Gather 'round, all ye hero's both great and small, for I hereby call to order yet another important meeting of the world renowned Adventurers Guild! It has recently come to my currently hungover attention that some of you, and I'm not going to name any names, have been messing around with the forbidden items hidden away within the Cursed Items Vault down on basement level 34. Now, as all of you know, this vault contains some of the multiverses most dangerous, most deadly, most RETARDEDLY named cursed items to ever be created! This vault contains items such as "The Wand of Erectile Dysfunction", "The Hammer of Always Broken Thumbs", "The Ring Of The Cat Lady", "The Sword Of Drunken Racism", and "The Mask of Nyles' Seduction". Now, as the guild guidelines states under Chapter 42, sub-section 3, Paragraph 9, I must ask that "All those who have been afflicted by a curse should proceed to the nearest cleric of sufficient godly influence in order to be blessed with a 'Remove Curse' spell. Should no such cleric be available, please proceed to the nearest Wizard in order to have the curse removed through the application of a skunk spray bath and the lobbing of 12 dozen rotten apples at your person".Welcome to the Adventurers' Guild! Simply pick a name and join the fun! Conflicts are solved through the use of a D20, or by playing it out.
>>46041616
I've never really understood how "A skunk spray bath and the lobbing of 12 dozen rotten apples at your person", could possibly remove the affliction of a curse. But I suppose that's why I'm not a Wizard like my younger brother.
I would also like add, that those of you who were cursed by any of the items within the Cursed Items Vault on Basement level 34 are NOT covered under guild benefits, and you WILL have to pay for curse removal out of your own pockets.
Serves the bastards right...
Zis is vhut zhey get vhen missink around vith ze arcane and ze magical. Speakink of magic, heff any of you an idea of vhut zis infernal Mages Guild is doink vith zis stick in zere arses?
>Her eyes narrow into a serious glare.
Zorzery IS too magic...
So, uhm... Suppose I was one of the people that was involved with the vault... And say I was turned into a 40 foot tall Chromatic Red dragon... How should I go about fixing myself? Not saying I was, I'm simply asking for a friend...
>>46042104
>Snort laugh
The Mages Guild has their heads so far in their respective colons, fervently kissing their own and each others asses. Honestly it's like a circle jerk any time more than 4 of the pricks get together.
I'm of an inclination to just rain on their parade and lay waste to their whole guild for the shit they've been pulling.
>>46042104
Well, I can't argue with you about screwing around with the arcane, I'm not entirely sure why the Mage's guild has such a stick up it's ass... You're better off asking my brother.
>>46042126
Uhm... I'm not entirely sure how to answer that...
>>46042126
>[Heavy Breathing]
So we're basically just here to dick around for a few hours. Honestly, we should just turn the meeting hall into a public access tavern at this rate. Maybe we'll get more people attending then.
>>46042205
>He'd look curiously over towards the fighter
Whats wrong with you? Did you spill tea on yourself? Yeah, that happens to me a lot as well.
By the way... Does anyone else currently have the urge to go and loot through the guilds coffers and magic item vaults before running off and building a lair out in a volcano or dungeon? Yeah, me neither.
>>46042301
I've been hunting down a dragon that has been responsible for similar dickery for a good while now. Half the time when I run into a red dragon they're after him and those encounters usually end in me beating the information I need out of said dragon. It's a reflex now...
>>46041616
Do we really need to label the vault 'Cursed Items Vault'?
>>46042338
>Shrugs.
Czari my precious little ember, could you possibly turn him back before we have to slay a not-dragon?
>>46042352
Well I'm no 40 foot tall Chromatic Red Dragon! Nope! No way in the Nine HELLS am I a RED DRAG-
>A fountain of flame would spew forth from his mouth before he finishes talking
...on.
>>46042399
Well, if people are screwing around inside it, I personally feel we should put up a giant sign that says "CURSED ITEM VAULT, DON'T FUCK AROUND IN HERE!!!"... But that's just me.
