Post funny / silly / useless magic items.
GENIE'S LAMP
Contains a Genie who grants each PC one wish. The Genie has poor hearing.
BAG OF DROPPING
A fabric torus that gives off a misleading magical aura.
FLAMING SWORD OF FLAMEY FLAMES
The handle also ignites when activated.
ORB OF SLOPE DETECTION
When placed on any surface, this orb will indicate the angle and direction of any slope.
GLOVES OF WARMTH
They keep your hands warm.
RUNNING BOOTS
These are running boots, not boots for running in. Your speed is increased by 2, and at the start of your turn you must take a move action to run your speed. Failure to do so through immobilisation or otherwise causes you to fall prone and the boots run away.
BOOTS OF GREAT TRACTION
Wearer cannot move, but also cannot be moved by others, except by teleportation (in both cases). If grabbed, the grabbing enemy is also immobilised until it lets go.
BLINDFOLD OF ACCURACY
The wearer is blinded and gains +1 to attack rolls.
SENTIENT LOCKPICK
This lockpick never breaks, and gives the user +5 to lockpicking, but is claustrophobic, and will scream loudly when scared.
TALKING BACKPACK
A backpack that can talk, surprisingly. Also gets travel sick easily.
HANGMAN'S NOOSE OF FLIGHT
When around an individual's neck, that individual gains the ability to control the Noose's flight path. They cannot fly themselves, only the noose can. The noose stops flying if the individual removes their neck, falls unconscious or dies.
BATHROBE OF FIRE RESISTANCE
When adorned, becomes drenched in water. Dries once removed.
STONESKIN RING
When worn, gives wearer +50 AC. Wearer becomes a stone statue. until removed.
BOOTS OF THE GRASSHOPPER
Gain +10 to jumps. Whenever you make a jump, you are considered to have a running start. You are only allowed to jump.
PHOENIX EGG
Unhatched.
INVISIBLE PAINT
Disclaimer: does not make painted objects invisible.
MAGIC FISH SLICE
Any food cooked using the magic fish slice will be cooked to perfection, but will taste very subtly of fish. Not noticeably, just very slightly.
CAMOUFLAGE PAINT
User must be naked and covered entirely in the paint to gain +10 stealth. Hopefully that's enough.
WAND OF CREATE WAND
When used creates a Wand of Create Wand. Has one charge.
BAG OF WITHHOLDING
A sentient bag of holding that will not let the user retrieve items without good reason. Is very sceptical and judgemental.
SCROLL OF DETECT ALIGNMENT
Allows you to discern the alignment of a block of text, i.e. left, right, centered, or justify.
PLACEBO OF CURE LIGHT WOUNDS
User believes they have healed 1d6 HP.
SCROLL OF RAISE DEAD
Allows the caster to levitate one corpse.
1.25 STAFF
A +1 Quarterstaff.
WAND OF LAUNCH BOAT
Launches a boat from the wand as if shot from a crossbow. Note that crossbows cannot shoot boats.
>>45088482
Helm of Opposite Alignment
Upon donning this helm, there is a sharp cracking sound, and your back feels much better for 1d4 hours. Save vs Will DC 10, on a failure you believe that this has cured you of another health condition as well.
EVERLASTING RATIONS
A bag of rations so disgusting that no one will eat them.
BAG OF HOLDING
Will hold much more than its volume of items. Will not release them.
>>45088574
Throne of Elimination
This padded seat fits a standard privy (or can be placed over a latrine). One round after sitting on it, your bowels empty quickly, completely, and comfortably (Fort DC20 to resist if unwilling). This takes two rounds, and so long as your ass was bare (ie you didn't crap in your pants) it will be perfectly clean.
half of these are unfunny. the other half are funny because the average /tg/ user can easily think of situations where those items are useful.
for example, the wand of create wand is an endless source of wood/metal/whatever it's made of, and the genie can be made to fulfill wishes properly by making him read the wish off a page.
>>45088627
I'd imagine wands dissapate when out of charges, but yeah the genie isn't that novelty.
