Here ye, here ye! I hereby call to order yet another exciting, and important meeting of the world renowned Adventurers Guild! Now, as all of you Initiates are currently aware, today was supposed to mark the start of guilds 227th annual "Dost Thou Even Hoist Competition". Unfortunately, due to a package that was recently delivered by "The Magical Guild of Imprecise Packagers", and what I can only assume to be some kind of prank on the part of the Mages Guild, the guild sub-basement and its subsequent dungeon, is now currently inhabited by a grand total of seven Tarrasques, as well as a large army of Mind Flayers and their Thralls. As such, the event has been postponed until we can appropriately deal with the infestation. Preferably, before the "King-Of-Stags" tries to convert them to his shitty death cult/ barn door religion.
>>45522297
So who exactly signed for these packages, not to mention, how did we not know there was something STILL ALIVE inside!?!
>>45522297
I'd also like to know WHY the Mages Guild keeps fucking us over... I mean seriously!
Also, does anyone know who keeps going into the kitchen and putting dead mice into all of the spice containers? It's getting to the point where I don't even want to use the salt shakers
>>45522475
Come on, somebody fess up to this already!
So that explains why the food has been tasting better! I thought it just might have been a new recipe, or better yet, a new cook.
>>45522614
You think it tastes bett-... Nevermind, it actually IS somewhat of an improvement over the usual taste of bugbear feet and Drow excrement. Now it just tastes like Bugbear feet.
>>45522297
By the way, How did the Mages Guild get their hands on a Tarrasque? Let alone SEVEN of them!
I wonder if we couldn't simply trick several members of the Mages Guild into helping us clean up their mess. At the very least it might get a few of them to back down
An' yet 'gain, Honest sharpened 'er bessie pair o' choppers fer precisely squat an' diddly shite.
Best fetch me a scrumpy an' some hog lumps, and if ere' needs me I'll to be found t'over in corner by hearth tryin' t'nowt die o' fookin' boredom an' wonderin' how much o' me boot'lll fit up a mages flacid arsehole sideways.
>>45522914
>Look over his shoulder, the young Noblemen would smile
Well good evening Honest! You look different to say the least... New scar.... Or is it a new hair cut...?
>>45522914
By the way... Any ideas on what we should do with seven Tarrasques? I mean the mind flayers I can handle, but giant gods of the earth... I doubt I could handle that much.
>>45522954
>Narrows her eyes throws her feet up on the table.
Oh aye, an' a life lesson to go wit' 'em.
>Nonchalantly tosses a pork scratching into her mouth.
We of the certain that they be Tarrasques, proper? Sounding like a cod piece full o' shite t'me. 'Ow we be knows it bein' no 'lusions or trickery? Y'know 'ow mages are, they canna drop a wet fart wit' nowt burnin' down an orphanage or two, but Tarrasques? 'Ow the shite they fit down in't dungeon?
>>45523193
To answer the first question. We are, the package, as well as the Initiates who managed to escape the dungeons were able to prove it. As for if the Mages Guild did it. Well we're not entirely sure. Our only clue about it was a piece of paper saying "Ha Ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Signed M.G."
>>45522339
I couldve sworn I saw Gabriel talking to the delivery men who brought the packages
>>45523297
Well that's strange... Gabriel hasn't been around until this morning. Maybe it was someone else from the "Departmentos Religious"?
>>45523264
Well, I ain't no cap' o' the guard, but that be seemin' jus' 'bout bumblefuck blobtit stupid 'nuff t'be Mages Guild.
>>45523297
I still don't be of the undestanin' as to 'ow the piss you are a fookin' wizard, Shanksy.
>>45523400
>>45523297
Same... How exactly are you a wizard... Are you perhaps an arcane Trickster? Or maybe you're just going for the "Dark Wizard of Sadness Look". We get those once in a while
>>45523360
It was almost certainly an imposter then. I would never mistake that darkened armor.
However, Im sure this convenient ledger from the morning shipments will reveal all.........
Ah, it appears to be, indeed, Gabriels signature. I can verify this of course, being an esteemed arch practitioner of arcane arts.
>>45523483
Riiiiight.... Can we get someone ELSE to look at it?
>>45523400
>>45523430
Why the nerve of some people! Asking about such a sensitive topic as the source of my phenomenal arcane talent.
I am the sitting image of a born and bred, highland royal mage. Im here on the strictest duty of collecting tithes for the local magicocracy.
And need I remind you that taxes are due tommorow.
>>45523612
>Frowns over the top of her tankard.
Th' fuck is a taxes?
>>45523612
So whats with the poisoned daggers then.... and why would thy send a ROYAL mage to collect taxes.... in another kingdom....
"Oi. Package. For Adventures Guild." The voice and heavy thump draws attention to the doorway. Standing in said door way is a very large, bulky bear with human hands and feet instead of paws.
On the ground in front of him is a statue in the shape of what is either some sort of squid, or a very artistic penis.
"That'll be two gold, sign here." The bear says, holding out a clipboard made of, still living, flesh.
>>45523642
>Marth would put his finger to his chin, deep in thought, trying to think of the best way to explain "It's poor people paying rich people money to build things, but the rich people just spend it on stupid and pointless shit because they don't actually care about poor people".
Uhm....
>>45523668
NO! No more packages! The last ones we received puts giant demi god lizards in our sub-basement! and I REFUSE to let anyone sign for it until we figure out who it's from!