>>46042416
Of course my little monky man... But I zhink zhat it vould be better to let it run zee course. It is probably temporary magic, like polymorph.
Hey everybody! Sorry for miss the last meeting, my now fiancé was ascending into a dark pantheon of elder gods and wanted me be there!
>>46042490
>Urge to Purge raising.
>>46042490
I second that. Hells I'll help make it or buy it if we need to. Speaking of not fucking around. It's nice to see the drunk and the devil not attached at the hip. Also did we ever decide to just force all those suspected of dicking around the lords homes to that underdark entry Sohai found in the sewers?
>>46042491
I told you, I'm NOT a gods damned RED. CHROMATIC. DRAGON. Now... HAND OVER ALL YOUR VALUABLES AND BOW BEFORE M- I MEAN! Uh.... Pass the Mead tanker and that bow over on the rack please!
>>46042456
>Urge to Purge raising.Wrong post... Corrected now.
Rolled 16 (1d20)
>>46042540
Vhut passagevay?
>>46042556
>Points a finger at the dragon.
Dispel.
>>46042507
Why is it, that half the people I know seem to interact with the Dark Elder Gods...? It's honestly kinda weird...
Rolled 96 (1d100)
>>46042587dammit wild surge triggered
>>46042490
Well that's just going to make people even more curious. Why not just call the room, "Records Room for Grain and Wheat Filing"? Ain't nobody want to go in a room like that.
>Smoke bomb entrance
YARHAHAHAHAHAHA! SURRENDER CLIP-CLIP UNTO ME LOSERS OR FACE MY WRATH!!!!
>>46042556
>>46042587
>Assuming the dragon was a man, the curse is super gone... As well as any other enchanted or magical effects on him from now until the end of the week.
>>46042657
Clip-Clip? You're looking for the mages guild, not the adventures guild.
>>46042666
...dick move.
Anyways, we're literally pissing the night away, aren't we?
>Grabs a leg of turkey and takes a large bite out of it.
>>46042666
>Once the mage dissipated, What was once a 40 foot tall Red Dragon is now... A 7'2 Red half Dragon...
Uhm... Guys...? Something doesn't feel right...
>>46042714
FOOL! DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LIE TO ME? KLIP-KLIP? MASTER OF ALL THINGS?
>>46042714
Just who the hell are you? No offense but it's kind of hard to tell with all the magical mutations going on in here.
>>46042741
Oh! Oh! I know the result of this! It's squally caused by you having recently fucked a dragon! It'll wear off in about a week! S'how long it takes to wear off on me anyhow.
>>46042733
You heff a fetish for dragons and smell like a beholders ball stock.
>>46042741
>Shrugs.
Close enough.
>Points at Sohai.
I heff decided on zee mutton. Vhut vine should we get?
>>46041616
Put all of the cursed items into this sack, this is a robbery.
This is meeting place for ah... peoples-with-unusual-talents-pertaining-to-combat, yes? Translation may not be perfect. I was directed here.
I require any information on Portals recently seen. Likely blue, with unknown-translation or lightning activity in the surrounds. Perhaps ejecting or absorbing an item or landmass before disappearing. I need to find one to get out of- nevermind. Compensation negotiatable.
>>46042830DUN DUN DUN!!! -Hangs up phone-
Who the hell is this guy? Also Nyle took the key with him when he left, so I couldn't even if I wanted to.
>>46042807
I have a vendetta against A dragon and I smell like the summit of a glorious forest covered mountain!
>>46042807
>Plops one of his wine skins on the table top.
The same thing as always... Let's face it, it burns like kissing a fire elemental and it's the only thing you've ever tolerated drinking.
>>46042763
Also Clip-Clip? What the hell are you doing here? last I saw you was at my brothers Mages guild graduation.
>>46042843
Uhm, Who in the gods holy names are you?
>>46042902
Well not today you don't... For some reason you smell like
>Sniffs the air.