SUNSHINEROD
Similar to a sunrod, but sings 'I'm Walking on Sunshine' until depleted.
>>45088621
Chalice of Merriment
Although to onlookers it appears you are drinking normally, nothing you drink from this cup will actually enter your mouth. It disappears instead. For all other purposes the cup behaves normally.
Originally invented to allow a king to carouse safely with his treacherous nobles, it quickly started to be used by the nobles themselves to stay sober at parties without refusing hospitality.
>>45088627
I agree. IMO it's more fun to imagine items that make perfect sense in a big civilized magical empire but which are silly or seemingly useless in the typical D&D world where the great empire fell long ago.
BAG OF HOLDING
The bag will hold up to 1.5lb of Items on the exterior of itself.
ENCHANTED TALKING VORPAL SWORD
Is a staunch pacifist and dreams of becoming a world renown cook.
Ring of magic detection
Glows slightly when exposed to magic, but it itself is magic
>Orb of Slope Finding
Place the orb on a tilted surface and it will magicaly move in the most downward direction
>>45088627
Jokes on you, the genie only reads in wingdings
>>45088669
nope, you can recharge wands, which would probably let you hire more people for a faster rate of generation.
>>45088621
the wealthy would pay good money for this, especially if they have gastrointestinal difficulties. PROTIP: everyone beyond a certain age has gastrointestinal difficulties.
>>45088600
torture your prisoners by only offering them this as food.
>>45088566
more free materials. lots of wood, plenty of fabric, some metal parts. usefulness depends on the type of boat "launched".
>>45088497
embalm the corpse, put it in a crypt and use the scroll in conjunction with a permanency spell. your visage is now preserved forever.
>>45088450
good for practicing your debating skills.
>>45088345
sell it to someone who has the [aquatic] subtype. they'll probably pay you a lot of what passes as currency under the water. after all, cooking with geothermal vents is probably impossible without magical assistance.
>>45088316
if you have 20 ranks in animal handling, this should be virtually priceless to you.
>>45088286
if you're definitely about to die otherwise, wearing this is a far better alternative. alternatively, bluff your enemies into wearing it.
>>45088275
if you wear it and squeeze the water out of its folds, you have an unlimited source of water.
>>45088261
there are many effects that allow you to circumvent the need for air, if you even need to breathe in the first place. and you can put something soft between the noose and your neck to protect it from the damage that would result from being yanked around by a rope.
>>45088187
I cast silence on it.
>>45088125
cheat at running competitions, maybe.
>>45088072
good for navigating planes with gravitational fuckery.
also, a wizard can generally research the spell made for enchanting non-artifact items and add it to their spellbook, allowing them to cast it on anyone. if the range of the spell is "self" it can still be modified at the cost of time and XP for use on others.
Dragonscale armour
>a suit of armour large enough to fit on a dragon
>>45089081
A noose generaly does not kill from suffocation. A propperly tied one will, when stretched, place preasure on the exactly corect place to break the victims neck
>>45089081
I'm not sure you got the joke about the Phoenix egg - Phoenixes are born out of ashes, they don't have eggs.
And the orb of slope detection is just a nonmagical orb.
>>45089081
you should try not powerplaying sometime, it's great
>>45088516
Kek
Eversmoking bottle
Consumes one pack of camel per day
Sandform ring
The ring is made of sand, causing it to fall of your finger
>>45088062
still useful with sufficiently insulated gloves, access to spells that make you fireproof, or as a thrown weapon which might catch your opponent offguard.
>>45088165
several of races do not use eyes to see.
>>45088221
sell it to a circus.
>>45088303
put them on when you need to jump, take them off when you don't.
>>45088326
allows you to create slippery floors that don't appear to be so. ambush enemies by pouring it on the ground and hiding in the shadows and you get a fight that starts out with half your opponents prone.
>>45088463
give it to an archaeologist; it might help with deciphering writings in unknown languages.
>>45088516
sounds good as it is.
