're asking a lot more than you expect, and I don't even know if 100 apprentices would be able to pull off that part of the order.
>>46208547
Perhaps we should look into funding more legal aid, seeing as how we only have one lawyer, and thanks to Pablo we're now out of our only janitor! Who is going to clean Hooty McOwlface now?
>>46208547
Oh, it'll pass, it'll pass. Eventually. Keep him away from any sparks or flames or direct sunlight or non-sub-zero temperatures for a few days and the phlogiston with eventually diffuse and settle in its proper places. Probably.
And you don't need magical fire. Or fire at all. Just a bit of heat or a small spark. A bit of flaming paper might be slight overkill, in that it may explode the entire sewage system if applied unjudiciously.
>>46208638
Ahaha! I'm free! Now I'm gonna get the fuck outta here and grab a coffee from the place down the multiplanar street.
I'll slaughter you all later, I just need to stretch my horrific legs after being stuck in that prism for so long. Seeya!
>>46208751
Theodore, give me my goggles and fire the thing.
>>46208670
Wait. You're not one of ours? Well, damn me, someone's gotten to making magic Goatmen!
I'm reporting this! It's clearly infringement on our department.
And, uh, incidentally, why don't you come over to the pens some time? We got loads of salt lick. All sorts of things you'd love.
>>46208719
Oh, Bruce isn't with the Faculty legal team, he's just our advisor on the, how do you say, legal matters of human-animal hybrids.
We kind of have no money, but a lot of animals. Most are harmless, like the tarantulas that feint when they see people, or the regular goats, or the cloud things - we aren't sure what they are or how they got there - but some of the nastier critters will need sorting out. Fire breathing hedgehogs (I have an autistic nephew, he loves the little things), the aforementioned sentient bee swarm and maybe one or two shapeshifters.
Anyway, I can make a mean kebab, but we need a good sous-chef.
>>46208702
Thank you. I'll wrangle some transmuters as well, as soon as any of their seniors show up. And sign up for some applied geomancy, purely to know what to expect, of course.
>>46208751
...was that a giant spider made of stars and insanity that just went past?
Thought the fellow lived in the basement. Remember me and the other apprentices used to feed him rejects from the biomancy laboratories back when. Didn't know he could talk.
>>46208881
Oh. Oh. OH. THEODORE, DO NOT FIRE THE THING. IT IS, APPARENTLY, A REGISTERED MEMBER, AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME!
>>46208836
You... don't get out much do you? Do the beastfolk races not ring any bells? I was born, not made. Not like this place is lacking for a variety of races and.. beings though.
Ah, I suppose I could use the rest from research anyway. Staring at listed truenames does strange things to you after a while.
Example; seeing giant talking spiders. Though that might be real around here.
>>46208933
Blimey! Old "eight-eyes" was a mage all along? I always figured the chap was a familiar or experiment all along.
Funny thing, the cage had decoy switches to open it everywhere. Never did figure out what that was all about.
>>46208881
That was my cousin, Jim, also later, fuckers!
>KRISHNAR opens a celestial gate an enters the celestial plane of starbucks and caffeine, closing the gateway behind himself
>>46208963
Beastfolk ...races?
Wait. Are you sure?
It's just, you wouldn't believe how much you remind me of my great uncle Billium.
Didn't we used to have some kind of chronomancer around here?
>>46208751
So are we just going to let him leave? Screw it, let the Fighters deal with it.
>>46208836
Oh okay. I must meet this Bruce then. Do the bees create any special honey? I'm feeling a bit thirsty and could do with some honeyed tea.
>>46208837
Alright, I'll carve out something for you.
I'm back, baby.
>>46209017
It was a mage once, apparently. Some sort of... I think they're called alienists. Real bluesky research, far out. Portals to and energies of worlds that don't work like ours. Wrong physics, wrong biologies that sort of thing.
THE KOBOLDS ARE HEADING FOR AN INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION
THE ORCS WILL GATHER UNDER A NEW WARLORD
KRISHNAR COMES BACK WITH STARBUCKS
>>46209135
You've certainly kindled my interest.