...Cinnamon and vanilla cake?
So uhm... Say I was involved with the incident down in the Vault... and lets say that said incident cursed me into being a 40 foot tall chromatic red dragon. Now, lets say that someone else tried to undo the curse that I may or may not have gotten from eatting "The Chocolate Egg Of Red Scales", but was turned into a Red half dragon.... Am I entitled to my benefits again?
>>46042770
I'm the bard who 'helped' you get rid of the whale penis statue. Cause my girl friend was the one who sent it as a gift.
>>46042763
Not lying, go check for yourself.
>>46042952
...I may have spent the afternoon outside a bakery with a wonderful red headed swordswoman...
>>46043092
Well, It's a bit of an issue when we can't tell what your NAME is.
>>46043106
Blitz'elds Bakery? I didn't know they had anyone with red hair working there.
>>46043063
I want to say no... But I also want to say yes.
>>46043173
She was buying up strawberry shortcake like it was going out of fashion. Some kind of strange new wizard. She summons armor and weapons to wear and wield. I'm having difficulty understand when wizards started doing this, but I am very much okay with it. She fights well enough that she could easily have been one of my blood sisters.
>>46042952
>>46043092
FOOLS! THE LO*Cough*
>Looks down at the spear in his belly
Oh..... that's just not fair.
>>46043205
Awww, zee cranky plateman iz in love...
>>46042952
Hold on, trying to use this helmet... never had to use the translator before... Yes, I am guard-swordsman-improved-person Clinton.
Am I not in the meeting place of peoples-with-unusual-talents-pertaining-to-combat? I was told to find the building with the most unusual people, besides the one with the glowing windows and towers.
Do you know of the location of portals?
>>46043222
What the hell!?! Ok! Who the Hell threw that!? You guys know spear throwing practice isn't until tomorrow!
>>46043229
>>46043205
Aww, That's Cute! Just... Don't bring her here... We get enough noise complaints due to several other couples at night.
>>46043229
Bite your forked three meter long tongue she-devil. I have met a worthy warrior and as custom to my people we exchange stories and wargear. She gave me gorget and I gave her my lance. Non-sexually, I mean she was handling my spear. FUCK!
>>46043271
> At first Marth would point up towards the meeting rooms ceiling. Then he would point his finger towards the floor.
Have you tried the ceiling or the Sub Basement Dungeons? I've heard rumors that there are several down there.
>>46043277
If you can't handle the noise, stay off of the third floor. Also I want to apologize for the random in-hallway hurricane that appeared last Saturday afternoon. For what it's worth, the destruction it wrought was quite synonymous with... things.
>>46043313
I shall investigate. Thank you for your time. Hopefully we need not meet again.
...also unless I forget my history, don't worry. The Cataclysm will not occur in your lifetime. Farewell.
>>46043284
HA! Double Entendre's!
>>46043351
Uhhh~... What?
>>46043339
I still have to deal with noise complaints from the locals!
>>46043284
>Audible hiss
>>46043339
>Blushes
>>46043393
If the peasantry has a problem then they should stop watching and hanging out in the alley way, And I am not apologizing for anyone taking sonic damage or loss of hearing for being in proximity. I left a sock on the door handle, nailed a rat to the door and hung do not disturb signs and sound warnings on either side of the corridor, at the stairs and again on the door.
>>46043113
Oh, my name? Bard Mgee, at your service!
>>46043473
Yeah, but none of that matters when your DEEDS DESTROY THE WALLS BETWEEN YOUR ROOM AND EVERYONE ELSE'S!!! Seriously! how the hell do you guys manage to put your heads through the god damn walls!?!
>>46043473
Keep your infernal allocated mating source on her leash, preferably on the other side of the world and as far from civilization as possible.
>>46043509I'm saying change the anonymous title into a name, it makes it easier if other anonymous show up
>>46043511
>Shivers and moans.
Vild surges, vild urges...