>>45088617
can still be used in conjunction with portable holes.
>>45088699
study its enchantments, then use similarly enchanted rods to record all kinds of songs, poems and stories. make a huge archive. after some advertising, many bards and scholars should flock to your collection of wands, at which point you begin to charge for entry.
>>45088708
sell it to a circus; the ability to drink a large variety of harmful substances with no consequences should impress many crowds.
>>45089122
should be impressive-looking for someone to buy, especially if they think it's magic.
>>45089187
Phoenixes are reborn out of ashes. In standard D&D cosmology, they are rumored to be from from the elemental plane of fire, which in game design terms means their means of reproduction are left ambiguous on purpose so the DM can decide of the specifics. So who knows? They might have eggs. It depends on your setting.
You got me on the orb.
>>45089199
All proposals for new content must be tested for breakability. At least, that's the mindset I put myself in for the purposes of this thread. It's not like autism is ever a bad thing on /tg/.
>>45089259
Sounds like a pretty devastating weapon for use in desert warfare :^)
BAG OF FOLDING
>everything placed in this magical satchel is folded in half
>everything
>even swords
>>45089428
> the DM can decide the specifics
> All proposals for new content must be tested
If you're using these items in your game, it's because you're the DM, and you have the power to give these to players. You also have the power to stop them from exploiting their effects for powerplaying.
>>45089481
>>45088955
My favourites
>>45089428
>being this autistic.
Funny/silly items are still acceptable
Belt of Animal Magnetism
>Animals that pass in close proximity to wearer are pulled into contact, and become very difficult to remove.
Quiver of Returning
>Arrows removed from quiver will immediately return to it.
Pendant of Identify Item
>Gives you the ability to tell if two people in close proximity to eachother are a romantic couple.
Bag of Copying
>Anything placed in bag will disappear, and be replaced by a perfect copy.
Ring of Polymorph
>When placed on a finger, this ring will polymorph into a random Small or Tiny sized creature. Upon removing the creature (or its remains) from the finger will return the ring to its normal shape.
>>45089524
>not being this autistic
>>45088031
I told you he was hard of hearing; do you think I wished for a 12-inch bic?
>>45091992
Count yourself lucky. I certainly didn't wish for 12 lynched micks!
Staff of [REDACTED] Murder
Upon use, summons one crow. The item's creator removed the word 'attempted' from it.
>>45092083
You got a chuckle out of me, which is more than you deserve.
>>45088072
This is actually really useful in an old school dungeon crawl which may feature lots of disguised and/or very gentle slopes that are designed to lead parties downward without them realizing it.
>>45092056
Wait why did you wish for 12 minced ticks?
>>45088450
Yeah, I'm gonna have to steal this.
>>45089081
You are a cancer
Ring of Detect bluff
Screams variations of "LIAR!" when its current master lies.
Flask of endless stank
When opened, slowly fills the room with a foul rotten milk stench. The flask can hold a few times more liquid than it looks like it should but it will forever produce that goddamn milk stink no matter how hard you wash it.
>>45089531
>Belt of Animal Magnetism
> >Animals that pass in close proximity to wearer are pulled into contact, and become very difficult to remove.
This would be useful, you'll never be dismounted.
>>45092750
>Ring of Detect bluff
> Screams variations of "LIAR!" when its current master lies.
Could be useful to prove you're not lying.
>>45092483
It's literally just a non-magical sphere.
>>45088813
Upon reaching inside, a person is subjected to a Hold Person spell.
It's designed to be included in a treasure room as a last-ditch trap to catch thieves.
>>45092531
I don't know what you're talking about. Why would I want a genie to geld Rick's prick?
>>45092931
>one unique quirk of the ring is that is automatically screams "LIAR!" whenever the user attempts to explain its function
>regardless of whether the explanation is true or false
Sword of the Jester
The sword of a famous Jester, the blade, when exposed to the inside of ones body, retracts into itself. Completely useless for inflicting anything besides the most minor of marks, but is great for sword swallowing acts.