....
Also... Why does it look like a penis with googly eyes?
>>45523642
My dear, taxes are like a moral donation. By sending a small amount of money away with me, you donation will go to ensure that magic continues to run smoothly and properly.
We wouldn't want the wells to dry or the harvest to spoil would we?
>>45523647
Details details, our great nations are hand in hand, striving together to ensure prosperity and peace.
>>45523668
Uh, you're at the wrong place.
>>45523668
Also, who the fuck are you? Why are you a bear with human hands and feet? Wheres the usual delivery boy!? AND WHY IS YOUR CLIPBOARD MADE OF PEOPLE!?!
>>45523756
Yeaaaaah... Not only to I not believe you, I also am not paying you...
>>45523756
>Shrugs and picks some hair from a pork scratching.
This ain't only spot wit' wells an' wheat, an' I ain't have no morals, so I be told on a mos' regular basis, an-
>Eyes grow wide as she spots the statue and the courier.
Who ordered th' fookin' ornamental whale cock?
>>45523773
"Oi. The clipboard isn't made from people. It's made from subjugated ensorcerered FLESH of people." The bear says, sounding exasperated.
"Just pay me the gold and I'll be on my way."
>>45523816
... I'm not even going to ask how you know what a Whale's phallus looks like...
>>45523668
Also I'm not paying, nor am I signing for this... THING! Until you tell me what it is, who it's from, AND WHERE THE HELL HARDVER THE DELIVERY BOY IS!
>>45523796
Well, you're not paying me, but yourself! Every seasons taxes are meticulously utilized to ensure the betterment of the common folk! Imagine, if you will, a city who could protect itself without the need of haughty adventurers risking their necks. Surely that is a world worth spending for?
>>45523850
FIne, I'll sign the damn thing. I hope you accept mage coin.
*removes two wooden, stamped, coins from pouch*
Official currency of the highborn, this. Take it in stride.
>>45523816
In good faith, I offer this ornamental phallus to you. Treat it well.
>>45523895
You litterally just stated that this ....THING! Was delivered to the wrong address!
>He'd then smack the clipboard from the self proclaimed "Wizard"
Also! You don't get to sign for Guild mail!
>>45523854
Werewhales. Don't ask.
>>45523895
We can 'ang it on far wall, play 'oops! Right lark.
>>45523895
"It's a fetish of signifanf power from a admirer. And I don't know anything about what ever entity usually delivers to you. Also, tell the dark elf wannabe to step away from me her auras sickening. Or maybe that's the smell."
>>45523992
Why in the hells are you AGREEING to this!?!
>>45523955
Oh but great and powerful champion of men and mer, I was registered as a guild officer this very morning!
See, I have the registry here, with the chamberlains signature and seal, comrade.
>>45523992
I do fancy a good bit of sport with my drinks.
>>45524051
Let me see that!
>He'd snatch the registry from her...him... The Drow. Before reading it.
>Marth's eye would begin to twitch uncontrollably in anguish at it before looking back to the Elf
This is literally written using piece of charcoal and simply says "This is a totally legitimate document, so let me do what I want", followed below it by "O my gods it's working, it's working, it's working. This moron is actually accepting this as reality,I didn't think it would actually work".
... It's also only signed "Legitimate signature goes right here"!
>>45524036
>Shrugs and picks her teeth.
'Cus fookin' dungeon is teemin' wit' abominations.
>>45524141
>Puts a hand on her hatchet and smirks.
Oooh, do this be meanin' the twins get to drink tonight aft'all?
>>45524141
I can't attest to the mystery and splendor of bureaucratic magic. Surely the chamberlain is a wiser one than I, dearest friend and guildmate.
>>45524194
>Marth would let out a LONG sigh, before turning to face Honest,a large cheery, yet oddly disturbing smile upon his face
If you can catch it before it escapes, and if you promise to clean up afterwards, then yes, the twins can drink tonight. I'll even pay for a barrel of your favorite ale if you can find out where they're from before they die!
>>45524214
>He'd turn towards the Drow now.
By the way... I'd suggest you start moving before "It" happens.
"Fine, don't pay, damn human misers. At least sign, would? She gets pissy when she doesn't get a signature." The beats says picking the now writhing clipboard with a second, more exasperated sigh.
>>45524287
>>45524194
Now now, let's not be hasty!
If my people get wind of this poor treatment of a dignitary like myself, you can expect no less than a swift and terrible retribution. I wouldn't want anything to happen to my dear friends or our staltwart guild
*behind the back, gestures magic message of help to local thieves guild*
>>45524338
I told you! I'm not signing until you tell me WHO SENT SUCH A THING!
How do I seduce a Tarrasque? From the looks of things they are all female.
>>45524377
I would highly recommend against that course of action, good sir.
>>45524377
Why would you want to do THAT! Do you even KNOW what a Tarrasque is!? They are GIANT,GODLESS, KILLING MACHINES, THAT ARE ALSO LIZARDS!!!
>>45524479
And who the bloody war torn and magma covered realms are you!?!
>>45524479
Do you have any better ideas? We haven't had any good requests all day and I refuse to clean out chicken coops for shit pay.
>>45524567
So is the tavern Wench's mother but someone found a way, maybe it'll passify it.
>>45524376
"You humans have the worst memory. I told you, a admirerer. One that happens to be the high priest of rather horrifyingly powerful entity. The 'thing', can be used to converse, and influence, very power monsters and abominations." The bear says, now sounding annoyed.