>>46043511
Fine, we'll go out of town again... Just don't be surprised if another earthquake, typhoon, tornado, horde of demons or something else pops up in the countryside or ravages the surrounding lands.
>>46043547
...pretty much.
>Smuggest grin ever.
>>46043547
>>46043588
I'm absolutely disgusted yet intrigued... WHAT IS WITH THESE FEELINGS!?!
>>46043547
>>46043588
>facepalms
Please... please, no more... Just stop... please...
>>46043622
>Walks upstairs.
You vould be.
>>46043678
I think you misunderstand. I'm disgusted that your sex is that loud, but I'm intrigued that it can cause world wide calamity on par with that of a Tarrasque.
>>46043622
>>46043627
While she does have a point, a more pressing matter needs attending.
>Follows Czari
>>46043714
I'm pretty sure she knows, she did just call you stupid though.
>>46043747
>Marth would let out an exasperated sigh
I hate all of you...
>>46043770
Hey I'm not a fan of their literal Hell raising either! Piss the only reasons I know anything about either of them was how frequently I had to put up with Sohai and his bullshit. Consider yourself lucky that you didn't deal with him in full stupor.
>>46043801
>Marth simply stares at him in silence
....
So are we done trying to fix the Cursed Items Vault thing, or d'you want me put down 'We debated, but no final decision has been made yet and we'll pick it up next time'?
>>46043838
Hell no we're not done! There are still a bunch of people who are cursed because of their stupidity!
>>46043834
>Glares back at Marth.
Paint a portrait, it'll last longer than I.
>Takes a swing from his flask of mead.
Do we even have any idea if all cursed items are accounted for?
>>46043886
Thankfully yes... After all, Most of them are either inside, or stuck onto those morons who were inside the vault.
>Marth would point towards one of the bards playing a banjo over in the corner.
Like him.
>>46043943
>Looks to where Marth is pointing.
Why? Whats wrong with the ba- OH MY GODS!
>>46043977
Yeah... He kinda... Fucked the banjo.... and now he can't stop "Playing it"...By the way, this actually happened in a campaign I was in. Although he didn't actually fuck it. The DM later told us that whatever we grabbed it with, we were stuck playing it with
Wow... It got really~ quiet in here...
>>46044021That is hilarious.
>>46044188
Well you and I are basically the only two who ever show up to these things.So a steam group is going to be getting started and we're going to need a central plot to keep people interested. Probably actually going out and doing something instead of dicking around the meeting hall/tavern.
True enough... Hmm Well we do have the Dark Lord of Eternal Darkness and Sadness don't we? We simply need to flesh him out is all!
True enough... You know, I wonder if those rumors about the "Dark Lord of Eternal Darkness and Sadness" are true? No one's really been saying anything on it.
>>46044278Also what!? You mean to tell me you were laughing for 15 minutes!?!
>A blur of white and red flesh falls through the ceiling and proceeds through the floor and into the basement levels. The scents of brimstone, sweat and wine fill the air in the split second the pair were visible. Entry and exit locations still wholly intact.
>>46044427Nah, distracted by my Highlander team. Had an emergency meeting to find out who we're going to invite on team for our Pyro and Spy, so interviewing folks on Skype.
Instead of all of us just showing up for these meetings, maybe we actually start going on more quests. The job board has been filling up a lot lately...
>>46044487
>Double takes and then sighs before taking another swing of mead.
I'm not drunk enough for this.
>>46044487
OH COME ON!!!
>Grabbing a broom from along side the wall, Marth would begin to smack the tip of it roughly against the ceiling
GODS DAMMIT GUYS!!
>>46044552
>Points at the floor.
Wrong direction. Well I've caught a glimpse more than I ever wanted so I am in favor of making some blatant changes here. Then again, I think the reason they're like this is a lot of pent of...urges, for their long time apart from one another. ...WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT THIS?!
>Takes another bite from a new turkey leg.