>>45088406
kek
Funniest one I have had was funny more for how it was presented. PCs kept asking for a magic item to help, so I rolled randomly. ended up with +1, Flaming, intelligent rapier. 10 ranks in Knowledge fashion.
Yes. it was flaming. The swashbuckler that was the leader of the party was handed it...and then everyone heard "Oh no you are NOT taking me out adventuring wearing THAT"
>>45088187
>A sentient lockpick?
A sentient piece of metal which is small and innocuous? why such a item is a wonderful find. however its potential is completely wasted on picking locks. rather simply place this item in some random room for which you wish to eavesdrop. pick it up later and have it tell you what it learned.
compliance can be achieved by threatening to practice picking locks.
>>45088600
so... normal rations?
are we talking boiled boot leather or seven year old hard tack with a pickled shark topping?
>>45096247
worse than that.
>>45092750
>Ring of Detect Bluff
>Glows in the proximity of rocky plateaus
>>45096430
>Ring of Detect Buff
>Glows when a positive enchantment is on someone nearby
>>45097160
>Ring of Detect Buff
>Glows when this is all the wearer is wearing
>>45097187
>Ring of Detect Buff
>Glows when near someone with high STR
BAG OF HOLDING
This bag seems to always be filled with soft fabric but when opened, nothing is there and nothing will fit inside. If the bag is not being hugged, it emits a faint crying that slowly grows in volume. If the person hugging the bag is crying, they will have the sensation of being hugged but no one will be there hugging them.
>ring of 4chan
allows you to mentally peruse 4chan.
you may not explore outside the realm of 4chan.
>>45088173
Ribbon would probably buy half the stuff in this thread.
>>45097493
better idea, glasses of 4chan.
same effect, but with an unavoidable visual aspect.
may also interfere with awareness of physical world.
CODPIECE OF HOLDING
As a bag of holding, but only works when worn, and it only works if someone else reaches in
>>45097558
Living up to your name, I see.
Nice to see you.
BAG OF SCOLDING
Constantly criticizes your life choices.
>>45098431
>YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE OTHER BAG. IT WAS MUCH NICER. LESS TACKY.
>>45098457
>WHAT DO YOU NEED THAT MUCH GOLD FOR? I SWEAR YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE VALUE OF MONEY.
>>45097259
>Ring of Detect Buff
>Glows when polished
>>45098619
>IT'S TOO BAD YOU CAN'T PUT ALL YOUR SHORTCOMINGS INTO ME. OH, SO YOU'RE GOING TO CRY? AGAIN?
>>45089081
>mass replying
>powergaming max replying
>>45088007
There was a thread where someone doodled other people's silly magic items. I don't remember what they all did though. This one, for example
>>45100203
Blanket of Ambient Temperature
Blanket that will always adjust the user's temperature to that of the surrounding air.
>>45100227
I don't know what this one was either
>>45100270
This one is just a Bowl of Bol
>>45100270
Cloak of Silence
Makes the wearer perfectly silent. Makes the wearer perfectly deaf.
I think this one was implied to be just a cloak that made you deaf, and you only thought you were silent. I dunno
>>45100330
Whenever you reach into the pockets of this coat, your hand will come out of a random pocket within 100 feet of you.
>>45100330
Codpiece of magic missile
Can cast magic missile by pelvic thrusting 1d4 times per day
>>45100478
>Compass of the Skeleton
A Compass that is always oriented to point towards the nearest skeleton
>>45100503
Cube of Magic
Anyone who sees or holds this cube is immediately aware of its innate magical nature. Even those who have never studied or are otherwise unfamiliar with magic. Has no other unique qualities.
>>45100503
Snake Eyes Dice
Always rolls snake eyes in the presence of reptiles.
>>45100478
that actually sounds pretty useful, though.
>>45100503
did they mean the monster manual skeleton? or just a corpse. just asking since the "did you hear something"
>>45100524
That actually sounds pretty neat as a background prop.