>>46209079
We're not local, but it's not like we're any great secret.. The northlands? Mountain tribes? No? Nothing? There's a few in the city, though I know most mages aren't much for walking around outside their towers and libraries...
Though I suppose I wouldn't be surprised if there was some magic in our making. If it is, it's a very old magic..
>>46209139
Didn't you die horribly?
I could have sworn you died horribly.
Or maybe you just had lunch on Taco Tuesday. There's very little difference.
>>46209176
Well, we all know that's wrong, he's been gone so long even if he did show up it'd be cold.
>>46209102
Well, the Beeing, as we've taken to calling it is very vulgar. It keeps trying to convince us to drink the honey.
It's all "Oh, yeah, you drink my honey, sugar-slut" and things like that. But aside from making you feel a little embarrassed, it seems to be normal honey.
The goats secrete ink instead of milk and their droppings, when combined with water turn into regular paper. If we could nail the right combination, we could make paperclips out of their toenail clippings and be free from the tyranny of the office supply despots.
Don't go in the dungeon. That's for senior staff only. Things get a little weird there.
>>46209246
Well, my father, and his father, most of us as far back as we can remember have always dreamed of infusing men and sheep, so we can create our own wool.
It might be a different branch of the family up north had similar, if slightly different goals.
I...uh, never got much fancy schooling and could travel none, so I just stuck to being an academic, like everybody else in the family.
>>46209139
>Comes out of nowhere lightning fast
Fight me, faggot!
>>46209139
OH SHIT.
>>46209294
I died..
and survived!
>>46209025
I say, doesn't coffee have some dreadful effect on spiders? Oh! Already left. Damned shame, the fellow gave me an excellent idea for a new model.
"ArachnoForged!".... hmmm, no.. no, that doesn't sound right. Need to work on the name.]
>>46209151
Oh yes, now that *does* ring a bell. Something the senior lecturers were working on a few years back. That what became of it then? Most odd.
You.. you think that counts as a success or failure in that particular arcane research? Never been sure with that lot, what what!
AT LEAST ONE GOBLIN WILL DISCOVER THE MEANS TO NUCLEAR FISSION
GIANT SPIDER EGGS SHALL BE SEEDED IN ALL GOBLINS ABOVE THE AGE OF 10
THE SWINE GROW RESTLESS
>>46209294
DO NOT WORRY HE WILL MAKE SURE TO STOP BY THE ELEMENTAL PLANE OF FIRE ON THE WAY BACK
>>46209373
Oh.
>>46209333
>Shrug
Well, I can't argue with that logic.
>>46209316
You don't stand a chance, pretty boy!
>>46209337
It produced a definite result, I'd say it's a success. The hard part is, whom do we credit and how do we make that... our esteemed colleague pay its dues and follow the guidelines as to outside interaction?
>>46209306
Well.. my wool coat's not up to much if I'm honest. Wear vests like other mountain folk. Hooves are good though, never thought much of humanoid feet. Too.. complicated and fleshy.
Always a good idea to see what other people do similar to you though, see if there's shortcuts.
Tried to make a totem of a great wind spirit once, so I invoked the true name with this ritual (very complicated)... turns out the spirit's name was just in the "Spiritas Compenium" all along. Didn't need to bother with half the effort.
>>46209333
>It's trips, it must be true
>>46209454
You're attempts of persuasion are futile, I got gypped of a fight last time and I don't plan on being denied my fight again!
>Creates a psionic blade
Now, make your move or be slaughtered where you stand!
>>46209520
It'd be nice if we could spend a day without some sort of fight breaking out around here.. though I think the apprentice betting pool would collapse in on itself from the sheer unlikelyhood of it occuring.
Rolled 6 (1d20)
>>46209520
>Lunges at you
Let's dance!
>>46209658
Aaaand there we go. Anyone got any snacks? Salted popcorn maa~ybe?