"Also the drop just cast a magic distress signal."
>>45524366
Oh, it's a bit to late to talk your way out of this one!
>>45524568
Well you Initiates WERE supposed to be going into the sub-basement dungeons for the 227th "Dost Thou Even Hoist Competitions", but the Mages Guild thought it would be funny you send us an army of angry Mind Flayers and SEVEN FUCKING TARRASQUES!
>>45524287
>>45524366
>Quick as a flash, Honest hops the tables between her an Shankstab. She gives him a vaguely apologetic shrug, her hand straddling on of her hatchets.
You 'eard the man, Shanksy. Get ta' talkin', or you gets to be a gelding 'till Mages Guild figures out 'ow ta' make balls grow back. You ain't no wizard.
>>45524602
>She points a finger at the delivery bear.
Tha' fuck did Fingers jus' say?
>>45524567
My work often goes unnoticed. I just try to stay out of the way, good sir.
>>45524629
Another messy afternoon I see... I'll fetch the maids
>>45524600kek
That may be true, but the point is that there are SEVEN OF THEM! Also they don't have genders... they just kinda rampage and kill until someone stops it... Supposedly it's a god of nature BUUUUUT thats also besides the point...
>>45524602
What the-! GODS DAMMIT!
>>45524624
What a load of it, I was going to bet on Gratilda the "fair", god knows her arms are bigger than my axe
>>45524663Why do I get the feeling that you're either Mortimer from the Mages guild, or you're going to become our Mortimer?
That still doesn't explain who you are...
>>45524629
I think >>45524602 just said that >>45524366 signaled for help from someone. Please don't be the Tarrasque, please don't be the Tarrasques!
>>45524624
>>45524629
Ur, well, seeing as I neither intend to be at mercy of the good ladies twins, nor compelled to discuss the origin of my mission, I will with great despair, bid you fine folk farewell.
*With a stomp of thier heel, A loud crack is heard, and the room is clouded in a suffocating smokescreen.*
>>45524702
To be fair. Gratildas is pretty good at climbing, but thats besides the point...
Why aren't we just hiring our bard contacts to *Ahem* 'trick' the mindflayers and tarrasques out of the basement? They've always had their ways....
>>45524745
*where there was once a person, remains nothing. the strange person is gone*
Rolled 6 (1d20)
>>45524745
Oh no you don't!rolling to grab hold before you escape
>>45524775
>6
You manage to grab something in the thick of the smoke. Its the guild records manager
>>45524745
Did anyone else find that extremely pretentious? He could have just walked out, there was a door ride beside him..
>>45524727
I am but your humble servant, good sir. You need only ask and...
>>45524775
>>45524806
Eh! Im not that kind of servant, good sir!
>>45524763
The better question is, WHY DIDN'T WE FEED THAT DROW TO THEM!!
>>45524663
>He'd let go of the Guilds record manager
Also, sorry about grabbing you there...
Rolled 3 (1d20)
>>45524727
>Frowns and raises her hands.
Look, d'ya want 'im all t'way dead, or jus' most o'way dead, cus I-
>>45524745
Oh, tha' old goose.
>Honest turns an takes hold of an old oaken table, wrenching the top from the legs moored to the stone floor, before tossing it underarm into the smoke cloud.Rolling to hit Shankstab, if I fumble, Marth miiight have to make a saving throw to dodge it. My bad.
>>45524772
>Rolling to ignore said theatrics and glower at guildmaster.
>>45524842
Very good, sir
Though you may want to duck.
>>45524853
Rolled 7, 17 = 24 (2d20)
>>45524853GOD DAMMIT! Well atleast Criticus didn't show up... That would SUUUUUUUUCK
Oh CRAP!
>Marth would attempt to duck underneath the table being flung, as well as get the Guild record manager out of the wayrolling first d20 to avoid, second to help the record guy
*A loud knock at the door, before it opens*
Hark! Guild members I need your immediate hel-- the hell happened in here??
>>45524927GOD DAMMIT!
>Thankfully, the guilds records keeper would be completely safe from the flying table. The down side to that, would be because Marth took the full brunt of the table to his gut
>Marth would fall to the floor, his body in immense, but thankfull not permanent pain.
Tell my... Tell my father... I tried.... Bleh...
>>45525004
I am eternally grateful good sir.
Here, a fresh bucket.
>>45524992
Someone cleaned up for once, usually it's in much worse shape. What can we help you with?
Rolled 4 (1d20)
>>45525004
>Walks over and offers her hand to Marth.
Quick as ever, boss, but you can lay off theatrics, like.
Don't worry fellows, Gavin has a cunning plan...
When the mage's guild has done their business and left, we go to their building at night and switch their signs with ours! So when the mages return for their next meeting, they'll go into the building infested with monsters thinking it's their guild!
Those magic usin' types think they're so smart, but I'll show them who's the smart!
>>45525086
>Sadly, the rolls are just not with the guild today, as Honest apparently slips and falls ontop of Marth, painfully crushing him
GAH!
>>45525039
H-how.... is a ...bucket... helping.... BLEH...!
>>45525072
Uh, yes well you see my family has been kidnapped by bandits on the south road! They are asking for a ransom of 500 silver pieces a head! That makes 1500 silver!
Nobody common, like myself, in this town has that kind of money. Im begging you, loan me the coins so I can save my family!