>so, you want to be the wizard's apprentice? See that cube? The cube's magic. Now take it and don't come back until you can tell me which three items on this shelf are also magic.
>>45100577
It's pointing to the skeleton of the person holding the compass. I don't know why it says "do you hear something" though
And these aren't all meant to be useless. They're all random things people were saying in the thread at the time.
Example
>A Brick
It's a brick
>>45100613
Ah, I found the thread on the archive. Here's a link to it if anyone wants to see the rest with their original descriptions and not the ones that I was remembering poorly.
http://archive.4plebs.org/tg/thread/25157318/#25170084
>>45088007
Posted this two days ago, but what the heck:
>Slippers of Archdevil Aroboranus
Pair of silky comfortable felt slippers, as tough as steel, that as legend says, hold the trapped soul of Archdevil Aroboranus, who was defeated by a mad wizard, using the devil’s fleeting life energies to create these magic slippers, which grant their wearer the abillity to slide across any surface (as if skating), one inch from it. This includes up/down/sideways on walls and even ceilings, etc.
Grants climb speed equal to the wearer’s normal movement speed, however if the wearer stops taking a move action with their maximum speed in a round, or starts going in the opposite direction they went last round, they fall off of whatever surface they were “skating” on.
Not entirely useless, but getting hit by petrification while skating around the 50 feet high ceiling can fuck you up.Had it happen.
>>45100700
an archdevil's soul was used to power magic ice skates?
that is definitely a new level of wasted potential. plus one hell of a means of humiliating something for all eternity.
>>45100849
Basically.Later the group found out the history of the slippers. Suffice to say the Wizard fucked the Archdevil's life in a spell mishap, in return for which the Archdevil pretty much fucked the Wizard's entire side of a continent.
This was the Wizard's idea of justice.
A coin that, if you flip it and ask it a question that can be answered with "yes" or "no", will always land on its edge.
>>45102827
This could actually be massively useful (and massively suicidal) in a charismatic character's hands.
>"Say, why don't we have a bet?"
>Takes out coin.
>"Heads or tails?"
>"Heads."
>"Alright. I'll bet it won't be heads then."
>Tosses coin, and asks. "Do you feel lucky?"
>Coin lands on edge.
>"Well, that definitely isn't Heads, isn't it?"
>>45088955
Isn't there a spell to hide magical auras? That'd make it helpful right quick.
>>45103074
The ring is magic. It'll always be glowing, because it will detect itself.
It is at its most useful being a dim light.
>>45103219
I think the other anon meant that you could use a spell to suppress the magic aura of the ring itself specifically, so that it can't detect itself, but still can detect other things.
>>45103411
In addendum, if you're a Spymaster (I think that's the one), you also have an ability to suppress the magic aura of all your equipment at will, so it would be useful for someone like that.
>>45088072
By rolling in that direction, right?
>>45094080
>It's actually not malfunctioning, It simply operates on the accurate assumption that a lie occurs when a person tries to explain something he has incomplete knowledge of.
>The enchantment is a rather ingenious and intricate bit of spellcraft, ensuring no means beyond divine intervention will trick it... But it also means that after the maker's death, there's no one in the multiverse who can accurately describe its mechanism.
The Wand of Wand
1 charge. Creates a new Wand of Wand when used.
>>45097519
Ring of 4chan
Allows you to make posts on 4chan at any time, but if you get banned on 4chan, you get banned in real life.
Flailing Flail
A flail that can swing about on its own, but tends to just swing about at random with no real sense of direction. When used as a weapon, roll a d6. On a 1 or 2, you hit yourself for half-damage, no matter what you later roll for a d20, but you only do full damage on a natural 1. On a 3 or 4 the flail swings off to the side, either missing completely or doing damage to one enemy on either the left or right side of you, depending on if it is a 3 or a 4 respectively. On a 5 or 6, you hit or miss as normal, depending on what you roll on a d20. On a 7 or 8, you hit the enemy, no matter what you roll with a d20, but you do not get a crit except on a natural 20.