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>46209658
HOOT HOOT
Rolled 15 (1d20)
>>46209628
Look man, I don't know when I would next get the chance.
>>46209658
Perfect!
>Lunges as well and attempts to cut across your chestThe blade is blunt and so only causes psionic damage.
>>46209628
Well well well, it certainly has been a while.
>>46209079
The paperwork could take decades to attempt forays into the future again and from what I've been told no one is pleased with what occurred, so at the moment we're keeping the divination department guessing on what's in the works.
>>46209723
>owl is kill
>>46209742
>you bash the man aside midair.
Think you're tough punk?! Nay heathen!
Rolled 13 (1d20)
>>46209915
Yeah, I do think I'm tough. Now take this!
>He dashes forward and attempts to unleash a flurry of blows on you with his psionic blade
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>46209998
About as tough as fluff!
>Chainsaw thrust
>sees a chainsawmancer fighting some pretty boy
..What the fuck is even going on.
>>46209798
I suppose it has, but then I've had plenty to do other than Guild politics recently.
>>46210065
I've got five on the pretty one with one of the 'prentices.
You don't get to retain good looks and pick fights that often without knowing how to dodge.
>>46210065
I've read about this. It's a mating ritual.
They're fighting to establish dominance, the loser will warp their genitals to female and then get impregnated.
Someone forgot their research papers and I found them. Never did come back to claim them, though.
Anyway, sadly, the mother dies in childbirth, as the spawn erupt from her body after consuming her from within.
>>46210065
>Floating above the chaos, a small smirk on his face
No idea, I must admit
Rolled 13 (1d20)
>>46210026
Now, I'll end this!
>Gathers chaos energy on his right foot
Oooooooh....
>Jumps into the air and does a flip
>Then twists his body and gains a position optimal for swooping flying kick
>He drops towards you leg first and attempts to knock you out in an explosion of chaos energy
Rolled 10 (1d20)
>>46210026
>these rolls, oh my god
>>46210221
>wipes blood off his lip
Sometimes you like to stick your foot in the water before you jump in. You're a pretty cold lake, buddy.
>Shoots a rocket chainsaw at you
>defeated hoot
>>46210221
...that has to be the least efficient use of magic I have ever seen. And my teachers were quite literally senile.
Looks damned impressive however.
>>46210328
>Actually, it's not magic
>But I won't get into it if you don't care
>>46210327
>Pets the owl
There, there, these things happen
>>46210328
I must agree with you, a little too flashy
>Currently juggling multicolored stars
>>46210343
If it looks like magic, works like magic and blows up like magic, you're right I don't care if it's not actually magic. Because it's basically just magic.
>>46210346
Showoffs. All of you. I'm surrounded by showoffs.
I swear, half of all spells were invented just so someone, somewhere can turn to a collegue and say "Hey, look what I can do!"
>>46210476
That...is a fair statement, flashiness is part of our repertoire. I was an entertainer before joining the guild however, so I kept the flair.
>The stars disappear and Oriaja offers a hand
Oriaja Murtsa, member of Eldritch Studies. Pleasure to meet you
>>46210476
>That was OOC
>Because Lurco is too concerned with the fight
>Or, well, the end of the fight
>>46210299
>Lands behind Doss as he sustains enough damage from the chaotic energies to render him unconscious
>Turns around and approaches Doss, picking him up
>>46210535
I'll be taking him to the healers'. Glad I got that off my to-do list.
>>46210476
>>46210535
>suggestive hooting
>Roller stakes in
Muscle wizards get fu-
>crashes into a wand rack
>>46210633
Need some help there?
>>46210581
>Narrows his eyes
What is it you're implying Hooty?
>>46210554
As you wish Lurco.
>>46210728
I'm okay!
>Just destroyed hundreds of thousands of gold in wands
>>46210728
Don't fall for it.
That Owl's a slut.
I have a legal specialist on hand if...things get out of hand. Don't worry, he's a professional.
Unless he's incinerated.
Hello~!
I had the best idea~!
We should increase funding for a MAGICAL IDOL CONCERT!