I'll pledge my life to guild in exchange!
>>45522297
AM I OF LATES FOR HOIST COMPETITION!! Strange woman ask if grozny had to deal with rat in home and clean up mess, wife would be angry if house is mess
>>45525118Ok, Honestly, I fucking LOVE your pic! it makes me kek. Also, it reminds me of Khalid from Baldur's Gate
>Would still be getting crushed by the weight of Honest.
H-h-help....me.......
>>45525186
Hey boss, I know you are practicing for the hoisting competition to show the noobies what is up, but can I borrow 2,000 silver someone family got kidnapped again.
>>45525131
>Goes to get up, then seemingly resigns herself to the situation and leans back on Garth, her hands clasped behind her head.
I be afeard that If I make an effort to rise, I might burst into fuckin' flames.
>>45525142
We ain't a pissin' money lender, though, truth be told, we no mind guttin' some bandits.
>>45525224
>Once again, Marth would hear his spine crack as Honest goes back to laying atop him.
GRAAH!!!
W-why do.... does this.... keep happening....
>>45525219
help... me....
>>45525224
Well gutting bandit scum wouldn't not make me happy, but Its a complicated situation. They said they have lookouts all over the city, and If they so much as see me muster the guard, they'll rape my daughter and kill my wife! I wish there was another way, but I need that money no matter what it costs me.
Your seat looks a little... uncomfortable
>>45525301
Can I be of assistance?
>>45525357
>>45525358
>Would be slowly dying, both in mind and body
>>45525358
Can you help Marth? I skipped most the trainings on healing so I only know mouth to mouth.
>>45525357
Hmm.... We may have a way to work this out. How good are you at Animal Handling?
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>45525382
>attempts to pull out marth from underneath honest shy
I am sorry if cause more pain but it's only way to save life
>>45525384
I am wood carver not doctor
>>45525445
Alright... Can you make sure the table is okay? I don't want the guild to lose anything of value.
>>45525382
>>45525445
>Rolls her eyes and get up, dusting herself off.
Bloody Shor's balls, Marth, t'were barely quarter tonnage, at most. You've 'ad 'arder love taps.
>>45525357
>Eyes the Orc warily and steps up close to him.
Been a couple o' odd sorts in this 'ere modest Guild hall o' ours this eve. Folks makin' like we're fools ripe for a pickin'. I pray you ain't one more, 'cus we've 'ad it up t'gills with shite this fine night, savvy?
>>45525469
Table is sturdy table It is strong like wife
>>45525479
I understand miss, and promise I am nothing more than a devoted citizen of this fair city. I just... really want to see my family again.
>>45525418
I wish I could help, but have no knowledge of such things.
>>45525445
>>45525479
>>45525469
>Marth would force himself to stand up, before looking towards the others, his left eye twitching uncontrollably for a moment from the sheer amount of anger
Sometimes I really hate you people...
>>45525554
I am sorry, I buy drinks for you next time we go to bar, now where is hoist competitor
>>45525554
Very good, sir
>>45525554
>Sighs and strides past the Orc and over to the oak table top now lodged in the stone wall.
Well, thing 'eld up better than Martha, an' wit' less grumblin.
>Honest grasps the oak slab and pulls it out of the wall before waltzing back over the room and slamming down back onto the iron nails of the table legs it came from.
See? Wipe table an' get Martha a tankard o' somethin' strong, an' all's good.
>>45525572
uhmm... in the sub basement? But you people do realize that the competition is: 1. Canceled due to Mages Guild asshollery, and 2. a way to kill off half off you?
>>45525647
HA HA HA DEATH Hoisting is what makes life worth living friend now where do I find baby men that cancel hoisting competition
>>45525702
>Pauses as she's reaching over the bar in an attempt to find a bottle of something.
Mage's Guild, laddo. Look fer' tha guild hall wit' fuckin' legs fulla blokes in dresses wearin' summer hats.
>>45525554
>>45525572
>>45525580
>>45525629
Will no one heed the call of justice? Is my family doomed to suffer at the hands of these criminals?
Surely the guild coffers has more than enough gold to make easy work of the required silver? Does my pledge ring hallow?! Gods give me strength.
>>45525738
Thank you, wait you are butcher yes?
>>45525767
Yes, but only one person has access to it, and he's in the sub-basement with a handful of veterans trying to deal with the Bullshit the Mages Guild has given us
>>45525767
Okay orc man, if you help me beat baby men up I will help get family back you agree yes?
>walks in, wiping his hands of some very old blood
Oh no, did the Mages ruin the party? Darn. Oh, fiddlesticks. I guess we have to never do this ever.
>>45411437
Arise!
Inconceivable butchery before us, but continuing to answer commotionless...
Horror healthily!
>>45525767
>Finds a bottle of radish based cooking wine, which she considers for a moment and then shrugs and pulls the cork.
Mother mercy, ya' could nay go t'Paladin guild first, lad?
>>45525771
>Stops with the bottle half way to her mouth and gives Grozny a dark look.
I'm gonna reckon' this be one o' them cultural misunderstandings tha' jus' occurred there, 'cus yews don't look daffy 'nough to reckon that would be th' smart thin' t'say.
>>45525915
D-...did you have something to do with this...?
>He'd look suspiciously over towards the newly arrived necromancer
Midnight well illumined my deep suspicion, a horror of indecent vibrations.
