Explain the factions and armies of 40k universe using two cows.
>>45667142
>you have two cows.
>put flashy bits and dakka on 'em.
>>45667142
>you have two cows.
>One cow tortures the other so it can keep its soul
well you see, the imperium is a chianina cow (pic related) while everyone else is a shitty little normal cow
>>45667142
You have two cows.
One is on life support, requires constant sacrifices of cows in order to stay alive.
The other gets sacrificed.
>>45667142
Tau
>You have two cows.
>You own neither, they belong to the Greater Good.
>>45667142
>You have two cows
>One gets sacrificed to the eternal glory of Chaos and the other gets a daemon shoved into it.
>>45667142
Nurgle
>You have two cows.
>Bessie is acting a little strange milord.
>You use the other cow in siege warfare.
You have two cows
That'll be $35.99, please
>>45667142
You have two cows.
As a result, your opponent cannot deploy his army.
Your opponent wants to ban cows, so you call him a whiny salty shitter, and get banned from the local gaming store.
You still have two cows.
>>45667142
>You have two cows
>one is summarily executed by the cowissar
>>45667142
Dark Eldar
>You have two cows
>You're fucking one of them
>The other is fucking you
Eldar
>You have no cows
>You remember what happened last time you had cows
>>45667142
You have two cows.
You paint the numbers "1" and "3" on them, and set them loose in the local school.
I hear it takes a crane to get them out.
>>45667142
>you have two cowcarcassesthey have no blood.they have no skulls.they taste like anger and testosterone.
>>45667421
What a terribly executed meme.
>>45667230
Ridiculously wasteful and shortsighted. That's 40k, alright
>>45667142
>You have two cows
>No one can tell them apart, in fact everyone thinks you have only one cow
Okay.
>one cow is normal in everyway except parts of it occasionally attack themselves without realizing it harms the whole body
>you have another cow but its not a cow and is infact everything a cow is not but occasional IS a cow but actually staring, interacting, or being within a certain radius of this cow can make you go insane or turn into a vegetable or some such and this not cow cow spends its time laughing and poking the other cow making it twitch more.
>>45667142
>you have two cows
>they are now the Adeptus cowitarum
>>45667142
>Having two cows is heresy, so the nearest Commissar shoots you in the head.
>>45667142
You have two cows.
They have been tithed to some godforsaken planet you've never heard of.
You wait for off world transport to come and pick them up.
You wait so long, the cows die of old age.
The transport arrives the next day and you are executed for failing to provide the two cows.
You have two soulless robot cows.
One is insane and murderous, the other is dressed up like an egyptian pharaoh and wants all your stuff.
Imperium
>The Imperial tithe is 3 cows. A Guard detachment is en route to pacify your world.
Tau
>Ethereals trick you into giving them your cows. You get sterilized but get a plasma rifle
Chaos
>A daemon posses your cows and a cultist sacrifices you to Chaos
Eldar
>Eldrad visits and kicks your cow, which rampages around your farm. 100 years later a hive fleet narrowly misses the eldar craftworld in orbit
Orks
>Your cows are painted red and have shoota, choppas and engines strapped to them. Some Boyz race them around your farm
Dark Eldar
>Your cows are kidnapped and forced to fight in the Camorragh slave pits. One becomes champion and leads a slave revolt while the other becomes a nobles BDSM slave
Necron
>You and your cows are skinned and used as decorations.
Tyranid
>You and your cows are implanted and now serve the hive mind, preparing your world for the coming shadow
Space Marine
>You and your cows are tested. You become a Chapter Serf torpedo loader while one cow becomes a Battle-Brother of the Space Bovines. The other does not survive the gene ordeal
>>45668275
>The Imperial tithe is 1 cow. An Inquisition detachment is en route to eradicate the Slaaneshi cult.
Fixed.
>>45667418
Best
>>45667142
>You have two cows. You swore to protect them.
>The other cow protectors mock you, while you engage in the harshest, most unforgiving, unglamorous aspects of cow protecting.
>One of the Cows rebels against you, even though you set the cow free from the reign of the Cow Tyrant.
>In a blind rage you kill the cows.
>The other Cow Protectors hate you now.
>You hate them.
>You live a life of bitterness, hatred and sorrow. In your weaker moments, you wish you had not killed the cow. You tell yourself you had no choice. That the cows deserved it, and that the other cow protectors were hypocrites who didn't value you properly.
>You have gotten very good at lying to yourself.
>>45667348
Underrated post.
>you have 2 cows
>one of them is not actually a cow, but a crude imitation that somehow still gives milk
>the other one has been painted red, and gives milk at a faster rate then normal
>then the Boss comes and bashes yer 'ead in ta take yer cowz from ya
>>45667230
Hey, that's cheating. That's way more than two cows.
>>45667348
It took me a second but this is the best answer
Chaos
>You have two cows
>They both have horns.
>>45670849
>one of them has half an udder, but is also a breeding stud
>>45670849
>implying there is only one breed of cow
There are breeds where the cows and the bulls both have horns.
>Khorne
You have two cows. Nobody trying to milk them ever survives the attempt.