Then we can use LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP to win over the people who are complaining~!
>>46210783
>YELLS FROM AFAR
YOU SHOULD FUCKING KILL YOURSELF
>>46210783
>Yells from a hallway
Sounds great! Also, when you next see your department head, tell her that me and her need to talk!
>>46210728
>further hooting of a suggestive nature
>>46210764
>disapproving feather ruffling!
>>46210783
The fuck's a magical idol?
>>46210764
Wendle it happened again!
>Whatever "it" is is up to you
>>46210830
>Sweating
>>46210783
>Chuckles
Hello Miss, that sounds wonderful, though you will have to talk to the head of your department about it.
>>46210830
Hooty please.
>>46210858
>>46210751
If you're sure then. Just pretend a redrobe did it or something, they're easy to blame.
>>46210764
Okay, thank you for your assistance
>>46210535
Nohma Caprahn, shaman. Don't mind the complaining, it's just what I do. Well, mind it a little bit, maybe. Don't mind the smell though, my magic needs physical reagents.
>>46210554
Pretty face won... Hah! Five silver to me, I thin- wait where'd that apprentice go? Owes me coin, now.
>>46210581
>nervous bleating
>>46210751
>distressed low-income mage noises
I WAS MESSING AROUND WITH SOME CONJURATION MAGIC CIRCUITED THROUGH THE NINE HELLS AND I ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED BAFTIS, SHE SAYS SHE OWNS ME NOW. SEND HELP.
>>46210811
But then how would I spread love and friendship, silly~.
>>46210818
Okay, mister!
>>46210851
Welll~
They're like Idols, but MAGICAL!
They sing and dance and use friendship and love to make things explode!
>>46210554
Asset Recovery is awarded first pick pertaining to contents of the loser's pockets. If you want it back remember turnabout is fair play so we can withhold such contributions made to our activities.
Okay everyone, here's the coffee, along with all the paper work that require your signatures
>>46210903
Oh.
Makes sense, I suppose.
>>46210902
That sounds like a personal problem.
>>46210913
>Is already gone, bringing the man to the healer's ward
>>46210903
...I HAVE A BONER!
>>46210901
Nice to meet you, and I don't mind, I can understand the exasperation.
>>46210924
>Takes the coffee
Thank you Mortimer, I appreciate it. How're you?
>>46210902
Have you tried dying yet? Or maybe faking your death? Or just asking your lawyers to settle it out of court?
>>46210903
>hooting of an obscure nature
>>46210901
>>46210858
>further damning hoots of shame
>>46210892
Silly, I'm the Liaison. That means I can totally make decisions in relation to the Magical Girl Organization in conjunction with the Wizard Guild under Article #4475-B of the Crossrealm, Time and Dimension Agreements~
>>46210951
I think the lady who keeps cuddling with animals can take care of that~!
>>46210981
Hoot Hoot~?
>>46210971
I'm doing rather well, I finished sorting everyone's paperwork
Heard you guys were meeting, sorry I'm late. How's the progress coming on finding that big black tower thing? There was this rouge sorcerer that I beat the pudding out of, pretty small time. He wouldn't shut up about it.
>>46210981
Hooty, you're an owl, unless you can achieve a human form somehow, and I'm...well, I'm human, sorta. That'd be bestiality.
>Pats the owl's head
>>46211009
I'm glad to hear that
>Sips his coffee
Good as always Mort. How're your niece and nephew? Frank's kids?
>>46211005
Oh, you're outside the guild department then? because we already have a magical girl department here.
>>46210903
I thought Idols were symbolic conduits for divine or spiritual beings to manifest power and accept devotion?
Though that book was a little out of date..
>>46210924
So much paperwork.. other half of all spells made? To do paperwork faster. Sure of it.
>>46210971
Likewise. Nice trick with the lights by the way.
>>46210981
>confused goat noises
>>46211074
They are growing up fine.