>>45525835
>>45525888
In my entire stay in this gods forsaken continent, have I ever met a more incompetent, crazy, and foolish bunch of morons! I can't even con you, because of this madness! What the hell kind of heroes lets abominations fill their basement anyway!?
*the glamour slowly fades, revealing a strangely androgynous drow "wizard"*
You people are hopeless! Again i find myself leaving this awful place. Catch me, if you even can!
*Shankstab begins to stop for a smokescreen*
>>45526001
What the FUCK IS THAT!?! Are the Mind FLayers involved!?! Or did I just take to hard of a hit to the back of the head when that table hit me...?
>>45526029
Apparently, He'd never seen the Mages Guild before...
>>45526029
*stomp
not stop
>>45525963
I will take that as yes, I wish to know which one is healthier white meat or dark meat because I feel like fat cousin Strelnikov
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>45526029
>Honest throws the almost full bottle of radish wine at Shankstab's face as hard as she can.
Shrouded of the forest, grave systems sowed confusion via body bewilderments.
Rolled 4 (1d20)
>>45526069
Rolling for reflex against.
If succsesful, the smokescreen activates.
>>45526069
>>45526106
Having only moments before his heel touched the ground, the flying bottle explodes over shankstabs face, rendering them unconscious.
>>45526069
>>45526106That's a bottle to the face if I've ever seen it
>>45526100
Ok, what the in nine hell's are you anyway? another dark god we keep locked up in the sub-basement dungeons like "The-Stag-King"?
>>45526106
>Grozny runs over to unconcsious shankstab then attempts to wake him up by shaking him profusely
WHERE IS ORC MAN HE NEED HELP FOR FAMILY
Harmony? Fictions!
Mirror down under fangs, O culture of chimeras.
>>45526120
>After a brief pause, Honest climbs up onto the bar before slowly raising her arms above her head in a display of victorious domination.
>>45526186
Butcher help me here I need know where orc man went!?
>>45526186
Well now... What should we do with him now? I mean, we already have one asshole drow in our midst. I don't think we need two.
>>45526242
If I may be so bold sir, the local stockade has recently been left vacant.
"Clammy struggle; struggle! In the lightning-room," said now of prostrated pain.
>>45526331
are you nihilist or Mind flayer?
>>45526361
>>45526331
That is a VERY good question...
>>45526226
>Frowns and puts her hands on hips.
I see we've got a real fuckin' wise one 'ere.
>>45526242
>Ponders whilst opening a bottle of ginger oil liquor.
I would take 'is fuckin' boots first off and tie 'im good an' proper, because-
>She motions to the elder abominations around the room waxing esoteric.
We've got these fuckers ta' consider.
Mayhap they jus' be wantin' ta' wet they whistles. If they 'ave whistles.
>>45526183
They have scarcely bound you with white monsters, a beastly miscalculation.
>>45522402
"Our fire fantastic lures this night a curious company that gives such fright!" announces he to all.
>>45526100
>>45526183
>>45526331
>>45526402
>>45526439
Good sir, our veterans below may not have had an easy time of it. It seems the abominations are ascending upon us.
>>45526477
Hark!
The brazen bells of midnight upon the darkness toll,
But sleep, life's custom agent, won't take from me his dole;
Down paths so many follow, death would my spirit lead,
And death, when all considered, resembles life indeed;
While in my heart the balance does level stand between
And neither to the one, nor to the other lean.Welcome to the Monster's Ball. It always starts at midnight. Enter a name on https://en.shindanmaker.com/497807 and join in! Conflicts are resolved with d666s when needed, or with playing it out. When the thread dies on /tg/, we keep it going on archive.4plebs For additional resources, please visit https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Weird and http://www.generatorland.com/usergenerator.aspx?id=1093 .
>>45526439
>He'd just tilt his head questioningly at this.
>>45526554
>Ichorous, decorous foam from frenzied flame does float freely on night's breeze landing lightly, glowing slightly upon the moonlit trees.
I, in agony, seek pardon from our visitors three for downward does sky's sightless dome upon this hour oppress me.
>>45526477
By the gods I hope Nyle is ok down there...
Ok what the hell is your name!?
>>45526574
>Shrugs and offers a bottle of peach brandy.
Be that as it may, yous fuckers thirsty?
'Cus I sure as pit ain't doin' this sober.
>>45526387
Gods I hope not... We won't have any funds left if thats the case.
>>45526614
But ultimately, It is just strange uniques downward glancing that through imitative literary of startled words do be dear.
>>45526477
is bad yes?
>>45526387
No need for cursing Butcher, but I am wise enough to know I am not wise, you are must be very stupid if you think grozny wise
>>45526666
>Calmly here, the forest body, a related-one caressed. Humbly, but in horror still, the hateful wretch undressed.
>>45526666
>Narrows her eyes and pushes the bottle into what she thinks are it's hands.
Drink.
>>45526689
>Sighs and holds out a bottle of aged beetroot wine to Grozny.
I try t'be stupid only when I need t'be.
Vitalities of intolerable matter, earth boundaries, all unstrung amidst the trees!
>>45526592
Good sire, perhaps introductions could wait at the moment. I am growing restless, being knee-deep in tentacles and shocking truths.
>>45526689
Very bad sir.
I will secure the elf, before they awaken.
>>45526739
>Takes the bottle of wine and places it on the counter
is to early to drink, also I think stupidity come easy for yes?