Look Marth, maybe we go out and do something for once, I know a guy who might be cut out for adventuring again. He's been busy mining and smelting and crafting of course but his skill with hammer would be beneficial if needed. Maybe we all start getting people together and go out and do something. Wasn't there some sort of dark angst guy of sad evil and stupid out there? Haven't we heard anything else of that?
>>46044640
The Dark Lord of Eternal Darkness and Sadness? Now that you mention it, We did have our earliest meeting about him.
Also WHY are you TALKING about IT!?!
>>46044640By the by, any ideas for group names?
>>46044690
>Soaks up some gravy on his plate with a roll.
Look Marth, let's be honest here. That is actually the most interesting thing happening right this second. Now then, do we actually have any knowledge about anyone else trying to destroy, take over, conquer, rule or convert the world as we know it?
>>46044730The Adventurers Guild of Teegee?
>>46044740
> Marth would take a seat next to Drakon, his eyes closed as if he were deep in thought
Perhaps... I have heard rumors of something going on within the Wyesehen to the south... Though It cold all be rumors
>>46044833
>The roll has been eaten. Much internal rejoicing is to be had.
What kind of rumors?
>>46044856
Orc hoards running around slaughtering everything they find, Bandits running amok, though the weirdest one I heard was about Golden and seemingly indestructible obelisk having recently appeared just outside one of the local forts at the bottom of the mountain. Perhaps that might be a good place to start?
>>46044987
I know just the man who can figure out the weak spot on an indestructible structure too. Okay, that's something.
Huh. Come to think about it, out east I've heard tale over by the inner sea, a series of most unexplained storms turning the waters from their normal calm into a roiling and violent mess. Disrupting shipping and trade lanes and routes for 6 kingdoms and making passage impossible across the middle of the sea. Perhaps something there?
>>46045069
I hadn't heard anything from out there, though perhaps it might be a good idea.
>>46045202
>Slams his flagon down.
Gods damn it this place is where men and women of action are!
>Stands up and walks over to the jobs board.
Rumors only, yet no requests from either of these places. What, do you suppose that anyone who would have petitioned for aide would have turned to their local authorities before adventurers?
>The pattering of bare feet echoed from the basement up to the ground floor, Sohai and Czarina covering themselves with a pilfered clerics robe while they hurried back upstairs.
"I regret nothing!"
"Vhat he said!"
>>46045422
DAMN IT THIS IS WHAT WE DON'T WANT TO SEE!
>Shakes his fist at the pair as they run through the hall.
>>46045329
Perhaps... But I've often found the local authorities to be damn near useless in the face of crisis.
>>46045509
This much is true, but maybe it's worth investigating. Maybe we should get a group together and head out that way? One never should trust what could be happening with an enemy and plans unknown.
>>46045606
I agree, and since Nyles' is continueing to drink himself into a drunken stupor, it might be an idea Not to tell him about it.
>>46045701
Well if we get a crowbar to keep them apart, we may want to consider Sohai and Czarina then. They're both surprisingly powerful in their own right. The real question now comes down to who else do we bring with? We've got clerics in the basement that could be useful and if we head over to this golden pillar you're talking about then we can bring my ol' pal Druss along too. You'd like Druss. Looks like a man sized dwarf, hits like a giant with his hammer and his engineering and mining skills are top notch.
>>46045788
SO...You're saying he's a dwarf...?
>>46045904
Nah, his great grandfather was. For the most part he's as man as you or I, minus the beard. That beard screams dwarf.
>>46046021
...So he's a dwarf...
>>46046067
Sure, why not? I'm not here to argue genetics, I'm just here because this is supplemental pay to the heads I already knock.
>a bright blue portal opens up, and Ambrose sticks his head out
Oh, dear.
>ducks back inside the portal
Fred! This isn't Ranne's Land! It's the Guild, you twit!
>pokes his head back out, and looks around shiftily
And what a mess it is, I might add.
>goes back inside, and the portal closes