>>46211075
I sort paperwork better then any spell can
>>46211075
Thank you, I create celestial objects as part of my magic, usually stars. The kids loved the tricks I could pull off with them.
>>46211104
I am glad to hear that, let me know if Frank and your sister need a babysitter or something. I'd be willing to look after them for a while
>>46210971
I have tried suicide multiple times but SHE KEEPS BRINGING ME BACK! Can you use your cosmic abilities to reverse the space time continuum and stop me from making this horrible decision?
>>46211074
We're related to them~!
They handle Arcane Magical Girls in the Guild, right?
We associate and support all magical girls no matter the source of their powers or planar affinity~!
>>46211075
Sometimes~!
Sometimes they're more Arcane based, and sometimes they're powered by unholy pacts with beings from outside of reality taking the form of adorable animals~!
...Gotta be careful with those ones, sometimes we have to get everyone together to put them down before they get out of hand.
Stupid quantum rats.
>>46211148
Thanks Oriaja, I will pass the message on
>>46211178
>arcane hooting
>>46211075
>mundane hooting
>>46211178
Sorry, I'm not a chronomancer, and the best I can suggest is talk to the lawyers assigned to you by the guild. How bad has the situation gotten?
>>46211240
>>46211074
>>46211221
It's no problem, I think it'd be fun, difficult, but fun.
>>46211195
Ah, alright, I don't know that much about magical girls myself. Oriaja, Miss, a pleasure to meet you.
>>46211195
>Comes back
Actually, they cover all Magical Girls as well I believe. Just most magical girls that exist draw their powers from gems of magical energy known as Source gems.
>He holds a hand out
The name's Lurco, I started helping out the head of the Magical Girl Department recently in understanding Magical Girls.
I'm not the most knowledgeable person on Magical Girls yet, but I like to believe I'm getting there.
>He smiles
You know, it would be nice if you assholes would give me notice when we're holding these god damn meetings.
>>46211104
Eh.. tempting but it's better I do it properly and know what I'm signing. Seen way too many geas placed on people not reading arcane contracts.
>>46211148
You... create stars? At that scale aren't they just fireballs? Most stars are just big fireballs I thought.
>>46211195
>takes out notebook
>scribbles in it
Never understand this magical girl idol magic.
>>46211240
I suppose I should have mentioned by now I don't understand you.
>>46211354
You want some coffee Lupa?
Regardless of what we do with the Muscle Wizards I must stress that we Punchomancers are a whole separate department that focuses on magical punching form and not musculature.
Meow.
>>46211384
I'm called the dutiful assistant for a reason
>>46211386
Yes, I would like that very much.
>>46211405
>>46211240
Okay, what is with the familiars?
>>46211354
Sorry Lupa, I'm not really in charge of those things, plus I got here not too long ago myself.
>>46211393
Hm? What's this about muscle wizards and punchomancers?
>Showed up late
>>46211314
>>46211321
Hrm, really? That means someone's not been telling me things.
I'll have to give them a spanking when I get back home~!
Nice to meet you both~!
>>46211384
THE MYSTERIES OF LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP~!
Oh, and while I'm here, please keep your pollution under control. I'm tired of dealing with horrific magically mutated monstrosities, when I should just be dealing with the regular kind of horrorific monstrosities.
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>46211405
HOOT HOOT HOOT
>>46211436
Oh god, there are more of them.
>>46211413
Hiss
>>46211444
Meow, meow meow meow
>>46211463
MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
>>46211414
Fighty-guys are mad that the Muscle Punch guys are a thing~!
...I think.
>>46211413
Of course Lupa.
>>46211444
>takes a flower
>squints their eyes
>Rips it in half
>takes another flower
>steps on it
>and another
>and another
>then takes trashcans and dumps them on the flowers and starts kicking the disgusting dead flowers now
FUCK YOU NATURE!
>>46211354
Why would we desire your oh so glorious company Lupa?
>>46211384
>Shrugs
Not really, due to the mixture of gasses and effects which can come from a star. besides, I don't just create stars, I can manipulate gravity, create something similar to comets, black holes, the works.