>>45526705
Look is weeabo, how he managed to get out of mother's cellar?
>>45526818
Dear god, I know the Guild has secrets, but this takes the god damn cake!
>>45526797
Woah, no, no fuckin' bugs, out, go, get, outside ya' buzzy shite.
>Attempts to gently coerce the eldrich being towards the door with a rolled up writ.
>>45526818 >>45526797
Of organic you, shrill ladies fall in judgment. Their fury descends!
*Slowly stirring from thier groggy slumber, shankstab groans*
Uh, oh my poor head... wha-what happened? I.... Wha-WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HERE?
>>45526885 >>45526890
Hideous, half-shamed, and nearly greyed, a soul apocalypse of intervalued trepidations is apprehended in a cryptically cannibalized fashion.
Rolled 5 (1d20)
>>45526885
>>45526862
Wait I have idea, what if we throw eldritch being into mage guild?
>>45526890
>Grozny attempts to pick up one of them by the leg
>Falls from the ceiling of the meeting hall, landing gracefully on his feet. His left hand clutching his chest, his right dragging a rope behind him that ascends back into what seems to be an active teleport circle.
PUSH YOU DAMNED OAF! WE'RE BACK!
>>45526987
>Marth's eyes would slowly open up at this
Y-Your... YOU'RE A GENIUS! Why haven't we thought of it before!?!
>>45527019
AH FELLOW BRAWLER, Can you help me of throwing eldritch being into mage guild?
Rolled 364 (1d666)
>>45526971
>>45526987
From night queerly and profound, beating strokes sputter and buzz with shrieking skitters.
>>45527019
Dear GODS, Where the HELL have you been!?!
>>45527019
>A pair of large wooden chests fall from the ceiling, the rope tied and bound around the containers. The staggering bulk of Drakon fell downwards, landing on the ground with an audible grunt, the teleport circle vanishing from the ceiling with a fizzle and snap of arcane lightning. The man rose a single arm and held his thumb up on it, clearly panting.
We... we got it...
>>45527055ok, just because your thing uses those dice, doesn't me we do, please use d20's only!also MAKE JUST A LITTLE MORE SENSE PLEASE, not all of us have had time to either play COC or read any of the books. let alone drive ourselves insane from it
>>45526987
>Takes a moment from flagellating Thelepalar with a piece of parchment.
Tha' be wicked wise idea, Groz, but-
>>45527019
>Opens her arms, accidently slapping Thelepar in the forehead.
Where in t'right royal fuck o' yew blobtits bin! We up t'our gills in, fuckin', poets!
*comes in being carried by a Tarrasque, while wearing a wedding dress, the Tarrasque is wearing a white dress shirt, a vest, and a bow tie.
Hey Everyone, I got married! Oh god damn it, I missed all the interesting stuff
Rolled 250 (1d666)
>>45527055
>Grozny tries to put the being into a full nelson
WE ARE GOING TO MAGE GUILD IF YOU LIKE OR NOT!!!
>>45527049
Give us like... fifteen minutes... twenty minutes...
>>45527062
Well we went down into the sub basement early. Nobody showed, so in we went. Drakon found armor he wanted. We found a metric fuck ton of traps, monsters and warring cults, sects and cultures. It was like a drunken rage of battle down there, every step a stupor of chaos. Ugh and the smells...
Rolled 505 (1d666)
>>45527108
>>45527092
>>45527153
Restructuring, the wild voice in hideous fragments echoed...
>>45527108
they are not poets, they are probably nihilistic mindflayers finding purpose in ruining people's day buy mind flaying and talking like cousin Botnik when drunk
>>45527128
>Marth is literally lost for words at this point.
>He simply stands at the center of the room, unsure of what to say about this.
>>45527199
Someone had to be responsible, and deal with the Tarrasques, I expect to be compensated for this you know
>>45527108
>Points at Sohai.
What he said. But look what I found!
>Motions at his gleaming golden armor, shining with a holy aura and emitting a warmth from it's surface.
Well okay it's not WHAT I found. It's what gave this to us. Sohai found an enslaved genie and freed it. So we got three wishes...
>>45527128
Congratulations!!! Should I call bakery to make cake for you?
Rolled 274 (1d666)
>>45527153
>>45527172
Oh what the fuck ever boyo , jus' keep it still Groz!
>Honest takes a running start and attempts to kick Thelepar in what she believes might be it's groin at full pelt.
Rolled 17 (1d20)
>Sensing an oportunity amongst the commotion, Shankstab begins inch-worming to a nearby window
Rollin for stealth
>>45527239
Sure why not, I am sure Marth will be happy to cover the cost of my latest "conquest"
>>45527224
... I think you might want to get it appraised for curses, and possibly find a priest just encase its is or isn't...
Fantastic mechanisms, palpable with yearning, such loving tools of agony! Marvel at its annihilations.
>Looks over at stares at Honest rushing at whatever this abominable creature in the guild hall was.
>>45527257
I-... B-.... I'M NOT EVEN THE GUILD MASTER!?!
Rolled 197 (1d666)
>>45527243
You deal with thelepar I deal with newer, see if I have better luck
>>45527282
>Grozny Runs at the eldritch being then tackles him into one of the windows
>>45527278
It's legit. I got a favor called in from Torag AND Bahamut. If this suit passed their tests, it's good.
Also if we have issues with it, well let's just say that Sohai came up with an EXCELLENT wish. I wont spoil his fun or surprises.