>>45104351
ANON'S MAGIC D6
>roll 1d6
>get up to 8
It's just a normal d8, but it looks like a d6.
extremely magnetic full plate armor
Necklace of Detect Alignment
It glows when close to anything with an Alignment.
>>45104235
>Tablet of 4chan
>Allows you to make posts on 4chan at any time, but if you get banned on 4chan, you get banned in real life.
FTFY
>>45097160
>>45097187
>>45097259
>>45098813
all of these, but the glow is the exact same color regardless and won't work in the dark
HAPPY FUN BALL
A seemingly harmless rubber ball that can and will, at random moments, cause a variety of catastrophic effects to everyone in the vicinity. Completely ignores all resistances and immunities, including those of its user. Sold cheaply and marketed as a children's toy. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
>>45092833
Not to be the power gaming autist, that could be used for kinds of unintended shenanigans. Leave the bottle with an invisibility spell in an enemy camp to completely wreck their morale
>>45112437
pour a generally foul smelling but tasteless poison into it, then offer your enemy a drink.
>Instant-hardening Glue
hardens in the bottle
Self-cleaning underwear.
It explains why adventurers never seem to do laundry or have more than one outfit.
>Decanter of Endless Tungsten
Actually a miniature portal to the Plane of Tungsten, it will doubtlessly serve as amazing source of resources for the upcoming industrialization of the kingdom, just as soon as someone figures out how to get the solidified Tungsten out of it without melting the decanter.
>Ring of Tell-apart
Made by a slightly deaf wizard for an ultimately disappointed, then disemboweled, adventurer, it grants the wearer the ability to distinguish between similar objects and creatures. While this ring does NOT grant the ability to teleport out of monster dens or dungeons, it's invaluable to the social/racial/magical superior who still needs to interact with their lessers.
>Helmet of Hearing
This genie-made helmet allows the wearer to hear everything within a ten-mile radius. Not anything, EVERYTHING.
>>45116691
>picture for ants
>>45116691
>>Ring of Tell-apart
Will it help me with an evil twin situation?
>>45116820
It would allow you to tell one from the other without confusion. Establishing which one is the evil one in the first place is still your problem.
>>45116813
Oops, am typically drunk when saving filename thread stuff and make mistakes
>>45116820
Probably! Better buy, like, six of them, just in case.
>>45088406
Does the original wand disappear? If not, use/sell the old wands as kindling
>>45088261
tie the free end to a harness and wear it like a tie. Flying vest.
>>45089185
It's not when stretched, it's when jerked. So if you keep smooth pressure, you should be fine.
>>45089187
In the tales I've read, the phoenix lights itself on fire to warm its egg. So, trying to cook the egg should make it hatch
>The Scales of Judgement
A set of bronze scales which bitterly critiques anything put on it.
>Statscowski's Seven-Sided Cube
"The seventh side is the INSIDE"
>Scroll of Divine Guidance
Tells the reader what they've done wrong with their life according to their current diety of choice. Athiestic readers are directed to the nearest temple/place of worship/sacrificial altar/etc.
>Bag of Hoarding
Items placed in bag cannot be removed until the owner dies.
>>45119100
If I was DMing then I would make it disappear, regardless of "official" rules
GOLDDIGGER'S POUCH
>Only opens a small slot for gold
>Makes a slight giggling when gold is inserted sound that requires a save versus spell or the user must hear it again.
Spriggan-Wood Pipe
A pipe made from sacred wood collected from a Dryad's grove. When loaded with tobacco, hashish, etc. and offered to someone, they must pass a difficult check to resist the compulsion to ignite and inhale the contents of the pipe.
Note: Spriggans and Dryads abhor the use of aggressive poisons, and the compulsion effect will not activate if the contents of the pipe have been tampered with or poisoned.
RING OF LOLIFICATION
Turns the wearer into a loli.
>Anti-Magic Ring
Notifies everyone who sees you wearing it that you are staunchly against the use of magic.
>Skub
What? What does it do? Why would you ever use it? You're not some pro-skub faggot, are you?