>>46211436
>Shrugs
I do not know, but yes, it's nice to meet you.
>>46211488
>>46211463
Calm yourselves
>Pets the both of them
No need to fight
>>46211436
Mysteries that I plan to figure out!
And it's nice to meet you too. What's your name?
>>46211491
Fighty guys?
. . .You mean the fighters?
>>46211488
That may be true Mittens, but it's no excuse.
>>46211509
Come on fellow practitioner, don't be like that. I came here in good faith.
>>46211444
FUCK YOU, I've already stopped dumping my apprentices failed experiments into the swamp, what more do you want!?
>>46211488
If no one claims it, I'm feeding it to Messy.
>>46211526
Because I'm obviously the most intelligent one here.
Is anyone else considering getting a familiar now? Seems like a productive use of magic.
>>46211436
I would complain about that not making any sense.
But then I still don't understand the core of my own discipline.
>>46211444
I've been there. It's the wraith clearup that's the worst.
>>46211526
Stars and gravity... Right... yeah. I have a feeling you want to be talking to the heavy-hitter mages. That's a little out of my league. By several leagues.
>>46211546
>throws trash in your face
You made us clean up the dead bodies! Dick!
Fucking druids.
>>46211393
Disgraceful. Everyone knows Musclomancy is the highest form of magic, punching is for the unenlightened.
>>46211463
Kk-Shk-kSHk *Ka-Click*
>>46211590
*gasps*
>Says in a soft tone
It's amazing.
>>46211557
I claim the cat.
>>46211579
Why would I want to do that? You seem perfectly capable of conversation, and I have much respect for shamans, my father was a shaman and taught me much.
>>46211590
Honestly that's just adorable
>>46211488
>>46211590
HOOT HOOT HOOT! HOOT HOOT HOOT!
>aggressive hooting continues
>>46211590
>ducks behind a muscle wizard
It has a wand!
>>46211586
Oh god, not my eternal fever dream made reality. Get out of here, you god damn stripper.
>>46211590
The fuck?
>>46211642
No, that's a cigarette. And some chunk of metal. Completely harmless.
>>46211178
Did someone say ~space time continuum~?
Yeah, sure, whatev-
>>46211634
>>46211590
>>46211488
Aaaaw, shit. This is when the familiars get out. Already? I'm not sticking around for this. See you all yesterwhenever.
>>46211586
Please, the School of Punchomancy was already well past the accreditation process when you were tulpa-ed into existence by the fighters guild!
>>46211590
HISS HISS MEOW
>>46211634
MEOW MEOW MEOW
>>46211546
Meow, meow? Meow.
>[HESITANT MEOWING IN THE DISTANCE]
>>46211583
Woah, I can't speak for other representatives of the Druid's Guild, I apologize if they acted unseemly. You really should take care of your corpses though. If you need help, I can provide some natural burial rites so that they don't come back, or you can just cover them in six inches of cement.
>>46211579
They're pretty common on the island I usually watch over, unfortunately. I had a freelance wizard look into it one time, but he didn't do a great job. Anyone want to swing by and look into it sometime? He might have mentioned something about a rift before he ran off, but I'm not sure.
>>46211634
KK- SKH- KSHSK-KSK- K!
>Angrier Chittering
>>46211737
Ksk-kk-kshk-skkk
>Placating Chitter
>>46211670
Oh.. I-I thought it had picked up one of the scattered wands. Heh.
>>46211632
Well.. I barely manage to understand what more powerful mages are speaking about. Interesting you know another shaman however. Seem to be in the minority compared to mages.
>>46211848
Ah, yes, there are not many shamans here, but I grew up in the frozen North, and we are a spiritual people there. Quite a few shamans up there.
>>46211791
If I can spare the time, perhaps. I was- and still am a local street mage though. Got a lot to deal with with so many souls crammed so close with the... various guilds. Fortunately the guilds are remarkably good at cleaning up after themselves. It's just what slips through the cracks that street mages have to deal with.