>>45527306
Your the only person here that is stu- generous enough to help me out, I got 6 wives and a husband to care for you know!
Rolled 288 (1d666)
>>45527307
At last, your organs shall be abandoned. Beauteous drops of ichor upon the famished stones!
>>45527243
>Just as she raises her leg to land the blow, Honest slips on a patch of radish wine and broken glass, sliding forwards and reaching out for purchase until she finds herself practically embracing Thelepalar, her thigh nestled into his crotch, or at least where his crotch might be. Honest opens her mouth only to get a mouthful of flies.
>>45527256
>Grozny goes flying towards the window causing glass to fly all over the place
>>45527367
My reward subsisted of lingering mortal skin, soon to slough like a forsaken chrysalis...
>>45527394
>>45527352
whoops meant to reply for this
Rolled 338 (1d666)
>>45527352
Ohhhh no... we had a long ass night, none of this shit now.
>The monk hurled himself forward, seeming to float through the air in a single bound with a clenched fist behind him. The handwraps around his knuckles crackled with a build up of Ki energy and a purple flash of sparks to show the vorpal charge build up in his oncoming blow.
PISS OFF!
>>45527394
>Shankstab pulls themself up over the freshly broken window sil, looking back into the guild only momentarily with a mixed look of disgust and confusion, before falling out from the window and into the night.
Rolled 371 (1d666)
>>45527424
Yeah, I'm tired too. Time to say good night...
>The man rolled onto his feet, a hand and a half golden blade burning with divine flame was held to his right as he charged with with a furious thrust at what he assumed was the creatures face.
>>45527431
>Laughing emitted from the crystal woods...
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>45527467
>Grozny reaches for Shankstab's leg
YOU!? WHERE IS ORC MAN!!!
Rolled 10, 2, 5, 14 = 31 (4d20)
>>45527485
>His palm opened up into a sudden flurry of open palmed strikes.
Rolled 12 (1d20)
>>45527486
>having only momentarily tasted freedom, shankstab peers angrily at the barbarian holding his bound legs
UP YOUR ASS!!!
roll for escape check
Rolled 6, 20, 5, 4 = 35 (4d20)
>>45527519
Nothings and locutions, mere fell satisfaction of servants!
How do we always get such garbage rolls? /tg/ fucking hates me...
Rolled 2 (1d20)
>>45527547
I CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR DROW I WILL FIND YOU!!!
roll for survival check to track down the motherfucker
Rolled 19 (1d20)
>>45527551
>Trades up his charge into a lunging dive with the flaming blade point still aimed at the creatures "face".
>>45527424
>Honest gags and wretches before she notices Drakon charging. She reaches down and winds her fingers together behind Thelepalar's lower back, only to find herself being tussled around as he dodged a series of furious blows from Sohai. She promptly vomits cider and pork scratchings down his shoulder.
F-urk! Fu-uck th-ack!
>>45527554Thats been this WHOLE thing man... this whole evening.
>>45527595
>Grozny finds himself lost in the middle of town...
Where am I?
Rolled 186 (1d666)
>>45527431
>Exultaneously silent, its tongue fastened to a mortal eye...
>>45527554at least you succeeded atleast once I've been failing all of mine
>>45527595
>>45527618Fucking lost it. Good show
>>45527596 >>45527613
>Autumn sea-worms dribble eerily from every orifice as the slain rapidly rots...
>>45527631
>Sohai gnashed his teeth together as his blows struck home, a thundercrack erupted from each impact to smash the beast to the ground.
Rolled 666 (1d666)
>>45527687
>Honest spits bile and grits her teeth, her face a mask of absolute fury.
Fu-FUCK THIS, FUCK IT, FUCK FUCK FUCK!
>She tightens her grip on Thelepar and braces her feet, trying to gain purchase on the stone floor.
>>45527706
Holy Shit
>>45527687
>Drakon pried the blade from his target as he turned to face Sohai and see his progress.
Rolled 4 (1d20)
>Grozny tries to remember how he got here in the first place
>>45527706
Good one my child
>>45527706
>>45527705
>Horns of organic iron writhing, the tumult continues!
>>45527706
*sigh*
I'll get the mop. This one likes a mess
Rolled 17 (1d20)
>>45527783
>The monk snarled as he took a rooted stance, his left hand held out in a defensive posture, his right arm tucking in with a clenched fist, shaking heavily as if he were winding up another blow.
>>45527733
>Grozny begins to tear up as instead of remembering the directions back to the tavern he remembers his hopes and dreams that go him here, this fills him with determination
>>45527828
LAY HIM OUT! WE'VE GOT BIGGER FISH TO FRY!
Rolled 6 (1d20)
>>45527828
>Breathing heavily, the monk lurched forwards again, throwing a heavy blow from his right at the mass. The monk released the fearsome quivering fist technique.
Rolled 14 (1d20)
>>45527828
>>45527849
>>45527897
"Ha! Inmates remarkable! Decadence so bleached with screams."
>Of the arctic abyss, night fissures...
>>45527897FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
>>45527706
>Honest lets loose a roar of sheer animal fury, her eyes bloodshot with a berserker trance. Her grip tightens like a vice around Thelepalar, his body undulating and contracting unnaturally to her iron embrace. Gritting her teeth, Honest pulls the eldrich abomination in a brutal belly suplex with such force that the stones beneath her feet shatter. Thelepalar is driven into the stone head first with sickening power, burying him up to his shoulders into the granite slabs. Honest pulls herself back up from her awkward position with unnatural grace and glares around the room, her face cracking into a ghastly grin.