>Slaanesh
You have two cows. They are fucking you in every hole you have. They make new holes when they get bored.
>Nurgle
You have two dead cows. Their milk is better than when they were alive.
>Tzeentch
You have two cows. They have 4 plans.
>>45670956
>only 4 plans
Look at this chaos spawn here.jpg
>>45667403
You forgot to add that this is done in order to increase the milk production by scaring the other cow to make more milk or risk getting shot.
Enchantress needs a solid dicking or something. Got dang.
>Imperial Guard
>you have 2 cows
>you lost them both by artillery barrage while they trying to hold the line.
>>45667221
>Chianina
>Not a Belgian Blue
Do you even livestock?
>>45667348
Can i get an extra goat at least?
>>45667348
>>45667387
>>45667403
>>45667418
>>45668275
>>45670509
>>45670849
>>45670956
>>45671271
kek
came in with low expectations
>Tzeentch
You have 2 cows. They are secretly grox with magical beaks wearing cow skins. They are also plotting against you.
Fortunately, they are also literally dumb as grox and their plans are retarded, so you never notice.
Then you grow a new mouth.
>>45667142
what's a "cow"? is it like a Grox?
>>45667142
>You have two cows
>One cow is dying, the other cow has been shooting it for the past 10,000 years
>>45667171
>the emperor has two cows
>it loses both in the warp, only to find them later and have one of them try to kill the emperor
>you have two cows and all your milk teeth
>you paint the cows blue and they never suck in either the fluff or on the table top
>you paint your two cows silver grey
>they wear leather hats and are raped by slaanesh
>you have two cows
>but are gifted many more
>you have a fuck ton of cows
>some of them are driving tanks
>you have two cows
>and no money
>you start to shuffle the cows before realising that the MTG games are in the next room
>she has two cows
>they consume everthing in sight in the fluff but aren't competitive on the table top
>you have two cows
>they are both dead robots
>somebody else has two cows
>you loot them and stick more dakka on them
>>45667142
>Using Floyd cover to spam GW
You don't even pretend any more, do you?
>>45671979
That's another $29.99
This is the best thread I've seen in a while. Cheers, everyone
>you have two hundred cows
>the world ends, they all die
>the universe reboots
>are those cows?
>no, those are khows! they're better!
>denial, rage, despair, negotiation, acceptance
>you have two khows
Inb4 salty WHFB player
>>45668275
>Your cows are painted red and have shoota, choppas and engines strapped to them. Some Boyz race them around your farm
I'm still giggling a bit
Necron.
You have two cows who is doomed to die young. You sell the cows to a corp who offers to extend the lifespan of the cows for milk.
Then you backstab the corp as the cows raze the corp and become ceos
Cow
Two cows launched.
>>45667142
Alpha Legion's two cows were a gift from you.
>>45667142
Adepta Sororitas
>You had two cows
Squats
>You had two cows
>No, you never had cows actually. Keep moving.
You have 2 cows. Normally you couldn't take them alone, but now you can and gave you some broken abilities to use with them.
>>45667142
You have two cows
you twinlink them
You have a *PERFECT* cow. The ultimate bovine specimen.
You go try to replicate this miracle of nature.
Splice its genes into other, inferior supercows, not everything goes according to plan.
Usher a golden age of bovine eugenics.
Civil war rips the galaxy apart.
Sacred cow is kill.
Freeze into a slab for 10,000 years.
We can rebuild it! We have the technology!
Lol, nope.
Dark ages in spehss
Moo
>you have two cows
>you must negotiate with the Dairy Pageant representative in order to determine how many cows you may field in today's contest
>>45676682
>acceptance
Considering sales are 0, 'rejection' might be more appropriate.
>>45682796
Sleep snug, smug.
>>45667142
>You have two cows
>You used to have hundreds of cows
>They all died because they kept fucking instead of eating
>Now the only two cows left refuse to breed and knock over the pens you've built for the other animals
>Imperium of Man: You have two cows. The Inquisition executes them both for potential heresy.
>Tau Empire: You have two cows. The government seizes them both for the Greater Good, then provides you with milk.
>Eldar: You have three cows. You used to have many more cows. You still feel smugly superior towards the other races with only two cows.
>Dark Eldar: You have three cows. You torture-murder all of them to gain more power.
>Ork: You have two cows. You paint them red so they'll make milk faster.
>Tyranid: You have two cows. You eat them both whole, bones and all, for dat biomass.
>Necron: You do not require cows.
>Adeptus Mechanicus: You have two cows. You fit them both with mechanical legs and milk-extraction devices whilst repeatedly shouting PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH PRAISE THE OMNISSIAH
>Adepta Sororitas: You have two cows. You flame both to death because you suspect one of heresy.
>Imperial Guard: You have two cows. The Commissar shoots you for cow-related heresy.
>Space Marine: You have two cows. You eat their brains to gain cow memories.
>Space Wolves: You have two cows. The one on the left is kinda cute...
>>45670355
>filename
Is there a Wh40k Chaos cultist version of "Are we the bad guys"