>>46211906
Another Northlander? Ah, it's been too long since I left this city. You know any news from the dragonscar mountains? Traders rarely visit so news is infrequent at best.
>>46211737
Of course.
>>46211794
Thank you for remaining civil.
>>46211634
There's no need for talk like that, there are certainly enough wizards to go around. In addition, I would remind you that if you are requested by someone in the guild, you will have the opportunity to review them. You're not going to get stuck with anyone you don't want to be with.
>>46211794
Hoot, hoot. Hoooot.
>>46211737
HOOT.
>>46211948
I heard there was a new brood of red dragons which routed out the old family. So yeah, need to go take care of that eventually. They're young and foolish and thus I will go handle it as a favor to the village.
>>46211973
>HOOT.
Meow meow meow. Meow meow, meow meow.
>>46211969
Meow.
>>46211794
Meow meow.
>>46211973
KKsk-kksks-skksh
>>46211969
Kks-shkk-sks-ks?
>Motions with cigarette
>>46212108
>Meow
Ksk-kks-skhs-ksk!
>>46212141
Is it safe to smoke when you're a crab? Not sure how your lungs work actually. or even if you have lungs. i think you do at the very least...
Uh, excuse me, I think I made a wrong turn around here? Can someone help me out? Oh, and um... is it dangerous to touch this?
>>46212079
That is.. troubling. Thank you for looking into it, my own tribe lives among the mountai-
Okay what is with these familiars? They keep ah.. making noises. Whose are they?
>>46211948
Thank you, any help you could provide would be useful. I don't have a lot of difficulty taking care of whatever comes out of them, but closing them for good without going through the plane in question would be nice for a change.
>>46212108
Someone has to.
>>46212141
Not as often as I would like. I usually miss the Druid's circle, since it is quite far away, but ever since I attended a meeting here regarding the impact of discoveries in clean-running heating magic, the invitations just... show up. I found the last one in my morning porridge.
>>46212211
EAT IT. That always works for me.
>>46212278
NO FUCK IT, goddamnit that's what we do! Goddamn voreamancers
>>46212243
I have...no idea really. Maybe someone let them out of their rooms or something? it's possible their masters are just incapable and let them roam
>>46212211
Hm? Door's right over there. And yes, it's dangerous to touch that.
>>46212211
Probably dangerous, why what is it you want to touch? Oh that? Er.. depends on your blood type I think. Or sexuality. Forget which. Don't touch it.
And what was it you needed help with?
>>46212278
>>46212309
>>46212312
....Uh... I think it blinked at me..
>>46212211
Probably.
What did you need help with?
>>46212210
Kk-shk-KK!
>Motioning intensifies
>>46212211
SK-KK-KKSH-SK!
>Panicked CHittering
>>46212243
Sk-KK-shks-ks.
>Shows "Lost Master" Poster
>>46212339
I wanted to reach an inn for the night, but some cats scared me in an alleyway, and I think I ended up here.
>>46212365
I don't wany trouble! I'm partially allergic to shellfish!
>>46212275
Ksk-kKks-kshk-KK.
>>46212275
Closing rifts is.. well it depends on what it's connected to but it's actually fairly simple for my particular brand of shamanism. That or near impossible.
So ah, yes I'll take a look.
>>46212309
Pity.. got me thinking about binding one of my own. Problem is picking a familiar though. So many varieties.
>>46212335
Oh that's the blood type one then. I think O type is the sort it's dangerous to.
>>46212421
B-b-ut I don't know what a bloodtype is? I just want directions to an inn!
>>46212385
Well, if you're a mage you can just sleep here for the night.
>>46212458
FUCK IT!
>>46212421
Hm, it's simply a matter of finding one which clicks with you.
>>46212458
>Sighs
Go out the door, take a left, go for a about half a mile, you'll find an inn.
>>46212365
Oh you lost your master little crab? Would you like some help finding them?
>>46212392
I'm well aware. Let's see if we can find who you belong to... there has to be someone able to scry around here, have anything that belongs to him (or her)?