>>45527905
Yeah I've had enough of these hi-jinks tonight.
>Charges forwards, both hands on his blazing blade ready for an arcing swing once he was in range.
>>45527706
Did grozny m-AHH, Where is mop we must clean mess immediately!
>>45527940*tink*
Rolled 19 (1d20)
>>45527947
Black extravagance and careless fragrance of sulphurous relics, I bid you slumber with the earth!
Rolled 19 + 5 (1d20 + 5)
>>45527978
>Being of great will and constitution the man stormed forwards only to be met with the spell.
Rolled 13 (1d20)
>>45527978
>Grozny backhands the aberration in the back of the head before he can speak anymore
No!!
>>45527940
You need chuckle bar, you are not you when hungry
>>45527958
Allow me sir.
>>45527940
Good show madame. Quite dashing.
ok i'll be honest... this shit is brutal. But it's also AMAZING!!!
Rolled 5 (1d20)
>>45528019
>And surged through it like a man possessed, his blades flame shining with his defiance, coming down with a vertical slash.
>>45528041very good, sir
>>45527905
>The monks face twisted into a grimace, instead of launching another assault, he pulled open the stopper from his wine skins and began chugging from both.
I'll probably be coming back to this page years from now when it's on 4plebs just to read through it as "The night when the Mages guild unleashed Eldritched abominations. Or something like that
>>45528085Not every day you get a Natural D666.
Rolled 14 (1d20)
>>45528019 >>45528019 >>45528052 >>45528080
>Murmuring a cry of bloody-mouthed drippings, its ghastly tongue crept again toward its attacker's visual organs
>>45528085That IS kind of why all of us RP. 22 years in text and counting..
Rolled 5 (1d20)
>>45528109
>The man twisted around and with a flick of his wrist swung violently as the approaching tendrils.
>>45528085it's more so the day RNGesus abandoned us
Rolled 9 (1d20)
>>45528109
>Stoppers his wine skins, somersaulting under and beyond the encroaching tongues reach. He retched hard and unleashed a stream of vomit at the creature, a highly combustible greasy mess erupted from the mans mouth.
>Honest begins screaming incoherently, pink foam streaming from her mouth, stomping repeatedly on Thelepalar's prostate form and driving him further into the stone. After a moments pause she looks up an sees Drakon and Sohai attacking the remaining creature. With a guttural growl she places her boot on Thelepalar's groin and taking grip of his ankle, began to pull on his leg with all her unnatural strength.
Rolled 8 (1d20)
>>45528106fitting since your character is a beast, Whoo Someone write that one done
>>45528109
>Grozny removes his robes leving only his pants and stuffed it in one of the thing's orifices
>>45528145
>>45528185
>In disgust, not made alien, egresses!
>>45528224RNGesus Criticus...
>>45528239
>Snorts in contempt as he watched the abomination leave.
Gods damned busy ass eve... And to think that we're not even close to being finished.
>>45528239
>Flops over onto his back and groans.
I warned ye fhat fayzment was BUR-ursed... BAAAD JUJU!
>>45528274
Grozny must be goings now, is lunch time and cannot be late for lunch or wife will be angry goodbye
>>45528323
>Nods as he turns around and sits on one of the two large chests that Sohai and he dragged in.
>>45528323
>After several severe twists and a great deal of screaming, Honest succeeds in pulling Thelepalar's leg off at the hip with a sickening pop. She glares at the limb for a moment before throwing it across the room and suddenly falling down onto her backside, breathing heavily and staring wide eyed at the ruin embedded in the floor.
'A-ave a good one, Groz.
>>45528241You called my son?
>>45525940
In prophecy speak I, but no eulogy tonight shall beneath the silvered moon be said; for monstrously slain, they acted in vain. Fie upon both the living and the dead!
I greet the present company, as emissary of the Monster's Ball. In peace, I come.
>>45528400¬_¬
>>45528392
>>45528365
>>45528308
>Nyle would walk through the door and into the meeting room, his armor battered and dripping with purple gore, and a large chunk of an Elder brain stuck to his hair
Well good evening everyone! How has the meeting g- Unholy Gods of murder and death, what in the nine hells is going on!?!
"So, now that that's done with, mind signing for this now?" The bear says, leaning on the statue and holding out the fleshy clipboard. He sounds immensely unenthusiastic.
>>45528365
>Crawls over and props himself up against the other chest.
Drakon I've got a chance to bring her back...
>>45528453
The bear glances at the man standing in the door way. "Finally, you, sir, sign this please." The bear offers the clipboard, which writhes with anticipation, to him.
>>45528430
>>45528453
>>45528465
>Honest put her face in her hands and sighs.
Next time? I'll take t'fuckin' Tarrasque.
Gods, I need a drink.
>>45528487
Remember the last time you thought that? Well then again this time you didn't have this kind of power backing you.
>>45528494
Well as long as it's not for my soul fine.
>Taking a quill out of his jack, and the clipboard from the manbearflesh thing, Nyle would sign the sheet.
Mind telling me what I'm signing for?
>>45528453
>Gestures at the entirety of the Hall.
>>45528533
I still have the dream. She is waiting and I've finally got the chance since I can't go to her.