>>46212421
It's rather thin, hence the wraiths, but I was delegated to the island in question because it has a history of nature-averse demonic infestation. Something to do with a local goddess. I suppose it's not so much the size, as it is the location to which it leads. I worry about it widening.
>>46212500
Someone let the sweaty homeless guy in again...wait no that's just randymancer.
>>46212459
I haven't even seen or heard of magic until I tumbled into this weird building!!
>>46212528
Thank you very much, good fortunes for thee.
>>46212554
Oh, one of those then.
The portals are down the hall and to the left, third door with a red frame. Good luck finding the right one.
Have any of you mortals seen my crab? He's small, quirky, and I taught him to smoke so he should be carrying a cigarette.
>>46212528
>>46212529
KK-SK-KSH-KKsK!
Kksh-kks-khs-kssk!
>Implying Master is Chronomancer
>>46212365
Sorry about that. Maybe try the Divination department?
>>46212528
With my luck it'll be a slug. Or just to be ironic an actual goat.
>>46212529
Wraiths and possibly demons, I think I can do that. Magical tears are easiest but that sounds doable.
Of course last time I said that I nearly died, wasted totems and it closed after another mage killed the keystone monster. Swings and roundabouts.
>>46212614
Aren't there a few hundre- ah nevermind. He'll figure it out.
>>46212654
Skitters! I told you not to run off.
>>46212630
KKSK-KSHK-KKSK!!!
>Angry, panicked Chittering
>>46212554
No problem my friend
>>46212630
Huh...okay
>Points to a completely different smoking crab
He's over there, Skitters here is not yours apparently.
>>46212654
Ah, alright, you'll want to talk to the supervisor of the department about it.
>>46212661
Heh, you never know though. Insects are a little too fragile for the north, maybe a fox or something?
>>46212661
Hence wishing him luck.
>>46212630
>>46212654
>>46212686
We have a crab, but I don't think it's the one you're looking for. Stop sending demons to my goddamn island. Unless you've taken up chronomancy in addition to being a massive pain in my ass?
>>46212700
Apparently you haven't.
>>46212661
I can advise you regarding familiars. We'll call it even if you help me out with the rift. I have a couple residents who can probably help, I've managed to enchant quite a few of their weapons to make them more effective against demonic incursion.
>>46212726
Maybe, but then again my home is here now so.. maybe a rat? Seem to be common for street mages.
>>46212748
It's a deal. Though it's best not to leave tears in reality unchecked, would help regardless.
>>46212728
Reminds me, I think one of the portals burnt out last I checked. That, or the reality it linked to was destroyed.
-cough- ACHK -coughs loudly- Does anyone -cough cough- does anyone have a -cough- a halls?
>>46212726
>>46212748
KSk-kshk-kk-kKs
>Waves Farewell
>>46212700
It does get annoying doesn't it Skitters? Let's pretend it has nothing to do with our habits and go back to what helps ignore such nonsense.
>>46212829
Oh. That one.
We had a portal there?
Not that I know anything about that. Unless, of course, it's the one to the plane that my department totally did not get paid to make an army for.
>>46212829
Possible, rats have many uses I must admit, a hound maybe? They're pretty common.
>>46212858
>Waves back
Goodbye Skitters! I wish you the best of luck with your quest!
Look sometimes you've just got to suck it up and slice open your guts and feed the entrails to the horde of sugar demons you summoned.
Just smash them into transmutation and call it a day.
Also we need a new second floor kitchen.
>>46212858
Best of luck on your journey. Some of the birds who frequent this neck of the woods will know how to get in touch with me, if you need anything.
>>46212829
They're an epidemic here. Most of them are relatively naturally occurring, and don't lead anywhere particularly harmful, so I let them be. I have a theory that the multiverse is trying to develop an equilibrium, and if that's the case, it's my duty to defend them. Demons are another matter entirely, of course. Is there anything you'll need me to get my hands on before we set out, or anyone else in the Guild you feel would be helpful?
Any volunteers?
